Chick Dissection | The Trial

A young girl is sued because she witnessed to her young friend. A humorous story that drives home the vital Biblical truth that Jesus is the only way to heaven. A powerful salvation story.

Good morning, the worm, your honor. The Crown will plainly show the prisoner who now stands before you was caught red-handed saying “Jesus”, saying “Jesus” in an almost Lutheran nature. This will not do!

This severely stretches the definition of “humorous”. Unless the humor is ironic, this is about as funny as falling nude down a five-mile-long sheet of sandpaper and landing in a kiddie pool filled with lemon juice and soy sauce, all the while having racist jokes barked at you from some disembodied voice.

This has got to be one of the worst Chick Tracts ever, for reasons which will soon become apparent.

Also: Uh, can you even sue a minor?


“Ooooh, work out room is right over there. Look at that ass. I think I’m gonna like it in here.”

Hey wait — I thought this was a civil suit.

She has a tiny, half-disappearing swing set mounted to the base of her skull.

Nice shirt. Mickey Mouse, meet Icky Mouse.

“Why, that just gives me ape-like, knuckle-dragging arms, drops my coffee cup to the floor, explodes the back of my skull and Dilbert’s-Bosses my hair!”

But wait — there’s more!

Oh, ha-hah! How absolutely droll! ACLQ. Social commentary, meet thy master: Jack T. Chick!

I guess ol’ Jack isn’t aware of the numerous fucking cases where the ACLU has defended religious organizations against oppression and discrimination. Though, I guess some of those include non-fundie religions, so I guess it doesn’t count. Oh, that’s right, I forgot: Defending others’ freedom in the same way equals persecution!

What in shit does the ‘Q’ stand for, anyway? American Civil Liberties Quorum? Quantum? Quota? Quixote? Quail? Quentin? Qualification? Quark? Quartz? Queef? Qatar? Q-Bert?

“Yes… you DO have a case! There’s no such thing as the First Amendment! If there is, the ACLU… or, I’m sorry — Q… has certainly never heard of it. Free speech? Freedom of religion? Preposterous!

Danny DeVito, Attorney at Law.

This is only the second panel — only the second one! — and I’m already feeling my resolve fail.

… Christ on a poodle, what is this shit? “[I]nfamous”? “[M]ajor hate crime”? Since when has anyone, ever, in the history of mankind, considered someone telling someone else, “you know, Jesus is the only way into heaven” a hate crime? And since when would a whole community give a shit about a person telling another person about Jesus? Now, if she was kicking the shit out of the other little girl, saying “you fucking heathen, how dare you not believe in Jesus?” then I could consider it a religiously-motivated hate crime. But… gyah, seriously. Where but within Chick’s ass, my friends? Where but within Chick’s ass?

The African guy on the right seems really startled that the kid in front of him is licking him. Apparently that’s a flavored boubou.

What exactly is speaking in the panel on the right? A plucked but uncooked chicken? An oversized marshmallow? Some kind of large, deformed egg?

“Your hateful words have inflamed the ENTIRE community! We’re all swollen and throbbing!”

Oh, come on. Just… just no.

How come so much of Chick’s point in a lot of these kid-type Tracts relies on the protagonist being a grotesquely adorable little girl completely on her own, and on practically everyone else in the world being completely and irrationally hostile toward her? I mean, sure, these fictional non-Christians Jack fabricated entirely from straw are all really mean, but what about real people, in real life? How does this work of complete fiction apply to reality, considering the behaviors of the people in this Tract are such obviously inaccurate depictions of real people? Is it all supposed to be some kind of metaphor, or…?

Everyone loves to watch the Channel 6 Shrill Harpy News.

You know, I kind of agree with this woman, but I don’t think it’s anything to get so appalled over. This is again the whole “God is a mystery and works in mysterious ways; at the same time I totally understand his will” thing. You can’t have it both ways, people. I mean, it’s not something I’m personally offended by or anything, but I find it entirely logically inconsistent. “I, a mere mortal with a severely limited understanding of my own mental workings, let alone my surroundings, speak with complete clarity for God, a reportedly omniscient, omnipotent being with a boundless mind I could not possibly fathom”.

It’s real easy… want some of my… cookie. What? God wants little girls to share their cookies with bitchy newscasters? Or… I… don’t… what? “I speak for God — please, take my cookie.”

From the looks of her lip and cheeks, I think she’s chewing tobacco. “This is going to be a rough trial, but eh — I can Cope.” (Sorry, sorry, sorry…)

Wait, that’s not Danny DeVito, it’s a morbidly obese, mustachioed, super-Jewified Verne Troyer.

I wonder if “dress for a funeral” was part of the lawyer’s advice.

Brainwashing, pfft. Does Chick really think people act and think like this? And does he even know what brainwashing is? Brainwashing is far more systemic and organized than “hey, did you know that Jesus died for your sins?”

Here’s something funny, by the way. They set this up with “my daughter was BRAINWASHED”, but later… well, you’ll see, I don’t want to give away any spoilers.

*sigh* This is destroying my will to live. I think this Tract may very well be the Anti-Life Equation. Better hope Darkseid never strolls past the fundie group on a college campus, or through the subway transfer at Times Square.

Nobody thinks the Bible is “hate speech”, Jack. It’s stuff like “all fags go to hell” (which, might I note, isn’t in the Bible, and only a few vague implications — none by Jesus — even bear any mention of homosexuality) that people usually take issue with.

Also, nobody gives a shit about the “Jesus is the only way” stuff. Only the most psychotic dickbag religious nuts are going to sue other religious nuts over stuff like “nuh-UH! Jesus isn’t the only way!” Only the most idiotic of lawyers would take the case. And it’s pretty much a guarantee that every judge will throw the case out the second he or she hears about it. So, uh… no.

Behind the lawyer in panel one appears to be the Little Lad Who Loves Berries and Cream. Off to the right is Chewbacca, and over on the far right is Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg.

Father Butch Hardbeef.

I have no idea what the priest is trying to say. I mean, I can vaguely understand the general intention of his words, but it seems like such a non-sequitur that I can’t quite parse its relevant meaning. I’m also not sure why he seems to have two enormous hard-bristled hair brushes on either side of his head.

Usually, Jack’s speech bubbles are all over the place, pointing to locations on the body several parts away from the mouth. But here, this is just getting too close.

You could cook a steak with a clothes iron on that grizzly, horrible face of his. Perhaps someone already has.

Ha-HAH! She sure showed him! Owned, bitches. Owned.

GASP! You mean to say, Jack, that Catholics have a specific, contradictory interpretation of what the Bible really means? SWEET HOT DAMN, I AIN’T NEVER HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE. (Note: I’ll be getting to some of the anti-Catholic Tracts soon, and I have someone lined up to start working on the Alberto comics, which should be coming in the relatively near future.)

Wow, one little girl’s statement about Jesus being the only way to heaven — and apparently she was the first to ever utter it, given this response — “destroys” Islam. …how, again? Do certain Islamic statements about entry to the afterlife “destroy” Christianity? Or…? How does this rock-paper-Koran-Bible-scissors game work, again?

And seriously, “Abdulla Ab-Du-Lah”? Has Chick ever heard an Arabic name outside of a racist joke, South Park, or a child’s board game?

Er, Jews don’t reject Jesus, they just don’t think he was the savior.

By the way: All Muslims look like the guy on the left, and all Jews look like the guy on the right. Always. I mean, I know I shouldn’t really be surprised about racial caricatures in a Chick Tract, but… goddamn.

More like Doctor Greenberg! (Dun-dun-dunnnnnn!) Really, though, why does every “villain” in a Chick Tract have to be a stereotypical Jew caricature?

Right, a theological professor… a fucking professor of theology… is going to advocate removing a passage from the Bible. “Hey, I know! Let’s alter up the fuck out of a bunch of historical documents! I’m going to get my X-Acto knife so I can make a collage out of the Voynich Manuscript! And then I’m going to rearrange the Bible to spell out naughty words! I knew that stupid doctorate would come in handy one day. For a while, I thought this job was going to actually have something to do with education and study of this shit.”

That’s right, Jack — you and your kind are such victims. Society hates you. Everyone wants to build a big brick box and lock you all inside it. We all want to oppress your religious freedoms, and keep you from praying. We’re going to put prayer monitors on your heads that will keep track of your thoughts, and — aw, sweet purple corn-shucking hell, I just realized — you’re getting hard from this, aren’t you, Jack? *shudders*

BIG MEAN MEN BEING ALL INTIMIDATING TO POOR LITTLE GIRL

I kind of want to make an animated gif of a back-and-forth of the change in shape of the lawyer’s marshmallow head between these two panels.

Little girl looks like a blow-up doll for pederasts.

Isn’t the judge one of the Muppets?

Not much else of note in this one.

You know, I don’t see why Jack thinks that people like this are generally viewed favorably by others. People who get this blubbery over something so trivial should be slapped until they achieve a realistic perspective on the significance of events that take place in their lives. And cases like this are always tossed out of court.

“Come to Papa Mushroom!”

There’s no amount of mockery that can do to this guy’s face anything more hilarious than it already does to itself. So I’ll just let it do that.

Yeah. You were going to get ten million dollars. From a little girl.

Okay, so, returning to the earlier “brainwashing” premise: How does this prove the girl wasn’t brainwashed? I don’t quite understand that. “Our case is based on the notion that this girl was brainwashed! In this fabricated universe, people can sue other people for converting their loved ones! The little girl has just demonstrated she’d been converted. Oh fucks, we lost!” Maybe I missed a step or something, but this is completely logically baffling.

How do you know Jesus doesn’t lie? Because he says he doesn’t? I say I don’t lie. Other people can corroborate this. In fact, you can find written documents that validate this.

“And he gave me these great smoked aviator glasses!”

So, uh… how did the thing over on the right… give birth to the thing over on the left? Dad must’ve been something really special to undo the damage from all of Mrs. Creosote’s hideous genes.

The FBI’s Least Wanted List.

Oh, is this a “find the difference” game? Let’s see… they all have facial hair of some sort… they’re all wearing something on their heads… they’re all ghastly-looking cretins… Nope, sorry, I give up.

I’d like to print this one out, all on its own, and paste it up randomly in various places.

So, many years later, as we’re informed in the last panel, they’ve passed into eternity, after which something startling occurs. In other words, they die, pass into eternity, then after that eternity (apparently), they’re taken from their graves and judged by God. Well, shit, that’s not going to be so bad after all. God doesn’t judge us until after an eternity has already passed!

I think it’s even more startling that they were all buried right the fuck next to each other, in the same cemetery, and that they’re all exactly the same age as they were during the civil suit.

Apparently the priest died from a massive goiter that somehow made him retarded.

“Hahaaaa, gotcha!” said God. “Man, you guys guessed so wrong. Well, because you got the wrong answer in my guessing game, you lose and get tortured for the rest of time, which is endless. Y’all just got punk’d.”

So, in some Chick Tracts, people stand immediately before God upon their deaths. In others, like this one, they wait until Judgment Day, and everyone is simultaneously brought before God. In yet others, people are rejected right at the gate, because “God doesn’t allow sin into heaven”. Well, which is it? Make up your mind already.

Okay, so, according to fundie philosophy, God is Jesus, right? There’s no difference. Chick has mentioned before that it was Jesus who created the universe. So, Jesus was the physical manifestation that God had to send to Earth because of Original Sin. Thus, if there was no Original Sin, there would be no need for this physical manifestation. So, then, if Jesus created the universe, then Original Sin was created as a foregone conclusion. And that means that God chooses to punish all humans for eternity for a condition that he set in motion himself, which is all basically his fault.

Attack of the Fifty Foot Angel

All the people are the exact same form, in the exact same position, but different sizes. Oh, and one of them has a skirt.

Wait a minute, God’s not supposed to have a face. What is this shit? I’m disillusioned!

Is… is God Abraham Lincoln? Or maybe… Ulysses S. Grant? John Anderson in one of his bearded Twilight Zone roles?

So… Satan has no followers, then? Because nobody calls the Bible “hate literature”.

Oh, and apparently, anyone with beliefs that differ at all, even in any slight way from fundamentalism worships Satan. Right, makes perfect sense. I’ll be sure to note that one, in pen.

Why is there some kind of living turnip with a face throwing the devil horns in the background? And is… is that Janet Reno?

GYAH! THE EYES! THE EYESSSSSSS!

I think she’s technically legally considered an aircraft, with that bow on her head.

“Hey, everyone, look over there: It’s NOTHING! Do NOTHING!”

I really want to create an alternative “next page” for this one. I dunno, something involving rolling around in shredded carrots and Vaseline while quoting the entire Planet of the Apes. Or pissing as high as you possibly can up a wall, driving a nail into that spot, and hanging a portrait of Rick Moranis from the nail. Or running a stick of butter through a coffee filter, drinking the filtered liquid, then using the stuff still in the filter to write a poem about a fat baby on the side of a horse.


Hurting. So, so much. I think I have to go cry now.

Until next week. Tell your friends.

86 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | The Trial”

  1. Another (possible) first comment! Lameness +5!
    Anyway as I’ve said before, reading a Chick track has the unnerving feeling of watching the Twilight Zone with one major difference: People actually believe the Chick tracts remotely correspond to reality at least.
    I’ll let you read that again.
    ‘People actually BELIEVE the Chick tracts correlate to reality’.
    This one gave me that strange feeling, like a disconnect from reality.
    So, you’re saying that if I nut off at the Bible for condoning/supporting slavery, not a single Fundie or other Christian will spark protests, with a big one-hour special on Fox about the Left’s liberal, anti-Christian leanings?
    I loved the Catholic priest’s comments best, which are ironically to Chick’s:
    Screw you! You don’t believe in ‘my’ version of the Bible STFU and pack your bags, you’re off to an eternity of arbitrary torture!
    Oh, and nice dissection by the way. Still advocating the ‘Ivan the Terrible’ dissection. I mean, a Catholic/Eastern Orthodox conspiracy-secret war. Nice

  2. Regarding the whole, “having your life replayed before you from start to finish,” thing that Jack is so fond of…

    The average lifespan of a human being at the turn of the 20th century was about 44 years. To judge and condemn just a handful of people (say, about ten) would take 440 years, meaning a grand, phenominal total of 13.6 people have successfully entered the afterlife in those 6000 years, with only .22 of them coming in the past century.

    And considering more people are condemned to Hell than Heavan–again, judging by Chick’s claims–then damn, just imagine what Heavan would be like.

    On the bright side, I suppose both the people in Heavan would be very polite, and they’d enjoy some new company. Of course, being Heavan, new company wouldn’t be necessary, as it’d be perfect. The only obvious solution would be to condemn everybody to Hell so as not to have this glitch in the system be detected.

  3. Brilliant dissection, as always. But the tract itself made me feel like I needed to commit suicide to preserve my honor after having read it.

    I think most of the “humor” was supposed to come from those racial stereotype witnesses. HURHUR A JEW WITH A BIG NOSE AND PAIUSES (I’m not sure how to spell that or what the plural is, but those are the curls) THAT LOOK LIKE CENTIPEDES GROWING OUT HIS EARS! AN ARAB NAMED ABDULLAH AB-DU-LA! ANGRY IRISH PRIEST! THE HUMOR NEVER ENDS!

    BUT, OF COURSE, IT’S FUNNY ‘CAUSE IT’S TRUE! ALL THINGS NON-FUNDIE ARE OUT TO GET YOU! PRIESTS, RABBIS, AND IMAMS MAY PRETEND TO DISAGREE, BUT THEY WILL ALL WORK TOGETHER WITH ATHEIST LAWYERS AT THE ACLU TO OPPRESS YOU!

    Because, honestly, other than all that (and, maybe, the “ACLQ” thing), I fail to see where even the craziest and most misguided individual could ever find even a shred of anything vaguely resembling the fecal matter of a facsimilie of humor.

    Well, actually, as with most Chick tracts, there is a lot of humor, but most of it is unintentional. Such as the fact that the children look high.

    WHY DO ALL THE CHILDREN IN CHICK TRACTS LOOK LIKE THEY’RE TWEAKED OUT? Maybe it’s some subtle form of advertising. “Become a fundie, because it will produce the exact same high as crystal meth, only ALL THE TIME!” Chick may be cleverer than we give him credit for.

  4. Another great dissection of a nutty tract.

    Note the stereotypical Jews on panel 6 complete with big hooked noses, goatees etc. Chosen people, eh?

    Also one thing I noticed. all muslims are dressed as shi’ia clergy complete with black turbans, even though shi’ias are only 10% or so of muslim population (you’ll see this clearly in Alberto comic dealing with birth of islam, including calling every islamic cleargyman ayatollah). I guess Chick just took image of Homeini and applied it to all muslims. Go figure.

  5. No, Jack. Folks don’t call the Bible “hate literature”. They call *your* comics and books “hate literature”! Why? Well… I think that question pretty much answers itself :o)

    I don’t dismiss Chick’s tracts so much for their ideas. His beliefs are more or less the standard of American fundamentalism. What DOES make Jack a lightning rod for ridicule and hostility is his utter inability to write a decent story. His senarios are patronizing and absurd, his characters are one-dimensional and his dialogue is corny and melodramatic. And this comic is a prime example.

    By the way, I run a Chick fan group on Facebook. If anyone wants to join, check it out:

    http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2257811964&pwstdfy=de7c38190a81b90bc673c452060ebd9c

  6. This is really one of the crackier ones. Right up there with the abortion one that says that, if you have an abortion and repent after, you will see your baby in heaven. Thus, the only way to prevent your child from being born with the annoying original sin is to have an abortion, thus ensuring they’d get to heaven.

  7. Ewww…on the last panel Li’l Susy takes the typical I’m-saved-and-you’re-not-nah-nah smugness to a whole new, and terrible, level.

  8. Tract so fucking stupid.I’ve always hated this one.WEll Jesus did lie http://www.evilbible.com/Jesus_Lied.htm
    well jabberwock here is something you might want to see http://www.luciferianliberationfront.org/llf2.html
    Some page called luciferian liberation front

    Its all some quasi scientological crap.States god and stan were aliens.

    The only reason I’m showing you this is because it has ANTI-TRACTS.

    Anti-tracts are done similarly to chick tracts excep they show Christian fundamentalists should do BIBLICALLY.That and it is against Christianity using actual biblical beliefs.

    They have one that’s an actual parody http://www.luciferianliberationfront.org/sly.html
    Its called Somebody Loves You?Its a parody of Somebody loves Me http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0006/0006_01.asp
    Eh I just thought you should see this especially that last tract.

  9. This makes no sense whatsoever. The levels of exaggeration and stupidity are just OVER 9,000.

    Good job on the dissection; this piece of shit deserved it. And gives all of us something to laugh about.

  10. And I thought the McDonalds coffee thing was stupid.

    As an added bonus, from the same guy I linked to before, here is a mocking of the fundie comic(?) strip “After Eden”.
    enjoy

  11. So if the little girl is getting sued over saying that there’s only one way into heaven, shouldn’t the Catholic bishop get sued as well?

  12. Actually, the victim complex of most fundies is sort of justified, because they’re not really Christians. I dissected one about that on my own site this morning.

    If anything, it’s a testament to how Chick never goes outside, because to him Jews, Muslims, and Catholics all look the same.

    … those veins in your head will go away if you just think of this as a racist commentary on frivolous lawsuits.

  13. Wait. Didn’t Chick also do a tract called “Love the Jewish People” about how everyone that shuns Jews is destroyed (except America, like when FDR sent a boatload of Jews back to the Third Reich)? And yet Jews are clearly out to destroy humanity.

    You know, did Chick support Hitler? After all, you had to be a Christian to be a Nazi.

  14. This is basically what I heard: “And this is my lawyer, Moishe Abramowitz.” “Thank you. I’d like to call to the stand the Irishman Revd. Mick O’Hallihan, the rabbi Shlomo Bergstein, some camelfucker, and one of those shitbag Jewish acedemia types.”

  15. Speaking of Muppets, Jew Jewberg, Esquire, looks like Dr. Hunnydew or whatever his name was from the back. You know, dude who used to always blow up Beaker.

    I just had a thought. This is rare for me. If there is no difference between God and Jesus, which they tell us is true, and Jews have accepted God… Doesn’t that mean that they’ve accepted Jesus, too?

    Chick really seems to waffle on the Jews a lot. On one hand there’s the tract “Where is Rabbi Waxman?”, and the fact that all his villians look like the Jews in Nazi picture books. On the other hand, he did the tract that was something along the lines of “Love the Jewish People”.

    Dammit, Jack can’t even hate people right.

    Oh, and if anyone’s wondering… Chick thinks the Holocaust was a Catholic conspiracy. Just like everything else. No kidding, there’s a track about it. Called “Holocaust”, if I’m not mistaken.

  16. Am I the only one who loves reading his children comic books simply for the fact that, though he tries for a wide eyed innocent look it always comes out as horribly grotesque parodies of a child? I mean his artwork is terrible but when he draws kids it gets WORSE, but it’s hilarious I wonder if he doesn’t intentionally see how much of a horrible grotesque parody of a human being he can draw.

  17. Correction Walter Lovecraft and Katie:Love the Jews that claim Jesus is the Talmudic Messiah.
    The rest are just child-sacrificing, crop plaguing well poisoning, money-grubbing Satanists.
    The point of the ‘Love the jewish People’ comic is like the rest:Even the ‘Chosen race’ are going on a one way trip to hell if they don’t believe in the J-Man.

  18. Years ago, I described myself as ‘devoutly agnostic’ on the grounds that I was ‘absolutely sure I don’t know’. After all, I’m pretty young (20’s). The maximum human lifespan anyone’s attained so far seems to be about a hundred years older than I am now (and how depressing would it be to get a senior citizen’s discount for half your life?). 26 is pretty small fraction of 120. Human beings half only been around for 2 million years (I’m rounding to the nearest million, because it doesn’t matter.) The planet is 4 billion years old, the universe about 13 billion (or so). And 26 is a ridiculously small fraction of 13 billion.

    I have barely managed to acquire 26 years worth of knowledge and wisdom – I’ve forgotten a lot and there’s much more I never got the hang of (math, for one). If I live to be 120, I’ll probably still feel dumb – and that, on the whole and after watching 1.2 centuries of fads and newsworthy mistakes, people are amazingly stupid. An individual, even one who lives as long as possible (even as long as Methusela!) is never going to be able to learn all there is to know about everything – heck, evenstuff that we can observe is still at some level myterious.

    So the idea that any human of any age could state with utter certaintly, “Here is the truth about the universe,” is, and should always be, totally laughable (totally!)

    I still think that’s true. Also, I guess I’d describe myself as agnostic toward there being ‘something’ that created the universe, or even gave humans that extra nudge toward sentience. The only thing I can aver is that: whatever the answer is, the answer is NOT the Christian god. As Richard Feynman said, “The stage is too big for the drama.” (or words to that effect.) If the bible were true, it’d either be a lot thicker (here’s all the physics and chemistry and everything else that went into creation!) or a lot smaller (be nice, okay?). But I will never buy that the point of existence is what happened amongst a bunch of goat herders in a small corner of an insignificant (to all except us) planet 2000 years ago.

    If the people whose intelligence I admire and whose integrity I respect cannot say, “Here’s the truth, guys.” then why would I take the words of Jack Chick and his ilk?

    Also, have you noticed his reporters are always really bitchy women? I think that may be an insight into Jack Chick’s hidden life of regrets right there.

  19. Linkage: I love that “militant agnostic” I have to remember that one.

    Another great dissection! I always look forward to each one.

    Chick is very disturbing. Jabber makes fun of his tracts so well but it is scary that many subscribe to and believe strongly in this crap. His artwork tells much about him. He obviously thinks all women are bitchy, all Jews are evil and all children are stoned. It scares one to think of what his childhood was like.

  20. I’m only halfway through the comic so far, but I just wanted to say that you win everything ever for mentioning Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg. I’m such a huge fan of his.

  21. Hey, check out this website and click the “This Was Your Life” link at the bottom of the page and you can watch an animated tract. Its funnier than shit.. this fucking guy is everywhere and just a stitch!

  22. Katie: Well, obviously. EVERYTHING is a Catholic conspiracy! Don’t you know that?

    There’s the Holocaust, Islam (which would certainly explain the Crusades), Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Freemasonry.

    Those Catholics and their conspiracies.

    Also, if the demons in Bewitched are to be believed, the Global Catholic Conspiracy is in cahoots with the Global Homosexual Conspiracy, the Global Atheist Conspiracy, the Global Astrology Conspiracy, the Global Anarchist Conspiracy, and the Global Spiritism Conspiracy.

    Thankfully, Jack Chick came along and exposed all these awful groups for what they are. Also, the Pope personally killed JFK. And Tupac is alive and being held hostage by the homosexuals from the ACLQ. The more you know.

  23. Maybe the Q in that ACLQ stands for that guy in Star Trek: Q. The one that was always hassling Picard (actually, that would be ten times more plausable than this tract).

  24. What of the Global Canadian Conspiracy? They haven’t found that one out yet, have they?

    Also, if this tract was written in the last 6 years, I’d be willing to bet thwe “Q” stands for “Qaida”.

  25. Oh, I’m reasonably certain that the “Q” stands for “Queer” or “Queers.” Chick often devolves into frothing gay hate in his tracts, even when it’s unrelated to the subject at hand. Also, there’s the fact that he doesn’t so much write new tracts any more as he revamps old ones to include new themes; this really becomes apparent when you see someone in a Chick tract dressed like a 50’s hausfrau and decrying hip hop music.

  26. Wait, is ‘militant agnostic’ like ‘militant atheist’, i.e. a person that isn’t afraid, when confronted with blatant attempts at conversion, to turn around and say ‘Shut the fuck up. You have no clear proof of your God/s supposed existance, so don’t bitch about my belief, or lack of, in the aforementioned God/s’, and supposed to be in some way responsible for ‘claimed’ atheists like Stalin and Mao’s crimes?
    Also you guys forgot about the whole ‘Communism was a Catholic conspiracy against the Eastern Orthodox Church!’. Maybe I should sell that idea to Dan Brown. I mean, the novels are crap but…

  27. I like the idea of militant agnosticism, but only in the face of militant theism. My building maintenance guy thinks that 9/11 and Katrina really were caused by gays and the ACLU corrupting America and breaking its covenant with God. He says, “See, what does it say on our money? We have a covenant!” I wanted to say, “But, your god is a total jerk if he’d kill thousands of innocent people for the offenses of others. Also, what did the Sumatrans do to deserve the tsunami a couple years back? Is every natural disaster and act of assholery a result of humans pissing off god? Wow, god sucks.”

    But then it occurred to me that my maintenance guy is a simple, well-meaning and under-educated man and that getting in his face about his beliefs would be mean-spirited in a way his remarks were not. Also, he’s responsible for making sure that gas leaks don’t blow up my building and his god is a vengeful god.

  28. I can’t believe that no one noticed Janet Reno in the far left in the second to the last panel! I always wondered whatever happened to her.

  29. Loved Kate’s comment. You must always remember “God works in mysterious ways” even through vengeful maintenance men who know how to handle a wrench in the name of the Lord. Smart thinking there, girl!

  30. I couldn’t understand some parts of this article , but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

  31. For the record, I like Dan Brown’s first three novels. Digital Fortress and Deception Point are great. Angels & Demons is my favorite with good action, interesting story (for some reason, I’m fascinated with the four elements), and a good villain. The Davinci Code was my least favorite, so it’s unfortunate that that is the one that ended up being the most popular.

    Oh, and I did read Digital Fortress first (before all the hoopla), so you can’t say that I “bought into all the hype”.

  32. Ahhhhh. Reading a Chick dissection is like giving my brain a warm bath in a sense of overwhelming superiority. No matter how low I sink in life, I’ll always be better than Chick.

  33. With all the PC and ACLU hoopla these days THE TRIAL isn’t as farfetched as it looks. I remember the fuss in San Francisco over a little girl’s objection to “Under God” in the Pledge of Alligence–turns out it was the girl’s atheist father doing nearly all the objections. Sad, really. With everyone objecting and suing over the least little thing this is less bizzare than it sounds. I’m just surprised that the mom didn’t go on to sue Annie over corrupting her daughter’s morals, or something, but then, Mom’s already in trouble with Faceless God, so maybe it doesn’t matter.
    Quibble: if the mother’s an atheist or the like, what’s she doing with aPriestaRabbiandanIman (must have stopped by the nearest bar to pick them up, what, no talking horse?)
    The one good thing in this mess is, whatever your views on God, the fact that such a frivilous lawsuit got completely deflated–love the look on Mom’s face as she sees her fortune flying out the window! Score one for the small guy.

  34. Actually, when I was in 6th grade I quit saying the Pledge of Allegiance for a few reasons: 1) The phrase ‘under God’ violates my first amendment rights (freedom FROM religion as well as OF); 2) That phrase was not original to the Pledge – it was added during the McCarthy era to weed out communists (apparently, like witches trying to say the Lord’s Prayer, commies’ tongues would stick on ‘under god’)… So why would I want to perpetuate one of the legacies of one of the most shameful periods of American history? and lastly 3) How many times do I gotta pledge my frickin’ allegiance before it’ll take?

    My homeroom teacher sent me to the guidance counselor, who wrote a letter to my parents, who backed me up. The school asked if we could compromise – I’d stand for the pledge, but I didn’t have to say it. Thus ended the political protest, with no courts involved.

    Of course, that was 15 years ago. How things have changed…

  35. Okay, wait, so Communism = godlessness…? Reminds me of that old PA video where they were claiming that porn led to Communism.

    I really gotta suggest doing the tract “Lisa”. It is a whole other kind of sick in just about every way. Basically, a man rapes his very young daughter. And then lets his neighbour do it. And when the kid’s doctor finds out, he doesn’t feel the need to alert the police because since the man is now saved, the doctor is assured he won’t do it again.

    It can be found on this page: http://members.aol.com/monsterwax/Tracts.htm

    As someone who’s been sexually abused as a child by a very Christian man, I died a little inside reading this.

  36. Oh my godlessness, I remember reading that tract and trying very hard to not explode in rage and indignation…. That one was awful. Yeah, please dissect that one and make it REALLY funny to offset the horror of the tract’s actual message.

  37. God, that was kinda horrible to read. It really maks you think, though: amidst all the Batman Action God jokes, all the there’s-Fang-again comments and crappy artwork, it makes you realise that there’s only so far you can push the joke, I guess. Nobody really likes jokes about rape.

    Abdulla Ab-Dul-La . . . haw haw! Fundie humour; you can’t beat it.

  38. Nowadays, it’s s wrong to even say the Pledge, yet at the same time, Bush can flout his fucknut bigotry everywhere he want, giving the country a bad international reputation.

    Go figure.

  39. Kate: I kind of consider myself a Gnostic Agnostic.

    Fifth grade was roughly about the time I stopped saying the Pledge of Allegiance. Or, at least the “God” part. Nobody ever really noticed, so it was never a big deal.

    I did encounter some religious-oriented crap in eighth grade, when I went through my “mystical” phase and had this goofy necklace thing with a, like, twelve-sided star on it that looked more like some prop from Dungeons and Dragons than anything. The principal stopped me in the hallway, said “uh, let me… look at that a second. I’m going to have to see if this is… acceptable.” I said “uh, freedom of religion.” He never bothered me about it again.

    In high school Spanish class, I was drawing random symbols on a piece of paper, some of which slightly resembled pentagrams, but not really. The teacher came up and shouted at me about how she wouldn’t have “Satanic symbols” in her classroom, or something to that effect. We had a brief argument over the definition of “Satanic”.

    I kind of agree with you, re: the “militant agnosticism should only be in response to militant fundamentalism”, but kind of not. I don’t think you should get all in people’s faces about it, but there’s nothing wrong about trying to correct them in a non-aggressive kind of way.

    Katie: The idea behind the “Communist weed-out” was that the USSR was said to have outlawed religious worship, so this was to distinguish us from them. In the hopes that, I don’t know, God would recognize more obviously which nation should get magic powers or something.

    What sucks about this is that the collapse of the USSR — completely unrelated to its “godlessness” — has likely led such religious nationalist psychos to feel vindicated, and helped them to convince other people to follow suit. “We said ‘Under God’ and the Commies didn’t, and look what happened to THEM!”

    Panda Rosa: Well, it’s understandable for someone to sue if they’re being forced to say “Under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance. In that situation, it’s a government entity — a public school — practically demanding religious conformity of its students, and it comes close to encroachment on Constitutional freedoms. Ultimately, it really ought to be taken out, restoring the Pledge to its original state. This is different, because it’s just one individual discussing religion with another individual. Nobody’s saying “whenever you look at me, you have to say ‘Praise Jesus’ or I’ll kick you in the teeth” or anything.

    Tim: Heehee, yes. Good catch! I was hoping someone would get that one.

    Felis: “jokes about rape”?

    Anyone who’s e-mailed me over the last couple weeks and has yet to receive a reply: Sorry, I’ll get back to you soon. I’ve been kind of busy of late with a variety of things.

  40. I’m an apatheist; don’t know, don’t care.

    That “Lisa” tract is hideous. So… everything’s fine now? Magically, that kid will never, ever have any issues about being abused by both her father and a near-stranger as her father stood by? She’s never going to wonder why her mother didn’t love her enough to get her out of there?

    Still, I am bemused by Mr Chick apparently having a sense of humour. Seriously, O’Tool? That has to be deliberate, right?

  41. Of course Jabberwocky:The Anti-Christian Conspiracy is so large that Christians are going to have to out-persecute the ‘Anti-Christians’ (by which I mean all other poly- and monotheistic faiths, non-Jesus-loving-Jews and other sects that ‘disagree’ with their ‘God-given message’).
    It’s like the Fundie nut who, despite believing that Harry Potter was a ‘religious text’, and so should be banned from schools for ‘religious freedom reasons’, wanted ‘God back in the classrooms’ (her own words…).
    It’s a strange world we live in. Very strange.

  42. Anyone who thinks of religious freedoms should have grown up as a Jehovah’s Witness. It is a cult with no real coolness about it at all. You go through all of the controversy without any symbolism. I mean think of it, so called Christianity has it’s Christmas tree, cross, etc. Jews have the menorah and JW’s had pretty much nothing…no symbols, no coolness. When I belonged to this cult before I realized that I was able to have choices, I didn’t say the pledge. I stood next to my desk and didn’t say or do anything…no hand on the heart, no words spoken. That was my religious freedom. Now I have true religious freedom…I am free of all religion and have never been happier. I’m going to be in trouble if there is a law against not giving a shit.

  43. Jabberwock: some of the jokes in the Guilty? dissection, for example. Yes, I found them funny, and still do, but after reading that Tract, it makes you think, if you follow.

    So, anyway, what Tract were you thinking of doing next?

    Speaking of the Pledge, particularly to Panda as well, have any of you ever read Mind Siege? It starts with a story about this Christian man who lives in the dark, technologically advanced future of 2010, in an America in which doesn’t allow the Pledge, because it contains the line ‘under God’.

    The book’s about how those evil secular UN bastards are trying to take over America and undermine it’s Christian roots! They want to teach our kids that the Founding Fathers were agnostics, deists, or – gasp – atheists!
    They were Christians, really! Yeah, I know a couple of them owned slaves, but they were Christians! Really!

    So are all the great scientists, like Einstein, or Hawking, or Dawkins! Really

  44. Hrmm. Well, with regard to “stretching the joke”, while the arguments may all generally be the same, since Chick sticks generally to the same themes (e.g. how the fuck many Halloween Tracts are there? Seriously, come on.), each one is artistically horrible in its own individual way, with its own unique superficial elements to mock with a different set of jokes each time. Like, with MST3K, there are many films with the same plot lines (look at the Gamera movies, or, hell, Prince of Space and Invasion of the Neptune Men are almost identical films), but different sets of jokes can be derived from each.

    I understand your complaint about jokes involving rape. But there’s a difference between a sincere joke that puts rape in a positive or “har har, it’s not so bad” kind of light, and one that simply points out that a man diving full force at a child’s backside looks exactly like… well, what it looks like. There was nothing about the joke that minimized rape, or placed rape into a “hey, ha ha, look, it’s okay” context. In fact, the guest dissector points out that if it IS what it looks like, the judge is the villain, and I feel the implications of my own comments were clear on the negative connotations of the act. Just because there’s humor involved, that doesn’t mean one is necessarily being flippant or dismissive about a subject. Having a misogynist, racist, foul-mouthed grandfather, I’ve heard plenty of jokes about rape that minimize and dismiss it as either a “boys will be boys” kind of thing, or a “haha, rape is okay!” kind of thing, or “haha, violating a woman is fine under certain hilarious conditions” kind of thing.

    I mean, I agree, jokes that minimize or dismiss rape aren’t funny, and only serve to further hurt and embarrass rape victims. But getting offended by everything that even mentions it is kind of arbitrarily all-encompassing-regardless-of-context, mostly just for the sake of being all-encompassing.

  45. That’s exactly right, Jabberwock. My reasons for saying what I did are, though, that people might take it the wrong way (still, that’s entirely up to them, of course).

  46. Wow. I was aware of Chick’s doing weird things like writing “God (Jesus)” but his Faceless God proclaiming he’s Jesus still makes me laugh. Look! It’s God-Jesus!

  47. Hehehe “That statement DESTROYS our religeon!”

    I didn’t know religeons came with a built in Kill-Switch.

  48. RE: Pledge of Allegiance

    In my high school, or at least in my homeroom with the Teacher of the Year Physics teacher, it doesn’t matter. Most of my friends stand, a couple salute, but no one really says anything. I don’t even stand straight, if I stand at all (sometimes I’m too busy typing something on my laptop to be bothered). There is one kid, though, that really gets into it. Stands so straight his gut pushes forward, puffs up his chest like a large bird, recites the hallowed words with real reverence. That’s always a good way to wake me up, give me something to laugh quietly at.

  49. I am a Catholic and I am outraged. First of, the fact that the Priest’s name is O’Tool is stereotyping Irish, which I am also. Also, why is he wearing a yamaukah?

    I don’t understand why fundies hate the Roman Catholic Church? We believe that Jesus died for our sins and is the son of god. We accept him through prayer and through communion, as eating bread (we don’t use the “Death Cookies” Chick stereotypes) and drinking wine as a metaphor for his body and blood. Why in the fuck would the Vatican be a house of demons and the Pope a servant of the devil? The pope is a righteous man who helps sick and poor people. Look at John Paul the Second. he did so many great things. He even got Fidel Castro to wear a suit when he visited Cuba?

    Get a life Chick, and learn to research what happens in life.

  50. Just looking at the right side of panel 18 gives me vertigo. Is God a cardboard cut-out that’s falling over backwards or something?

    PERSPECTIVE JACK

  51. So Debbie doesn’t care about her mom going to hell? I mean, look at the way she’s grinning like an idiot at the very end. And why is the lawyer lumped in with everyone else, despite not being amongst the five judged by God? He was just doing his job. I suspect the only reason the judge wasn’t sent to hell was because he threw the case out….

  52. -Er, Jews don’t reject Jesus, they just don’t think he was the savior

    or more appropiately, they actually reject the belief that he was messiah, since according to the torah, there are various requirements for someone to actually become the messiah: (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jewish_Messiah#Talmud)
    The Sanhedrin will be re-established (Isaiah 1:26)
    Once he is King, leaders of other nations will look to him for guidance. (Isaiah 2:4)
    The whole world will worship the One God of Israel (Isaiah 2:17)
    He will be descended from King David (Isaiah 11:1) via Solomon (1 Chron. 22:8-10)
    The Moshiach will be a man of this world, an observant Jew with “fear of God” (Isaiah 11:2)
    Evil and tyranny will not be able to stand before his leadership (Isaiah 11:4)
    Knowledge of God will fill the world (Isaiah 11:9)
    He will include and attract people from all cultures and nations (Isaiah 11:10)
    All Israelites will be returned to their homeland (Isaiah 11:12)
    Death will be swallowed up forever (Isaiah 25:8)
    There will be no more hunger or illness, and death will cease (Isaiah 25:8)
    All of the dead will rise again (Isaiah 26:19)
    The Jewish people will experience eternal joy and gladness (Isaiah 51:11)
    He will be a messenger of peace (Isaiah 52:7)
    Nations will end up recognizing the wrongs they did to Israel (Isaiah 52:13-53:5)
    The peoples of the world will turn to the Jews for spiritual guidance (Zechariah 8:23)
    The ruined cities of Israel will be restored (Ezekiel 16:55)
    Weapons of war will be destroyed (Ezekiel 39:9)
    The Temple will be rebuilt (Ezekiel 40) resuming many of the suspended mitzvot
    He will then perfect the entire world to serve God together (Zephaniah 3:9)
    Jews will know the Torah without study (Jeremiah 31:33)
    He will give you all the worthy desires of your heart (Psalms 37:4)
    He will take the barren land and make it abundant and fruitful (Isaiah 51:3, Amos 9:13-15, Ezekiel 36:29-30, Isaiah 11:6-9)

  53. Wow. Last panel. That little girl really doesn’t give a crap about her mother burning in Hell for all of time. In fact, in all these tracts the main characters only ever seem concerned about their own asses. Apparently no one in Heaven could possibly care less about all the folks writhing in unspeakable agony forever. Must be a nice place, what with all the selfish assholes hanging not playing roleplaying games or reading fantasy novels or listening to rock and roll. I’ll bet it’s the comfortable beds in those mansions.

  54. “want some of my cookie”- i dont know why, but it sounds as though the little girl is propositioning the newscaster to give her oral sex “want some of my cookie? yes lick my cookie! now finger me bitch!!!”

  55. And is… is that Janet Reno?

    I said almost the EXACT SAME thin before reading this line! i am loving these dissections.

  56. I just thought I would jump in and defend Islam and Judaism here. Muslims accept Jesus as the Messiah and as a Prophet of God. Where they quibble with Christians is over Christ’s nature. Islam teaches that he was a normal human being who performed miracles through God’s will and find the Christian belief in the trinity as very strange. Christians claim to be monotheists but the trinity implies that God has some sort of personality disorder. A Muslim would never end his testimony with Blessed Be…That’s a Neopagan practice. Muslims usually end by saying As-Salamu Alaykum.

    A Jewish scholar would point out that Judaism “rejects” Jesus because he didn’t fit any of the prophecies Judaism accepts as pertaining to the Messiah. Jesus, they point out, was just one of many religious teachers and miracle workers wandering around 1st century Palestine.

  57. Awsome opening discription….When I first saw the front of that comic on the original Chick site (which I stumbled upon by accident and stayed out of morbid curiousity), I was actually humming the opening notes to that song.

  58. thank you for that information. That Baby poem i wrote really showed me what i have to do.

    in all seriousness, this may be the saddest of all of these strips.

  59. From a man with a love message who died for an unfair reason, Jack Chick turned Jesus into a self-centered villain that would make Hitler puke.

  60. Throughout this whole trial, I just wanted to jump up, throw out my index finger, and yell “OBJECTION!”, Phoenix Wright style. I re-read this with the Cornered! song from that game running in the background, by the way. Doesn’t work TOO well, but it’s all right.

    I think the “blessed be” confusion comes from a tendency to tack the phrase “blessings and peace be upon him” to any mention of the prophet Muhammed (blessings and peace be upon him). I myself, as a Neo-Pagan/Wiccan, am familiar with Blessed Be’s true origins, though I myself rarely use the phrase. Of course, it might NOT be confusion at all, and more of Jack’s “AL UTHER RELIJUNZ R WICHCRAAFT” bullshit (of course, I have my own dispute with the whole “WICHCRAAFT IZ EVUL” thing, but let’s save that for another time).

    What I want to know is why Jack didn’t call the lawyer Jewy von Jewenstein or something.

  61. It seems that every child Jack draws has these thick, black circles around their eyes that give them a look of constant, horrified shock. Either they saw Lovecraftian horrors beyond human comprehension at some point in their lives, or they’re all the spawn of Fester Addams.

  62. I think the girl offered the reporter the cookie to show us what a sweet, pure, little girl she is and what meanies we are for persecuting her. It’s like if we snatched Tiny Tim’s crutch away from him and laughed as he stumbled onto the pavement.

  63. @Rosa (by the way, your name reminds me of Umineko. Your full name wouldn’t happen to be Rosa Ushiromiya, would it?)

    I smell fundies.

    Also, think about this. What is the chance of a scenario like this EVER happening in real life? Personally, I’d say it’s about the same chance as Mechagodzilla moonwalking on surface of Pluto while golden butterflies mounted by ninja frogs swim in rainbow snowcones while doing the Macarena.

    … Wow. That had to be the best mental image I have come up with so far.

    Anyways, besides the fact that your comment makes me think you’re a fundie, I think that cookie bit was more or less irrelevant to the general basis of the tract. I think Jack added it in so we would feel sorry for the girl.

    OH DAWWWWW, THAT GIRL’S OFFERING THE MEAN OLD LADY A COOKIE. HOW ADORABLE! I THINK I SHOULD START GIVING A SHIT ABOUT HER CASE.

    Please.

    Oh well. Only in the Chickiverse…

  64. *@Rosa (by the way, your name reminds me of Umineko. Your full name wouldn’t happen to be Rosa Ushiromiya, would it?)*

    No it isn’t. And I’m not a Fundie. My comment was meant to poke fun of this tract. Sorry for the confusion.

  65. All 5 rise from their graves… And immediately are beset upon by flying beasts and zombies, who can only be defeated by… KICKING AND PUNCHING! They must fight their way to the end to face a skeleton that shoots lightning bolts from his cloak Who will change into terrifying monsters. To aid them in thier quest they must collect flying balls with red energy orbiting them. These balls will transform their bodies, making them more powerful, untill the 4th one they collect. Where they will transform into a monster with incredible powers.

    Altered Beast in case you didn’t get it.

  66. “All the people are the exact same form, in the exact same position, but different sizes. Oh, and one of them has a skirt.”

    That puzzles me, because in ALL of Jack’s tracts, people are buck-ass naked when they fly away to heaven. Why would one of them be wearing any clothing at all? Is it the mom in a skirt, or the Muslim in a long robe?

    “Attack of the fifty-foot angel” suddenly reminded me of the theme song from “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.” I think that movie was better-written than this tract, though.

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