Yesterday morning, I was linked to this blog post detailing a KickStarter project for a Pick-Up Artist book. The philosophy isn’t anything new — there are plenty of books and seminars and videos floating around on the subject, guides authored by obnoxious men promising manufactured reciprocation of sexual attraction by women who would otherwise be disinterested, just as long as you follow a specific formula for emotional manipulation and can get over being a malicious piece of shit.
The target audience is unconfident, confused men who have trouble talking to women. Most people want affection, and have biological drives, and it can be a frustrating downward spiral of collapsing self-confidence and self-esteem when you’re shy and awkward and afraid of rejection. The resulting desperation and despair is what leads to these guys taking these “methods” seriously instead of recognizing them for the misogynist, dehumanizing, embarrassing bullshit that they are.
But no, this book is far unlike the usual laughable pick-up scripts and tips for effective negging. What this book is is a recipe book for sexual assault. With tips like “grab her hand and put it on your cock” and other forceful, aggressive instructions, embedded within the context of being persistent and not taking no for an answer, I can guarantee that at least one sexual assault is going to occur as the result of someone reading this book. The audience is already socially-awkward or even altogether -handicapped men who have difficulty reading body language and gauging reciprocal interest. How could it possibly go wrong to tell them to effectively assault women and ignore the subsequent rejections in order to assert their dominance?
And as of yesterday, the book has been funded, and KickStarter has refused to pull the plug. Worse, not only was it funded, but it was overfunded. A bunch of sad, pathetic men just collectively forked over $16,000 so that some internet misogynist could tell them that “no” is really just “not yet”. I mean, don’t we already get rape culture for free?
Here’s the real secret, guys, and I won’t even charge you: Almost any strategy will work some of the time. So, yes, if you harass and manipulate enough women like these books tell you to do, you will probably eventually end up getting one or even a few of them to have sex with you. But you’re still just as bad with women as you were before. Being able to berate and wound someone into eventually having sex with you doesn’t make you more attractive, or more interesting, or more charming. You’re still all the things you were before, when you looked in the mirror and didn’t like your reflection. Only, now you’re an asshole on top of it. Congrats. And if you’ve followed the advice of this particular book, now you’re also a rapist.
You may think your biggest problem is that you’re physically unattractive, but you’re mistaken: your biggest problem is that you’re entitled and passive-aggressive.
Whether you’re looking for someone to love or you’re interested in something more casual, you’re doing it wrong. Both with the passive-aggressive Nice Guy™ bullshit that you’re doing right now, and with the Pick-Up Artist bullshit that you’ll try to use when you become a resentful turd who thinks that women only fall for assholes.
Here’s some real advice, and I won’t even start up a KickStarter to let you hear it:
Stop treating every fucking word and action and gesture as a venue for trying to get laid. Nobody’s going to fuck you for holding the door for them, or for complimenting their hair, and that’s not why you should be doing that anyway. You should be good to other people in order to be a decent human being. Don’t expect a reward, and don’t get resentful when people don’t shower you with praise and adoration simply for not being a piece of shit and for sometimes being thoughtful (usually in the most minimal-effort way possible; good job).
On that note, stop doing weird, passive-aggressive shit that you think will make someone see you as The Perfect Boyfriend. It’s creepy, and it’s transparent that you’re only doing that to try to get her to be attracted to you. I see lots and lots of whining about how girls put guys in the “Friend Zone” and they “only fall for assholes and don’t like nice guys like me” and all kinds of other self-pitying bullshit. Nobody’s “putting you in the Friend Zone” because you’re “a good listener” and you’re “a sweet and caring guy”, they’re “putting you in the Friend Zone” because you’re creepy and passive-aggressive and everyone can tell that you’re only being “nice” to try to get into her pants. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll realize that once you factor in your ulterior motives, you’re not actually all that nice after all. And other people have almost certainly already sniffed that out.
Even worse, you’re not open about your actual feelings. People can usually tell when someone is attracted to them, especially with the aforementioned endless parade of passive-aggressive “thoughtfulness”, and when you keep your actual feelings hidden hoping that you’ll just be rewarded without having to take any sort of emotional risk, you come across as even more of a disingenuous shithead. I know it’s a shocker, but girls don’t like when they can tell guys aren’t being honest with them. People may tell you that confidence is important — and to a certain extent, it is — but more importantly, confidence facilitates honesty and directness, and that’s what’s really attractive. Far more so than, like, “I’m rubbing your shoulders (so that I get to touch your body) and listening to you talk about your bad day; why won’t you recognize that I’m the perfect boyfriend and reward me with sex for this act I’m pretending is somehow selfless!?”
But the worst part, the absolute biggest turn-off, is that YOU DON’T TREAT WOMEN LIKE PEOPLE, BUT RATHER LIKE OBSTACLES IN THE WAY OF PUTTING YOUR PENIS INTO A VAGINA. And this is readily apparent to anyone remotely perceptive. See, you get all caught up in this idea that “girls only date assholes” but if that were true, they’d be dating you, too. Because you’re an asshole. You’re just a passive-aggressive one. Maybe the guys you keep calling assholes are inconsiderate or shitty in other ways, but they’re probably at least up-front about themselves and direct about their feelings. You? You want the same things as them, but you’re a self-aggrandizing liar on top of everything else.
Stop that. Stop being an asshole. Be honest, be direct, be a good person without expecting a reward. Stop with the passive-aggressive, creepy, self-serving bullshit masquerading as “thoughtfulness”. And for fuck’s sake, don’t be some rapey asshole who won’t take “no” for an answer. And maybe then, you’ll find that more women are interested in you.
Of course, if you’ve taken anything away from all this, and I hope you have, that’s not why you should do that anyway.
(Read some additional stuff on this subject HERE.)