Saturday, March 11th, 2006 | 08:36 PM

Haha! They tricked me! By Allah, they threw me a birthday party after all! I guess it would not have been a surprise had they thrown it on my actual birthday. Ah, they know me too well! What a wonderful day this has been.

I am impressed that my wives withstood the beatings they received without giving away the secret. But, still, they lied to me, so tomorrow I shall lock them in the cramped metal boxes in the sun.

Omar surprised me with the gift of satellite internet! Now I can blog more often if I so desire! Omar, may Allah shower you with blessings! But still, you lied to me, so you’re getting the box tomorrow as well. Thank you, though!

Anyway, the party is still happening, with the cake and the standing around not dancing and not drinking, Allah be praised, so this will be a short one.

Current Music: Radiohead – No Surprises
Current Mood: Surprised !_!

Jabberwock

Friday, March 10th, 2006 | 11:28 PM

Well, I was wrong. There was no surprise party after all. No balloons, no presents, no surprise cakes with one or more of my wives jumping out. My suspicions were all unjustified, and I had two of my wives and six of my men locked in small metal boxes in the direct sun for nothing.

Well, good. I didn’t want any of that anyway. I hate birthdays, almost as much as the infidel! …Oh, who am I kidding? As much as I told them not to make a fuss (and beat them not to, in some cases), I was really hoping they were going to do something special. I mean, for the love of Muhammed–may he be praised–it’s not a guarantee I’m going to make it to the next one! And it’s not like I’ve been awash with attention lately either.

Bah, I suppose it is my own fault. Perhaps they really were planning something, and changed their minds after all the torture. But, come on! I beat them nearly every day! It’s not like it’s something out of the ordinary. It’s like if they decided not to have a birthday party for me because the sun came up.

No, I guess it’s just that nobody cares about old Osama anymore. Wouldn’t that be a great name for a brand of whiskey or something? “Old Osama”. Maybe I could get Omar to bring me some bathtubs and we could make some down here in the caves. Really show the infidel what some of that capitalist initiative can do. I could not drink any myself, of course, praise be to Allah, but I could certainly sell it!

Bah. Bah! Look at how far my aspirations have fallen. I used to have ideas for blowing things up and now I just have ideas for making bathtub whiskey at the bottom of a cave. Maybe that’s all I’ll do for the rest of my life, sitting here at the edge of the cave in a rocking chair with a shotgun and permanent chewing tobacco stains in my beard, whittling and mumbling. May Allah kill me now if such is the case!

What a birthday. What a depressing, horrible, lonely birthday. I must be disappearing to the whole world or something. I am so upset that maybe I should do another tape. No, I would just end up making angry motions at the camera and then pacing back and forth growling and hitting myself. I doubt the infidel would really be threatened by that.

Oh, well. I guess I am only one day older than I was yesterday, and that is not such a big deal.

Current Music: The Beatles – Birthday
Current Mood: Disappointed =_=

Editor’s note: Yes, Osama Bin Laden’s birthday is March 10th. I’m not projecting; it’s just coincidence.

Jabberwock

Thursday, March 2nd, 2006 | 11:18 AM

I mailed a threat to the infidel today. Nothing special, but just something to keep them on their toes. Omar took two Polaroid photographs of me. In the first one, I’m pointing to a picture of an explosion. In the second one, I’m pointing right into the camera. I think it makes my point clearly.

I am furious. I cannot believe that the United Arab Emirates is making people in America more afraid than I am. All they are doing is buying some ports. I hijacked four planes and crashed them into three buildings, for the sake of Allah! Maybe I should get into real estate.

My birthday is about a week away. Hard to believe I will be forty nine! I do not care much for birthdays anymore. The novelty wore off decades ago. I suspect my wives and Omar are planning something, but I really hope they are not. Maybe I should have them all beaten. I might want to celebrate or something next year, since I will be half a century old, but I’m not up for a surprise party. It would just depress me. Omar, if you are reading this, I swear to Allah you’d better not be planning a surprise party.

All in all, I have been feeling okay this week. I think my anger at the infidel has been keeping me from getting too depressed. We will see what happens with those pictures I mailed them. Maybe I am finally pulling myself out of this rut.

Current Music: U2 – Where the Streets Have No Name
Current Mood: Suspicious o_0

Jabberwock

Saturday, February 25th, 2006 | 12:13 PM

Today started out to be a surprisingly nice end to a very crappy week. A couple of my wives got together and got me a new hat. It looks really good on me, they all say. In return, I decided not to have them beaten today. It was pleasant.

It hasn’t all been nice, though. I went on a walk through the cave after breakfast. I think some of my men might be losing respect for me. I haven’t really done anything in a while. Unlike the infidel, I know there’s only so far 9/11 can carry me. I heard some of them saying they don’t think this is turning out to be so great a jihad after all. Maybe I should strangle a puppy or something to buy some time until I can come up with another plan.

I’ve had writers block lately when it comes to thinking up attacks on the infidel. I’ve been trying, but nothing I think of can top flying airplanes into buildings. And it’s not like I’m going to impress anyone with more car bombings. That’s kind of getting to be an oversaturated market, right there. Maybe I’m just a one-hit wonder. *sigh*

Omar tells me he has been looking into satellite internet, and thinks he might be able to work something out. He wants to show me something in another part of the cave, so I guess I’d better go look.

Current Music: The Flesh Failures – Let The Sun Shine In
Current Mood: A little better, for a change ~_~

Jabberwock

Wednesday, February 15th, 2006 | 10:23 AM

It’s another one of those clumsy mornings. I banged my wrist against the wall while looking around for one of my pairs of boots, and now I have a bruise forming. Then, when I finally found those damn things, when I went to tie them, I got friction burn on my fingers from the laces.

Bah. I should just go back to bed. It’s not like I’ll be doing anything important today anyway. Omar thinks I should do another video, but I don’t know. I’ve been feeling pretty camera shy lately, with the depression and everything. Maybe I’ll do another audio tape. Or, I don’t know, draw a picture of an airplane crashing into the Statue of Liberty or something, and mail it to the White House. I just don’t even feel like trying today. They’re not going to listen to me anyway.

My wives have been trying to cheer me up, but it’s no use. I’m starting to think that maybe I need some medication for this. What’s the one with the sad little cartoon ball that rolls around under a rain cloud? Paxil? I don’t know. I’ll have to watch closer the next time it’s on. I wish I could look it up online.

Omar’s looking into the wifi thing, but he said it might not be a good idea because it may give away our location to the infidel. I’m beginning to think it might be worth it. I don’t think they’re looking for me anymore anyway. *sigh*

I’m going to go for a walk to the edge of the cave. Maybe that will cheer me up. I went through all the trouble of getting my boots on, so I might as well do something.

Current Music: Morrissey – America is Not the World
Current Mood: Still depressed ._.

Jabberwock

Via FireDogLake: The United States government has begun a massive sweep for information on the internet, with inadequate Congressional oversight. Their sights, according to The Christian Science Monitor, are set pretty broadly, gathering information from news sites, blogs, and, well, just about everything. They’re apparently trying to find terrorists who use the internet to communicate their plans to one another.

At first, I thought this was extremely silly. I mean, what, like Osama Bin Laden is going to have a blog for fuck’s sake? But after extensive digging and research today, I did indeed discover the secret blog of Osama Bin Laden. So, without further ado, here’s today’s entry:

Thursday, February 9th, 2006 | 9:42 AM

Today, my dialysis machine started making a funny noise. It was scary, but it seemed to be working all right.

Omar thinks I should get a haircut. He says I’m looking a little ragged. I told him, ‘what does it matter? I haven’t been putting out any tapes.’ He said it was just for my own good. Maybe I should. I haven’t gotten enough ‘me’ time lately.

The Infidel keeps ignoring me. I mean, after all that shit I pulled, it’s a little frustrating that they won’t even return my calls. Maybe I should try e-mail, but I might have to go to a public library. I hate touching the keyboards at public libraries, ’cause I suspect there are plenty of perverts who use them to try looking for porn, and then go and whack off in the bathrooms. Who knows where their hands have been. Certainly nowhere I’d want mine to be. Eww. Plus, I can’t stand to look at the veins popping out of the backs of the librarians’ legs. I wonder if I could get wifi out here. I’ll ask Omar.

Three of my wives have been starting to complain about my sex drive. I considered having them killed, but I guess they have a point. I’m depressed. It’s probably from not getting enough sunlight, down in this cave. It’s like seasonal depressive disorder full-time. I don’t think I’ve had an erection in weeks.

Oh, well. Rahim is coming over a little later, so I should probably take a shower soon.

Current Music: Radiohead – Sit Down, Stand Up

Current Mood: Tired *_*

Jabberwock