Chick Dissection | The Devil’s Night

In this children’s book, Li’l Susy tells her friend, Buffy, how Halloween got started, and how everyone must choose between Jesus and Satan.

I think this is really stretching the definition of “book”, here. And seriously, how many fucking Halloween Tracts did Jack make?

Anyway, total lies. To a hilarious extent, but still extremely painful.


Maleficent, The Little Ghost, and Shock. I’m okay with Disney and Squaresoft working together, but once they start collaborating with Jack Chick, they’ve really gone too far.

“I’m scared, mommy! I’ll bet he has a nasty heroin habit and stars in shitty B movies!”

Wait, her name’s Buffy, and she’s afraid of vampires? Come on! She should be jumping around driving stakes into their chests and being all flippant about the situation.

You think that’s scary, kid, you should turn around and get a look at the cardboard cut-out witch gazing lovingly at the tray of severed, large-nippled breasts.

“Tomorrow we’ll go buy you a spooky costume. Your Violet Beuregard outfit is cute and all, but isn’t really going to instill fear in any of your classmates.”

You know, in a reality where the entire world becomes a white, infinite, formless sea, and the back ends of cars randomly disappear, I think some effeminate-looking gothy guy standing around in a grocery store dressed up like a vampire is one of the least scary things one would have to worry about.

I think that kid is one of the lost Chipettes or something.

“Uh, mom… eyes on the… eyes on the road, please. Mom? Please stop looking at me and pay attention to driving. Please? Mom? Aw, the fuck with it, there’s nothing in existence that you could possibly crash into anyway.”

“Grrr! I’ll come as a mincing pederast! Er, I mean… a werewolf.”

Surprise cameo by Phil Collins in an unbecoming mustache.

“I’ve got a stone in my shoe, and her name is Li’l Susy! No, seriously, I got sick of her moral condescension so I used my molecular compression machine to shrink her to a tiny, dense little nugget, then shoved her into my moccasin for safe keeping.”

Wait, that’s her name? “Li’l Susy”? That’s how people seriously refer to her? Not just “Susy”, or “Susan”, but “Li’l Susy”.

“I’ve got a Stone in my shoe, and his name is Keith Richards.”

Apparently grandpa’s Phil Ken Sebben. (“Ha-HAH! Costumes!”) And the teacher is Alan Greenspan in drag.

Aaaaand the whole thing’s already fallen entirely apart three panels in. See, Jack doesn’t want to teach children to question or disobey authority or to think independently, because then they might do the same with, for instance, their parents or religious leaders. So he has to somehow retain the “MUST obey authority” thing while at the same time allowing Susy to somehow weasel around it and be a Good Christian. Now, what if Ms. Henn ordered Susy to dress specifically like a witch? Or what if Ms. Henn decided to teach evolution? Would she still HAVE TO obey authority, or would Grandpa Nick Fury go to school for some hardcore proselytizing? This seems completely inconsistent with other Tracts, where the characters get all uppity and insubordinate so that they can try to convert authority figures or else end up punished and subsequently feeding their martyr complexes/fetishes.

Is that an enormous set of sideways lips on the back of Susy’s head? ‘Cause that really doesn’t look much like hair.

Not a Halloween costume? She’s obviously never seen The Nightmare Before Christmas.

That is clearly the same kid in the first and second panels. Like, every girl we’ve seen so far in this looks nearly exactly the same aside from hair style.

How come the Frankenstein’s Monster kid’s mask is the only thing that gets shading in this entire fucking Tract?

By the way: In real life, teachers get unreasonably and irrationally mad at kids for their personal preferences! And if a child is afraid of something, the teacher will get angry about it!

“They upset me!” Pfft.

Hah, so… “scary” things… all belong to the devil…? You know, when I was a kid, the things I was afraid of included the Knight Rider theme song and a mattress that my parents were storing for a friend leaning up against the wall at the end of the upstairs hall with a big yellow stain on it. I also had nightmares involving soap opera stars annexing our house for snobby parties, and a plaster cast of my dad’s face from when he was a kid. Do all those belong to Satan as well? As soon as anything becomes scary to someone, does Satan suddenly own it, or is there some kind of generally-agreed-upon level of “scary” that an object needs to possess in order to qualify? How many other kids need to find, for instance, rust on cars scary in order for it to belong to Satan?

Or it could just be, as Jack’s children-oriented Tracts tend to ironically throw into sharp relief, that the entire concept is created by humans and driven by human needs — specifically, in this case, the desire to explain all scary things, and have a single attributing source to blame, instead of the origins of “scary things” remaining a mystery, or the result of random influences that are impossible to pin down.

The drug store is sixty doors down from EEEEEVIL.

Good sweet fuck, what’s up with her head? It’s like Tweety Bird in a wig. I think Jack is trying to ramp up the “adorable” (“but I’s is scaweded of aw dah thcawy ghothtth an’ monthtuwth!”), but he instead drives full-force into the grotesque.

“Wait out here a sec, Buffy, I gotta pick up some condoms.”

“My grandpa explained it to me this way! With total bullshit!”

“They believed in something different from us. That makes them evil!”

“Nowadays people do know God and they live in even more fear.”

Funny how they were, uh, “priests of Satan”, considering their beliefs predated Christianity and Judaism. “Hey, guys, I know! Let’s worship SATAN!” “Who’s that?” “Fuck’d if I know!” “Sounds great! Let’s do it!”

Bwahaha, wait, what? What? I… okay, for starters, what the fuck is “Saman”? According to Wikipedia, Saman can refer to either:

* Luminon / Grand Master Saman from the video game Deus Ex: Invisible War
* Saman Khuda who lived in the 8th century and was the ancestor of the Samanid Dynasty,
* Saman, a town in the Chaharmahal and Bakhtiari Province of Iran.
* Saman, a novel by Ayu Utami, 1998
* Saman, a very tall tree

So the Pagans worshiped… I dunno, the two that would make the most sense are the character from the game Deus Ex: Invisible War, released in 2003, and the guy from the eighth century. Wow, how prescient of them.

I think what Jack is trying to say, here, is “Samhain”, but “Samhain” is the Gaelic word for “November”, and refers to the end of harvest celebration. Wait a minute… is Jack Chick getting this from the The Real Ghostbusters cartoon? I mean, the only place I’ve heard of Samhain referring to some kind of personification is Sam Hain, the spirit of Halloween.

“Begone from me, giant, beaked sperms!”

Pfft, WRONG! Wrong, wrong, wrong. Chick’s got to have an anus rivaling Goatse, pulling so much stuff entirely from his ass like this. Hey, Jack: [citation needed]

Where, anywhere other than Jack’s ass, is there any record of Celtics sacrificing children on Samhain? I just… just no. No. One hundred percent bullshit.

“AAAAAAHHHHH I just tried some of my dad’s aftershave AAAAAAHHHHH!”

You know what this is? This is one of those assignments back in grade school English class where you’re given a bunch of objects and told to make up a story about them. Someone told Jack, “Here, here’s a bunch of Halloween icons — make up a story about them,” and this is the result. Jack-o-lanterns as markers of whether a child has been sacrificed by Pagans on Samhain. Goddamn.

“Wait, hold on a second, Susy… my tongue somehow just wiggled up into my sinus cavity.”

How many dogs and cats, how do they know they were from actual Satanic rituals and not just kids or teenagers parodying Satanic rituals, what actually defines a “Satanic ritual”, where do they find these dead animals, how, aaaand how is this important to the story?

Bullshit, by the way, about the missing children. I’m pretty certain this is part of the “Satanic Panic” that took place in the U.S. in the 80s and 90s. (Google for Manhattan Beach McMartin preschool.) Even if it were true that more children were abducted in the days before Halloween, how do you attribute that to “Satanic rituals” and not, say, crazy people who attribute way too much significance to Halloween?

Thanks for the “ICE CREAM” label on the side of the freezer, there, Jack. Otherwise, I’d have no idea that that was, in fact, “ICE CREAM” that she was serving her in the cone from inside the freezer.

You mean, just as bad as the fictional Satanic-Pagans grandpa Snake Plisskin made up?

Yeah, no worries about pederasts or ransom-motivated kidnappers or general psychopaths with ill intentions or anything — the biggest danger for children, as far as abductions go, is witches. Right.

Gah, these kids are so spectacularly hideous. Fuckers should be sacrificed just to rid the world of their horrible visages.

I like how this Tract kind of takes as a given that little kids should trust their little kid peers to possess authoritative knowledge on, for instance, contemporary theology, as though all the information that Li’l Susy chokes up out of that grubby little mouth of hers is somehow okay to be unquestioningly trusted. “What’s that? The world is full of witches, and little kids get sacrificed by Satanists on Halloween, and Samhain wasn’t November but the Pagan lord of death, and jack-o’-lanterns were used to mark the houses of Celtics who gave their children up to be sacrificed? Wow, how eye-opening! I believe everything you say! After all, you’re the expert!”

Even beyond the “little kid” aspect, really: There’s no reason to just automatically assume that Bampy Big Boss‘s accounts are trustworthy, either.

And I’m glad I don’t give a fuck, so that I don’t end up spending an eternity with little shits like YOU.

So the idea is, if witchcraft actually had any kind of tangible effect within reality, if someone used it exclusively for things like curing cancer, ridding the world of AIDS, saving children, doing missionary-style work in third world villages, shit like that… they’d still end up tortured for the rest of time. God only cares, then — and obsessively so — about this one single thought a person could have in their head, regarding whether or not they accept Jesus. Basically, then, what Chick is trying to say, here, is that God is pretty much the last entity we want to use for the arbiter of human morality and our behavior toward each other.

Jack’s really fond of the “cracked egg splat” pattern on girls’ clothing, isn’t he?

So, they’ve gone to the drug store, the ice cream parlor, and the easel-with-blank-canvas-on-it store. Gee, what exotic locale could be next on their thrill ride of an afternoon?

*sigh* Here we go again. It’s time to play… Who’s Jesus!? *theme music* *out trots the smug-assed condescending host* *bring out the spectacularly oblivious contestants*

She doesn’t know who he is, yet she knows enough to capitalize the “H” in “He”.

This is just… this… this just mocks itself, really. I’m sorry. Moving on…

“[V]ery real,” huh? How do you quantize “real”? What system of measurement are you using? Are we talking metric “real” or standard “real”?

Kid, you don’t even have to ask her to go on. There’s no stopping it. Just sit back, buckle up, and brace yourself against the coming onslaught of nuttery.

She knows about God, but somehow not Jesus. Like, you’d think even if she were raised in any other God-oriented religion, just broaching the concept of Jesus, whether they believed in him or not, would’ve been an integral part of the lesson plan, especially if, for instance, you wanted your child to know why you didn’t believe in him, in case the subject came up elsewhere.

“Here’s where the old devil comes in.” “God made the devil, too, right?” “Yeah. Anyway, the–” “Well, then, why doesn’t he just stop him?” “What’s that?” “I mean, can God — a truly omnipotent being — make something more powerful than he himself is? If not, why doesn’t he have dominion over it? If so, then shouldn’t the thing he creates be considered the new God?” “I… I don’t… uh… I… I… um. Uh. GRANDPA SAITO!”

Looks like… a bunch of birds and men and bird-men caught in an inverted tornado?

Why “old devil”? What’s with the “old”? Hell, why not “ol'”? We’d have Li’l Susy versus the Ol’ Devil.

“Perfect” in that they were complete morons who needed to eat a magic apple just to know what their own bodies were, sure. Or, “perfect” in that they were tricked by a talking snake. I mean, if they were “perfect” then they’d be incapable of fucking things up like that, right? Better yet, if they were “perfect”, then how could the apple have possibly improved their knowledge and understanding of the world?

“The devil moved in and took over.” Er, so the devil is the one who casts judgment on humans, then, and sends them to hell? So basically, Jack’s Faceless God is really Satan, then. I… guess. Or Satan is more powerful than God, and forces God to send us to hell, because God can’t just do otherwise. Or. I don’t know, trying to make sense out of this or force it all into coherency is making my head hurt.

Are people just stopped at the gate like this? I mean, a lot of Chick’s other Tracts have people actually going into heaven and standing before God and then getting tossed down into Hell. Which, well, I guess God actually does allow sin into heaven, but only long enough for people to get damned and tossed over the side. Of course, you have to stay on the runners, or you’ll get sin all over the carpet.

“There was nothing we could do to get rid of our sins. I mean, God could’ve just snapped his fingers or something and it’d have been solved. But we couldn’t, and God didn’t. I guess he just likes to torture people.”

Hey, how come we can see that girl’s chipmunky little nose from way back here nearly behind her head?

No, he was arrested, beaten, and nailed to a cross because Romans were simple-minded fucktards. All the attached symbolism is entirely arbitrary.

Man, Satan’s really rocking out, here. I’m picturing him following Jesus all the way up the hill, jamming away on his air guitar… “Hey, Christ, what’s this one? Name this one, okay? Okay… dunnuh-nunnuh-dunnuh-nunnuh dunnuh-nunnuh-dunnuh-nunnuh tootly-tootly tootly-tootly tootly-tootly nyow-nyow-nyowwwww… You got it? Can you guess it? Haha, jackass! It was Thunderhorse. All right, try this one….”

Little kids proselytizing to each other. Wonderful.

I don’t get it, is it really foggy out? Are they taking a steam bath? Are they flying? Are they dead? (Please say dead, please say dead…)

The evolution of witches.

Oh, come ON. Fuck you, Jack, you self-aggrandizing, self-important tit.

Mmmm, kids really go for the generic taste of CANDY candy.

So how, exactly, does Halloween pull kids into witchcraft? I guess probably in much the same way as rock music, Harry Potter, houseplants, Dungeons and Dragons, Bewitched, baked beans, and the sun.

Brainwash ‘em before they can really think for themselves, bribing them with candy. It’s the Christian way!

Uh, isn’t the devil already in hell?

Be an uptight fuckwad! Never have any fun! It’s the only way into heaven.


Gyah, was this one ever painful, somehow even more so than usual. What a bunch of awful shit.

Until next time…

91 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | The Devil’s Night

  1. 1. How come Jack doesn’t know that pumpkins were unknown in “old England”? Pumpkins are a New World squash unknown in Europe until the time of Columbus — more than a thousand years after Jack’s “evil pagan priests”.

    2. What we know about the druids (the Celtic priestly class) is conjecture derived from information that comes almost entirely from Roman propaganda such as the works of Julius Caesar. While there is some evidence for human sacrifice among the Celts, it was largely rare, and largely during stressful times such as famine. In the systems of belief that include human sacrifice, the sacrificial victim is a willing participant otherwise the sacrifice is pointless. There are few cultures in the world where some form of human sacrifice was not practiced.

    2a. To fundie Christians, salvation comes through the belief that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, overcame death, was resurrected, and finally ascended into heaven — ummm how is that not a human sacrifice?

    3. The number of deaths attributed to Satanic ritual murder by these fundies is enough to populate a large city. How is that possible?

    4. I love the way fundies tie any religion that is not exactly their own brand of Christianity to Satanism. Even if the “pagans” didn’t know they were worshiping Satan they were cause somehow Satan was tricking them. What complete arrogance — as if God can’t somehow manifest himself to other people in some other way than that mentioned in the Bible.

  2. In pannel 7 “They didn’t know God. And the people lived in fear
    And what again is the driving force of fundamentalism? Susy has the answer: “And when they die, they will all end up in hell!”

    Where, anywhere other than Jack’s ass, is there any record of Celtics sacrificing children on Samhain? I just… just no. No. One hundred percent bullshit.

    I think there is something in the bible somewhere (old testament) about Pagans sacrificing children. But where does he get all this other shit? Paganism is a very diverse belief set, encompassing many religions. There was probably some sect(s) which sacrificed children, but I don’t think it was widespread. I would like to know where Chick even got this idea in the first place.
    An interesting note is that one of the most deadly religions is Christianity, who went crazy through fear of the “pagans” and burned thousands of women in the witch-burnings. Among those who burned were the Puritans and the Quakers I believe.

  3. With the ‘Satanic sacrifices at Halloween’ thing I assume Jack still believes that the full moon causes an increase in crime, and that non-Jesus-believing Jews still poison wells. As I like to say:God is an egotistical jerk, and we’re all sycophants.
    Also, the good Christian dressing up in a Santa costume kinda contradicts the ‘Fairytales r EEVVVILLL!!!1!11′ message in the other Tract. Isn’t Santa just another tool of the Debbil to make us forget the real meaning of Christmas blah-blah-blah.
    Wait, if Halloween leads to Witchcraft, does Christmas lead to people turning into elves?
    Why do I end up more, rather than less, confused after reading a Chick tract?
    Ah well. Must be me.

  4. Obscuratus: Hah, shit, that’s right, I wanted to mention that, about the Fairy Tales Tract, but forgot. Like, suddenly Santa is totally okay, and somehow represents Christianity, or something. (Or, rather, the reverse, since this one was published, like, a decade or two ago.)

    Cacaoatl: You’re right, regarding the pumpkins. I didn’t even think of that, but that’s totally right. It’s like when medieval movies show people eating potatoes. And re: the Satanic ritual murder, it’s the Satanic Panic.

    Garrett: Yeah, which “Pagan” is he talking about, anyway? The term was used to refer to a variety of non-Christian or pantheistic belief systems. Though, given the mention of Samhain, he’s probably talking about Celtics, and there’s no information I’ve found indicating they sacrificed children. In fact, the fall harvest celebration seemed pretty friendly toward children.

  5. Notice something funny in crucifiction panels? There are two that explain how Jesus was beaten, killed and Devil loved it and then in next one girls says “that’s beautiful”.

  6. Chick’s teacher character is exactly the reason fundies send their kids to private school. Because they THINK (maybe they’ve been reading too much Chick) that public school teachers are all evil witches who won’t respect their child’s freedom of religion.

    As a kid, I didn’t do Halloween either, a la Susy. But my teacher said that was ok and gave me candy anyway.

  7. Speaking as one of Gaelic descent… stupid cracker. The more I think about it, the more I think Chick is the greatest prankster the modern world has seen. I believe Jabberwock joked about it in some tract, but I can’t remember which and don’t want to look it up. I can totally see him laughing himself to sleep every night knowing that millions believe he’s being serious. I hope so, anyway…

  8. Is there anything that Jack thinks doesn’t causes Satanism? One tract that I’d like to see you do is “The Letter” where he writes a peom by a women in hell because her christian friend never made her read chick tracts. It’s the most arrogate thing I have ever read.

  9. You made me laugh once again. When you made the joke about “Who’s Jesus?” all I could think of was the old Twilight Zone episodes and Rod Sterling coming into the camera in a foggy haze with the cigarette in hand announcing the episode. You’d
    have to be in the Twilight Zone not to have heard of Jesus. Who does Jack think his audience is for these tracts?

  10. To Joe:

    Milred in “The Letter” shouldn’t be in hell because she wasn’t told about Christ. So how could she accept Him if she didn’t know he exists?

    Which is of course just another version of “Who is Jesus?” Chick loves to throw around.

    but I’ll wait for dissection of that tract. It’s bound to come sooner or later.

  11. Wait….Saman is Satan now?

    Saman is my nickname for my friend, named Samantha. Better tell her she’s the Devil now.

    And, I’m sorry, but no child on the face of the planet would react well to getting an effing Chick tract trick-or-treating. That girl would get her house egged and TP’d in no time, even if there was candy in that bag.

  12. I really should read these dissections at work; I almost lost it when I got the I bit about the air guitar.

    Chick needs to buy himself a clue. The Irish tradition that the bulk of Halloween is derived from involves the return of both both good and bad spirits to the land of the living. People would dress up as spirits to avoid the attention of the bad spirits and/or to get free food from people by pretending to be spirits. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if it turned out Chick was getting his information from Mike Warnke, a so-called Christian expert of Halloween and satanism until he got busted by a Christian magazine for making his facts up. You can read more about it at http://tinyurl.com/ywu3t7 and listen to .mp3s from one of his records at http://tinyurl.com/yuufdd

    Speaking of which, this reminds me of a story I once heard about a panic over devil-worshippers springing up over the discovery of a mound of mutilated animals. As it turns out, the “mound” was merely the result of someone throwing the roadkill they’ve cleaned up into the same spot. A lack of understanding about injuries, decomposition, and blood coagulation often lead to people reporting mutilated bodies and “bloodless” carcasses.

    So if passing out Chick tracts allows one to participate in EEEEEEEEEE-VIL Halloween without being “unholy,” why not apply it to everything else fundies have a problem with. By that logic, gay couples can get married if they toss around tracts at the ceremony…

    Oh, and am I the only one who thinks letting Li’l Susy be the one who hands out Chick tracts is a bad idea? Considering her reaction a cardboard Dracula cut-out, all of those “scary” costumes worn by Trick-or-Treaters will have her quickly ruining the rug with her constant state of pants-pissing fear.

  13. Well, you have to give Chick credit for drawing a Devil we can actually take seriously this time. Although he’s far less scary than pretty much everyone else in this thing.

    I think the final page has been edited slightly. Here’s what really happened:

    “There’s comics in here!”

    “Cool! Thanks!”

    “They’ll tell you how to get to heaven.”

    “Wait, what?”

    “God bless you!”

    “You’re totally getting your house egged.”

  14. How this tract should have gone:

    Lil’ Susy: “Here’s a comic that will help you get into heaven!” -plop plop-
    Witch: “Uh, okay. Hey guys, what’s a ‘heaven?'”
    Puppyeater: “Who’s Jesus?”
    AnotherDemonizedPerson: “I wanted candy!”
    VillifiedJew: “SHUT UP JESUS!”

    I live in Texas. But nationwide, with immigration and all, wouldn’t these kids know at least one Jesus (hay-soos)?

    “Hey, how is Jesus Gomez down the street going to help us?”

  15. man, Chick is full of shit.His ghost-artist Fred Carter made the world dull and his bug-eyed monster children are even more monstrous when ther is no scenery to look at.
    I should have done this at Dark Dungeons-but here’s something that destroys all the shit about Dungeons and Dragons.

  16. Guess what: there is a website… http://www.conservapedia.com … and it is hilarious

    check this out: http://www.conservapedia.com/Jack_Chick

    “Jews, Muslims, Roman Catholics, Freemason, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, Buddhists, Hindus, Wiccans, homosexuals, scientists, Dungeons and Dragons players, and Rock n’ Roll fans have all been negatively portrayed in Chick’s tracts, often being presented as subjects or tools of Satan. Chick has responded that he does not hate these individuals, but hates the system they belong to that is feverishly working to win millions of souls for Satan.”

    And chick has this interesting article:
    http://www.chick.com/bc/1999/hate.asp

    “When someone stands up and says, “That’s wrong!” the modern response is: “Sez you! It’s right for me. So don’t preach to me!””

  17. HEY KIDS!

    Just twenty-five dollars will buy you a whole big stack of comic books just like this one! Get your parents to make the cheque out to Chick Publishing. If you don’t the Ol’ DEVIL will get you and all your little friends! Oogaboogabooga Booo!

  18. My first complaint is, since ~when~ is Halloween a friggin’ ~mandatory~ celebration in public schools? Since when are kids ~ordered~ to wear costumes and participate in Halloween parties and such at ~school~???? Does Jack Chick actually think that if kids were to say “Aw gee, teacher, we don’t want to dress up or have a party, we’d rather study math and spelling that day” that the teacher would say “NO! You are GOING to dress up in a costume, you are GOING to have a party, and you are DAM WELL GOING TO ENJOY IT!”???? (Well, probably, if your teacher was Ms. Henn and looked like a Wicked Witch of the West in civvies….)

    Gah, and bleahh.

  19. re: Panel 6

    …well, she is a cunt-head.

    Also, I like the phrasing “Jesus, Buffy.” As in “Jesus, Buffy, are you that dense?”

    Also also — “Tell me more, Suzy?” is severely mispunctuated. And bolded. And… everything.

  20. About eight years ago I was practicing Paganism (I’m atheist now) and I was in an art class. One of the women in the class was a Christian and she saw something I’d written down that was pro-pagan. She tried to proselytize Christianity onto me and I remember one of the things she said was that pagans worshipped Samhain–she pronounced it as spelled, even though it’s really pronounced something like “sow-win.” So apparently I worshipped a month…

    I still know enough about paganism to know that everything in that tract is, indeed, complete bullshit.

  21. Soooo…how many Halloween tracts has this guy done? You would think he would run out of ways to say “Halloween is evil” (which it is not).

  22. So how, exactly, does Halloween pull kids into witchcraft? I guess probably in much the same way as rock music, Harry Potter, houseplants, Dungeons and Dragons, Bewitched, baked beans, and the sun.

    . . . now I have The Houseplant Song stuck in my head. “Take two house plants, and put them side by side . . .”

    Y’know, I have a new theory: God got annoyed that the devil always had the best parties, so he created the evangalist to make people think it was a land of neverending torture, so people would want to go to the bland and empty mansions he’d put up in heaven. Those pits of fire? Are really used to toast marshmallows. The occasional scene of torture is just a masochist who’s thrilled to be able to go all out, now that he doesn’t have a material body.

  23. I have to ask why the kid dressed up as Santa when I’m pretty certain Chick’s ranted about Santa as well. Even if he hasn’t, a lot of his type have. The whole red costume and being one letter away from Satan doesn’t make Santa popular, and the fact that, from what I’ve heard, “Saint Nicholas” was a Catholic doesn’t help.

  24. Jack chick said in his explanation of halloween that the people were afraid of the evil spirits and did such rituals to scare them away…how is that bad?

  25. Mom:
    ‘There is a place where few know about Jesus, and a loving God unfairly punishes those ignorant of him, and a few lone true Christians battle against impossible odds to save the flock from the wolves. This place known as the Twilight Zone.

  26. To Rev. Syung Myung Me: I don’t think it was, I’m thinking Susy started to levitate and so the girl couldn’t complete her sentence. I mean we see later on that Susy has the power to fly and in that panel she was oddly enough above the girl by just a few inches, she was probably about to as well in that panel. Later in the panel with the clouds she has actually done it.

  27. Classic. This one was even less accurate than normal. And WTF was it a Santa costume? I was expecting an Angel. ‘Swhat I’d wear if I was a blindly devout Christian with a vendetta against Halloween.

  28. Mau the Katt:

    Probably that happened around the same time schools stopped telling children about Thanksgiving and forbade them from ever mentioning the word?

  29. Everything mocking Chick has been said here, and the only thing I can add is that it’s nice that Big Boss had a family, but I kinda figured that he wouldn’t raise his relatives so damn annoying. Maybe that’s why Ocelot hates Big Boss so much: he was always a condescending religious prick who thought that Russians were all Satanists.

  30. I look forward to your next dissection. You’re really funny and you make great points. You really are very good at these.

  31. Being berated for wearing a Santa costume for Halloween. Only in Chick-land.

    So if Li’l Susy is wearing a Santa suit, isn’t she cross-dressing? Uh-oh, someone hand her Wounded Children, stat!

  32. spiders belong to the devil? what if i’m not scared of them? does that mean that the spiders who have failed to scare me are Holy Spiders, while the other, scary ones, are Evil Spiders? I just don’t get that bit about scary things belonging to the devil. (ok, none of it makes sense, but i can’t re-dissect the whole thing)

    oh well. at least the Evil Tempting Snakes have company.

  33. Re: The Only Hope

    I note that the random question guy seems to be John Cleese in one panel, and John Waters in the other two.

    I dunno about you guys, but I love drugs. Do you?

  34. seeing jesus christ all bloody and stuff is something beautiful. so is that one chick in hostel 2 hanging naked upside down before she gets slashed and that one other chick tied in a chair with nothin but a bra before she gets decapitated.

  35. This dissection is a classic. Great.
    Oh, and one thing: Leaving marks on a door to let some deranged killers know that the inhabitants are not to be harmed… That wasn’t an element of a PAGAN religion. See Exodus 12:7,13 for further reference.

  36. Arrogant bullshit, as usual. Where did his information on Halloween come from, anyway? I have never done anything remotely like interested research on the topic, and I still know better than this guy.

    BTW, Angeltornado is the same image repeated over and over. Very artistic, Chick/Chick Proxy Artist.

  37. Beauregard, eh?

    “Dear friends, we surely all agree
    There is nothing worse to see
    Than some young repulsive bum
    Who’s always chewing chewing gum
    (It’s very near as bad as those
    who sit around and pick the nose).”

    And where the hell are the Oompas Jack? Come ON!

  38. Gah, the conservapedia thing makes my head hurt. Also, since Buffy was apparently turned away from her calling as a Slayer at a young age, the world gets destroyed in late 1995 in the Chick-verse. Which, actually, kinda works out, because then the show wouldn’t have gone on to really suck in seasons six and seven.

  39. It is hard to take anything Chick seriously because he get so many basic facts wrong. What things he purports to be facts sound like the ramblings of a crackhead who just did some LSD if you have even the smallest part of real knowledge.

  40. Jr. : I’ve seen the Only Hope site. I’ve only seen the first panel, and I can already tell it’s eminently dissectable.

  41. Garrett: Among those who burned were the Puritans and the Quakers I believe.

    Sorry for the long-overdue reply, but I just felt I should let you know that Quakers were probably not “witch”-burners. The Quaker movement was and is pretty open-minded, they even let *shudder* Native Americans coexist peacefully with them, and they usually respected differences in religions and philosophies.

  42. Didn’t Chick explain elsewhere that spiders and black cats and other Halloweeny critters are God’s creatures as well, despite being scary?

    And a teacher requiring students to dress up as witches and demons? That’s even stupider than the tract about the government forcing schools to bring gay couples into the classroom.

  43. Oh, come ON. Fuck you, Jack, you self-aggrandizing, self-important tit.

    –definately. which is ironic because there is a tract called reverend wonderful {{http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0095/0095_01.asp}} where jack actually condemns this kind of behavior, unless it’s jack chick promoting himself over and over again. speaking of, you should definately dissect this tract along with a new one called “there go to the dinosaurs”, so far one of the most hilarious tracts to date {{http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1038/1038_01.asp?wpc=1038_01.asp&wpp=b}}

  44. First of Chick, Halloween isn’t a night for witches and satanists to live and be free. It is a night where kids where expensive costumes and beg for candy, and teenagers are stupid retards and believe that smashing pumpkins and scaring kids is hilarious. The holiday is jsut for fun. Back then, it was a changing time in the season and believed to be when spirits came out. None did, but it got fun.

  45. Lil’ Susy is making a Gurren Lagann reference when she is telling Buffy that Jesus is real.

    “Jesus is real Buffy, believe in him,who believes in you!”

  46. Jabberwock: “[V]ery real,” huh? How do you quantize “real”? What system of measurement are you using? Are we talking metric “real” or standard “real”?

    Metric, I think. I imagine that the measurement used to measure just how real God is, and one’s faith in God, is “billigrams.”

    (Billigram = Billy Graham, get it?)

  47. Am I the only one who thinks that Ms. Henn (love that name, BTW) looks like she could step straight into a job at Hogwarts?

  48. Technomad, it isn’t just you. Ms. Henn is a really freakish-looking gal. Jack, we get it, feminists are butt-ugly, mannish looking females. You believe that, and I have some choice real estate in Mongolia I’d like to show you.

    When I was a little girl, I loved trick or treating. Now the thing I most enjoy (now that I am a full-fledged adult) is checking out the cool decorations on the houses I pass. Plus I can usually find a scary movie on the tube. I don’t have kids of my own, but I find it rather strange that well-meaning parents let their kids keep the candy they get but they throw away the only healthy thing they get, the apple, because it might have a razor blade. Even though there hasn’t been a single case of that actually happening.

    This is some seriously warped theorizing by Chick on this one. First of all, as this review already pointed out, the Druids (the ancient Celtic priests) were around long before Judeo-Christianity arrived, they didn’t even know Satan existed, much less worshipped him! Many practicing pagans/wiccans today would tell you Satan is a Judeo-Christian invention. As for Chick’s theorizing that the pagans sacrificed children, that sounds disturbingly like the “Satanic panic” that caused many day care workers to fall victim to overzealous attorneys and coerced children saying their day care attendants did awful things to them in the name of Satan.

    Finally, the Halloween custom of the Jack-o-Lantern came about when Christianity became the dominant faith. The legend told of a miserly ne’er do well named Jack. Jack never spent money unless it was necessary. He even denied money to the devil! When Jack died, he found his stinginess would bar Heaven from him, since he denied money to Satan, he wasn’t welcome in Hell either. Satan put a live coal in a turnip (it later was changed into a pumpkin) and gave it to Jack to serve as a lantern as Jack’s spirit searched the world for a place to rest. Jack became known as Jack ‘o the Lantern, or Jack ‘o Lantern.

    That’s all I have to say about this tract.

  49. This guy is so crazy I don’t have words for it.

    As it happens, Halloween was celebrated after the people converted to Christianity anyway, so centuries of good christians have been worshipping the devil. Then again, this comic implies that by celebrating halloween you automatically become evil, so there weren’t actually any good christians.

    On a minor note, the people were called Celts, not celtics.

  50. OMG… Words have escaped me. I feel sorry for the people who buy this sh*t, really.

    Children being sacrificed for Halloween? Only if you’re lucky enough to find Li’l Suzy and her friend Buffy. I will present you one Jack-o-Lantern for this transaction.

    …and speaking of Harry Potter, the teacher totally looks like Snape XD ROFL

  51. Trick/Treating-automatic witchcraft??Guess those years, I missed the invite? When I was 6 or 7, I was one of those kids that got a Chick tract-the one w/2 soldiers, one dies and to Heaven, the other to Hell.

  52. Not as nonsensical as the “Fairy Tales” one (just normal nonsense) but man, are those kids ugly!

    I mean, jeesh! They give the kid from “The Last Generation” a run for his money!

  53. LOL this is yet another tract I found, this time at the Our Father’s Closet thrift shop in Deland . Some biblethumping dope put a small stack of this one (along with ‘Boo!’) on the middle shelf with all the used books. ‘Course, it was around Halloween when I went to that store.

  54. If as a kid I got a Jack Chick tract as a Halloween candy I would probablly be depressed for the horrible content, then I would find it funny and show it to my friends so we can make collective fun of it.

  55. Wait…if there’s an old devil, is there a new/young devil?

    I want to shop Damon Gant’s “Epic Stare of Death” (if you don’t know what it is, go play the first Phoenix Wright game. Yeah, you can check out the stare on YouTube, but the game is just too good to pass up.) onto one of the faceless God pictures someday.

  56. I think Jack means the pagans sacrificed to Samhan, as in Samhan Dobo, the “less-than-ethical” shopkeeper brother of ethical shopkeeper Dendis Dobo, in Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords. It makes way more sense to sacrifice to an unethical shopkeeper, man.

    Also, am I the only one who picked up on the fact that pumpkins are a “new world” fruit, native to the Americas? Jack o’ Lanterns ARE older than American colonies, dating back to the old world, where they were made with large turnips (and those things get pretty big), to SCARE AWAY evil spirits. People believed that All Hallows Day (Nov. 1) was the day that the spirits of the saints would walk the earth, while All Hallows’ Eve (Oct. 31, Halloween) was the day that evil spirits roamed. People would make bonfires and wear masks and stuff to SCARE AWAY evil and keep themselves alive. As for the whole human sacrifice thing, that’s always been kind of a “Satanism” deal, locked into religions that actually do believe that they are worshiping the devil. A lot of extremely ancient pagan faiths did practice human sacrifice, but European pagans tended to sacrifice prisoners and such from other tribes, not from their own, and not those they considered innocent.

    Saman as a deity is Sri Lankan. I really don’t think Irish pagans (the feast of Samhain, which eventually became Halloween, started in Ireland) would be worshiping a Sri Lankan Buddhist deity.

    Samhain (pronounced sah-win) was something of a harvest festival, not a satanic day of sacrifice and death. The jack o’ lantern was an old myth, but was not associated with Halloween until the mid-19th century.

    Jack is full of shit, isn’t he?

  57. Jack is full of shit, yes.

    Samhain is neither pronounced “sam hane” (utterly Anglicized) nor “sah-win” as our dear author hear reports. The “mh” together in Scottish Gaelic is pronounced like the “v” in English. (Betcha didn’t see that one coming!). The vowels also don’t quite sound like anything our English alphabet phonemes can replicate (you’d have to know scientific linquistic notation to communicate the sounds.) Approximate pronunciation is “sah-veen”

    Anytime you see a Scottish Gaelic word (possibly Irish Gaelic also) with a “bh” or “mh”, count on it being pronounced like a “v” in English.

    • The Irish pronunciation (which is the pronunciation used) is pronounced as “v” only following slender vowels (e/é, i/í); but like “w” following broad vowels (a/á, ae, o/ó, u/ú). So, the first part “samh” is “sahw”; the second “a” is a placeholder between the broad “samh” and the slender “in”, so it is indeed sahw-in.

  58. Why would spiders be “of the debble” anyway?

    There’s one good thing about giving away Chick Tracts on Halloween. Now the kids can make their own dissections! :D

    Speaking of which, I love all these dissections. I’ve never laughed so much before. Keep up the good work!

    Just wondering, have you dissected a tract called ‘Lisa’ yet?

  59. I like how deer antler guy and bear head guy are boogying down at the bonfire.

    And the souls entered into animals…WTF? Total, utter, everything fail.

  60. Forget egging. A Tract for Trick Or Treat merits a flaming bag of dog poo.

    I predict Suzy grows up to be a police detective. She’ll be assigned a case to find a missing child on a remote island of pagans. She’ll try to find said missing child and do proselytizing on the side. Then she’ll discover she’s a human sacrifice.

  61. Loved this riff, the one thing I am sad about though…
    A weird statement you didn’t mock.

    6 pages before the end, the blond girl says
    “Tell me MORE, Susy?”
    *caps= unnecessary emphasis
    Complete with a question mark at the end- Which doesn’t mesh at all! It’s like the girl had a stroke mid-conversation and forgot what they were talking aout, or who she is even talking to.

    Then again, surrounded by so much fail, one piece of additional fail is easy to miss.
    Thanks again!

  62. Notice: No Bible verse refrences for the “Angel got kicked out of heaven and became the devil” story. Mainly because the Bible does not have that story. (people try to get it out of Isiah 14 and Ezekiel 28, but actually reading those chapters will show it’s not there either.) I don’t know where that story came from, but it didn’t come from the Bible.

    Mrs. Henn is always a lot of fun. No grade school teacher acts like that.

  63. Why would it be a terrifying night if the spirits of the dead returned to visit their families? The Japanese have a festival called Bon in which the spirits of dead relatives are believed to return. People return to their ancestral homes for this festival and everybody dances around to *welcome* the spirits. Because the Japanese, like most normal people, and unlike the people who live in Jack Chick’s disturbed little head, *like* their families and *miss* their dead grandparents.

  64. “Saturday night at PNC Park it’s Devil’s Night as the Pirates try to to embarass themselves too badly against the Chicago Cubs. The first 10,000 devils in attandance get a free bobblehead (Oh, screw the 10,000…we got tons of these stupid things we can’t give away). And stay around for post-game fireworks.”

  65. I really want to punch Lil’ Suzy in the face. She ticks me off that bad.

    Though I find it funny that her dad is Big Boss.

    @Maoh-sama : *dammitRapaxstopthinkingDisgaea* Y’know, as much as it’ll pain me greatly, Chick should make a tract concerning the Shinto religion. Not sure if it’s a religion still going on today (can’t even fracking remember), but it’d be painfully amusing to see Chick’s insane views on it.

    @Rosa : Better yet, the pages from the tract should be used to light the fire. In my childhood Halloween years, I’ve never gotten a Chick Tract. Then again, Massachusetts is probably the wrong place in the US to look for frequent fundies.

  66. A couple of things:

    1) At least Susy’s not one of those fuckwads who ONLY gives out tracts. However, isn’t putting candy in there a little counterproductive? Aren’t they only ENCOURAGING trick or treating and therefore Satanic behavior?

    2) Halloween originated from All Saint’s Day, Jack. It’s Christian.

    3) Why did Susy dress up as Santa? Doesn’t Santa lead to murder, just like the Easter Bunny and tooth fairy? How dare she? Plus, it was just like she was TRYING to piss off her teacher. She could have been a construction worker, or a police officer (Oops, nevermind, wouldn’t want to mess with gender roles would we now?) Oh, I know! She could get one of those costumes that looks like food! She could be a hotdog! Then she wouldn’t just ACT like a dick, she’d LOOK like one, too!

    4) Buffy? You did not spend nearly enough time criticizing Jack’s choice of names.

    5) Black and white magic? When did race get into this?

    6) I just got an idea for a new hobby. Step One: Find a “witness” Step Two: Figure out what tracts he has Step Three: Print out the matching chick dissections Step Four: Follow this person around. Whenever they hand out a tract or leave one somewhere, leave the matching chick dissection

    That is all. Please do The Tycoon. I’m Taoist and that’s the closest I can find.

  67. So, anything that anyone finds vaguely “scary” automatically belongs to Satan….somehow. Huh. How about that. When I was a kid, I WASN’T afraid of the critters that a lot of other people find scary and repulsive. I never ran from bugs,worms, or spiders the way other girls did–in fact, I was always baffled by their unreasonable fear, given that humans are, like, hundreds of times bigger than a bug or a spider. If I am not scared of things that others consider scary, does that make ME Satanic, too? Trying to figure out how it works….

    Buffy and Suzy are the two ugliest little girls I have ever seen. If anything is going to scare me, it’s them!

    “Happy Halloween! My mom made me put stupid little comics in here that tell you how to get to heaven, instead of awesome candy. Please tell all the kids in the neighborhood so they’ll stop coming to our house and we won’t have to do this again next year.”

  68. Step 1: Take the panel that starts “Who are you talking about, Lil’ Suzy?” (14th page)

    Step 2: Crop off all of Buffy’s speech bubbles.

    Step 3: Laugh until you can’t breath.

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