Chick Dissection | The Gay Blade (By Guest Mia)

We have a special guest doing a Dissection this update. Her name’s Mia, and if you find her to be amusing, you can visit her LiveJournal.

This week’s Chick Dissection has to do with homosexuality. Because of the fact that Jack is a total moron who has no idea what he’s talking about, this entire thing is completely ridiculous.

Wherever I felt compelled, I added my own little quips and things. (“Editor’s commentary”, of course.)

Boy, that Jack Chick sure loves his gay-hatin’.

Continue reading Chick Dissection | The Gay Blade (By Guest Mia)

Chick Dissection | That Crazy Guy

o/` Condoms, Back Seat, KY

That Crazy Guy

Crab Lice, Herpes, Butt-Sex

Is That Crazy Guy…

He’ll burn you where you pee…

He’s everything that every guy should be! o/`

This tract is a fundamentalist viewpoint on how awful and evil sexual intercourse is, and how humans are awful, irresponsible, disgusting, disease-ridden creatures for even thinking about it. And how you should save it all for marriage, when you can share this awful, evil, disgusting, disease-spreading, filthy act with someone you really love.

Continue reading Chick Dissection | That Crazy Guy

Chick Dissection | It’s Coming

(In more ways than one, baby, yeah.)

Ever hear the story of Noah’s Ark? Want to hear a middle-aged asshole spout a rendition involving man and dinosaur co-existing and a huge magical sphere of water that lets people live to be 900-years-old in an attempt to try to turn you from your sinner ways? Actually, you know what? Screw the rest of the introduction; “man and dinosaur co-existing” is introduction enough.

Continue reading Chick Dissection | It’s Coming

Chick Dissection | Big Daddy

What’s so wrong about evolution? Well, you aren’t going to find any valid arguments against it here, that’s for sure. Chick is opposed to evolution, but he doesn’t seem to really put an effort into trying to disprove it. Watch the hilarity ensue as a cocky, arrogant creationist fundie student “stands up to” his grotesque caricature of a “professor” with unfounded arguments and inaccurate accounts of scientific concepts. Such is the magic of Jack Chick.

Continue reading Chick Dissection | Big Daddy

Kiss me, I’m Bailey’s Irish Cream.

A Kiss is Still a Kiss… | (Originally from a while ago; consolidating content.)

I caught this commercial on TV tonight that picked at a scabbed-over anger from a while back. I remember reading about it maybe a year or two ago and it really irritated me then, too. The commercial is for some kind of Bailey’s pre-made mixed drink thing. In it, a woman drinking said Bailey’s drink mix is playing pool with three guys. When it comes to be her turn, she sets down her glass and takes her shot. Or goes to the bathroom. Or something. She looks back at her glass only to find it empty, then shifts her gaze over toward her three male friends who are all guiltily fidgeting.

Now this is where the irritation comes into play. It has to do with the ever-increasing mound of whore shit that is morality-based censorship. See, in the original commercial, she kisses all three of the guys to determine which one has the mouth that tastes like her Bailey’s drink, thus uncovering the guilty party. It’s kinda cute and clever and it makes sense. But, see, a lot of people have a problem with the fact that she’s (OMFG NO! OH, DEAR!) kissing (OH, DON’T SAY IT! DON’T EVEN SAY IT!) three (OH, I THINK I’M GETTING THE VAPORS!) guys!

See, for most of us, that doesn’t even come remotely close to phasing us. It’s not like “OH MY GOD! SHE JUST HANDJOBBED THOSE GUYS AFTER ONE OF THEM DRANK HER BAILEY’S DRINK THING!”, she fucking kissed them for christ sake. But apparently, there were enough religious fanatics and moralist freak-shows pissing their pants about it to make Bailey’s change their commercial.

So now… instead of it actually showing her kissing the three guys, she walks over to the guy on the right, stands in front of him and holds her glass up then shakes her head, moves along right past the guy in the middle with a brief pause, then looks at the third guy before giving him a kiss. And, yeah, I know people may argue that “oh, she smelled it on their breath and could determine it from that blah blah blah”, but such is not the case. See, it’s an edit of the original commercial not a re-filming and in the original, the woman kissed the guys only because they had their mouths tightly shut so as not to relinquish any scent from the Bailey’s drink. She had to go by taste instead of scent. Another thing you can pick up if you’ve seen the original or if you know that the woman originally kissed all three of the guys instead of just one are the expressions on the first two guys’ faces after she moves past them. They have these confused and somewhat surprised looks going on and their mouths are moving kinda funny. And they aren’t portraying the look of “Whoa! She just walked by me!”, they’re more along the lines of “Whoa! She just friggin’ kissed me!”

So the whole edited version of the commercial doesn’t make a damned bit of sense. This woman is playing pool with her friends and she lets her drink out of her view. She looks back at it and realizes that one of her companions apparently consumed it while she wasn’t looking. She walks past the first two guys, pausing to look at them for a moment. She gets to the third and kisses him and the other two guys are moving their mouths with surprised, yet puzzled looks on their faces. How did she know it was the third guy? Why didn’t she think it was one of the second two? I mean, they had their mouths closed and they were breathing through their noses, so it’s not like she could really smell it all that well on either of them. After all, how can one smell the absence of a scent?

Pure Evil!

So in the original she kisses three guys to figure out the mystery of who stole her drink and a bunch of religious freaks cry tears of blood and drive nails through their hands into boards of wood and scream and cry over it. The commercial was geared toward fucking adults in the first place with adult characters and everything. If a kid happens to see the commercial, what’s the big deal? I mean, it’s an advertisement for drinking. I’d be a little more afraid of the kid going “drinking is cool” and becoming a pre-pubescent alcoholic. And adults can make their own choices. It’s not like some twenty-five-year-old is going to watch that commercial and say to his/herself “gee, I’ve never thought of it before, but maybe I should start kissing my oppositely-gendered friends on the mouths!” Give me a goddamned break.

And the pants-shitting wasn’t going on over her kissing a guy, it was going on over the fact that she kissed three guys, implying she was a promiscuous slutbag. Because, of course, religious fanatics tend to make everything so dramatic and take everything to the extreme. “She kissed three guys, but she didn’t love them so therefore she’s nothing more than a slut!” or “She kissed three guys, so therefore she must be in love with three guys, so therefore she’s a promiscuous slut!”

It reminds me of a site that was brought to my attention earlier yesterday afternoon: Premarital Kissing. Now, other than the annoying-as-all-fuck scrolling nav banner thing at the top, this site makes me want to peel my eyelids back and pack in spoonfuls of grapefruit because of the sheer stupidity contained within. This woman goes on and on about how “premarital kissing” makes god cry and it’s morally wrong and it’s a sin and blah blah blah blah. I hope these religious fanatics just have their heads up their asses to keep their ears warm and the stupidity and disconnection with the outside world and reality is just one of the negative side-effects of the whole deal. If they shoved them up there purposely, then that’s just sad, really. See, apparently if you kiss someone before you’re married, it’s not love it’s lust. But if you kiss someone after you get married, then it’s love. Because legal bindings and having a priest or justice of the peace mutter a few words and sign a paper totally does a complete overhaul of someone’s emotional and mental physics.

Hrm. She goes on to say something along the lines of how if someone’s spouse were to kiss someone else right after they were married it’s wrong, so therefore any kissing outside of marriage is wrong because it’s just like extramarital sex. Here’s a real gem right here:

“Take a moment to look at it this way. Let’s assume for the moment that premarital kissing is permissible. For the purposes of the argument, it is fine for you to passionately kiss someone when you’re single. Is the person you’re kissing your husband or wife? Obviously not. Therefore, we have a premise: It is OK to kiss someone who is not your lawful spouse. Logically extending that idea, what is to prevent a married person from passionately kissing someone she/he isn’t married to? What’s that you say? “No, they can’t”? Why ever not? It must have something to do with the nature of marriage and the nature of a passionate kiss.”

What’s going to prevent them from kissing someone else? Hrmmm… how about… uh… faithfulness? I mean, if you don’t love the person you’re with and you have little self-control, it doesn’t matter if you’re married or not, you’re still gonna fuck around on ’em. Or even “[kiss] someone she/he isn’t married to”. Marriage is not some kind of magical binding force that keeps people from engaging in relations of intimate sorts with others. I don’t like her sarcastic tone and unwarranted use of the word “logically”, there, either. “Logically”, what’s to prevent me from murdering someone? “Logically”, what’s to prevent me from stabbing myself in the kneecap with a fork? “Logically”, what’s to prevent me from pissing all over my keyboard and then using it to crush a squirrel? There are some things that are just kinda expected to not happen. If you kiss someone passionately (not like the woman in the Bailey’s commercial. She was just kissing them on the lips briefly), you’re basically indicating that you have a love for that person. Sure, it would suck if you were married to someone and they passionately kissed someone else, but would it not still suck just as bad if they kissed someone else before you were married to them? Like while you were still dating (snnkt “horrors!”) or something?

Also, what the fuck’s the big deal about kissing? The ignorant bitch, here, mentions that you don’t kiss your mother the same way you kiss your wife, but that kinda reminds me of the beginning few minutes of Pulp Fiction a little too much. The whole “Would you give a man a foot massage?” thing. I mean, it’s basically the same concept. There are erotic overtones to giving someone a foot massage. So you’re not going to give your mother the same kind of foot massage you’re going to give to, say, your girlfriend or your wife. So no premarital foot massages? How about no premarital contact at all? We can all walk around in big transparent plastic boxes and never touch each other. Oh! Or speak, either. Make the boxes soundproof. After all, would you tell your mother you’d like to have sex with her the same way you’d tell your wife you would?

And let’s talk for a moment about the theory of the roots of “kissing”. Apparently, they’ve worked out the whole thing to caveman grandmothers having to spit food into their infant grandchildren’s mouths to wean them off of the breast. The mothers couldn’t do it because the baby would be constantly grabbing for the boobies and they didn’t have blenders or baby food or anything, so the grandmothers would have to chew up a bunch of food and then spit it into their grandchildren’s mouths. Mmmmmmmm…. Romantic, that.

Give Me a Foot Massage, Motherfucker

I hate religious fanatics. I hate fundamentalist bullshit. I hate having to force the world into molds and make booze commercials not make sense because of idiotic moralist censorship. I hate all these stupid shitmonsters running around all ‘high and mighty’ trying to convert me or preach to me about how everything’s a sin and how I’m going to hell if I don’t join their cult. I hate people blowing simple things like kissing way the fuck out of proportion.

Hrmmm. If you need me, I’ll be off in my little bludgeon-induced world of make believe where none of these assholes exist and there are magical concepts called ‘logic’ and ‘reason’. *Sigh*