So, gentlemen. And, uh, ladies. Or do I have to call you gentlemen, too, so that you don’t feel excluded from what you like to call the “boys club”?
Anyway, it turns out people aren’t buying enough of our… whatever the hell it is we manufacture. We’re losing money. Like crazy.
I’ve hired some expensive consultants to come in and break down our costs, figure out where we can reduce spending so that we can fix this company and make it prosperous once again. No sacrifice is too small, and none of us will be immune.
[pause for laughter]
Haha, yeah, I know, right? We already know how to cut costs, and it ain’t from our salaries and bonuses that’s for fucking sure. So, we’ll be moving manufacturing to… I don’t know, Mexico? China? The Marianas? Where-the-fuck-ever we can get away with paying people pennies an hour to do jobs we’re currently paying people like seven freaking dollars to do. That should buy us enough time to squeeze out maybe a few more years of ludicrous salaries and bonuses and shit from this sinking ship before they file chapter 11 and we bail.
Agreed? Good! Thought so.
Now, you might be wondering who’s going to be buying our products. There’s already a sharp decline in sales on account of the shit-show economy we’re mired in, and if we start laying off tens of thousands of our own employees, they’re not going to be able to afford to buy much. And, of course, none of those dumb fucks we’ll be paying pennies to manufacture this shit will be able to buy any of it either. I understand your concerns, but, well, for one thing, we don’t employ every goddamn person in this country. People who work in other places can still buy shit! Just as long as we’re among the first of the American businesses to carry out this plan, we’ll be a-okay. We just need to hope that EVERYONE doesn’t start doing this.
Plus, there’s always credit cards.
Besides, who gives two tugs on an old goat’s labia about them? We have money. That’s what we need to preserve, here, in all this. That’s what’s important. And honestly, what incentive do we really have to consider anything but our own prosperity at this point?