Chick Dissection | Gun Slinger (Guest Dissection by Ascendance)

Good evening, cats and kittens, ’tis your friendly neighborhood nepphie again, ready to entertain you with a riveting Dissection! This week I’ll be tackling Gun Slinger, and contrary to previous promises, I think the temptation to make it one long Dark Tower joke is going to be a bit too much to resist.

That said, let’s dive right in!

J: Personally, I’d never dive into anything as shallow as a Chick Tract, but you go right ahead and sustain that paralyzing neck injury. I’ll head over to the phone and dial 9 and 1 and wait to see what happens.

A hired killer trusts Christ and, at death, goes to heaven. But the law-abiding marshal who hunted him rejects Christ and goes to hell. Clearly shows that salvation is through grace, not works.

J: Clearly shows. In much the same way that Return of the King clearly shows that Hobbits are the most trustworthy creatures when it comes to handling the One Ring, or the way Back to the Future II clearly shows that Hoverboards are fuckin’ awesome. That is, by dealing entirely in fiction, and thus being able to completely skirt reason.

J: As usual, by the way, my comments will appear like this, with preceding J:.


…wow. Really, wow. Jack’s penchant for minimal necks has gone to a bit of an extreme here, I think.

J: I know. His mother should’ve fucked a giraffe.

Purple strikes me as an odd colour for a comic about a Gun Slinger, though I’m not entirely sure why.

J: I think this is supposed to be Prince, actually, but Jack rejects TV as The Devil’s Tool, so he had to work from description alone. Admittedly, he got impressively close.

J: Also, what are those two white lines trailing parallel to each other behind his head? Is that temporally anachronistic jet exhaust?

Grandma? That woman’s kind of old herself to be calling another lady Grandma. Wasn’t life expectancy back then something ridiculous like 40 or 50?

J: Yeah, they look roughly the same age. Though, you never know, this is the South, after all, and [obligatory trans-generation incest joke].

She’s not actually knitting with the ball of yarn, notice. It’s just sitting there. Comfort yarn.

J: Maybe we’re interpreting this all wrong and it’s not really her grandma as in the mother of one of her parents, but rather some kind of horrible, mutant, mongoloid cat of some sort that’s capable of speech, which happens to be named ‘Grandma’. After all, they have some kind of freakish half-cat half-houseplant hanging up there above — who knows what kinds of fucked up mutation experiments these people have gotten into.

What exactly can you feel, granny? The gas you just passed exploding behind you? Or those tingly vibrations of yours? Ooh, I bet it’s the presence of Lord Satan, since you seem to have horns, and are therefore one of those demons in disguise Jack talks about! She must be a bad granny, you know, since feelings and premonitions are WITCHCRAFT according to Jack.

J: Those aren’t horns, they’re just Dilbert’s Boss Hair.

Anyway, say goodbye to granny, kids, we won’t see her again for the rest of the tract.

J: Say what you will about her looks, she does an extraordinary, impassioned cover of Live’s “Lightning Crashes”.

The Gunslinger in Black rode into town… and the Fang Dog followed.

J: No, it’d have to be some generic western sidekick name, like Fangy the Kidd. Or, well, Dogg.

And here we have some more of Jack’s usual atrocious sentence structure. No question mark on the first panel, though the use of emphasis seems almost accurate (a coincidence I’m sure).

Uh. So kill him? Seriously, if you’ve killed people for it before, what’s stopping you now?

J: He never does, you know. He just announces it incessantly so he can seem like a badass. He does it with just about anything that irritates him on any level at all. “I’ve KILLED people for not washing their hands after going to the bathroom like that.” “I’ve KILLED people for complimenting my hat ironically like that!” “I’ve KILLED people for pestering me into going to see a band I’m really not interested in even after listening to their CDs, and then wandering off and picking up some woman near the bathrooms and spending the whole damn night making out with her even though they know I just broke up with my girlfriend, and it turns out I was right and I actually didn’t have a good time at all like that.”

Is it just me, or does Jack seem to have some kind of almighty hate-on for babies? If anyone can show me any flattering baby he’s drawn short of Jesus himself, please enlighten me.

J: That’s not a baby, it’s one of those cutesy demons he always draws crawling all over sinners.

More Fang! I bet Jack knows how popular Fang is, and puts him in more often so people will tolerate the tracts more.

J: Fang: The only thing that doesn’t absolutely suck in a Chick Tract.

J: Jeez, he slammed the guy so hard into the wall he knocked his unibrow off.

Our Gunslinger’s taste in fashion is just awful. What’s he wearing? A black singlet leotard? He also appears to be *posing* in the doorway. I suppose this is Jack’s pathetic attempt to make us worry that Bart Dawson is the man this guy is out to get.

J: It’s the stereotypical “how anyone who carries a gun in the old west enters a doorway” pose. And as we all know, any situation in a Chick Tract has to be stereotypical.

J: Why’s this guy have a portrait of Queen Amidala hanging from his wall?

Holy crapola plot twist!

J: This is holy crapola, all right…

…did Bart glue his own pubic hair to his head? And why would a random saloon owner have a scar up his cheek?

More fashion weirdness, I thought this was the wild west? Why does our Gun Slinger have a WWII-era SS-Totenkopf headpin? I would think the Nazis would want to kill a grim specimen of humanity like this.

J: No way, man, he has the stereotypical General Burkhalter cheek scar and everything. He’s totally undercover SS.

J: Also, I think the Gun Slinger’s “nose” is actually a potato that’s inexplicably growing out of/lodged in the front of his face. I’ll bet he doesn’t get blackheads but long, tentacly eyes he has to cut out with a paring knife.

I really have to wonder what Jack is trying to accomplish with all these “light show” panels. How can he think they look anything but retarded?

J: Indeed. It always looks like these characters are imprisoned inside this cavern of needles tailor-sculpted to be about three inches away from every inch of their body. It’s like some kind of Iron Maiden-style torture, designed to punish them for any kind of movement. (Ironically much like fundamentalist ideology! HAW HAW HAW)

J: *punt* “GET THE FUCK OFF MY CLOUD.” Wow, he’s really getting some air. Looks like the Invisible Man is wrestling with him to get his beer. Wait a minute, is he wearing flannel and a trucker cap?

Context is a hilarious thing. For example, the previous panel is talking about a preacher, and if you stretch your brain a little bit, you can imagine they’re talking about the guy that’s being flung out the door in THIS panel. So we have a drunk preacher who’s getting thrown out of saloons. Ahh, Jack, never change.

J: “I HAD a thriving business until he came along and I gave him a bunch of free drinks because he was a ‘man of God’ and all that and always guilted me into never collecting on his tab, which he ran up like he had a hole in his throat.”

I think I see why he has the weird scar. It’s because he lets his pet rat gnaw on his face all the time.

J: Given the state of old west medicine, I wouldn’t be surprised if that rat is really his doctor, inspecting the wound for infection. How would this be any worse than, say, a tincture, or phrenology?

Why are you throwing out your only patron if everyone else has quit and you’re out of business?

J: Hey, a place has to have standards, you know.

I guess that weird groove on the Gunslinger’s cheek is supposed to represent a near-miss with a bullet that then went through his ear? What the hell is in this guy’s ear that makes it stay straight out when shot with a bullet? Maybe he’s just into body modification.

J: Wait, the prostitutes got married? I thought Jack was adamantly opposed to gay marriage. Maybe it’s okay if it’s lesbians.

He looks less menacing and angry than SAD about the notion that he’s going to kill the preacher, incidentally. Cheer up, emo criminal.

J: “I’ll be in his church Sunday. By Monday, he’ll be in a casket. I seriously have to get it done by Wednesday, though, ’cause my band has practice then and I don’t wanna disappoint the guys. I have a song written about how sad and painful my life is.”

J: Where’d the Zorro mask come from, by the way? Does he just sort of tug it on briefly when making promises about killing, for dramatic effect? Looking ahead, I don’t think we see this for the rest of the Tract, so probably yes.

Yep, Jack hates kids, I’m convinced. We have some weird drooling monstrosity in the bottom corner here who apparently is attempting to strangle a snake.

J: He’s Baptist. And he’s drooling because he just got finished with his little pseudo-seizure where he rolls around on the floor and barks out strings of noises and considers it “glossolalia” even though he’s not actually speaking in tongues but spluttering random gibberish. Though, in previous Chick Tracts, typically anyone with a snake is SATAN.

Then again, the entire collection of hu… can we even CALL this humanity? It’s a bunch of ogre Neanderthals. You lied to me, Jabberwock! You said Jack doesn’t believe in evolution!

J: He doesn’t. He just tries to account for fossil evidence of earlier forms of human by trying to make it seem like all of humanity are a bunch of brutish, hideous fuckfaces with protruding foreheads.

J: “Have you seen this man? He walks these streets, a loaded six-string on his back. He plays for keeps, ’cause he might not make it back. He’s a cowboy — on a steel horse, he rides. And he’s wanted–” “Yes, yes, we know the song. He went to Bottlesville. Do you HAVE to do that EVERY time you show us one of these?”

When I was a child, I made a habit of bothering very ugly, very armed men with a horrible fashion sense. Every Sunday.

J: “Hey, Mister, what’s with the guns? Why are you pointing them at me? Why are you pressing the barrel to my temple? Why are you cocking the hammer? Why are–” *BLAM* *BLAM BLAM*

Everyone else in town is reflexively and repulsively terrified of this guy’s face, but the moment he gets to church he’s welcomed unconditionally?

J: Yeah, see, religious people know no fear. Y’know, except for when they shit themselves in abject panic because their kid saw a half of a breast on a show about feeding babies. Or when two men kiss each other and they can somehow foresee their marriage ripping apart. Or when they feel like they have to control the rest of the world with a heavy fascist fist because there are people out there who don’t think the exact same way they do and that might cause problems to their comfort and their precious babies and their morality.

Interesting concept (if painfully transparent), if you hadn’t set it up to FAIL a few panels back, Jack. Seriously, what happened to most of the town getting religion? So many that the saloon keep is out of business? Ring a bell? Unless this is a discrete commentary on hypocrites who are only kind in church, but for that to be the case I’d have to ascribe a modicum of cleverness to the soggy sack of crap we call Chick, and that just won’t do.

J: I wouldn’t place my bets on “plot consistency” here, if I were you.

It’s kind of sad that a preacher who looks that weird is still the most normal looking person in the tract thus far.

J: He reminds me a little of a young Michael Gross. You know, Family Ties era.

Of course you feel strange, Terrible Tom, you’re melting! Your bloated, cancerous body is rotting from within and you’re going to boil down to nothing!

J: Behold, the power of cheese.

More posing silhouettes. “Quick man, tell me if you’ve seen this killer before the sun gets any closer!”

J: Maybe they’re just standing on railroad tracks, in a tunnel. We can always hope.

J: Oh, yeah, this is a great plan. After all, it worked out so well in Waco.

Apparently the marshal got punched a couple times before showing up for work.

J: Maybe he just hasn’t gotten any sleep. In a few months.

Take the last panel out of context, letting it stand just by itself, and you pretty much have my views on organized religion in a nutshell. Just sayin’.

So the man in black fled across the desert, and the white marshal followed? Jack, you’ve made the worst Dark Tower tribute strip ever D: I can’t even make a proper DT joke! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

J: He’s slapped a fundamentalist message into yet another stereotypically-themed plot. What’d you expect? 😛

J: Hey! One of few John 3:16 panels in a Chick Tract that doesn’t feature the same stock “Jesus crucifixion” image.

And now he’s fondling himself. This guy’s not a villain, he’s an escaped mental patient who needs love and sympathy.

J: Looks like he’s just chilly and in need of a light wrap.

“Now you keep your rat hat on while you’re in church, young man!”

Insert vitriolic rant against the crucifixion story here.

J: Do people’s hands… turn like that?

Aaaaand now he’s taking a dump in the pew, disgusting all of his fellow churchgoing Christians. Again, nice to see my views of Christianity summed up in one go.

J: Looks like he’s really having a go at it, too. The way his face looks, it’s like he’s howling and grunting like a constipated bear as the turds the size of fists slide with frustrating resistance out onto the kneeler. “HOOAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHH! HOW HOW HOWWAARRRRGGGG! HOT-OT-OT-OT-OT! HUMPH HRMMMMMMPH! UNGH!” *plop* I envision this process is much like that behind the creation of a Chick Tract.

The marshal looks kind of demented in the second panel here. I keep hearing Beavis and Butthead snickering. I’m also amused that Beavis and Butthead are permissible spellings in spellcheck, but spellcheck isn’t.

J: “Ehehehe… hey you guys… you guys: Boobs. EheheheheHEHEHEhehehe.” Also, mine doesn’t like any of Beavis, Butthead, or spellcheck. Guess it’s not as into cultural references as yours is.

J: This guy’s really fucking effected by all of this. Remember, everyone: Next time you’re being assaulted by a killer of whatever level of aggression and determination, you just have to read John 3:16 and tell them that God forgives murderers, and they’ll drop their gun and start praying.

J: At some point in his past, someone stabbed him down the cheek with a hair pick.

These panels are boring. XTreme closeup of Tom’s face is unappealing too, so I’ll just rant about Christianity.

It irritates me to no end that there’s no scale of justice here. We have a self-professed murderer who gets forgiven of his crimes, ok cool, illustrates God is supposedly merciful, I can dig it. But then what about the people who spend their lives doing well, never harming anyone else, in the service of Christ? There’s some mention about a crown and radiance in heaven, but oh wait we’re not supposed to be doing it for the reward. There’s no scale, no sense to it. It’s a bunch of meaningless bullshit drivel that’s supposed to make me feel humble and wonderful that god views me the same way as a merciless serial killer. It’s reason-killing insanity, and I have to go vomit now.

J: I think the whole “your actions don’t matter” thing is supposed to mean “it doesn’t matter if you’ve done wrong — God will still love you if you repent, and you can still be a Christian”. Instead, fundamentalists have warped the fuck out of it, extrapolating it to mean that NONE of your actions matter, and ONLY a very specific kind of acceptance of Jesus (simple belief doesn’t cut it) does. I’m not entirely clear on their intentions, but this message really seems to endorse a lifestyle of atrocity eventually punctuated by an adoption of Christ as one’s personal savior that cancels all of it out.

The marshal’s dialog construction here reminds me of Judge Rawlings from Guilty, what with the aggressive beginnings followed by weird pauses.

J: He realized he completely forgot the guy’s name, and eventually settled on a generic categorization.

Fang’s finally realized he’s in a Chick tract and is trying to escape! Go Fang Go!

J: Keep going! Run as fast as you can! Hell, even if you can make it into, like, Mary Worth or For Better or For Worse or something, it’d still be better than this place!

Hahahaha terrible tom terrible sinner hahahahaha NO!

God Jack.

GOD.

J: It’s terrible writing.

Wait, where’d that neck come from? Did Jesus give him a new neck when he got saved?

J: The preacher let him have a few inches of his, looks like.

Preacher looks a little too earnest here. I’m thinking less ‘holy man of god’ and more ‘creepy jail-fetish pervert’ at the moment here.

J: “What would you like for your last meal, Tom? How about me?”

Wait, what? No trial? I wasn’t aware US Marshals had the authority to hang people on their own judgment calls. One has to wonder if some of Jack’s preferences for the legal system are peeking through here.

J: Well, see, the execution is the trial. The logic is simple: What hangs by a rope? Houseplants? Yep. Sails on a boat? Yes. Very small rocks? Sure. But what else hangs by a rope? Swings. So, if they put a rope around his neck and he falls and then he swings, he was guilty. But if he doesn’t swing, then he was really a witch. Or a swing. Or something, I don’t care anymore.

I think the second panel has some stuff backwards, doesn’t the executioner usually wear the black hood?

J: This makes it easier for any enthusiastic audience member to come up and pull the switch while still remaining anonymous. They don’t have enough masks for everyone.

Painfully obvious attempt to indicate that Good Outside Isn’t Good Inside here. Still, at least the antagonist in this case wasn’t as hideously ugly and useless as most of Jack’s stock villain characters.

J: But–

Oh wait, yes he IS. Look at those freaky piano teeth. They’ve gotten bigger every panel since we’ve seen the guy. It’s like they’re permanently trying to jump out of his head at this point! TEETH ROCKET.

J: Whew… I was going to say. The guy’s like the bastard miracle offspring of Yosemite Sam, Bugs Bunny and an ice skate. I think his face is legally considered paper shredder. It looks like he’s choking on a fun house.

I like how it takes several minutes to get to heaven after you die. Maybe there’s a queue. Or perhaps the heavenly express flight takes a while.

J: Again, Jack waffles on the “when do people go to heaven” thing. He’s even confused about what happens to them when they get there: They either stand before God or are rejected outright at the gate, and it happens either immediately after they die, minutes later, after a long trip to heaven, or some indeterminate amount of time later when the Rapture comes. And what happened to the whole “play every goddamned second of your entire fucking life out on a big screen in front of everyone” thing?

J: I like the implication of Chick’s condemnation toward the marshal’s attitude, here, about “getting exactly what he deserved”. By the fundamentalist God’s model, people should actually be getting punishments infinitely worse than what they deserved. Now that’s a reasonable model for morality if I ever saw one!

Why exactly would the Marshal attend Tom’s burial? Thoughts, Jabberwock?

J: To ensure the body makes it all the way into the ground without bursting out of its coffin and going on a rampage. They were really worried about zombies back then.

I think that buzzard is eating a sock.

One thing I do have to give Jack props for, he’s been much more consistent with his backgrounds in this strip. They’re rather conspicuous compared to his use in Guilty. Did he improve, or regress? I need to find out which strip came first.

J: Guilty was released only a few months ago; pretty sure we did it right after it came out. So, definitely a regression. Maybe Jack really feels like the entire world is disappearing into a void, and doesn’t understand when people ask him “where are the backgrounds?”

J: YAAAAH

I love how it seems like there’s plenty of open space for him to ride through off to his right, but he chooses to ride right next to a bunch of rocks where it’s very likely snakes would be hiding.

J: You can actually tell what’s going on here? I thought there was some kind of weird space-time distortion that teleported him and his horse into the middle of a rock.

J: Snakes, by the way, are known for climbing to the tops of rocks and aggressively and without provocation going after the faces of humans riding other large mammals.

“Hurry up guys, c’mon! I’m stuck in the hole to hell, stop playing with that marshal’s soul already!”

J: “Guys? Quicksand. Uh… guys? Hello? A little help? I mean, HAW HAW funny you’re making him look like he’s buttfucking himself, but, uh… kind of… impending… situation… here. Meh, nevermind, what am I gonna do? Die?”

What, no Angels flinging naked old Marshal into the fiery pits?

J: I guess not. Maybe it really is a busy day, and they’re just immediately filtering people without the whole “stand before God/view your life/get tossed into hell” thing. I dunno. Honestly, I’m a little ashamed of us for expecting consistency, here.

I guess some particularly arrogant souls warrant the infernal KKK for their incarceration in the realm of eternal torment.

J: Hah, yeah, seriously, who are these assholes? It’s like if the Coneheads had landed in Taliban-governed Afghanistan.

ANGEL STAND AT ATTENTION. EMOTION FOR PUNY HUMAN.

Apparently the demons ripped the marshal’s shiny white teeth out and gave them to Tom, whose neck already seems to be receding as he wanders off into heaven, waving to imaginary nobodies.

Wait, I thought believers got new bodies in heaven? Why does Tom still have his mangled old head? Dammit, false advertising!

J: “Welcome to heaven, Tom! You made it! And no, you can’t have the chunks of your ear back. Sorry.”

And the marshal is hovering as he burns in incandescent fury. The background effect almost looks like a heart. It must be a present from KKK demon to Satan. “For you, the dread lord and master (of my black heart), a fiery marshal valentine.”

J: Either that, or he just discovered he’s the Human Torch, but way too late for it to actually be of any use to him.


Pretty obvious what Jack was trying to do with this one. A half-clever attempt at illustrating the Christian notion of it’s not what you’ve done, it’s who you know, but it collapses under the weight of bad storytelling and ridiculous coincidence.

J: KILL EVERYONE! DESTROY AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! ACCEPT JESUS AT THE LAST MINUTE! IT’S NOT YOUR ACTIONS THAT COUNT — IT’S YOUR LOVE OF GOD! And making the world so much worse for everyone else will only help to serve as a greater test of their faiths!

Jack seems to be slipping in his theological consistency (as if that’s a surprise to anyone), for the aforementioned reasons. I wonder what his tracts will be like as he continues to age and slip into senile dementia.

J: The weird thing is that he keeps slipping back into them as well. And then kind of laterally, sometimes, into something similar, but different in some subtle way that seems to contradict whatever else he said about the same subject. We can only hope that in his increasing madness, he continues to come up with baffling new versions of his ontology, and that his backgrounds continue to disappear until it’s all just floating mouths in a white void.

Well, until next time folks!

J: Tell your friends, and all that.

This has been a nepphisendance production, because having two confusing names will make people love you more.

74 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Gun Slinger (Guest Dissection by Ascendance)”

  1. That is the most fucked up tract I have seen so far. Some dude, who kills people his entire life, “finds Jesus” at the last minute and goes to heaven… meanwhile.. another dude, who has been finding people who kill people his entire life… doesn’t “find Jesus” and burns in hell. WTF?!?!?!?!? How do people believe this bullisht? Why would you WANT to believe it?

    That is so stupid it’s offensive.

  2. HEY ASHOLS LIEK OMG FRST COMMNT!!!!1!!1

    Fantastic, aboslutely fantastic – “Choking on a funhouse”? Really, Jabberwock, where do you get this stuff from?

    Great job, Nepphie; keep it up.

  3. Hehehehe…but wait? Hell is run by the black robed KKK? I thought it was run by the turds-in-a-robe…or those goofy little demons…

    I don’t know why Chick would put the KKK as villians though, they seem like people he would like.

  4. This tract is actually a favorite among hardcore atheists who love to demonstrate the fucked-up mentality behind fundamentalism.

    I don’t think I need to say anything on the moral boobytraps that are on every turn of this tract. It’s all been said already. Although, one has to wonder why Chick puts out tract after tract illustrating what sins we should avoid, when none of it apparently matters in the first place!

    But one thing I would like to point out is Chick’s usual patronizing bullshit. Christians are the greatest people who ever walked the earth. Once people become Christians, they quit smoking, gambling and prostitution and become fine, upstanding and morally untouchable people. Naturally, somebody who is not Christians is physically ugly and only wishes to drag everyone else down with them along a downward spiral of depravity.

    No doubt this is how Chick sees himself. Arrogant fucker.

  5. The whole point of that “see, this guy is even worse than you! accept Christ and you will be saved too”-bullshit is so people don’t think “well, I’ve already sinned, so there’s no need for me to eccept Christ” and join their group so they can get some brownie points. Though of course people will think “Well, if he will let me in heaven anyway who not kill/rape/burn/loot even more!” but hey, as long as it serves their agenda..

    By the way.. I’ve wondered.. since WHEN did angels make you to watch your whole life from a big screen in heaven after you die? when Jesus was born? thousand year after? or did they start doing it after movies were invented on earth? Is movies from heaven? was the dude who invented movies a prophet or something? gah!

    Also, it amused me greatly that the murderer just shed a single tear. It’s so comical.

  6. By this kind of logic even Hitler could have gotten eternity in Heaven if he just accepted Jesus at the last minute, while all the Jews he killed must be in Hell since they never accepted Jesus.

    This tract is actually a favorite among hardcore atheists who love to demonstrate the fucked-up mentality behind fundamentalism.

    It’s hard to imagine a worse moral system.

    1. “… while all the Jews he killed must be in Hell since they never accepted Jesus.”

      So your point is?

      “It’s hard to imagine a worse moral system.”

      Well, Chick tells you how the world really is. Like it or not, if it is that way, than it is that way. Isn’t this what atheists always tell you? Your wishing for a Big Daddy in Heaven who saves you, doesn’t make him exist. Neither does the fact, that we may find reality abhorring, make it any different.

  7. Judging from the art, this looks like it was done before Chick had his stroke. His last pre-stroke tract was “Where’s Rabbi Waxman?”

    If he’d done this more recently, the Evol Saloon Keeper might have been Al Swearengen or Cyrus Tolliver. But then, if it were Al, every other word out of his mouth would have to be (this being a Chick tract and all): “#%&@?&!!!”

    And Al wouldn’t need to hire a gun. He’s got them working for him already.

  8. The moral of the story is: God is a strict bastard who will blatantly play favourites despite never telling you directly what to do. Just like in the bible.

  9. The neck thing was puzzling me… then I realized that ‘Terrible Tom’ is actually ‘Yurtle the Turtle’…. hence his variable neck length… that or the ‘we’re going to stretch yer’ neck good’ part of the hanging happens the night before!

    I won’t go into the morality too much as has already been said this way of thinking is just too obviously ridiculous… let me just say “I’ve killed people for being this stupid!”

    A last question, has anyone else noticed that people who are really in your face religious are invariably some of the sickest and most reprehensible people you could choose to meet? I’m not talking about people who hold private spiritual beliefs (I can respect that) but the ones who go on and on about their relationship with the lord, implying that they some how have their own divine dispensation. Seems to me they are following this same logic ‘I’ve knelt down and been butt buddies with the lord so now it doesn’t matter how aggressive, insensitive or plain hypocritical I am, I’m still more moral than you because I have faith!’ Do they really believe their own shit? *shudder*
    Or are they just using their ‘religion’ as a social bludgeon/shield… I don’t know whether to be angry at their insincerity or their blindness! Oh well just one more irresolvable irony in the spaghetti monster’s grand creation!

  10. Perhaps if Jacko had taken the time to drag the marshall up to the angel’s plasma viewing screens to review his life, the whole thing wouldn’t seem quite so arbitrary. He could have shown the marshall the “liar, whisperer, envy, whoremonger, etc.” montage from “It’s Your Life” aka “This Was Your Life” and then perhaps the marshall might better have understood how his envy for Wild Bill Hickock’s shooting ability made him more worthy of hell than the mass murdering cold-blooded killer Tom. Still wouldn’t make a helluva lot of sense to me, but the marshall might get it. I will say it was nice of the preacher to provide Tom with a neck for the hanging. Very considerate.

  11. Man. Looking at all these tracts, Jack Chick has no idea what the words “continuity” or “consistency” mean. Nothing ever is the same. How can i believe this shit?

  12. Did anyone else hear that music from Spaceballs, in that part where the marshal’s soul is being carried away? You know, Di di didididii di di.

  13. Jack Chick and his ilk always ignore Matthew 25:31-46 where Jesus says that it is your actions that matter. In that passage Jesus says that people who call him savior but don’t do good for their fellow human beings will go straight to hell, while people who do good regardless of whether they call Jesus savior are his true followers. These tracts where vile killers go to heaven because they accept Jesus as their savior good people who do good go to hell are the sickest products of a sick mind.

  14. I’m confused.

    Is my grammar off, is Chick’s grammar off, or did Chick think it was clever to have a marshal named Marshall?

    Grammatical nitpick aside, this was an awesome dissection.

  15. I love Jack Chick. How can you not love a guy who thinks that Confucius is a pagan god?

    Oh, nice dissection too. I look forward to these every Monday, and I’m never disappointed.

  16. does chick have collection of little shoes?

    Is that an Insomnia reference, or am I just seeing King/Dark Tower references everywhere I look today?

    Hmm… random thought… “Starring Jack Chick as Sunlight Gardener” ::shudder::

  17. I’ve never seen any reference to Jack having any kids of his own. Maybe it’s bitterness about his inability to be fruitful and multiply that makes him hate kids? Just a thought.

  18. As an aside, it is common practice to put hoods on the condemned in the case of death by hanging or firing squad. In the case of hanging, this is done for three reasons: to keep the condemned relatively calm and to increase the impracticality of struggling, to keep the rope from sticking, and to conceal the fact that the aftermath of hanging is… unpleasant, especially when botched (which was usually the case before the measured drop was invented). Of course, a hood with eyeholes sort of negates most of those.

  19. T6by: I think that when people have that in-your-face attitude, rambling their religious beliefs at you non-stop, it’s because they aren’t religious at all. It’s Little Man Syndrome (an insecurity whereby you feel jealous and/or threatened of someone in a better off position – it’s taken from when the short kid at school likes to try and pick on the tallest ones).

    You see, if you live amongst a group of genuinely religious people, you feel compelled to act the way they do to “fit in”. In, say, the Bible Belt, the largest group of people in a particular area are likely to be religious.

    As a result, any outsiders feel compelled to act religious in order to get respect from the religious majority and thus look big i.e. LMS.

    In other words, they are trying to outdo each other because of their LMS insecurity “I can be more religious than him.” Usually, such people are arseholes, and sometimes the insecurity stems FROM THAT, and so THEY try to act nicer to the public.

    Of course, this gives them the added bonus of the facade.

    So, there are two reasons:

    1) Insecurity (LMS).
    2) To get away with being an asshole.

    Both often go hand-in-hand.

    BTW, I realise my ‘first’ coment was in fact a second. Just missed out. Hey, Nicest Girl – thanks a lot.

    Oh, and I’m currently working on a dissection of Royal Affair, so DON’T TOUCH IT!!!!1!

  20. yeah…that makes sense the hypocracy just drives me nuts!

    BTW is all this happening in a disued lot there a rose is growing next to a discarded chick tract?

    (little shoes was a Bill hicks reference… “any one that far to the right has to be harbouring a terrible secret…I always wondered about Jacks collection of little shoes”)

  21. “…is growing next to a discarded chick tract?”

    I dunno… Jake would have a lot of trouble opening a door between worlds using only a discarded Chick tract…

    Ah yes, Bill Hicks – the man Denis Leary cribbed his best stand-up from.

  22. Something seems fishy about how the criminals are always the ones getting “saved” in Chick Tracts, but decent human beings end up going to hell…

  23. Felis is a smart guy. He’s saying what I’ve always said, How good of a Christian can you be if you have to constantly advertise it?

  24. Gee, thanks.

    I used to live in the Bible belt for a year when I was a little kid (my Dad was a designer for Ford), but we moved over to Australia when I was about 14. For the last few years I’ve been living in Queensland, which is a lovely place but it has a large amount of fundamentalism.

    Now, with both sides playing the God Card in the run-up to the November 24th election, as well as making the first ever online party-political broadcasts online to a religious group (pandering to them), it really is going to be a ballsup.

    Oh, well. At least John Howard knows how to run the country – Kevin Rudd (LABOUR) would no doubt pander to everyone’s hearts, like Blair and Brown. He’ll allow the mad mullahs to have their say, which will create tension between them and the Christers, and really fuck the place over. While he’s at it, he’ll probably fuck up the health system, education systems etc. by imposing all sorts of stupid laws (note that Blair didn’t do that; he let the EU do it).

    Not only that, but I used to go to an Open Brethren school; mind you, it wasn’t that much different to the Closed Brethren. Almost fucked my education up.

  25. And this would be part of the reason I’m considering converting to the Cult of Slaanesh. I like how all the prostitutes left their life of sin and got married instantly–because it’s so easy to find a decent Christian man who wants to marry someone with a harlot’s reputation and probably an STD or three.

    A lot of the heaven/hell idea here seems to be focused on converting people by claiming their greatest sins can be washed away if they only repent, and this is carried across by using the most extreme example.

  26. Yeah, but the Cult of Khorne claims that they (or their enemy?) shall bebaptised in blood, rather like the figurative description of Jesus’ sacrifice (“Baptised in His blood”).

    “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!”

  27. From Jon: “I’ve never seen any reference to Jack having any kids of his own. Maybe it’s bitterness about his inability to be fruitful and multiply that makes him hate kids? Just a thought.”

    The Wikipedia article on Chick says that he and first wife Lola (“La-la-la LO La-a”) had one daughter. Lola passed away in 1998 and Jacko remarried. I wonder if the daughter’s name was Li’l Susy….

  28. One of the things that bothers me is in the last panel, the evil bandit turned angel seems to be gloating over the fact that the marshall is now in hell. Is that what angels and fundies do? Gloat over the rest of us non-believers?

  29. I revised my theory shortly after publishing this, and have decided his last request was to be hanged in his ninja attire. Or his BDSM mask. Either or.
    Almost. ruined. keyboard. with. coffee.

    I don’t think that’s a snake, though. My first impression was a tartan-y sock. I wouldn’t be surprised.

    What, no comment on the Joker turning lawman?
    Read my mind, really.

    Mm, so demons are some sort of KKK crossed with Death Eaters. No wonder they’re confused, shape wise.

  30. Siberia: My theory is that demons have short attention spans and change into whatever catches their attention. They’re cutish if they watch cartoons, look like the Death Eaters if they’re reading Harry Potter for the witchcraft and other evils, and resemble supervillains if the new comic issues came out.

    And if they just had a LAN party, they look like pizzas.

  31. Is that what angels and fundies do? Gloat over the rest of us non-believers?

    To Warren: Yes, that is exaclty what they expect themselves to be doing. Funny thing is, they don’t see anything wrong with that. Spooky, huh?

  32. Actually, in the real Old West, women were at enough of a premium that even a(n ex-)whore could probably get married. STDs weren’t as well-understood back then, and if she moved to a different town and took care to look reasonably respectable, a lot of the past could be left behind.

  33. I like the way he’s holding that guy by the neck, like Darth Vader. Killer:”Where is Bart Dawson?” Guy, strangled:”We know of no Bart Dawson. This is a diplomatic outpost…” Killer:”If this is a consular town, then where is the ambassador?” (Kills guy).
    Anyway, I always interpreted the whole getting into heaven thing as sort of a score metaphor. You gain points for things like believing in God, good works, etc. and you lose points for unforgiven sins. Your final score determines what happens to you when you die.
    anyway, I seriously doubt Jack Chick actually understands his own religion. I mean, surely fundamentalists can’t be that stupid. I mean really, this man needs a Darwin award.

  34. you know, you could take the panel with the freaked-out, zombied granma and alter it so that an animated turd could come out of her mouth, just like joey the robber’s in “the thief.” that would be so cool. “what is it granma?” “something evil is coming, i can feel it! it’s a turd coming out of my (PLOP!)”

  35. So basically, mass murderer with the right beliefs > a good man who puts an end to his murderous rampage, with the wrong beliefs.

    Ladies and gentlemen, the Grand Old Party. 4/19 NEVAR FORGET

    – – –

    http://www.enterthejabberwock.com/pics/chick/gunslinger/0037_05.gif

    OI GEVALT

    http://www.enterthejabberwock.com/pics/chick/gunslinger/0037_06.gif

    AND NOW ALL I CAN DO IS POISON THE WELLS AND STEAL THE OCCASIONAL SIP OF BABY BLOOD

    HEAVEN FORBID I SHOULD HAVE ENOUGH TO PRACTICE MY JEWY RELIGION WHAT WITH THE MAZZO / SIMULATED KILLINGS WHAT OF THE CHRIST

    OI VEY

    – – –

    AlecKyras (8:04:14 PM): ‘My prostitutes joined his church, and got married! And now they devote their time to Christian motherhood, as God intended!’
    etjabberwock (8:06:02 PM): Haha. “They pump out endless babies, one after the other. Be fruitful and multiply! Even if you don’t have the money to support your offspring!”

    – – –

    TERRIBLE TOM: ALIAS HORRIBLE HERB, SHITTY STU, CUNTY CLEM, RUTHERFORD B. HAYES

    – – –

    http://www.enterthejabberwock.com/pics/chick/gunslinger/0037_11.gif

    “Ah, Marshall, the Baptist church.”

    “Huh. Damn. Here I was hoping we could finally shoot up those goddamn micks.”

    “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

    – – –

    YAAAAAH

    – – –

    I think the Marshall just wanted to piss on Tom’s grave; it’s one of the job’s few perks.

    HAW HAW HAW HE’S BUTTFUCKING HIMSELF — Haw Haw Haw

    Seriously, that’d be so badass. If I were some kind of grim reaper Jawa I’d definitely spend most of my days doing the Halo frag hump with people’s immortal souls.

    – – –

    The sad thing is, this is actually one of Chick’s more theologically consistent tracts. It’s a pretty damning argument against fidei sola (or whatever they call it), and most people, encountered with it, try and justify it somehow or work some kind of works into it.

    But for Chick, the fact that only enormous pricks actually take to the Sales Pitch For Christ is not a bug but a feature.

    At some point, any Christian faith pretty much has to accept a scenario fundamentally like this as accurate. Heaven admissions are governed by a sort of eternal credo-based Affirmative Action.

    This is why I’m not one any more. I mean, that and accepting science, that’s pretty important too.

  36. so a man who allegedly robbed and killed becomes saved just like that. for one, how would anyone know if he really repented or if he’s just doing it just to look good for the cameras. and then, someone who’s just plain evil gets forgiven just like that, while people who do uphold the law go to hell just cause they dont “believe”? man, i cant imagine a scenario where america’s most hated man, ozzie bin laden himself, repented and got saved by jesus. imagine a man who ordered 9/11 who suddenly got converted to christianity and gets to heaven. that would cause an outrage.

  37. well, since you brought up the debate on religious theory, i have to add a couple cents: it’s a shame that extremism distorts the (generally good) tenets of widespread religious beliefs. The more middle-of-the-road religious types- of which there are more than a few- tend to adhere to the “believe in god, and the afterlife, and be good to each other” principle. The remainder of the dogma is where interpretation inevitably becomes a factor and distorts any initial intentions with bias. I, myself, am generally agnostic (vaguely apathetic may be a better way to put it), but I’d like to think that religion can have a positive role in peoples’ lives. IMPORTANT: THIS IS NOT AN EXAMPLE OF THAT (duh). I mean, alcohol is pretty fun, and usually brightens a night out, but when you’re getting so sloshed that you’re disturbing or hurting others, it’s time to lay off the sauce…eh….

  38. guys, just a note from a non-American 3000 people died in 911 (an awful thing any way you look at it) but it does bear mentioning that even by American military counts some 30000 Afgani civilians were bombed mained and killed as a response in the 911 attack (no Osama to show for it… just a new oil pipeline) and that doesn’t go into the death count in Iraq. Why ask if Osama will get into christian heaven (he doesn’t beleive in it for one thing). Would it not be more apropriate to ask if Bush who is suposedly a staunch christian and has a far higher body count is really going to heaven just because he accepts jesus. The world would be lighter if both Bush and Binladen fell off the edge but I think there is little to choose between them in terms of imorality. Perhaps an extention of the question being asked of relgion in these coments would be: do you regard Bush’s bombing as legitimate simply because it is done in the name of America… god or state can either over ride the basic demands of morality and absolve a wrong doer of their crimes without, any other act of contrition, simply through their exhaulted nature?

  39. Upset waitress,
    Doesn’t that imply that, to them, your soul is only worth 18% of their bill?
    How can they be so stingy when they’re expecting to get all that treasure and crowns of gold when they get to heaven?
    I mean, c’mon fundies! Spread the wealth around while you’re here!

  40. Upset waitress,
    fundie customer: “Here’s a tip: You’re a slave to SATAN!!!!”
    Maybe they considering tipping ‘doing ‘good works” and are trying to avoid falling into that trap of the devil to trick them into going to Hell?
    (ARGH!…..Whenever I try to think like a fundie, I pull a brain muscle!)

  41. Ok…soo…Demons are now wearing black KKK outfits? What about baptizing the criminal? Oh, thats right-fundamentalists sorta rule that one out as a “symbol”-like so much else that interferes with a
    -read this card, pre-written prayer
    -know (ie, Gnosticism) that you are saved
    -don’t worry, be happy-you have now lst your fallen nature, free will, etc.

    Chick’s trick is to always draw his bad guys as revolting as possible, yet the Preacher and the dog are the only ones not asking for commitment to a mental ward.

  42. Ahh, another one that was found in my travels. This time at the Daytona Beach boardwalk arcade on an old Atari “Outlaw” machine. Pretty ironic since the game dealt with shooting cowboys.

  43. 64 comments in and no one has made the observation how the preacher looks like Kenny Rogers? XD
    That said, now “The Gambler” will be ironically running through my head all day again.
    Definitely one of my fave Dissections. Just…oh, MAN.

  44. Sheesh. I’ve been trying in vain to find ONE tract where the villain does not look overtly hideous. All attempts have been in vain. I thought I’d finally found it here, but no cigar. After the first few panels the marshal guy begins his slow and horrid descent into some sort of old west version of the Millennium Earl. I also find it funny how the wicked become much easier to look at once (for a Chick drawing, in any case) they’ve reformed. I think that qualifies as false advertising.

  45. Ah yeah, this must be the most horrible piece of garbage that has ever spouted from the pen of the evil man known as Jack Chick. The day I saw this tract I got real depressed. And that made me remember that godawful comic I read as a kid that lead me into the same kind of depression, I investigated and found out that, as I suspected, was another of Chick’s work.

    The tract I mentioned was translated to spanish “El Magnifico”. I guess the english name is “The Magnificent one” “The great one” “The Mighty one” or something like that.

  46. Shadoboy,
    As fucked up as he is, Chick isn’t evil- he’s just stupid. Or better yet, totally insane. I mean, I like my privacy and all, but the fact that he takes measures to ensure that he’s never photographed or interviewed or even directly looked at screams “crazy shut-in recluse”. I wonder if anyone who knows him personally is just a bit worried about him.

  47. Just read this again: How is “Hell raising” supposed to be profitable? From what I can imagine it implies fisticuffs, guns and barfights, which would probably cost money to pay for damages.

  48. I can’t believe you had short robed, hooded creatures and no one made a Jawa joke. And in the desert no less! Are you Star Wars fans or aren’t you? 🙂

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