Chick Dissection | The Thing

The thing possessed poor Maria. It drove her to do strange things. But Jesus’ power delivered her so the thing couldn’t hurt her anymore.

I want to read this as a euphemism, and considering how religious and superstitious folk have treated everything from mental disorders to menstruation over the course of human history, I probably wouldn’t be too far off the mark: “The thing” possessed poor Maria, and made her do strange things! (Psst — “the thing” is her menses! Oogabooga!)

Anyway, here’s another terrible Tract for you, hand-crafted by Jack Chick with all the talent, love and beauty of a cat throwing up half a dead mouse onto your bed. Enjoy!


For Fantastic Four fanfic, it’s already off to a terrible start. The Thing wasn’t green, he was orange. And I don’t remember him having catlike eyes, either.

This is a pretty low-rent performance of West Side Story. I’m not impressed.

So, is the moon crashing or something? Why is it crying for help? Though, now that I look a little more closely at it, it’s kind of a featureless ball. Maybe it’s not the moon after all — maybe someone fogged up the Boy in the Bubble’s bubble and fired it from a cannon. “YAAAAHHHH! HELP ME!”

It could also be Rover from The Prisoner, but it’s kind of big for that. And Rover never screamed for help.

Nothing can help her? What about the other members of the Fantastic Four? I’m sure they could at least subdue him.

“It’s Maria — The Thing is after her again!” “Yeah, I know, we could hear.” “I think we should– hold on, did you just say you could hear her?” “Yeah. She’s screaming like she’s giving birth to an adult armadillo or something.” “And you just decided not to even bother to check in? Thanks, mom and dad — thanks a lot.”

“No one can see it”? No, that’s the Invisible Woman, dammit. Has Jack even read Fantastic Four? Even seeing the movies would give him a rough idea. Sheesh.

For more information, please refer to the completely illegible text at the bottom of the page.

FACT: In Mexico, everybody lives in bland shoebox-like shacks with windows cut in the sides. Also, there’s absolutely no vegetation aside from some dead-looking trees.

Oh, come on — you can get most Mexican doctors to prescribe you Vicodin for a mild yeast infection. It’s not like it’ll be a real trick to get them to back up your story about demonic possession.

“There was nothing in the room that he could see. Other than his own teeth plunging repeatedly into her arm.”

Forget all this possession crap — if I were them, I’d be more concerned with the explosion going off next to the table.

“And so then the priest said, ‘hey, medal, no need to get all bent out of shape about it!’ HAW HAW HAW And then he got onto his horse and asked it, ‘hey, horse, why the long face?’ HAW HAW HAW”

Foul! — Improper — use — of the double-dash –.

Father Carl Reiner.

You sure he wasn’t just holding the canister the wrong way?

Well, at least he didn’t try to mace her. Then it’d actually be something worth bitching about. “Oh no, I got a handful of tiny water droplets tossed up in my face! That tears it — I’m leaving!”

Man, I hope that footnote isn’t important. Aw, who am I kidding — this is a Chick Tract. Of course it’s not.

“This is supernatural, isn’t it? I’m asking unnecessary questions with answers that should be obvious to the reader based on context, aren’t I?”

What’s with the asterisk between “A” and “Demon”? Is it an ABBA cover band?

These people live in a house lit by a continual series of explosions, apparently. That explains why they go from “someone farted a flashbang grenade” in one panel to “total, soul-crushing void” in the next.

I think this footnote says: “*Bilbo: To be possessed by a (oval) – SaucerComm – Teledramatized lied. Matt. 9:32/12:22/4_24/8 16/8:28/8 33 Mark 5:15-18/1.32. Luke 8:27.35.”

Yeah, well, your hoping and praying hasn’t done shit to this point, so maybe switch to another tactic.

And he “really knows his Bible”, if you know what I mean.

If you zoom in, it looks like he’s kneeling next to a small fire that’s starting to burn his house, praying that it will go out. Yeah, this is the kind of guy you can trust to solve problems.

“So, you say you’ve got a demon possession, huh?” *scratches chin thoughtfully* “Mmm-hmm. Probably a blown soul-gasket. Seen that happen more times than you’d think. Yup.” *chin-scratching* “People need to change their soul oil more often, tell you what.”

“Can you help her?” “Sorry, I’m too busy weaving this gigantic basket that’s behind me.”

“This is NOT something to take lightly! Demonic possession happens all the time! It’s just that the liberal media keeps the stories out of the news!”

Hey, I think we’re going to learn exactly how one solves a problem like Maria!

“The more depressed she became”? Well, yeah, I’d imagine most people can only scam others with ridiculous spiritual mumbo-jumbo for so long before really becoming ashamed of themselves.

Looks like that footnote reads “*Harming of Birdo Pike-Diaper, pg 90, Tylenol Home Publishers”

THE ACE OF SPADES… ACE OF SPADES…

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this was an excerpt from a drawing of Johnny Fiveaces.

What is that, some kind of cat-turtle?

One would think that if these kinds of things were actually possible, we’d hear about them a lot more often. And not from douchebags like David Blaine with his lame editing tricks that splice footage of astonished onlookers from more impressive tricks between camera-trickery shots of him “levitating” with the bottom cut out of his shoe, which fools nobody. Er, but yeah, like I was saying, you’d think we’d have heard of something like this happening at least once.

Is The*Table like some combination of Wal*Mart and IKEA? Or is it another ABBA cover band?

Another flashbang grenade went off, briefly illuminating the otherwise totally black void.

BIBLE WARNINGS: Don’t actually read them, they are pretty goofy.

Actually, they should add something like “Also, don’t eat pork or shellfish and don’t cut the hair next to your ears,” since we’re dealing with Leviticus, here. “Oh no! Poor Juanita! She’s been possessed by a demon!” “She… she ate the lobster, didn’t she…”

Footnote: “*Texturing pheromones lemon acetyl-Hearing of Burlap Pike – Upper – pg 68 – Tylenol Home Publishers”

Oop, grenade went out. Better throw another one.

He’s a man very strong in the Lord. Seriously, he has, like, 20 LordSTR.

Well, if there’s more strength in Numbers, then why the hell are you reading from Leviticus? :rimshot:

“This is very serious business! Like the internet!”

Yeah. Prayer and fasting. Seems to be helping so far, so you just keep right at it.

Every house is just a goddamned shoebox in a sand waste.

“NEXT DAY” Oh, this must be that “latter day” I’m always hearing about in the commercials. :rimshot:

“(sigh) John… you’re taking an interest in the things that are going on in the world around you? (sigh again) I never should’ve told you about it.”

“In fact, I’m so devout that I’m constantly leaning toward the right. Get it? Look! See? I’m literally leaning to the right! HAW HAW HAW!”

People’s noses, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, I know! Let’s talk about unicorns! Those are real too, right?

Maria. This guy just met a girl named Maria.

What’s? With? The strangely?? Disjoin? ted? Question? Fragments??

“Come in, gentlemen! And might I ask, how are you, gentlemen!! All your faith are belong to us. You are on the way to salvation.” “What you say!!” “You have no chance to survive say your prayers. Ha ha ha ha…” “Somebody set up us the God. Take off every ‘SIN’!! You know what you doing. Remove ‘SIN’. For great justice.”

“Hello, Maria!” “Hello… Newman.”

“YAAAAAAAHH! @**!!*!! I just stubbed my toe on the goddamned table leg while sprinting toward the door! @*!!!*!*&”

“Help me! Get her off me! I’m pawing lecherously at her hair, but it doesn’t seem to be helping!”

Footnote: “Demons can direct what’s on the human heart – If the socialist a net in Chief, he is a grain dagger – (Bible) Acts 19:13-16”

“This person who we already all knew had a bunch of problems attacked me — therefore, you’re all crazy!”

What children? So far, all I’ve seen are, like, eight people in a barren wasteland.

“Get everyone away from here! And bring me more flashbangs, we just used the last one to see our way over to John to help him out.” I mean, jeez, can’t these people at least get some candles, or solar-powered lamps or something? I’d imagine just about anything would cost less than tossing out a flashbang every ten seconds.

“Maria, do you want help?” “Yes!” “Okay, great! Well, uh, I’m going to take off with my friend and pray for a while, then, leaving you here totally alone.”

“I plead the blood of Jesus”? What does that even mean?

Apparently Maria just put on a pair of sunglasses mid-sentence while saying something clever. “YAAAAAHHH”

“In Jesus’ name — I’m crushing your head! I’m crushing your head!”

What’s great about this — and the random goofy pseudo-profanity here reminds me — is that pretty much anyone with any kind of mental disorder, like Tourette’s for instance wherein a person has uncontrollable tics and utterances, was considered (and still would be by some of the more lunatic fringe) to be possessed by demons. Thus, instead of receiving any kind of medical treatment (which, in fairness, didn’t really exist at the time, at least in the capacity it does now) they’d be prayed over and treated like they had devils inside of them. Fortunately, we’ve come a long way, and nobody thinks that mental disorders of temporary or permanent varieties are demonic possessions anymore. …oh, wait.

There’s the Boy in the Bubble again, bouncing by in the background.

Yep — don’t you dare criticize our goofy beliefs or you’ll be sorry!

“Hey Maria… or Verono or whatever… check this out! Look! *vvvt vvvt* Do you like my dance? *vvvt* I’m a blind robot! *vvvt*”

Know what would’ve been better? If she would’ve said “My Name is Potato“, and then this was the rest of the Tract:

What is this, fuckin’ Rumpelstiltskin? All you have to do is figure out the demon’s name and you’ve vanquished him?

Man, a lot of people putting on sunglasses mid-sentence tonight.

Wait, that’s it? “It’s gone!”? You… you just tell it to leave and it goes? Well that’s anticlimactic.

You know, I just thought of something: In other Tracts, Jack has, say, gay people and Atheists and such all teeming with demons, but they never claw at people’s faces and scream and throw holy water, and they don’t have special demon powers or anything either. What gives? You’d think that if these demons actually gave a shit about the whole “soul war” thing, they’d just jump into as many bodies as possible and start clawing at everything in sight, not just, like, entering into committed relationships with people who have the same genitals they do, or not believing in God.

“Has Jesus Christ come in the flesh?” Jesus uses lambskin condoms, apparently.

FEAR FEAR FEAR! BETTER BELIEVE IN GOD OR BAD THINGS ARE GONNA HAPPEN!

Yep, better believe in Jesus, what with all these rampant demonic possessions we all hear so much about all the time. Hell, can’t even serve pea soup these days without at least half the people at dinner power-barfing it into your face and talking about your deceased mom’s demon fellatio habit.

Someone should throw another flashbang — it’s starting to get dark out.

Another thing: All these things — charms, ouija boards, books of incantation — actually have mystical powers! I’ve read about it happening. Some guy’s friend’s brother wrote about the account of some priest that this woman who sings with his mom in the choir at their church heard about. It’s true! Some little girl actually summoned an unholy templar to wreak havoc on their Midwestern town! And we never heard about it because of the Atheist conspiracy. And the Jews.

“Believe it! Study it — master it, teach it and live it. Smell it! Smell the Bible. Look at it. Put it under your pillow at night and sleep on it. Eat it. Fry it up with some onions. Fold your laundry on it. Press flowers with it. Dab it against bacon to remove excess grease. Breathe it! Grind it into a fine powder and breathe it! BREEEAATHE IIIITTT!”

“You have been bought at a terrible price! Seriously, I paid, like, four thousand dollars for you. And that’s in U.S. money, not your crappy peso-dollars or whatever they’re called down here. Real money. I mean, I’ve been to other slave auctions — you’d normally fetch half that. But I have no choice, really. I needed a slave, and this was the closest village. But goddamn, I just wanted you to know what a terrible price I bought you at. Shit.”

“Your body is not your own — it is now the dwelling place of the holy spirit!” Hey, you don’t need these lungs, do you? I was thinking of putting in an HDTV or something. Maybe hook a computer up to it. And this liver, here… uh, yeah, doesn’t go with the rest of the furniture. What’re you complaining about? This is my house now, bitch.

Will no one think of the homeless demons? He’s probably out selling himself in order to save up for a security deposit on a place, but then someone’s going to end up taking advantage of him, and I mean, what’s he gonna do, hire a lawyer? He’s a homeless demon. For just pennies a day — the price of a cup of coffee — you, too, can help a recently-dispossessed demon find a new home. Habitat for Inhumanity. Won’t you?

“Hey, John, what are you doing out here? And why do I look like I’m a chubby Dale Gribble who just crawled out of a Vaseline swamp?”

What a tweest!

Oh, come on, all you have to do is say “Verono go away in the name of Jesus” and he’ll leave. It’s not like it’s that big a deal.

Looks like someone’s still tossing the Boy in the Bubble around back there.


In all, this was astonishingly disappointing Fantastic Four fanfic. They only once referenced even one of the characters, but it soon became obvious the author had no idea what he was talking about. It’s like he did absolutely no research at all, and never even read any of the actual F4 comics, and just sort of made up this really stupid, wacky story that had nothing to do with The Thing at all. This Chick guy must be completely out of touch with reality or something to make something this bad. The dialog was ridiculous — there’s no way anyone would ever say any of these things. And what was with all the religious stuff?

Fortunately, we can all take comfort in the fact that this guy is probably never going to be hired at Marvel with poor spec work like this.

87 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | The Thing”

      1. The father also blames his daughter for getting pregnant via rape. The story is clearly both anti-abortionist and anti-divorce. Also, the hero of the story tells the married couple that she should submit to him and please him.
        On the other hand, the art is superb. Gemlike in its loving detail.

  1. Last page: Behold! As I turn into a vibrator, because vibrators are Satanic!

    “Treat the occult like the plague!” The needle broke when I tried to inject penicillin into my playing cards.

  2. SQUEEEE!!!!! Just finished my final, and what do I see when I sit down for some R&R? It’s like it’s my birthday or something! How I’ve missed these dissections!

    helen_s: I clicked on that link and, seriously, that looks like it would be at least twice as painful as the tracts. That’s probably because, just judging from the cover alone, it appears to have a considerably larger percentage of pure smug combined with some half-assed imitation Irma Bombeck. You are very cruel. 🙂

  3. Yeah, demons are a big threat alright.

    “Hey you Verono! Get out of here!”

    “What? Fuck, you knew my name?”

    “Well yeah, you just shouted it out like 10 seconds ago”

    “Crap, well I guess I’m bound to leave or whatever, can I get my stuff later tonight? No? Well shit, man, that’s cold.”

    Kinda sad that it’s easier to get rid of these terrible demons than it is to get rid of drunk & lingering party-goers.

    Also I’m a little confused on the demon attacking John thing, isn’t Chick’s crazy belief that all you have to do is accept Jesus and BAM you’re in? Doesn’t matter if you professionally rape and skewer kittens, or whatever, as long as you say “Hey Jesus, I accept you, dude!” and Jesus gives you the thumbs up, you go to heaven. So if John was having sex with his neighbors wife or whatever and accepted Jesus, then I would imagine the Demon would be able to do nothing to him.

    Continuity, Jack! CONTINUITY!

  4. Well, for the likes of Chick to exhibit continuity in their beliefs, they’d actually have to think about them. And you know where thinking leads you!

    You see, only non-believers ever indulge in any sort of kitten-skewering or whatnot. Well, they have to believe that, or else they can’t believe that they have the one great answer to all the world’s ills. But see how quickly they forget it when one of their own, particularly those revered holy leaders, indulge in some unsavoury behavior, and go into the ” all you need is faith” dance. To be forgotten entirely in the next minute as they insist that YOU the atheist absolutely MUST be raping babies in your spare time, for the only way to be moral is to hold a specific belief about a supernatural deity in your head. You only SEEM moral on the surface, but underneath you are positively depraved. And round and round we go.

    I stopped expecting continuity from these dipshits a long time ago. Ya know, the definition of insanity and all….

  5. helen_s, that thing is a GOLDMINE. SO FREAKING CRAZY that I woke up with a headache today from all the facepalming. It’d be a shame NOT to take down that epic tract.

  6. You really, REALLY need to find the Chick Tract “Home Alone” and do the dissection it deserves, considering the current times of gay marriage around the states.

  7. Dingo–you READ it? OW! Geez, I was waiting for a convenient time to get drunk before I even tried. No wonder you had a headache, since the facepalming had to be at a jackhammer rate. Frankly, I’m surprised you’re even alive! 😀

  8. I only read one chapter of the linked comic. It got boring really fast. It was like trying to read six Chick tracts with no Jabberwock to make it tolerable.

    To me, trying to dissect that huge thing would be like dissecting every line in Mein Kampf. Sure, it’s disgusting, illogical, and paranoid. But that doesn’t make a mockery riveting reading for an entire day
    .

    You’d almost have to do that comic book in installments, or else excerpts. Otherwise, there’s too little content. ‘Cause yo know how we complain about Chick taking two pages of dialogue and stretching it for ten? In this case, it would be like stretching it out for fifty.

    And what is with you guys and your kitten snuff fetishes?

  9. This made me chuckle — great as always!

    “What’s? With? The strangely?? Disjoin? ted? Question? Fragments??”

    You know, she is Mexican — maybe it’s just the case that her English isn’t that good.

    “Another thing: All these things — charms, ouija boards, books of incantation — actually have mystical powers!”

    People: Chick and Co. realise that all of these things are HANDMADE, right? As in, an ouija board is just a bit of varnished plywood with some numbers and letters on it.

    So, someone answer me this — if someone decided to make this out of ordinary objects (therefore, it being an ordinary object itself) why would it suddenly be possessed by a demon? Why do they think this?

    And, why do they think that a demon is going to have an interest in a that specific bit of wood? What criteria do they have for deciding what charms to possess? Why would they do that anyway?

    Hell, why would they even want to possess one person? What do they hoep to accomplish?

    If someone could discuss and/or answer some of these with/for me, that would be great, because it would provide an interesting and very valuable insight into the mind of your average fundamentalist, for all of us.

    Also, it’s interesting to note that if you ask one this sort of question, they’ll go silent. Seems they didn’t quite think their logic through.

    Also, I read that linked Tract and shook me head.

    I’ll be back soon. Laters, taters.

  10. Second panel, the mother says “Come in and lock the door!” In the next panel, the mother says “[The thing] even goes through locked doors!” Um… yeah.

  11. And he “really knows his Bible”, if you know what I mean.

    SAY NO MORE!! Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

  12. @ #10: You may be right. I was thinking of doing it in installments anyway; I couldn’t bear the sight of that child for more than 17 seconds at a time. (If you’ve read the link you will understand that last clause, and probably agree.) But Chapter 2 is an improvement. Blonde boy cracks and starts singing to the vacuum cleaner, and the other fellow turns into a werewolf.

    1. feitelberg, is this gig your full time job? just wondering if 2 blog posts a day eaqetus to a full time, real job. i’m not being a dick honest question.

  13. This tract looks pretty bad, but I just want to know why Avast Antivirus is saying one of your site’s frames has a virus in it.

    http://www.enterthejabberwock.com/
    HTML:Iframe-inf
    Virus/Worm

    I like your site, but I’d like to know what’s up before I figure out how to just tell Avast to give it up. It’s not computer swine flu is it?

  14. OMG I read that book on the Chick website–that ass missionary totally told that girl she should stay with her husband even if he’s abusive and controlling!!! Jack Chick is a sick, sick, sad excuse for a human being.

  15. The Luigiian: I was wondering why my anti-virus keeps telling me it’s removed a Trojan (something called “Exploit”)every time I come to this site. Unless that’s something totally different from what you’re talking about.

  16. They should have called in the Winchester Brothers from “Supernatural”. They always save the day…with guns. And they aren’t Christians or even religious.

  17. Since Jack Chick’s footnotes only reference the Bible or books published by Chick Publishing and written by his friends and associates it hardly matters what they say.

  18. Interesting that the violently anti-Catholic Chick would be totally down with accounts of demon possession reported by the Grand Papist Conspiracy. Of course, naturally the magical Catholic Mason Satanist rituals aren’t effective, since only Chick’s particular brand of Christianity is actually valid.

    “Those idiots actually believe in demons! I, however, was just coming along so as to see something that I don’t believe exists!”

    Also, interestingly, Chick is quoting sources other than Chick Publications (Moody Press and Tyndale House are the names I can actually read.) Guess he couldn’t find a former pastor to write up a book agreeing with his positions that he could publish.

  19. AT 20: Ja. Very interesting indeed.

    Also, anyone going to help mme out with some of those damn questions in my last comment?

    Really, how those people come up with and believe that load of bollocks, despite the huge logical holes in it, is beyond me.

  20. Sooo, Maria’s family likes this guy because, “he loves Jesus and really knows his Bible.” As opposed to the priest, who’s made it his life’s duty to serve God? Who may also have made an honest attempt to expel the demon? Guess he doesn’t love Jesus or the Bible!
    Anyway the priest is Catholic, so of course he has no place or power in the Chickverse….

  21. Hey J, you forgot the customary @!!!!** after every instance of cussing. COMPLETELY ruined the experience for me.

  22. I noticed the antivirus has calmed down without me telling it to. Nice Avast.

    Anyway, I read through Part One of that “marriage mess.”

    OLD LADY: And he’s single! Martha, you must meet him when he comes! I guess he doesn’t know many white women!

    OLD LADY 2: Oh Helen, he sounds like a wonderful man!

    OLD CAR SALESMAN LOOKING WEIRDO: Come on, match-maker! I’ve got to get home before the game starts.

    I guess he doesn’t know many white women. I can’t tell, is he subtly attacking racism or what with this quip? Why did he have her say this? What, because the guy’s from Africa, and there are no white people in Africa? Why did Jack include this?

    Good Lord in Heaven. I can tell this new entry’s going to test my soul. I already have enough trouble with Albuquerque’s local Christian propaganda station M-88 and their “Raw Talk” bullshit. Fundies are coming really close to turning me atheist. Like, this close *puts fingers microns apart from each other*

    http://www.m88.org/rawtalk.asp <–Listen to 4/26/09 “Miss California, Same Sex Marriage” and 3/08/09 “The Bible and Gay Marriage.” These came close to making me pop an artery.

  23. Edit: I just listened to the “Miss California” one for the first time. Actually, that one does not make me pop an artery. But “The Bible and Gay Marriage” still does.

  24. The creepier part of the matchmaking bit? The guy’s wife recently died of an unspecified tropical disease.

  25. Aaah… Not-so-good old Chicko… The Chickster, he really believes in demonic possession and witchcraft!

    In my country, we have some immigrants who do, and they do all these voodoo rituals and stuff. And claim to see demons fly away and everything. But they also believe strongly in God and everything.

    I’d like to see Chick and one of those discuss. It ought to be funny.

    Also, I think it might be funny to assault Chick with a dead mackerel whilst pretending to be possessed by a demon. He’d be all like ‘Jesus rebuke you!’ And you could slap him with the fish anyway whilst not being ‘rebuked’

    *Slap*

    Jesus!

    *Slap*

    Oh Lord!

    *Slap*

  26. Why does Godboy instantly distrust John? John assures him he’s a devout Christian, and yet the guy is immediately distrustful of him. Considering John later turns out not to be a devout Christian (at least by Chick’s insane standards), did the guy have a built-in bullshit detector?

    Also, two other things: one, exactly who is this douchebag? He appears to be some random guy. We never even learn his name. Not that I can see anyway. Why is he more qualified to deal with Maria than the priest? Chick’s opinion of clergymen sure fluctuates. When they’re not holy savior mouthpieces of God, they’re useless wastes of space like that guy or Chaplin Davis.

    And two…why does the demon care that John lied? I’ll buy into the idea that the demon reveals John’s duplicity, but since demons love sin, why the hell does Verono make Maria try to rip off John’s face???

  27. Another tract where either demons or Satan himself are depicted as having IQs below that of a rock. Why did the demon show the “good witch” something that frightened her so much to renounce the occult? Why did the demon then possess her? Why did the demon attack a sinner? Why have being cast out did the demon go into the person it attacked?

    Better than that why has Chick’s drawing improved so much? Perhaps he didn’t even do the drawing for this track.

  28. @ 28 He simply looked at his face. If you are not handsome you are not Christian. Quite common give away in all Chick tracts

    @29 There are two artists. One is chick himself (this is the crappy style), other is Fred Carter (who actually can draw). there could be even more but Carter was identified because of his style

  29. “My Name is Potato”

    That was an awesome alternative ending. I guess we’ll see it included in the “director’s cut” release of Chick’s “The Thing”

  30. I’m confused. The only way to cure Maria of the “Thing” is to bring someone of strong Christian faith, right? But in one of the earlier panels, we’re told that there was *already* a priest in to see her, and that she not only failed to respond but bent his medallion and threw his holy water back in his face. Are we supposed to conclude that the first priest wasn’t devoted enough to his faith? If so, why doesn’t Chick SAY so? I mean, it’s a Chick Tract. They’re not exactly known for their subtlety.

  31. Kiro-

    As Chick has so convincingly shown in previous tracts and writings, Catholics are not true Christians, and the Catholic clergy is in a league with Satan himself to delude the followers.

  32. Actually it’d be more interesting to play poker with Tarot cards. “Last night I had a full house and four people died.”

  33. Speaking of occult things happening all the time, I just saw a chunk of that Bill Schnoebelen interview from “Interview with an Ex-Vampire.” Now my ears won’t stop bleeding. Must be a combination of aneurysm and pissed-off.

  34. I want to create an old-time medicine wagon and market elixirs like “Soul Oil”. That would be killer. Can I borrow “All your faith are belong to us” as my slogan?

  35. Why does Godboy instantly distrust John?

    One of the many magical transformations that happens when you drop down on your knees and say the correct magic words is that you develop the power of “discernment.”
    It lets you know who is and who isn’t a “proper” Christian.

  36. “Better than that why has Chick’s drawing improved so much? Perhaps he didn’t even do the drawing for this track.”

    Actually, this looks like one of his really old ones — back when his drawing was sorta halfway decent and he still did his own lettering. Compare it to the original This Was Your Life and you’ll see what I mean.

  37. I’ll address other comments a little later because I should probably get to sleep at some point or maybe I’ll just embrace partial insomnia and completely drive myself into the ground, but:

    Chick himself seems to have two different styles: The cartoonish (usually used for kid-oriented Tracts and the goofier, more “playful” ones) and the (attempted) realistic, like this one and anything more “serious”. Both of these styles have gotten even worse over the years, especially since Jack’s stroke.

    Fred Carter is the one who does all the Tracts with more realistic art (though it still mostly sucks and is inconsistent as hell), with all the shaded, well-oiled, lovingly-detailed, muscular male bodies and things.

    So the artwork in this is Chick’s, and I think we can explain away the lack of Jewish caricaturization in part due to the fact that the demon is never actually seen and there are really no “villains” in this other than the dude who cheated on his wife, and I think he’s not demonized here — pardon the pun — because the point is supposed to be “it could happen to anyone” and if it only happened to Chick’s usual stereotyped Jew-villain, that notion wouldn’t really come across as well.

  38. @rocky: Actually, what that reminds me of the most is Infinite Jest, with the Year of the Depends Adult Undergarment and the Year of the Tucks Medicated Pad and such. What a joke, and I’m glad that most other people (especially elected representatives) seem to see it as such.

  39. WAIT. Why would some magical force bending a medal bearing an image of the Virgin (i.e. a saint that Chick accuses Catholics of deifying) be proof of an evil, anti-Yahweh force? Wouldn’t Chick consider that proof of an angel or something?

  40. “If you zoom in, it looks like he’s kneeling next to a small fire that’s starting to burn his house, praying that it will go out. Yeah, this is the kind of guy you can trust to solve problems.”

    I dunno, it looks to me more like he’s setting the fire. Yeah, an arsonist is totally the kind of guy you want exorcising your daughter’s demons.

    There’s some interesting new Chicks out now, if you’re into blatant racism (Now Approved For Black People!!) and hilarious confusion between Santeria and Catholicism.

  41. When the mustache man got his face scratched he shouldve screamed “achh, bitch you cut my face!” and the shot her in the stomach. (watchmen reference)

  42. “[H]and-crafted by Jack Chick with all the talent, love and beauty of a cat throwing up half a dead mouse onto your bed”

    Yes, but with less sincerity.

  43. This is proof enough that Jack Chick still lives in the dark ages.

    “Beleive it! Shadow clone jutsu!”

  44. I LOVE this tract! I have a friend named Maria and we have an inside joke involving the Antichrist, so this was especially funny to me.

    Excellent dissection, as always. There’s one tract I wanted you to do, but I can’t find it. I think it was the one made right after First Bite, condemning communion. My favourite panel was when Jack explained what happened during communion. Apparently, a tiny flying Jesus fairy flies into the bread, making a “Wham!” sound (I demanded a George Michael joke). I’ve taken communion a million times and I don’t remember that ever happening.

  45. I don’t know what was worse the stupid Chick tract or the boring commentary? I‘ll read another one. Was the commentary funny-nope it sucked. The author was to busy smoking pole to write any thing funny.

  46. @ Storot: for some reason Frank’s answer reminded me of Celebrity Deathmatch’s “I’ll allow it!”

  47. @33 Actually Chick simply says card reading (cartomancy) which in theory can be done with any deck of cards.

    Though around since 1442 the Tarot deck only got the mystic connection added c1780s and by that time other decks were being used for cartomancy. The 32-card piquet deck for instance was and still is used for cartomancy in France and you can do cartomancy with the “standard” 52-card deck.

    Every once and a while Chick gets something right–but then again a broken clock tells the correct time twice a day.

  48. @Ryan: … Oh god. Fucking agreed. That just really pushes the fact that no one would EVER SAY ANY OF THAT DIALOUGE IN REAL LIFE. Does Jack pull that sort of dialouge from his ass or something? If so, I’m not surprised.

    Oh yeah. I was lurking the Chick Tract website, and stumbled across this gem. Jack sure must like the feel of being a self-important bastard.

    http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0900/0900_01.asp

    Funfact: I looked at page 10 recently, and instead of thinking that one bloke was talking about Mao Zedong, I thought of Mao from Disgaea 3. (http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/1912/maon.png)

  49. @Rapax Pringer: My god yes. Maybe Pride doesn’t make it onto Jack’s list of the Seven Deadly? (Or perhaps he just thinks it’s short for Gay Pride.)

  50. Holy crap, that new tract is bad. And I don’t mean like “this cheesy flick is so bad I’m actually enjoying it” but like “this is so bad I’d rather claw out my eyes then read it again”

  51. Damn, my Ouija board won’t levitate, consult the dead, or do any of the other cool shit Jack claims things like it will do. And fucking Wal-Mart, they won’t let me take it back for a refund. “No, sir, we’re sorry. But you can’t return it simply because it won’t consult the spirits of the dead to your satisfaction. Maybe they’re busy or something, I don’t know. But, sir, you opened the box so we can’t sell it now. People will think it’s pre-loaded with the spirits of people they don’t want to talk to, you know, like dead politicians. And we can’t guarantee necromancy…it’s just not in Wal-Mart’s return policy. See, the Ouija board isn’t broken or missing pieces…so we can’t return it. We know you think it’s broken because it won’t consult—who was it you’re trying to reach?—oh, yeah, Julius Caesar but you know, he’s probably a busy man. He’s probably got fifteen thousand Ouija boards on hold right now. And you know they don’t have voicemail or email. But what we can do is exchange this for a deck of Tarot–oh, you tried those. Oooo-key….how about Monopoly? Everybody LOVES Monopoly! I know, it doesn’t consult the dead but, whaddya gonna do?”

  52. Also, late reply, but I noticed that Verono is an anagram of Ronove, which is the name of a sexy demon butler in Umineko no Naku Koro ni (if you haven’t read it, torrent it right now and read it. Or you could watch the anime.). I’d like to think the “seven others” the bloke’s reffering to are the Stakes of Purgatory from the same soundnovel.

    Hey, a prinny can dream, can’t se/he? ;D

  53. You know, we should really make Jack watch some Digimon. Can you imagine the epileptic fits he would have seeing all of the Christian references and characters? I mean, hell, off the top of my head there’s:

    Angemon -> MagnaAngemon -> Seraphimon
    Angewomon -> Lady Ophanimon
    Devimon
    LadyDevimon
    MarineDevimon (Devimon and a giant squid’s love child)
    Cherubimon (who looks like a neon jester rabbit and digivolves from a little flop-eared rabbit thing to a wendigo to a tall skinny Popeye-built rabbit to the neon jester rabbit)
    Lilithmon (a sultry woman who looks like Lulu from Final Fantasy X with a rotted clawed arm)
    Daemon (a big freaky demon)
    Beelzemon (a trash-talking biker demon with a SHOTGUN)
    Leviamon (the Crocostimpy’s huge mean ugly cousin from the Ozarks)
    Belphemon (another freaky demon)
    Mephistomon (see above)
    and last, but certainly not least, Lucemon. Who starts as a beautiful young boy with 10 wings, digivolves into a tall manly woman with five angel wings and five demon wings, and then into a gigantic scary-ass dragon.

    And then there was the entire Revelations thing with the first season and Myotismon (a vampire Digimon! Hey, why wasn’t he in “First Bite”?!).

  54. @The Wally Llama: Either that, or make him read/watch Umineko no Naku Koro ni. Wonder how’d he react, since the animu has witches, majeek, and occultic crap he’d whine about. Also, there’s seven girls called the Stakes of Purgatory, which represent the seven sins and are named after demons (which are Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub, Mammon, Asmodeus, Belphegor, and Leviathan.), and are bloody awesome to boot.

    Also, small bombs.

    Oh, the absurdity that would result.

    But in all seriousness, I recommend watching the anime or reading the soundnovel of aforementioned series. I suggest finding a torrent for the soundnovel, though (as well as get the english patch from Witch Hunt); the anime didn’t do the VN justice.

  55. I remember that something like this happened in the Philippines sometime in 1953; I can’t quite remember the details, but I know that the victim’s name was called Clarita Villanueva or something like that, and she was found on the streets of Manila running around screaming about a bug-eyed monster chasing her. Until teeth marks appeared from nowhere, the police thought she was on drugs. She made a full recovery after being taken to the hospital, although the doctors had no idea about what caused the attack. I theorize it was an extra-dimensional entity that had a taste for human flesh which was invisible to normal people. (Clarita must have had some special ability to see beings from another dimension.)

    Hey, it’s better than Chick’s version. Wish I could remember the source, though.

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  57. Pair of n00bs.

    When you take on the boss monster, you need a tank, a healer, and three dps’ers.

    No wonder they got wiped the first time.

  58. wait a minute… they’re in a dark room constantly. The area is being lit up at random…

    OH DEAR LORD ITS ALONE IN THE FART!

    *scenes of people farting to light up the room follows*

  59. oh god, the potato song. ccan’t… breath….laughing too hard…

    but I agree, that was a horrible fanfic. no reserch what so ever. the dissection however, was halarious.

    potato is a good friend of mine. I’ll have to forward him that song.

  60. “FEAR FEAR FEAR! BETTER BELIEVE IN GOD OR BAD THINGS ARE GONNA HAPPEN!”

    Yeah. That about sums up religion.

    The YouTube video no longer works. 🙁

  61. Great dissection all around, my favourite parts are you making fun of the illegible footnotes, and the lines; “Somebody set up us the God” and “There was nothing in the room that he could see. Other than his own teeth plunging repeatedly into her arm.”
    (The latter is exactly what I was thinking reading that part of the comic)
    Most of the comic, and especially that last footnote kind of pissed me off. I don’t want uninformed, shallow minded Christians and other idiots thinking people with conditions like scizophrenia are demon possessed.
    These people get enough bad rep from general society, and don’t need to be treated like animals or crazy people.
    I dated a girl who was scizophrenic, and she was completely normal, save for a few odd skizo habits, like making sticky notes of the names of the voices she heard. (Ooh, it’s DEMONS, right Jack? Like the names of demons, right? Fuck you Jack.)

  62. Personally, when I saw “The Thing” I thought of John Carpenter’s horror film, one of two horror films I actually respect. But according to the copyright date this was published ten years before that, so I guess the Fantastic Four work better.

  63. I found a link to several newspapers that carried the story of Clarita Villanueva, it’s pretty interesting stuff even if one is a skeptic of it:

    Barrier Miner (New South Wales Paper):
    http://trove.nla.gov.au/ndp/del/page/3541852?zoomLevel=1

    Beaver Valley Times:
    https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1981&dat=19530520&id=6F0tAAAAIBAJ&sjid=DNoFAAAAIBAJ&pg=742,5825273&hl=en

    The Sydney Morning Herald:
    https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1301&dat=19530520&id=Wp9VAAAAIBAJ&sjid=srEDAAAAIBAJ&pg=1348,2645122&hl=en

    Very interesting stuff.

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