Chick Dissection | Moving On Up

Well we’re movin on up,
To the shoreside.
To a deluxe apartment on the sand.
Movin on up,
To the shoreside.
We’re finally gonna walk on the land.

Another one about evolution, this time really stretching every far-fetched, contrived argument well beyond any point of credibility. If I ever discover there was a single person in the world who was convinced by any of the ludicrous arguments put forth in this Tract, I… well… I’m not sure what I’ll do. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life crying.

He’s really outdone himself this time. This one… it’s… it’s just the worst.

The art isn’t terrible, but the message certainly is. This is going to be a ranty/lengthy Dissection, but hey — I haven’t done one in a while.


“Now THAT was a FART!”

How exciting! Goo!

Oh, come on, Jack. You can’t just take the exact catch-all expression Christians use and substitute “science” in place of “God” as though the two were similar in any way. Wherever did you get the impression that science was an omniscient entity that was beyond the mental grasp of humans, and that it somehow “knows” things that people don’t?

See, God can “know” things that people can’t, so it’s easy for you to fill in all the blanks with the excuse “only God knows” or “God works in mysterious ways”. We, however, do not have that luxury. We can’t attribute all the unknowables to some all-knowing mythological entity that’s keeping tabs on everything we don’t know.

Here’s the thing, and I’ll try to write slowly, here, for any fundamentalists reading: Science… is a set of methods (ways of doing things)… for gathering and comparing information (data, gathered from the world around us)… in order to draw conclusions about that information. If the information isn’t there to gather, then any conclusions drawn are simply not science. (Which is why Intelligent Design isn’t science — because it draws conclusions without observable (seeable, measurable, detectable) information.)

And since when is “science” a “they”, anyway?

Perhaps a better question this kid could be asking his mother would be “Hey, mom, what’s with this mutant overgrown hand of mine?”

It’s hard to see with all the shitty artwork, but the magazine she’s reading is called “TRUTH”. Hardy har. See, it’s only truth when Christians use the word to arbitrarily label a piece of information “factual”. Either Jack has an inability to grasp irony, or he’s a fucking MASTER at it.

It’s less “goo” and more “a mixture of chemicals that even today compose our fundamental components”. We’re still not entirely sure on the precise fucking origins of humanity, life on Earth, or the Earth itself, let alone the universe. There’s a difference between scientific theories and scientific principles or laws. There is no “law of primordial soup”, nor is there a “big bang law”.

Scientists don’t “know” how these things happened, and they don’t claim to if they’re worth a shit. They theorize, and they test, and if they can prove, then they theorize and test again and compare it, and others do the same, and if the results are reproducible enough that there’s a demonstrable statistical significance, then we can get a tiny bit more confident that this is the way things work, or that this was possibly the way things happened.

Anyway, this is another clear example that Jack has no clue about any other perspective but his own. Perhaps if he took a more scientific approach to the way other people think — actually observing them in order to develop a greater understanding — then he wouldn’t sound like he was so absolutely packed to overflowing with parched coils of sun-baked bullshit.

Anyway, moving on. Up.

This is without a doubt the least scientific way of thinking, ever. Every day, scientists are questioning and challenging existing ideas, theories, laws, et cetera. If scientists were unquestioning followers, then science wouldn’t have progressed at all for millennia. It would be… well… it would be religion. The idea that we all must blindly follow “science” the same way fundies blindly follow God is a few auto-flagellations past abject fuckin’ lunacy.

So, uh, arguing against blind faith, then, huh Jack? *munch munch chomp glomp* MMM, THIS IRONY SURE IS FUCKIN’ DELICIOUS, HUH?

Finding it a little difficult to see how Jack can dismiss evolution while including characters who have undergone such extensive and horrific genetic deformities that we’re basically dealing with a race of rat-people here.

Yep, kid, bunch of humans wading around in a huge pool of goo for no reason. They see the land over there, but they’re all “nah, fuck it, I’m fine here up to my neck in slime. Might be easier to sort of slosh over there where it’s more solid and I could actually stand up, but… you know… fuck it.”

They really need to empty their ashtray.

Tiny dots. Because that’s all that single-celled organisms are. They don’t exist! They’re just a bunch of tiny dots that scientists made up so they could sound like they knew what they were talking about. What a compelling fuckin’ argument, Jack. You obviously have a clear understanding of what you’re talking about. Where do I sign up?

Of course this all sounds ridiculous when it’s explained by a total fuckhead.

Polywogs! With faces! That could experience glee! Yes, that’s right, single-celled organisms mutated and became giant fucking sperm with smiling faces.

Evolution is not intentional (for the fundies: meaning ‘actually meant to do it’ as opposed to ‘it happened on its own’). Species don’t just will themselves to develop genetic deviations. It’s not like fish thought “oh, hey, gee, it’d sure be nice to be able to go around onto that big dry spot where we haven’t really gone, wouldn’t it?” and all collectively willed themselves over the course of thousands or millions of generations to be suited for such an environment.

Fun fact: Fish’s mouths were perfectly suitable for fish blowjobs before they grew legs and became walking, smiling fish.

APES! APES, you fucking asshole, APES!

Yeah, this is exactly how it happened. Might as well have gone with the Mr. Garrison interpretation about a fish fucking a squirrel and making fish-squirrels and etc.

Hey, guys, here’s what Christianity is: Every Sunday, Christians get together and spit into cheesecloths for an hour. They sing to get their phlegm going. When they’re finished, they go down into the basement of the church in order to bury the cheesecloths. This is called the Holy Sacrament! During the Feast of All Saints, they dig up the cheesecloths and lay them out on the altar to feed the saints. Jesus was a man with a magical beard. He’d use it to tickle the sick, and their laughter would make them better. (This is the origin of the phrase “laughter is the best medicine.”) The pope keeps Jesus’s beard under his tall hat, and that’s what gives him control of the church. (Now print this out a thousand times and give this to all your friends so that they can know the TRUTH about Christianity!)

The seemingly-sarcastic emphasis on “only” here seems really funny coming from a guy who thinks the universe is 6,000 years old. I think part of the problem fundies have with evolution is that their minds simply can’t grasp the concept of a universe millions or billions of years old.

It’s way too big a number, and I think many of them have this fear that if they stop and realize that the Bible was written back when the primary counting system for most people was “fingers” and (for the advanced mathematicians) “toes”, and the idea of “millions” was completely unfathomable a concept since “thousands” seemed itself practically infinite, or if they even approach questioning their Holy Doctrine at all, they’ll go to hell. Because, you know, God has this immense hatred of people thinking about math. Or anything, for that matter. Can’t even imagine something or he’ll have demons knife-rape your genitals for the rest of time.

Wait… why do they worship that sadistic bag of shit again? If you lived with someone who’d beat the piss out of you for the rest of time if you so much as questioned the age of the universe, wouldn’t you consider that… oh, I don’t know… an abusive relationship? Do all these people have Stockholm Syndrome or something? Seriously, how… how… how do they rationalize this? How? HOW!? And how does anyone find this “comforting”? That’s always the excuse, isn’t it? “Oh, it brings them comfort. Let them have their comfort.” NO. Their “comfort” involves the idea of some immense pervert sitting on a cloud, forever searing people’s flesh off for masturbating or thinking about masturbating. Or for just existing without thinking the magical “I accept Jesus” phrase before their blood stops circulating. This is DANGEROUS thinking, and it has NO PLACE AT ALL in sane civilization. FUCK.

*pant, sigh, sob, pant, fall into profound depression*

Ooh, hey, look, we got our blowjob mouths back! Lot of happy frogs, I tell you what. Both guys and girls — frogs’ tongues are really something, too.

This is how we became rich, white, pudgy, golf-playing, yuppie fucksters!

Okay, here’s my explanation of the Theory of Evolution to fundamentalists. Regular readers may have heard this before, but I think it bears repeating (with a little elaboration and detailed explanation for fundies reading):

There’s an island in Micronesia called Pingelap. Years ago, there was a man there who had a rare form of what’s called “achromatopsia”. What that means is, unlike colorblindness, people with achromatopsia are incapable of perceiving a particular color. Anyway, a typhoon wiped out a large portion of the island’s inhabitants, and this man was one of a handful of survivors. This man went on to replenish the island’s population, resulting in an abnormally high percentage of the island’s current inhabitants being afflicted with this normally rare disease.

In other words, an extremely rare trait became relatively common as the result of a population bottleneck a number of generations ago.

The Aceves family in Mexico has another rare disorder — hypertrichosis. What this means is that they grow excessive hair on parts of the body the rest of us do not, including their eyelids. In extreme cases, dense hair covers their entire faces, giving them the appearance of wolf-men. Now, if the man on Pingelap had had hypertrichosis instead of achromatopsia, there would be an island with a large population of extremely hairy people.

In other words, population bottlenecks can make any genetic defects and changes commonplace.

Now, if you extrapolate (expand in application) this trend over millions of years, taking into account the relatively tiny population of humans (and other animals) and our inability at the time to deal well with severe natural disasters and even everyday problems (accidents, disease, problematic births, etc), it’s easy to see how these mutations could propagate and snowball. If hypertrichosis emerges and combines with an emerged dwarfism, or Down Syndrome, or webbed toes/fingers, or any number of other things, after a while, what you have doesn’t come close to resembling what you started with.

If there was a snake that grew legs and reproduced with other snakes and managed to pass on the mutation, and then the snakes with legs were better able to find food and shelter and other necessities because of this advantage, then snakes with legs would excel. It doesn’t mean that snakes without legs would die off just because they weren’t as fit, but we’d now have this new creature with legs that isn’t quite a snake and isn’t just a one-off fluke.

That isn’t to say that any genetic deviation at all results in a completely new species, but substantial enough changes do indeed warrant reclassification. Otherwise, every feathered animal that flies would just be considered the exact same thing (a hummingbird is a duck is a parrot is a northern shoveler), which is wholly inaccurate. It also doesn’t mean that every beneficial mutation that could possibly take place will actually happen, or that it will eventually develop in every genetic line of a species. The answer to “if we evolved from apes, why are there still apes?” is “if some humans have Down Syndrome, how come not ALL humans have Down Syndrome?” One mutation — even a relatively common one — is not guaranteed to take place within an entire species.

And that’s a quick rundown of evolution for fundamentalists. I know I’m wasting my breath… or, well, keystrokes… because these words will splash off their minds like oil from a wet rock since they have a defense mechanism against even THINKING about or CONSIDERING anything they’ve been brainwashed into believing would be contrary to their beliefs, but I figured I’d get this out there. Maybe it will help someone, somewhere, somehow, but probably not.

Anyway, no, Jack, the concept doesn’t work the way you think it does.

Is her gesture supposed to indicate that Fang is her teacher?

Oh, wait, I see, it’s a magic trick. Nothing in the hand… BOOM — a picture of a man fighting a dinosaur with the words “evolution” and “Darwin” on it. Nice show, lady. Bravo.

What’s amusing is that it’s Christians who are constantly claiming that dinosaurs and man co-existed, so I have no clue why such an image would be on a piece of literature about evolution.

“Did you guys buy tickets?” “For what?” “The gun show.”

Gah, no. There are so many things wrong with this. There’s a profound lack of understanding of what “fittest” actually means. That is, it’s not necessarily the “strongest” or the most powerful, but whatever’s best suited to its environment. But beyond that, the “fittest” is simply “what lives”. Certain adaptations make a particular offshoot of a species better suited to a particular environment, or able to survive in a different environment or on a larger scale. It does NOT mean that the rest of the species that doesn’t share this mutation will somehow immediately and instantly die off.

But even beyond that, there’s this really childish conception of “fit” among humans, and a real ignorance of the fact that humans have augmented their evolutionary standing through technology, and through our absolutely immense population.

Yeah, Jack, only tattoo-covered anthropomorphic pork roasts are fit.

FUCK. Just… NO. You’re an IDIOT, Jack. You can get all your followers to believe you, and a bunch of stupid and confused people who happen across your literature and have no will of their own, but that’s only because you all share the same complete lack of understanding that makes these lunatic ramblings seem like profound revelations.

Oh, lord, we’re not taking the…

…aggghhhhhhhh. The “evolution is racist” bullshit again.

So, how did this kid arrive at the conclusion that his fitness was somehow superior to the fitness of others? And, what, black people are all just, I dunno, ghosts or something? People with brown eyes are zombies? This is the absolute most forced and baseless conclusion anyone could ever possibly make, here.

It’s like if a parent told their child, “rock music is the best”, and the kid jumped to the conclusion that Van Halen was the best band that ever existed and that every other band needed to be wiped off the face of the Earth. What? How did that… I… I don’t… what?

I’ve heard other misguided race-based arguments against evolution, like “if we all came from Africa, then Africans are an ‘earlier’ step in human evolution”, but this has to be without a doubt the absolute fucking dumbest and most baseless racial anti-evolution argument I’ve ever heard. Just GYAH.

Call me crazy, but I don’t think we would have gotten very far as a species if there was an ethnic cleansing of all babies.

Kid with brown eyes has something else really wrong with him as well. His pupil is just going to get larger and larger until pretty soon it consumes all things.

Christianity’s final solution See? I can do it, too! I can draw arbitrary and inaccurate parallels to Hitler!

This woman’s head is like a fat mouse.

Who says this kind of shit? Seriously. I have the strongest of doubts that there has ever been a single person in the history of mankind who has ever uttered the phrase “evolution does away with morals” and meant it.

And if there’s no such thing as God… what in fuck would lead this kid to say “hey, I can become God!” How… why… would he draw that conclusion? This is the most painfully fucking stupid Tract I’ve read thus far. What’s to keep you from becoming a God? The fact that God doesn’t exist.

There’s Fang again, but you know what? Fuck it. I don’t care. This one’s so remarkably bad that I can’t even enjoy the one thing that doesn’t suck in Chick Tracts.

It’s possible for there to be room for both science and God in a person’s life, as long as one doesn’t allow God to interfere in their science. The second you use God to explain things, you’re no longer dealing in science. That doesn’t mean you can’t believe in God — it means you can’t use him as the answer to every unknown. But I guess that’s a problem if you’re some kind of psychopath who needs this “all or nothing” kind of belief where it’s either “EVERYTHING IS GOD’S DIRECT INTERVENTION” or it isn’t. And if you’re that kind of person, go find somewhere private and fuck yourself. Thanks in advance.

“I am the king of Dipshit Mountain! Grarrrr!”

Apparently, this is how this kid’s thought processes work: “What’s that? Survival of the fittest? SUDDENLY I THINK BEING A NAZI IS AN AWESOME IDEA. God doesn’t exist, because we don’t believe such an entity could exist? THEN I SHALL BECOME GOD. There’s no ethereal authoritarian moral dictate? THEN I WILL KILL WHOEVER I WANT, WHENEVER I WANT TO.” Obviously, there’s a little more wrong here than Jack may be letting on.

See, I don’t believe in God and I think evolution is a well-supported explanation for the development of all creatures on Earth, but I don’t consider myself superior in some weird Aryan way and I’m not about to go kill a bunch of people just because God never told me not to. So how do you explain that?

Yet another of the myriad misconceptions of fundamentalists is that moral relativism is all about the person doing the acting, when the truth of the matter is, it’s all about the person being acted upon. If you want to know what’s right and wrong, ASK. This is why it’s problematic when you try making all-encompassing laws that address all individuals based on the will of the majority.

Maybe someone wants to have their testicles tied off and swatted with a ping-pong paddle. If we outlaw this, we’re violating the consent of the individuals who enjoy the activity. If we make a law that everyone has to have their testicles tied off and swatted, then we’re violating the consent of the individuals who don’t enjoy it, or wouldn’t enjoy it at that particular moment. There are, in fact, moral absolutes, but they’re not authoritarian dictates of God, majority or king — they vary from individual to individual.

And that’s what Chick and his creepy ilk don’t quite understand: We don’t need God’s dictate to know how to treat other people, because we’re actually capable of empathy and respect and of understanding what it’s like to be a human, and don’t need fear of eternal pain to be good to other people.

Here’s an absolute: Jack Chick is a fucking lunatic who doesn’t understand what “relative” means.

Why does this kid have all these weird bow-legged Gumby poses? Is he riding a horse for several hours between each page?

It’s not that science has proven heaven doesn’t exist, it’s that without observable evidence, we just don’t give a shit, and assume that it doesn’t until we uncover evidence indicating otherwise. It’s not that scientists have this agenda against God or Intelligent Design or whatever else, it’s just that there’s no evidence for any of it, so nobody’s about to go incorporating heaven into scientific theory because it’s not science. What point would there be in including it, anyway? So that scientists can put forward theories that rain is God crying? Thunder is bowling angels?

Why humor her? Why not just kill her? Hey, you said anything goes, right, kid? Strangle her and bury her out in the woods. Or has this kid’s character development thus far as a completely insane and hateful individual who needs to be scared by God into being good just been a bunch of bullshit?

Don’t, kid! Run! It’s a trap! She’s about to use the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on your shoulder!

Doesn’t know who Jesus is, but knows enough to capitalize the pronoun.

“Jesus!? Who is He?? Tell me, Cathy… look into the hypno-eyes! Tell the hypno-eyes everything you know! OoooOoOoOooooo… hypno-eyes…”

The expressions on the kid’s and demon’s faces lead me to think the demon might also be unexpectedly plugging up another of the kid’s orifices as well.

You know, this kid and God both have the same complete ineptitude at demonstrating that they’re God. Really, why doesn’t she believe him? If all it takes — and all Christians and God expect it to take — is someone saying “God is God and Jesus died for your sins” in order to get a person to believe, then why doesn’t saying “I am God and I declare your sins absolved” make people believe that such is actually true?

“Politically incorrect” pfft. She’s just being condescending and aggressively retarded is all.

And seriously, why isn’t he just beating the hell out of her and leaving her for dead? Come on, he’s supposed to have no morals, remember?

If God is gay, then why do all of his followers think that homosexuality is wrong? Oh, wait, different kind of bummer.

What a bummer? What a bunch of bullshit is more like it. Okay, so God leaves this tree in the middle of the garden, right out in the open. He creates two people who are basically retarded in that they apparently have no conception of good or evil or basically anything. Then, when these retards fail to follow his instructions because they can’t possibly fathom the implications of right or wrong, God throws a huge fit and blames THEM, when they were the LEAST culpable in the entire scenario.

All right, if I brought a retarded child into my house who’d never been instructed on good or bad or right or wrong, and I left a cookie on the table and said “don’t eat that — it’s bad”, and then I went off for a stroll for a while, and then while I was out, someone came in and told the kid “hey, that cookie looks really tasty, you should eat it, come on”, who should I blame when I come back and find that the kid ate it? And what would you think of me if I beat the shit out of the kid, then waited for him to grow up and have children of his own, and then I beat the shit out of those kids, and then waited for THEM to have kids and beat the shit out of all of THEM? Wouldn’t I be… oh, I don’t know… a complete and total asshole?

I don’t really get what made Adam and Eve react the way they did, anyway. I know what good and bad are, what right and wrong are, and I’m totally comfortable sitting around naked in my apartment. I’d be perfectly comfortable if Janet and I both just sat around nude all the time. So I don’t get why “oh shit, I can identify bad now” made them feel they had to put on a bunch of clothes when they were the only two people in the entire fucking world. Why is nudity “bad”? I really don’t understand that.

And come on, you stupid little shit, you didn’t get that from God, you got that from his followers. It’s like if you saw some dude walking home from some They Might Be Giants cover band’s concert and he was singing The Alphabet of Nations and was drunk and got most of the words wrong and you went around telling everyone you saw a They Might Be Giants concert. Only worse, because it’d have to be that nobody could prove the actual They Might Be Giants actually existed, and they were unobservable, and they never released a CD, and all the music attributed to them came exclusively from cover bands, and yeah this analogy is completely falling apart, but that’s even more testament to how fucking ridiculous the entire idea is.

Kid went to the William Shatner school of acting. Either that or someone just reached up his ass and yanked really hard on his tailbone.

Yeah, really, how come? How come God didn’t just say “you’re all forgiven. Sorry. That really was kinda my fault, the whole apple and tree thing. My bad. I won’t be torturing any of you after all. Sorry for the misunderstanding! Hope we can still be friends.” The whole “Jesus was the only solution” thing makes absolutely no sense, “mysterious ways” or not. It seems like these guys were all writing this big story about God and commandments and miracles and parting seas and all this other crap, and then one of them had the idea for Jesus as a character, and nagged and nagged until they figured out a way to crowbar him into the story.

I mean, sure, to an omnipotent being, all actions are equal, so it’s just as “easy” for God to snap his fingers and forgive us than for him to come up with some contrived and bizarre needless roundabout to accomplish the same thing, but why go with the complicated arbitrariness? And why that particular thing? Why not come up with some dance that people have to do while wearing feathers on their heads, and make it so that the planets switch orbits with magically no ill effects, and the dance can only be done when the Earth is in an even position around the sun, and udders appear in midair at the right time that we have to milk and drink from during the dance in order to achieve salvation?

Hey, look! I’ll bet that bull is about to squeeze out another fine Chick Tract!

Yep, nobody could figure out the whole “being nice to other people” thing until Jesus came along and said it. It was a totally new concept, and he was the first one to ever think of it.

So, if I choose to die for all of humanity, what happens? Do people have to buy into my message? What happens to people who selflessly die for total strangers? Firefighters, rescue workers, etc? Are they just like Jesus? Or does God still send to hell the ones who didn’t believe in him in just the right way, even though they’re perhaps more generous than Jesus in that they’re not part God but they still sacrificed their lives?

Jesus taught us to love one another! Therefore, we have to abide by a particular set of beliefs, many of which are completely disconnected from the message of Jesus, in order to get into heaven! It all makes such perfect sense!

Jesus gave you eternal life? Prove it. I mean, even just showing your work would be extremely helpful. You can’t? Ah… didn’t think so.

What. The. Fuck. Newsflash, Jack: THIS IS NOT HOW SECULAR PEOPLE TALK, NOR IS IT WHAT WE BELIEVE OR HOW WE FEEL. Nobody would ever use “we came from monkeys, you sicko” as an argument against some religious sentiment or another. None of us use evolution as an argument against God — it’s YOU who attach such a significance to the study. I’m not religious, but I give more credit to God than you do by considering that an omnipotent being would be capable of creating a system as complex and intelligent as evolution. Further, it’s YOU who try to use God as an argument against evolution. You are hostile against yourselves and against others, yet you constantly accuse THEM of persecuting YOU. Shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down, and stop acting like you’re the fucking authority on anything. Thanks in advance.

You could drive a train through his goofy-looking mouth. What a hideous, chipmunky little fuckstain.

Gah, I’m not even going to bother with this one since it’s so obviously stupid and misguided it needs no detailed commentary. Or, well, other than to point out that for a kid who isn’t supposed to believe in mythological or spiritual things, he sure is buying into his weird “I’m a God just like Jesus” theology pretty thoroughly.

[picture of a smug-looking kid flaying an elderly man alive, with Buddha smiling in the background, Buddha has a speech bubble saying “See what Christianity has done for my boy? Thank God the church taught him this!”] I mean, shit, that makes just about as much sense. Gyah, stupid stupid stupid.

Wow, he’s kind of obsessive, isn’t he? Yeah, going to spend every day of the rest of my life laughing at this stupid little religious girl I met briefly when I was a kid. Hoo boo!

So where does the Grim Reaper fit into Christian theology? He one of God’s buddies? Where does he rank in relation to the other deities and saints and things?

Demonic influence is ALL YOUR FAULT.

If you believe that all things are made up of atoms, you’re going to hell!
If you believe that the Earth goes around the sun and not the other way around, you’re going to hell!
If you believe that DNA is responsible for the traits of living, carbon-based creatures, you’re going to hell!
If you believe that you can’t make conclusions about the way the world works without examining and comparing observable evidence, you’re going to hell!
If you believe that pie crust is made with flour, you’re going to hell!

*sigh*


An important message, or perhaps not so important

I guess I have a bit of explaining to do. You probably remember that I said I’d start doing more Dissections when I was finished writing my book, and I haven’t really been making good on that. In fact, Dissections have become somewhat of a rarity. Truth is, I’ve gotten a bit burned out. Not so much on Chick specifically, but on fundamentalists and oppressive theocratic nutjobs of any flavor. It’s not that I don’t enjoy mocking their laughably ridiculous belief structures and ideas, but, well, it depresses me.

These people — the ones who so proudly champion their moral superiority — aren’t moral at all. In fact, they’re some of the least moral people, regardless of however many charities they might support or fundraisers they might organize. They aren’t motivated by genuine goodness — if they were, they wouldn’t need fear of God and hell. They’re driven by obedience, by the carrot of heaven and the stick of hell. So often, they speak of “temptation”, as though it’s an urge or desire they routinely experience to be a terrible person and the only way they manage to resist is by praying to God. That scares me, a lot.

They don’t care about people, only about their own personal salvation. Yeah, sure, they might “convert” other people, but it’s all ultimately because they believe that if they don’t, they will themselves go to hell. They have to try to domineer everyone else’s lives because it’s the only way THEY will make it to heaven, it’s part of their “personal relationship with Jesus”. And that’s still all mostly about souls than about people themselves anyway.

It would be dangerous to remove their belief system, because then we’d have a bunch of thoroughly dangerous people walking around without their artificial boogeyman consciences to scare them away from raping babies and such, but it would be really fucking nice if they’d stop acting like they could speak from a position of moral authority. I’m more moral than they are by epic magnitudes, and they have no place telling me what I can and cannot do. It’s like a schizophrenic on half a dose of their medication telling someone without schizophrenia that they have to take the same pills in order to ignore the voices in the toaster.

They never once stop to take a good critical look at the Bible and analyze it from the perspective of real morality. A moral God wouldn’t hand out infinite punishments. A moral God wouldn’t condemn people to such infinite punishments simply by virtue of being born a human. A moral God wouldn’t arbitrarily restrict the minds of the first two people he creates so that they aren’t aware of good and bad, and then become infuriated with them when they disobey him and become no longer retarded. A moral God wouldn’t ask a man to kill his son for no reason, and then stop him at the last minute “as a test”. A moral God wouldn’t completely destroy a man’s life and family just to prove a point to Satan. In fact, I can’t think of a single instance in which God demonstrates that he’s actually good. At least, without being a total asshole shortly afterward. It seems to me the real villain of the Bible… is God.

That’s right — fundamentalists worship the devil. If you’re going to buy into this whole “good/evil” deity mythology story, well, it’s easy to spot evil when you see it, and the angry, wrathful God depicted in the Bible is clearly the mother of all terrible nightmare monsters. Nothing else we’ve ever managed to come up with — the Holocaust, war, biological warfare, terrorism, Freddy Krueger, murder, rape, corpsefucking, every villain in every work of fiction ever — is as sinister and cruel as an omnipotent being that will guiltlessly condemn innocent people to an eternity of the most unimaginable pain.

I’m not by any means a religious person. I try to act on others according to what they individually find find good and bad, without any consideration to any kind of belief system or authoritarian dictate. That’s true morality: Treating individuals as they want to be treated, and ensuring that nobody violates anyone’s consent. It’s difficult because it varies from person to person, but that’s how it works: If you want to know what’s right and what’s wrong, ASK. (There’s more to this subject, but I’m writing another full post about it.) You shouldn’t be good or bad to other people because of eternal repercussions, you should be good to other people because, well, they’re people with thoughts and feelings and emotions, and because you’re a person with thoughts and feelings and emotions.

But if I had to take religion seriously, and buy into some kind of theology, I’d say that the Biblical God is the same as the Biblical devil, and that the Bible itself is a tool used to imprison anyone who believes in either. What it calls “Original Sin” is more like a gift that binds us and allows us to reject this entire system, to see it for what it really is, to identify evil when we see it. Maybe that’s why the Biblical God was so upset with Adam and Eve — because they could call him out for what he really was. The Tree of Knowledge is the real Jesus: A savior to provide us a means from escaping a cruel God by choosing not to subscribe to anything in his book of lies. Heaven, Hell and Earth have all struck me as particularly prison-like anyway.

What’s funny is, whether I’m secular or not, this theology can still apply without any alteration to my lifestyle. The best way to believe in God is to not believe in God, because if there is truly some loving and caring omnipotent entity out there, he’s going to love us whether we kiss his ass or not, and is going to respect us more if we were good people without needing to constantly cower in fear worrying about the conditions of our afterlives. A genuinely loving God would be proud of me for living a secular life, and for showing consideration for other people without needing fear as a motivator. A genuinely loving God is infinitely better than the monster depicted in the Bible, but I still don’t believe in him anyway.

109 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Moving On Up”

  1. Sorry, Felis, didn’t notice your comments on the other thread until just now. I’ve been sick and busy for the last week or so, and haven’t really kept up with the site until I started this Dissection yesterday.

  2. “I am the king of Dipshit Mountain” made me laugh out loud.

    I love how the immoral, megalomaniacal demon-spawn suddenly cares about what’s politically correct. Chick was too lazy to make two strawmen. He had to combine his Straw Nazi EVILutionist and his Straw PC Thug into one Straw Antichrist.

    But, seriously, Jack Chick is right. Evolution is wrong because it can be so easily twisted into something evil and completely irrelevant to the original message, whereas nothing like that is possible for Christianity.

    1. I’ll ignore the fact that you have no understanding of evolution and move strait on to the comment about Christianity not being able to be twisted to do evil. You cannot be that blind. The crusades were a series of holy wars in which millions of people died. The witch hunts in which several thousand women were either burned alive or hung. The disputes between the catholics a protestants, I could go on, just know that nothing is perfect.

  3. How is there any contradiction between “believing in a higher power will make me happy after I die” and “we’re descended from smaller, dumber animals”? I want to always argue this way. “I think that when I dream, I’m actually in an alternate universe.” “You crazy bitch! Trees are made of wood! Everyone knows that!”

  4. I have to admit, I DO like the “And that’s how we began our long journey into humanism” pun.

    Also, that Darwin’s chuckin’ a spear at the T.Rex. Take that, Marc Bolan!

    I’ve also been surprised at how callous Chick is in this one — Tyler “finally croaked”. Usually these folks, no matter how heinous “die in their sins”, or “pass” or, well, just “die”. But this one’s all “See ya, ya little nazi fuck!”

  5. Y’know, Jack, several of the ten commandments are actual laws that are enforced for everyone, not just the religious. And others are ones ignored by Christians. You remember that statue of the ten commandments that got chucked from a courthouse? It violated itself as a graven image. Same deal with every single statue of Jesus and/or the cross Christians have ever produced.

    Also, the ten commandments allow for the possibility of other gods. “You shall have no other God before me” only dictates order of worship.

    And ‘Bearing false witness’ does not equal lying. It means lying with severe consequences, such as in a court of law. Which is illegal, along with murder and theft. It’s not just you guys.

  6. Also, I believe that the devoted followers of either God or Lucifer would make both twitch and try to get the other one to take them. Lucifer was the bringer of light, and the most devoted of God’s angels. Thus, serving as God’s opposite can be seen as the most vital – and painful – of roles. There cannot be light without darkness, nor good without evil. And his role would require him to be away from God’s glory, which would be like telling a geek they can never go online again.

  7. I just wanted to add that I think evolution = racism says more about the person arguing it than it does about me. The person who says evolution = racism is implying that their race is superior instead of just better adapted for a particular environment.

    ex. I’m black-talian, my bro in law is russian. In the winter I’m cold once it hits 60f and he walks around in short sleeves and no jacket when the pipes start freezing. In the summer I take strolls in triple-digit heat and he can barely move and burns if he even thinks about going in the sun. Neither is superior, we’re just best suited to different environments. He calls me the lizard and he’s a fuckin’ polar bear. /end rant

  8. You … you bastard, Jabberwock 😛

    I’ll probably submit my own take on this anyway, but if I do it’ll be in a few weeks (after all, we don’t want too much repition, hahahaha).

    I haven’t read the dissection yet though.

  9. Rose:

    There’s an interesting doble standard I’ve noticed with political correctness: one group claims that the opposition in the argument is “politically incorrect” and then proceeds to not only be un-PC, but to be genuinely horrible.

    And, I’m suprised that Chick is calling secular people out on that sort of thing: it’s usually the RELIGIOUS RIGHT who get to have whatever they want to say; and, at everyone else’s expense, usually by shaming their opponents (by calling them sinners or religious haters). It’s usually pro-Christianity and pro-Islam groups tha are guilty of this. Often, they actually use this political correctness to shame their (usually more liberal) opponents into conceding.

    I’ll post some more serious shit later, but for now a few laughs. See that seen where the kid turns into Alvin and starts screaming at the girl? I just really want to photoshop that so he’s smiling. It would look so fucking funny.

    Oh, yes.

    http://img.4chan.org/b/res/68449835.html

  10. One of these days Jack Chick is going to announce that it was all a big experiment, that he just did it to see what kind of people would follow that crap.

  11. of course we didn’t come from goo, we came from dirt (Genesis 2:7).

    And notice how Tyler doesn’t know jack about Jesus, God, Adam & Eve yet knows 10 commandments.

  12. Jabberwock,

    Your last bit is spot on. The God of the Old Testament is a jealous, angry, spiteful, almost petulant God. I consider myself a gnostic Christian and have long felt that the God of the Old Testament is not a God worth worshipping.

    The thing that always got me was the story of Abraham and Isaac. What kind of a God would demand that a man kill his only son, regardless of whether or not he had any intention of doing so? What kind of God is so pathologically twisted that he would set up mind games that would make a man choose between the two things he valued most in his life? And what kind of an idiot was Isaac for adopting his father’s faith after seeing it almost kill him?

    It’s funny, though. The God of the New Testament, the way gnostics see it, and the way I think it ultimately was intended, is a god of love and kindness and forgiveness. But after Jesus’s death the recorded history went right back to that idea of GOD WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T DO WHAT HE SAYS GRRRRRAAAAARRRRRRRGH!!!!

    Fundamentalists try and say that God is love while still clinging to this notion of a hateful, spiteful, angry God. I think by missing the point entirely they’ve done a huge amount of damage to the world, and the saddest thing is that none of them will ever realize it.

    I have to say, Jabberwock, that your Chick dissections are always a bright point in my day when I read one. I can understand you being burned out on them, though – that much crazy can really get to a guy. I think I might start doing them every now and then on my site. But I just wanted to say thank you 🙂

  13. One day, probably long after we are all dead, this notion of Christianity will be gone. It won’t even be considered a religion anymore, just something that the ancients believed in and appears ridiculous to future schoolchildren. The last vestiges of Christianity will remain in the minds of the native people of some barren desert planet wherein a valuable narcotic is mined. Funny, isn’t it? But not so funny when you consider that the chances are good some other religion, just as bad, will rise up in its place. With any luck, though, it won’t control governments.

  14. Walter, the human race will never leave the planet. The planet will eliminate us like the disease we are within 100 years. And Christianity will be responsible, but it won’t matter because the people who are left will be smug Christians.

  15. What is it about Chick and horrible children? First we have Hitler Jr. then we got the Chick Zombie Girl. Why is it I want to strangle every child that this man draws?

  16. Somebody tell Jack Chick that lifeforms don’t decide when to evolve. If they did, my pet ferret, Meauxregard, would have decided a long time ago to evolve opposable thumbs and let himself out of the cage. God or Shiva or Buddha or Zeus or whatever help us all if domesticated ferrets (who are a lot smarter than many humans)even grown themselves opposable thumbs.

  17. I do find it strange that fundies try to invalidate science and evolution by equating them with or even calling them religion. And yet they remain completely blind to the irony.

  18. Anybody else notice that in some panels, this kid looks like Moral Orel? He’s, like, his asshole secular twin.

    Atheists are evil because they don’t believe in God? Fuck you. If you want to get down to it, an atheist will do a good deed simply because they want to do something good. A Christian does a good deed to get into Heaven/avoid going to Hell.

    1. I do good deeds not because I expect a reward in the next plane or existence, but because Jesus did good things and I want to be like him.

  19. Best lines in the whole tract:

    “We must always believe what scientists say. Others claim to know and they are the ones who guide us.”

    ROFLOMAO at the irony, the sheer wonderful irony of a religious fundamentalist uttering such a line as an argument against any other system when it so clearly pegs their own system. Just substitute Bible for scientists and clergy for others. Talk about shooting one’s self in the foot. I think what fascinates me about Chick tracts is the utter density of the man to see that what he uses to condemn others condemns himself. Yet, because of his fear of the outside world he really has no deep or even basic understanding of anything but religious thought and therefore keeps building up fundy strawmen out of all his imagined opponents.

  20. 2. Ew, now you’ve got me thinking about Jack Chick all licking his lips while he draws a set of tits.

    3. Yeah, it is weird that the Nazi character would also be worried about political correctness. But hey, gotta pack those librul atheist feminist buzzwords in there somehow.

    Also, hee, re: your second paragraph.

    4. Exactly. “I’m a Buddhist — I don’t place much value on material wealth.” “You nut! Everybody knows that fire is the result of rapid oxidization!” It really feels like Jack skipped a few lines or something.

    5. Happy birthday. And thanks.

    6. Yeah, it’s kind of a weird one. I think he’s gone even more insane than he already was, like he uber-snapped around the time of Fairy Tales.

    7 and 8. Thank you very much.

    9. Yeah, well, I think we’re more likely to see a goat solve a Rubik’s Cube before we ever see a fundamentalist who thinks logically.

    10. I still like that Lucifer’s the bad guy even though it’s God who’s the least moral entity/person depicted in the Bible. “Mysterious ways” can only go so far. Guy’s a dick.

    11. Agreed. That’s the answer to the argument I mentioned in the Dissection about how some people think evolution is racist because “it means black people are less evolved” or whatever. No, it just means that — as you said — black people are best suited for a particular environment. In fact, if early humans in Africa had turned white for whatever reason, they would’ve died out, because apparently the ultraviolet radiation in more equatorial climates would’ve interfered with pregnancy.

    I think the lesson we should take from this is that stupid people are almost always capable of taking anything — evolution, belief in something beyond this life, etc — and twist and distort it into something profoundly stupid and completely misguided.

    12, 13. My bad. And yeah, fundamentalists are all for freedom of speech and religion and such, as long as it’s THEIR speech and THEIR religion.

    Also, your link’s a 404.

    14. I sometimes suspect this. He comes dangerously close, sometimes, to seeming just too overboard to be sincere. I really hope that he’ll come forward one day and be all “you people are fucking retarded, how could you buy into this shit?” but I doubt it.

    Of course, what’s to stop someone else from claiming to have been Jack Chick all along, and doing exactly that? If I were about twenty years older, I’d consider it. Nobody’s ever seen Chick himself, really. If nothing else, it might drive him out of hiding to make a statement.

    15. Oh, definitely. It makes far more sense that Adam was fully-formed from transubstantiated dirt than that biological chemicals stewing together and mutating and combining and stewing some more eventually resulted in the first single-celled organisms capable of reproducing themselves.

    Yeah, Chick’s atheists are always both astoundingly ignorant of Christian mythology but still somehow manage to pick out key elements of recognition.

    16. Thanks. I’ve come to consider myself an “Agnostic Gnostic”, really. 😛 I’ll explain more at some point in the future.

    And I’m glad you’re entertained. It means a lot to me. Let me know if you start doing any, and I’ll be sure to check them out.

    17. As much as I’d like to agree, I really do doubt that fundamentalism will ever die before the end of humanity. There will likely always be scared, stupid, and confused people who have difficulty with self-control. I only hope that the rest of us will come to realize that we really have to set up a strong and permanent barrier between them and public governance.

    18. Heh. Probably.

    19. Chick is a smug lunatic, and all of his characters end up coming across the same way. It’s like he’s incapable of drawing anyone who isn’t a smug lunatic in one way or another.

    20. Exactly. I don’t have a ferret, but I’m really glad that evolution isn’t directly steerable. For most creatures, anyway — I kind of wish I could detect and manipulate/repair my own genes. Perhaps the human mind and nervous system will one day evolve to become sensitive and powerful enough to be able to accomplish such a feat… who knows.

    21. Indeed. Of course, it’s all predicated on their assertion that they are unequivocally correct, and that their perspective is the only right one. Thus, if anything else is a religion, it’s automatically a wrong religion. So calling something else a religion invalidates it. In their crazy little collective fantasy-land, at least.

    22. You’re right. I was going to mention the resemblance, actually, but forgot.

    Thanks, everyone.

  21. 23. That line really made me suspect that Chick’s been playing everyone all along, but then I got all depressed when I realized he probably hasn’t, and that he probably just said that because he’s incapable of understanding any perspective but his own system of blind faith in authority.

    Oh well.

  22. I always find it amusing how extremist fundies like Chick make these arguments against Science that are basically the exact same arguments atheists make against religion, replace Science with God/Christianity/Jesus whatever, and it actually makes quite a bit of sense. Well, until they get to the whole classic “DURR WHOS JESUS (the Lord in heaven Amen Dick 6:90)” part, because clearly the only way people could not buy into the religion nonsense is if they’ve never heard the word of Jesus and thus are instantly converted.

  23. I love all this talk about “What Jesus did for us” and “Jesus’ great sacrifice” being that he was crucified and parlayed this into “to absolve you all of your sins!” (Though from the way he was going, if he didn’t get betrayed he would seem to have been more than happy to not turn himself in), but, and this is a point you’ve brought up before, as well as the comedian David Cross: What kind of sacrifice is that REALLY. Many people were crucified on the cross in his time, probably many of them were innocent, and they went to it not knowing what was in store for them afterwards and the possibility of this being it. Jesus however, went to his death knowing that he was giving up a life of bowing, scrapping, suffering, and hiding under an empire in a reality he sees as fleeting, to enter a realm of eternal happiness and love. Big sacrifice. I’ll nail myself to a two by four right now if I can get a 100% guarantee of that. And from “God the father’s” prospective, it’s about as much of a sacrifice as sending your son on a minister’s trip that you know he’ll be coming back from, sure he’s gone for a while, but when your life span lasts billions of millions of forever, some odd 23 years isn’t a big loss. It’s not like he had any real threat of losing his son forever.

    So what’s the big loving caring sacrifice? “I went to a land of eternal bliss and happiness to rule forever for your sins! It was a great sacrifice!” I think pretty much the entire American army fighting in Iraq right now can claim to have done more and sacrificed more for Cathy than Jesus ever has.

    It’s like saying “My love for you was so great, that I sacrificed my weekend of incredibly boring meetings, ritual torture broken only by diseased meals and skin tearing manual labor to go to a theme park/arcade/fishing/bowling/sleep with hot model twins/whatever you want, for you!”

    Actually, I wonder if that will work. It was good enough for Jesus after all.

  24. You know what also is funny? The fact that Mutant Chipmunk Mom talks just like a fundie in the tract (I mean the way Chick potrays em). It’s the most retarded thing I have seen in my life.

    Honestly, if I ever get this fanatical about my relgion I pray to God someone shoots me, because the only explaination would be some horrible brain sickness.

  25. You know, I really wish someone would show Chick something like Fullmetal Alchemist so we can all see him go on anther rant (GUHHH GUHHHH ANIME IS BAD). It would be funny, I’m sure.
    Jabberwock, you are just now starting to be depressed by this? I’ve been seriously depressed by this crap ever since I first had the poor fortune of stumbling onto it on the internet. Screw you, Jack Chick.

  26. Marquis, I hear you. Even when I was a christian, I had a hard time really getting my head around why it was such an atrocious sacrifice. You figure three earth days is the equivalent of a blink of the eye in comparison to eternity. In fact it is a pretty common platitude in the church when someone loses a child to throw up the whole god lost Jesus so he sympathises. “You think you are suffering, think of what god went through when he lost Jesus.” Well guess what a-hole, god got Jesus back in three days. How many of us would like the same luxury when a loved one dies?

  27. I’m a long-time reader of Chick’s tracts and your dissections, first-time commenter. I just finished reading this tract and I couldn’t help but wonder: Has Jack been watching a little too much “Death Note” lately? The only possible reason that Jack would seem to think anybody will buy the idea of an amoral boy claiming godhood for himself is if he has been watching it and assuming that Light can be considered representative for godless youth. Hell, if not for the fact that the demon at the sinner’s side is an extremely common trope in Chick tracts (almost as much as an unrepentant sinner’s untimely death), I’d say that he was based in concept on Ryuk.

  28. I guess what it really is, is fundies like Jack Chick who only know how to think in terms of “God said this…” and “God said that…” simply assume that that’s how everyone else thinks they can’t understand a system of knowledge that isn’t entirely based on belief of an unknowable unquestionable entity, so they simply assume that (Since god knows they won’t actually do any research at all) scientific process is the exact same thing as their religion: the information is released from on high, and you’re not allowed to question or think to hard about it, without being blasphemous.

    Really this whole train of “Science gives alternate non-divine answers to life, therefore there are no morals, therefore I can become a god” train of thought is the most hilarious.

    P.S.: I found two chick tracks on the bus to class on two separate occasions, I was so excited 😀 “Fame” and “4 Angels?”, unfortunately nothing particularly crazy, though Fame was a Black Chick track which means it’s full of stereotypes and racist imagery

  29. oh, and if God was really, really serious about sacrificing something for sinners he could have go down Himslef. It’s nice to sent others to their deaths but do it yourself if you really, really wish to.

    “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

    Imagine medal citation: “For extreme bravery under fire when soldier John Doe gave an activated hand grenade in his buddy hands then pushed him into enemy bunker thus ensuring it’s destruction.”

    If something is worth a sacrifice sacrifice yourself, don’t sacrifice others.

  30. Your message in closing this Dissection was excellent. I have felt this way for a long time. When I was a child, I was a member of a religion who instilled fear on a daily basis. I was to the point of being unable to sleep in fear that the world would end and I would never see my family again. The wonderful ARMAGEDDON could happen any second, no one knows the day or hour when it would come and wipe out all the sinners just as in the Great Flood. I would sit and listen to these stories of a baby nearly being slain by his father as a “test of faith”, Jesus Christ, God’s only son, being tortured and killed by His instruction, women turned into salt, etc. and if I questioned how a “kind and loving” God could do this, the reaction from anyone was as though I were the spawn of Satan himself. You don’t questions such teachings! What is wrong with you? You have to have faith that God’s tests were there for a reason. They are to show us how much these followers of God were willing to sacrifice for their faith. WHAT?! What sort of logic is this? If a parent took their young child out into the winter snow, sat him there naked and said “Stay out here for an hour to prove that you love your mother and me.” What do you think would happen? The police would be called, child protective agencies would take the child away from these parents, they would be mentally evaluated, etc. It would be illegal but if you do it in the name of religion, then, well, it’s just simply a test of faith, of love? I don’t think so. These so-called tests seemed cruel and frightening and sick. All these teaching did was make me question religion and how anyone could follow these terrors. As you said in your comment, “they don’t care about people, only about their personal salvation” is so true. Do whatever I can to save my ass. That’s just sick. If this is what makes one a Christian then I would like to remain agnostic or a “questioning seeker”. At least I’m not testing anyone or hurting anyone.

  31. GUYS GUYS! SHHHHHH! We shouldn’t be criticising Mr. Chick; after all, that’s politically incorrect! And, he’s got mental disorders, so it’s discrimiation against people with poor mental health; it also means you like making fun of people who sufferedfrom strokes, you oppressive bullies! And, he’s an old man, so it’s ageism!

    I know it’s nothing to do with me, but I’ll sue and take you to a Crown Court judge! I’m deeply offended; no, it’s not because of the fact that if I do take you to court as Mr. Chick’s legal representative he’ll have to pay me a hefty legal fee from his huge court settlement!

    And I was not asked to do this in any way by the Labour Party, despite the fact I am a representative of the Government and they will get some rich old coot with buckets of money on their side . . . oh shit.

  32. Needing Sun, I used to have those same fears. And what abou taking communion. I had so many pastors that would tell the story of the couple who died for lying about how much money they made. Then they would say that if communion as taken in an unworthy manner you could die, or not die right away but get a terminal illness. Everything was threat, threat and more threats.

    No wonder fundies are so angry. Scared people are angry people.

  33. “Since we are descended from donkeys, we should have a religious ritual where we have sex with donkeys.”
    “We came from monkeys, you sicko!”
    Checkmate, Jabberwock.

  34. You know, if you want to get into conspiracy theories, maybe the Chick tracts are the product of a top-secret government sociological experiment. MUAHAHAHAHA!
    Of course, we all know the government isn’t competent enough to pull off a decent conspiracy.

  35. Good dissection as always, Jabberwock.

    This tract is particularly bad, which makes it both disturbing and reassuring that ol’ Jack hasn’t lost his touch yet!

    The sheer amount of objectionable silliness really make this one a gem. Besides the usual unlikely clichés (like an American kid who’s never heard of Jesus), it reads like a checklist of every misconception about atheism and evolution that Chick could cram into a single tract! Evolution leads to Nazism. Evolution is a religion. Evolution leads to immorality. Only atheists accept evolution. Atheists hate God. And so on and so forth!

    The “story” of “human” evolution is my favorite part. Seriously, does anyone with so much as a high school education actually believe that? Chick’s probably aware of how silly it is, but chose to deliberately misrepresent it in order to portray it as “silly”. If this was indeed his plan, he failed miserably, because all he’s done is portray *himself* as an ignoramus.

    Two other noteworthy points: what sort of parent tells their kid that right and wrong doesn’t exist? C’mon, Jack. Even secular, atheist parents give their kids *some* idea of what society tolerates and what it does not.

    The bit at the end is odd too, with God telling Tyler that he was wrong not to listen to that Cathy girl. You mean to tell us that in his WHOLE life, Tyler NEVER AGAIN heard of Jesus, never met another Christian and was never preached to again?!

    Keep up the good work, Jabberwock.

  36. 39: I wouldn’t say that my little rant as so much a conspiracy theory as a conspiracy fact; after all, all it takes is a few Government lawyers to get in touch with the wealthy individual who’s been wronged; so, it’s likely enough (and New Labour always have been money mad – look at the things they fine you for now!); whether or not it HAS happened in the past is unlikely, but it wouldn’t suprise me too much if it did; like I said, it deosn’t need to go “All the way to the top!!!11cos 0”

  37. 39: I wouldn’t say that my little rant as so much a conspiracy theory as a conspiracy fact; after all, all it takes is a few Government lawyers to get in touch with the wealthy individual who’s been wronged; so, it’s likely enough (and New Labour always have been money mad – look at the things they fine you for now!); whether or not it HAS happened in the past is unlikely, but it wouldn’t suprise me too much if it did; like I said, it deosn’t need to go “All the way to the top!!!11cos 0”; it’s easy to pull off, and, stranger things have happened.

  38. Just…Wow. It’s insanity, dipped in bullshit, wrapped in ludicrousness, with a stick (or cross, take your pick) shoved up its ass.

    I feel your pain, Jabberwock…this crap is just sickening. I don’t really know you, but just speaking from my own perspective/experience, I think that unfortunately those who care the most and feel and are affected by things the deepest are the ones who are probably burnt out the most easily (especially when trying to argue with brick walls). Being passionate about something, and trying to convey it (often while putting yourself out there at the same time) takes a lot of energy!

    Nice to see another dissection, thanks (I’m still also working my way back towards the beginning! I found this site recently via a comment you had left on an article on exchristian.net (interestingly enough, I feel I used my intuition to decide which month of the archives I should pick ;)). I love the dissections as well as the comments left by your wonderful readers 🙂

    Much like on exchristian.net it is nice to come here and feel that I am not alone, and to see that other people have reached many of the same conclusions that I have.

    Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more! 🙂

  39. That tract is so full of strawmen, it’s like a chorus line of thirty Ray Bolger clones.

    I take your closing note to mean that you probably won’t be doing many more dissections, which is a little sad but I’m right with you. I burned out on mocking fundamentalists a long time ago. They’re just so tiresome. Thanks for all the great laughs, but keep up the other thoughtful posts.

    But your bit about the tree of knowledge reminds me of Oscar Wilde’s statement (which I got through Robert Anton Wilson) that “disobedience was man’s Original Virtue.”

  40. Chick seems to actually be going further of the deep end.

    His anti-evolution rants more then ever before have an air of maniacal and somehow desperate intensity.

    Chick is going from a snerky, loopy kind of insanity to an ever more rabid frothing at the mouth and snarling and swiping at you sort of crazyness. Like… moreso then usual!

  41. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

    FUCK YOU JACK CHICK WHY DO YOU GET TO LOOSELY FALL INTO THE SAME CATEGORY OF BELIEFS AS ME AND THUS LEAVE ME TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE REPUTATION YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED FOR CHRISTIANS EVERYWHERE BY YOUR PROLIFICITY WITH INSANE BULLSHIT BASTARDIZATIONS OF WHAT THE REST OF US BELIEVE I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

    …I…I was going to try and post some counterpoints just to make it clear that the rest of Christianity isn’t so insane as the fundies, but…boy, I dunno. Fuck the fundie talk of Evil Worldly Deceivers, the thing that can bring a Christian closest to apostasy is other Christians.

  42. 1. In the second page, the mom is doing the Five Dollar Foot Long thing from Subway Commercials.
    2. How does the kid realize that from natural selection, blond hair and blue eyes is superior?
    3. In one tract, a demon says that the only people who don’t go to Hell are children and believers of God. So why does Tyler go to Hell when he looks like he is 7 in the panel he dies in?
    4. Also, did Death kill Tyler just to sent him to eternal suffering? Because it seems really convenient.
    5. Who the hell is Cathy?
    6. Back to the master race thing, Tyler’s mom does not have blonde hair and blue eyes like Lil’ Hitler, so would he kill her.
    7. If a stupid retard believes that he s a God even though his mom told him that there is no God, would he realize that he is wrong when he discovers that he can’t change the tides or manipulate people? Cause that’s what Fundy God can do
    8. Is there a mountain in the kid’s backyard or is that just an anthill of something?
    9. Why is it that most of the places where little kids brainwash each other into their beliefs is usually some flowery meadow in a forest with logs and rivers and birds singing? Is that an attempt to be like Eden, because there really should be apple trees or something.
    10.This “comic” was made in 2008, so why does Cathy look like a child in the 1930’s?
    11. Apparently, Tyler’s house is missing a wall, as the garden is in his living room.
    12. Referring to the previous, how is everyone able to teleport, or are they constantly walking? Tyler goes from his living room, to his backyard, to an anthill, and then to a flowery meadow, and then suddenly near a bullpen. I thought there was no magic?

    Wow, so many complaints.

  43. A “friend” at school got a hold of this one. He believed it, and I’m wondering if his brain has imploded and he is still walking around somehow.

  44. I was just thinking…

    Everything Jack Chick says boils down to;

    1) Everyone who disagrees with me is going to hell! That means YOU!

    2) If you DO agree to me, you must -BUY- all this crap from my publications.

    3) You must do this to make sure others don’t disagree with me either or you are STILL going to hell, even if you DO agree with me!

    4) So buy my crap!

  45. “Who says this kind of shit? Seriously. I have the strongest of doubts that there has ever been a single person in the history of mankind who has ever uttered the phrase “evolution does away with morals” and meant it.”

    Jack Chick does!

    “Nothing else we’ve ever managed to come up with — the Holocaust, war, biological warfare, terrorism, Freddy Krueger, murder, rape, corpsefucking, –every villain in every work of fiction ever– — is as sinister and cruel as an omnipotent being that will guiltlessly condemn innocent people to an eternity of the most unimaginable pain.”

    Course, the Bible is a work of fiction, and god is a character in it, so that’s not entirely true 😛

    I think Chthulu is pretty goddamn evil too. But compared to the evil of God? I don’t know, Chthulu is pretty much outright evil, doesn’t hide it at all, if you get involved in that you know what you’re getting: cannibalism, hate, blood, gore, and an ultimate god that just wants to eat you. But with God, it’s tricky, God seems to operate his evil with happiness, give you a little bit of happiness then take it away to make the sadness more potent, or dangle the carrot of ultimate happiness: heaven at you, before tossing you into hell for enternity for some minor infraction like picking your nose or not saying “I accept Jesus” in those words.

  46. Without Kent Hovind around (he is in jail) to give some pseudo appearance of substance and direction to Chick’s attempts at tackling evolution, Chick is just all over the place. Compare Big Daddy to this mess of a tract. Yea, Big Daddy is full of misinformation, strawmen and the like but it is at least a somewhat coherent story line and attempted to introduce some kind of proof. This tract is just a mess, all over the place with a bunch of baseless assertations.
    ————————————-

    Commodorejohn,

    I don’t know what you believe or what denomination you identify with. But most of the christians I knew throughout my time as a christian- young childhood until age 31- believed this stuff to some degree. It is pretty prevalant in predominately baptist, pentecostal, apostolic, evangelical leaning churches. I think it is much less common in Methodist, episcopalian, catholic circles.

  47. So, if people who accept evolution automatically turn into Nazis who think they’re God, is the kid’s mom also like that? Or does she just think she can’t do anything about her kid being that way, because of her skewed notion of relativism?

    I don’t think “survival of the fittest” was a Darwinian idea anyway, but it would probably be asking too much to expect Chick to know that.

  48. Actually, the notion of natural selection was proposed by a number of men in Darwin’s time, some theists and others not. Edward Blyth for example directly influenced Darwin’s view of natural selection (Darwin even mentions him directly in the first chapter of Origin of the Species), yet Blyth explicitly stated that he believed in a creator god.

    Even today, as I said in a previous post, many scientists in the field of evolution are religious, even Christian, and a majority of churches, including the Catholic church, accept evolution as true. Jack Chick’s very twisted, unfounded views about evolution and those who accept stem either from somebody who doesn’t interact much with others, or someone with an axe to grind who deliberately uses strawmen.

  49. You know, I really wish someone would show Chick something like Fullmetal Alchemist so we can all see him go on anther rant (GUHHH GUHHHH ANIME IS BAD). It would be funny, I’m sure.
    Jabberwock, you are just now starting to be depressed by this? I’ve been seriously depressed by this crap ever since I first had the poor fortune of stumbling onto it on the internet. Screw you, Jack Chick.
    ——————————————
    RE: Linhasxoc

    Forget “Fullmetal Alchemist”, I’d love to see what would happen if we showed him “Neon Genesis Evangelion”! 🙂

  50. I think Evolution and Creationism both require a lot of faith to believe that either could create the universe. The most sensible belief system is Theism or Agnosticism, where you accept that you cannot know the intricacies of how the world came to be. This way, life is neither spoken into existence nor arising on its own out of nothing.

  51. My dear Jabberwocky, I adore your dissections, but you’re really losing your touch.

    Chick isn’t going to respond, you know that. You’re not going to convert him, you know that. So why are you destroying your wonderful mind on trying?

    There’s so much to make fun of in this tract, so many nuggets of humour, that you can just go to town with it. Instead you’re attacking the theology once more, and to what end? Very few people are going to be convinced, so why not just have some fun with it instead? Yes, tear up the theology, but don’t try to wrap your mind around logic that quite simply isn’t THERE to be grappled with.

    You really must relax, my good and estimable friend.

    regards,

    neph

  52. 56: Well, evolution isn’t a “belief system”, is the thing. There’s a difference between trying to discover the origins of humanity or the universe and actually declaring with certainty that you know what they are without putting forth any real evidence other than “it’s in the Bible” or “the legend has been passed down among my people for generations” or whatever.

    Evolution isn’t intended to explain the origins of the universe, or even the origins of the Earth itself; rather, the origins, progression and development of biological organisms. And it wasn’t really “arising out of nothing” — the theory is that complex chemicals that currently exist and make up living things managed to combine through a lengthy process into the earliest living organisms.

    Everybody’s still pretty much clueless on the precise origins of the universe itself. It’s likely we’ll never know how it all came into being. But it’s entirely different a study from evolution. I think perhaps you might be confusing the two, which is easy because Christians like to frame the discussion as though the two are one and the same.

    Anyway, ultimately, it’s more important that people don’t choose an explanation, scientific or religious or otherwise, and stop questioning it.

    57: Sorry, I was just exasperated with this one. And with fundies in general. Next time will be better.

  53. Please don’t stop doing the Dissections, they’re brilliant! Or if you really can’t stand them, just organise more Guest Dissections instead.

    By the way, that speech/essay/thingy at the end about the nature of God in the Bible deserves a standing ovation.

  54. I find it kind of funny that a guy who fills his Tracts to bursting with Jewish/Middle Eastern/Gay/Asian/Black/Mexican caricatures is criticizing discrimination (he even has a section for BLACK ONLY comics).

    And on the subject of anime, someone really needs to send a letter or email while posing as a concerned fundamentalist and beg Jack to expose the horror of Japanese Animation and what it’s doing to our youth. This will not only result in hilarity if acted upon, it will confirm my belief that Chick does comics on anything anyone complains to him about so he doesn’t have to run the risk of losing readership.

  55. I read the tract again and couldn’t help writing down two things:

    1. Then it comes to evolution, survive of the fittest and Nazism we have something called “the gay uncle theory” that say a (sissy) homosexual in the family can be good from an evolutionary perspective. Not exactly that the Nazis lectured.

    2. If I’m not mistaken the question of that’s right or wrong is something philosophers have struggled with for century, sure many believed in God but few based their reasoning entire of the Bible and the point is of course that other people then religious fundamentalist have asked those questions. It’s more complicated then mr Jack thinks.

  56. When speaking about the dangers of an anti-evolution law (something I’m sure Chick would love to pass through the legislature), Clarence Darrow summed it up best during his argument in the Scopes “Monkey Trial”:

    “If today you can take a thing like evolution and make it a crime to teach it in the public school, tomorrow you can make it a crime to teach it in the private schools, and the next year you can make it a crime to teach it to the hustings or in the church. At the next session you may ban books and the newspapers. Soon you may set Catholic against Protestant and Protestant against Protestant, and try to foist your own religion upon the minds of men. If you can do one you can do the other. Ignorance and fanaticism is ever busy and needs feeding. Always it is feeding and gloating for more. Today it is the public school teachers, tomorrow the private. The next day the preachers and the lectures, the magazines, the books, the newspapers. After while, your honor, it is the setting of man against man and creed against creed until with flying banners and beating drums we are marching backward to the glorious ages of the sixteenth century when bigots lighted fagots to burn the men who dared to bring any intelligence and enlightenment and culture to the human mind.”

  57. ‘Nother one o’ dem long-time readers, first-time commenters and all that good stuff.

    Dude. I totally love your Chick dissections (And I also love Daveykins, even if he doesn’t love me back. More Gonterman dissections? Pleeease?), and listen to your friends when they say not to get all bummed out about the way some people are. I know I got problems with some assholes who flat-out refuse to change in the slightest, but that’s just the way some things are and you can laugh or cry or do nothing about it. So why not laugh, which is the best thing? Like Neph said. Don’t be serious! Rip them to pieces and keep making us laugh our asses off with you!

    More general pep talk and blah blah blah.

    So I look forward to future dissections, even if there’s not much for me to say, and I think I’ll take a look around the other parts of your blog. You seem pretty interesting.

  58. There are times I wish I could see the expression on Chick’s face when he goes to he reward and is greeted by the Devil.

    More hate and racism has come out of Christianity then about any other religion on the planet and Chick is a prime example of it.

  59. A few things I have noticed about Jack Chick tracts:

    1.) The characters appear to be dressed in clothes from a 1970s-era Sears catalog. Saves time, plus, he does not need to go out into public. Maybe whatever medication he is on causes photosensitivity. Combine that with being an obvious antisocial asshole and this explains why he thinks people still dress like this.

    2.) A little TOO much attention paid to drawing the “Lil Susy” character in other tracts, as opposed to the slapdash drawings of other characters. I could expand on my suspicions about that, but I am certain everyone knows where I’m headed with that.

    3.) I wonder if Jack’s hatred from science might stem from a misguided belief that science brought psychiatry and, perhaps, a diagnosis he’s spent the last few decades revealing to us, inadvertantly, through his tracts.

    4.) Maybe Jim Jones is NOT really dead, but an imposter was placed at Jonestown. That would explain why no one has SEEN Jack—he’s really Jim Jones?

    5.) Interestingly, most of, if not all, the young girls in Chick’s tracts don’t go to hell. They may die, but they “get saved” first. The men, of course, go to hell, go straight to hell, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. I wonder if Jack is projecting some hidden desire that these chicks (ar ar ar) will be awaiting him in heaven and all his competition is in hell. I think there is a glimpse, as disturbing as it is, into Jack’s adolescence. “Those gosh-darn meanies! They always get the swell girls! You just wait! I’ll draw cartoons where those girls die HORRIBLE, icky-poo deaths, but they will serve me in the afterlife! And all those mean boys will roast in hell! Roast, roast, I say!” Yeah, some of the young men get saved, too. Maybe the “gays are going to hell” tracts are his way of getting at them for “tempting” him, who knows? The guy is seriously fucked up.

    6.) “Jack T. Chick” might not even be a real person at all. It might be a publishing outfit of washed up generic-brand comic scribblers, societal pariahs and rejects, and assorted religious zealot assholes who all put their heads (such as they are) together to get this poppycock out. In their tracts, they get to “get even” with all the people they blame for their own pathetic failures in life. It’s just as plausible, though, Jack IS real and is a sexually-confused, sick, antisocial hermit who gets off on the thought of innocent people being tortured for an eternity while he’ll be in heaven with all kinds of girls he drew so attractive to him—even if they’re a bit, er, underage.

    7.) The illustrations in some of the tracts start to get worse and worse as they go on. It’s like the guy started with a twelve pack and by the end of the tract he’s on the last beer and the last page and says, “Eh, I gotta pee, I’ll just slap together the last panel of this guy groveling and call it a day. It’s all good.”

    I can’t wait to see the next dissection! Keep up the hilarious work! I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. Well, not since Dubya’s last speech anyway.

  60. There is enough in his supposed biography that if Jack Chick didn’t exist that somebody would have lowered the boom on Chick publications by now.

    That said the tracks are clearly done by different artists and I doubt at 84 Jack Chick is any more “all there” then when he inflicted “Why No Revival?” on the poor public back in 1960. If this track was done by him (It looks far simpler than the art in “Why No Revival?”) I would hazard to say senility has started to set in and Chick is loosing what little touch with reality he had. Of course when you look at the kind of paranoid, demon infested, conspiracy ridden world he imagines we lives in there is not all that much to lose.

  61. If you go to Chick’s entry at Wiki you’ll see part o how some catholic guy met him at “Light of the World” premiere (I think). now you may be tempted to dismiss Wiki as a source but I read about this encounter before on un-related site.

    So my bet is that Chick exists but is not 100% involved in tract creation. IMO he just spells out his ideas and others fill in the blanks.

    Also the quality (so to speak) varies greatly, specially if you look at past few years. some are good while others are just plain silly, giving the impression oh “Darnation, I must put out a tract by tomorrow morning and I have no idea what to write about. so I’ll just say some things about how Jesus was great”.

    You do get occasional one hwere he really puts an effort into portraiting target group as evil.

  62. If you would, please allow me to quote from Jack Chick’s website (from an article which the cockbite has the gall to entitle “Scientific errors in the Qur’an”):

    “If the Qur’an is the infallible Word of God, then it stands to reason that it would not contain factual errors of science. By “factual errors” we mean errors that can be physically examined. We are not talking about contradictions between scientific theories and the Qur’an. We are talking about hard evidence that can be checked out.”

    I just.. how else to define science? Like, the *mortal enemy* of God? Food for thought, people. It goes on:

    “Many Muslims believe in the Qur’an as a blind leap of faith. They really do not care if it is filled with mistakes and contradictions… The more closed minded they are, the more fanatical they become in their religion. When ignorance unites with arrogance, fanaticism is born…
    They blindly follow whatever religion they were born into. How sad it is to have an unexamined faith; a faith that cannot stand up to reason and science; a faith that merely shouts slogans, stamps its feet and beats its breast in a mindless mob. They do not believe in Islam because it is true. To them Islam is true because they believe it.”

    Douchebags. I’ll save my “mindless nationalism and religious intolerance leads to violence and human suffering, i.e. Cronulla riots” rant for another time

  63. So where does the Grim Reaper fit into Christian theology?

    So this kid, fairly young and healthy-looking, just drops dead before he hits the floor, in the presence of a skeletal being, and that’s the best joke you can make? Clearly, somebody needs to be introduced to my favorite anime…

    Here you go. The first two episodes provide you with your basic premise, and the plot just accelerates and accrues even more total evil genius from there.

  64. Why does Chick insist on putting arbitrary limits on God’s
    power? If God is all powerful why would he crudely handmake
    each individual animal when evoultion is a simple way and
    elegent way to achieve the same results. If God exists, why
    would he put so much evidence for evoultion if creationists
    were correct? Really any Christian living today that doesn’t
    accept the idea of evoultion is calling God a liar.

    P.S.
    Any chance you could dissect the new Holloween tract, its
    stupid (not that that is any differnt than any other tract)
    and it has vampires.

  65. hi, i love your dissections, they are very funny.

    the next dissection should be about chick’s new tract (first bite) his delusion level went insane, now he thinks vampires are real and are educated by “dragon masters”(maybe he means dungeon masters) and other weird people and that vampires go out in halloween to bite virgins and that kind of crazy stuff.

    check out extantdodos channel on youtube to see kent hovind (jack chick’s main source on anti-evolution tracts) get PWNED, really, tht guy is a lot like jack chick.

    im sorry if my english is bad, it’s not my first language.

  66. Oh PLEASE dissect his new one “First Bite”. The vampires actually grow real fangs! And Satan hangs out in their house!

    Chick (for him) went off the rails this time!

  67. Overall this was a funny dissection of what is probably Chick’s most absurd anti-evolution tract. Still, I really didn’t like the lengthy anti-Christian rant at the end, which didn’t really serve any point and made you look petty.

  68. One of the things, that i liked in “First Bite”, is, when the leader/announcing wampire says the name of the chosen wampire “Igor” with fear. Now i wonder, are he afraid of the chosen wampire, named Igor, or the name “Igor” itself.

    And by the way, hasn´t Satan got a bit obese in “First Bite”.

  69. II- St. Hypatia’s Lesson

    “Fables should be taught as fables, myths as myths, and miracles as poetic fancies. To teach superstitions as truths is a most terrible thing. The child-mind accepts and believes them, and only through great pain and perhaps tragedy can he be in after-years relieved of them. In fact, men will fight for a superstition quite as quickly as for a living truth – often more so, since a superstition is so intangible you can not get at it to refute it, but truth is a point of view, and so is changeable.”

    – St. Hypatia of Alexandria , martyr

    From The Protestant Satanic Bible, found at http://www.churchofsatanprotestant.com/protestant_satanic_bible.htm

  70. I gotta say that one good thing from Jack Chick is that, as someone that enjoys writing/drawing comics, he inspired me to create one of the best villains I’ve done… inspired by his depiction of God.

    So all fear Chackjick, the Evil Demon God of hate!

  71. Wait a minute, if demons are the ones turning people into atheists, witches and queers, then it’s not really their fault that they turned from God, is it?

  72. I love how the Grim Reaper says, “Hi there!”. I think that’s how I want him to greet me.

    It’s funny how Fundie’s dismiss science so much when much of it saves them from disease and poor health.

  73. Urgh. That kid is like the bastard child of Takano Miyo (anyone who has watched Higurashi Kai may know what I mean) and Light Yagami.

    Also, @60, I am so damn tempted to do just that. Not that I hate anime (though I do dislike mainstream ones, I don’t think anime’s the work ‘o tha debbil); I’ve been on Christwire, a most likely satirical Christian website with the same opinions as a fundie, and they’ve bashed numerous animu for various reasons (like the fact that Higurashi was claimed to be linked with a murder done by a 15-year-old Japanese girl of a police officer. Also, Nice Boat.). I’ve also seen articles on real fundie websites about several kids’ animu like Sailor Moon and Pokemon (EBOLOOTIN BE OF ZE DEBBAL). They’ve been bashed due to several themes about them fundies don’t agree with.

    Surprisingly enough, no Christian website (not even gaming websites), ever bashed or beared any mention of Disgaea. Unless noone’s noticed the subtle biblical allusions in the game/anime/manga, it’s baffling why it seems Christians have never heard of it in general. As if the frigging short demon overlord wouldn’t be a big enough clue.

    Irrelevant note, but I’ve done Disgaea-orientated hijacks on Christwire. One of the meager few people who ever acknowledged it was an angry ‘fundie’ who thought Laharl was a woman (WHAT). And that was before the website died and resurrected from the flames of hell. (I don’t go to the website anymore, but I’m planning to put transcripts/screencaps of the hijacks on Rapax’s Dimension)

    Onto the subject of the tract.

    Jack Chick is either fucking stupid, no idea what he’s talking about, has no idea what evolution is, or a combination of the three. This tract just REALLY emphasizes the fact why I think fundies are fucking retarded.

    Loved the endnote at the end. We pretty much have the same opinions. And I too, happen to be an agnostic gnostic.

  74. LOVE THIS DISSECTION SOOO MUUCCH

    Now I’m going to rant about Christianity is completely unoriginal and steals almost all of its traditions from the native religion of Europe we now refer to as Asatru (Myself being a practicing member, go to runestone.org to get the full picture, I really don’t feel like explaining it right now).

    Christmas: Originated as the Yule tradition where we celebrate for 4 days remberance, community, and the birth of a new year.
    Things Christianity steals from this: The exchanging of gifts, yule logs, misteltoe, and feasting (But that last one is common so I’ll let it slide)

    Easter: Originated as a celebration of the Goddess Ostara (The word Easter originates from Ostara) for the coming of spring
    Things Christianity steals from this: The symbolism of eggs and rabbits. Christianity claims they symbolize rebirth but they are symbols of spring.

    Jesus dying on the Cross: In the original tales of Asatru which date back to tens of thousands of years before even Judaism we see that the god we now know as Odin sacrificing himself by hanging himself from the world tree, Yggdrassil. This is so that humanity and the gods and goddesses may have knowledge of the runes. Odin later rises from death because he had gained knowledge of the magic of the runes. The only difference here is that Odin’s sacrifice actually involved risk: if he had not discovered the magic of the runes he would not have been able to revive himself.

    Hope this was informative!

  75. Oh by the way, the Asatruar do not believe that one must turn their back on science to be faithful to the gods. Instead, we only have knowledge of the gods, not so much of the workings on the universe so we rely on science to discover and explain to the best of its ability.

    Also, we treat our myths as parables, not actual facts. This differs from Christianity where it is a requirement to take all of the myths in the Bible as fact and history. We see our myths as insight into who the Gods and Goddesses are and how we should live our lives. We are also unsure about the afterlife much in the same way many Jews are (If you have read the Torah or have friends who are devout Jews, you will probably know that the Jews don’t think that they know what the afterlife is like, instead they just say live as good a life down here and hope for the best).

    I encourage all of you to look into the native religion of your ancestors. Asatru is part of a larger movement to get people back to their roots, whether they are in Africa, Asia, Australia, Europe, North America, South America, or Antartica (Polar bears gotta have religion too ya know :D)

  76. You know, looking at this dissection again, I just realized that the great teacher Fang kind of looks like Scrat.

    Oh, and Kilted Kaboodle, whilst I am fully aware of the fact that Christianity pretty much nabbed earlier germanic/norse traditions and turned them into things like christmas and easter. (And am always happy to point that out whenever these seasons roll around and people scream its all about Jesus, supposedly.) I still don’t feel a desire to return to said roots any more then that I’d wish to convert to christianity.

    Either are magic and mythology to me. And I prefer a rational/scientific worldview to a magic/religious one. (And have never seen a shred of evidence for the existence of anything supernatural. It’s all anecdotes, people’s feelings, or people claiming some as yet scientifically unexplained fact must be caused by gods. (And as for the god of the gaps… did thunder and lightning turn out to be caused by gods? I think not.)

    So I don’t require Odin any more in my life then Yahweh.

  77. This is the worst Chick Dissection you’ve ever made.

    Jabberwocky, what the hell are you doing? People don’t come to read these because they’re Christian, or because they don’t know about evolution and want you to enlighten them. They come here to laugh. And after your long, rambling anger over a Track that nearly everyone in the world would say is absurd, you’re not just preaching to the choir, you’re boring them profoundly.

    After about a half hour of reading, I relized “wait, I haven’t laughed one time since I opened this webpage. And not only that, I’m not enjoying this.” If you want to explain to people all about evolution, become a college professor or something. Don’t waste people’s time with this.

    Worst dissection ever (OK, maybe I might be exaggerating, because you’ve gone on long-winded, not very funny rants before), and has none of the charm that draws people to this website.

  78. I am so a late comer to these… I stumbled on your site via TV tropes. I will say right now I’m Catholic (but not high enough on the ladder to be in on the cool world destroying conspiracy, gosh darnit!) but even so, I have never found it very hard to believe that evolution is what happened. It doesn’t clash with my faith. (And I should note that “intelligent design” makes me want to vomit.) The fact that people argue this so vehemently makes me want to bang my head into a wall.

    Let’s see, moments in here (besides the implied nazism) that made me raise my eyebrows:

    The cat is about to eat the ashtray….

    Frogs to monkeys? How the hell did that happen? I suppose this is how he explains the webbing on our fingers and toes?

    Darwin fights DINOSAURS!!! FILM AT ELEVEN!

    Also, I fear for the Mom that wouldn’t grab her kid by the collar the second he started shouted “I AM AS GOD!” and wasn’t reenacting some historical figure’s decline into insanity. Seriously. Parenting 101 Failure.

    “So, Janet, what’s up today?”

    “Oh, nothing, Beth. My son Tyler just thinks he’s god. And he has t his delightful imginary friend. Says he’s ‘Old Scrotch’ or something like that?”

    “Um, Janet, I think you need to take that kid into a doctor.”

    “Nonsense….” *pause* “TYLER, YOU PUT DOWN THAT KNIFE RIGHT NOW. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO NOT MAKE A FRANKENSTEIN MISHMASH OF THE NEIGHBOR KIDS?! I DON’T CARE IF JOLLY OL’ SCROTCH TOLD YOU TO!” *pause*

    *click* *dial tone*

    “Beth?”

    Yeah….

    And I agree with you with the reason Fundies do good deeds. They’re on a whole so terrified of being fried after death that they completely overlook that doing a good deed for your own selfish reason isn’t doing a good deed at all. No one rewards you for looking out for number one.

    And yeah – I think I can see why this comic got mentioned on the You Fail Biology Forever TV trope page…

  79. “When I was a kid they taught us in Sunday School that people who drank beer;smoked cigarettes and played dominoes would not enter the kingdom of Heaven.
    If that’s true,I’ve been bound for Hell since I was eight years old.”-Willie Hugh Nelson.The Red Headed Stranger.

    I’m Like a Mississippi Bullfrog
    Sittin’On a Hollow Stump.
    I’m LIke a Mississippi Bullfrog
    Sittin’On a Hollow Stump.
    I Got So Many Women
    I Don’t Know Which Way
    To Jump.

    Now Flip Flop and Fly
    I Don’t Care If I Die.
    Now Flip Flop and Fly
    I Don’t Care If I Die.

    Don’t Ever Leave Me
    Don’t Ever Say Goodbyr.
    -Big Joe Turner:”Flip Flop and Fly”.

    Drivin’That Train
    High On Cocaine.
    Casey Jones Better
    Watch Your Speed.

    Trouble Ahead,Trouble Behind.
    And You Know That Notion
    Just Crossed My Mind.
    -The Grateful Dead:”Casey Jones”.

  80. To all the people who think this dissection sucks because it’s not funny enough, I read them both for humor and meaning. It’s necessary to point out how fundies are so batshit insane, but sometimes humor isn’t a good method. I’ve read and enjoyed all the dissections done to date, and had some chuckles and some moments that made me think.

    But I be honest, I do appreciate a good dose of humor in each one. Ah well. Can’t have them all, I guess.

  81. I once wrote a private rant akin to the last paragraph, concluding that God was a monster if he exists. Considering I wrote it in my private Lutheran school notebook and had to go home to my devoutly evangelical family, I never showed anyone… I still can’t shake off the feeling that I’m going to go to hell, no matter how little sense it makes to me.

    Bah. Regardless, renouncing Christianity was probably one of the healthiest things I ever did. (Among other things, it led to me finally realising that I’m a lesbian. Not that my family likes that much… 8l)

  82. The little kid is the best thing about this comic. That is, if you see him like I see him.
    For the first few lines, he comes off as a subtle sarcastic smart-ass to his mother, (who he already deemed as crazy, and has learned to appreciate her insane rambling).
    As soon as she gets done explaining evolution to him, he doesn’t go crazy (as much as those hollow eyes would want you to believe), he’s just found an excellent back-story for his make-pretend session.
    And god, he LOVES to fuck with that Christian girl, because he knows he doesn’t have to get all subtle and witty and can yell weird crazy shit at her, and she’ll just eat it and keep ranting back at him.

  83. ‘You’re being politically incorrect!’
    I would think that the idea of a ‘master race’ of white blonde-haired blue-eyed ultra-strong Übermenschen is more politically incorrect than believing that a 2,018-year-old Jewish guy is God.

  84. For the record, Everything I saw offended both me as a theist and all my atheist friends. The comic being laughed at and the person doing the screaming at it have no fucking clue what it’s like to be a theist. I’m a very devout believer but you wouldn’t know it from seeing me off the street. If you were God, why would you place us in the real world without some example on what not to do? Why would you forgive a huge mistake for no reason? What would be the lesson in that? That you can run up any debt and get away with it? You’re no better the people you mock, you’re just as hateful, and unwilling to co-exist. Seriously, calm down before you have a heart attack….Remember that you don’t believe in an afterlife. If you wear out your heart with rage, you’re screwed.

    1. “If you were God, why would you place us in the real world without some example on what not to do?”

      Because I’ve got style. No need no stink’n example. I’d write the info into the sky in miles high flaming letters.

      “Why would you forgive a huge mistake for no reason?”

      No reason? Whatever happened to infinite love?

  85. “Apparently, this is how this kid’s thought processes work ..”

    In defence of Chick: the kid’s name is Friedrich Nietzsche. Yes, it is a very distorted version, but this is the “logic” Nietzschean philosophy is prone to.

    Are we not the supermen?
    Aryan pure supermen?
    Ja, we ist der supermen
    Super – duper supermen!
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Der_Fuehrer%27s_Face

    1. He’s not so much Nietzsche.
      First, on the front cover, the “monkey” (more like an oozaru)’s tail falls off, just like a Saiyan.
      The kid’s hair sticks up, like a Saiyan.
      He believes in strength and likes to eliminate those weaker, and he believes he is destined to take over the world.
      And, he has a “thing” for the girl who shows up near the end.
      He is really … Vegeta!

  86. Just want to say I feel like Crowley nailed it for me. I mean you put into words how i have always looked at religion in general. But I have to ask, any relation to Aleister Crowley? Lol not that it matters!

  87. Fundies ALWAYS claim that believing in evolution and other scientific theories leads to people doing horrible things because they don’t have any morals, because most of them would do horrible things and ignore morals if it weren’t for the threat of Hell looming over their shoulders. They think everyone else thinks exactly the same way they do, but since atheists (I know you don’t have to be an atheist to believe in the scientific method, but to Fundies, anyone who believes in science is an atheist) don’t have the boogeyman of Hell looming over them, that means they’ll do all the horrible things most Fundies would really like to do if not for Hell. Ultimately, Fundies show a horrible lack of human empathy, and don’t seem to understand the idea that you CAN choose not to do horrible things to other people without having to be threatened with eternal punishment.

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