Chick Dissection | What’s Wrong With This?

OR: Jack Chick Completely Undermines Himself and His Lifetime of Effort

Billions worship some kind of idol. But there is only one way to heaven, and that’s through JESUS.

Hundreds of millions read books other than the Bible! Millions have masturbated within ten miles of a church! Thousands saved fifteen percent or more on their car insurance!

Which idol? Strangely, skimming ahead a bit, this one doesn’t appear to have the “if you watch TV instead of going to church, it means you’re worshiping a false idol” message, but rather seems to be referring to actual religious idols. So I guess those of us who don’t believe in or worship any kind of overblown, mythological fairytale aren’t really the target audience for this one.

Who is? Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, and everyone else who doesn’t believe in and abide by fundamentalists’ specific version of religion. …Including fundamentalists, apparently. You’ll see.

Hrmm, what’s wrong? Wait — I know! That bone should be in his leg!

“I’m getting irrationally angry over the existence of other people’s religious beliefs, the existence of which I should’ve already known about for at least most of my adult life to this point!” People don’t act like this unless they’re some variety of retarded.

What is she, backlit by a nuclear explosion? And why does she have a giant black condom for a hat? And that face — good lord, it’s like like someone shoved a bunch of Mr. Potato Head parts into a half-cooked loaf of bread.

Whether God exists or not, he’s still “a THING“. Either he’s an omnipotent being of some sort (which is “a thing”) or some other variety of entity (which is “a thing”) or he’s a concept (which is still — you guessed it — “a thing”). I mean, it’s sort of hard to get away from interacting with THINGS, regardless of what it is you’re doing.

So, wait, why is any of this shit in a museum? I mean, Fang is awesome and all, but none of this is really “fine art”. I hope none of them paid to get in.

With this goofy expression on his face, I’m picturing this guy repeatedly thrusting his head forward and making nothing but loud puking sounds. Maybe he has something caught in his throat, or he’s about to cough up a hairball — it could explain the bizarre emphasis on different words.

You know, coming from a guy who always has shit at the ends of his Tracts like “are you going to take the SMART path, or are you going to reject Jesus and end up in hell?” this implicit criticism of the woman’s reaction and condescension is rather unconvincing.

Wow, it really pisses this woman off that there are people in the world different from her in any way. “What? You put BUTTER in your Cream of Wheat? YOU DISGUSTING FUCKING HEATHEN

Well, in all fairness, he’d be guaranteed to get just as much back from worshiping that bird (or, hell, an old brick, a sandwich, a garden hose, someone’s lost wrist watch, a dead mongoose, Ronald Reagan, a used diaper, some pocket change, Colin Farrell, a pancreatic tumor, etc) as he would from worshiping Jesus, God, or any other deity. The existence of so much fucking incessant fundamentalist bitching about even the most trivial of “evils” is clear evidence that God isn’t in the “solving people’s problems” business. You’d think he could at LEAST censor some of these filthy heathen satanic godforsaken nipples you can sometimes find on television.

Yeah, nobody in the civilized world has antiquated, arbitrary sets of beliefs that they manifest through adoration of something not proven to have any kind of helpful effect in the observable world. And they’re especially not in any way easily led by objects they unquestionably worship that they made themselves.

Oh, just roll her hat down over her and shove her up an elephant’s vagina or something already.

“And do you know what they did?” “What?” “Well, they drowned. I mean, what else are they going to do during a flood? Jeez, lady, pay attention.”

What’s that kid doing? Does he have some sort of weird, hair-specific frotteurism?

“They put Mexican-style roofing shingles on their shoulders and worshiped large, horned, stuffed, crucified bears made of corduroy that were constantly on fire.”

So… eight people — a family, all related — all fucked one another, and then their kids fucked each other, and then their kids’ kids fucked each other, and so on, and so on, and somehow this was all okay, this big, incestuous, multi-generational humpfest. Brothers and sisters, cousins, possibly aunts and nephews, uncles and nieces, parents and children (look at Adam and Eve) all fucking each other, and it was perfectly fine. In fact, it was demanded by God. Fundies just gloss over shit like this without question, but the second a loving, committed relationship between two people who both have penises or both have vaginas is mentioned, the pissing and moaning begins.

I’m not going to get too deep into the Noah Flood ridiculous bullshit thing since I’ve covered it quite a bit elsewhere and it’s kind of a tangential point in this Tract, but: How was all of this — getting a guy to build a boat of impossible size, flooding the whole fucking planet, putting the animals (billions of animals, two of every kind) into some kind of stasis where they wouldn’t need any food or water and wouldn’t attack each other or fuck or have any other biological urges, then having eight people repopulate the entire human race and somehow canceling out (or perhaps not) all the effects of their incestuous reproduction — how was that any easier than, oh, say, snapping his omnipotent fingers and getting rid of all the “bad people” and their false idols? What an irrational shithead.

So what was the fucking point of flooding everyone? I have more foresight than that. Is God just a complete fucking retard? “Hey, I know what I can do to solve all the problems! [extremely complex aforementioned scheme] Oops, nope, that didn’t help, people are still assholes. Welp, guess I’ll just have to keep being a tremendously cruel shithead to all of them, punishing them for something that was basically my fault.”

Semiramis was also, according to her “biography”, fed solely by doves as a baby after her mother killed herself. Hey, I know! Let’s all believe a bunch of bullshit myths and legends and use it as a basis for persecution of other people! That will make everything just awesome.

By the way, for anyone interested, all this Semiramis crap came about in some theory by protestant minister Alexander Hislop written in 1853 in which he linked the Semiramis legend with the Christian mythology. Yep, they’re strict Biblical literalists, those fundies. All the way back to 1853. Apparently, according to Hislop, Mary is Semiramis, and any adoration or worship of Mary is thereby worship of Semiramis, therefore Catholics who pray to Mary are all pagans who worship a pre-Christian, polytheistic fraud-goddess. Or something. In other news, The Matrix can be easily linked with the story of Jesus, so if you accept Neo as your lord and savior, it’s basically the same thing.

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Apparently all you have to do is call your kid “the sun god” and it’ll make you a god/goddess. Awesome.

“Baby for sale! Anybody want this baby? I’ll start the bidding at fifty gold pieces. Does… I can’t see any of you, the sun’s, like, directly in my fucking eyes, here. You’re all going to have to call out your bids.” OR: “Baby-Toss! Whoever catches it gets to keep it!” OR: “Who wants to drink this baby’s urine? Gather ’round!”

So if you removed these icons and people prayed directly to their gods, would that be okay, since it wouldn’t literally be idol-worship?

Even by Chick Tract artwork standards, those are some really shitty statues.

Oh, give it a rest, lady. NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK. That’s part of the problem with fundamentalists or basically anyone with some religious message they wish to non-consensually impose on everyone else: They actually believe that other people give a shit about what they think, and are baffled that there are people who don’t just immediately listen to them and absorb every bit of superego they project.

Truth is, nobody does. The people they’re trying to convert/control, for the most part, aren’t going to be thinking about what Mrs. Christfuck from down the street thinks about the anal sex they’re about to have, or what Mr. Godcunt would have to say if he knew about that abortion they had a few weeks ago. Even people who agree with them don’t care: They’re all too busy wondering why people aren’t taking their views unquestioningly to heart.

Which, I guess, explains Jack’s little fantasy world, here, where people are all so easily converted: In a perfect (in Chick’s eyes) world, everyone would immediately heed anything a fundamentalist had to say, because they would give a shit about what the fundie thought. This is one of the significant differences between the Chickverse and reality.

Pfft, changes to fit every culture. So, every other variety of religion but this particular flavor of Christianity is just worship of Semiramus. Good sweet fuck, that’s stupid. Inclusion by exclusion, I guess. And, uh, what about not believing in any of this goofy shit at all?

“Haw haw haw,” thought the wicked little urchin, “now I can carry out my ultimate plan of cloning some random old man wandering around a museum!”

Hey, Jack, thanks for making my own argument for me, here: “Why, that’s stupid” for people to become trapped by unquestioningly following and “[believing] their religious leaders”. Indeed! THANK you, Jack!

Old man must have the mentality of a bird or something, repeatedly walking into the glass door. *THUNK* “Why can’t I…” *THUD* “…get OUT of…” *THWUNK* “…I don’t…” *THUDK* “…dammit!” *THWUD*

God don’t need no pen — he writes in lightning, motherfucker.

Uh… what, exactly, is the old man looking for or at? “Okay, Buddha, lift up the skirt: Random junk inspection.”

blasted

Oh, man, it really did blast her. Bitch got totally served.

“Here, lay on the floor with me and stroke the carpet like I’m doing while I quote from the Bible.”

“He’s talking about idols and statues.” WOW NO SHIT HUH

I’m assuming this bald dickhead is some kind of curator or official of the museum. So while they’re sitting here having this retarded conversation, the old man in the back, there, is going around with an X-Acto cutting all the crotches out from all the paintings for his “private collection”. Good thing it’s all just crappy pictures of goofy, stereotypical natives worshiping wooden pelicans, and — what the hell are those, anyway? Looks like… a snowman pole-vaulting, two clowns fucking while standing up, and a gift box on a cloud.

I think Jack is kind of missing what the point of an idol is, here. You’re not worshiping the statue, you’re worshiping the deity/entity/spirit/concept/whatever that the statue represents. It’s kind of a fulfillment of one’s desire for a physical representation of the presence of that figure. People don’t pray to, say, statues of Buddha because they think that the clay or metal or rock or whatever is going to somehow get up or project its will and grant their wishes — they see it as a fucking connection to Buddha himself. Just… JESUS fucking CHRIST, Jack! Come ON.

Yep, that omnipotent being, who can fashion anything from nothing, sure paid a hefty price by having his corporeal form tortured and killed. Scaling this down, if I decided that clipping my fingernails was the only way I could forgive someone for something they did that I didn’t like that was kinda my fault in the first place, it would make me a fuckin’ hero.

Why does this version of the 3:16 panel always make me hungry for slow-cooked pork shoulder?

“but then!

“And on the way up, he accidentally blasted all of his followers with a lethal dose of radiation from the tractor beam from beyond the clouds.”

Yep, building mansions in heaven for the rest of time. Thanks for your sacrifice, Jesus! Now, if you don’t mind, we’ve got, like, thirty million empty lots, here, that need enormous mansions on ’em for all the incorporeal souls, for some reason. (*stack* *mortar* *stack* *mortar* *sigh* “…Me-dammit.”)

What the… I was right! Look at that guy, it’s like he’s inspecting all the crotches in every painting in the place.

GET A FUCKING DICTIONARY. JESUS.

Is it just me, or does the silhouette panel and their positioning therein give the impression of an impending blowjob? Hope she rolls down her condom-hat first. A lot of fundies are reformed something-or-others — never know where this guy’s been.

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If the defense attorney intentionally throws your case because you didn’t stroke his ego enough and in a really specific way before the trial, then yeah, this is an accurate analogy.

“Look out — here comes another hairball.”

“Mmmm, washing things with the blood of a tortured man to avoid infinite punishment. How beautiful.”

If it’s that simple, then what’s with all the “moral guidelines” these fuckers wail ceaselessly about like their nipples are constantly getting branded over it?

That’s right, everyone, it’s an “impossible goal” to be a good person, so don’t even bother! The devil and his followers all want to put an end to human suffering, to CONTROL you! Don’t listen to them! Good works are evil tools of manipulation!

Speaking of impossible goals, how about that abstinence, huh? Yep, fundamentalism sure doesn’t have any impossible goals it expects people to abide by.

And no, it’s not easy. In fact, anyone with a fuckin’ shred of morality would rebel against a God this terrible and cruel, if he actually existed. Making one’s self complicit in this insane, ridiculous, oppressive, invasive, harmful way of living and of interfering with the lives of others is an atrocity that anyone with a conscience would be hard pressed to commit. So with all due respect, Jack: Fuck you, your friends and family.

Hahaha, for a second, it looked like the old man was completely naked save for some kind of neckband or scarf, and that he was covered in tiny hairs. First he inspects and cuts out all the crotches, then he strips naked and sexually gratifies himself all over them.

Er… isn’t fundamentalist Christianity… uh… a religion?

THEY’RE NOT PRAYING TO THE STATUES THEY’RE PRAYING TO THE oh fuck it I give up.

I recognize some of the earlier religious figures, but I’m not entirely sure who the Asian man with the hat and the hammer with snakes coming out of it is supposed to be.

“Meditate on ideas”? What about “accepting Jesus as one’s Lord and Savior”? Doesn’t one have to kind of, uh, meditate on that idea?

Hold on, I’m confused: Why are so many fundamentalists so adamantly attached to all these bullshit traditions, guidelines, laws, etc? Why don’t they allow gays the right to marry? Why do they shit themselves into a tizzy over abortions? Why don’t they want people to be allowed to watch porn and jerk off in their own homes? Why are they so upset when two consenting adults engage in sexual activity outside of a strictly marital relationship? What? The? Fuck?

I mean, I’m assuming Jack’s corollary here is that you should only reject all the laws and rules and regulations and traditions of other religions. But this right here argues against everything Chick and other fundamentalists seem to stand for. How can they possibly reconcile their beliefs about banning gay marriage, outlawing abortion, etc, with this belief that the laws and traditions based in religion are all bullshit chains of oppression? I don’t… I… I just… I… I… I… *brain explodes, implodes, ties itself into a knot, rolls off a cliff, explodes again*

The old man’s kind of down because he didn’t find the crotch he was looking for.

That’s a pretty arbitrary assessment. You could say that about basically any other religion: “This isn’t religion, it’s a LIVING RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD”. Bible Christianity is a fucking religion. Eat me.

What’s weird about this Tract is that this woman seems to share the fundamentalist view nearly exactly, only she ends up getting converted in the end anyway because she doesn’t believe “the right way”, meaning she accepts Jesus as her Lord and Savior and all that but she also uses a set of beads to remind her to pray. There’s this weird hypocrisy going on in that she acts the same way proponents in other Tracts act, but there’s an implication throughout of condemnation of her behavior.

So by the logic expressed earlier, Jack apparently thinks that when people are praying using a rosary, they’re actually praying to a plastic string of beads. “The Lord is my plastic bead — I shall not want.”

So how does this whole “finding God through objects” thing apply to Jack’s whole operation? “It doesn’t count if you’re reminded to worship Jesus by some object. That’s just religious junk. Uh… unless it’s a Chick Tract! HURRR”

“I’m in trouble with God! Just as much as this primitive guy who had no idea who Jesus was! God’s going to punish him for the rest of time regardless! God is truly just and loving. How can I learn to worship this just and loving God?”

“He told her. And the base of her skull exploded. And this is what she prayed…”

*exasperated sigh* “Why oh why did I shit into my own skirt? This isn’t a toilet I’m sitting on! I don’t even have my skirt hiked up. What the hell was I thinking?”

Nothing but faith? THEN FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY WITH ALL THE MORAL FUCKING GRANDSTANDING YOU STUPID ASSHOLE

COME ON


Gyah. This one is… just… I can’t even… wow. So all religious traditions and laws are bullshit. Only they’re not, and you have to abide by fundamentalist Christian religious traditions and laws. And…

I can’t think about this anymore. I’m afraid I might accidentally stumble onto the Anti-Life Equation.

Until next time, if this fucking thing doesn’t give me some kind of embolism.

98 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | What’s Wrong With This?”

  1. Good one Jabberwock, and definitely worth the wait! I can hardly wait for your next broadside. Oh and thanks for a really big laugh!

  2. But . . . doesn’t the fact that she wore a cross indicate that she was already aware that Jesus died on the cross for her? Or did she just have a deep interest in ancient forms of execution? Does she have another necklace with a little electric chair?

  3. second comes right after first! 🙂 yeah very confused… I thought that the man asks what’s wrong with the pagan preying to his idol then asnwers the question himself! MAD…. GIBBER . Also if wh should make no representation of what is in heaven above are planetariums EVIL…. Ach not worth thinking about! I’m off to enjoy Satans birthday!

    PS
    If only faith is requred what were the ten comandments about?

  4. Where to start. Sometimes the fundie bizarro world is just too easy. Might as well go into idolatry vs. iconoclasm. What Jacko does not seem to understand is that the large majority of the approximately 2 billion Christians in the world USE ICONS in the form of statues, paintings, medals, etc. Those Christians all get the idea that they are not worshipping the statue or other representation, but instead are venerating what the object represents, be it the holy family, Mary, or saint whomever. Of course if you pointed that fact out to Jacko, it would only fuel his delusions that only he and his ilk are “true believers” and the rest are fraudulent. That would seem to be the point of Madame Condom Hat giving up her crucifix. I actually saw this tract on the floor in a men’s room at the art museum in Raleigh, North Carolina. Isn’t it amazing how often people relate that they see these tracts in restrooms? Larry Craig doing penance, perhaps? I think (or would like to think) the little kid is going to take that hair to his voodoo shrine and make a doll of the man with the anteater nose. And no, Jabberwock, fundies maintain that what they believe/do/say is not a religion — it’s a relationship, as in: “we are with Jesus-a, can I get an amen-a, hallelujah-a, Jesus-a, God-a, we win-a, the heathens-a lose-a, because they don’t have Jesus-a, they’re gonna burn in Hell-a, but we’re bound for glory-a, with Jesus-a, to reign forever-a.” Of course it’s self-delusional for fundies to say it ain’t a religion when it obviously is, but shouldn’t we expect self delusion from fundies?

  5. “Religon shows no mercy.” Hypocritical little bastard, isn’t he? Minus the garbage about idols, he really does sound like he’s talking about his own cult too.

    “, but I’m not entirely sure who the Asian man with the hat and the hammer with snakes coming out of it is supposed to be.”

    I think it’s supposed to be a Tibetan prayer wheel. No clue what the hat’s about. Chick seems to have gotten methods of prayer mixed up with praying to the object itself.

    All that stuff about ‘traditions put chains on their followers’ and rituals being useless makes me think that Chick stays home every December and cries into a holiday catalogue because his parents never had any Christmas presents for him. Bitter much?

  6. oddly she knows that worshiping idols is blasphemy yet is unaware of 2nd commandment which, well, prohibits idol worship.

    and gift box on a cloud (panel 22) is Kaaba.

  7. “If only faith is requred what were the ten comandments about?”

    T6by: The fundies have an easy answer for that. The ten commandments exist because nobody can keep all of them, ergo they need Jesus. HALLELUJAH! That’s why in “The Gunslinger” or “Flight 144” murderers get to party with the faceless dude while the angel version of LeBron James slam dunks the law-abiding marshall and the life-long missionaries into the proverbial fiery furnace. It all makes sense in a nonsensical sort of way.

  8. Wait, what the hell happened to the little kid? In fact, what was the point? Did he steal the one hair that was somehow kept the old man from going on a painted-crotch-watching rampage? And is this entire museum dedicated to Non-Christian Religions Through The Ages? And the curator.. well, sucks as a curator, because he’s not even TRYING to stop the old man from ducking behind the ropes, even though he’s STANDING RIGHT THERE.

    Yeah, Jabber, I think this tract may actually cause a loss in brain.. thinky.. stuff. See?!

  9. Travis Bickle:

    on tracts in restrooms. On chicks site there is a section “How to be annoying prick” (he calls it Witnessing though) where a lot of ideas how to spread tracts are. Leaving them in restrooms is mentioned.

  10. First-class; frickin’ A.

    So let’s gets this straight.

    The pagan religions have worshipped vaious entities known as “T3H 5UN G0d” since B.C. times. And, Jesus was born to a virgin mother (thus making her important).

    So, when Catholicism was formed, they were conveniently able to make her their new “Sun God” idol to worship. Fuck’s sake, THEY’RE WORSHIPPING MARY, NOT AN IDOL YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

    Would this “idol = intermediate” rule apply to alien cultures (if they exist)?

    (Unggoy: “The Lord is my Arbiter’s helmet – I shall not want.”)

  11. Well, that was pretty plainly a thinly veiled attack on Catholicism, not that I give a shit about somebody attacking the Catholic church; they’re as deserving of scorn as these fundamentalist assholes are.

    No, you nailed it with this one. The real purpose of this tract was to kill the idea that being a born again, fundamentalist, foaming at the mouth christian means that you have any responsibility to be a good person. You will be saved by faith, so good works are meaningless, therefore, why bother?

    This explains how these assholes live with themselves week after week, attempting to legislate their morality on the whole population while spending their evenings in drug soaked marathon sessions with male prostitutes. The thought process is “It’s not important what I do, because I have been washed in the blood of jeebus.” I imagine that they repent and ask forgiveness every time they return from a vacation in Thailand spent fucking an eight year old boy, and everything’s square once again.

    The infuriating thing, of course, is that they refuse to examine their own lives for the reasons given above, but feel that have been given a divine mission to regulate everyone else’s habits. Stealing money from the poor to pay for their air conditioned doghouses is fine, but they demand that you take Harry Potter books off the market immediately. Paying to have your wife killed is OK, as long as you ask for forgiveness afterward, but homosexuals should be at least jailed, if not executed.

    Fuck them, and everyone like them. Fuck them, but don’t ignore them, they’re getting stronger.

  12. I nearly died lauging when I saw that Nimrod guy’s headgear. I still can’t figure out if it’s a phallic symbol, a bannana, or if the guy is part rino.

  13. luxxi:

    Thanks. I haven’t had the stomach to visit chick’s own site. I’m concerned that I might vomit on my keyboard. There seems to be someone in the community where I live who has taken the “witnessing” advice to heart: about twice a month there’s a little stack of these tracts in one of the men’s rooms at the local courthouse. Of course the “witnessing” advice raises another inconsistency in the fundie scheme. If what I do makes no difference in terms of where I spend eternity, why bother with witnessing?

  14. luxxi: Looking closer, I think that makes the one next to it some multi-limbed Hindu deity holding assorted items. Going by the whole ‘worship of a female diety is everlasting evil’ theme, I’m guessing it’s probably Kali. Chick seems to have flipped through a picture book of world religions and picked out images at random.

  15. while it wasnt the funniest, this has got to be one of the best dissections youve done. it raises two good questions. here, chick claims what he believes in is “not” religion, but then, if that’s the case, why the need for fundies to use churches or temples to worship in. and fundie christianity is not a religion unless it’s for irs purposes. you have to remember, organizations that are considered “religious” are tax-exempt, and that includes fundie organizations, which is one way for fundies to make money. and it really doesnt surprise me, cause fundies are among the conservatives who refuse to pay taxes, and if they have to be called “religious” in order to not pay taxes, so be it, i guess. and if fundies dont believe in idols, why do they worship their bibles in an idol-like fashion. then again, some fundies dont seem to need idols, since they seem to have the ability to talk directly to jesus himself, just like the girl on “kidnapped”.

  16. (In response to #14)

    Witnessing is merely a way to try to convert others to Fundie Christianity to make sure that Heaven contains more than about ten or so people, not counting the angel escorts and Grandiose Glowy God/Bail out o’ Jail Jesus. Already almost the entire human race is condemned for some reason or another, damning ~ 6 billion to the fires (Not counting all the dead so far), so if conversion efforts aren’t made, Heaven’s gonna be a sparsely populated place.

  17. “So I guess those of us who don’t believe in or worship any kind of overblown, mythological fairytale aren’t really the target audience for this one.”
    The more I read those things, the more convinced I am that the idea of atheism is something Chick is unable to imagine. That some people is able to live a reasonably happy and fullfilling life without the need of believe in any kind of god, idol, spirit or whatever, is something that has no place in his fantasy world. In the Chickverse most of the people believe in the wrong god (or in the rigth god in the wrong way) but no one is beyond belief. I’m sure Jack thinks we atheist are some kind of myth (that if he’s aware of our existence) Jack, my boy you need to get out more often.

  18. Actually, atheists whorship science and have shrines in the form of ape portraits with the words “our father”. They also have priests in the form of angry college professors.

  19. luxxi: Looking closer, I think that makes the one next to it some multi-limbed Hindu deity holding assorted items. Going by the whole ‘worship of a female diety is everlasting evil’ theme, I’m guessing it’s probably Kali. Chick seems to have flipped through a picture book of world religions and picked out images at random.
    No not really. Look at the bubble at this panel. “Thou shalt not bow thyself before them/…/. Now look at the panel again. What is guy in front doing? Bowing to snake. what is typical stereotype of a Muslim? Praying toward Mecca, on his knees, bowing. I don’t know how hindus pray but I’m sure it involves bowing before statues of their gods. So Chick is basically saying here that all other religions are idol worshipers and as such violate 2nd commandment.
    What I’m surprised is that it doesn’t single out catholics. Chick often rants about how they violate 2nd commandment with statues of Mary and saints.

  20. No, wait! Stunning revelations! This is actually a museum dedicated to Fundamental Christianity!

    Thirteen explanations on how this can be(Without flashback-style panels, as not technically a part of the museum):

    First:
    Man praying to Chicken? Nope. Really, he’s praying to God to bless this delicious bird before he eats it.

    Second:
    Fang: One of the greatest creations of God (not counting Fundamental Adam). Of course there needs to be a picture dedicated to the first appearance of Fang.

    Third:
    Bird Carving: Dedicated to the memory of the newly converted “Former Pagan Dude,” which that prayer to God before eating that bird was part of the act of converting him, hence the bird statue to commemorate this victory over Satan’s hold upon his people.

    Fourth:
    Old Man: Another curator of the museum; the child was only doing unto others as he would have them do unto him, so to say, by waking him up to prevent his boss from finding out he was sleeping on the job. He tried to thank the kid, but he ran off too quickly, eager to do more good. (Though not so he can get into Heaven. Oh no. That’s only through Faith).

    Fifth:
    Buddha: Notice the snide grin upon his face, as he schemes to convert people to his Satan/idol worshiping religion! Definitely a work done by a Fundamental Christian.

    Sixth:
    That’s not Kali from Hinduism; That’s a six armed demon, getting ready to punish some sinners in Hell.

    Seventh:
    That black box? That’s a heretic being roasted in Hell within a flaming tomb, a la Dante’s Inferno. Granted, he was a worshiper of the Queen of Heaven, and therefore damned to Hell as well, but he did make an excellent portrayal of Satan’s villa, still referred to this very day by Protestants and Mary-worshipers alike.

    Eighth:
    That guy next to Six Armed Demon: That’s one of those Roman soldiers, depicted whipping the flesh off of the poor Savior.

    Ninth:
    The Shining Jewel Bedecked man? An artist’s portrayal of the coming Antichrist, and what we should look out for, uniting all religions (other than the True Faith) and all nations under his grasp, as shown metaphorically by the spiraling stars around him.

    Tenth:
    Guy Surrounded by candles? Occult Demon Worshiper, holding a set of bones tied together from sacrificial animals to be used in a ritual for Power! Another painting made to warn people.

    Eleventh:
    Continueing in this trend, is a portrayal of a High Satanic Priest, another of the enemies that one of the True Faith must watch out for.

    Twelfth:
    Damned souls stopping to drink from the River Styx before being funneled into the City of Dis within Hell.

    Thirteenth:
    Hat Dude is a minor demon, playing background music while demons torture the others. And the music? Really shitty as well. Like elevator muzak.

  21. Things this tract had:
    Bullshit
    Horrible drawings
    Pointless panels like the boy stealing the hair
    Confusion

    What it didn’t have:
    Consistency
    Plot
    Reason
    Logic
    Evidence
    What really happens in life
    What Religion means
    What it means to pray to a symbol of a religious figure, like Jesus

    With the whole shit about Idol Worship, he basically said even worshiping pictures is bad. So should we burn pictures of Jesus? He is telling us to worship Jesus, but worship no real effigy of him. Also, why was he destroying Religion. Christianity is a Religion. Is Chick aware of what he is scribbling onto paper anymore?

  22. Of course, people are lured in so they can be proselytized to until they convert. That’s the job of the Man in Black, former Catholic Priest and Pedophile.

  23. I believe Nimrod was hit on the head by an alien rockstar and is about to eject a giant robot out of his forehead.

    And about the pictures, the one besides the Hindu deity seems to be one of those Thai Buddhists you see dancing with cone-like hats.

    On that same panel, did anyone notice a miniature man kneeling before a baby snake/worm/oversized sperm?

  24. This is my take on this which I see pretty often.

    She has a condom for a hat because she is “Fucked” in the head. I’ll call the other character Butt Whistler because the goofy expression looks like a whistling butt hole.

    “”Wow, it really pisses this woman off that there are people in the world different from her in any way.”” She’s not pissed, she’s cumming through her scalp. See the big nut sack hanging on her ear?

    And that kid is thinking about beating a homeless man while his fat momma pays no attention. Oh and Nimrod has a penis growing out of his forehead.

    OH MY. The queen is exposing her baby to Melanoma and there’s a flaming sun on her ass. Bitch.

    The evil boy has pulled a worm from the homeless mans brain and is going to go home and use the worm as a cock ring.

    Homeless man likes tits. He don’t care that they are Buddas boobs either. He likes to play Limbo. How low can you go? And he also likes to look at Buddas penis through a magnifying glass.
    Woooo, you can do whatever you want. Butt Whistler, just do the fat lady with a nut sack hanging off the side of her head already. Even though you consciously know she’s a retarded brain dead idiot with a kid that has ADHD, you can still get to heaven. Golly Jesus said so.

    And thou shall not worship Buddas tits because that chubby funny icon is trying to step in on gods plan of making everything so simple?. Contradict that as being team work? WTF?

    Anyways, sorry to rant. This shit boils my blood.

  25. FIRSTEEEES!!!!!

    Interesting that Nimrod appears to be African-Mesopotamian.

    I believe the common fundamentalist interpretation of atheism is that atheists (any everyone) innately believe in God, but are selfish and don’t want to do what God tells them, so they pretend God doesn’t exist.  The idea of not believing in the Bible as self-proving, or of religious skepticism are completely outside a the fundamentalistic vorld view.

    The one thing good about the comic was the bearded hairy old stud.  Mmm, yeah.

  26. The Noah/Ark story makes you wonder if the reason the world is so fucked up is because we are all products of serious inbreeding and our ancestors were additionally brain damaged from the huge amounts of methane gas that was present on the Ark from all of the animal/human shit. Bible stories really scare me. I don’t know how anyone can read them and find comfort.

    An earlier comment made about idol worship. If anyone went to a Catholic church all you see are statues of Jesus, “The Virgin Mother” and people kneeling and worshiping and praying before them. What is that if not idol worship?

    Funny….every one of Chick’s tracts has people judging other people. Isn’t that also a sin according to the Bible?

  27. Chick should have thrown in a reference to the Great Old Ones or something, just for comic relief.

    Oh, wait, that’s pretty much every damn panel.

  28. @Felis

    Well it’s about time! Hope he’s driven into bankruptcy and whoever wins the bid on his property turns it into a gay nightclub! Then maybe they’ll let him work in the back alley, giving head to sweaty, overweight (and apparently blind) guys for cash so he can try and make enough money to buy a nicer cardboard box for a house.

    I know I’m being an ass here, but fuck if he doesn’t deserve it.

  29. o/` That’s… schaaaaadenfreude! Fuck you, lady, that’s what stairs are for!

    They’ll likely appeal it, but I hope it’ll stick. What a bunch of assholes.

    Felis and Mom: I think Jack’s point (which is really Hislop’s point) is that the Mary/Jesus story is just a retelling of the Semiramis story. And because Catholics so often pray in front of a pieta or whatever, they’re worshiping an idol of Mary, which in turn is like worshiping an idol of Semiramis. Or… something. I don’t know, it’s all a bunch of ridiculous, silly garbage.

    Jack hates the hell out of Catholics — this Tract has some implications of it, but the really heavy stuff is in the Alberto comics, which I’m chopping up into palatable panels for Alec to shred the hell out of at some point in the near future.

  30. God is a jealous god, but jealousy is a sin according to the ten commandments, so therefore god is a sinner too? And since Jesus and god are the same person, then jesus is your defense attorney and judge, which I believe is illegal. Chick please make sense, is that to much to ask?

    Also if the fundies are right I know exactly what I will say when being judged: “Oh your god huh, well I didn’t vote for you.”

  31. So basically, the defense attorney is there to keep the judge from literally lynching you in court because he hates you ferociously.

    This is why we should probably avoid letting Christians onto the Supreme Court.

  32. God needs to be clearer as to what constitutes idol worship. To me, the phrase “idol worship” would imply the belief that an object is a God.

    But if we’re going with a very broad definition of idol worship, then most organized religions involve some sort of idol worship. The Ka’bah, for example, could potentially be seen as idol worship, as could crosses (with or without Jesus) or stars of David or whatnot.

    In fact, if anyone gets organized anywhere for any reason, there will probably be some sort of insignia, as well as potentially a leader whose picture hangs somewhere, and something. This could be construed as idol worship.

    Maybe what God meant by that commandment was that religion should not be organized.

    And, no, I have not been smoking marijuana today.

  33. Oh man, this tract is AWESOME. Evidently the Iraqis to whom we are spreading democracy are cartoony, beturbaned Turks with big honking scimitars, eager to kill soldiers of Christ’s America.

    Hee hee hee.

  34. AUGGGHHH! I think half my brain nearly shorted out reading this tract. I mean seriously, Jack, have you never heard of logic? Why should we accept your exceptions to these “rules” just because you say so?

  35. I’ve just read Chickman’s latest tract and I have the impression that he’s finally gone over the edge. I hope to see this particular tract dissected soon.

  36. Reading Chick’s tracts without dissections below just isn’t the same (also note then when pastor speaks the stand disappears between panels). also devils have whole new look. Oh well….

  37. Hey folks, has anyone noticed Satan’s personal attendant in Chickman’s latest track?
    That thing/being/demon/whateveritis is absolutely cute/cuddly/adorable AND I WANT TO CUDDLE IT! I would adopt one straight away, no kidding!

  38. J-wock, an Avenue Q quote? And it’s not even my birthday!

    “Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken
    Or watching a frat boy realize just what he put his dick in!”

  39. I think Jack’s point (which is really Hislop’s point) is that the Mary/Jesus story is just a retelling of the Semiramis story. And because Catholics so often pray in front of a pieta or whatever, they’re worshiping an idol of Mary, which in turn is like worshiping an idol of Semiramis. Or… something.

    Yes, that is exactly Jackie-boy’s point. And yes, he really does hate Catholics. The whole “Mary/Madonna = Semiramis, so Adoration of Mary = Worship of Semiramis” is spelled out quite clearly in the tract Why Is Mary Crying?

    But my all-time favorite anti-Catholic tract is The Death Cookie. (And wow, is that a seriously f**cked-up tract…!) I actually had a RL copy of this one… I found it on the sidewalk that week that John-Paul II was hanging around in Denver for the World Youth Conference, back in the early 90’s. (And what a zoo that week was! You had hordes of uber-devout Catholics running around, and hordes of equally-uber-devout fundies protesting/”witnessing to” them. They bought anti-Catholic billboard ads along the highways, the local fundie radio shows were in absolute hysterics, it was better than the circus!)

  40. Wait, how did we go from Open-Minded “What’s Wrong With That?” Curator vs. Fundy Bitch to Informed Fundy Curator vs. Clueless, Easily-Convinced Catholic?

  41. ay-men, felis.

    i don’t know if phelps realises how many people are going to cheer at HIS funeral, but.. i’ll fly there from australia to cheer. srsly.

  42. Sigh…  Satan uses breathing to distract blah blah…  It looks like Pascal’s Wager with only one leg.

    And yeah, Jabber would surely make mince-meat out of it, and bake it into a delicious mince-meat pie  However, someone’s already done a parody of that tract preaching the the only salvation form Cthulu is to get eaten first, so I’m guessing that one probably isn’t high on Jabberwock’s priority.

  43. Sigh…  Satan uses breathing to distract blah blah…  It looks like Pascal’s Wager with only one leg.

    And yeah, Jabber would surely make mince-meat out of it, and bake it into a delicious mince-meat pie  However, someone’s already done a parody of that tract preaching the the only salvation form Cthulu is to get eaten first, so I’m guessing that one probably isn’t high on Jabberwock’s priority of dissections.

    Sorry for the formatting error above…

  44. Maybe we could cheer at Ken Ham’s funeral as well. Of course, he’ll probably be buried in Australia, which is his home country. So, I won’t have to fly very far.

    Oh, wait, I’m moving back to England next year anyway. Bollocks.

    Oh, Jabberwcok, when are you going to start on some of Chick’s full blown comics?

  45. Ok. I think I get it.
    To worship a ‘thing’ is wrong.
    ‘Religion’ sets up traps with ‘stuff’ to convolute matters.
    ……
    ……
    just one question, Jack……

    Then why, in your tracts, do you continually hold up the Bible, a ‘thing’, as something to worship as ‘the word of God’, and tell everyone that they must live by what it tells you you should do?

    I think this tract is yet another perfect example of Jack projecting what he unconciously knows is an example of his own ‘belief system’ and behavior, onto others.

  46. So Jack’s declared war on Christmas, and is now dedicated to removing all those nativity scenes from the public square? After all, can’t have those graven images polluting children’s minds.

  47. RepubAnon: And don’t forget the Bibles–it’s just silly religious trash, isn’t it? Why would somebody need a Bible for a living relationship with God?

    1. , I’m not at all defending him or the isesus that some bring up. But, I do wonder if there really is a certain amount of truth to those of us who take them and others to task are held in bondage to fear and thoroughly un-loving. Maybe not for everyone, but I think in the church there is a tendency to put people into camps of Friend or Foe, and if they are Foe, they are subjected very much to fear-filled, unloving accusations that attempt to stamp their words with heresies of long ago, thus dismissing them out of hand.The emerging church started as a reactionary movement, and I see there’s still much reactionary happening on both sides, especially as sides really are continuing to develop within the movement. Jeremy’s post that you link above notes his goals to attach a thorough Pelagianism to Pagitt and others. Is that really theological fair and loving?I think McLaren and others have been so consistently unfairly, and unlovingly attacked, and so rarely healthily critiqued in love, they react a little like a beaten dog might snapping at the hands of even friends who show the slightest harsh move.They have been called heretics, and worse. I cannot say I defend or have even read all the many books, new or old, but what I have heard says they are seeking Christ. And as those on one side raise increasingly harsh and shrill rejections, there is certainly a welcoming party on the other side a progressive theology that is more than willing to welcome their return from a far country with open arms and celebration.Yes, there is a place for honest and open critique, but commentary never exists in a vacuum, and given the last ten years of reaction there is, I think, a sensitivity that comes with both affirming unity in Christ even as particulars may be heartily discussed and argued.

  48. Remeber that panel where the curator is saying that christianity is not a religion, but is rather a personal relationship with god?

    If that’s how the fundies feel, then they won’t mind giving up the protections that the constitution gives to religions, then, won’t they?

    Of course they will. They want to have their cookie and eat it, too.

  49. God may or may not be a thing, but only if you subscribe to a collective unconscious theory-ish idea. Well, the idea of god is a thing, but god itself is a PLURALITY. Which is not really a thing, at least not if you want to get into some really specific definitions regarding metaphysics. Really, though, it’s just semantics, and the idea that it’s okay to worship pluralities but not things is so much more infinitely asinine anyway.

  50. Anyone else notice that the curator kind of inexplicably switches opinions midway through? First the woman is insulting the guy in the painting’s worship of the idol and the curator seems sympathetic and openminded, asking her what’s wrong with it, but then, suddenly, he goes off on this tangent about how idols are evil. What in the world? Why did he do that? Did the woman’s fundamentalist opinions rub off on him, or what?

  51. The lady is rather obnoxious, though I can agree theologically-jesus is the way, etc-one does not normally win over people to ones beleifs being that angry and rude. Then again, fundies always walk into a culture and act like Paul, though scipture is clear not everyone has gift of preaching “Hi, do not know anything about you, but you are all idiots…” Yup, that goes over well.

  52. “they beleived their religious leaders” sort of..like Chick, esp in the KJV-Only movement?? What Chick and is ilk do not know is histroy, the Babylon hx they use is waaay outdated and proved false. Also, Mary is Queen because Jesus is king. Why? Because in Davidic Israel, the queen was not the King’s wife-he had several, but the mother of hte king. Often, a King was chosen due to the mother, not first born. Jesus is king in line of David, hence his mother is the Gibberah-the queen and intercessor.

  53. Why is this guy, so opposed to art, in a museum then, around those darned “idols”, art? Answer-fundies are willing to ignore Bible-about fleeing from sin-to win over mindless converts. Then again, most do not have any culture anyway.

    Yup, throw away the “junk” crucifix and chain, wouldn’t want that to be seen to-oh, I don’t know, make people think and inspire them or anything!

    Bet CHick’s church is plain and with nothing to focus anyone on to help them and inspire them. He forgets that Temple worship, est w/Moses and Aaron was rich and ornamental. The problem was not art, the problems was hypocrisy and men’s interior hearts. Sort of like the first cartoon-Weber’s church was devoid of anything, yet a whole lot of temptation there and blonds/middle age men

  54. Fundies have an Idol-the Bible, treating it not as God’s Written Word, but an idol in and of itself “THe Bible speaks to me”, etc. Esp those in Chick’s KJV-only movement.

  55. Just hunker down, pray a canned prayer and “know” that you are saved, yes, Gnosticism. So much too for most of NT, inc passges about incorporation into the Church (1Tim 3:15)

  56. Love the commentary. Once again, I love how Chick contradicted himself and previous teachings. The pinnacle of the tract was Chick’s representation of Lord Buddha as the mythological Ho Tei (fat Buddha, Buddha of good fortune) of Chinese myth. That is most certainly not the historical Buddha who started the religion…but Chick wouldn’t know that. It reminds me of Fundies who go to church seminars to learn about other religions. They only learn about what they want to hear.

  57. This is probably one of my favorite dissections. The tract here is just so patently ridiculous that Jabberwock’s criticism seems almost superfluous. Every other sentence the characters say can be used as an argument against Christianity, or religion in general. It’s almost as if Jack Chick is trying to destroy Christianity from the inside…

    In the end, it just indicates that Christianity (and most religions, for that matter) require the believer to engage in a complex system of doublethink and crimestop that would make Big Brother proud.

    By the way, that 2nd Commandment bit about no graven images, it would seem that it prohibits any image that is carved or sculpted. That would include crosses and, according to Islam, even drawn pictures. So, to a Muslim, Jack Chick’s just pointed out a rule which prohibits the drawing of pictures… in a comic.

  58. It’s really sad that peoples like Jack,in the past but also in these days,caused and are causing troubles on innocent peoples.Jack,you’re a son of the Holy Inquisition.You are a Crusader.You…are a criminal.

  59. Great dissection Jabberwock!

    Chick says the only way to heaven is through “Faith alone in Jesus Christ”.

    Why is it that the only place in the entire Bible where the phrase “faith alone” appears the words “not by” are immediately in front of it in James 2:24 where it says that a man is “justified by works and not by faith alone”.

    The Bible itself even calls fundies like Chick names when it says “Do you want proof, you ignoramus, that faith without works is dead?” in James 2:14.

    Notice how Jack tried to pass off his opinion as bible truth when he said “And Jesus went back to heaven to build mansions for all those who believe in him as their Lord and saviour”. You could get a Bible and read it until your eyes fall out and you won’t find that Chick dogma anywhere! That is why he did not cite a verse.

  60. What’s wrong with this? That I have a better basic understanding of Catholicism and drawing skills than a man who makes religious tracts for a living. One of the silliest tracts, and so naturally, I love it. I also love how the Ten Commandments are written in some bizarro Sumerian cuneform or something. I assumed they’d be in Hebrew. But then again, could Mr. Chick re-create a Hebrew letter?

  61. Some Satanic Tidbits for you:
    I. The tangled, unscientific nonsense, “The Two Babylons” by Hislop, is an anthropology textbook for Pope Chick and many other Fundy Cretiens. That’s where all this “Nimrod and Semiramis” sh*t comes from. Unfortunately, Hislop wrote his pile o’ tripe in the early 1800’s. Sorry, y’all but anthropology has advanced just a MITE since then, hello? And King Nimrod and Queen Semiramis lived at widely divergent time periods: Kind of like blaming it all on Abraham Lincoln and Queen Hatchepsut!

  62. And we never find out what happen to Kid with Hair and Old Guy Who Looks at Crotches! I feel ripped off.

    Also, I love how the woman starts off on an arrogant tirade of accusation but by the end seems to have forgotten why or that she was the one to start it off.

  63. All gods were created by humans, to help them understanding the world. When the early humans came down from the trees they didn’t think ‘where did I come from’ and they did through ‘what can I eat’ or ‘is that animal going to eat me’.

  64. I’m amazed how Jacko always manages to make God look like a douchebag who only wants people to pump his ego. Soecuakkyt the whole “I’m a jealous God” thing. Whoops! That means God is NOT prefect!

    Jack Chick’s God: The God of Hate and biggotry.

  65. This is a little late and I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned, but I think that little kid bothering the sleeping hobo is the same ADD kid with no nerve function from The Little Ghost or whatever that Halloween tract was called.

  66. Fucking Jack Chick is a stupid Baptist Propagandist, attacking other religions out of his own fucking ignor-AHHHHHHH!!!!! I JUST CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS SHIT!!!! WHY WAS’NT THIS FUCKING STOOGE ABORTED!!!! IF THERE IS A MERCIFUL FUCKING GOD, MAY HE STRIKE DOWN THIS BAPTIST SHITHEAD!! MAY HE DESTROY THIS HATEFUL,IGNORANT FUCKING DIMWIT!! Okay okay, cool down, i’m gonna listen to some Alice In Chains, “YEA NA NA, IGNORANCE IS SPOKEN, YEA NA NA…SPO-WHOA-WHOA-KEN,YEA NA NA, ARROGANCE IS POTENT, YEA NA NA, PO-WHOA-WHOA-TENT, YEA, WHAT I SEE IS UNREAL”

  67. Um… idol worship isn’t the second commandment, it’s part of the first. The first commandment states to not worship or make any statues of other gods other than God. So by that standpoint, it’s alright to make idols, just as long as they are idols of God. The second commandment is “don’t take God’s name in vain”. What exactly that means I’m not sure.

    At least that’s how it is in the Catholic and Lutheran faith.

  68. Two main strange points in this one besides the fact that condom-lady begins outraged by idol worship and for a split second I thought the she was the fundamentalist and the curator was going to be a non-fundamentalist, open-minded, educated world religion expert who would teach her to be tolerant. But no. (Still not really sure what the point of their conversation was in that case)

    Moving on, how is it possible that Chick believes that people actually pray to the idol rather that the deity behind it, and yet it is so easy to accidentally worship real demons. The “Occultic symbols” on a Masonic apron somehow mean the any involvement in masonry is direct worship of Baphomet. Playing D&D is suddenly “intense occult traing” with “the real power”. How do I know where to find the line between harmlessly worshipping a Dr. Pepper can that can’t hear me and unwittingly praying to a demon that will take over my home and wreck my family? Another thing, if it’s the first option, why would God care?

    Second point: So apparently worship of Semiramis and her baby was changed to fit every culture, including Mary and Jesus right, so you’re saying its all just different versions of the same story passed down for generations. No, normal rules about religious stories being gradually changed versions of (possibly) real events apply to Semiramis, but when it comes to Jesus? Totally real exactly as it states in the Bible, don’t question it. A mother and son idol existed for a bunch of cultures already, but Mary was real and so was Jesus. Ok, so when people paint a picture of Mary and baby Jesus and for people to, a wire gets gets crossed somewhere and everyone ends up worshipping Semiramis instead because they look so similar, sorry for your inconvenience. If they say the Bible describes literal, factual events, than Mary is in no way related to worship of a pagan false goddess, or whatever, so then… Ok, I give up… I have no idea. Great on the dissection, as always.

  69. Page 8: “[C]hanging forms to fit into every culture”

    Ye gads, Chick must’ve seen Zeitgeist, too. That movie pissed me off so much: clearly, since most religions are going to have abstract similarities of some sort, they all MUST be a giant Jewtholicinatimason/garden club conspiracy to control the universe! Even if the director of that movie didn’t have it in him to randomly insert his own virtually nonexistent mythology into existing tests (in layman’s terms, lying,) some genius would still have come to this conclusion: “Well, one religion has a god in it…and another religion has a god in it…they MUST be similar!”

  70. Another great riff of an even worse-then-usual tract– This one really takes the cake.

    By the way, I think the little Asian dude is supposed to be Daikokuten, and that hammer is the mythological golden mallet that allows its holder to become taller at will.
    But if that is the case, then that suggests WAY more research then Chick has ever done for a tract… Hell, more research then Chick has ever DONE.
    (Humorously, one of the most well-covered historical events involving Daikokuten is that people believed they could earn prosperity… by stealing idols of Daikokuten.)

    Keep knocking them down, man.

  71. You know, this tract really should have been sub-titled ‘suitable for retards, halfwits and knuckle draggers’. Jack’s really excelled himself with this one. For a start, the woman in the first panel with a face like a sack of potatoes shouting, indignanty “Thats disgusting!”. You would think she’d seen a picture of a vagrant flashing his dick at bunch of eight year old girls, not a harmless illustration of some native praying to his gods.And the museum curator, initially insisting there is nothing wrong with it, only to suddenly change his tune and become the worst kind of fundie. What a crock of shit this is. Jack displays his hatred and intolerance of Catholicism (just for once) quite blatantly here. And, Jack, don’t you think it would be just ever so slightly unfair for God to send the native with a bone through his nose to hell for eternity, simply because he’d never heard of Christianity, and especially, never garbled the magic words and ticked the boxes in the back of your shitty little tracts? Oh, and what about all the millions and millions of people who lived before Christ was even born? What did, or will, happen to them?
    If you want to see a Chick tract at it’s most intolerant, try ‘Flight 144’. Briefly, it tells the story of an elderley man and his wife who have been missionaries for fifty years, caring for the poor and sick in third world countries. They die in a plane crash and end up stood in front of that familiar sinister robed figure Chick calls ‘God’.And guess what? That’s right-they are sent to hell because they weren’t Chick-style fundies.They weren’t ‘saved’ you see, and hadn’t ticked the boxes, chewed the carpet and grovelled with the magic words.This arrogant, faceless and callous arsehole sat on a throne, who supposedly had kids sat on his knee on earth, has them thrown over that cliff into a sea of flames-that final scene Chick must draw in his sleep.And why? Because they tried to get to heaven on ‘works’ alone. And yet in another, withdrawn tract, a father persistently rapes his six or seven year old daughter, gives her herpes, gets found out and prays to Jesus and all is wonderful .That’s it with fundies isn’t it? Rape children,be a total arsehole to other people, but as long as you stick a metal fish on the back of your car and say the magic words, Jesus will give you a mansion in heaven. Aaaaarghhhhhh! Excuse me, whilst I rip out my hair and go and throw up my ringpiece!!!

  72. Oh, and has anyone seen the Chick film “Light of the World”? I haven’t-yet-but I have seen ‘stills’ from it, although it is made up from over 360 colour paintings. Some of them, in all fairness, are very good artwork whoever painted them. Inevitably, there are scenes of the lake of fire, which appear to have been a labour of love for the artist.One shows a sea of what looks like lava, leaping flames on the horizon, half submerged sinners, and surrounded by gigantic, hideous demons.It is a fantastic picture to be honest, and would have made a great album cover for the likes of Slayer or Judas Priest. But the million dollar question is, why would God be sooooooo offended by we tiny, minute gnats to treat us like this for eternity? Even fundies struggle to answer this and tie themselves in knots. Seems a tad unfair to me that anyone who doesn’t chew carpets, blab the magic words but otherwise believes in God and tries to do their best will end up in this place-according to fundies. Just what satisfaction would he gain from this anyway? Shit, if this is what Christians call “love”, I dread to think what God’ hate is like.

  73. I think buddy boy Jack’s trying to act like he’s “tolerant” in this tract.Epic fail,Jack,you made me hate you further.
    I am praying(can Atheist pray?)that someone hacks into Chick Publication’s site.If God wants to prove to me he exist,how ’bout he make himself a little useful?

  74. I’m confused. At first, witness-guy seems to be objectively explaining how religion is actually a physiological need for many people. But then he goes on to say that it is wrong, and those people will burn in hell.. wait, wtf? So he’s actually just going on a long-winded, confusing explanation of how he AGREES with the lady?

    And somehow, you cannot “accept ” Jesus if you use a rosary. I kind of thought it was like a BFF necklace with Jesus or something like that. I mean, wasn’t she already praying? Maybe she thought it was like a wish bracelet with a t on it.

    Wait, God is jealous? and angry? God HIMSELF is a fuckin sinner. What a hypocrite.

    As you said before UMMM NOMM UMFFF UMGGG THIS IRONY IS SURE FUCKIN DELICIOUS UMMM NOM UMHHH pretty much describes the entire tract

  75. i don’t see WHY “Christian” people are so pissed off about the fundie Mormons fucking each other, even little children (granted, it is indeed pretty messed up) when in the bible precisely this happens, more so in genesis in general, but in the aftermath of the flood in particular. i mean, nowhere does it mention that god created more adam and eves, so what’s the logical way of repopulating the earth. and yeah, it’ kinda a racist joke, but i think the yokels up in west Virginia are actually worshipping god the right way, what with tapping their own cousins and stuff.
    on an unrelated note i like the name nimrod so much that it’s gonna be my prospective porn name. get it? nimROD? (Butthead-style laugh in the background)

  76. The dude explaining all the bull seems a bit too evil-looking to me. Any notice how JTC is also the screenname of Kamen Rider Strike from KRDK?

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