Chick Dissection | Boo!

This takeoff on horror films reveals the truth about Halloween.

More accurately put: “This combination of every groan-inducing, generic horror film or scary story cliché Chick could dredge from the recesses of his sheltered, dullard mind are reminiscent of some kind of goofy hallucination that incorporates a bunch of stereotypical Halloween icons while bearing no resemblance to anything that is in any way a truth about Halloween.”

In ample time for the holiday in question (so you can get enough copies printed to hand out to trick-or-treaters instead of or in addition to candy, like some kind of asshole), I give you…


Aaaaaah!

“Camp Basil Bub”? What, was “Camp Lou Siffer” copyrighted or something? I guess everyone in the Chickverse is too fucking stupid to look at a really awkward-sounding name and recognize it as the shoehorned pun it is. “Hey, guys, we’re going to be staying at Camp Thekillerisn’tdeadhe’scomingbacktokillmorepeople. I think it’s Native American or Hebrew or something.”

And, yeah, renting out an entire fucking camp on its “GRAND REOPENING” for only fifty dollars isn’t in any way worthy of suspicion.

Man, this place is just a hotbed for random animal fights. You’ve got, what, snake versus woodpecker (versus worm) over on the right, salamander versus butterfly on the bottom left, and up in the tree, it’s owl versus anthropomorphic hair pick.

“Charlie, I know why you got this place so cheap!” “Why?” “Because it — wait, why does my finger smell like I just dragged marmalade through cat entrails?”

Ah, I know why the place is so cheap: The insides of the cabins are formless voids. “We got rid of absolutely all matter, so you SAVE BIG on our campsite rentals!” There are probably, like, six thousand other people staying in the same cabins, but they’re all infinite amounts of distance away from all the others.

It’s nice that the cabin is so informative, but it’s a little creepy that it’s eavesdropping on its occupants’ conversations like that, and a little unnerving that it seems to be kinda talking to itself.

Salem High, huh? Oh, that’s real fuckin’ inspired. Does Dr. Frankenstein still teach advanced biology? Has Mr. Dracula retired yet? And wow, thirteen people were killed. Where’d that number come from? How unusual.

Come to Camp Basel Bub, home of the four-foot-tall squirrels. Or is it four centimeters tall? Either it’s freakishly enormous and standing next to the cabin, or freakishly tiny and standing on the branch.

“Gasp,” thought the house, “I just remembered I forgot to feed the cat this morning!”

You know, I was just thinking to myself, “man, these are really fucking generic ‘horror’ elements in this thing so far. He might as well just toss in a spider and some bats and, like, ghosts that look like sheets with eye holes cut into them and shit.” Well, there’s the spider.

Yep, he MUST be dead. Because, y’know, cops never make mistakes, and people can be entirely certain that they’ve actually scored successful lethal hits on a person or animal without being able to visually confirm such by viewing the body, which has somehow disappeared without a trace. TOTALLY dead.

So are these individual roofing shingles that are talking, here, or…?

What the fuck would Satan want with a dead cat?

Wow, a killer with a jack-o-lantern head! Where does Jack come up with this stuff? I never would’ve expected THAT. Not in a story about Halloween.

You can’t see it, but on the other side of the tree is a sign that says “Please remember to curb your snake”, and he has to walk around with a little inverted plastic baggy over his hand to clean up after it every time it shits or he’ll be fined.

So, what’s the back-story, here? Some mentally unstable dullfuck had a birthday on Halloween and became obsessed with it, and then snapped and started killing people as some sort of twisted self-birthday-present? WHO IS THIS BEPUMPKINED FIEND WITH THE TALKING ASS!?

@!!!**!

Haha, wait, what? Halloween is Satan’s birthday? …what? I just… that’s… so stupid and untrue.

Hey, is that Ron Jeremy? Run, Ron! Protect the penis! Thing’s so huge and unwieldy, it’s got to be a magnet for those kinds of injuries.

BUZZZZZZZ It’s not an actual chainsaw, it’s a novelty chainsaw-shaped vibrator. You know, between the vibra-chainsaw and Ron Jeremy, this could just as easily be an artist’s rendering of a still from a really cheesy Halloween-themed porno. I dunno, “Dick or Treat”, or “A Wet Dream on Elm Street” or something. Maybe they can incorporate incest somehow and make some awful pun along the lines of “Pump Kin”.

Carrie really ought to have listened to her mother’s advice and just stayed home. Admittedly, all she said was “They’re all gonna laugh at you” over and over again, but it still would’ve prevented this from happening.

And all the poor, helpless cabin can do is shout out in protest. No wonder it snapped and started arguing with itself — all it can do is just sit there and watch the murders.

“If it’s the same killer… we’ll need an army! Or, y’know, someone who’s taken some kind of marksmanship training, so that some of our bullets will actually make contact this time.”

He’s choking, but what the fuck did he expect eating a cake with saw blades inexplicably jutting through the pieces? And what’s he so worried about, anyway? He’s telekinetically levitating his coffee cup — he should be able to fend off the killer with such a superpower.

You know, why didn’t they just, uh… shut down the camp? Who even runs the place? Maybe they should investigate THAT person. I mean, doesn’t the name tip anyone off at all? “There’s another massacre going down at Camp Basil Bub. Wait a minute… Basil… Bub… Beelzebub. Hold on a second — that’s almost asking for trouble!”

Well, at least the cat got away unscathed. Y’can thank Satan for THAT.

BANG! BLAM! You know, I don’t see any bullet trails like there were in The Chaplain. No wonder their shots have all been so ineffective: They’re shooting blanks!

What in the name of shit? So Satan puts on a pumpkin and runs around killing people with a chainsaw. Well, then. Okay, I guess. Maybe Jesus will dress up as a pirate or something, I dunno.

Apparently when Deputy Tony Clifton gets scared, he goes all limp-wristed and starts speaking in “Old Timey Fancy Speak”. “‘Tis the Devil himself! Legs, deliver me forthwith from the grasp of peril, ‘ere I suffer unfathomable turmoil!”

Die, you @!!!**!

He’s number one! He’s number one! And he’s also totally fucking coked out.

I think the deputy’s mouth is just always open into the form of some mortified, astounded grimace. He must have some kind of jaw disorder or something. Jesus.

Saints? Uh-oh! He’s a Catholic! All the villagers are super-damned, now — as we all know, a Catholic’s blessing secretly counts as an appeal to Satan.

That dog should have been Fang. I’m… profoundly disappointed.

So, killing campers with a chainsaw and sneaking up behind people and shouting really loud. You know, so far I’m really not impressed with Satan’s tactics, here.

Huh, Satan apparently really doesn’t take well to strong disapproval. Shouldn’t it be kind of taken as a given at this point that “The Lord [disapproves of/criticizes] Satan”?

You know what this panel needs? A chase scene to the tune of Yakety Sax.

I have no clue where this is supposed to be taking place. It starts off in a Vermont-looking forest, but “the village” seems to be somewhere in the middle of a desert in northern Africa. Though that large astral body floating out in the background looks kind of like Earth, so maybe this is all some futuristic colony on the Moon or something.

Well, that’s not very nice, kid. Just because he’s the devil doesn’t give you license to be rude.

Wait, so now Halloween isn’t supposed to be Lucifer’s birthday? Then why in fuck was there so much earlier mention that it was? Gyah.

Hey, I don’t remember this boring-assed scene in even the lamest of horror movies. Get back to the goofy Satan-as-Pumpkinhead-killing-people plot.

Gee, I dunno, kid, who the fuck would have kicked rebellions angels out of heaven? Hrmm, wow, this is a real fucking toughie. Uh, was it… Gene Shalit? No wait, Gore Vidal. Molly Ringwald? Sir John Gielgud. Wait, no. Goddamn, this is really hard to figure out. Cory Feldman. It HAS to be. Aw, hell, hold on. God. This is — oh, wait, that was right? God? Wow, never would’ve expected that.

Pastor Paul Bunyan.

He looks excruciatingly tired. I really don’t blame him.

Why do I suddenly have the urge to buy Brawny paper towels?

So, Satan and the demons aren’t already in hell in this Tract, and they’ll instead all be sent into the “lake of fire” at some indeterminate point in the future. Which seems to differ from Chick’s usual story. And if it was Jesus who created the lake of fire, then he’s kind of a sadistic asshole, huh? I mean, this is basically outright admitting what I’ve pointed out in the past: God is incapable of forgiveness, and though the ultimate decision lies with him, he still inexplicably and cruelly sends people to a punishment that is infinitely worse than any transgression they may have committed. So either his hands are somehow tied by the power of Satan and he can’t not send people to hell, meaning he’s weak and worshiping him is kind of stupid and useless, or he’s a complete asshole, in which case the only moral course of action is to rebel against him.

Fuckin’-A, he’s really padding this one out, isn’t he? Compare this to one of the wordier ones drawn by Fred Carter — you know Jack could’ve fit this whole message into HALF this amount of space. Instead, we get one sentence per frame with talking buildings and shots of people through windows.

No, sorry, Jack, you have no idea what’s behind this celebration.

I’m sure “satanists and witches” are thinking “How DARE these little kids dress up like Spider-Man and Dora the Explorer and Ronald Reagan on this, our most sacred of holidays! It’s a shame it’s all become so commercialized, now that so many children think it’s only about the candy.”

Note to Mr. Chick: SPEECH IMPEDIMENT != AUTOMATICALLY ADORABLE

“Grr, I’m a spooky Druid! I look kinda like Saruman, portrayed by Christopher Lee! Look at my spooky worship doodad that I’m holding all spooky-like, in such a way that you can’t really be sure I’m not just going to randomly club you with it. I’m a Druid! Don’t trust me! Hate me and all of my customs and beliefs based on Jack Chick’s inaccurate descriptions! Boogaboogaboogle!”

Since when is Druidism Satanism, anyway?

Yeah, and guess what? Nearly all Christian holidays are of Pagan origins. *gasp* Easter, Christmas — all originally festivals celebrated by those “spooky” Druids.

No, “Samhain” roughly means “November”, shithead. It was the celebration of the harvest, and usually they’d light fires and perform rituals that were supposed to protect from evil spirits. But hey, at least he’s not claiming Samhain was the “Lord of Death” anymore, so he’s at least getting a little warmer.

And no, the Druids did not exchange jack-o-lanterns for human sacrifices. Why’s she protesting, by the way, if she knew what was coming? Wouldn’t you expect fervent believers would come to terms with the particular customs that they’d expect were normal and inevitable?

This is all roughly the equivalent of my taking random elements of Christian imagery and mythology (Let’s say: crucifix, taking communion, and “casting the first stone”) and making up a story about them with no regard for the chronology of history: Many Christians take communion, and little kids think it’s fun to drink the wine because they’re not old enough yet, but they have no idea what’s behind this celebration. Thousands of years ago, men in white conical hoods with eye holes used to burn crosses on the lawns of black people to remind them of the letter “t”, which stands for “torture” or “torment” — a stark reminder of the hellish punishment that would await the unholy — and they would all gather around the fire and bake morsels of bread that they’d flatten so that they could more easily pierce them with a stick for holding over the fire. They would then take turns throwing rocks and dirt at the cross to extinguish it, with the most innocent among them — usually a child — throwing the first handful. Whenever the fires got out of control, they’d put them out with whatever liquid was handy — usually wine. If the fire stayed under control, they’d get to drink it instead.

Most of the people who leave this kind of graffiti are just angsty goth kids with mascara-smeared eyes who are attaching themselves to empty symbolism that’s become associated with the counterculture, and want to demonstrate that they aren’t tools of society or whatever. I’m confident that there’s extremely little correlation (and likely none at all) between “Satanist” graffiti and actual human or animal sacrifice. Like genuine Satanists don’t have anything better to do than run around tagging any available flat surface with a can of red spray paint.

Thousands of high school students are admitted to emergency rooms each year to have pieces of witchcraft shrapnel removed from their bodies.

Does God really even have a face? I think a more accurate way to put this would be: “Satanic human sacrifices are a slap against the flat, featureless surface where one might otherwise expect God’s face to be.”

“Halloween opens the door to witchcraft! For proof, read other things that we have also written ourselves.” I wonder how many people actually fall for this “outlandish, nutty statement supported by ‘evidence’ from other outlandish, nutty writing from the same sources” tactic. I fear the answer may depress me.

Bleh, I’m getting really bored. I’ve counted the pages, and this Tract is just as long as all the others, but it seems so much longer, mostly because he’s managed to spread a page worth of content over, like, what, six pages?

Why would anyone — God and Satan included and especially — give a fuck? What does it matter? Do neither of them have anything fucking better to do? I mean, I’ve got some DVDs they can borrow, if they’re that fucking bored. Maybe we could all chip in and get them each a Nintendo DS, so that they can play video games against each other instead of worrying about this whole stupid “soul” business. I bore pretty easily, but I don’t think even I could become so bored that I could bring myself to care about all this. Just let people live their fucking lives.

You know, it’s kind of startling how similar the fundamentalist versions of God and Satan seem to be. They both share the same obsessions, they both seem to feel that the ends are worth any means, they’re both pretty fuckin’ fascist, they both have this huge interest in this stupid “soul catch” game, they’re both pretty petty, they’re both angry and wrathful, they both trick people for whatever each of them feels is some ‘ultimate plan’ or ‘greater good’… the list goes on.

Satan could spear a fish with that nose.

So, wait, how does Halloween factor into any of this? Why is it impossible for kids to go door to door dressed as Sephiroth or Frank the Rabbit from Donnie Darko or whatever collecting candy and at the same time believe in Jesus? Where is there any kind of conflict of interest, other than perhaps gluttony once they get home and pig out on all their party-size candy bars?

Couldn’t the guy in the back come up with anything better than “you rat”? I mean, the guy helped trick him into an eternity drifting between unfathomable misery and ceaseless, limitless pain — you’d think he’d at least get a “@!!!**!” or something.

And what the fuck is “the laughing place”? I feel I’m missing some crucial context, here, that’s necessary for getting this ‘joke’.

No, Jack. No, it’s not “the SMART move”. Participating in this entire shitbrained process, this whole system of Biblical “good” and “evil”, this inaccurate and just plain fucking retarded binary way of classifying the scope of all human actions, is in fact pretty fucking stupid.


“Boo” is right. Though, it’s more of the “get off the stage” variety.

We were promised a slasher-movie-style plot, but it ended up turning into practically the most padding I’ve ever seen in a Chick Tract to date. Satan puts on a pumpkin over his head and inexplicably kills a bunch of people with a chainsaw at some camp that really ought to have been shut down, and then he takes off the pumpkin and some kid scares him away and the rest of the story is about eight lines of dialog stretched over about twelve pages of Tract.

It’s like if in the middle of Saw, the killer revealed himself and then pulled up a chair in the middle of the room so that they could all sit back and talk about Hodgkins Lymphoma for the rest of the movie without any more mention of killing or any kind of explanation for what had been going on in the first half of the film. Oh, and each character only says one line every thirty seconds.

For more Halloween fun, check out the Chick Dissection archives — I’ve dissected about four or five others, and I think he still has a couple others with this theme for whatever the fuck reason.

Next week, a guest Dissection of Gunslinger by Ascendance and yours truly. Stay tuned and tell your friends.

82 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Boo!

  1. I love how the “spooky worship doodad” resembles the Egyptian ankh, as if Chick is saying, “You enslaved the hellbound Jews all those years ago, so now I will exact revenge on you through a lame comic tract, Saru…er, Pharaoh! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!”

    This Satan has the worst case of Jew-nose ever.

  2. I like the way the Deputy immediately realises that the killer is Satan, and not just a guy wearing another mask under his pumpkin.

    And what happened to his snake?

  3. I really like this dissection- absolutely priceless!
    I can’t help wondering wether Chickman is anti-Xtian after all. Seriously, this tract is more likely to lose souls for Christ rather than saving them.
    Too bad that Chickman isn’t immortal – he could destroy Christianity within less than half a century (if we tie one hand behind his back, otherwise he might do it even faster).

    Please keep up the excellent work, we all need a laugh once in while.

  4. Man, the least Chick could have done was put some darn blood in the thing! It was supposeded to be based on slasher films, so there NEEDS to be BLOOD! That’s what makes a slasher film!

    Oh, and I think “laughing place” come from an old Disney movie called Song of the South. It’s not very well known becasue it’s old and no one has re-released it because they think it is racest (but most films where racest when it first came out too…)

  5. notice how this guy rejects Satan and tells him that he hates his birthday yet next day he asks pastor if Halloween is really his birthday? And isn’t surprised when he learns it isn’t.

    also check out the Jew nose on that druid

  6. Hm. Hannibal Lecter is on the wanted poster, I note. It’s interesting how Chick manages so many interesting background details while the tract as a whole is made of suck.

  7. I think the idea of Samhain being the name of a pumpkin headed spectre of Satan came from an episode of The Real Ghostbusters.

    A tract called The Gunslinger has put all sorts of ideas in to my head. I wonder how Chick would handle Roland’s dispatching of Sylvia Pittston’s demon child? “Abortion is wrong! Even if the fetus is the spawn of an allegorical Satan figure!” “The Man in Black fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed…. but the Gunslinger SHOULD have been following Jesus!!”

  8. You know, if Satan were actually this ridiculous (running around with a giant pumpkin on his head, forgetting his chainsaw), Satanism wouldn’t be much of a threat, because all the Satanists would renounce it in embarassment.

    This is how Chick depicts what’s supposed to be a serious adversary to God? Doesn’t say much for God.

    Also, Satan seems to think Halloween is his birthday (in the panel where he first appears), so either he’s retarded or the narcoleptic Paul Bunyan pastor is full of it.

  9. There were no pumpkins there back then! The whole Jack-o-lantern business started with turnips and an old folk myth, anyway. And if Satan was really so beautiful…why does Chick draw him like an ugly little Jew with horns? Maybe that’s what Chick is attracted to.

    If he’s going after things that “glamorize darkness”, you’d think he’d be less about Halloween, which really makes evil more silly than respectable, and more about either certain music (well, he does that one too) or horror flicks. For instance, I know at least three woman who thought Blackheart out of the Ghost Rider movie was hot–now there’s your demon worship. Get with the times, Chick!

  10. So as a law enforcement officer, one you realize that Satan is in town wearing a costume and killing people, wouldn’t you do more than just run away? Maybe phone the State Police or something? Form a posse?

    When was the last time you heard someone seriously use the word “tis” in a conversation?

  11. Warren: How’d you envisioned that? “Hello, FBI? You need to send your men in black over here immediately! Satan himself has manifested into our reality in all his dark glory! Then he disguised himself as a pumpkin and started re-enacting Texas Chainsaw Massacre! Help!”

    I’m sure that’d get them mobilized. :P

  12. 1. In panel 5, Satan states that Halloween is his birthday. He does not say it to anyone in particular, so it cannot be intended as a deception.

    2. In panel 12, the priest says that Halloween is not Satan’s birthday, so clearly

    3. The priest may well be wrong about other aspects of Satan.

  13. Y’know, I’m SURE I’ve seen a tract in which a little girl is given a copy of THIS tract. And it makes her all bouncy and keen to be converted to Christianity. What gives?

  14. The thing to remember about Jack Chick is that the Chick-man (at least according to this article I read in, I think, THE IMP) is a HUGE movie fan. He’s got tons of DVDs and videos in his office, and that’s where he gets a lot of his ideas. In some of his tracts, you see people tied to stakes in the Roman arena, so that bulls will charge at them and kill them. This is straight out of Quo Vadis, and it has been commented that a real bull would probably ignore someone tied to a stake (bulls don’t have very good vision, and someone tied up that way wouldn’t be moving and wouldn’t draw his attention).

    You see “cameos” of famous actors in a lot of Chick tracts; I daresay that some conscientious researcher will, one day, figure out just who’s who and write it up for a master’s thesis. I am not, myself, that much of a movie buff and couldn’t tell you who’s who.

    If you take this as Chick making fun of all the idiotic “slasher” movies that were so popular back when, it’s actually rather funny. And the Sheriff is intended to be not only Catholic *gasp* but Irish Catholic—hence, the “’tis.”

  15. 1.Funny how most of our information about the Druids comes from Roman propaganda about them such as Julius Caesar’s books. As the religious leaders of the Celtic people, the Druids posed a major threat to Roman domination of the Celtic lands and they were largely suppressed and killed off. By the 1st century Ad they had largely disappeared from continental Europe — holding out in Ireland and the Low Countries.

    2.From what we know about the Druids they were priests, scientists, philosophers, teachers, judges, lore-masters, and counselors to the Celtic kings. What they were not were evil, hooked-nosed killers.

    3.It is true that Celts sometimes practiced human sacrifice but all the evidence about it seems to indicate that it was rare — at times of famine or drought. The preferred method for sacrifice were drowning and burning — not stabbing on altars as depicted.

    4.Most cultures have practiced some form of human sacrifice at one time or another. In most cultures the sacrificial “victim” was a willing sacrifice and it was considered a great honor that made you one with the gods. Even the crucifixion is a human sacrifice that is said to reconcile us to god.

  16. Great dissection. If only you could rip the following tracts to pieces:

    -The Traitor: The TRUE STORY (OMG) of a Christian guy in India who MIRACULOUSLY stops the Goddess Kali and her legion of demons from tearing him to pieces and is INVULNERABLE TO SWORDS!

    -The Tycoon: Learn that Buddhism is actually a enterprise and that Jesus existed before Buddha (although knowing Chick, it’s no surprise).

    -Where’s Rabbi Waxman?: Dispensationalist attempt to convert the Jews to Christianity.

    -Love the Jewish People: Same as above, but with Zionist pretenses.

    -Holocaust: Same “Jesus is the Messiah” crap, with the “revelation” that the Vatican was behind the concentration camps.

    -Soul Story: Chick is a bad mother (shut your mouth!)

    -The Curse of Baphomet, Good Ol’ Boys, and The Unwelcome Guest: Find out that the Freemasons are a Satanic, Pagan and even Muslim cult!

    -What’s Wrong With This?: Apparently the entire booklet.

    It would be nice to see the “Crusaders” and “Alberto” comics get what’s coming to them. Also, check out the “Truth for Youth” manga-wannabe stuff; unrelated to Chick, but same fundie tripe.

  17. …Why the heck is the devil waving an ankh? An ankh is a symbol of life, for Bast’s sake.

    I’m sorry, the rest of this tract is too silly for me to even begin with. I’ll stick to my nitpick for now.

  18. Yay, another great dissection. This is one of the few Chick tracts I’ve found in real life- they’re not too common in this neck of the woods.

  19. Marissa: All non-cross symbols are automatically symbols of evil, in Chick’s world. Doesn’t matter what the “supposed” meaning behind it is, nor what time it came into existance.

  20. Okay, what the fuck is with Chick and cat sacrifices. Is he obsessed with the fact that pagan-types want to sacrifice cats or something? Maybe he’s a closet crazy cat lady.

  21. I also completely support the right of children to dress up as Sephiroth. Not just Halloween. Any time of the year.

  22. Since when is Druidism Satanism, anyway?

    For Chick, anything that isn’t Christianity = Satanism.
    And in his way of thinking, that’s true whether its practioners intend it to be Satanic or not.

  23. Wait, why is the guy who organized the trip all scared of the “mysterious killer”, but has no qualms about one of the students (I’m guessing they’re students, if this is a class trip) sacrificing a cat to Satan? And in the heirarchy of potential animal sacrifices, you’d think cats would be pretty low. I mean, God demanded no less than a sheep; why does the Devil always get the shaft?

    • “… why does the Devil always get the shaft?”

      Careful you! That’s what the devil asked and got kicked out of heaven for it.

  24. I’m sure you mentioned it already J, but the whole “druids and pumpkins,” thing is utter bullcrap. Mostly due to the fact that pumpkins–and squash and corn–are indigenous to the Americas.

    Wow, those Druids must have been expert navigators…too bad no records remain of their vast naval empire.

  25. “Ha Ha Ha Ha,
    Ho Ho Ho!
    Boy are we in luck!
    We’re visiting our Laughing Place
    Yuk Yuk Yuk Yuk Yuk!
    Ho Ho Ho,

    Everybody’s got a Laughing Place
    A Laughing Place to go-ho-ho.
    Take your frown
    Turn it upside-down
    And you’ll find yours
    We know-ho-ho!

    Honey and rainbows on our way.
    We laugh because our work is play.
    Boy are we in luck!
    We’re visiting our Laughing Place
    Yuk Yuk Yuk Yuk Yuk!
    Ho Ho Ho,

    Everybody’s got a Laughing Place
    A Laughing Place to go-ho-ho.
    Take a smile there
    For a while and
    You’ll find yours we know-ho-ho!

    Honey and rainbows on your way.
    Take that frown
    Turn it upside-down
    And soon you’ll find
    You’re here to stay.

    Everybody’s got a Laughing Place
    A Laughing Place to go-ho-ho.
    Come on in,
    Give us all a grin,
    And you’ll find yours
    I know-ho-ho!

    Laughing is how we spend our day.
    Plenty o’ fun is what we make.
    Boy are we in luck.
    We’re visiting our Laughing Place.
    Yuk Yuk Yuk Yuk Yuk!
    Oh ho ho,

    Everybody’s got a Laughing Place
    A Laughing Place to go-ho-ho.
    We’ve found one and
    It’s filled with fun
    And you’ll find yours
    We know-ho-ho.

    Everybody’s got a laughing place
    A laughing place to go-ho-ho!
    Take that frown
    Turn it upside down
    And you’ll find yours
    We say-hey-hey.
    And soon you’ll find
    You’re here to stay!”

    And apparently it’s also Hell.

  26. I’ll bet Jack pronounces it “saem-HEN” like a hillbilly.

    “God hates human sacrifice! That’s why he told Abraham and Jesus to do it! SHUT UP IT MAKES SENSE!”

  27. I wonder what Celtic Reconstructionists think of this track.

    Also, did the Druids ever have contact with the ancient Egyptians? Why the ankh? Next thing we know Chick is going to come up with a Sumerian priest sacrificing a virgin on an Aztec calendar.

  28. Um, something just occured to me: if we are to believe Chickman, then Satan is the source of all sorcery/magic which begs the question why he should fool around with a material object like this chainsaw. The least I would expect from the “Lord of Magic” would be a combination of “Imperio”-”Crucio”-”Avada Kedavra” with “Sectumsempra” added to make the whole thing really messy.
    But who knows, maybe he wanted to inflict suffering manually for a change…
    No, that’s too rational an explanation. The reason why this and all those other silly tracts are in circulation is the fact that Chickman is a stupid git who couldn’t find his own arse without professional help.

  29. HMMM it was going to be a cat sacrifice this Halloween but thanks to this informative tract I now realize that the master… wants no feline but covets HUMAN flesh. Many thanks to Jack Chick for showing me where we have been going wrong all these years!

    Jack Chick has brought me closer to the LORD :)

    (the great pumpkin!)

    • Uh Sir, could you enlighten us to where this leaves worshippers of the Great pumpkin like, say Linus? The peanuts guy, not the open source guy.

  30. this hallowe’en i am going to dress up as a nun and tell everyone that their beliefs are all wrong and satanic.

    and then we will laugh behind our hands, and rinl a lot.

  31. Heh. Many of Chick’s tracts are pure randomness, but this one is a contender for the number one spot.

    How exactly does a poor-imitation comic version of a Slasher flick get a person closer to God? And what the hell did the first half of the comic have to do with the second half? What did the camp plot have to do with the Joey plot?

    And it’s no wonder Chick has such a dislike of teachers; his knowledge of history and comparative religion sound like something Eric Cartman would try to pass off as legit. If he wrote elaborate bullshit reports like this for school, he no doubt failed and started a lifelong feud with academia.

    It’s possible he was trying to be funny and cute. But, it’s also entirely possible he honestly believes all this stuff. He might truly believe Satan appears to people so he can… uh… yell at them. He might actually think that witches and Satanists are the same thing and number in the millions who all have special calendars clearly marking Samhain. All of which seriously puts his sanity into question!

  32. > I’ll bet Jack pronounces it “saem-HEN” like a hillbilly.

    Oh heck no. ANYone knows the Correct Fundie Pronunciation [TM] is “Sam Hain.”

  33. To DMC: Unlike Chick Cartman is at least somewhat intelligent (or is at least cunning).

    However, the two of them might get along. They both hate Jews.

  34. “Oh heck no. ANYone knows the Correct Fundie Pronunciation [TM] is ‘Sam Hain.’”

    I think we’re both describing the same pronunciation.

  35. This is the best dissection in a while (not that they’re not enlightening or witty, just a tad on the vituperative side recently).

    My first thought was, “What’s his name? Pastor Moai? Lumber Jack Moai?” His face is set to Coma.

    Druid: “Liam goes all the way to Egypt, and all he brings back is this stupid keychain. I think it’s time to build a sacrifical wicker basket.”

    When I was a kid I lived across the street from some wacky fundie types who turned out the lights and went to bed early every year on Halloween. They had a little girl my age who tried earnestly to explain to me that Halloween was all about devil worship. I couldn’t even understand what she was talking about – I failed to see any connection between the devil and dressing up as Raphael with little plastic sai and begging for KitKats. This was one of my first major clues that Christians take the ‘fun’ out of fundamentalism, but make up for it with extra ‘mental’.

    (I found out recently that the guy who played Uncle Carlton on Fresh Prince of BelAir was also the voice of Shredder. Blew me away. Also I was shamed to be reminded that I had once taken seriously the villainous exploits of a guy with henchmen named ‘Bebop’ and ‘Rock-Steady’. What the hell was 10 year-old me thinking?)

    The Lord rebukes Satan: “Naughty Satan. Bad dippyduck. No cookie!” *smack!* with a newspaper on his hook nose.

    I hope Chick ends up with someone screaming, “HAW! HAW! You lousy rat!” into both his ears for all eternity.

  36. What the hell is this? I am still just staring at the scene where satan removes his pumpkin. What the hell is this!? It makes no sense at all. Why doesn’t satan kill the fundies, anywhy? It would stop all the converting his followers to jesus.
    Also chick, no one sacrifises cats at parties! According to the FBI, satanism doesn’t even exist. Also, I think the reason chick always depicts parties as satanic is because he never got invited to them in high school, for fear that he would ruin them by trying to convert everyone into believing that the beatles where satanists.
    After the Gunslinger, could you please dissect “Party Girl” It has possibly chicks worst drawn face to date. I won’t tell you the panal, you will know it when you see it.

  37. While everybody else has misshapen, gaping maws or pursed anus-mouths, Pastor Moai communicates by telepathy. His mouth doesn’t move the entire time! Or maybe that’s not a soulpatch, it’s a little anime mouth beneath a horribly disfiguring scar below his nose. Ew.

  38. Jabberwock, one tract I would love to see you dissect is “The Promise”, although it’ll definitely be contentious.

    Why that particular tract? Because it is one of the few Chick tracts with political overtones, with “Love the Jewish People” in very much the same league.

    The plot of “The Promise”? An attempt to explain the REAL (according to Chick) origin of the Middle-East crisis. You’ll bust a gut, I guarantee! Not least of all because Chick seems to think that bus wreckage from suicide bombers are Middle-Eastern tourist attractions.

  39. Well, Jabberwock, you’ve been in a low point for a while, but I’m glad to see that you’re back in top form.

    Great job, as always!! (PS: I know that some of the original source material doesn’t leave much room for parody, and I know that you were doing your best all the same.)

    Happy Halloween!

    NIX

  40. Man, I want a Sephiroth costume. I’d snap it right up if they made one.

    That said, this is one of your best dissections. (Joining in the chorus of ‘you should do *’, you should try and track down the old tract he did with the molested girl whose father comes to God. It’s pretty disgustingly epic.)

  41. “Oh heck no. ANYone knows the Correct Fundie Pronunciation [TM] is ‘Sam Hain.’”

    Which is how I always pronounce it, because there’s nothing funnier than seeing a smug neopagan shriek about how you’re disrespecting their heritage.

  42. Wow. “God is good, Satan is Evil.” I think we’ve all seen this same thing about a million flipping times. Why can’t Chick come up with anything that’s at all creative, or for that matter, factual?
    Oh and about the Sephiroth costume: Of course they can’t go dressed up as Sephiroth, or for that matter, a member of Organization XIII, Link, Emperor Palpatine, etc. They all come from fictional worlds that have elements that violate the Bible (gasp!) and thus dressing as them commits a double sin (Halloween and fantasy). In fact, all of those but Link are vilains, so it’s a third sin for emulating evil.

  43. “Which is how I always pronounce it, because there’s nothing funnier than seeing a smug neopagan shriek about how you’re disrespecting their heritage.”

    It’s okay as long as you’re doing it for the lulz.

  44. I would like to see you people take on the following tracts:

    Trust Me. The protaginist in the tract gets suckered into drugs, first as a user and then as a dealer. He ends up in jail and gets raped, and in typical Chick character luck gets AIDS. He gets saved in the end though.

    Sin Busters. This tract starts with a teacher getting the full Rodney King treatment from the local cops (while two guys who look like the wandered over from a Miami Vice rerun conduct a dope deal a few feet away), for putting up the Ten Commandments in his classroom. The rest of the tract features one student telling his classmate about the commandments themselves and how America doesn’t want kids to learn them. Paranoid much!

    Angels? A “Christian” rock band named The Green Angels become big stars with their new manager Louis Siffer. Need I say more?

    Those are what I can think of right now.

  45. Oh, god I just read Trust Me…I must say WTF was that, the dude bent over to get saved and here I would think after being prison raped (and apparently multiple times since he looks pretty battered) you wouldn’t want to bend over. Maybe the prisoners respect Jesus, so that when he you bend over to be his bitch they can’t do anything?…I’m sorry that joke had to be made.

  46. Satan had a birthday? How do we know. Ok, Jack-where in the BIBLE does it say that 10/31 is the Devil’s B-day?? Also, note that all characters in his comics simple point at Satan and say “get lost”. WHy no fasting, prayer-etc, as Jesus tells us. Why no physical attacks by Satan, as Paul went through?? or Padre Pio…oops, thats right, those Papists!!

  47. The time frame in this tract is confusing. It is Midnight when Satan starts killing the teens, then at 12:40 they find out it is Satan in some stupid setting, then a few minutes later, he is harassed by some kid at church. Why would some kid be in a church praying at 1 Am on Halloween. Also, if he did kill them at Midnight and all the stupid shit afterwards, it would be November 1st, so the need to kill anyone would be passed. 8 pm would be more logical, but that is something all Chick tracts lack.

    Continuing, the next morning means that the boy waited until November 2nd to talk to the Pastor who can speak telepathically( he never opens his mouth). He the boy is up late at night in a church, he could have been able to wait a few more hours to speak to the pastor.

    Chick lost more sanity in this tract. He keeps saying it is Satan’s birthday, even having Satan say that, but then denies that it is. I doubt Chick even rereads these as he makes them. He just scribbles on the paper, do the same on the next one, staple it together, and send it to a publishing company.

    Currently, Chick is 83, so it is obvious he is becoming more and more senile as these tracts come out.

  48. You know what gets me? ALl this talk about how tricky and dangerous an adversary the devil is, yet what did god do with him?

    Instead of putting all the rebellious angels into hell right away, he places them in the same place where he’s going to be placing man.

    It’s like dropping your kids off at a park where you know that drug dealers hang out, then wondering why the kids get into trouble later. For such a smart being, that’s one hell of a tactical error.

  49. in the 4th panel, the guy in the glasses thinks the guy in the cap is gross. is it either because cap dude is going to help sacrifice a cat or because he just shoved his finger up his ass and is now showing everybody the little piece of feces and a corn kernel that just came out of his bunghole?

  50. Yeah I love how the “Druid” Is holding an Ankh…
    An Ancient Egyptian symbol for eternal life…
    That they wouldn’t have come into contact with for a looong-ass time…
    Good job Chick, way to learn your history!!!

  51. Hi.
    I stumbled upon these comics earlier today, and I was seriously speechless at first. I thought “Oh, more silly propaganda, this will be fun to snark at”, but some of them….my jaw just dropped at horribley close-minded they were, and some of them seemed like straight-out brainwashing…and I thought I’d seen it all :/

    Anyway, thanks for the comic relief and backlash to these…things that I so much needed after stumbling upon it. I feel so much better now :D

  52. My mum’s a practicing pagan, and she’s never used a pumpkin for any of the pagan rituals, just for amusing the little kids that come by.

    But the idea that Samhain somehow relates to human sacrifice and blood is absolutely ridiculous. It’s a time to celebrate and remember those who have passed on, and perhaps the barrier between the spirit world and our world being broken. Wouldn’t human sacrifice be, you know, completely contradictory to that?

  53. What’s with Jack Chick and Cat sacrifice?

    So, maybe that’s the reason he hates atheists! One of them killed his cat and as he grew he assumed it was for his “evil atheist satanic rituals”. And tah-dah! We get Mr. Fundy comics.

  54. Where does Chick get this “a third of the angels” rebelled with Satan? I don’t recall that from the Bible offhand, but Chick doesn’t actually cite any verses to back it up.

  55. First Jabberwock points out that a guy in the cabin looks like Ron Jeremy. Then Technomad writes that Chick “is a HUGE movie fan. He’s got tons of DVDs and videos in his office”, and “You see ‘cameos’ of famous actors in a lot of Chick tracts”. Put two and two together.

  56. Oh dear! As a (gasp) practicing Witch, I dont know if I should laugh, cry or vomit when reading Mr Chic’s inaccuracies, lies, propaganda (aww ok, bullsh*t) How the hell (ooh said a scary word) can you villify pagans/witches/wiccans if you can’t at least get your facts straight – you cant convert a witch to xtianity if you tell him/her that their practices & beliefs are evil if you can’t even state what those practices/ belifs really are!

    Hate, lies, propaganda – the tools are inferior but they do seem to convince the feeble minded who need a crutch! Back to the dark ages mr chick (no capital letters used – none deserved!)

    …and as for Chicky boys mate william shnoebelen (hmmm probably spelt it wrong) well, he WAS a High Priest of Wicca???? yeah well, Ive read his books, the poor deluded man has never set foot in a Witches Circle! His “facts” are all wrong!

    We Witches have a live & let live policy, respecting all religions but we do wish people like chick would lay off the metho and leave us alone! Didn’t we cop enough in the inquisition?

    Ok, enuff said, gotta go summon my infernal master ….well according to chick anyway! – really Im just going to revere nature (naughty me!)

    Blessed be!
    Rowan
    (oooh a REAL High Priestess of Celtic Witchcraft …fade to dramatic music)

  57. I really effin’ love Chick’s Satan. O.o He’s a party animal woot.

    I’ve spent the last while reading all your dissections of these Tracts and I have to say, I don’t know a single person who would follow any of this.

    I’m starting to think Chick has something against education because he clearly has never had any, except maybe bullshit evangelist works that he blindly follows, then adds his own shit to and then publicizes in these things O.o

    *F-A-C-E–P-A-L-M* >_<!

  58. Love the dissections, Jabberwock.

    Also, I would just like to note that without the Vikings and their Paganism (Which, for all intents and purposes, is a lot more forgiving than Christianity) we would not have yule logs, misteltoe; and, here’s the real kicker, we wouldn’t exchange gifts on Christmas.

    Thats right Christ-tards, without the Vikings who pillaged your churches all those centuries ago you wouldn’t be giving little Tommy the red bike he’s been wanting all year.

    How’s that for irony?

  59. What can poor Brer Rabbit do
    To keep from becoming rabbit stew?
    Warning Brer Rabbit is wasting my breath!
    The rabbit is facing certain death!
    Don’t you go to the laughin’ place
    Or the fox will get you too!
    Stay away from the laughin’ place!
    You must beware the fox is there!
    Don’t go in!
    That Brer Fox’s had his way
    At the laughin’ place this very day!

  60. Not getting enough eggs thrown at your house? Are you too popular with your neighbors? Kids at school aren’t beating up your children enough? Chick Tracts at Halloween are your perfect solution!

  61. Um…and not to pile on with you Jack, but pumpkins (and thus Jack O’Lanterns) were not introduced to the British Isles until after the Druids had disappeared.

  62. It’s kind of funny that Chick brings up the war in heaven, which basically has no biblical basis at all and is the kind of early-church lore he usually rails against, and Satan being named as Lucifer which is based on one word accidentally being left in Latin in a context where it’s actually the name of Jesus.

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