Chick Dissection | Unloved

Rejected by his family, unemployed and with no one to turn to, Jimmy was ready for suicide. But then he met the One who truly loves him.

…Neo?

It’s a self-describing Chick Tract. Oh god, they’ve become self-aware! Everyone run!

“Hey, did you go beat up that kid I told you about? No? What the hell am I even paying you for?”

Weird, they have a half-finished drawing of a lamp on their wall. Guess their interior decorator just kinda gave up.

Well why don’t you go beat the kid up, then?

Chick’s villains always look like they stepped right out of Nazi anti-Jew propaganda.

“Don’t mind me, I’ll just be back here thinking the word ‘Gulp’ for some reason.”
Yet another narrative that relies entirely on caricatures of human awfulness. Once again, Chick demonstrates he’s about as subtle and nuanced as a rape joke shouted through a megaphone.

“Grr, your report card’s so bad it detonated my spinal cord!”

Nobody has the heart to tell poor old deranged dad that these were both just blank sheets of paper.

FANG! How I’ve missed you. I’m not sure why you’re angrily sawing through the net with your tail, but it’s good to see you again anyway.

Look, he tried so hard he brought a baseball bat to a soccer game. Give the kid a break, geez.

So, the villain is a man incapable of understanding that sports teams can sometimes lose. Got it.

DISGUSTING!” I’m picturing him sitting in the stands at a Mets game or something, all squirming in his seat going “ew, gross!” every time the other team scores a run.

Dude, change your fucking clothes already. Jesus Christ, it’s been 10 years!

So far, the daughter’s entire characterization is that she proudly hands her father pieces of paper. It’s very two-dimensional. Get it? Because it’s paper? Ahaha, enjoy, folks.

Poor Jimmy hasn’t really even aged at all in an entire decade.

“Well, maybe if you told me about it before the day-of, I could’ve put it on my calendar or something.”

The situation’s gotten so bad that now all dad reads are blank pieces of paper.

“How come you haven’t got a job yet?”
“How come you haven’t changed your bowtie?”

For that matter, how come he hasn’t aged? He’s been in his late 40s for the last 12 years.

With the seams of his shirt merely suggested instead of actually drawn in, it almost looks like he’s wearing only the bowtie, here, and maybe has a crumb on his chest or something. Stripper Dad, this fall on FOX.

To be honest, I don’t blame him — I wouldn’t want Shadow Men lurking around my house, either.

“I won my first big case! It’ll fit all my clothes when I travel! I lost the trial, though.”

Wow, a single case gets you partner, huh? The law firm of Esa, Lee & Impressed.

5 years later, they’ve all merged into some horrible three-headed shadow monster kept inside a cramped cage.

Come on, guys, I’m sure your house is big enough that you don’t have to stand literally inside each other.

Such natural speaking cadences. “I just got laid off, Papa. The company went bankrupt.”

I know the suspension of disbelief kinda snapped and fell down the side of a cliff right at the start, but these people are just unbelievably evil and unsympathetic. It’s almost like Jack isn’t confident enough in his own story’s moral, so he has to contrast it against an exaggeratedly terrible strawman as a backdrop. But that would never happen because Chick’s a really great writer.

“Well, thanks for inviting us to the wedding, dear!”

You know maybe they ought to think about why their kids don’t seem to tell them about major events until the same day they’re happening.

Ooh, what an exciting character development: the sister now also holds phones.

“…AND he can fit an entire hardhat upside-down on the roof of his mouth!”

As always, the inflection is just… really something. It’s like the only conversations Jack has ever heard in his life have been non-English speakers phonetically sounding out dadaist poetry.

So far it’s been, like, 18 years, and none of these people have aged. Somehwere in their attic is an extremely ugly painting.

“Ehhh, I don’t really feel like drawing hair, so I’m just gonna scribble across the top of her head. That’ll look good, right?”

I prefer to think he means “three bratwurst.”

This might seem harsh, but it turns out his wife is Marjory the Trash Heap.

“Well, it’s been three years, thanks for finally letting us see our granddaughters.”

Three more years and still no sign of aging. Or changing clothes.

Uh, excuse me: “here are your grandchildren.” Come on, I thought you went to college.

“Come play with us… forever… and ever… and ever…”

Haha, what? Did he just, like, teleport directly in front of them or something? What the hell is going on? Is this supposed to be later in the same scene? If so, these people have some really severe mood swings.

Man, she’s been married to a Senator for like 5 years now and is only just now having dinner with the President?
Women, am I right? Can’t live with ’em, can’t make crappy religious comics with misogynist slut-shaming undertones without ’em! Am I right?

I guess he should’ve listened to his dad, huh?

I can’t imagine any sounds coming out of the face of the lawyer guy other than a nasally monotone groan.

I’m pretty sure you can’t just… take all of someone’s money and leave, even if you’re married to them. That’s called theft.

Why doesn’t he just get his sister to help him out? So far we haven’t heard her take on her parents’ horrible neglect and abuse of her brother. It’s like she doesn’t even know he exists. But she’s apparently loaded, I’m sure she can spare some cash or get her Senator husband to pull some strings to get him a job or something.

“Gasp,” he said aloud literally for some reason.

Never before has any woman had such intense hatred for a person that came out from inside her.

Severe Overreaction Syndrome. “Hey, dad, can I borrow some money?” “FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU’RE OUT OF OUR WILL! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! EAT A BAG OF SHIT!”

So far this kid has supposedly aged about 22 years, but he still looks like he’s in his teens. Does Jack just not know how time progression works, in addition to everything else he’s wrong about?

Wow, he’s got some pretty dramatic weight fluctuations happening between the last panel and this one. How long of a walk was it to this bridge?

“WAIT! Don’t jump! This bridge is literally resting directly on top of the water, making it an ineffective method of suicide!”

I really can’t tell how high up this bridge is supposed to be. I think the dark smudge running left to right across the bottom of the frame is supposed to be its shadow, but given the perspective of the drawing, that doesn’t make any sense. Wait a minute… none of this Tract makes any sense!

Actually, technically it will. I mean, even if you buy into all the afterlife heaven/hell nonsense, suicide will put an end to all his current problems.

Hahaha, wait, what? Cancer? When did that happen?

“I got cancer… I’m such a failure.”

This poses a fun philosophical question: Could an omniscient being ever actually understand what it’s truly like to be a human? Their understanding of it would come through the lens of omniscience, so really they would only have an understanding of what it’s like to be a human from the perspective of an omniscient being. That omniscience would color the entire experience.

In order to truly understand being human, you have to be trapped within the same restrictions and limitations. Could omnipotence overcome this logical conflict? Sure, I suppose. But then what’s the point of anything if nothing has to even try to demonstrate any consistency or make any sense? “God knows what it’s like to be a football. Nope, even though footballs lack sensory organs and the ability to process experiences and the very concept of being, he knows. I know it’s not possible to know what it’s like to be something that can’t actually be, in the existential sense, but he’s God! He can just do that!”

The entire concept is pretty dumb, but I’ve never heard it put as stupidly as “Jesus left heaven to be born a baby” before. It’s like a fourth grader describing it.

I mean, really, imagine someone coming up to you on the street and saying something this fucking nonsensical, especially in a serious context like this. “Oh wow, this is totally going to stop me from killing myself!”

Also, considering Jesus was the physical manifestation of God, according to the narrative, how did he “leave heaven” to become a baby? Jesus didn’t really exist*, at least not in any meaningful sense, until his physical presence became manifest on the planet.

And God’s supposedly omnipotent — why would he have to be “born a baby”? Why not just show up? Babies are pretty useless and vulnerable for a number of years. They can’t even walk on their own for a while, and they’re pretty defenseless until they get to be in their teens. There’s a lot of bad shit (e.g. the Massacre of the Innocents) that could’ve been avoided for everyone had he just, y’know, appeared fully-formed. It would’ve been way more impressive, too.

Alternatively, of course, he could’ve just snapped his fingers(?) and said “Original Sin doesn’t exist and you guys are all forgiven” instead of all this dumb, convoluted bullshit.

* Full stop?

Welp, be prepared to jump, then, guy.

“The only way?” “Yeah. He’s omnipotent, but not THAT omnipotent!”

So once again, a character in a Chick Tract is familiar with Jesus and God and Christian theological terms, but somehow has literally zero idea at all what the associated narrative is. “Oh, THAT’S what Jesus is famous for?”

Jesus’s infamous “hey what’s that over there?” gag.

He came to save sinners, just constantly jerking off, deluded into thinking it was somehow helping people. …sorry, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get through one of these without making a “Jesus came” joke.

“You know who also didn’t have a job? Jesus.”

Since when is being “unlovely” or “unwanted” a sin? I mean, okay, okay, “Original Sin” and all that nonsense, but here, Jack specifically seems to be saying that people were sinners just because they were ugly or unpopular.

If I recall the Bible correctly, I think the story was a little more complex than just “they hated his guts and wanted him dead.” It was more like they felt their power was being undermined. Man, it sure is a good thing Jesus came along and did away with religious hegemony, huh?

Why would someone carve a rounded hole into the side of a small hill like that? Does a giant cartoon mouse live there or something?

“Hey. Hey, pass me the ball. Hey! I’m open! Don’t leave me hanging over here!”

So can Jesus just, like, not put his arms down or something?

Wait, how does he know his name is Jimmy? He never told him.

Those crazed eyes… it’s like he’s so deluded it’s giving him strabismus.

Good question, Jimmy! See, it just so happens that the majority of religious folk don’t understand what “omnipotent” actually means, and that the Bible was written by people who had a very limited grasp on the idea of “infinite”.

There’s no way he’s actually talking through that tiny hole. What is he doing, communicating through hoots and whistles?

Hey, did you know that in the United States, people literally owned other people, forced them to work, and often abused and tortured them? But yeah, wow, sounds like what Jesus went through is without parallel. Oh man.

Even though Jimmy only knows the nouns involved in Christian theology, he still knows to capitalize the pronouns when he speaks.

“But forget about all that for a minute — where the hell did the landscape go?”

Boy, if Jesus came to earth just for Jimmy, he’s in for a pretty big disappointment.

What a terrible price he paid, for some reason! It’s not like he could have done literally anything else. It’s not like an omnipotent being could’ve just said “this is the way things are now” and made it happen the easy way. Nope, it had to be the virgin birth of some sort of human/deity hybrid baby and all the weird, brutal crap that followed.

Yeah, this is what everyone wants when they’re feeling hopeless and suicidal — to have their experiences contrasted against those of a character in a book they’re unfamiliar with as part of a lecture on how they don’t have it so bad.

I’m picturing this guy walking up to a thirteen-year-old girl who just got violently raped by her father and is now pregnant from it and saying, “hey, you think you have it bad, kid? Pfft. Yeah right! Ever hear of a guy called Jesus?”

But he didn’t really die if he’s an immortal omnipotent deity. So what’s the big deal?

Why didn’t God create like a dozen Jesuses and then let one of them die and then the rest could’ve stuck around wandering around healing and feeding people and bringing them back from the dead and stuff? God can supposedly do literally anything — anything! — and yet he chooses to do nothing to reduce human suffering. But hey, maybe you’ll get a boring afterlife if you can figure out the mantra passcode to avoid his lake of eternal misery.

He’s coming back soon! Real soon. Any time now. Aaaaaany minute. I know we’ve been saying this for centuries, but just you wait.

Why doesn’t Jesus seem to be casting a shadow? It’s just the shape of the cross down there.

Ask not… what your God can do for you… ask what you… can do for your God.

Wow, a lifetime of abuse and neglect, and all it takes is a two-minute conversation with some dipshit about some fantasy character in a storybook to make this guy feel loved. Shut down the entire field of psychology, everyone! Looks like we’ve got it all sussed out over here.

“Saviour”? What is he, British all of a sudden?

His eyes are just maniacal at this point. “Swear to me!

* 2 Animorphs 5:17.

“I also have cheekbones now!”
“A Dreamcast? Do… do I get a Dreamcast?”

o/` Like a bridge over shredded wheat / I will lay me down…

The tendrils of the Flying Spaghetti Monster reach down from the upper right to slap them both into the river.

Cool, so paradise to Jack Chick means angel slavery. Because an omnipotent being surely couldn’t make a heaven where you just have to think about something and you get it. No, someone else has to suffer and wait on you.

Also, why a mansion? What if I don’t want a huge house? What if I want a nice, cozy little cabin or something.

Even more than that, what if I want to feel shitty sometimes? What if I don’t want to always get everything I want? That sounds boring as hell.

Asterisks.*

* Asterisks.**

** Asterisks.***

“You and Jesus both stand to inherit a fortune in marijuana.”

Oh, so not only do the angels have to wait on you hand and foot in your big mansion that you don’t really need, you also get to give them performance reviews? Man, it’s gotta suck to be an angel in paradise, huh? Do THEY get some sort of afterlife? Do they ever get to die and be free of their shackles? I mean, literally playing the devil’s advocate, here, you can kinda see why Lucifer would want to rebel.

Even the bridge is starting to disappear into the white void at this point. Why do they not notice or even care?

A being that could be anywhere and everywhere at once has to rule from a particular geographic location. Got it!

This seems like a weird new spin on all of this, and I’m a little confused about the order of events. So, this guy will die and go to heaven, then be up there for a while judging angels or whatever, and then one day Jesus will be like “hey, everybody round up!” and they’ll… come back to Earth for some reason? Why? And I thought in other Chick Tracts, the idea was that everyone would be sitting around rotting in the ground until Jesus came back, and then all the faithful would be taken up to heaven to live forever on that big angel plantation in the sky. So what is it?

Yeah, an omnipotent being totally needs humans to help him execute the eschaton. Especially dipshits like this guy who fucked up at every turn.

You’re a WINNER!

Good thing that guy kept him from killing himself so that he could have an additional four months to spend with his famil– oh, right.

Really, though, what’s the fucking point of him not killing himself? He’s already dying of cancer, his life is total shit, he has nobody to love, nobody who loves him, and is homeless and undoubtedly struggling with a bunch of medical bills and things. What did the extra four months afford him other than more time suffering alone with all his failures, dying an incredibly painful, wasting death? Is that truly what a loving god would want? For people to stick around through tremendous pain and bullshit? Why?

“Come in, come in! Oh, and your dad’s here, too. That guy you met on the bridge talked to him as well, and even though he spent his entire life treating you horribly and nearly driving you to suicide and generally being a huge asshole, right before he died he said ‘I believe in Jesus’ and wound up here. Have fun!”

“Believe on,” huh?

You know, a lot of gay people are rejected by their shitty self-righteous religious families, so this is a little ironic.

Remember, Jesus loves you! Unless you don’t swear your fealty oath — then he’ll torture you for literally the rest of time, no matter how good a person you are, and say it’s your fault!

Goodnight, folks!



*** Asterisks.

29 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Unloved”

  1. I had all but given up on there being more of these.
    Anyway, the kid is pretty stupid, anyone else would have run away ASAP. But God would have sent him to Hell for running away, what with the “Honor thy Father and Mother, no matter how big pieces of living refuse they may be”

    1. oh yeah, and at least in “It’s a Wonderful Life” George did have a loving family he could go back to. I’m surprised Chick didn’t name his out-of-nowhere savio(u)r Clarence.

  2. Hi Jabberwock,

    what a coincidence that today, off work and goofing around on the web, I should suddenly remember your blog – and on arriving, there’s a brand new Chick dissection up, top notch dissecting as always. Been reminded too that your writing in general on this blog is really insightful and packs a punch. Long may you blog!

  3. “So can Jesus just, like, not put his arms down or something? ”

    Ts ts ts. So let me answer you in your own words: Yeah. He’s omnipotent, but not THAT omnipotent!

  4. So glad to see another of these, the weekend just got better. πŸ™‚

    Knowing how Chick operates, I’m amazed there wasn’t a panel at the end of the sister being thrown into the lake just to really drive home the winner/loser point. It’s unlike Jack to be subtle.

  5. Just today, I remembered your site and the awesome tract dissections, thought I’d check in, and am now cheering at seeing an update.

  6. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! You’re doing the Chick dissections again! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

    I came back to this site just randomly and got this surprise. Can’t wait ’til you do more!

  7. btw welcome back chick dissections. i have to comment to row 15 panel 2:
    “they spit on him, beat him with whips, ripped his back open”
    No homo, but that does sound kinda hot, if you’re into bondage.

  8. Growing up in a Christian family I have to say, the whole “we will judge the angels” thing has ALWAYS bothered me. The idea is that humans will be the ones to judge Satan and his angels and decide whether they have to spend forever in the lake of fire or if they get to return to Heaven.

    But… what the FUCK gives us the right to do that? Setting aside that I wouldn’t trust most people (including and especially most fundamentalists) to judge anything at all, what the fuck do these people think would make any human qualified to judge angels?

    At best a human will get about 100-ish years of life experience before they die. Even if you lived for 969 years like Methuselah, that’s nothing compared to an immortal angel who has existed since before the dawn of time and is doubtlessly infinitely more experienced than you. Not to mention that we would be passing judgment on them for the sin of betraying God… a sin that was committed countless eons before we even existed! We would be passing judgment for something that we literally COULD NOT ever know anything about!!!

  9. Oh God, and it was apparently funded on Kickstarter, by real people, with real money… now I feel depressed.

  10. Yaaay, the Chick Dissections are back! Long-time lurker, first-time commenter. Just wanted to say: I was raised Christian and am still semi-faithful, and you know what? Jack Chick is full of shit. He has always been full of shit, and he makes the rest of us look bad. I can’t name any Christians who take this guy seriously. Even the lady who hands out Christian comics on Halloween on my street avoids the Chick Tracts.

    So it’s great to see some people taking the piss out of him. You guys rock!

  11. I came across your website out of curiosity, and I must say, I do not appreciate your mocking of a man who has basically dedicated the entirety of his career to helping people find joy in the lord. I discovered the comics of Chick as a godless child and they helped me to realize that there is another way. I think that maybe his storytelling is a little unrealistic at times, but the purpose of his tracts is correct. His mission is to help people find the ultimate joy in the lord. God wants you to believe in him because there is no greater joy then to accept the lord Jesus into your heart, he wants you to have faith and experience that joy because he loves you, as he loves all of us. It is not enough for us to have proof of his existence, joy in the lord is achieved through faith. If you were to accept Christ you would understand. Because you choose to live a godless existence you can not understand the significence of Jack’s message. Your a talented writer and clearly intelligent, it saddens me to see that you are using your talents to steer people in the wrong direction. Jack may not be the most talented artist or writer in the world, but he uses what talent he does have to do some good in this world. What have you done? Think about that before you decide to ridicule someone who has done nothing to deserve it. I will be praying for you. Thank you foe your time.

    1. I’m almost exactly two years too late, but, yeah, God loves us! Sure he does! Unless we are gay, or eat shellfish and pork! What am I talking about? Why, Leviticus, of course!
      And Jack Chick has not “dedicated his entire career to showing people the joy of the Lord.” as you put it. He’s dedicated his career to belittling others’ faith, insulting gay people, and encouraging a narrow, simple minded view of the bible. He also called Dungeons and Dragons “satanic”, which is laughable.
      -Proudly a Madokaist, Xander Evans

  12. His sister marries “the Senator”? Is that the name of a Time Lord or something?

    Oh, and this story is surprisingly similar to the story of Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender. Except the divine messiah that Zuko befriended was objectively known to exist, and was actually helpful to Zuko. And Zuko was made a king in this life, not in some unverifiable afterlife. Oh, and an afterlife (reincarnation and the Spirit World) ACTUALLY VERIFIABLY EXISTED in this scenario.

  13. Well, it’s been a few years since Catholic school, but the point of Jesus’s sacrifice was that he *is* still dead. By allowing His avatar to die in any form, God has tasted death.It doesn’t matter that Jesus returned; God does and forever will feel the agony of His death and the rot in his flesh*. His bones shall forever creak with pain, and because all tine is the same to Him, it means God has felt this for all of eternity. I’m pretty much directly quoting a nun right now, but you get the picture. My memory gets a little shaky here, but I think the reason there had to be some kind of sacrifice was because man was spiritually stained, like grape juice or something.

    This is the sort of thing Jack should talk about in his tracts, really. Saying to people, “GOD HATES YOU AND YOU’RE GOING TO HELL JOIN MY CULT” isn’t going to do anything; if he tried to legitimately answer nonbelievers’ concerns, I would want to punch him in the face less.

    *not actually flesh, but whatever. You get the point.’

  14. So I’m a giant nerd and 2 Animorphs 5:17 is actually “My shoes had been split open by the sudden growth of my elephant feet.” If anybody was wondering.

  15. I See it More in light of Today’s problems in the world. As how People become radical.
    The family is our social environment.
    The sister is the good pure american/ european
    The Brother the immigrant/ muslim.
    And the Guy on the end the hate speaker iman or Trump.

    After years of not feeling welcom in society somebody give direction and a goal in live. By filling his head with fairytales to Blow him selff up.

  16. The Chick is dead. October 23rd 2016.
    God: Open The Book of life.
    Angel: His name does not appear, Lord.
    God: Depart from me, ye cursed into everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *