A Foolproof Plan

So, gentlemen. And, uh, ladies. Or do I have to call you gentlemen, too, so that you don’t feel excluded from what you like to call the “boys club”?

Anyway, it turns out people aren’t buying enough of our… whatever the hell it is we manufacture. We’re losing money. Like crazy.

I’ve hired some expensive consultants to come in and break down our costs, figure out where we can reduce spending so that we can fix this company and make it prosperous once again. No sacrifice is too small, and none of us will be immune.

[pause for laughter]

Haha, yeah, I know, right? We already know how to cut costs, and it ain’t from our salaries and bonuses that’s for fucking sure. So, we’ll be moving manufacturing to… I don’t know, Mexico? China? The Marianas? Where-the-fuck-ever we can get away with paying people pennies an hour to do jobs we’re currently paying people like seven freaking dollars to do. That should buy us enough time to squeeze out maybe a few more years of ludicrous salaries and bonuses and shit from this sinking ship before they file chapter 11 and we bail.

Agreed? Good! Thought so.

Now, you might be wondering who’s going to be buying our products. There’s already a sharp decline in sales on account of the shit-show economy we’re mired in, and if we start laying off tens of thousands of our own employees, they’re not going to be able to afford to buy much. And, of course, none of those dumb fucks we’ll be paying pennies to manufacture this shit will be able to buy any of it either. I understand your concerns, but, well, for one thing, we don’t employ every goddamn person in this country. People who work in other places can still buy shit! Just as long as we’re among the first of the American businesses to carry out this plan, we’ll be a-okay. We just need to hope that EVERYONE doesn’t start doing this.

Plus, there’s always credit cards.

Besides, who gives two tugs on an old goat’s labia about them? We have money. That’s what we need to preserve, here, in all this. That’s what’s important. And honestly, what incentive do we really have to consider anything but our own prosperity at this point?

7 thoughts on “A Foolproof Plan”

  1. Man. I honestly don’t think there is any way to describe CEO-logic that doesn’t sound stupid and grossly immoral. But if there is a way to describe it that makes it more obvious how stupid and immoral it is than what your writing does, I don’t know of it.

    (Speaking of clarity, I apologize for the wording of that last sentence.)

  2. You can redistribute the wealth any way that works, and ten years later, it will end up right back in the hands of the last people who deserve it. I defy you to find any group in charge of even paper cups at the Church picnic who doesn’t share such sentiments.
    One thing about being such a pessimist, I am seldom disappointed.

  3. I think it’s ironic how this sort of thing can lead to inflation, devaluing all the money they screwed everyone over to make.

  4. It’s great to see you posting again. Your abrasive, brutally honest ability to get to the rotten core of modern day hypocrisy has inspired my outlook on life immensely.

    Your exposes of homophobia and the insane arguments from the radical right helped inspire me to make a YouTube video lambasting a particularly odious Christofascist twat who acted like Matthew Shepard’s death was a gay stunt to drum up sympathy.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rd8r_D-QZUg

    This is the kind of thing you inspire in us man. The urge to stand up against the forces of repression and ignorance with the cleansing fire of irreverence and logic. You’re a titan of free expression and logical prowess in my eyes, and I know it’ll sound really corny, but, you’re my fucking hero.

  5. @ToothpickMcBrainy: That’s… incredibly touching, actually. I’m genuinely moved. I’m glad I was able to inspire you.

    New post coming later today. Overall site update is in the works, still. I need to sit down and make up some assets for the visual stuff tonight.

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