Chick Dissection | What’s Wrong With This?

OR: Jack Chick Completely Undermines Himself and His Lifetime of Effort

Billions worship some kind of idol. But there is only one way to heaven, and that’s through JESUS.

Hundreds of millions read books other than the Bible! Millions have masturbated within ten miles of a church! Thousands saved fifteen percent or more on their car insurance!

Which idol? Strangely, skimming ahead a bit, this one doesn’t appear to have the “if you watch TV instead of going to church, it means you’re worshiping a false idol” message, but rather seems to be referring to actual religious idols. So I guess those of us who don’t believe in or worship any kind of overblown, mythological fairytale aren’t really the target audience for this one.

Who is? Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, and everyone else who doesn’t believe in and abide by fundamentalists’ specific version of religion. …Including fundamentalists, apparently. You’ll see.

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Chick Dissection Tomorrow

Your regularly scheduled Chick Dissection will be up at some point later tomorrow (Tuesday). I usually do them either on the weekend or at some point on Monday, but it was kind of a busy weekend, and today was really busy. Sorry.

No Darkies

Is it just me, or does the logo for the DCI Counterterrorism Center look like something that could just as easily be hanging on the front door of a KKK meet-up?

Wonderful. This seems like every negrophobic’s vision of the Dark Menace, gallivanting through the inner cities with automatic rifle in hand, with the sole intention of villainous, violent ne’er-do-wellery. It may or may not be wearing a ski mask, but as the entire thing is one big seamless black man, it’s hard to tell.

Speaking of, Reason magazine takes a moment to diverge from its usual activity of spritzing out right-wing pissery to publish an interesting article about The Worst Mayor in the U.S. (and, according to Keith Olbermann, one of the the Worst [People] in the World). What a fascist son of a shitstain.


And in other site-related news, I’ve been putting up some more images on the captioning site, thanks to reader Grassdragon and to Bil Keane. There are a few bugs left, but they should be fixed soon. Go there and caption stuff. The pics aren’t going to caption themselves, you know. Even if you don’t have anything in mind, check out the ones that are already there. They’re funny. So check it out.

Do Search Right

Cory Doctorow has written a great, paranoid short story about a Google-run future. Check it out, if you haven’t already. It’s a lot of fun.

In other news, I’ve started advertising with Project Wonderful on The Comics Curmudgeon. Here are the ads I’ve run so far:

There are a few more I’ve already made which will be going up sometime in the future, and even more in the works. I’ll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, we as a country become increasingly fascist and oppressive. But this is — quite sadly — not exactly news. It probably won’t be long until it’s implicitly illegal for musicians to release subversive or “unpatriotic” music, and Homeland Security is paying people in the recording industry to turn in anyone whose lyrics send off any warning bells. The Empire Never Ended.

Gee, here’s a thought:

Why don’t they line the tallest points over which the Santa Anas blow — just completely fucking saturate them — with wind turbines? They’d be generating environmentally friendly electricity — granted, only the most substantial amounts of energy during this time of the year, but still — while simultaneously helping to cut back the Santa Anas to levels where they can’t sweep fucking fire across the entire southwest corner of the country once a year.

Think wind turbines are “eyesores”? Go fuck yourself.

Chick Dissection | Gun Slinger (Guest Dissection by Ascendance)

Good evening, cats and kittens, ’tis your friendly neighborhood nepphie again, ready to entertain you with a riveting Dissection! This week I’ll be tackling Gun Slinger, and contrary to previous promises, I think the temptation to make it one long Dark Tower joke is going to be a bit too much to resist.

That said, let’s dive right in!

J: Personally, I’d never dive into anything as shallow as a Chick Tract, but you go right ahead and sustain that paralyzing neck injury. I’ll head over to the phone and dial 9 and 1 and wait to see what happens.

A hired killer trusts Christ and, at death, goes to heaven. But the law-abiding marshal who hunted him rejects Christ and goes to hell. Clearly shows that salvation is through grace, not works.

J: Clearly shows. In much the same way that Return of the King clearly shows that Hobbits are the most trustworthy creatures when it comes to handling the One Ring, or the way Back to the Future II clearly shows that Hoverboards are fuckin’ awesome. That is, by dealing entirely in fiction, and thus being able to completely skirt reason.

J: As usual, by the way, my comments will appear like this, with preceding J:.


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AIM Transcript: On American Sentiments Toward a Black Presidential Candidate

Djur: Alec argues that Obama is an acceptable compromise because he’s at least somewhat human.
Djur: I’m not entirely in accord with that yet, but he’s working on me.
EtJabberwock: Well I, for one, am just impressed as shit at the fact that Obama is articulate.
Djur: No kidding. And he’s clean.
EtJabberwock: Oh, my, yes. No lice at all.
EtJabberwock: And he doesn’t fling his feces at ANYone.
EtJabberwock: Nor does he scream “MOTHERFUCKER I WANT SOME ICED TEA” at restaurants.

Gesundheit

Seriously, it’s amazing how much trouble the Democrats will go to in order to not have a ‘single-payer’ healthcare system.” — Djur

In many other industrialized countries, including our “neighbor to the north”, you’ll find demonstrably effective healthcare systems (variations on the ‘single-payer’ theme) that seem to work absolutely fine, or at least roughly fifty thousand dozen times better than our current system in the U.S. Yet for some unfathomable reason (or, well, quite frankly because our political system is profoundly broken and special-interest money always supersedes public interests and needs, and private insurance companies have a shitload of money), our politicians are doing everything possible to avoid adopting anything resembling any of these systems.

It’s like if they were setting out to build a car, and they looked at the general composition of a motor vehicle, and then decided “nah, fuck it, let’s put eighty wheels on it and make the engine out of wood and butter.” Then, when the whole thing inevitably breaks and is about a hundred times as expensive as they anticipated, as anyone with half the goddamned reasoning skills of an ear of corn could have predicted, they end up wondering what went wrong.

Meanwhile, instead of eliminating private insurance — the single-most fuckawful and destructive business model that has ever been birthed from the minds of bloodsucking, rent-seeking, sinister shitwads like some monstrous, sentient, peanut-encrusted, gluttonous turd that can only be fed with the desperate, the dead, and the screams of horrified children — we develop some bafflingly complicated welfare system to ensure its continued survival, at the expense yet again of the American people.

In fact, insurance is so much worse than rent-seeking behavior, because it’s basically rent-seeking directly at the expense of people’s lives and safety. And instead of simply financially benefiting from a transaction without contributing anything to it (which is the general definition of ‘rent-seeking’), they benefit from a transaction while doing whatever they possibly can to interfere with the transaction actually being carried out successfully, meanwhile taking your money to pay people to ensure that this interference is successful and you are denied the service you’ve been paying for.

Of course, the Democrats’ half-assed attempts at “healthcare” which are really just thinly-veiled corporatist accommodation and kowtowing are all doomed to failure. Likely it’ll be a lateral move to a system just as broken as what we currently have, and in the end, nothing will be accomplished and people will still go without the necessary medical treatments they so desperately need. Republicans and liberal economists will point to it as vindication that government programs don’t work. And years from now, when the subject of socialized healthcare is once again broached, everyone will say “but we TRIED that and it didn’t work”, even though we really didn’t try — we made the car with eighty wheels and a wooden engine.

Chick Dissection | Boo!

This takeoff on horror films reveals the truth about Halloween.

More accurately put: “This combination of every groan-inducing, generic horror film or scary story cliché Chick could dredge from the recesses of his sheltered, dullard mind are reminiscent of some kind of goofy hallucination that incorporates a bunch of stereotypical Halloween icons while bearing no resemblance to anything that is in any way a truth about Halloween.”

In ample time for the holiday in question (so you can get enough copies printed to hand out to trick-or-treaters instead of or in addition to candy, like some kind of asshole), I give you…


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Captioning Thing

So, the reason I’m late with the Jack Chick Dissection again this week is in part because this weekend was Janet’s birthday, and in part because I spent the rest of my time working on something that I’m hoping you’re all going to find pretty fun. I’m not sure what to call it yet, but it’s modeled after Spinn’s A1/IADL/DFC thing. He hasn’t had an active version of it for a year or two (long enough, at least, that I can’t really even remember how long it’s been), and I’ve kind of been wanting to set something like it up for a while, and people commenting on his blog have been sort of itching for it.

Anyway, CLICK HERE TO GO THERE. It’s an OpenLaszlo application, compiled to DHTML, and should work in most web browsers. (If you have Opera or basically anything but Firefox, Safari or IE, it’s not guaranteed to work, but it usually does.) Please forgive any fucked up problems or issues, as the app is currently beta quality. Bugs should all be worked out relatively soon. (While you’re there, please ignore the app on the front page of the site, which needs a lot of work and is not really ready for public consumption yet.)

There’s a bit of a moderation process that I should explain, and in this respect I’ll also be borrowing from Spinn’s method: Your comments won’t show up right away after you’ve submitted them — instead they go into a queue for me to sort through. This helps me keep jackasses who want to leave, like, “HURR THAT’S A NIGGER” kinds of captions from actually getting any airtime. (This disclaimer will be integrated into the app in the next version.) Comments that seem spot on are green. Comments that either could use some improvement on the funny or are funny but in kind of a “dive bomb”, ironic way will be red.

I should note a few things: a) I’m not going to be the only one moderating. There will be others helping me out. b) The moderation panel will be hiding the submission’s contact information, so all caption submissions will be anonymous. If your comment ends up rejected or red zoned, don’t take it personally. Keep trying.

You can also take participation a step further by submitting your own photos. For right now, contact me using the contact page over at the bottom of the nav on the left. In the future, this process will be more streamlined. I’m looking for anything potentially mockable. Send me shitty yearbook photos, pictures of your friends with horrific 90s haircuts, whatever.

Anyway, hope you all enjoy it. I spent a whole weekend working on it. There should be a Chick Dissection up within the next 24 hours or so.