Beaten and alone, a child dies. But Jesus cares.
He doesn’t care enough to keep the kid from getting beaten to death, I guess. Hell, I’d stop a kid from getting beaten to death, and I’m just a regular ol’ human.
A particularly depressing, ugly turd of a Tract. Way to go, Jack!
The thing possessed poor Maria. It drove her to do strange things. But Jesus’ power delivered her so the thing couldn’t hurt her anymore.
I want to read this as a euphemism, and considering how religious and superstitious folk have treated everything from mental disorders to menstruation over the course of human history, I probably wouldn’t be too far off the mark: “The thing” possessed poor Maria, and made her do strange things! (Psst — “the thing” is her menses! Oogabooga!)
Anyway, here’s another terrible Tract for you, hand-crafted by Jack Chick with all the talent, love and beauty of a cat throwing up half a dead mouse onto your bed. Enjoy!
So, who here has interesting or entertaining stories about dealing with religious kooks of one variety or another? Did your parents join a cult? Have you gotten into a heated and serious argument with a fundamentalist only to find out to your embarrassment that they were actually schizophrenic? Were you ever forced to go to one of those “Gay Cure” camps? Did your religious friends put a bucket of holy water above the door and keep a priest or pastor handy so that they could baptize you when you walked in? Ever find a Chick Tract rolled up inside a condom? Any Catholics out there ever need the Heimlich because you choked on the communion wafer?
Well, I want to hear about it.
The best, most amusing (and most believable — and trust me, I’ll probably be able to smell bullshit when I read it) stories will be featured as posts (with all due credit, of course, plus a link to your website if you have one or a sketch of your favorite pony or whatever you want to accompany it). And, as with FMyLife and other such sites, don’t be offended if your story doesn’t make the cut.
For right now, e-mail them to me using the “Contact” page over on the left (or if you have an account on the site, log in and submit them as posts) — I’ll try to have some kind of form up by the end of the week.
Tell your friends. Seriously this time. I know some of you actually are, and I really appreciate it, but you other guys… it takes thirty seconds. Only slightly more time than it takes to *cough ahem* click an ad on the side of the page and then close the browser window *choke cough ahem*.
Speaking of telling your friends, only TWO MORE DAYS to the END OF MAY 5TH, the HOG CALL DEADLINE. I’m still 249,879 Twitter followers away from my goal! Let’s get on this shit!
“The Passover lamb saved the lives of the firstborn Jews in Egypt. Now Jesus is the Lamb who can save you!”
Ah, Exodus. One of the most famous books in the Old Testament, and my favorite for all the wrong reasons. This… this will be fun.
J: It’s my favorite for even wronger reasons. *breaks out the Kleenex and Vaseline* Let’s do this!
J: (Again, my stuff will be denoted as you see here, with the J:, and anything unmarked belongs to the guest Dissector. This one wasn’t a tag-team-style one like the last few — I just added my two cents afterward.)
Funny, campy, over-the-top. This Halloween tract by Jack Chick starts with a vampire story, but ends with a straight gospel message.
Storot:Yeah, “campy”…concentration campy.
nepphi: I don’t know, I think less ‘intense, soulless horror’ and more ‘awkward teenage years’ when I read this one, so maybe…bible campy?
Storot: I was just looking for a pun on the sheer awfulness of the tract. Or Jack’s Jewy arch-villains.
J: You know, isn’t Jack kind of disobeying his own moral guidelines, here, by telling a vampire story? If other forms of fantasy are all evil and will lead people to demonic possession, does it really matter if they tack a gospel message onto the end of it? By this logic, if D&D guidebooks included some random passage from Mark at the end of it, would Jack retract Dark Dungeons?
Storot: When reading the following tract, enhance your experience with an audio track. We at Consolidated Incorporated (our slogan “If you need it, talk to someone else. We can’t help you”) recommend “Fingernails on a Chalkboard”, “Cats In Heat”, or “Rosanne Barr’s Rendition of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’”. Anything to distract you from the pain before you.
Well we’re movin on up,
To the shoreside.
To a deluxe apartment on the sand.
Movin on up,
To the shoreside.
We’re finally gonna walk on the land.
Another one about evolution, this time really stretching every far-fetched, contrived argument well beyond any point of credibility. If I ever discover there was a single person in the world who was convinced by any of the ludicrous arguments put forth in this Tract, I… well… I’m not sure what I’ll do. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life crying.
He’s really outdone himself this time. This one… it’s… it’s just the worst.
The art isn’t terrible, but the message certainly is. This is going to be a ranty/lengthy Dissection, but hey — I haven’t done one in a while.
I’ve been meaning to revisit some of the earlier Dissections, since I did them long before I got much of a feel for them, and it seems like there are a few things missing from them. So in light of Gary Gygax’s recent demise, I figured we’d pay a kind of tribute by going back and taking a look at the subject of the very first Dissection: Dark Dungeons.
[nepphie] That’s us, honoring the creator of one of the greatest games ever by re-trashing a tract that completely misrepresents said game.
Since nepphie has done all the work of tagging all of his lines with [nepphie], we’re going to ditch the usual convention. My lines will be the unprefixed ones.
Chester thought he didn’t need God. But when the ship began to sink, he learned how wrong he was.
No he doesn’t. Chester never realizes that he needed God until after he croaked. False advertising, Jack.
J: Jack Chick? Bending the truth? Never!
J: You can probably already tell from the title, but this week is a Guest Dissection submitted by reader DaAICh. As always, my text blocks will be prefaced with J:.
School children are taught that we don’t need God, because we are just animals who came from apes. But Susy tells her young friend that God made us, and sent his Son to give us eternal life. A children’s tract.
Wow, Jack, way to read way the fuck too much into the implications of evolution. I fail to see how evolution is in any way incompatible with the existence of God, or how our being mammalian somehow means we’re “just animals”. It’s kind of amazing that I, as a secular person, seem to be giving God far, far more credit than fundamentalist Christians seem to. I dunno, I think an omnipotent being would be fully capable of fashioning a creation that could change and advance and develop on its own without constant intervention.
“A children’s tract.” Hooray! Brainwash your kids in such a way that it’s effectively an information virus that prevents their minds from even processing any new information! Awesome! No need for knowledge, or the ability to analyze the observable world — all you need is faith! Fuck you, Jack. No, seriously. I’ve said it before, but I really mean it this time.
A young woman’s brush with death reveals Satan’s plot for her destruction.
We’re trying something a little different this week, using Google docs to simultaneously work on a Dissection for a more back and forth commentary. So, without any further delay than there has already been for this one, here’s…
In which Jack Chick yet again depicts his own God as inferior to a given individual human.
He was supposed to be executed for his crime, but someone took his place. Jesus has taken our place too.
“Hi, I’m Jack Chick, creator of this Tract. I have absolutely no idea how the American justice system works, but I’m going to make wild and inaccurate depictions of it in order to shoehorn in a retarded metaphor that unintentionally demonstrates how a single human’s love is greater than the love of God. Hurr, enjoy!”
Pretty sure this one is intended for kids or developmentally disabled adults, based on the artwork and the sheer ridiculousness of the plot and the metaphors. I really can’t picture anyone with a fully-developed, fully-functioning brain reading this and thinking it makes any kind of sense on any level at all.
Bible prophecy. The devil is worried, because he knows something is up! What could it be?
Gee, what could it be? ‘Cause, y’know, the devil wouldn’t have access to, like, a Bible, or anything.
You know, I really, really, really hate to say this, and the implications are a little unnerving, but I actually sort of like a lot of the artwork in this one, overall. It’s kind of a remarkable improvement over his last few. The Tract still sucks, though, and is the same level of crazy we’ve come to expect.
OR: Jack Chick Completely Undermines Himself and His Lifetime of Effort
Billions worship some kind of idol. But there is only one way to heaven, and that’s through JESUS.
Hundreds of millions read books other than the Bible! Millions have masturbated within ten miles of a church! Thousands saved fifteen percent or more on their car insurance!
Which idol? Strangely, skimming ahead a bit, this one doesn’t appear to have the “if you watch TV instead of going to church, it means you’re worshiping a false idol” message, but rather seems to be referring to actual religious idols. So I guess those of us who don’t believe in or worship any kind of overblown, mythological fairytale aren’t really the target audience for this one.
Who is? Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, and everyone else who doesn’t believe in and abide by fundamentalists’ specific version of religion. …Including fundamentalists, apparently. You’ll see.
Good evening, cats and kittens, ’tis your friendly neighborhood nepphie again, ready to entertain you with a riveting Dissection! This week I’ll be tackling Gun Slinger, and contrary to previous promises, I think the temptation to make it one long Dark Tower joke is going to be a bit too much to resist.
That said, let’s dive right in!
J: Personally, I’d never dive into anything as shallow as a Chick Tract, but you go right ahead and sustain that paralyzing neck injury. I’ll head over to the phone and dial 9 and 1 and wait to see what happens.
A hired killer trusts Christ and, at death, goes to heaven. But the law-abiding marshal who hunted him rejects Christ and goes to hell. Clearly shows that salvation is through grace, not works.
J: Clearly shows. In much the same way that Return of the King clearly shows that Hobbits are the most trustworthy creatures when it comes to handling the One Ring, or the way Back to the Future II clearly shows that Hoverboards are fuckin’ awesome. That is, by dealing entirely in fiction, and thus being able to completely skirt reason.
J: As usual, by the way, my comments will appear like this, with preceding J:.
This takeoff on horror films reveals the truth about Halloween.
More accurately put: “This combination of every groan-inducing, generic horror film or scary story cliché Chick could dredge from the recesses of his sheltered, dullard mind are reminiscent of some kind of goofy hallucination that incorporates a bunch of stereotypical Halloween icons while bearing no resemblance to anything that is in any way a truth about Halloween.”
In ample time for the holiday in question (so you can get enough copies printed to hand out to trick-or-treaters instead of or in addition to candy, like some kind of asshole), I give you…
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