This one currently has no introduction on Jack’s Big List O’ Tracts. I’m not sure what significance there is to that, if any. So I’ll make up my own, based on a brief skim-through:
Dinosaurs were really magical dragons! They survived the Great Flood by riding on Noah’s Ark, only to be hunted into extinction by Appalachian yokels. Only Jesus can save you from science! Who are you going to trust: God or worshipers of devil-strewn fossils?
If the last few Tracts are any indication, Jack’s descent into hilarious madness is rapidly accelerating. I don’t know why he felt the need to make yet another Tract about the “Great Flood”, but whatever. It’s crazier, goofier and dumber than its predecessors, which results in much amusement all around.
“Holy fuck, why am I puking trees? WHY AM I PUKING TREES!?”
“Gasp… have to hide before anyone sees me in this Chick Tract! How embarrassing!” Or: “Oh, crap, it’s that creepy religious asshole sneaking up and drawing me again. I have to hide before he puts me in another panel of this fuckawful thing!”
Not only did dinosaurs coexist with man, they were also made of small bricks, apparently.
“Hee-haw! Everybody do the kick dance! Hee-hoo! Whoo! Put your hands in the air, like you jus’ don’t care!”
“Grab your weapons — Bob’s seeing dinosaurs again. We’re going to have to beat him into another coma before he kills someone again.”
Ah, so it wasn’t meteors that killed the dinosaurs, it was shark-faced, spear-toting frontiersmen. Why, that makes SO much more sense than, oh, say, fossil evidence.
How does he know those tracks aren’t just tricks of Satan?
Man, it’s really out of breath. This must be… wait for it… Puff the Magic Dragon. HAW HAW HAW.
You know you’re fucked when your lynch mob has Death himself in it.
So dinosaurs… were dragons*… that hid in clouds. And you know, you’d think that if they thought in English, they’d have developed a better understanding with humans.
Check out the look on its face — what kind of cloud is that, anyway? Perhaps the “Puff Puff” means something other than the difficulty breathing one might’ve initially expected. After all, why in fuck would there be a cloud resting on top of a small hill?
* You’ll see in a second.
That nose goes all the way from the top of his head down to his mouth. He could suffocate himself by sticking out his tongue. That’s probably how this ghastly early offshoot of humanity died out.
Meanwhile, Jedediah Neckbeard, over on the left, is all spacing out on moonshine. “Where? I ain’t see nothin’! I done gone blind from drinkin’ rubbin’ alcohol!”
“HAW! Dinosau– er, sorry, I mean… Dragons have a negligibly smaller intelligence than we do!”
No, seriously, what the fuck is with that cloud? Is he being gratuitously cartoony, or does he actually think this is what clouds are like? Why is it sitting on top of a small hill? This… I don’t… what? *sigh* Well, at least there are backgrounds in this one.
Yeah, uh, how many dinosaur fossils are there that show ANY indication AT ALL of contact with man-made instruments? Like, apparently, as depicted here, a bone-saw. I mean, even if they’re carting off just the meat, you’d think someone would’ve made marks of some sort on the bones. Or that as tribal societies — which they basically actually were at that point — they’d have made jewelry or tools or other things from bones.
This will take them 36 trips. Exactly. They sat around and counted it out, apparently.
What is this, the fuckin’ Flintstones? They gonna drop an oversized chunk of meat into the side of their foot-powered automobile, accidentally flipping it on its side? Come on, Jack — where are the prehistoric pig garbage disposals? The Wooly Mammoth showers? “Mmmm, yabbadabbadoo! Dino-burgers!”
Okay, so, make note of this for a few panels from now: They call them “dino-burgers”, and this is apparently supposed to be taking place, here, shortly after the “Great Flood” and all that. This will be relevant in just a second.
HOMPH CHOMPH MMM LAST DINOSA– Er… DRAGON! MMM HOMPH OMPH
“Grandpa, why do you look like an aged, wet Wolverine?”
Also great is that they’re just carelessly and obliviously slaughtering this entire species. Considering they’re dressed like 19th-century Americans, one would think they might have advanced enough to have maybe a little more foresight about things like killing off one of their primary food sources instead of, say, trying to domesticate them for herding purposes or something. Given their stone houses, they don’t appear to be nomadic, so I don’t see why they couldn’t do a little dino-farming. Considering the dinosaurs apparently think they’re “hidden” just because their eyeballs are seeing clouds surrounding them, they don’t seem like they’ll be that hard to corral and maintain.
Of course not! God just created the Earth with pre-fabricated craters that just seem, to those easily-led Darwin-worshipping lientists, like they were caused by meteor strikes. Or else somehow in the first two thousand years of Earth’s existence (out of six thousand, remember), God played around with statistics so that the Earth would become just a fuckin’ magnet for large meteors, but he totally muted the consequences of their impacts so that nobody would notice when these huge chunks, repeatedly colliding with Earth over a period of one or two thousand years, should’ve been having an effect akin to detonating millions of nuclear weapons. See, that’s just much simpler and more believable an explanation, right there.
“RARRGLE RABBLE RARGLE! ONLY DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH! AND THEN A GIANT COMET HIT, AND I’M REALLY FUCKIN’ PISSED OFF ABOUT IT!”
This guy doesn’t look as Stereojewy as Jack normally makes his Antagonist Professor types. This one’s more just a dumpy Hitler, with a killer comb-over.
“Hey, you guys,”, said God, “I haven’t made a duck yet, but this is what it’s going to look like, see? And it’ll go all, like, ‘quack! Quaaaaack!’ Pretty cool, huh?”
So why aren’t there, to use examples from this panel, any fossils from zebras, emus, lions, and some bird I can’t identify, in the same locations or geological strata as the fossils of dinosaurs?
Meanwhile, the “evidence” in the Bible which supposedly depicts the creation of dinosaurs is in Genesis 1:21, where God created the “great sea monsters”. (KJV, by the way, translates it as “great whales”.) Apparently, there were no land dinosaurs created at this time. Either that, or whoever wrote the Bible made a bit of a fuck-up (because, as we all know, the Bible was written, translated and interpreted by man, regardless of whether it was divinely inspired), and they meant “great monsters, some of which lived in the sea”, or something along those lines. I mean, either the biblical description is incomplete or inaccurate, or it just doesn’t talk about dinosaurs at all. In other words, if the depiction in the Bible is that of dinosaurs, it does it in a great big vague fuck-up of a way that calls into question every other depiction in the Bible. How can they claim that “sea monsters” means “enormous lizards, many of which walked around on land”, but that at the same time they’re taking the Bible literally? (I’ll get to the “but it really translates into “dragons” thing in just a minute.)
Further, HOW IN FUCK DID THEY NOT JUST ALL EAT EACH OTHER? Yeah, t-rex in a big garden with a bunch of meat scampering around. You don’t have to be omnipotent to recognize that’s a horrible idea. I’m surprised half the species even managed to pump out a single subsequent generation, considering how many animals were natural predators of many of the others.
And then a biped snake dragon twice as tall as they were that had a radioactive skull sneaked up on Eve, and she totally didn’t just, like, shit herself and run away in terror. That’s not a fuckin’ snake. What’s Jack trying to do, here? By “serpent”, the Bible meant “dinosaur”? Is every kind of lizard or amphibian ever now considered a “dinosaur” to fundamentalists? Is this what they have to resort to in defense of their lunatic, anti-science, totally-lacking-in-evidence perspective on the history of Earth?
By the way, there’s nothing about “Eve’s weakness” in the actual Bible. It was all just the snake telling her “no, seriously, you can eat from the tree, and you won’t die today, and you’ll be smarter”. Nothing about Eve’s aspirations or anything like that. I have no clue why Chick keeps trying to make Eve seem like some kind of horrible, wicked, ambitious bitch. Maybe he just doesn’t like women, for some reason.
Godly? But I thought “no one is righteous, not one”.
Look what happened next ———-> Nothing!
Coming from people who believe in a god that nearly ordered a man to kill his own baby son, there’s not a lot of ground for criticism, here.
Looks like the tribe on the left worships Kirsty Alley. (*rimshot* Tip your thetan. I mean… waitress.)
Actually, maybe it’s more the Church of Maurice Sendak of Latter-Day Saints or something.
Oh, wow, white text that’s not on a solid black background. I’d have to check to be sure, but I think this might be a first.
What fuckin’ good would repentance have done, anyway? They were damned to hell regardless of what they did, weren’t they? If not, why the need for Jesus, and that whole contrived process?
Ooh, wow, they were really wicked. They told a man “Shut up!”
For tonight’s performance, Noah will be played by Donald Sutherland.
Now, remember when I pointed out the “dino-burgers”? Why wouldn’t they have called them “dragon burgers”? Unless, of course, Jack is suggesting that that actually was 1800s America, after 1841, when “they were renamed ‘dinosaurs’.” Which, erm, I’m sorry, but: WHAT. Sure, the term “dinosaur” (from Greek, “dinos” + “saurus”, meaning “terrible lizard”) was coined in 1841, but that doesn’t mean it “replaced” the word “dragon”. That’s… just retarded, really.
Funny how dinosaurs don’t really resemble the dragons you see depicted on the covers of fantasy novels and elsewhere, or dragons from various cultures all around the world. (Maybe that’s why we have a different word for them.) For instance, Chinese New Year dragon — have we ever found any fossils for anything that even remotely resembles that fuckin’ weird-assed thing?
Okay, anyone who thinks the fabled Ark was only that fucking big has already lost their argument. If you look at the door on the last page, and then look at the door here, you can get a rough approximation of its size. It’s maybe three times as tall as the dinosaurs, here, at best. This thing had to hold every multicellular organism on the planet, with enough food for all of them. Including the carnivores. For forty days. (I assume they’d have needed food, because if God could just freeze their metabolic processes and instincts, why couldn’t he have just put them into total suspension, flooded the place, and then taken them out of suspension when the waters cleared? They also would’ve all had to have been organized in a ridiculously precise way, so as to prevent them all eating each other.) I’m not entirely sure there’d even have been enough lumber in whatever given area Noah was in for him to build such a thing. Not only that, it’d be like a single person constructing a boat the size of, say, and I’m just guessing here — and still probably underestimating — Rhode Island. How many thousand years would that have taken?
This all raises other questions as well, like: Where did Noah stow the tapeworms? With regard to “two by two”, what did he do about animals that can switch gender, or reproduce asexually?
“And big animals need lots of it to survive. It also didn’t help that they stood around screaming for no real reason.”
…and all the dinosaurs apparently possessed the intellect of humans. I mean, cute and goofily anthropomorphic is fine and all, but there comes a point where I grow unsure he’s joking anymore.
Man, God must’ve really wanted to torture the dinosaurs. “Hey, I know — I’ll take them from an environment where they thrive, and ensure that they survive long enough to be taken into an environment that would be totally hostile to them so that they could be tracked down and slaughtered!” What a total dick.
Uh, by the way: Most of the Earth’s oxygen, in the range of about 90%, is generated by phytoplankton, which live in water and would likely have survived a flood.
“Can you wrap up the story, grandpa? I need to get back to my referee job.”
You know, why destroy the human race, anyway? Why didn’t he do the Jesus thing as soon as possible? Why couldn’t Noah’s wife have given birth to Jesus, to die for everyone’s sins and compel them to be good to each other? Just seems stupid to me.
“IT WILL BE BY FIRE! Or… some kind of sea anemone. Or, wait — hair? Clumps of hair? Cotton? I… it’s… sorry, it’s not a very good illustration.”
AND THAT’S NOT ALL… You’ll also receive this three-piece knife set, a $99.00 value, yours absolutely free! Plus, we’ll throw in this carbon knife sharpener, and a pony.
“Bask, lowly human — bask in the brilliant glow of my radiant belly!”
“If you ignore him, you are doome.”
The whole world will see Jesus comin — no, no, too easy.
There are two lessons you must learn from the flood:
#1: God’s a vindictive dickhead. Instead of, say, making a public appearance, or demonstrating himself in any tangible way to get people to believe in him, he plays a game of omnipotent hide ‘n seek, except for with one guy who he tells to do something so baffling to everyone else that they think he’s insane and refuse to take anything else he says to them seriously, and then he (God) wipes them all out. Even though a) there was no Bible then, so they didn’t even have a guess at what they were supposed to do, and b) there was no incentive for them to be good anyway, since they’d still have been punished forever.
See for yourself ———-> Nothing! (I love reading these online, because they’re always formatted vertically, and it pisses all over his layout.)
Holy living ouch — he sent Jesus fully-grown, beard and all? Wow, Mary really is something special, having to squeeze that out. Now I can see why the Catholics adore her so much. That must’ve been about ten times worse than the crucifixion.
Uh. “Obedient” to whom, exactly? I thought God and Jesus were the same person. So Jesus was… obedient to himself? I… I’m genuinely lost, here, folks.
Goddamn, I love the Space Clouds.
“…a few dirty shepherds.” They sang raunchy limericks and liked groping and fondling unwilling women. And one of them appears to be having a really heated discussion with a mule.
“I do not condemn thee, wall! Go, and sin no more. Now, this kneeling whore, over here, on the other hand…”
“His arrival changed the world! People all throughout the Middle East spontaneously shed small potatoes from the palms of their hands!”
Yes, yes, the Jews were evil, we get it.
Yeah, this is what people are pissed off about. This is why non-Christians get pissed off at fundamentalists. It’s all because Jesus said something “horrendous” — that he was the only way into heaven. Certainly, there’s nobody who just plain doesn’t give a shit but doesn’t want to be swept up, dominated and oppressed by all these assholes who think their particular interpretation of the Bible needs to apply to everyone. Why, that’s completely inconceivable!
Santa Jew, here, is really giving me the Hebey-jeebies.
What Jack seems to be forgetting, here, is that these people aren’t evil or sinister or whatever — they were necessary to facilitate the whole “Jesus salvation” thing. I mean, would it still have counted if Jesus grew up and died peacefully of old age?
Wait a minute — what about the dinosaurs? Are we… did we fall into another Tract or something?
The Jews all have Navel-Mouth. I’m really starting to believe it’s a disease common to unbelievers.
What is that in the second panel? A raisin stuck to a small piece of wood with a ball of Velcro? The very front of a zebra, wearing a ushanka, carrying a plank? An elderly man’s pubic region, with a wooden stake stabbed into his lower belly? Oh, I see, it’s a severely mutilated Jesus.
Hey, that angel finally brought him a large enough rock.
It even physically repositions you so you’re facing the other direction! Truly, it is a miracle.
“Thank you, Lord! Now I can measure things with my aura! Aww, hell — it’s metric.”
“Noah’s family were the only ones in the whole world that believed in God. In other words, each and every one of you is the product of some rather severe incest.”
Wait, how did they escape God’s wrath? I thought Jesus wasn’t born until long after Noah and his family had died. Or… did… fuck it, I give up.
Oh, good, the real issue isn’t where the dinosaurs went. So what the fuck’s the big uproar? If it doesn’t really matter, then Christians can actually trust their senses and the observable evidence in the world around them. After all, why does a person need to necessarily believe in the same selectively-literal interpretation of Genesis as religious nuts in order to accept Jesus as their lord and savior? Problem solved, then. Thanks, Jack!
I think I’ve finally figured out what the deal is with all the gigantic potatoes in God’s throne room: All the radiation from his incessant glowing has irradiated them, resulting in mutated overgrowth.
Looks like Jesus’ aura does millimeters, while mortals only get centimeters. Ah, well. Guess that’s why he’s the son of God.
“Will Jesus be your savior? Or will he lurch forward in his seat and pretend to be an airplane? The choice is yours!”
I’m sorry, I… I don’t quite follow.
What the hell was the narrative message of this one supposed to be? He ditched the dinosaurs about halfway through in order to vilify the Jews some more. Then the thing about how “the real issue isn’t where the dinosaurs went” — is he finally giving in to evolutionary theory in the hope of retaining Christians who have been turning to more rational thought, or is he trying to minimize it to put it into a perspective along the lines of “do you really want to care whether evolution is true if your immortal soul is at stake”? Was this his last spectacularly goofy hurrah with regard to attempting to counter evolution, exaggerated to the point of grotesque hilarity as an ironic concession, throwing his hands up in exasperation and turning the dial to full-blast nuttery? Unfortunately, I think he was just trying — and failing, on the whole — to be funny.
Part of me hopes he’ll finally come around to the notion that maybe the Bible didn’t actually mean “dinosaurs and man coexisted”, and that there’s really no conflict between belief in Jesus and an understanding and acceptance of evolutionary theory. Another part of me — the part that really enjoys biting deep and hard into his blackened, festering mind — hopes he just continues to descend along this path into surreal, absurd, nearly complete detachment from any semblance of reality.
I can’t wait to see what the next Tract has in store for us.
Until next time, everyone. Stay tuned.