Chick Dissection | The Little Lamb (Guest Dissection by Adude)

“The Passover lamb saved the lives of the firstborn Jews in Egypt. Now Jesus is the Lamb who can save you!”

Ah, Exodus. One of the most famous books in the Old Testament, and my favorite for all the wrong reasons. This… this will be fun.

J: It’s my favorite for even wronger reasons. *breaks out the Kleenex and Vaseline* Let’s do this!

J: (Again, my stuff will be denoted as you see here, with the J:, and anything unmarked belongs to the guest Dissector. This one wasn’t a tag-team-style one like the last few — I just added my two cents afterward.)

J: Poor Little Lamb indeed. All it can do is walk around and around in a three-foot circle. If that was my life, I’d long for death.

Hey, I think this was in Jurassic Park! Too bad what’s coming is a lot worse than a T-Rex. Yo, Lambchop! Look happy, would ya? You’re going to be sacrificed for our misdeeds; you should be frolicking! Now FROLICK! Frooooliiiick…

J: Oh, this is a lot worse than a T-Rex, all right. It’s a Chick Tract.

J: “Yeah, well, Moses says a lot of things… grumble grumble grumble…

J: I’d hate to be around for one of this guy’s sneezes. Sheesh.

Wow. Kid, if you even have a chance of looking like your old man, just let yourself die. BTW, if you look like a goblin or… that… moose-thing talking to the slave on the right, have the courtesy not to reproduce. It’s just the right thing to do.

J: “…and a tasty way to do it.” Wait, what? Get out of here, Wilford Brimley! Who left all this oatmeal and insulin sitting out? Don’t you know it attracts them?

Ah, Chick? You might not want to get into who does and does not show mercy, pal, seeing as Yahweh has a thing about slaughtering everything from livestock to pregnant women*. Often**. For stupid reasons***.

J: Yeah, it’s hard to argue from the perspective of mercy when your deity burns people for an eternity. Nothing anyone could possibly do within a human lifetime warrants that. It’s forever, for fuck’s sake.



***Judges (especially the end — unholy crap.)

J: So the Egyptians flogged and enslaved their dirt as well?

So, citing the Bible to back itself up, huh? Well, I see your circular argument and raise you a logical question: why the FUCK would it take an all-powerful, all -ahem- ‘loving’ god 400 years to respond to this? Yahweh’s reasoning for letting them go in the first place is so they can be his people and he can be their god*, so what’s he doing in the meantime?

Slaves: “Aaaaargh, the suffering! The unbearable agony! Oh God, why can’t you hear us?!”

Yahweh: “Yeah, yeah, later. I’m playing the Sims. Hahaha, he peed himself!”

Slaves: “God, what the hell (which hasn’t been mentioned in the Bible yet)?! We’re REAL people! I… I think they’re going to drown my children!!”

Yahweh: “But I just bought the Wars and Plagues expansion paaaack™! Gimme a few more hundred years, then I’ll get back to you. You know, maybe.”

J: I think it’s just that Yahweh takes really long shits.

Aww, Chick, you missed my favoritest part of the Bible, you jerk! But don’t worry, I’ll tell you aaaall about it later.

J: Trust me, he won’t listen. Inconvenient parts of the Bible don’t seem to exist for most Christians.

It’s the god signal! Run, Moses! Ruuuuunnn!

J: “Yeah, God? Okay, I get what you’re saying, and I appreciate the attention and all, but do you think you could maybe, uh, tone it down with the spotlight a little? It’s already the middle of the fuckin’ desert out here, I don’t need the added heat. Plus, I’m pretty sure you can see me just fine without it, being omniscient and all that. Thanks a bundle!”

J: “They suffered for generations under cruel and merciless leaders. They watched as their children were enslaved, tortured and worked to death. But all bad things must come to an end! This summer, it’s Payback Time for Egypt! Rated R.”

*Pretty much all of Exodus.

Are they quoting themselves? That’s… awesome, actually. “…Verily, I say unto you, that adding ‘bitches’ to the end of all sentences will increase its coolness one hundred fold…bitches.”*

J: I like to think they’re both just being really ironic about the whole thing.

Pharaoh’s ‘nasty’ answer? You’re talking about a guy who, according to your holy book, made people build huge triangular rocks (for Satan of course), and then drowned their babies. The worst you could come up with was nasty? It just looks like a question! Who is this LORD, and why is his name in CAPITAL LETTERS?! Hang on, I have to eat my lower lip — GNAARR gnarr arraom nom nom nom nom!

J: Ask a question that implies that you don’t know who a guy is? Sorry, now you have to lose everything you’ve ever had in a torrent of misery inflicted almost indiscriminately on everyone around you! BZZZT, thanks for playing, you lose!

…Um… pounded with plagues, eh? …Hmm. So god… pounded Egypt silly with plagues… Nope, sorry. Nothing funny there. I tried.

J: “Foolish Pharaoh thought he could take on God. But now, God’s gonna take on him! This summer, it’s Payback Time for Egypt! Rated R.”

*Me, the Unfathomably Hot.

Why is she saying ‘it’s Moses’ so calmly? She looks like she should at least be shouting, unless her face is permanently screwed up into a shriek like that.

J: They’ve just gotten used to it at this point. Look at her half-closed eyes — I think she looks more depressed than horrified, really. Bored, almost. Picture a long, drawn-out sigh before her dialog.

It’s hilarious how even Pharaoh, the badguy, is all, “Frogs? Wtf??” More than anything else, this is proof that Yahweh has no sense of humor. Yes, the Egyptians had a frog-headed goddess, but they also had one with a dog’s, a cat’s, a crocodile’s, and a camel’s. How fun would it be to rain camels on your foes? Listening to them bellow on their way down, then SPLAT onto unfortunate Egyptians. I’m not saying it’s cool to slaughter these people, but there’s at least a few more fun ways to go about it.

J: When God gives you frogs, make frogade.

“Look, flies! Billions of them!” If I were him, I’d be a lot less concerned with their number and a lot more wetting my pants because they’re fucking huge! They should be saying, “Shit, it’s Starship Troopers!” “I hate that movie!”* Twitch, twitch, twitch.


*I actually liked that movie, but I think I’m the only one.

J: Nah, from what I understand, it’s pretty popular in kind of a cult/ironic way.

Yahweh: “You thought giant flies were bad? Now I send upon you… giant locusts! Yeah! What ya got now!? Huh? Huh?? Yeah! Locusts! They’re gonna… well, they’re herbivores, but… they’ll eat all your clothes and shit! Then you’ll have to yell at Pharaoh while naked, like I created you! That’ll teach you, you bunch of heathens.”

J: “Where’s your God n– oh. Never mind.”

Locusts are actually a good source of protein (which I know for sure, because I use the internet), so no one apparently went hungry after this one, which is nice. Nice guy, Jealous.

Oh yeah. Yahweh’s name is actually Jealous. Seriously*. Hey, at least he admits it…


J: Pharaoh wasn’t a very good leader if he couldn’t figure out how to turn an infestation of giant bugs and raining frogs around into a bunch of really delicious (though admittedly monotonous) meals. Guy deserved everything he got.

*Exodus 34:14, KJV. PWNED!1!!

At first I figured Moses was trying to intimidate Pharaoh, but now I see that he’s trying to look up Pharaoh’s nose for whatever’s making him snort so hard. Also, the snake on his crown is sticking its tongue at him mockingly. Nya.

J: “Yes, yes, first born, dead, that’s all good and well, but… tell me, Moses… do I need to break out the neti pot, or does it look like it’s going to clear up on its own up there?”

~~Ranting time!~~
Ok, ok, ok, here’s the reason Exodus is my favorite book — it’s because Jealous is the one making Pharaoh so stubborn!* I thought the Christian god was a dick-monkey before reading the Old Testament, but then I get to Exodus, one of their proudest moments, and… watch their god play puppet-master?!

So this whole time, Yahweh/Jealous/Asshole Almighty is literally smiting the Egyptians while giving them no chance to repent or recover, and Moses, being in on the joke, must find it hilarious! And it all escalates to this point, where Moses says his god is going to kill their children, and Moses couldn’t care less!

Yahweh: “Yes, dance! Dance for me, dance my pretties!”

Pharaoh: “Moses, please, stop this! We’re dying, we can’t take another hit!”

Moses: “Heehee, only if you let my people go.”

Pharaoh: “I’m… trying… I… can’t… say it! Oh gods, my heart hurts…!”

Moses: “So, is that a ‘no’?”

Pharaoh: “But… No, I… I… That’s not fair…!”

Moses: “Too bad, more plagues for you then. Hope you weren’t too attached to your son, bitch.”

Pharaoh: “NOOOOOOO!!!”

Yahweh: “…Me DAMN it, I’m a genius! We have to write this part down, it’s pure gold! But be sure to give me credit, ok? I’M the one making all this suffering happen. Yeah. Write that down. WORSHIP ME!”

This is all cute in mythology, but IRL, if some dude with weird hair and a staff made frogs fall from the sky, you’d at least be thinking about what he has to say before he needs to whip out the big guns, right? What gets me the most is that Moses supposedly grew up with these people! Didn’t his foster mother cry to him? Wouldn’t his childhood friends beg for their lives? He believed he was Egyptian for yeeeaaars, and out of nowhere a talking plant tells him to torture and slaughter his too-recent kinsmen because The Omnipotent Dick wants to — get this — “gain glory from this,” and Moses is FINE WITH IT?!

No. Just… no. No. Only if Moses had less emotional capacity than the fucking Terminator.

Except, oh,** wait,*** he didn’t.****

J: (Further supporting evidence for my assertion that if the Bible is actually real, then the God depicted therein is actually Satan, Lucifer/The Tree of Knowledge is the protagonist, some philosopher named Jesus was co-opted as the “Son of God” in order to keep his message of “just be fucking nice to each other” from spreading around and undermining God’s dictatorship, and that the Bible itself is just a trick to get gullible people to buy into worshiping Satan. Sorry to interrupt…)

It isn’t enough that the Bible has been debunked time and time again by DNA, fossil evidence, the earth rotating the sun, and other such Satan-inspired fallacies, but even in its own context it’s untrue to life, contradictory, and… frankly, horrific beyond… beyond………… (dies).

(Resurrects.) Ok. There comes a point where a struggle isn’t about the victory, but the principles involved. I don’t belive in the Christian god because the idea of him is terrifying and–and, this is an athiest speaking–wrong. The people who would say that manipulating humans like this is not only fair but righteous, for any reason, would be few and far between (and have no friends), but because it’s GOD doing this, and HE says it’s FINE, then it is and we can’t question it because he’s the LOOOOOORD and has the biggest guns.

In conclusion, he’s right because he says so. Now bend over.

~~End of rant. Discuss.~~

*Exodus 4:21.

**Exodus 32:11.

***Exodus 32:32.

****Exodus 33:13.

Where does this guy live? Next to… de-NILE! Oh, snap!
See? The obligitory skeptical character up there still doesn’t believe Moses is under orders from Jealous. Really, camels would have been more convincing all around.

J: I could hit you for that, but my arm’s too big to fit through any of the internet’s many tubes.

Hey, it’s Fang vs. Scorpion! Little does Scorpion realize that Fang is immune to venom! Plus that dog is, like, a billion years old, so he’s… a vampire dog. Immune to sunlight. Awesome.

J: He just sparkles, like those shitty vampires in that shitty book by that shitty author that’s gotten way too popular thanks to a bunch of shitty teens with shitty taste. (*sigh, pant, sob*)

“Papa, please… Think! We must follow the puppet master, it’s the only logical and right thing to do!”

Whoops, wait, no… no, it isn’t.

J: Killing children the Yahweh Way.

J: He’d better get that tumor looked at. Oh, wait, that’s his nose. Well, he should still get it looked at. In fact, I don’t think he can avoid having it looked at — I’m pretty sure it’s visible from space.

“First born? HA! You wish, Shirtless Stan! Do you have any idea what the infant mortality rate is nowadays? The Dark Ages look like freakin’ Atlantis from here!”

J: I’m with the kid, here. Slap on the blood, then have yourself a lamb roast. No reason to waste the rest of the thing.

It’s interesting here that the unbeliever is a Jew, who was protected during all these plagues as they smote his Egyptian slave-drivers until they cried and begged for mercy. Maybe this character is closer to the real Jews back in the day, who were more like servants anyway, and had actual patriotism and pride for Egypt.*

Actually, since I’m so angry, I’ll say that Unbelieving Jew there has ulterior motives for keeping the lamb. “You’ll understand when you’re older, child #483.”

J: “No, son, don’t you understand? Our lamb is the first born male child! I’ve… I’ve done some terrible things…”

*See the internet. I’m too lazy to look it up.

Holy crap! Wait, I thought Chick was against gay marriage?! …Or… is that supposed to be…

DAMN, kid. If your dad looks like that, and your mother looks like… guhh… then being slain by a loving angel might be your best option. Seriously, just die.

I guess I was right about his father’s true intentions… she does make a lamb look awfully pretty.

J: Hey, since this Tract is already so littered with Jewish stereotypes, why not let’s really Jewify the dialog here! “No, honey, don’t you worry about our son. I’ll just sit here and watch him die. There’s no reason for you to go out of your way to save my baby boy’s life with a simple task or anything. I’ll be okay. You just go and do your own thing, Mr. Unbeliever. You don’t have to listen to your wife or anything.”

“Thanks, Papa! Now Jealous’ bloodlust will be sated for a whole night!”

J: “No Blood for Oil! (I named my son Oil for some reason.)”

Do they really have to kill it? Maybe they should set up a lamb’s blood donation clinic in case of heavenly wrath and make a fortune so they can be persecuted later for it over and over. Wait… actually… um.

Yup. Let’s get the hell out of Egypt. Yup. Good idea, Moses.

NO, it was because JEALOUS made him UNABLE to let them GO in the FIRST PLACE!!! RARGUGHSARGHFLARMAGADRRLLL (foams at the mouth and twitches for a while).

J: God’s just a stand-up guy, really.

J: You know, it’s hard to argue that God “saved” anyone from anything, here, when he was the one doing the killing in the first place. It’s like if I figured out where every kid in the city lived, and I sent out a letter to their parents saying “put a chalk mark on the door or else I’m going to kill your kids”, and I went around killing all the kids whose parents didn’t put up chalk marks, and when I was done, I went to the mayor’s office and demanded a ticker-tape parade for “passing over” the houses of people with chalk on their doors. I mean, shouldn’t I at least be arrested or something?

J: Also, sure is a good thing it didn’t rain that night, huh?

Is… is that supposed to be an African tribsman in the background of panel 1?

Heh, I think the Egyptians would have recorded a massive angel killing their kids and poking their houses. See also, ‘Chick’ (if that IS the real artist) fails at drawing angels.

WHY? The death-angel thing only happened once! Plus, you could make sin and friendship offerings anytime you needed to,* so… what the hell?

J: Inspecting it for four days? People got kind of lamb-obsessed after what happened, huh? *stares at a lamb for four days* “HOW does this thing WORK!? Welp, better kill it in case God decides to be a total shitlord again.”

*Exodu… You know what? Just trust me.

J: So… why a lamb, specifically? Why not, like, a rat or a canary or an elephant or a camel? I mean, there are millions of other animals to pick from.

All sin has a price, for some reason, and that price is blood. Look at that fuzzy wuzzy… um, thing! Isn’t your first thought to slaughter it and appease the angry invisible god hovering over your shoulder and judging your every move? What? ‘No’? What is wrong with you?!

J: I kind of picture it going, like, “a-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!” with that thing in its mouth. Or, like, saying something really 1940s and smug and maybe womanizing.

Jeez, John the Baptist looks like he’s freakin’ out. Maybe that’s because it isn’t water he’s bathing in, or because his armpit is talking. (Actually, J the B had his doubts about Jesus being the son of god*.)

John the Baptist: “Fine! You’re a lamb! Whatever! Just STOP drinking so much JUICE!”

J: What does dunking people in the water have to do with staring at a lamb for four days and smearing its blood on a door? The answer may surprise you! Or, well, baffle you, at least.

*Luke 7:18, bwahahahahaha.

J: These are some of Chick’s most stereotypically “Jewy” characters yet. They couldn’t get any Jewier unless spinning dreidels were shooting out of their noses, and even then, it’d be kind of a negligible change.

WOAH that guy next to the first speaker. Can’t… look… away… from… evil… eye!

If the creations of the Ultimate Super-God didn’t recognize him for being the Ultimate Super-God v.2.0, that’s what we in the business call a ‘design flaw’. Either his methods were so obscure that he was unrecognizable, or his creations were too stupid to notice he was flying around and healing the sick, lame, and… Republican.* Either way, the fault lies with Yahweh.

J: Of course. I mean, this entire thing is a lesson in obscure confusion, from the story itself to what people are supposed to do with it. That anyone is expected to guess the right answer about any of this indicates either an insanely cruel and rigid monster of a God, or that his believers and the texts he supposedly “inspired” have fucked something up royally. It gets even worse when even the creatures who DID know him didn’t turn coat and follow him.


*J: You should be. :patriot:

Jesus, you durned fool! You gave vision to the JOKER! We gouged out his eyes to give us a fighting chance, you shithead! Now we’re all gonna smile to death.

You know what? I think Jesus meant that men need to be reincarnated as women before entering heaven, not that weird, interpretive ‘belief = rebirth’ whatever you’ve got goin’ on. Besides, if it’s so simple, why is the silhouette so confused?

J: Wait… what?

J: “Jesus was serious… deadly serious. This summer, it’s Payback Time for Egypt. Rated R.”

“Marvel not that the world hate you (for causing crap like the Inquisition, the Salem witch trials, the Holy Crusades, and Sarah Palin).”

J: Yeah, this is pretty much a “do whatever you want” card, right here. “If anyone hates ANY of the things you do in my name, it’s THEIR fault! They’re just wicked!”

“You are NO longer my son! Brains! BRAAAAINS!!!”

J: Hey, don’t tease! That’s how his face always looks. He had the mumps really, really bad as a kid.

Actually, from the look on her face, they’re just angry because he farted wicked bad.

Hmm… all this really interpretive stuff about Jesus being the bridge to heaven is coming out of John (I’ve only gotten through the Old Testament and Luke in the New Testement, BTW). As for the most hated words ever spoken, I’m going to cast my vote with, “O.J. Simpson was declared innocent this morning…” or maybe, “Hello, my name is Hitler.”

J: Or how about “The War At Home will be renewed for a second season.”

Eeeeew, he was being inspected by those guys? Run, Jesus! Run before the stereotypes inhale you!

J: Can you imagine being stared at for four straight days by them? I’m imagining them talking like the Skeksis.

J: I still don’t get the “inspect a lamb” thing. “Sorry, can’t smear the blood from this one up on the wall. I noticed a few ingrown hairs over here on its leg, aaaand you don’t seem to have its breeding papers in order. I’m afraid your lamb is disqualified.”

That arm with the spear is either really, really big, or Jesus is a tiny, tiny man. Then again, people were shorter in those days, so…

J: Not a good time to be a lamb in Jerusalem, I guess.

J: It’s not so much “offensive” as “ridiculous, confusing, and nearly impossible to believe”. And for the most part, it’s not so much Jesus that people get pissed off about, it’s the bizarre interpretations of the Bible and attempts to shoehorn religion into government policy and the lives of non-believers that tends to steam people’s piss. But whatever, you go right on feeling persecuted if it helps you sleep at night.

J: And speaking of the whole “confusing arbitrary weird shit” thing, how exactly were people supposed to figure out that they didn’t have to sacrifice lambs anymore after what happened? “Oh, a guy got beaten to death really brutally and then crucified, and then a curtain ripped in half, so I guess that means that we can stop staring at lambs for four days and then smearing their blood on our doors.” I mean, is there seriously anyone in the world who can look at that and go “Why, that makes perfect sense! What’s your problem?”

God has a ‘holiest place’? And it’s guarded by Bin Laden and Dick Cheney?? Fail.

(Panel 2) “Yep, that’s prostate cancer, all right. I’ll throw some flaming angels in there, that should take care of it.”

I do NOT have a problem! I can stop making dirty jokes anytime I want to! I just don’t want to yet.

J: “What do I do? *sob* *whimper* It… it just POOPED! It… *sob* It smells horrible. I’m… I’m a terrible parent!”

Just in case you needed more proof that Jealous is a petty schizophrenic, here you go!

Jealous: “OMM, sux 2 B U! LOL, dead baby. More glory for me! Where’s your justice and mercy now, bitches?!”

Dude… you and bodily fluids. Let’s see our lineup of sinners here… we’ve got McGonagall, some guy with tattoos, someone… in a suit… and… a lady…

J: I think that’s supposed to be Gary Busey, and then… a poorly-drawn, disgusted Tony Blair? And then Vanna White circa 1990.

OH, I get it! She’s the one who farted, and that’s why the rest are so pissed off/have lazy eyes.

J: *sigh* Enough with the farts.

J: Wow, lot of people died that day. He usually only has one person or maybe a handful in this panel.

J: The Wrath of the Lamb, sequel to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

J: You know, I kind of prefer my lambs when they’ve been silenced, so why don’t you shut the fuck up?

I don’t want Jealous passing anything over me, but thanks for playing.

Well, another Dissection under the ol’ belt. It’s been a while, and I hope you had fun. If you did, please take the forty seconds necessary to tell a friend or Twitter this or something. I will love you more.

Stay tuned.

71 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | The Little Lamb (Guest Dissection by Adude)”

  1. The more I look at Chick’s waifs, the more unsettled I am by them. Seriously, the kid has Grave’s disease. That’s the only way to explain the eyes. And he’s drawn exactly the same way as in whichever tract it was where Chick was claiming that all gays are pedophiles (okay, there are a lot of those, but you know the one I mean.) Even some of the shots here are reminiscent of that one. Whether that’s intentional or not, it’s pretty damn creepy.

    Also, guest appearance by Patrick Stewart as the Angel of Death.

    And…just…seriously, Chick, it’s never stated to be a literal lake of fire. I mean, we all know that the stereotypical Hell is a lot of fun to draw,* but come on.

    * And anyway, it’s not like Chick’s Hell is ever much more visually interesting than his Heaven; it’s usually just a generic “flames” backdrop and a Jewy Satan.

    Pharaoh in that last appearance is even more obviously ripped from the Yul Brynner version than Moses was from Charlton Heston.

    And criminy, Chick’s unbelievers get uglier with every tract. By the time he finally kicks off, they’re going to look like Dick Tracy villains.

    * Also, Chick has a bigger fetish for unnecessary footnotes than Bruce Tinsley.**
    ** (That hack who draws Mallard Fillmore.***)
    *** (That really awful paleoconservative strip that papers run so that they can run Doonesbury and not get complaints about conservatives needing equal time.)

  2. Hey, a new Chick Dissection! I was wondering when I’d see one of these.

    Great job as usual. Your commentary is the only thing that makes reading these bearable.

  3. Good to see dissections again. and I agree, the part where god tells Moses to ask Pharaoh to let Jews go and then hardens his heart so he doesn’t always struck me as proof that god isn’t just.

    1. God is not just? Oh come on, cut the guy some slack. Maybe he’s trying to his best effort. Maybe Chick is right, when he tell’s us that he just has some terrible, terrible judgement.

  4. I’d say the line up of sinners looks like McGonagall, some washed up former jock, Gilbert Gottfried and Ann Coulter.

  5. So, this god kills cute little lambs because he wants to, and babies to prove a point. What a great guy.

  6. One thing that I realize, that deflates too much else, is that for all said about the foolishness of the Jews’ faith in their God, yet they did finally leave Egypt. It took the deity long enough, too long by most standards, to change things, but in the end it did happen, the Jews did leave.
    No doubt there is a lot left out, and that’s a story in itself.

  7. Ahhh, so the best an all-powerful, completely-vengeful God could came up with to hurt the Egypatians was a plague of frogs and some unlikeable insects? He didn’t start doing the serious shit until the ninth go. Seriously, this shit wouldn’t work nowadays — the councils would just clear up the frogs, the insects would be bug-bombed and we’d get water piped in from other places.

    I mean, sure, I’d be fucking scared out of my mind, what with a load of insects — dead insects — everywhere, but if that’s the best God can do, maybe he’s not all that powerful. Maybe he was just an illusion created by an alien species attemptingto control us or something. Yes, I know that is unlikely too, but it’s at least plausible (and an interesting thing to contemplate).

    Luxxi: Maybe God is just a wanker, you know?

    Looking at the art, this is clear evidence that Chick models his characters on celebrities (in this case, whatshisname from The Ten Commandments). There are other examples of it, but I’m not able to recall which tracts they were . . .

    I read the rant on how God was doing all this for a laugh to be worshipped, and then it hit me. You know, maybe God, if he exists (even if not as a God), actually WAS unloading all this self-contradicting terror on the Hebrews and the Egyptians FOR FUN, to show all the oher heavenly beings/aliens that he was “teh l33t uber haxx0rz”, and how he should be made top dog/chief angel/Emperor of the aliens etc.

    Maybe, Jabberwock, that’s plausible, which would be terrifying since that means they could be monitoring our conversations right now. Unfortunately, this isn’t too far away from the whole far-left Zionist-Alien conspiracy teory. Shut up, David Icke, shut up.

    Either way, it could make good material for the background of a novel — some guy discovers that God was in fact an evil alien who was head of an alien race, trying to prevent humans from evolving technology too far, for whatever reason.

    Seriously, I’m forming ideas as I type this.

  8. I’ve often wondered, what if all these so-called “gods” were in factaliens, or just images/holograms created by aliens? I mean, look at Egyptian mythology: the ‘gods’ came “from the stars”, and sometiems even specific constellations are mentioned. Perhaps the aliens (if this hpothetical scenario is true) told the primitive natives this.


    It also means they wiped out whatever aliens the Egyptians worshipped, and will eventually do the same to the Allah aliens and the Buddha aliens. And what if your an atheist? Perhaps the only reason bad things don’t happen to atheists is because the aliens don’t care about those who don’t worship them? I . . . don’t know.

    I’m building a bomb shelter.

    By the way, that fellow in the second-to-last panel looks like a downy Lee Evans with radiation tumours.

  9. You know, what if God hought he was playing Second Life? Perhaps he got bored before doing this, but I reckon his eleventh plague was to ‘hack’ the ‘sim’ with lots of boxes covered in Goatse images.

    “And it did rain large glass containers for one whole day, which were vested with the obscene image of a man bent over and exposing his insides.

    “And then, God did appear in the form of a dark-skinned African in strange garb with a large, blasphemous, wild head of hair. And he did proclaim to all Egypt: ‘Pool’s closed due to blood!'”

  10. Hello. First time commenter, long time reader. Great tract dissection!!!

    Also, Felis in 9: that was the most awful joke I’ve ever heard – one based on an awful internet in-joke at that >:3

  11. Regarding the whole persecution complex, it’s not entirely false, but it’s not true in the sense they think it is.

    To understand what’s going on look no farther than your typical Nintendo vs Sony vs Microsoft console war debate. You’ve got three sects of rabid extremists in conflict, none of whom have the slightest interest in understanding any of the others’ positions. They’re all too busy being right to pause and take into consideration anything beyond their own correctness. Rational thinking, and those who practice it, are the casualties.

    Practicing Christianity (or Atheism, or any religion for that matter) is essentially the same. Whether you’re rational about it or a complete nutjob is irrelevant, a nutjob from another religion or belief system will spring into action regardless. If you’re a rational adult you will quickly identify the person as the lunatic they are and ignore them. For developing teenagers this is much more difficult, particularly if you grew up in the culture.

    For example, I was raised first in a baptist church, and later in an evangelical free church. In high school I believed that Christians were being persecuted in the US (though never on any level akin to overseas), and my experiences with other people reinforced that belief. After attending See You At The Pole, thus identifying my affiliation, I was accosted on a regular basis. None of these people had any real concern for me, only for showing how right they were and how wrong I was. For the first couple of years these were my primary interactions with non-Christians. I know better now, but at the time my flawed perspective lead me to believe that all people outside the faith were similar, and thus that persecution was a persistent reality.

    The truth of it isn’t persecution, but opinionated and/or insecure people asserting their egos. As long as you believe something, there will be a nutjob who will find you and tell you that you’re wrong and they’re right. The only real difference between any given belief system is that a significant number of Christians are predisposed to believe that this is actually persecution, while almost everyone else recognizes it as self-centered bigots running around making fools of themselves.

  12. “God, what the hell (which hasn’t been mentioned in the Bible yet)?! We’re REAL people! I… I think they’re going to drown my children!!”

    If we should be picky the word “hell” isn’t in the Bible at all. That word comes from pre-Christian Scandinavian mythology, and refers to a very cold place, a place that already has freezes over.

  13. @Lucian: Which, ironically enough, was the exact design of Dante’s Inferno, in spite of supposedly being an oh-so-Christian text.

    (And yes, your link says the author doesn’t think that’s where Dante got the idea of making Hell cold… pish-posh I say.)

    The Bible refers specifically to the lake of fire, and weeping and gnashing of teeth. Apparently if you’re a Viking and do something bad you go to Antartica, but if you’re a Christian and do something bad you go to Saudi Arabia. And you gnash your teeth a lot. What medical condition does that describe? Maybe you get some kind of gnashing leprosy or something?

  14. Some xians, especially Calvinists, have no problem with their god acting like an asshole:

    If the applications are so different, then what right does he have to judge us, other than “might makes right”?

    With God, might makes right is right. So what?

    Yeah, so “depraved” that the idea of billions of people dying for the sake of the “glory” of some “sky-daddy” sickens me. Yeah, I’m “depraved” alright…


    What you’ve described is an amoral being, not a moral one. If you assert, with no proof, that “god” has the “right” to impose his rules on us without himself having to obey any rules himself then he’s not moral, he just does whatever he wants.

    Yes, God doing whatever he wants is moral.

  15. I totally agree with the “Nintendo vs Sony vs Microsoft console war debate.” thing and it also reminds me of the conflict between people criticizing ‘shitty sparkly vampires’ and the twi-hards that think twilight is completely amazing and want to distance themselves from any possible 13-year-old-jonas-brother-loving fellow fans. I’m in the second group and am available for a heated debate anytime! (kidding, I swear, i know no one wants to listen to me… unlike that chick dude)

    On an unrelated note, McGonagall isn’t doing so well, she looks even worse than her brief appearance in ‘First Bite’. Somehow this picture reminds me of a cartoon I saw once of a mad cow, not the most flattering image.

  16. and then the christians say god allows evil so that we “have free will”. yet in exodus god controls the free will of the pharaoh…and to bring destruction…

    and couldn’t god tell which houses were hebrew and which were egyptian without the blood? i mean, he’s supposed to know everything after all.

    and how come the ONLY way to cleanse sin is through blood?
    can’t an omnipotent god simply cleanse everyone he wants without any sacrifice? or are there things he can’t do?

    i love these dissections =P

  17. If you can manage to scan Chick’s HOME ALONE tract (made exclusively for his book “HOT TOPICS”) and give it its well-deserved bash, I will be greatly in debt with you.

    It’s another attempt to portray gays as child predators, this time going as far as to cite age-of-consent laws from other countries as “evidence” for homosexuals trying to “PREY ON CHILDREN!”

  18. “You are no longer my son. ”

    Wow, projecting much? I’m pretty sure religious people are the only ones famous for disowning people.

  19. Hey Chick, wasn’t “Pharaoh” the title for the kings in egypt? Where did you get the idea the Pharaoh’s name was, well, Pharaoh?

    And the ever-present picture of the faceless egomaniacal God of hate in the last picture. It always surprised me he wasn’t sitting on a skull throne.

  20. @ ignored (#15)

    This reminds me of what one of our philosophers said (slavoj Žižek). He said that despite theists’ claims atheism and atheism-based ideologies don’t give free reign to people/followers, they still have to be justified logically (OK, maybe in twisted logic but logic still). However theists and theist-based ideologies don’t have to do that, they can justify everything with “God wills it”. and that gives followers free hand to do whatever they want, from genocide to terrorism, to killings to segregation and discrimination and so on.

  21. Gennaro: What’s the matter, kid? You never had lambchops?

    Grant: Jesus Christ doesn’t want to be fed he wants to HUNT.

    Jesus: *Appears and unleashes T-rex roar, eats kids.*

    Malcolm: Boy do I hate being right all the time!

  22. Also if you look closely, Dick Cheney is wearing Belloq’s robes from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

  23. Comment 17: I know, I know. Christian logic doesn’t just contradict itself on two points, it will contradict itself MULTIPLE TIMES on the same two points — and, that’s not counting the contradictions you get (between the point and the rest of the Bible) when you follow one point through to its logical conclusion, ignoring the other contradicting point.

    Biblical logic isn’t really circular, nor is it a web of contradictions. It’s a huge tangled, knotted web of contradictions — no, lots and lots of these webs — that are are tangled together like a giant irregular ball of spider silk as if the laod of webs were stuck in a tumble dryer and, and … *aneuryism*.

    Luxxi in 21: I find this logic very frustrating, especially when involved in impromptu debates. For example, try explaining to a fundamentalist Muslim that if God was all powerful, he wouldn’t need his followers to do his dirty work.

    Or, try explaining to a Christian that an all-loving God wouldn’t continuously allow — or worse, carry out — the huge natural disasters that have been continuously pounding the Eastern Seaboard of Australia since Christmas: floods, hurricanes and goddamn bushfires.

    I also find it hard to believe that Archbishop Williams, someone else so supposedly intelligent, would have the nerve to stand there in the memorial service at Westminster Abbey and claim that such a God is loving. “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.” is probably the only answer he could give to this issue. Oh, that’s alright then, isn’t it(!)

    Or, worse, if he claimed that humanity’s contribution to global warming deserved such consequences as punishment. Oh sure, flash floods and whatnot will happen as result of global warming, but we don’t deserve it.

    The anglican church also have this funny little idea in their heads that we deserve a recession, and God is letting it happen to teach us to refrain from greed. The hypocrisy of this statement, when you consider the luxury the clergy live in, is enough to anger me.

    Forgive my rant (and its length), but it just seemed appropriate to what you were saying Pah. Liberal or not, we should not listen to clergy on political matters. End of story.

  24. @ Felis. I agree with you. The best line about this was in “End of Days” where satan says something like: “Something good happens, “It’s His will.” Something bad happens, “He moves in mysterious ways.” “

  25. As with all his tracks Jack Chick picks and chooses Scripture as it suits his sorry agenda. In the KJV (The only true Bible according to Chick) Ex 7:13, 23, 9:7 and 10:20 all expressly state that it is GOD not the Pharaoh who hardens Pharaoh’s heart.

    Never mind that there is NO RECORD what so ever of the Plagues ever happening in the required time period. The Ipuwer papyrus account is way too early to be about Moses as it is thought to date to the Second Intermediate or even Middle Kingdom while Ramesses II (generally regarded as the Pharaoh in Exodus) reigned in the middle of the New Kingdom at least 270 years after the second Intermediate period ended and a staggering 369 years after the Middle Kingdom supposedly ended.

    The biggest flaw to Chick’s nonsense is it doesn’t address the issue of what happened to people who didn’t have a chance to hear the message of Jesus in places like deepest Africa, China and Japan, or the Oceanian countries (like Australia) and the Americas? It is hard to take anything he says serious if you bother to think about it.

  26. Panda Rosa: you too!

    Also, I’ve been meaning to ask this for some time — and I hope you don’t mind — but where did you get your nickname from?

    Also, Happy Creme Egg Day, again.

  27. Glad to see a new dissection.

    John 3:16, oft-quoted by fundamentalists, is literally “Unless one is born FROM ABOVE …” in the original Greek. Does that mean only space aliens get saved, and Earth is doomed? Is Jealous just jerking us around, giving us false hope, only to dump us all into the Everlasting Fire just for kicks? Are *we* his Sims game, and his tardy and haphazard interventions a result of his day job as a sysadmin?

    One could also posit that the Bible is crappy oral history interspersed with post-hoc justifications for a deity that shows no evidence of existing. But that’s silly.

  28. Oh joy! A new dissection. I’ve been waiting for one of these. Also, hope everyone had a happy whatever-it-is they celebrate.

  29. In response to Felis’s comment:

    “Either way, it could make good material for the background of a novel — some guy discovers that God was in fact an evil alien who was head of an alien race, trying to prevent humans from evolving technology too far, for whatever reason.”

    I think the Scientologists already did that…. sort of…. Big Scary Alien blows us up – something to do with overpopulation – and all religion is an implant put into our heads when our spirits were forced to watch hypnotic footage on big cinema screens.

  30. Get a load of the contrived “Jewish” dialogue with the man and his son:

    “I should waste a lamb on Moses?”

    Shit. He might as well have ran with it:

    “I should waste a lamb on Moses? Tell me? The last time I wasted a lamb on Moses, the shmuck didn’t even say thank you! Not one thank you! Did he even bring any wine, the putz? No! Is this right….tell me? I need Moses like a hole in the head! And my son says I should waste a lamb on Moses! Oy, oy, oy! Some son I have! Meshuggah!”

  31. One thing often overlooked is that the plague where Ghawd turned all the waters to blood would have killed everybody in Egypt!!! Egypt’s your basic Sahara Desert, except for the Nile—what do you THINK happens when people in a desert climate have no water to drink for days and days?

    And I’ve been following the dissection of the Left Behind books over at (highly recommended, although I don’t agree with a lot of the commenters) and one thing they bring up again and again is how calmly people take the disappearance of all the world’s children. If I’d been an Egyptian who’d lost my firstborn, and all my Egyptian neighbors had lost their firstborns, and I noticed that the Israelites hadn’t…let’s just say there’d be Serious Trouble Ahead for them. I wouldn’t be surprised to see them being lynched en masse, Moses or no Moses, Ghawd or no Ghawd.

  32. “Jealous”? Really? You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I’m going to have to express my preference for the walking Chekhov’s Gun with nothing better to do than mope over celebrities.

  33. Oy, Raven, that might have worked, but it would require Chick to have some sort of clue of Jewish-American Yiddish influenced speech. That would require some concept of ethnic subcultures and dialects. Which would first require a level of interaction with folks outside his small group of pious biblical literalists, at least to the point where he realizes most Americans no longer talk the same way as network TV shows in the 50s and 60s.

    I don’t see that happening anytime in the rest of his life.

  34. Randy, yeah, you’re right. Jack’s only experience with Jewish anything (in his eyes) would be he once saw a bagel.

    I just had a look at the new tract Rocky here mentioned. It’s titled “It’s All About You”. Inside, they have someone who appears to be Muqtada al-Sadr as some “religious leader” to “entrap” people in their belief system. Gee, who knew? I thought he was in Iraq. I guess he must be in the U.S. trying to cheat Jack out of his share of the cranio-rectal impacted gullible. Also, the Dalai Lama is depicted in same. Yeah, whenever you think of the Dalai Lama, Muqtada al-Sadr always comes to mind.

    I think Jack Chick is going about this all wrong. He should put Golden Tickets in certain Chick tracts. Like in Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. Everyone with a Golden Ticket goes to heaven. Makes just as much sense as the shit he says in those tracts.

  35. I wonder if folks who are interested in dissecting a tract with Jack can start some, and share the unfinished tracts with each other behind the scenes, collaboratively?

  36. Page 4: Now, I have no doubt in my mind that Ancient Egypt had an impressive system of arithmetic, but they didn’t quite have the concept of “billion” down quite yet. In fact, the earliest recorded “bymillion” didn’t appear until 1475.

  37. Page 10, Panel 2: Wait did God un-kill the livestock He killed on Page 5? Note that in the the story, the livestock died (and un-died, apparently,) three times. The WGA must’ve been on strike again.

  38. Page 11, Panel 2: Actually, Chick isn’t too far off. Kosher slaughterhouses still carry out four-day inspections today. It is that long because a rabbi must verify that the livestock is free from all illness, scabbing, lesions or other blemishes.

    It works a lot easier if the rabbi’s a furry.

  39. By all of you ridiculing that tract, I am even more convinced that what that tract is saying is true! That which is true always gets ridiculed by the wicked in this world. ♱

  40. Les, you really ought to do a quick net search for Scientology. It’s ridiculed and mocked almost universally, and has far less believers than Christianity. By your logic, you’d find that to be me even more convincing!

    ✡ [insert Magen David here]

  41. @ Les

    Had Chick stuck to purely gospel message (such as “This was your life” tract) I’d agree with you. Then he’d be seen as somebody who tries to bring word of God to people in an interesting way and shouldn’t be mocked for his attempts. However when he started attacking everybody who disagrees with him and when his tracts are full of misinformation, misinterpretation and outright lies then his BS should be exposed and mocked. When he portraits poeple of other faiths in an insulting ways (Jews are only most visible example, see how Catholics look like as well) then this should be mocked as well and exposed as hatred that it is.

  42. Yes, Les, the tract MUST be true! And check out some of the others. One tract claims belief in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny leads kids to become murderers. Yeah, that MUST be true, right?

  43. O.K one funny line in that whole rant “Wow, lot of people died that day. He usually only has one person or maybe a handful in this panel.”

    The rest sucked. I’ll try another one.

  44. Rapax, it’s like in “Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders”.

    “Remember to believe in magic, or I’ll kill you!”

  45. God hates black people. Now don’t go screaming “HOW DARE U!!!!!” “HUMEN BIENGS ORGINATED IN AFICA SO GOD IZ BLAK!!!” or “jesuss wuz blax in that jim carry movie!!!!” in my E-mail inbox. God doesn’t have a race, silly children, but he still discriminates. You see, he was able to slaughter the oppressors of the semite race, but couldn’t do it again in the 20th century, when they were locked in gas chambers and set on fire, for some unknown reason. But in the 19th century, there were another group of oppressed who needed to be free, but did God slaughter all white landowners in the south? No, Lincoln had to save the Africans because they were pagans and pagans don’t deserve to be saved. In conclusion, God hates black people.

  46. -J: Can you imagine being stared at for four straight days by them? I’m imagining them talking like the Skeksis.-

    “But Sire, you can drink His essence!”

    “Because of the prophecy, He must die!”

    “No! First we take His essence, then kill!”

    “Essence! Take His essence!”

    “MmmmmMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmm it’s time to make my move!”

    “The Crystal! The Crystal calls!” *they all run out*

    Jesus: “Um… WTF?!”

  47. “”Is… is that supposed to be an African tribsman in the background of panel 1?””
    Given that this is happening in EGYPT, I’d have to say yes. Because Egypt is in Africa like that.
    He’s probably Nubian. 🙂
    And that’s the standard “end of the world” judgement scene, so yeah, a lot of people are dead. XD

  48. wait a second…..

    God kills all sorts of people because pharaoh wouldn’t let his people go…

    God makes pharaoh tell moses that he won’t let his people go, which gives him the go-ahead to kill the 1st born…

    He has his people paint their doors in BLOOD…

    He has them do the same thing for years to come, killing innocent lambs and painting the doors in blood…

    By the emperor… it all makes sense now!!!


    And that means…

    The fundies… ARE WORLDEATTERS!


  49. Okay;I can’t vouch for the Witch and The Guido;but the guy in the Pinstripe Suit looks like”2&1/2Men”Star Jon Cryer playing a Made Man in The Mafia!!!

    The Blonde:Kinda like Drew Barrymore playing like she’s Ann Coulter*(*AKA:The Whore of Babble On!!)!!

    “Jehovah’s Witnesses-Scientology For Black Celebrities!!”.


    Switch that around and make the parents Good Jesus Loving Angels and make the son an Evil Homosexual Devil and see if Mr. Chick thinks it’s a bad thing. What a despicable human being.

  51. That’s kind of why I like “The Prince of Egypt” interpretation of this whole thing. In it, Moses *does* hate bringing the wrath of God down on Egypt and keeps wishing that the Pharaoh would get over it and let the Jews go. At the same time, the Pharaoh wasn’t being forced to be evil, he was angry that his brother apparently opted to side with the Jews against him.

    Doesn’t make much more sense, but it makes some of the people a little nicer.

  52. ZeldaQueen, Rameses was not only mad that Moses sided with the Jews against him in TPoE, but he was terrified of being the “weak link” that Seti accused him of being early on in the movie, which is why he consistently refused to free the Israelites, since their labor had made Egypt glorious. The irony is that in his quest to be the immovable, unshakable pharaoh, he ended up destroying the kingdom with his stubborness. (Well-played, movie, well-played.)

  53. Oh Man,This Is Just Hilarious!!
    Kinda Like If Mike Nelson;Crow and Tom Servo
    from MST3K and Adam Savage and Jamie Heinaman of Mythbusters Smoked Some Primo Columbian and Dissected
    a Chick Tract!!

    “It’s Dejavu All Over Again!!”-Yogi Berra.
    “When The Legend Becomes Truth,Print The Legend.”-John Ford.

  54. @ Luna – Ah yes, that too!

    And I must say, that movie did an excellent job scaring the daylights out of my ten-year-old self. Especially the plagues and the Angel of Death. Yeep! 0_0

  55. Jabber, about the white chalk X’s, Jack goes even more into that in a tract called Cleo. Basically this family loses their dog, and when they find it, she’s in a shelter, seconds from being euthanized. The guy says “You have 10 minutes before I kill her”, so the family shows him their receipt and takes the dog home.

    In the car, dad explains how the guy was a hero for giving them 10 minutes before slaughtering a beloved family pet (me; I’d, you know, NOT KILL IT if there was someone who wanted it, but what do I know?), and how Jesus is a hero for giving a couple years to decide before MERCILESSLY TORTURING US FOR ETERNITY FOR A STUPID GRUDGE THAT HE JUST WON’T LET GO. Yeah, who doesn’t want to spend a lifetime with HIM? I have trouble understanding how anyone believes this shit, and how anyone who believe this shit sides with God. This guy tosses people, including you, loved ones, and various philanthropists into a lake of fire if you don’t hold a stupid thought in your head that is so ridiculous it’s nearly impossible to logically believe.

    So, kids, be thankful that God doesn’t just toss you right in hell! Isn’t he the most merciful and wonderful person you’ve ever heard of? Don’t you just want to be with him FOREVER?

  56. ” Nothing anyone could possibly do within a human lifetime warrants that. It’s forever, for fuck’s sake.”

    I disagree. I think rapists, child molesters, and Hitler all warrant it.

    1. No… they deserve to be punished, sure (ideally rehabilitated, but that’s another discussion), but forever is INFINITELY GREATER A TORTURE than anything they did in this lifetime.

      Not to mention the fact that none of the things humans do happen in a vacuum. Not to excuse anyone’s heinous behavior or anything, but if some kid gets abused physically and sexually and then grows up and ends up doing the same thing to someone else, it seems especially cruel to turn around and go “YOU! YOU SICK FUCK! YOU’RE GETTING TORTURED FOREVER NOW FOR THAT!” It’s not that they can’t help it, but human brains are pretty bad at actually pulling off that whole “logic” thing, especially under severe trauma. The fact that any of us manage some semblance of order using these patterns of electrical charges inhabiting a ball of meat is pretty astonishing.

      Infinite punishment is the kind of thing that should be reserved not for lowly mortals with our tiny lifespans but for beings that could do horrible things to people for eternities. In other words, the only entity that could ever deserve to be punished forever would be God, for punishing people forever. That’s the only crime that fits the punishment.

  57. Oh, and “Their gods could do nothing….” implying there were other gods that existed. Actually kinda makes sense if you agree with the hypothesis that YAHWEH was originally the Israelite war god, one among a pantheon.

    1. Actually, in the Pentateuch they haven’t really got the idea of the Judeo-Christian God nailed down very well yet, and so in those books (and only those books) you can see other gods exist and can grant people power, that God is not omnipotent and is fearful of man (Garden of Eden story includes Him not wanting man to eat of the tree of life since he’ll become like God, Tower of Babel story He fears man will be able to accomplish anything if he can build a big tower), that God refers to Himself in the plural rather than the singular, etc.

      In those books He seems more like the Greek gods, fallible and basically just a super-mortal.

  58. You forgot to mention the biggest logic fail in this Chick Tract: the fact that JT Chick thinks that the Gospel offending people means that it is true. If a message that offends people is true because it offends people, then Hitler’s message of extermination of the Jews should be true, since it offends people. By that logic, homosexuality being natural would also be true because it offends Fundies.

  59. I see Jack’s using one of the lamer translations rather than the one they used in Prince of Egypt, where God at least has the decency to go for the ‘I’m going to do completely impossible things because I’m God, bitches!’ angle and smite the crops with a rain of burning ice.


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