Zayn Malik changed orientation today, separating for the first time in five years from four other individuals who had been affected by the same quantum fluke that bound them to a single unified bearing. The five men had been incapable of deviating from the same continual path since July of 2010.
Paul Elam, Men’s Rights Activist and founder of A Voice for Men, released a personal statement to his readers this morning in an online video. “I have spent my entire life refusing to allow women to control my body,” boasted Elam. “If I want to have daily bouts of violent, sudden diarrhea, that’s my business.”
Elam’s declaration comes in the wake of a BuzzFeed report on his life, detailing the core principles of the Men’s Rights movement:
Men’s rights activists often cite the first time they realized it’s a woman’s world. They call these “red pill” moments, after the scene in The Matrix when the main character is faced with the decision to swallow a red pill and recognize the true nature of the world or take a blue pill and continue living a lie. For Elam, that revelation came at age 13, when his mother tried to force him to take his diarrhea medicine.
By Elam’s account, he has proudly refused to treat what his doctors have described as “devastating bowel issues” for nearly half a century.
In a transparent effort to regain relevance after years of sporadic updates, long-neglected blog Enter the Jabberwock resumed posting again today with short, image-heavy, inane horseshit. Readers’ reactions would likely have been mixed if anyone still paid any attention to the site after all this time. Enter the Jabberwock was created in 2002 by Josh Crowley, who has since largely moved on to other projects nobody really cares about either.
Actor Jamie Kennedy, best known for his role as Randy Meeks in the Scream film franchise, was found alive this morning by joggers near Albany, New York.
“We were very surprised,” said Mark Nolan, one of the four marathoners-in-training who discovered Kennedy in the woods filming a direct-to-DVD sequel to a film none of them had ever heard of. “Nobody could remember having seen him in almost a decade.”
Kennedy was immediately flown via helicopter to Albany Medical Center. His career was pronounced dead on the scene.
In an online statement Monday afternoon, Jenny McCarthy urged parents to douse their children in gasoline and set them on fire. “Studies have proven that autism only affects children who have not died from immolation,” said McCarthy. The CDC has since issued a press release advising that parents refrain from burning their children to death.