Chick Dissection | Where Did They Go?

Bible prophecy. The devil is worried, because he knows something is up! What could it be?

Gee, what could it be? ‘Cause, y’know, the devil wouldn’t have access to, like, a Bible, or anything.

You know, I really, really, really hate to say this, and the implications are a little unnerving, but I actually sort of like a lot of the artwork in this one, overall. It’s kind of a remarkable improvement over his last few. The Tract still sucks, though, and is the same level of crazy we’ve come to expect.


“Where is everyone? I invited all my friends to the old ruins for a fecal fetish party, and nobody showed up!”

Is that corpse… smiling? Rigor mortis wouldn’t have set in yet; I dunno, maybe the guy died violently and it’s cadaveric spasm. “He’s gone. After a long and horrible fight, I’ve finally managed to strangle him to death.”

The doctor always feels awful about delivering bad news, so he’s worked out a Señor Wences routine where he tells them with a hand puppet. Really lightens the mood. “He’s gone.” “Oh, no! (Sob! Sob!)” “Aww, don’t worry! *taps body* S’alright?” (Throwing voice into body:) “S’alriiiiight.”

“HOMPH GLOMPH SOB WELL AT LEAST I GET TO EAT THE REST OF HIS HOSPITAL PUDDING GLOMPH SOB GLUMF MMPH SOB”

Chick really seems to have a thing for drawing people and monsters with enormous dildoes coming out of their heads. Though, say what you will, this guy’s downright charming compared to most of the — well, basically anything usually depicted in a Chick Tract, other than Fang.

So, a buildup of stress causes cancer. Jack really ought to alert, yknow, the medical science community, since there’s never been a study done that has resulted in any kind of conclusive indication of a correlation between stress and cancer. While he’s at it, he can also clear up that whole “what causes homosexuality” question that researchers have been puzzling over for decades.

Why couldn’t Pastor Weber have just prayed to Jesus to help ease his worries? I thought that’s part of what came with the whole “personal relationship with Christ” thing.

Is this guy… some kind of… goth poultry? Oh, I see, he’s Demon Big Bird.

I think I’ve figured it out: Jack really hasn’t had any conversations or personal interactions with any other human beings. It explains his bafflingly unrealistic dialog, and also sheds some light on why he seems to place emphasis on words almost entirely at random. He hasn’t spoken aloud with another person for so long that he can’t even remember what speech is like.

“Go sit with the body! I’m going to lick my shoulder for a while until I can figure out what it tastes like.”

“Talk like that is dangerous.” Why? They’re already in hell. There are certain boundaries of torment beyond which any addition to quantity or intensity no longer matters. For instance: “If you keep talking like that, the boss is gonna put twice as many peppered centipedes up your urethra!” I mean, after one or two, it really doesn’t matter much anymore.

Doesn’t this demon recognize a positive situation when he sees it? He should be glad people are suffering loss of a loved one.

“Yes, I — I, the prince of darkness, king of all evil, master of misery, dominus of death, I who could fashion a new world of illusion and trickery to destroy all of mankind, I who am practically a god, in fact the greatest foe of God himself — really, really give an absolutely enormous shit that you were a faithful person. Because this is important, see. All of human endeavor, all of creation… at the top of it all, the Big Picture, more important than anything else, the very meaning of life itself, is this big fuckin’ childish game of Collect the Soul. This is the purpose of EVERYthing. And you helped to defeat me by staying faithful! I hated you for that. Your believing in God caused me SO MUCH TROUBLE because it’s all just SO IMPORTANT.”

Pastor Weber’s family opted for the unfinished coffin, thinking the unstained wood would serve as a metaphor for the pastor’s plain, ungarnished life. They didn’t find out until too late that by “unfinished”, the manufacturers meant “exposed in some places due to a missing piece of wood at the top of the cover”.

The ol’ “fingers in the ears” thing! …wait a second — THAT’S NO FINGER!

I dunno, this guy’s already pretty messed up. Any further “messing” would be kind of a lateral move, really.

He seems bored and apathetic and lazy, but can you really blame him? Thousands of years of this “it’s your job to pester people incessantly” crap would bore the shit out of anyone. Except apparently God and Satan. Think about it: Your job is to go up and, like, I dunno, whisper at people that they should believe in but dislike Jesus, get abortions, enjoy intercourse with people who have genitals that are the same as theirs, etc, for no discernible reason. Angels have a much better time ’cause they get to trip people, but I’m sure that all gets pretty old pretty rapidly as well.

Shit, why not just give up? I mean, what are these guys getting out of all of this, anyway? Is there a 401k plan or something? What bearing does the soul game have on their lives? Just seems like ultimately a lot more work for no real benefit, to me.

Now, see, these people are hideous, but they’re more stylistically hideous than usual. Their grotesqueness seems mostly intentional this time. And, you know, I actually like how this guy looks, for some reason, ski-jump nose and all. And even though the woman next to him looks like the offspring of Barbara Bush and a horse with some rare form of tooth cancer, she has a kind of pleasant cartoonishness about her. It… it actually… good lord, it actually kind of works.

Of course, I have no idea who the fuck any of them are and why they’d be attending this guy’s funeral, seeing as they’re offended by any mention of even the tamest of Christian beliefs. I think Jack’s a little confused, here. When people get offended by religion, they’re typically not offended by the whole “Jesus died for your sins, believe in him” bit, they’re offended by all the “fags are an abomination” and “women should be subservient to men” and “aborting a wad of cells is equivalent to murder” bullshit. It’s like wearing a t-shirt that says “Niggers Go Home” while reading aloud from a Robert Frost collection, and then getting all indignant about people not liking Robert Frost. Come on, Jack, are you really THAT fucking dense? Can you not see the distinction?

Haha, why are they there? I don’t understand! If they hated this Weber asshole so much, why’d they all come to his funeral? And why are they surprised that a preacher talks the same way as another preacher? Just… what retarded plotting.

Nah, Thelma’s too busy retrieving the emergency ham reserve she keeps tucked into one of the fleshy pockets of her flabby cheeks to notice.

SNORT SNORFLE DEAR GOD I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN’T EATEN ANYTHING IN OVER AN HOUR SNORK HLORK

Show of hands: How many of you have ever been sitting there minding your own business when a voice in your ear from an invisible source tells you that someone has entered the room? Okay, now, all zero of you who answered positively to that question, was your response to this “Who?” as though you were having a telepathic dialog with this voice? And did you actually receive an answer? Just… I don’t… gyah. Though, it really wouldn’t surprise me for a fundamentalist to assert that they actually heard voices. In fact, that would probably explain quite a bit.

Oh, and by the way, heaven fuckin’ forbid a person be attracted in any way to someone other than their spouse. “BETTER NOT LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN OR YOUR PORCINE WIFE WILL CHOP YOUR DICK OFF AGAIN”

Yeah, what a moving and personalized funeral this is. I’m sure his family and loved ones were absolutely touched, and much preferred a long-winded boilerplate rant about 3:16 than, y’know, actually saying fucking anything at all about the deceased, even just a passing mention. You know, I think I might be a little offended, too, if this was all a preacher had to offer in the way of funeral services.

Meanwhile, giant sperm rocket down to the earth like tiny meteors.

I have no idea what the lightning over on the left is supposed to be doing, but I’m fairly certain that no real lightning actually does it.

“It could happen TONIGHT. Like, seriously, you guys, it could totally just HAPPEN at ANY MOMENT. I know we’ve been saying this for decades, centuries, even, possibly even millennia, but this time, we’re TOTALLY SERIOUS. God created the entire world just so that he could play some idiotic soul game and then suddenly destroy everything to cash in his chips, sentencing almost all of his creation to unfair and infinite misery. I. AM. SO. SERIOUS.”

Poor guy is still spitting through the hole a little from where he’d changed his mind about the Monroe piercing.

Yish. Okay, these people have gone back to being just plain hideous, now. You could put this woman’s head on a stick and use it to chop wood.

Hah! What the hell…? I think that little guy is the third-breed offspring of a Fraggle, a Doozer and a Gorg. And you know what? I like him, too.

“Being a near-omnipotent quasi-deity that God — a truly omnipotent being — is apparently incapable of just wiping out, it’s completely understandable that there would be something that I — again, prince of darkness, God’s biggest adversary, just unfathomably powerful — wouldn’t know about the end times that some random preacher would, by virtue of nothing more than just believing in Jesus. Why, that makes perfect sense!”

So, I’m confused, did God give Lucifer the Earth, or did Lucifer just take it? This brings us back to: Is God completely inept, completely insane, completely apathetic, or actively malevolent when it comes to his creation? (Which, by the way, if it’s the first three, then there’s no point at all in trying to worship him, and if it’s the last one, then the only moral obligation we have in this regard is to rebel against him with all we can possibly muster.)

Listen, dummy!

Ah, I see, so “Pastor” was his first name.

Aw, and Jack had been doing so well, too. There had actually been some backgrounds until now. Now it’s the Graveyard on the Edge of Forever or something.

“Here lies Pastor Weber | I’ll thank you not to drag your BUTT on my GRAVE!”

Fang! I had a feeling he’d be making an appearance in this one.

I guess what Jack is implying, here, with all this “nobody believes that” stuff is that everyone should always believe in and take precautions against everything unobservable and threatening, because you never know.

“Blast it! I could be here for centuries! And where am I supposed to go to the bathroo — *scoots back, defecates* never mind, found a spot.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring me some Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs albums.”

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… uh… huh. What is it, exactly? It’s like some kind of flying, sentient, bionic Chia-Pet or something.”

It’s either record-breakingly foggy down there, or the town is surrounded by a thick veil of marshmallow. Oh, or else Jack forgot to fill in a background again. I mean, we KNOW he can do it — he did it up to the page before this one.

Okay, it’s cute from the side, but from the front, it looks like the dessicated corpse of Peter Lorre was rolled through some honey and dog hair or something.

Right: Nobody talks about the end of the world unless it’s, like, on the absolute verge of happening, or anything. It must be imminent if there’s a conference about it.

I’m picturing kind of a Midvale School for the Gifted scenario, here, where Satan just keeps pushing on the door, oblivious to the fact that it says “pull”. Which it would — by law, I believe, all buildings have to have exit doors that open outward, after the trampling deaths that have taken place due to buildings (like the Italian Hall, in Michigan) where the doors opened inward and people panicked and nobody could get out. The More You Know ~~~~~*

I wonder how many people prior to World War I believed it described the first world war. Or how many people prior to World War II thought it described the second. I mean, if there’s a World War III, and none of these things take place, will they all change their minds and say it describes World War IV, or will they finally just fucking give it up already? The Bible also says that “nobody will know the time or the place”.

Just so we’re clear: God will somehow go out of his way to magically protect the Jews in Israel, but he won’t let them into heaven because they don’t believe in Jesus. And I guess he only gives a shit when people attack the Jews on a massive scale in Israel and not, y’know, say, Germany.

“I ain’t give no shit ’bout none-a them furrin places. Whuh’bout Amurrica?”

Father Chuck Flankface. Even then, I still kind of like how he’s drawn.

Gee, why could there have been no mention of the United States in the Bible, which was written two thousand years ago, over a century before Europe became aware that the Earth was not, in fact, flat and that there were other land masses to the west? Wow, what a tough fucking question. Gee, why could that possibly be?

The guy in the crowd and the demon a few panels back should have an argument. “No, no, no!” “Yeah, yeah, yeah!”

HOO BOO NATIONALISM. You know, half the dialog in this thing seems to rely on people attending events with topics of discussion they vehemently disagree with.

Hey, where’d that podium come from?

Again, Jack, if you put on a hat that says “Jesus” and walk around trying to oppress everyone around you and be a general dickhead, only to find that you’re pissing a lot of people off, it’s not the word “Jesus” that they’re getting upset about, it’s all the fascist shit you’re doing in the name of Jesus that’s doing it.

Any God who punishes people infinitely for any action — even the most sinister thing a person could do to another person — simply cannot be considered the arbiter of morality. It just doesn’t work. And what the fuck do the Ten Commandments matter if, as Jack so frequently points out, a person’s actions and works don’t matter? What, so God says “all you need to do is believe” and then he gets all pissed off that people aren’t enforcing the Ten Commandments — which are all arbitrary and victimless, mostly thought crime, and partially just a big ol’ handjob for a petty, childish, self-centered and jealous God — at the barrel of a gun?

Nobody wants to “kill the gospel”, we just want to keep it the fuck out of government.

Considering most of the contemporary U.S. leadership — particularly conservatives — seems to hate the U.N., one would think that would put us back on God’s side, in an “enemy of my enemy” kind of way.

What in fuck, exactly, is the purpose of all of this? What’s the point? God makes all of creation, Lucifer takes it over (because God’s apparently a great big fuckin’ incompetent tit or something), and then at the end, nearly everyone is in hell and a few people are in heaven. And that’s… just it. For the rest of time. No point, no purpose, nothing. Souls divided, Earth is destroyed, game over. The ultimate meaning of life is to be a pawn in God’s silly fucking soul-catch game. That’s it. People always talk about how religion is so comforting and all that, but how is that in any way comforting?

You know, come to think of it, if that’s how it all ends, with everyone either in heaven or hell, it’s all a losing scenario. There’s no way I can see an infinite span of time without change or challenge as anything but hell. It wouldn’t really matter if I were getting near-molten ball bearings shoved up my anus one at a time or not, after a while. Eventually, it just becomes the status quo, and the status quo itself becomes the hell.

Looks like Frankenstein’s monster is attending this conference. Maybe he gives a talk later on in the conference where he describes another way that “death isn’t the end”.

Now where’d the podium go? It’s a magical disappearing/reappearing podium. Truly, God is mighty.

So is the devil just stupid, or…? I mean, does he not notice the “before God’s judgment hits” part, or something? Like a futile little romp on Earth between the rapture and the total end of the world is going to really have much of a point.

Hey, it’s Paul Simon!

“Huh!? What an incredible fart! I mean, I intended to shit on his grave and all, but… wow.”

“Wind!” “Water!” “Fire!” “Earth!” “Heart!” “We are CAPTAIN PLANET!”

And then…

Wow, this is the strangest adaptation of Alice in Wonderland I’ve ever seen.

Now, wait just a damn minute. In so many of Jack’s other Tracts, he claims that the rapture will come only after the Antichrist ushers in an era of worldwide peace. So why would there be Islamic fundamentalists beheading U.S. soldiers?

Really fucking convenient, too: This is the same kind of synchronicity as The Last Generation, where — purely coincidentally — the rapture happens just as the villains show up to capture and kill the “protagonists”.

Here’s something I don’t get: Apparently the living will be taken bodily to heaven, but is it the same for the people who are already dead? Do their corpses pop up and meet everyone “up in the air” with Jesus, or just their souls? And why the difference?

I’m no expert on Middle Eastern fashions, but I’m pretty certain Jack has the clothing all wrong, here. By the way, “Allahu Akbar” is a shorter way of saying “Allahu Akbar min kulli shay”, which means, in Arabic, “God is greater than everything.” Because, y’know, “Allah” is the Arabic word for “God”. But Jack’s a moron.

Whee-hee! Flying!

People should do this with campfire horror stories. “And then the killer left a hook hanging from the rear view mirror! And if you’re not careful, then he’ll get YOU, too!” “We’re afraid! We don’t want to be killed by The Hook!” “Then here’s what you must do: Eat a fistful of raw hamburger, fart onto a quarter, then say the name of your most recently-deceased relative backwards three times while masturbating.”

And they say it’s not a religion of fear. Pfft.

This guy could meet everyone “up in the air with the Lord” as well — all he’d have to do is catch an updraft with those parachute-like ears of his. Which makes me wonder: Can people cheat and buy jet packs?

I’d rather just not participate in this stupid little game at all, actually, thanks.

Ah, okay, so you don’t actually have to believe in Jesus, you just have to be on him somehow, and just generally believe in anything.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” “No, no, no!” “Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, don’t look at the next page. Text is so small, you can barely even read the fucking thing anyway. (I never include it because it’s the same thing every time, and there are only so many jokes you can make about centurions.) If you really want to, though, you’re welcome to click here.


Incredibly goofy, self-contradictory, and predictably hypocritical, but a lot more visually appealing than usual. I guess Jack suddenly learned how to draw over the last month or two.

I’ve been thinking about Jack’s distribution techniques of late. I always feel like Jack has the upper hand in that he has all these printed materials for people to hand out. Whenever I go through the Times Square subway station and see the huge shrine to all the Chickanery, I’m sort of at a loss — I could stand there shouting like some moron nutcase, I suppose, or intercepting everyone they talk to who seems to have a serious interest to try to talk them out of subscribing to this nutty, oppressive, invasive bullshit, but that would be more than a little retarded, and even worse than what the Chickites are doing.

So, I’m considering making printable versions of these Dissections, shortened a little and with smaller text, that can easily be printed, cut out, and inserted into the Tracts themselves. People could print them out whenever they encounter a Chick Tract somewhere, take out the staple, slip the print-outs between the pages, staple it back together, then go and leave it somewhere random, in turn. Though, I’m not sure if anyone would really be interested in that kind of thing.

Anyway, until next time, everyone.

86 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Where Did They Go?”

  1. first, woo-hooo!!!!! Great dissection. Chick seems to get really into end-of-times theme recently. Either he can’t think of anything else to rant against or is realising he is old and going to die soon and needs some comfort.

    Also note that when soldier is about to be decapitated he has a rifle nearby. why not try to use it and fight? Even if you fail at least you tried and went down fighting rather then praying to God to save you.

    But love the new demon style.

  2. I love, love, love how the US isn’t mentioned in the Bible because it’ll be blown up, not because it didn’t exist.

    Chick’s full of it, huh.

    It fazes me that he can be drawing these awful things for 40+ years and still not be good at it. Is that physically possible?

  3. When that US soldier is caught by the rapture…
    Surely, since he was being lifted up as the Bad Islamic Sterotype swung, all it would achieve is for him to recieve the sword in the spine, rather than the neck?
    I suppose it depends on the speed, but still…

    And for that matter, why did the BISs leave his gun lying right at his feet? I mean, if I knew I was about to be beheaded, and there was a gun -right there-, I’d at least make an -attempt- at shooting them. It doesn’t look as if his hands are tied or anything…

  4. Hey wait a second, that couple on the second to last panel are Nicholas Cage, Holly Hunter, and Baby Nathan from Raising Arizona.

  5. So Germany (=Gog!) isn’t in the “evil anti-Israel alliance which will be pwned by God” anymore? Did Chick buy a german car or something?

  6. I always try to look for celebrity cameos in Chick Tracts. This week, it’s Orson Welles guest-starring as the preacher giving the “eulogy,” and George W. Bush in a hairpiece as the Fire and Brimstone preacher.

    Also, Crane: I suppose the gun was empty. Even still though, most troops carry a pistol, or a knife, or SOMETHING. Maybe he subconsciously wanted to die.

  7. Maybe Chick keeps putting dildos on the villian’s and demon’s heads because he trying to tell us that masterbation is evil…or maybe he just draws with his left hand while being right handed…

  8. That little fuzzy demon with the snout has to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in a Chick Tract. I want one for a pet.

  9. Re: The Devil

    “I’m troubled about the second coming of…YOU KNOW WHO.”

    I’m surprised you didn’t see a Voldemort joke in there, Jabberwock. Very surprised. Regardless, a job well done.

  10. Soldier: “Thank you Jesus, for taking me up into the sky to live with you, thus saving me approximately one second of agony after which I would presumably have gone up into the sky to live with you anyway”.

    Hm.

  11. Last week I expressed my hope to see this tract dissected soon- and Jabberwock has complied, thanks again for a good laugh!

  12. Chick Tracts are what happen when fundies take the Bible literally and then try to force allegory, myth, and legend to make some sort of literal sense. Imagine what would ensue if scifi geeks Star Wars or Star Trek literally. Actually that made a pretty good episode of Futurama…

    Anyway the Bible was never meant to be taken literally it was meant as a tool to guide us toward some type of understanding of God or truth…

  13. Frank: Well, I’ve come to realize that it’s not about taking the Bible literally for them. They claim it is, and in part, there’s some correlation, but because they’re so absolutely selective about what they decide to take literally, it sort of reveals the trick: What they actually believe in are certain cultural taboos and prejudices — basically all arbitrary and nearly all outmoded — which can be supported by particular interpretations of the Bible, in part because the same taboos and prejudices have existed for millennia. And somehow, we’ve developed this weird attitude as a society that if something has a “basis” in religion, it for some reason automatically demands respect, even if you don’t personally agree with it. Which is bullshit, really.

  14. That rat demon is definitely my new favourite Chick-character. Maybe Jack is planning on making him a regular, like Fang?

  15. I hope Chick makes the rat demon a regular. He was very cute.

    Don’t you think Chick is undermining himself by making the angels mean bullies and the demons cute little fuzzy wuzzys?

  16. Forget the rat demon, I like Satan. He just looks awesome. And I love the fact that he has reading glasses. Apparently being an angel doesn’t guarantee you good eyesight. Or maybe when he was cast into hell he was punished by being given a slight vision impairment.

    1. Well he#s reading the KJV. So maybe the glasses offer some sort of radiation protection from The Force.

      Ok glasses.
      Tell me about “rapture”.
      Do you mean “rap culture”?

  17. The second Chick tract that mention Lord Voldemort. And I thougth Chick hates Harry Potter series.

    Don’t you think that it’s kinda insensitive to talk about resurrection and ‘raising from the dead’ in a funeral?

  18. Hahahaha, “Unforgiven”…I’m not sure what the message is, “Muslims are evil,” or “If you’re black and go to prison, you’ll eventually convert to Islam.”Actually, that leads into the whole “Muslims are evil,” theme quite well.

    I’m seriously digging the backwards logic–being forced to pray 5 times a day on a rug is a sign of a religion, but being forced to go to Church, read the Bible, and repress every damn urge you get, even the li’l harmless ones like “Gee, she’s cute–I wonder if she dates puppets?” is a “living relationship with Christ.”

    Now that I think about that, can you imagine what it’d be like actually living with the Jesus that’s portrayed in the Bible?

    “Sorry Jesus, I used up all the hot water taking a shower.”

    “WITHER AND DIE, ACCURSED FAUCET!”

  19. As though, after this cosmic chess game between gawd and saaaaaaa-tan has been going on for some 6000 years, ol’ satan wouldn’t have picked up a bible before then.

    Thanks for all the awesome dissections. Before decoverting from christianity, I was a fundie and used to read these all the time.

  20. What ever happened to the hairy-legged Handsome Devil (sorry!) or is he reserved solely for the homosexual rants? The Cute Rat-Demon is sweet, Chick does have a tendency to make his Evil characters more interesting than his Good ones, Jesus sort of excepted; can anyone really take Faceless God seriously?
    Have you noticed that Chick never shows exactly what DID happen to Pastor Webber? Is he at the foot of Faceless God’s throne, or did he end up doing a header into the Lake of Fire. (From the grin on his face I’m guessing the latter!)
    You’d think the Grave-sitting Demon would be grateful for a cushy job! Why does he have to guard the grave anyway? The pastor’s SOUL is the vital part; or does Lucifer just have a thing for rotting bodies?
    Distracting people at a funeral, those demons are just shooting fish in a barrel. One thing I’ve noticed, If God’s Message is so vital, howcum there are no angelic characters around trying to get the people’s thoughts onto higher things? “Uh, guys, don’t you think you should be paying attention to this?” The tract regarding Mr. Bishop’s soul at least had Good and Evil squaring off evenly.

  21. Forget the rat demon, I like Satan. He just looks awesome. And I love the fact that he has reading glasses.

    Holy crap, I didn’t even notice that! That’s awesome.

  22. I suppose it is possible that Satan has been left out of the loop since the whole expulsion from heaven business.
    It isn’t as if he is going to be on speaking terms with God any more.

  23. i am going to the pet shop right now to look for a rat faced demon. or a rat and a small chicken to sew together.YEAH YEAH YEAH!

  24. I asked an aquaintance of mine who was around pre-WWII if people thought the rapture would be the second world war before it happened.

    She said no. But then again, she was young at the time.

  25. regarding the panel in which the devil is examining the preacher’s casket: a take-sides wartime scenario is a perfectly reasonable prophetic future for a culture based around conquest and belligerence, like the early Hebrews or the Romans. Still, to allude to the only thing of remotely comparable scale to the apocalyptic wars, it is utterly absurd to think that Eisenhower or Churchill would have been somehow capable of personally insulting the corpse of EVERY SINGLE NAZI SOLDIER.

    By the way, I think your printable chick tracts is a nice idea, but I also think that anyone who has the intellect to enjoy them probably also has access to a computer. Although, if they found one, they might improve traffic here…I dunno. I’m 50/50.

    You should see if you could afford ad space on jackchick.com or whatever the site is.

  26. Since the forces of hell are worried about “You Know Who” and harry potter is the anti-christ: then… VOLDEMORT IS JESUS! It all makes sense!

  27. Regarding panel 15: If Satan, the prince of lies, claims something to be true, doesn’t that automatically mean that it is false?
    Therefore, the UN doesn’t double-cross Israel at all!

  28. re rapture and WW2. According to Bible literalists it couldn’t be because end-of-days require attack on Israel. Since Israel came about in 1948…

    Which explains why protestant fundies are so pro-Israeli, they need it around as a trigger for end of days.

  29. Regarding the Rapture in general: the whole “it’s gonna happen any minute now guys” sort of reminds me of an ancient Chinese mental torture, where you were blindfolded and chained to the wall. A drop of water would then be dropped on your head at random intervals. You would simply go crazy waiting for the next drop. Maybe the waiting has driven Chick and the like insane already?

  30. Can you please do a dissection of “Lisa” at some point?

    It was so very, very wrong that it has now been withdrawn but electronic copies are still knocking about.

  31. “# Kai il-Palazzo Says:
    November 8th, 2007 at 12:12 am
    Don’t you think that it’s kinda insensitive to talk about resurrection and ‘raising from the dead’ in a funeral?”

    Well, so is the song that i’m having played at mine.

    I’M COMING BACK!
    I SHALL RETURN!
    AND I’LL POSSESS YOUR BODY AND I’LL MAKE YOU BURN!

  32. Can you please do a dissection of “Lisa” at some point?

    It was so very, very wrong that it has now been withdrawn but electronic copies are still knocking about.

    Lisa? What was that one about?

  33. Lisa is about a young girl (very young, maybe four or so) who is molested by her father and his neighbor. And then they find Christ and all is well. Chick recalled this one because it was so awful.

    Goddamn, that thing is terrible. “Child molestors just need to find Jesus! And the child won’t have any psychological damage from being molested, they’ll be perfectly fine as soon as they’re told they won’t be molested again! Jesus saves!”

    Damn. And what happened to the neighbour, anyway?

  34. Oh ya, the Lisa tract. Hold on, I feel vomit in my throat.

    It’s about a little girl, at the end of the tract she looks about age 5, whose father is raping her, then he lets the neighbor rape her, then she gets herpes. Apparently the mom knows what is going on, so she works nights so the dad can have free reign. So the doctor who treats the little girl’s herpes, who is supposed to be an automatic reporter of child abuse, instead witnesses to the dad and gets him saved. Then, all is forgiven and the doctor says nothing to the authorities and the parents pray together and promise Lisa they will never hurt her again. I suppose nobody cares that the child has to live with her rapist, her neglegant mother and next door to her other rapist. Not to mention she has to live with a venereal disease and the psychological issues. Hurray for Jesus, Yippeeeee!

    If you think this isn’t a real senario, it hits pretty close to reality. I have known of fundy clergy who have given child molesters a pass because they “repent”. I have also known of those who say that once a person gets saved their sins are washed away and we can’t hold prior serious crimes against thm. It is sick. I have also known of molesters in the church that nobody suspected because they were “saved”. Blech! “Jesus” rarely stops a person with a serious problem from relapsing. So much for “the power of the blood”.

  35. re: Lisa

    There is similar tract (forgot the title, sorry) where guy is a drunk, beats up his wife, ends up in jail for it, is testified to by a preacher, then comes home, pours booze down the drain and all is forgiven between him and wife.

    Not same thing, I know but same point. What you did before doesn’t matter, after you find Jesus (he keeps getting lost, doesn’t he?, somebody put a bell on him so he can be found easily) you are a new man and finding Jesus guarantees you will be good again.

    On a side note, somebody noted (Jabberwock isn’t only one pointing to flaws in these tracts) that catholics look horrible while protestants, sorry, Christians, look nice but conversion improves your looks as well as former catholics look nice as well.

  36. on the other hand, “Lisa” has the only examply of witty dialogue in the Chickverse.
    “Honey, the most wonderful thing happened today!”
    “you got a job?”
    OOH BURN

  37. I would rather jabberwocky not do Lisa. Child Molestation is not funny. The dissection would still be good, but the subject matter would keep me from laughing. I would rather see Jabberwocky do Angels, Death Cookie, One of the anti-muslim tracts, The Nervious Witch, The Tyccoon, or Party Girl. Especially Party Girl, it has possibly chicks worse draw character to date!

  38. What… I’m lost…

    How does John 5:19 prove that Satan owns Earth. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not too good with this whole “Bible” thing, but that passage just seems to be about the Holy Trinity or something.

    And Rev 12:9 just reminds me of Damnation and a Day by Cradle of Filth.

  39. I really would love to see The Nervious Witch riffed as well. Mainly because I am a Harry Potter fan and that tract is just plain dorky.

  40. “Bible prophecy. The devil is worried, because he knows something is up! What could it be?”

    Yes, Devil knows scripture (see Devil quoting same while tempting Christ in desrt) and James 2 “even the devils believe and tremble”

  41. There will be NO RAPTURE, other than at Christ’s final-and 2nd-coming. Trib is for 3.5 yrs, yet again Jack is biblically illiterate:

    http://www.scripturecatholic.com/second_coming.html

    ALso:

    http://www.scripturecatholic.com/zionism.html
    Finally, if America is to bee utterly wiped out, what about Europe, that is even less Christian. I am no nationalist, but it does beg….

    Finally, Russia is NOT Magog:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gog_and_Magog#External_links

    http://www.catholic.com/thisrock/2000/0001fea1.asp
    http://www.catholic.com/thisrock/1995/9510ntg.asp
    http://www.catholic.com/thisrock/2002/0209fea5.asp

  42. Something I’ve noticed with some Fundamentalist types: they have the tendency to gloss over parts of the Bible that even casual one-time only readers can catch. In this case, it’s the devil and his knowledge of scripture. Didn’t Satan quote a Psalm (though out of context) to Jesus when he wanted him to jump off a building?

  43. And even without knowing that the devil quoted scripture, you’d think it’d be obvious that God’s biggest rival would read up on his main work, just in case. Seriously.

    I’m tempted to treat this all as really bad fanfiction.

  44. Of course it’s a battle over souls. Each side needs as many as they can get in order to win the battlegrounds. It also helps if they’re at the level cap and have decent gear. And for Elune’s sake, could at least a few try defending?

  45. That cute rat demon looks like a copy of that little critter with the acorn in those Ice Age movies.

    I have to laugh at the whole idea of Satan attending a conference on The Rapture and then finding it a turn on.

    Actually the idea of “the Rapture” was originally started by a young Scottish Lassie named Margaret MacDonald who said she had a dream that a select group of “believers” would be caught up to heaven before “the tribulation”. Then some guy named Darby started putting footnotes in his bible to promote the idea and it took off. All this happened in the 19th century, not when the scriptures that make up the “bible” were written!

    So when you face someone trying to scare you about the coming Rapture just stump them the following question:

    “So, you believe Margaret MacDonald was a prophet of God?”

    In many cases you will find out just how duped these people really are!

  46. GREAT NEWS PEOPLE! Although the True False Prophet, Pope Jack Thomas the First has “conveniently” dropped “Lisa” from his list, even from his “bottom” tracts that are not usually printed, it is STILL AVAILABLE at the “Jack Chick Museum of Fine Art” (q.v.) at: http://members.aol.com/monsterwax/chick.html
    Hale, Thetan!!!

  47. I think the reason God hasn’t offed Satan before and hasn’t yet is because, well, he isn’t nearly as threatening as one would think to God. Probably the only reason he lets Satan and, for that matter, sin exist and lets these things come to pass is because it’s impossible for good to exist without evil, or order to exist without chaos. Thus, He made the universe an coexistensial amalgation that contains all of said boundaries. The fact that good exists at all, and the fact that time and placement just so happened to be in favor that the Earth would be a planet capable of hospitable life shows that he isn’t apathetic or uncaring. There is no direct divine intervention from either God or Satan really, at least not since the death of Christ. For it to happen otherwise would be tampering with humankind’s free will, and thus, would contradict one of the cardinal things God promised us. Furthermore, Revelations itself is an entirely questionable source of Biblical info, and trying to make any second-guesses or ideas that someone will know beforehand is laughable. This, among other things, just goes further to prove what an unbelievable imbecile and deluded moron Chick is, and I applaude you for your dissections, Jabberworck. Bravo!

  48. I’m troubled over the second coming of… You-Know-Who.

    Ah, come on, he lobbed it over the plate, at least ake a swing!

  49. By the way, “Allahu Akbar” is a shorter way of saying “Allahu Akbar min kulli shay”, which means, in Arabic, “God is greater than everything.” Because, y’know, “Allah” is the Arabic word for “God”.

    Doesn’t mean Islamic fundamentalist douches don’t say it right before beheading people.

  50. Actually, there are links to stress and cancer. There is the JAMA carticle of June 1964 discussing hte low rates or heart disease and cancer in Resetto, PA compared to rest of surrounding towns.

    The artwork is entertaining, but a bit juvenile. Also, Rev. Weber is smiling in his casket like a man right after sex. First for me, most corpses appear sullen. I asked the Mrs. to puta mile on my face in casket if I go first for a change.

  51. 1 Thess 4:13-18 in KJV:
    13But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

    14For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

    15For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.

    16For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

    17Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

    18Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

    NOTE-does not say a rapture at all, the word “rapture” is not in there! This means the final, last, 2nd coming of Christ, period.End of story

    http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=59&chapter=4&version=9

  52. Chick does not seem to know how to differentiate between ancient Israel and the man-made state of Israel now (made by that same UN!)

    There is no “national Israel”, except spiritual Israel, Christians!

  53. Thought-maybe the soldier, had he really been a Christian, would have not been in Arab lands, hence inciting their anger-maybe a little Just War Doctrine next time..oh well, it is USA’s role to die and bleed for Israel.Eh, Jack

  54. I’d just like to reiterate what the sign outside the conference says:

    END TIMES
    7:30 – 10:00 PM

    Now we know!
    And knowing is half the battle.

  55. What really gets me mad is the fact that Fundamentalists don’t understand Revelations isn’t to be taken at face value! It was written at a time when Christians were being persecuted and was basically a way for them to say, “Hey, chin up! Things will get worse before they get better. You just have to pull through!”

    It’s not to be taken literally! It’s filled with symbolism and imagery so you can get something deeper out of it!

  56. What I really love is that the baby – the innocent, fresh, uncorrupted by any human ideas, freaking BABY – wasn’t good enough to be raptured.

    Wouldn’t babies be the first ones to go since, theoretically, even if they haven’t verbally accepted Jesus, they fit all the other criteria? AND, oh yeah, it’s fucking horrible to abort an unfeeling, unaware mass of cells but once they’re born, “Nah, we don’t care, you’re not worth it after you’ve dropped out of your mom. Suffer for all eternity for being the product of the dread FORNICATION and surviving your first nine some-odd months.”

    That just… doesn’t make any damn sense. 😐 My brain hurts.

  57. For some reason, every time I hare the word “rapture”, I think of “raptor”. Which immediately makes me think of Raptor Jesus.

    He went extinct for your sins, you know.

  58. check out panel 12. it clearly says that the dude with glasses is looking at a BLOND rather than a blonde. either jack chick is implying that the husband is gay or he is an idiot who can’t even spell for shit.

  59. As always, this tract depicts the non-fundies as physically attractive as mangled dog shit,the theology as convoluted and nonsensical as ever. But I loved the Jabberwock hatchet job and laughed so much I thought I’d need incontinence pads:

    “If you keep talking like that, the boss is gonna put twice as many peppered centpedes up your urethra!” Genius!

    Small, pedantic point: It’s the ‘Book Of Revelation’ not ‘Revelations’.

  60. Chick’s art is admittedly in some ways good, but I feel that it mostly applies to his stereotypically-designed demon characters. I dunno. They look cute, I guess.

    Don’t really like his artwork in general, though.

    @Jessica : On the note about verbally accepting Jesus, what about the deaf/mute? If God sends them to hell because they have’t accepted Jesus yet, then He’s quite the bastard, isn’t he?

    @The Wally Llama : Great, now I’m going to think that every time I hear that word now. XD

    @Asparagus: Everyone start phoning J.K. Rowling.

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