“The Passover lamb saved the lives of the firstborn Jews in Egypt. Now Jesus is the Lamb who can save you!”
Ah, Exodus. One of the most famous books in the Old Testament, and my favorite for all the wrong reasons. This… this will be fun.
J: It’s my favorite for even wronger reasons. *breaks out the Kleenex and Vaseline* Let’s do this!
J: (Again, my stuff will be denoted as you see here, with the J:, and anything unmarked belongs to the guest Dissector. This one wasn’t a tag-team-style one like the last few — I just added my two cents afterward.)
J: Poor Little Lamb indeed. All it can do is walk around and around in a three-foot circle. If that was my life, I’d long for death.
Hey, I think this was in Jurassic Park! Too bad what’s coming is a lot worse than a T-Rex. Yo, Lambchop! Look happy, would ya? You’re going to be sacrificed for our misdeeds; you should be frolicking! Now FROLICK! Frooooliiiick…
J: Oh, this is a lot worse than a T-Rex, all right. It’s a Chick Tract.
J: “Yeah, well, Moses says a lot of things…
J: I’d hate to be around for one of this guy’s sneezes. Sheesh.
Wow. Kid, if you even have a chance of looking like your old man, just let yourself die. BTW, if you look like a goblin or… that… moose-thing talking to the slave on the right, have the courtesy not to reproduce. It’s just the right thing to do.
J: “…and a tasty way to do it.” Wait, what? Get out of here, Wilford Brimley! Who left all this oatmeal and insulin sitting out? Don’t you know it attracts them?
Ah, Chick? You might not want to get into who does and does not show mercy, pal, seeing as Yahweh has a thing about slaughtering everything from livestock to pregnant women*. Often**. For stupid reasons***.
J: Yeah, it’s hard to argue from the perspective of mercy when your deity burns people for an eternity. Nothing anyone could possibly do within a human lifetime warrants that. It’s forever, for fuck’s sake.
***Judges (especially the end — unholy crap.)
J: So the Egyptians flogged and enslaved their dirt as well?
So, citing the Bible to back itself up, huh? Well, I see your circular argument and raise you a logical question: why the FUCK would it take an all-powerful, all -ahem- ‘loving’ god 400 years to respond to this? Yahweh’s reasoning for letting them go in the first place is so they can be his people and he can be their god*, so what’s he doing in the meantime?
Yahweh: “Yeah, yeah, later. I’m playing the Sims. Hahaha, he peed himself!”
Slaves: “God, what the hell (which hasn’t been mentioned in the Bible yet)?! We’re REAL people! I… I think they’re going to drown my children!!”
Yahweh: “But I just bought the Wars and Plagues expansion paaaack™! Gimme a few more hundred years, then I’ll get back to you. You know, maybe.”
J: I think it’s just that Yahweh takes really long shits.
Aww, Chick, you missed my favoritest part of the Bible, you jerk! But don’t worry, I’ll tell you aaaall about it later.
J: Trust me, he won’t listen. Inconvenient parts of the Bible don’t seem to exist for most Christians.
It’s the god signal! Run, Moses! Ruuuuunnn!
J: “Yeah, God? Okay, I get what you’re saying, and I appreciate the attention and all, but do you think you could maybe, uh, tone it down with the spotlight a little? It’s already the middle of the fuckin’ desert out here, I don’t need the added heat. Plus, I’m pretty sure you can see me just fine without it, being omniscient and all that. Thanks a bundle!”
J: “They suffered for generations under cruel and merciless leaders. They watched as their children were enslaved, tortured and worked to death. But all bad things must come to an end! This summer, it’s Payback Time for Egypt! Rated R.”
*Pretty much all of Exodus.
Are they quoting themselves? That’s… awesome, actually. “…Verily, I say unto you, that adding ‘bitches’ to the end of all sentences will increase its coolness one hundred fold…bitches.”*
J: I like to think they’re both just being really ironic about the whole thing.
Pharaoh’s ‘nasty’ answer? You’re talking about a guy who, according to your holy book, made people build huge triangular rocks (for Satan of course), and then drowned their babies. The worst you could come up with was nasty? It just looks like a question! Who is this LORD, and why is his name in CAPITAL LETTERS?! Hang on, I have to eat my lower lip — GNAARR gnarr arraom nom nom nom nom!
J: Ask a question that implies that you don’t know who a guy is? Sorry, now you have to lose everything you’ve ever had in a torrent of misery inflicted almost indiscriminately on everyone around you! BZZZT, thanks for playing, you lose!
…Um… pounded with plagues, eh? …Hmm. So god… pounded Egypt silly with plagues… Nope, sorry. Nothing funny there. I tried.
J: “Foolish Pharaoh thought he could take on God. But now, God’s gonna take on him! This summer, it’s Payback Time for Egypt! Rated R.”
*Me, the Unfathomably Hot.
Why is she saying ‘it’s Moses’ so calmly? She looks like she should at least be shouting, unless her face is permanently screwed up into a shriek like that.
J: They’ve just gotten used to it at this point. Look at her half-closed eyes — I think she looks more depressed than horrified, really. Bored, almost. Picture a long, drawn-out sigh before her dialog.
It’s hilarious how even Pharaoh, the badguy, is all, “Frogs? Wtf??” More than anything else, this is proof that Yahweh has no sense of humor. Yes, the Egyptians had a frog-headed goddess, but they also had one with a dog’s, a cat’s, a crocodile’s, and a camel’s. How fun would it be to rain camels on your foes? Listening to them bellow on their way down, then SPLAT onto unfortunate Egyptians. I’m not saying it’s cool to slaughter these people, but there’s at least a few more fun ways to go about it.
J: When God gives you frogs, make frogade.
“Look, flies! Billions of them!” If I were him, I’d be a lot less concerned with their number and a lot more wetting my pants because they’re fucking huge! They should be saying, “Shit, it’s Starship Troopers!” “I hate that movie!”* Twitch, twitch, twitch.
J: Plague number four: AN ARMY OF MAN-SIZED, SENTIENT HOUSEFLIES that were ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS
*I actually liked that movie, but I think I’m the only one.
J: Nah, from what I understand, it’s pretty popular in kind of a cult/ironic way.
Yahweh: “You thought giant flies were bad? Now I send upon you… giant locusts! Yeah! What ya got now!? Huh? Huh?? Yeah! Locusts! They’re gonna… well, they’re herbivores, but… they’ll eat all your clothes and shit! Then you’ll have to yell at Pharaoh while naked, like I created you! That’ll teach you, you bunch of heathens.”
J: “Where’s your God n– oh. Never mind.”
Locusts are actually a good source of protein (which I know for sure, because I use the internet), so no one apparently went hungry after this one, which is nice. Nice guy, Jealous.
Oh yeah. Yahweh’s name is actually Jealous. Seriously*. Hey, at least he admits it…
J: Plague eight: WAIST-HIGH LOCUST that were ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS!
J: Pharaoh wasn’t a very good leader if he couldn’t figure out how to turn an infestation of giant bugs and raining frogs around into a bunch of really delicious (though admittedly monotonous) meals. Guy deserved everything he got.
*Exodus 34:14, KJV. PWNED!1!!
At first I figured Moses was trying to intimidate Pharaoh, but now I see that he’s trying to look up Pharaoh’s nose for whatever’s making him snort so hard. Also, the snake on his crown is sticking its tongue at him mockingly. Nya.
J: “Yes, yes, first born, dead, that’s all good and well, but… tell me, Moses… do I need to break out the neti pot, or does it look like it’s going to clear up on its own up there?”
Ok, ok, ok, here’s the reason Exodus is my favorite book — it’s because Jealous is the one making Pharaoh so stubborn!* I thought the Christian god was a dick-monkey before reading the Old Testament, but then I get to Exodus, one of their proudest moments, and… watch their god play puppet-master?!
So this whole time, Yahweh/Jealous/Asshole Almighty is literally smiting the Egyptians while giving them no chance to repent or recover, and Moses, being in on the joke, must find it hilarious! And it all escalates to this point, where Moses says his god is going to kill their children, and Moses couldn’t care less!
Pharaoh: “Moses, please, stop this! We’re dying, we can’t take another hit!”
Moses: “Heehee, only if you let my people go.”
Pharaoh: “I’m… trying… I… can’t… say it! Oh gods, my heart hurts…!”
Moses: “So, is that a ‘no’?”
Pharaoh: “But… No, I… I… That’s not fair…!”
Moses: “Too bad, more plagues for you then. Hope you weren’t too attached to your son, bitch.”
Yahweh: “…Me DAMN it, I’m a genius! We have to write this part down, it’s pure gold! But be sure to give me credit, ok? I’M the one making all this suffering happen. Yeah. Write that down. WORSHIP ME!”
This is all cute in mythology, but IRL, if some dude with weird hair and a staff made frogs fall from the sky, you’d at least be thinking about what he has to say before he needs to whip out the big guns, right? What gets me the most is that Moses supposedly grew up with these people! Didn’t his foster mother cry to him? Wouldn’t his childhood friends beg for their lives? He believed he was Egyptian for yeeeaaars, and out of nowhere a talking plant tells him to torture and slaughter his too-recent kinsmen because The Omnipotent Dick wants to — get this — “gain glory from this,” and Moses is FINE WITH IT?!
No. Just… no. No. Only if Moses had less emotional capacity than the fucking Terminator.
Except, oh,** wait,*** he didn’t.****
J: (Further supporting evidence for my assertion that if the Bible is actually real, then the God depicted therein is actually Satan, Lucifer/The Tree of Knowledge is the protagonist, some philosopher named Jesus was co-opted as the “Son of God” in order to keep his message of “just be fucking nice to each other” from spreading around and undermining God’s dictatorship, and that the Bible itself is just a trick to get gullible people to buy into worshiping Satan. Sorry to interrupt…)
It isn’t enough that the Bible has been debunked time and time again by DNA, fossil evidence, the earth rotating the sun, and other such Satan-inspired fallacies, but even in its own context it’s untrue to life, contradictory, and… frankly, horrific beyond… beyond………… (dies).
(Resurrects.) Ok. There comes a point where a struggle isn’t about the victory, but the principles involved. I don’t belive in the Christian god because the idea of him is terrifying and–and, this is an athiest speaking–wrong. The people who would say that manipulating humans like this is not only fair but righteous, for any reason, would be few and far between (and have no friends), but because it’s GOD doing this, and HE says it’s FINE, then it is and we can’t question it because he’s the LOOOOOORD and has the biggest guns.
In conclusion, he’s right because he says so. Now bend over.
~~End of rant. Discuss.~~
Where does this guy live? Next to… de-NILE! Oh, snap!
See? The obligitory skeptical character up there still doesn’t believe Moses is under orders from Jealous. Really, camels would have been more convincing all around.
J: I could hit you for that, but my arm’s too big to fit through any of the internet’s many tubes.
Hey, it’s Fang vs. Scorpion! Little does Scorpion realize that Fang is immune to venom! Plus that dog is, like, a billion years old, so he’s… a vampire dog. Immune to sunlight. Awesome.
J: He just sparkles, like those shitty vampires in that shitty book by that shitty author that’s gotten way too popular thanks to a bunch of shitty teens with shitty taste. (*sigh, pant, sob*)
“Papa, please… Think! We must follow the puppet master, it’s the only logical and right thing to do!”
Whoops, wait, no… no, it isn’t.
J: Killing children the Yahweh Way.
J: He’d better get that tumor looked at. Oh, wait, that’s his nose. Well, he should still get it looked at. In fact, I don’t think he can avoid having it looked at — I’m pretty sure it’s visible from space.
“First born? HA! You wish, Shirtless Stan! Do you have any idea what the infant mortality rate is nowadays? The Dark Ages look like freakin’ Atlantis from here!”
J: I’m with the kid, here. Slap on the blood, then have yourself a lamb roast. No reason to waste the rest of the thing.
It’s interesting here that the unbeliever is a Jew, who was protected during all these plagues as they smote his Egyptian slave-drivers until they cried and begged for mercy. Maybe this character is closer to the real Jews back in the day, who were more like servants anyway, and had actual patriotism and pride for Egypt.*
Actually, since I’m so angry, I’ll say that Unbelieving Jew there has ulterior motives for keeping the lamb. “You’ll understand when you’re older, child #483.”
J: “No, son, don’t you understand? Our lamb is the first born male child! I’ve… I’ve done some terrible things…”
*See the internet. I’m too lazy to look it up.
Holy crap! Wait, I thought Chick was against gay marriage?! …Or… is that supposed to be…
DAMN, kid. If your dad looks like that, and your mother looks like… guhh… then being slain by a loving angel might be your best option. Seriously, just die.
I guess I was right about his father’s true intentions… she does make a lamb look awfully pretty.
J: Hey, since this Tract is already so littered with Jewish stereotypes, why not let’s really Jewify the dialog here! “No, honey, don’t you worry about our son. I’ll just sit here and watch him die. There’s no reason for you to go out of your way to save my baby boy’s life with a simple task or anything. I’ll be okay. You just go and do your own thing, Mr. Unbeliever. You don’t have to listen to your wife or anything.”
“Thanks, Papa! Now Jealous’ bloodlust will be sated for a whole night!”
J: “No Blood for Oil! (I named my son Oil for some reason.)”
Do they really have to kill it? Maybe they should set up a lamb’s blood donation clinic in case of heavenly wrath and make a fortune so they can be persecuted later for it over and over. Wait… actually… um.
Yup. Let’s get the hell out of Egypt. Yup. Good idea, Moses.
NO, it was because JEALOUS made him UNABLE to let them GO in the FIRST PLACE!!! RARGUGHSARGHFLARMAGADRRLLL (foams at the mouth and twitches for a while).
J: God’s just a stand-up guy, really.
J: You know, it’s hard to argue that God “saved” anyone from anything, here, when he was the one doing the killing in the first place. It’s like if I figured out where every kid in the city lived, and I sent out a letter to their parents saying “put a chalk mark on the door or else I’m going to kill your kids”, and I went around killing all the kids whose parents didn’t put up chalk marks, and when I was done, I went to the mayor’s office and demanded a ticker-tape parade for “passing over” the houses of people with chalk on their doors. I mean, shouldn’t I at least be arrested or something?
J: Also, sure is a good thing it didn’t rain that night, huh?
Is… is that supposed to be an African tribsman in the background of panel 1?
Heh, I think the Egyptians would have recorded a massive angel killing their kids and poking their houses. See also, ‘Chick’ (if that IS the real artist) fails at drawing angels.
WHY? The death-angel thing only happened once! Plus, you could make sin and friendship offerings anytime you needed to,* so… what the hell?
J: Inspecting it for four days? People got kind of lamb-obsessed after what happened, huh? *stares at a lamb for four days* “HOW does this thing WORK!? Welp, better kill it in case God decides to be a total shitlord again.”
*Exodu… You know what? Just trust me.
J: So… why a lamb, specifically? Why not, like, a rat or a canary or an elephant or a camel? I mean, there are millions of other animals to pick from.
All sin has a price, for some reason, and that price is blood. Look at that fuzzy wuzzy… um, thing! Isn’t your first thought to slaughter it and appease the angry invisible god hovering over your shoulder and judging your every move? What? ‘No’? What is wrong with you?!
J: I kind of picture it going, like, “a-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!” with that thing in its mouth. Or, like, saying something really 1940s and smug and maybe womanizing.
Jeez, John the Baptist looks like he’s freakin’ out. Maybe that’s because it isn’t water he’s bathing in, or because his armpit is talking. (Actually, J the B had his doubts about Jesus being the son of god*.)
John the Baptist: “Fine! You’re a lamb! Whatever! Just STOP drinking so much JUICE!”
J: What does dunking people in the water have to do with staring at a lamb for four days and smearing its blood on a door? The answer may surprise you! Or, well, baffle you, at least.
*Luke 7:18, bwahahahahaha.
J: These are some of Chick’s most stereotypically “Jewy” characters yet. They couldn’t get any Jewier unless spinning dreidels were shooting out of their noses, and even then, it’d be kind of a negligible change.
WOAH that guy next to the first speaker. Can’t… look… away… from… evil… eye!
If the creations of the Ultimate Super-God didn’t recognize him for being the Ultimate Super-God v.2.0, that’s what we in the business call a ‘design flaw’. Either his methods were so obscure that he was unrecognizable, or his creations were too stupid to notice he was flying around and healing the sick, lame, and… Republican.* Either way, the fault lies with Yahweh.
J: Of course. I mean, this entire thing is a lesson in obscure confusion, from the story itself to what people are supposed to do with it. That anyone is expected to guess the right answer about any of this indicates either an insanely cruel and rigid monster of a God, or that his believers and the texts he supposedly “inspired” have fucked something up royally. It gets even worse when even the creatures who DID know him didn’t turn coat and follow him.
*J: You should be. :patriot:
Jesus, you durned fool! You gave vision to the JOKER! We gouged out his eyes to give us a fighting chance, you shithead! Now we’re all gonna smile to death.
You know what? I think Jesus meant that men need to be reincarnated as women before entering heaven, not that weird, interpretive ‘belief = rebirth’ whatever you’ve got goin’ on. Besides, if it’s so simple, why is the silhouette so confused?
J: Wait… what?
J: “Jesus was serious… deadly serious. This summer, it’s Payback Time for Egypt. Rated R.”
“Marvel not that the world hate you (for causing crap like the Inquisition, the Salem witch trials, the Holy Crusades, and Sarah Palin).”
J: Yeah, this is pretty much a “do whatever you want” card, right here. “If anyone hates ANY of the things you do in my name, it’s THEIR fault! They’re just wicked!”
“You are NO longer my son! Brains! BRAAAAINS!!!”
J: Hey, don’t tease! That’s how his face always looks. He had the mumps really, really bad as a kid.
Actually, from the look on her face, they’re just angry because he farted wicked bad.
Hmm… all this really interpretive stuff about Jesus being the bridge to heaven is coming out of John (I’ve only gotten through the Old Testament and Luke in the New Testement, BTW). As for the most hated words ever spoken, I’m going to cast my vote with, “O.J. Simpson was declared innocent this morning…” or maybe, “Hello, my name is Hitler.”
J: Or how about “The War At Home will be renewed for a second season.”
Eeeeew, he was being inspected by those guys? Run, Jesus! Run before the stereotypes inhale you!
J: Can you imagine being stared at for four straight days by them? I’m imagining them talking like the Skeksis.
J: I still don’t get the “inspect a lamb” thing. “Sorry, can’t smear the blood from this one up on the wall. I noticed a few ingrown hairs over here on its leg, aaaand you don’t seem to have its breeding papers in order. I’m afraid your lamb is disqualified.”
That arm with the spear is either really, really big, or Jesus is a tiny, tiny man. Then again, people were shorter in those days, so…
J: Not a good time to be a lamb in Jerusalem, I guess.
J: It’s not so much “offensive” as “ridiculous, confusing, and nearly impossible to believe”. And for the most part, it’s not so much Jesus that people get pissed off about, it’s the bizarre interpretations of the Bible and attempts to shoehorn religion into government policy and the lives of non-believers that tends to steam people’s piss. But whatever, you go right on feeling persecuted if it helps you sleep at night.
J: And speaking of the whole “confusing arbitrary weird shit” thing, how exactly were people supposed to figure out that they didn’t have to sacrifice lambs anymore after what happened? “Oh, a guy got beaten to death really brutally and then crucified, and then a curtain ripped in half, so I guess that means that we can stop staring at lambs for four days and then smearing their blood on our doors.” I mean, is there seriously anyone in the world who can look at that and go “Why, that makes perfect sense! What’s your problem?”
God has a ‘holiest place’? And it’s guarded by Bin Laden and Dick Cheney?? Fail.
(Panel 2) “Yep, that’s prostate cancer, all right. I’ll throw some flaming angels in there, that should take care of it.”
I do NOT have a problem! I can stop making dirty jokes anytime I want to! I just don’t want to yet.
J: “What do I do? *sob* *whimper* It… it just POOPED! It… *sob* It smells horrible. I’m… I’m a terrible parent!”
Just in case you needed more proof that Jealous is a petty schizophrenic, here you go!
Jealous: “OMM, sux 2 B U! LOL, dead baby. More glory for me! Where’s your justice and mercy now, bitches?!”
Dude… you and bodily fluids. Let’s see our lineup of sinners here… we’ve got McGonagall, some guy with tattoos, someone… in a suit… and… a lady…
J: I think that’s supposed to be Gary Busey, and then… a poorly-drawn, disgusted Tony Blair? And then Vanna White circa 1990.
OH, I get it! She’s the one who farted, and that’s why the rest are so pissed off/have lazy eyes.
J: *sigh* Enough with the farts.
J: Wow, lot of people died that day. He usually only has one person or maybe a handful in this panel.
J: The Wrath of the Lamb, sequel to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
J: You know, I kind of prefer my lambs when they’ve been silenced, so why don’t you shut the fuck up?
I don’t want Jealous passing anything over me, but thanks for playing.
Well, another Dissection under the ol’ belt. It’s been a while, and I hope you had fun. If you did, please take the forty seconds necessary to tell a friend or Twitter this or something. I will love you more.