Chick Dissection | The Chaplain

This soldier learns that it’s not what you know that gets you into heaven. It’s WHO you know… Jesus!

After all, God loves a smug, anti-intellectual moron.

This is the kind of shit that gets us “I… I never thought about it, Whoopi. Is the world flat? I never thought about it. I tell you what I’ve thought about. How I’m going to feed my child […] how I’m going to take care of my family. The world, is the world flat has never entered into, like that has not been an important thing to me.”


*PT-DOINK*

“Ho ho ho! Fire on the infidels! They’re on my naughty list!”

They’re all fighting over whose dialog is less natural.

“Hey, guys, let’s stand up and wave our guns over our heads and make a big scene so that we’ll be obvious targets for our adversaries!”

So, the Islamic jihadists are firing rockets, but it’s bullets that are whizzing by.

Wait. What? So, fundies can pray for and subsequently be granted sandstorms? Bitchin’. I really wonder sometimes if they’re actually capable of such a powerful level of delusion that they can convince themselves that things like this really do happen. If such were really the case, why don’t they all just band together and, say, pray for an endless power outage at an abortion clinic or something?

Of course, considering it’s likely they pray nearly incessantly for every little thing that could possibly happen, the statistical likelihood of their prayers coinciding with a favorable outcome are increased dramatically. That is, if they pray every morning for clear traffic, and/or that their children will come home from school safely, and/or whatever else, they’re more likely to have their prayers “answered” more consistently than if they only pray once for one large, unlikely thing. Of course, there’s no divine intervention involved, it’s just that statistics are on their side, and humans have a bad habit of being impressed by seeming successes while dismissing the failures (which is part of what makes them so susceptible to cold reading and other “psychic” tactics). And if something happens where the prayer goes “unanswered”, it’s just that it “wasn’t God’s will” or whatever other excuse.

ZING You can’t really see it here, but the other bullets that have been passing by have been going BUUUUURN and OH, SNAP.

Oh, ouch, the dude on the left was just shot through the jaw. I think. It’s hard to tell with all these lines. I know Jack is trying to indicate “bullets are going through the air”, but it ends up looking more like “everyone is using laser sights” or “oops, our ammunitions guy fucked up and ordered us nothing but tracer rounds”.

“The sand is blinding me! The goggles, they do nothing!”

I like that it took God ten fucking minutes to whip up a little bit of wind. What, did he have to tickle a butterfly on the other side of the planet or something? “God, we need help urgently!” “Yeah, uh… I’ll get right on it. Hold on. Lemme just get to a save point, here. You guys can withstand… oh, about ten more minutes’ worth of casualties, right? Sorry, it’s just… boss fight. You know.”

What a smug fuck.

“Benny, look what God did for us! He got us into this horrific, pointless war with a country that had nothing to do with the terrorist attacks we’re supposed to be seeking justice for, where nobody has laid out any conditions for success, and where we seem to be consistently losing while accomplishing none of the ever-shifting and laughably tenuous goals we’ve had throughout this depressing fraud. Oh, and then there was a sandstorm ten minutes after I prayed. Isn’t God awesome?”

The U.S. military is getting so desperate for recruits that they’re apparently now accepting horrible mutants with six-inch thighs, small lumpy asses, and eggplant heads.

It’s not even a “freak” storm. It’s just a storm. Weather happens.

Oh, no! They got Max! Nooooooo!

“So, is Max in heaven?” “Nope, he died in his sins.” “But what about all the troops he saved that time a few months ago, when he risked his life to disarm that bomb? And what about that little Iraqi girl he rescued from that well in that small town near Baghdad?” “Nope. Sinner. Nipples branded hourly for the rest of time.” “But you’re going to heaven?” “Yes.” “But you’ve killed six people with friendly fire this month. And you raped all those women before finding Jesus in jail.” “Doesn’t matter. God only cares about blind devotion and praise. It’s… it’s this thing he does.”

“Is this Jesus guy some big deal up in heaven?” I just… I don’t think there’s anything I could possibly say to mock this line any more than it already mocks itself.

Oh, come on. There is nobody who isn’t retarded who could possibly believe that there’s an entire major religion based solely around “a Jew” who was crucified by “some guys” for “writing the Bible”. Even if he doesn’t know what the Bible is, it’s odd that he’d just sort of assume it would be normal for “some guys” to kill “a Jew” over writing it. There’s some kind of importance in there somewhere that he’s just kind of glossing over without even questioning it or showing the tiniest scrap of curiosity. One would think that at some point he’d have asked himself “well, why did some guys kill a Jew over the Bible?” It’s just… so stupid. Chick is usually pretty goofy about his “DURR WHAT IS A JESUS” shit, but this is really pushing it.

He looks like he’s gargling a light torrent of post-nasal drip.

Everyone get a good look at the titular chaplain’s birdlike visage, here, because we’re not going to be seeing him again for another ten pages.

Is he about to tickle Benny’s chin? “Coochie coo! *skritch skritch* Hey, little guy, you wanna hear about Jesus? *skritch skritch* Huh, little buddy? Tickle tickle!”

This one has even more unusual emphasis than many of his other Tracts.

“Wow, anything that in any way challenges anything I’ve heard anywhere else is strange and terrifying!” How does this end up overriding what he heard on TV? If he watched or ended up being told something else after this that said something entirely different, would he be “scared” by that as well and end up believing it? Like, “Benny, your friend the Preacher was wrong. Jesus didn’t create the universe, Ted Danson did. He sees everything you think, even in your dreams!” “You’re scaring me!”

What’s with this guy’s facial expressions? Now it looks like he’s trying to swallow his cheek, or make his lips touch his ear, or like he found something really tasty on the inside of his cheek and is trying to lick it all off.

How fucking boring. That’s hell in itself, having to sit there watching every day of school, all those long soul-crushingly dull days at that temp job I had… goddamn. I hope there’s a fast-forward button. How does this work, by the way? Is it mandatory that people watch everyone’s boring fucking life? It seems like the point is that there’s some element of humiliation involved, but it doesn’t really work if everyone would much rather, you know, enjoy themselves in paradise than stand around watching every time some bland old douchebag went to work, watched TV, went to the bathroom, jerked off, etc.

I think the classification system here is a little broken. Anything you don’t want other people to know about is a sin? So, say, if you “don’t want anyone to know about,” for instance, your fear of spiders, or that you’re an adult who still wets the bed, or your computer password, or that sometimes you retreat to the basement and cry because you’re incapable of pleasing a woman, or whatever else, that’s a sin?

It’d be a lot cooler if that was a tiny helicopter and it was coming in for a landing on the top of his head. Too bad they’re not in the Air Force, because then this one could’ve been all about B-b-b-benny and the Jet– nevermind, no, I am so, so sorry.

The mere mention of Tex Wilson turns this guy into a giant, blubbery, buttery, sweating troll. I picture him grunting a whole lot and making a bunch of incoherent, guttural gargling noises. “HURGLARGARRRAGRARR! I HATE HIS LOUSY GUTS! GLURGLGLARRRG!” Seriously, what the fuck did Tex Wilson ever do to this guy to piss him off this much?

It’s amusing that a whole nickel is all that stands between this guy and pummeling the life out of his worst enemy. I know it’s supposed to be a kind of hyperbole, but it’s just such a stupid and unnatural piece of dialog. What would the five cents do for him? It certainly wouldn’t offset the cost of any legal repercussions or anything. It’s just such an insubstantial sum that it’s basically irrelevant. Though, it’s possible this takes place about twenty years in the future, where we’re still fighting the war in Iraq, and the U.S. economy has become so spectacularly horrid thanks to neoconservative financial policies that five cents is the equivalent of several million dollars or something.

But you don’t have to kill that stinking rat, Benny — Tex Wilson died in 1946 at age 45, his only notable accomplishment apparently playing in the Major League for two whole weeks.

Hah! Well, that’s nice. “As rotten as you are, he really loves you. You rotten fuck. Look at you, you shitty little worm of a man. You’re fucking despicable. But God loves you.”

This guy really has problems. No wonder he’s so vulnerable to cultlike “we embrace you, blemishes and all” tactics.

This is the second Tract I’ve done so far where there’s been this weird emphasis on the smell of the stable. I mean, though physically embodied, he’s supposed to be God — is the tangy aroma of animal shit really going to bother him? Are we supposed to feel like it was somehow some kind of sacrifice because the place smelled bad? Does it make someone a better person if they transfer at the smelly 53rd and Lexington subway stop?

That’s not a nose, there’s a gnome with huge boots living inside his head, kicking out the front of his face.

You know, I’m wondering if there’s some kind of correlation between the gigantic noses Jack always draws, and the obsession with the smell of the manger.

What’s worse, a young Albert Finney swatted at him with a giant whisk covered in chocolate cupcake batter, and he was tied up so he couldn’t lick any of it off!

And Jesus allowed it to happen!” Yeah, but, uh, why? Why was this so much easier than God just saying “welp, I know I put the tree there, and it was kind of stupid of me, but you guys still disobeyed which kind of grates on me a little, but you know… let’s just put that all in the past. Can we be buds again, you guys?” And how does this even make anything better, anyway? How is “we brutally tortured and murdered the physical embodiment of God” somehow more acceptable an action than “crap, we ate that apple we weren’t supposed to”? Further, how is the latter a solution to the former?

Plus, it’s obvious that both of these huge “fuckups” were orchestrated by God, or that he was chiefly responsible. For starters, why put that tree there, and then make people incredibly stupid — even more so than even the dumbest people today, which is already fucking profound levels of stupid — and incapable of knowing that what they were doing was wrong? If you create people without a sense of right and wrong, and then tell them “eating from this tree is wrong”, how do you expect them to interpret that, let alone obey your instructions? And if it was Jesus who created everything, as Jack claims, then his existence as savior was predicated upon the fall of man, so it was a given from the start.

And then when we get to Jesus and the whole “salvation” thing, in order for that to come to the desired fruition, man had to murder Jesus. So unless God wanted this bizarre little plan of his to fail, the events set in motion had to ultimately lead to the crucifixion. Otherwise the whole thing was a bust.

So, uh, someone explain to me again how a) any of this was the fault of humanity, and b) God somehow isn’t an enormous, insane dickhead?

Er… if Jesus was God… wouldn’t he have already had a “glorified body”? Or… bah, whatever. Fuck it, I really don’t care.

“And if I… hold on *sniff sniff* What’s that smell? It smells… *sniff sniff* It smells like… like durian and unwashed scrotum. *sniff* Oh God! Oh, God, it’s my mustache! Does… *sniff sniff* Does anyone have any… I dunno, hand sanitizer or something? Good sweet fuck, how did that happen?”

“Everybody into the… into… into the… ook! Ook-ook! Ook ook ook AAAAAK-AAAAAAAK! AAAA-AAAA-AAAAK!” *chest thump* *shit-toss* “…trucks.”

Hahee! It’s the war movie cliché “dive on the grenade” bit. Mythbusters recently demonstrated that this is only all that effective for protecting the people further away from you — anyone else nearby is going to get pretty torn up as well. So you see that guy there in the background? His ass and legs would still be shredded into some kind of horrible, pulpy muscle salad.

Now, are we supposed to dislike that the chaplain isn’t enthused about being prodded to the front lines of a ridiculous and unjustified war?

You know, I think this could solve a lot of problems: Religious fundamentalists being used as cannon fodder because the rest of us are “not ready” to die yet. Why aren’t there more fundies running around like superheroes taking bullets and knives for people and then trying to spiritually save the would-be victims with their dying breaths? Come on, people — money, mouths, get to it.

He’d be quite a bit more fucked up than that, by the way. There’d certainly be more damage than a bloody nose and some light burns.

The chaplain looks like he’s playing a kazoo that’s been shoved up his nose.

Fang! What’s Fang doing at a military base in Iraq?

I think maybe Jack has somehow developed a neurological disorder where he confuses noses with footwear or something.

Grr. You know, it’d be really, really nice if for once — just once — Jack had an antagonist who wasn’t a peevish, cowardly, arrogant shitclown. The sad thing is, I imagine this tactic is actually successful in some cases. That is, that there are people stupid enough that they form their opinions and personal beliefs by getting drawn into the ridiculously unrealistic characterization. “This guy is a total jerk, and he doesn’t believe in Jesus, therefore if I don’t believe in Jesus, I’d be a jerk, too!” or some equivalently ridiculously broken way of thinking.

I want to edit this so that all the chaplain’s speech bubbles say “buk-buk-buk-BUK-buk-BUK-BUK-buk-bukAAAH!” instead.

Well, yeah, there are many other faiths in the world, so it’s hard to really say for certain which one is necessarily “right”, if any of them. Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Mar — wait, what the fuck? Mary? Mary? Oh, right, this is Jack’s goofy-assed pet issue with Catholicism. You know, I actually grew up in a Catholic church, when I was a kid, and I don’t remember once ever, like, I dunno, worshiping Mary as a god or something. I’ll address the weird, paranoid Catholicism stuff more in one of Jack’s anti-Catholic Tracts, and Alec is working on the Alberto stuff, but for now, just… does anyone with even a modicum of objectivity who studies world religions place Mary on par with Buddha and God/Allah? (Speaking of: Someone needs to inform Jack that “Allah” is Arabic for “God” one of these days.)

Wow, what comforting and healing services this guy provides. Definitely someone you’re going to want to have on the front lines, contributing to the morale of your soldiers. “Your friend — you know, the one who just died — was a fraud and a liar. Anything else I can help you with today? I’ve got some Kleenex here if you want, though you’re probably just faking crying, you fucking phony.”

And like always, his dopey, confused expression has been magically transformed by the power of Jesus into some high-quality smugwear.

HOLY SHIT LOOK OUT THERE’S A GRENADE GOING OFF BEHIND Y– oh, never mind, that’s just the radiating flatulence power of the Lord.

“You know, Benny, you’d be a lot more attractive with breasts out to about here…”

Nobody. Acts. Like. This.

“[He’s] praying for [him] anyway?” Praying for him to what, move to the back seat?

“Something wrong, chaplain?” “Yes! Why are the seats pushed so far forward? My nose is practically touching the windshield. And what the fuck happened to the back of the truck?”

“The unit is on the move” is my new euphemism for getting an erection, by the way.

Goddamn; it was a small thermonuclear land mine, apparently.

Ah, well, looks like Benny wasn’t a believer long enough for his prayers to manifest themselves in physical alterations to reality — the chaplain never did move to the back seat. Of course, maybe it just hadn’t been ten minutes yet. God was occupied reading on the toilet or something.

I don’t quite get why people pray for physical changes, or why God should grant them. After all, it’s not this lifetime that matters, right? So why even bother trying to make life better for anyone, if all that matters is whether they believe in Jesus? Right?

“*cough cough* *swat swat* Uh, you guys will have to excuse all the smoke, I, uh… I tried microwaving a burrito back there in the kitchen, and the package said three minutes, but I dunno, I spaced or something and read it as thirteen minutes. So, uh, yeah. As you can see, kind of a mess. But, y’know, learned my lesson for next time. Anyway, welcome to heaven, thou who didst believe. Just, uh, open up your window when you get to your room and it should help air the place out.”

Wait, what about the whole “play your sins for everyone on a big screen for everyone to watch” thing? Was that just, like, predictably eating up too much time for everyone or something?

Looks like he forgot to include a third option:

or

Will you actually just not believe in God or Satan or any of this goofy nonsense?

There, Jack, fixed that for ya.


I only just realized how absolutely fucking tragic all these Tracts are. Nearly every one, including some of the “for kids” ones, seems to include death, often of an untimely variety. In this one, a bunch of soldiers get blown up by a land mine. (Strangely not an IED — not sure what to make of that.) The way Chick treats the real tragedy of losses of lives as insubstantial in comparison to the location of one’s afterlife is more than a little disturbing. If it turns out God actually exists and made the universe and all that, I somehow doubt he created this place as a kind of trivial speed bump of mostly inconsequential offerings where it’s acceptable to neglect physical human misery — or, worse, to use and encourage it as a means of conversion or “spiritual growth” (cough, Mother Teresa, cough) — as long as one is focusing on bringing people to Jesus. Sad, really. Actually, kind of depressing. Really depressing.

The art in this one was better in some ways and worse in others. The noses are less of a Jewish caricature variety, but instead they resemble different types of boot. It’s still goofy-looking in so many ways, and the facial expressions are hilariously grotesque, but at least he used shading this time.

Sorry this one took a couple weeks — things have been kind of busy. But I’ll do my best to keep bringing you Dissections as regularly as possible. Stay tuned, and tell your friends.

87 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | The Chaplain”

  1. First, WO-HOO. Nice dissection only that the war is supposed to be in Afghanistan not Iraq. Guy on 4th panel is wearing pakol hat, traditional to Afghansitan, not Iraq.

    though I must give Chick credit for drawing it instead of cliche feffiyeh

    I don’t know about you but if I would be in a firefight I’d want everybody to fight not have somebody wander off to pray instead of using his gun.

  2. Here’s something weird I’ve noticed. In some of the more recent tracts, the ones written after the movie Passion of the Christ came out, the scenes of the torture and crucifixion of Jesus have been modeled on the torture and crucifxion of Jesus from the movie: excessive violence, ultra-bloody Jesus, insane looking Roman soldiers…etc. However, Passion of the Christ was made by Mel Gibson an old school, pre-Vatican II, traditionalist Catholic. I thought Chick hated Catholics but here he is cpying a movie made by a Catholic. What the hell? What gives? Has Chick gone soft on the Catholic issue?

  3. Frank: there is a saying “It’s right to learn, even from the enemy”. Even chick admitted he got the idea for these tracts from Chinese communists who made similar tracts to explain their doctrine to (illiterate) peasants. Of course he later claimed ChiComs got the idea from American comics.

    So copying things from catholics and then claiming it as his own creation is not surprising

  4. But… I don’t… Didn’t the preacher believe in Jesus? So isn’t that enough? Or do you have to believe ONLY in Jesus? I’m confused…

  5. Why would a chaplin who just got through saying how there were many ways to heaven suddenly act all shocked when someone said that of all those options he had chosen to back christanity??? Why does a man who calls himself a chaplin seem to have no faith of his own? And lastly surely instead of shooting the unbeleiving enemy and thus consigning them to hell the christians should be crossing the battle field chick tracks in hand… “this is all you need Soldier… hearts and minds… hearts and minds!” 🙂

    “well done Benny from LA Law… you guessed right… you may go to the big viewing screan and watch for sins on earth! Don’t worry we flick over to cartoon network every fifty years…”

  6. Another great dissection! Belly-laughed on this one. We don’t mind if there is a wait between tracts when they continue to be as funny and entertaining. I started laughing at the comment on the cover and it continued through to the end. Keep ’em coming!

  7. You know, before my systematic rejection of all things irrational, I was the Chaplain at my ROTC unit. Hell, I was the Chaplain before they gave me the job officially, because I was running the Fellowship of Christian Cadets meetings when the guy who STARTED them never once showed up for a meeting. They gave me the pin after a few months because they were like “well, you were doing the job anyway, go get ’em tiger.”

    And my flightmates did NOT act like this. If anything, they glommed onto me like a good luck charm. The drill team kidnapped me out of a math midterm to pray for them before they went to a competition. I was always first pick on our football team (“you, Jesus, get over here and get with the praying”) not so much for my football prowess (I was pretty quick, but a pushover), but because folk are superstitious and like their totems.

    Granted, it could be because I would yell at the Military Instructors we had when they screwed us over, because I disliked seeing my teammates screwed >.> Or because my usual prayers at drill meets were “DEAR LORD! PREPARE OUR FOES FOR THE THRASHING THEY ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE!” and such…

    People like a sideshow, after all.

    Anyway, point is, that patrol would be far more likely to treat a preacherman like a good luck charm and misinterpret his words rather than ostracise him outright.

  8. Everyone of these that you analyze makes me wonder how people can believe in something that has no basis in science. I am not saying that science is always right, but science is basically repeated tests where the outcome is always the same.

    One thing I do wonder, if God were to come down to earth, how could He prove that He is God? Could He perform some miracle that we would all believe? Almost anything He would do is explainable with science. One could also assume that He might be more technologically advanced, but that we could duplicate His miracle given enough time, resources, etc.

    So how could God prove Himself to you? Just curious on others thoughts.

    Keep up the good work bro!

  9. the problem wouldn’t be proving he was suppernatural but rather that he wasn’t the devil… If Jesus appeared tomorrow he’d really cramp most religious figures style…
    “I think that what god was trying to say…” becomes more dificult when he turns up and says “no actually I never wrote that book and you’ve just used it and by extention me as an excuse for your pettey bigotry and hatred.”
    People like their hero’s dead… Chick and his friends would be the first to decry an actual message of universal love presented by an actual supernatural figure… what role is there for the middle man?.. no that must be SATAN!

  10. ” … makes me wonder how people can believe in something that has no basis in science.”

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with believing in things that have no basis in science. What’s wrong is when you expect – or worse, try to force – others to believe those things without any proof or reason.

  11. “And my flightmates did NOT act like this. If anything, they glommed onto me like a good luck charm. The drill team kidnapped me out of a math midterm to pray for them before they went to a competition. I was always first pick on our football team (”you, Jesus, get over here and get with the praying”) not so much for my football prowess (I was pretty quick, but a pushover), but because folk are superstitious and like their totems.”

    Isn’t there a saying, ‘no atheists in foxholes’? I’d think the chaplain would want the guy to believe in something, if only to give him hope and a morale boost. Except Islam, of course, because Muslims are icky and drool on themselves like in that first panel.

    I swear, sometimes this is like those sci-fi movies where everyone in the audience knows the aliens are coming but they take 45 minutes just to build up to them. We know there’s a Jesus, shut up and get to the point already.

  12. Additionally, most army squads don’t respond to taking fire by insulting their religious members. They tend to take cover, return fire, flank the enemy, all that wonderful stuff that THE MILITARY TRAINING teaches them.

    Idiot Islamic Militia? Couple AKs and an RPG they apparently forgot how to properly use short of pointing it in the general direction and looking menacing.

    Four army guys in a fireteam? a light machine gun, three assault rifles, and a grenade launcher, plus training and maneuver.

    I don’t think the army guys would be that intimidated by one little ambush.

  13. “Of course, considering it’s likely they pray nearly incessantly for every little thing that could possibly happen, the statistical likelihood of their prayers coinciding with a favorable outcome are increased dramatically.”

    Good ol’ confirmation bias. I mean, um, the frequent intervention of God answering their prayers.

    what

  14. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with believing in things that have no basis in science.”

    My fault! I should have defined “things”. Your argument is sound, thanks for pointing out my error. 8)

  15. . . . but, I thought that the entire frickin’ point of believing that there were many ways to heaven was that if someone comes up to you and says “I’m saved because I believe in _____ and will be a better person for it!” Jesus, Allah, Buddah, Mary, Batman, whatever, you say “Great!”

    A multidenominational chaplin is a good option, but saying every option is right means you can’t tell someone “Your views are wrong!”

  16. First off, nice one. I wonder when the Church of Fang (indie band name, etc.) will get started, since Fang obviously has displayed the power of bilocation.

    Several additional remarks:

    The sandstorm miracle is somewhat… unfortunate, given the fact that the Army’s progress into Iraq was enormously hindered by a sandstorm of hitherto unseen proportions.

    I find it amazing that the somewhat, well, dim-witted converté mangles the Bible in an – if possible – worse but better meant way than Chick does, but accepts and understands the concepts of “dying for one’s sins” immediately. He would more likely state that he would die for a burrito now, hurr!

    Also, grenades on a plane

  17. *snort* Chick doesn’t belive that one can be an intellectal and a Christain at the same time does he? Funny that, because I’ve managed to balance those out pretty nicly.

    Also, do you think he ever gets bored with that whole “depart ye into everlasting fire” bit? I mean, what if the afterlife was more like what happened to Kenny in the South Park movie? That would at least be a bit more intersting…

  18. I like that it took God ten fucking minutes to whip up a little bit of wind. What, did he have to tickle a butterfly on the other side of the planet or something? “God, we need help urgently!” “Yeah, uh… I’ll get right on it. Hold on. Lemme just get to a save point, here. You guys can withstand… oh, about ten more minutes’ worth of casualties, right? Sorry, it’s just… boss fight. You know.”

    Oh, I get it, YOU’RE GOD.
    Not even God can exceed the speed of light, right? So I’d say this means God’s hovering in Venus’s Lagrange point or something.

  19. I really like the Photoshop shading in this one, it’s classy. Jack’s moving into the 21st Century. Except his understanding of social interaction and military technology still appears to be derived from 50s TV.

  20. Consider the last panel. The text one. Jack claims that you will go to hell with the chaplain and hear his screams if you do not “convert”. So Jack is asserting that an imaginary character, whom he created, is in the “real” hell. So Jack believes that he can create actual souls by imagining them. (And then he sends them to hell but that’s another issue.) Therefore, since Jack surely wouldn’t lie to us, Jack Chick must be god! Fall down and worship Jacksus Chickst!

  21. Mary.

    What is Chick’s problem with Mother Mary? He acts like she was some slut God picked to force his physical avatar into the world to do his work. Chick believes that she was just a vagina. If she wasn’t that important, why didn’t God impregnate Ruth, Noah’s wife, or even Semiramis, who Chick sees as Mary.

    Chick seems to think that if you have religion in a war, Others will ostracize you for it, but then convert after you have been killed. There was one in the Vietnam War where they made fun of Holy Joe, even though he could have been praying to get the hell out of there. Then he is sent on a suicide mission and dies, and they asshole who made fun of him dies, is sent to hell, but quickly admits love for Jesus and is sent to heaven, even though it was a cop-out.

    Overall, this tract was bullshit, and your dissection was hilarious.

  22. I’ve never read this tract before, but the plots are so trite that I decided to try an experiment, testing my skill at predicting Chick’s plots.

    I read up to panel 15, and figured the soldier was heading down the road to believing in the Jesus he just “learned” about, especially after the Christian became Benny’s personal Christ by dying to save Benny.  (Cause, you know, Chick usually says people are too selfish to die for others, aside from Jesus.)  But that wouldn’t make sense, because the obviously evil Chaplain just screamed “plot twist”!  So my guess is that the preacher will mess things up by stopping Benny from accepting the message preached by the guy who just now sacrificed himself for Benny.

    I’m uncertain, since “Preacher’s” unselfish dying suggests Benny will side with “Preacher”, not the Chaplain, but I’ll go with it anyways.

  23. Shoot.  I guess I forgot to take into account that, in Chick’s belief system:

    non-Christians are hateful and spiteful unless they convert, then become friendly, puppy-dogs with no ill-will to Christian haters, and
    People, like the Chaplain, can claim to be Christian, yet not believe in Christ as deity.

    My bad.  (Sigh…)

    For a while, I was actually wondering if this tract might take an unexpected plot twist.  As a former Evangelical, I was taught that if you believe in Christ and “become born-again”, a great “spritual” transformation will take place and you will automatically become happier and kinder, etc.  However, with regards to heaven, there was a subtle, but important difference, between prosteletizing and non-prosteletizing Christians.  Christians who go evangelize will go to heaven and be rewarded with a big-ass bevy of crowns, which you will promptly throw at Christ’s feet anyway.  However, Christians who don’t evangelize will be rewarded by going to heaven as well, but will be greeted there by sorrowful Jesus who will kvetch and guilt-trip them that they could have saved souls for Christ, instead of going to heaven alone.

    I half expected the “evil” Chaplain to go to heaven and be given the guilt treatment for not helping finish Benny’s conversion.  I guess in Chick’s theology, everyone who converts to born-again Christianity will evangelize, and anyone who doesn’t isn’t truly saved in the first place?

  24. Huh. Judging by the stats linked, Tex Wilson was apparently a pretty damn bad baseball player. In his two-week career, he batted once, and struck out.

    I mean, I know he was a pitcher, but if you look at his pitching stats, he was pretty bad at that too (14.73 ERA).

  25. I meant to add this to my last comment…

    Maybe what’s-his-face is older than he looks, and was a Dodgers fan in 1924. Maybe he bet a lot of money on one of those two games Tex played in, and Tex’s bad play cost him the game.

  26. “Someone needs to inform Jack that “Allah” is Arabic for “God” one of these days.”

    Literally, “the God” (“lah”, or something like it, maybe with dots somewhere, being the word for “god”). From what I understand, anyway.

    But then again, his kind believe that the KJV is the One True Bible, so the notion that foreign words might actually mean the same thing as American words might be beyond his grasp.

    BTW, seconded on the “Mary” thing. I’m another ex-Catholic, and, yes, Mary was essentially the Ultimate Saint, but Catholics still worship the Holy Trinity, Jesus as an aspect of God (or something … it’s a mystery), the whole bit. Catholics also believe that if you’re truly a follower of Jesus, you’ll actually emulate Jesus and help other people with more than crappy pamphlets and the Save Me Jesus floor munch. I gather some Protestants, including Chicky-boy, find that notion heresy.

    Not that Catholicism is all sunshine and roses … I left, after all. For example, there’s the whole thing where contraception is evil (full stop), and abortion is evil (full stop), because Catholic babies must cover the Earth.

  27. “That is, if they pray every morning for clear traffic, and/or that their children will come home from school safely, and/or whatever else, they’re more likely to have their prayers “answered” more consistently than if they only pray once for one large, unlikely thing.”

    Ohhh, yeah. Relying on God to do shit for you, instead of doing it yourself! I’ve come across this before. When I was at school. In Year 12, when you do your block exams every term, the timetable is supposed to be concrete, ain’t it? You need to fix it so the students can work according to it.

    Once, There was a change in the plan on a day I was absent -I wasn’t informed. So I go to my Chemistry exam ill-prepared and completely fuck it up. I managed to organize a resit, but one of the Heads tried to resist it. On the phone – get this – he told me not to worry because God will bless me for all the hard work I’ve done anyway. The school was [possibly Closed] Brethren, where T3H L0rD came first.

    This is the most Jewy tract ever.
    Why does Chick give every villain/prick/asshole a big Jewy nose!? He’s even Jewifying Muslims, false preachers and even the person who gets saved!

    Of course, Muslims ann Jews are all sons of LUSHIFER! And they all, in reality, hate the Christians. They have everything in common, and don’t hate each other at all!

    Please, Chick. They hate each other’s guts, and the Muslims have nothing in common with them . . . except some of the Old Testament do-as-Moses-says, stone-people-to-death Jews.

    Damn Jewby terr’rists.

  28. The word “ilah” (with drawn-out “ah” sound) in Arabic means “god” in the sense of “a god”. “Allah” is the proper name equivalent to “God”, referring to the God Christians, Jews, and Muslims worship. And yes, it is just the Arabic equivalent of “God” in English. Arabic-speaking Christians use “Allah” for the Christian God. I’ve seen evangelical Christian literature printed in Arabic and it does the same.

    “Allah” might have originated as a contraction of “al-ilah”, “the god”, but it’s not known for sure.

  29. Well since ALL arabs (includes persians, afghans, pakistanis etc.) are fanatic moon god-worshiping islamists who want to destroy the tiny fracture of christianity which is Chick’s fundie faith, they are all going to hell anyway so there is no point in discussing about “god” and “Allah” being the same words.

  30. I love how, in these tracts, non-Christians have no idea who Jesus is or what the Bible is. They’re all like, “Jesus was…this Hispanic guy? Who lived in the 14th century? And his dad killed him for always hanging out and getting drunk on wine with a bunch of other dudes? And wasn’t there a hooker involved?” As if the Judeo-Christian mythos isn’t so pervasive in Western civilization that a person would have to have been raised by wolves not to at least know the basics.

    I have several friends and acquaintances who are agnostic or atheist who are also in the military, some of whom have served in the current Iraq “conflict.” They assure me that there are plenty of atheists in foxholes. Of course, they don’t go all rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth insane when interacting with a chaplain. But then, as we all know, Chick World does not equal Real World.

  31. Re: Mary. Im not catholic but the little bit I know from people who are very traditional and devout catholics is they believe that Mary, since she was the mother of god, is therefore on par with, or at least real close to, jesus. This really pisses off the fundies. Also, since roman catholocism started as a overwrite of greek/roman mythologies, they pray to Mary, Jesus, Joseph, any random saint or person or might become a saint, angels, and anyone that they see as on higher spirtual plane. This REALLY pisses fundies off.

  32. I also noticed that Jack Chick seems to really hate Greek and Hebrew, since any person in his tracts who has knowledge of this languages is an evil jesus-hating sinner. Maybe he tried to learn this languages once but they were to difficult to him, so he declared them to be a part of the satanic conspiracy.

  33. Geez. Way to pimp out the Iraqi Occupation, Jackie-boy.

    What makes me sad is imagining how many copies of this insane little tract are being sent to soldiers over there now.

  34. I wish Chick had included a panel where the new chaplain asks Benny what denomination of Christianity he’s chosen. Then we’d get to see Benny’s brain implode as he tries to grasp the idea Catholics, Protestants, Lutherans, Evangelicals, Mormons, etc. all worshipping Jesus but not being the same exact religion.

    Oh, and check this out: http://tinyurl.com/2xgxjs

  35. I’ve never really seen the point in making a distinction between Catholics and Christians. It’s the same God, same belief system, so what’s the point in distinguishing the two (or, rather, separating one aspect of Christianity from the other)? The Protestant Reformation was, y’know, kind of a while ago. I doubt anyone’s still bitching about it.

  36. What I love about this tract is that the snobby preacher is all accepting of worshiping everything under the sun: Buddha, Mary, etc. but when the guy says he got saved by Jesus he freaks out on him.

  37. TheGrim: What I liked best about that one is the silly looking Buddhist monk wearing the Men in Black sunglasses. That nearly killed me all on its own.

    Seroulsly, does Chick bother researching any of that bull he dishes out…no wait…that would be (GASP) intellectual!

  38. TheGrim: That has got to be one of the scariest Chick Christs yet. It looks like he glued in the cut-out head of Jesus from those paintings where he’s holding a lamb/small child.

  39. This is a beautiful day.

    I got my first paper Chick Tract today! This is like my first lost tooth, my first kiss–every damn landmark in my life, rolled into one!

    It’s “The Little Ghost,” too, and…damn, I never thought I’d actually get one of these. I will cherish today.

  40. This one was SO mind-boggling, I could barely believe it. Thanks for doing a dissection of it! Could you possibly do this one next? It’s full of stuff just BEGGING to be mocked!

  41. Something I noticed is that the Chaplain is unable of acknowledging jokes. Apparently, he never saw Full Metal Jacket. if he had, he would have known that Preacher is a nickname. In the movie, all he soldiers had nicknames, but did not necessarily mean thats what they were. For instance, a guy nicknamed Cowboy doesn’t mean he rides a horse and has sex in the desert, and a guy nicknamed Eight Ball doesn’t exactly mean that if you shake him he will tell you your fortune. They called in Preacher because he was religious, but they knew he wasn’t a real one. He probably worked in a grocery store or something. The Chaplain sure is an uptight asshole. Every tract someone who isn’t a preacher but some annoying fundamentalist is able to tell people about a religion the person should be in, as Chick acts like Christianity isn’t the worlds largest religion, which it is. You can never be limited to teach people about a religion.

  42. In Chick’s branch of Christianity, there’s a powerful strain of resentment of the “eddicated” clergy. Back when fundamentalism was getting started, a lot of the impetus was poor people who were tired of being bossed around by people who’d been to school. They reacted by saying that all you needed was Jesus in your heart and a literal reading of the Bible and you were set to preach.

    To this day, a lot of denominations will ordain people who’ve only spent a year or two at “Bible College;” actually learning the languages the Bible was written in is considered suspicious, at best. Particularly by the King-James-Only movement, of which Chick is a member. (He’s done tracts that were translated into other languages recommending the KJV—how surreal can you get?)

  43. Technomad, actually, it’s even simpler than that, and I think I may have mentioned it already.

    Chick clearly has problems with authority. A quick survey of just a handful of his tracts will confirm this. Priests, lawyers, judges, teachers and professors (ESPECIALLY professors!) are all shown as being smug, arrogant, anti-God assholes. Chick goes out of his way to portray them in as much of a negative light as possible. According to Wikipedia, an early tract showed the Antichrist as a man in a business suit; another allegory to the “authority is evil” notion.

    This strong dislike of authority could also partially explain his extreme hatred of the Catholic church. The Catholics claim apostolic succession and have the Pope as their authoritative figure. In many of his anti-Catholic tracts, explaining why the papacy is not Biblical (according to fundamentalism) is often a central argument.

    We can only speculate as to the origin of this thinly-masked rejection of authority, but it makes for some really interesting food for thought.

  44. I’m reasonably certain that Jesus in this one (and several others) is made out of cardboard. Also, Alex, you lucky SOB. I want someone to give me a Chick tract!

  45. *cough* You know what I wanna know? Why is Mr Chick constantly writing himself into his own tracts, only to kill himself off?

    Oh, you mean the supercilious, holier-than-thou, my way is the only way guy -isn’t- supposed to be Mr Chick? Coulda fooled me! =P

    No, seriously. Does Jack not own a mirror?

  46. Once again I love how Chick brings in Buddha as a god that Buddhists worship. It is funny how he apparently does no research. It reminds me of a time when a friend of mine was telling me about her fundie parents and the fundie church she went to. They had these awful ideas about Noah surviving the ice age and dinosaurs in his wooden ark. She also told me that a real “researcher” came in to tell her all about other religions. This “researcher” was of course born again Christian, and took most his “research” from books by Christian authors. A cult…I swear it’s just one big cult.

  47. Re: comment #58 (Teej)
    Chickman and his like don’t carry out proper research because for them there is no need to do so. The average Xtian fundie regards the 1611 KJV as the one and only source of truth and wisdom and everything either not covered by or not being compatible with the KJV is regarded as wrong and therefore as wicked-satanic-evil. People with that kind of mindset could never be bothered to concern themselves with demonstrable facts, and that is precisely the reason why they are supplying tons of ammo for Jabberwock’s priceless dissections! Xtian fundies are a totally ridiculous type of people but they are no laughing matter. The very thought of Mr. Huckabee (or somebody similar)winning the presidency in 2008 makes me SHUDDER!

  48. Chick is such a racist. Ever notice that the whites always have to explain things to blacks or hispanics? In my experience, blacks and hispanics are more likely to be religious as opposed to white people. Then hispanics are predominatly Catholic, so in Chick’s world that makes them satanic athiest scum.

  49. The whole convoluted story of Jesus comes down to two things: A.) they need a reason to worship Jesus, B.) they need to explain why worshipping Jesus isn’t idolatry

  50. I doubt Christ supports Pax American NWO and its secular spread to traditional cultures..hah, damn islamists, they want a large family, to be left alone and no abortion/feminism.

    Take that and our culture **k-blam**

  51. So, the preacher automatically “knows”(gnosticism) that Max did not accept Jesus? No invincible ignorance in Fundi-Drome? No merciful savior??

    ‘I the preacher know he died and Jesus hates him” Well, lets move on w/Pax Americana, for God supports Un-Just Wars and imperialism.

  52. Rather arrogant Chaplain Davis..Mary as a way to Heaven on her own, gotta get that Zing in there, eh John! Seminary training-bad, pick up a Bible and instantly know everything-good.

    Anti-intellectual, no

  53. Hey Bratwurst, just wanted to point out, that Persians, Afghanis and Pakistanis are NOT Arab. Completely different peoples, only similarity being most are Muslim. But then, there are more Muslims in Asia (esp Indonesia, Malaysia, Bangladesh, even India where Islam is a minority faith) than any of the Arab states. Not to mention Muslims in black Africa, the former Soviety Union, Eastern Europe, Guyana (Asians again mostly), etc.

    Also worth noting, a sizable minority of Arabs are Christian (or even Jewish, Bahai, atheist, etc).

  54. I hate this tract. As usual, Chick makes the “villain,” Chaplain Davis, not only wrong but also a snide, whiny bastard (note that he didn’t even want to go in the first place). But what of Davis’ unnamed superior? Since Chick makes a point of saying the scene where Davis is ordered to go to Iraq takes place at Chaplain’s Headquarters, this means Davis’ superior is also a chaplain. I think. Who does a military chaplain answer to, anyway?

    Anyway, if Davis is a snide prick, is his boss one, too? And what happened to the guy Davis is supposed to be replacing? Was it Max? If so, “Preacher” has a lot of balls telling Benny their chaplain is going to hell after the guy just took a bullet in the throat.

  55. Jesus that chaplain is such a snooty fuck!

    Plus, I don’t think it makes much sense (though I’m coming to expect this from Chick tracts) that the chaplain is one of those “many paths to heaven” guys, yet Jesus isn’t one of them??! Oh, but his -mom- is (why is this making me think of MILFs? The only thing better than a MILF being a Virgin MILF? o.O)… and not to mention that he says -Whatever- their faith is, he’s there for counseling, etc. Liar.

    And, as someone mentioned, nice that the Preacher knows that Max wasn’t saved, because -he- didn’t hear him say the sinner’s prayer or whatever. I guess being saved gives you the magical ability to know if others are saved too. 😛

  56. It has occurred to me that this tract is just a reworking of Holy Joe, one of the original tracts from the 1950s which would explain the out-of-date reference to Tex Wilson.

  57. Some glaring errors:

    1.) An interfaith chaplaincy is as per current army regs. Jack should move out of the U.S. since he feels it’s “Satanic” to provide chaplains for the Jews, Muslims, Pagans, and others currently dying to protect his First Amendment rights. Otherwise, he can always go fuck himself. Catholic chaplains gave first rites under heavy enemy fire on Omaha Beach during the D-Day Normandy landing. It wasn’t just “made up” for Saving Private Ryan. It actually happened. But I guess those Catholic chaplains are in hell or headed there according to Jack. Fuck you, Jack Chick, you ungrateful piece of shit. Better men than you’ll ever be died so you could write your shitty tracts.

    2.) The “soul patch” on Benny’s chin is against regs. He’d be told to shave it off or get a counseling statement or maybe an Article 15 if that didn’t work.

    I could go on. Suffice to say, I doubt Jack Chick ever was in the army, contrary to what his bio says. It’s hard to prove he was or wasn’t, since the records for Chick’s time of alleged service all burned up in the U.S. Service Records Depsoitory. But based off Chick’s bullshit in this tract and the earlier Holy Joe, I doubt Chick ever saw Day One in the army.

  58. Once again, Jack proves he has no idea what he’s talking about. I concur that he obviously has no experience with the military.

    1. The uniforms they are wearing are completely wrong. The US Army now uses the hideous, but more effective, digital camouflage. The styling is different too.
    2. The chaplain would have obviously known that “Preacher” was not a chaplain, because chaplains are noncombatants, just like medics. They wouldn’t be firing back at the enemy, or on combat patrol.
    3. Jack actually got the part about “Whatever your faith, I’m here to help” right. He just perverted it to make it seem like the chaplain has no faith of his own. In the military, chaplains are awesome. Yes they have their own faith, and preside over religious services, but their main benefit is that of a counselor. They’re essentially someone outside of your chain of command who you can tell all of your problems to. They are not allowed to report anything, even if you explicitly confess a murder. Showing this guy as a preachy asshole is the ultimate disrespect to a profession that can use all the help it can get.
    4. “Can’t my assistant go” – What the fuck? Obviously not, as a chaplain’s assistant is not a chaplain. They essentially help out the chaplain, and can protect them, as assistants have combatant status.
    5. There are doubtlessly many more glaring errors, but i am to pissed to point them out right now.

    tl;dr Jack is a fucktard, knows dick about the military.

  59. Chick has this weird hate-on for theology. I guess he thinks studying other religions makes you worship them all and thus become a Satanist, because all other religions are Satan’s work.

    Also, “Welcome into heaven”? Guess God doesn’t allow grammar into heaven as well.

    1. “Guess God doesn’t allow grammar into heaven as well.”

      The holy spirit isn’t bound by the rules of grammer. Even Pope Gregory knew this.

  60. anybody who is or has been in the military knows that chaplains will counsel anybody. a christian chaplain will usually be specifically affiliated to one religion such as catholic or comtemporary protestant, (although, where available, youll have other religious chaplains, such as jewish and muslim) they will tend to anyone regardless of religion, even tending to nonreligious members. i think this is where chick (who was drafted in ww2 in the army) doesnt like the idea of chaplains tending to anyone. pretty selfish behavior, if you ask me. that’s why he portrays this one as a know-it-all buffoon douchebag, which makes it worse since he’s an officer, an often despised type in the military.

    1. “doesnt like the idea of chaplains tending to anyone”

      As Jesus said: if you are not on my side, you are against me. So of the chaplain actually says something like “that’s fine for you Benny/Chick to be saved by the Lord, but please don’t constantly pester anyone with it”, what arrives is just what we read here.

  61. well, for his bad drawing, at least he got that picture of the c-130 hercules plane right. and this is coming from someone who works as a c-130 aircraft mechanic.

  62. If Jack had any sense of style, he would have had R. Lee Ermey make a guest appearance to whip the Chaplain into shape.
    “You filthy maggot! You WILL believe Jesus is the only way to Heaven! You WILL accept Christ as your savior! Or I will personally rip off your head and s**t down your neck!”
    But as a way to bring us all back to reality, the chaplains I encountered in the USAF were the best! They would always listen to you. And they didn’t mix and match…Protestant and Catholic chaplains preached Christianity and there were chaplains available to minister to each major faith. There were also staff on hand for EST and other services. There had to be someone on hand to offer services in every faith, from Christianity and Judaism to Wiccan and Satanism. IT IS THE LAW!

    1. Well, if you prefer a guy who can rap to someone who can pray up a sandstorm to save your butt, this just shows how right on Chick is: you DON’T WANT TO BE SAVED!!!

  63. At some point between May and October ’16, this tract was removed from Jack’s website.
    (English version, the Spanish translation is still online for some reason)

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