Chick Dissection | Mad Machine (Guest Dissection by Ascendance)

Financial pressures, world tension, crime… only Jesus can give you peace.

Howdy again, cats and kittens, it’s your pal Ascendance, aka Nephelim.

Nepphie’s got a fun one for you this week, lemme tell ya. Our ol pal Jack put together a real doozy of a Tract for us to work with, holee flying frack!

Jack seems to be taking a big ol’ shot at the idea of therapy with this one, which admittedly is ripe for mockery as an industry, but as ever our good buddy takes us on a trip into the surreal.

J: Well, at least it’s not as batty as Scientology’s approach to psychology. But it’s close… it’s close. (Like always, my (Jabberwock’s) comments will be prefaced with a J:.)

And thus, I give you Mad Machine.


LOOK OUT, Radioactive Man! The goggles do nothing… against uh, is that an electric chair? Is Jack finally coming out against the death penalty? Actually, the idea of Jack coming out makes me think of the more common contemporary meaning of the term, which terrifies me.

J: But doesn’t really surprise, in a “methinks he doth protest too much” kind of way. Regarding the machine itself, judging by the look on the guy’s face, I think it’s a device designed specifically to piss people off. Thus, “The Mad Machine”.

Never before in our modern times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Usually I’m making fun of Jack’s art (I tend to leave the wordy stuff to Jabberwock when we collaborate), but this one’s a gem. Jack’s reclusive nature betrays him here, because his word choice is so awkward and crappy. People just don’t talk like this.

J: Unless they’re on an infomercial. I feel like I’m being sold a pair of Electric Scissors or something. “Never before in our modern times has it been so darnably difficult to cut a coupon out of a newspaper! But now… there’s Electric Scissors!”

Crazy Middle Aged Drug Addict will be played by the decaying corpse of Joan Rivers, whose head is exploding as she speaks (well, bellows).

Seriously, with all the stigma attached to taking medications, who the hell would announce that they’re about to down “another” tranquilizer?

J: I love that she’s apparently taking it with alcohol, too. Basically just announcing “the fuck with doctor’s orders — I’m doubling my dosage and washing it down with a mixed drink!”

J: “ARE YOU KIDDING?” Ah, yes, the resounding message of Christian hope, right here.

Jack, that’s not the spirit of dread and uncertainty that’s spreading, it’s the blinding pain of his bowels backing up after Crazy Wife’s terrible cooking. She obviously has to be a militant feminist and therefore a bad cook, because she has a suit on.

J: Not only that, I’ll bet she’s wearing — *gasp* — pants.

I like to imagine that crazy wife’s suit is alligator skin, and that she’s bleeding to death beneath it.

J: Whatever it’s made of, it’s kinda tacky. The guy’s look of sheer disgust seems to be directed at her fashion sense.

Also, what psychiatrist in the world would tell a patient that they’re seeing another psychiatrist professionally? Wasn’t there a Sopranos (c) episode about that? I think that was one of my favorites.

J: Heaven forbid psychiatrists have problems themselves that they feel a need to talk with another professional about. I dunno, I guess Jack thinks that somehow a degree in psychology makes you a Vulcan or something.

J: “And his shrink is seeing HIS shrink… and his shrink’s shrink’s shrink is seeing HER shrink’s shrink… and HER shrink is seeing…”

J: “Average thinking man”. As opposed to… what, some kind of brain-dead superhuman?

Actually, I find his portrayal of tax cutter here a pretty accurate look at your average Republican. Seriously, they’re hideous looking people, the RNC is like a gathering of Hair Club for Men patients. And of course the liberal tax-raiser is dishevelled and apparently drunk. LIBERALS ARE BAD, KIDS.

J: Yeah, I like that — you’ve got a clean-cut, Poindexterish, drowsy, rational type representing the Republicans, and Boxcar Pete, the drunken, belligerent hobo representing the Democrats. “I ever TELL YA… about the TIME… Ohio Shenanigans Willy and I… performed an APPENDECTOMY… on Red-Gums Martha Higby… with only a TUNA CAN LID… and a SHOELACE?”

J: And holy shits wow yes, Jack, what insight! Could it be that experts are actually other people who have feelings and problems of their own? Wow, man… that’s… that’s deep. I think Jack needs to write a self-help book.

Wow, what a collection of humanity we have here! Hideous! This woman’s nose is longer than a CNN news ticker at the bottom of the screen. I hate those things, smugly conveying “breaking” news that the reporters refuse to talk about but going by too fast for me to get all the info and leaving me wondering “Wait, what’s going on?”

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah. Anyway, dude #2 is some guy who’s strangling a carrot while he peddles some snake oil. This man needs a shave and some serious hair repair.

J: Perhaps the carrot is his problem, and he’s going to demonstrate how to solve it using molasses. You know, I think I’m going to walk around doing this bit on the subway — take a glass of molasses and a carrot, and talk about how the only solution to our problems [shake carrot] is black strap molasses [dunk carrot in glass].

I think the guy in panel 3 is one of the truck drivers from “Guilty!” The world’s angriest truck finally grew tired of his uselessness at harmonica-swallowing and beat him up. The fact that he’s talking about being robbed is merely a coincidence.

J: Looks more like the harmonica exploded through his right cheek, actually.

J: I like how the implication seems to be: Some doctors make mistakes; therefore, all doctors are never to be trusted. It’s sort of like fundamentalists’ arguments against carbon dating — it can sometimes be inaccurate, therefore it is entirely untrustworthy.

J: Is there really only one answer? I mean, lots of people find happiness or solace or comfort in quite a number of different things. What’s wrong with that?

“New” marriage problems? Divorce and common law marriages have been around for centuries, Jack. The rampant divorce rate is cited as one of the reasons that the Roman empire destabilized and fell, FFS.

J: You know, does it really fucking matter, the formalities of it all, as long as people are happy, comfortable, and give a shit about each other? Why is a formal unhealthy relationship preferable to an informal healthy one? And hey, uh, maybe you wouldn’t have so many people rushing into shitty, unfulfilling, ill-suited marriages if you allowed the country to take a more progressive and rational attitude toward sexuality, so that people wouldn’t pull the “save myself for marriage”, Let’s-Make-A-Deal, Mystery-Date, Russian-Roulette bullshit that makes fucking the focal point of relationships.

J: Actually, I just thought of something: I wonder if there are fundamentalists out there who oppose universal healthcare because they feel it’d remove some incentive for people to get married.

I want someone to Photoshop the first image so that the woman’s word bubble is coming from the screaming baby’s mouth. I will not pay you, but I will write you a poem.

Hey, black haired lady? Bruce Campbell wants his CHIN BACK.

J: HAW HAW QUEERS! ‘Cause, see, the problem isn’t so much that her husband doesn’t love her anymore and has found someone else who he feels he can have a closer, stronger, more loving and fulfilling relationship with, it’s that there’s gayness involved.

Here’s a fun exercise, pretend “It” in her statements is “cousin it” from the Addams Family. Because then it makes perfect sense.

J: Or even Stephen King’s killer clown.

Von JEWNAME.

J: Actually, von Koffenheimer is more “ambiguous German” than anything. I’m sure Jack wanted to do something like Peter von Jewjewenjewbergstein, but then he decided to pull back with it so people wouldn’t call him on his “Love the Jews” garbage.

That has to be the fattest evilest Jew Jack has yet put on paper. I think he’s a Germew (another free poem to the first person to peg what that means).

J: I think there comes a point where he exaggerates the stereotypical “Jew” characteristics to such an extent that it’s not even a caricature of a Jew anymore but some other creature entirely. It’s like a race of people from those allergy commercials where people had noses for heads.

J: The economy will be just fine, by the way. As long as we can indefinitely borrow absolutely massive quantities of money from China, that is.

Sanitarium? A rehab facility that doubles as an insanity hospital. Well, anything in the name of efficiency, I guess.

J: Maybe he means it’s just really, really clean.

The kid is rather articulate to be so drunk. I’m having a laugh thinking he got that drunk BETWEEN arriving at the place with dad, and getting to the desk.

J: “Welp, might as well get one last one in before it’s off to the lock-up.”

“The” nine through twelve year olds. I just like how he said that, there’s no reason the phrasing there should be so funny, but I cannot stop snickering.

J: Heh. And “it’s been reported”, huh? Where? “Well, my brother Ralph said that his friend’s cousin’s son has a friend who’s ten years old and an alcoholic!” Surely it’s an epidemic, if it occurs at all, however rarely.

Apparently Jack is presenting an alternative reality sci fi story on this page, wherein Richard Nixon was actually an admiral, hung out with a buncha Saudis, and had horrible horrible body odour. JACK CHICK PRESENTS, BATTLEFIELD EARTH 2, THIS TIME IT’S PERSPIRATIONAL.

J: I like the wording here, too. “MASSIVE ARMS RACE CONTINUES” Not “A” or “THE”. I’m picturing a bunch of huge arms galloping across a field.

It’s the return of Down Syndrome cop from Guilty! Oh the horror, look at how far his condition has progressed in the months since then ;-; And it seems the criminal caught it too. I wonder if it’s Judge Rawlings. That’d be awesome.

J: I’m not sure if the cop is retarded — I think he might actually be dead. He reminds me a little of The Flaming Carrot’s zombie sidekick.

J: From the look of things, the criminal is about 40. I’m pretty sure they’re not going to get much “hard labor” out of him after the first fifteen or twenty years.

J: Usually violent crimes carry a lot hasher and less lenient a punishment than other crimes. I mean, right, this guy’s getting out after six months for a “horrible crime” while there are people in prison for years for dealing small quantities of pot to their friends. The criminal justices system is fucked up, Jack, but not really in the way you probably think.

…uh, have we never heard of the Witness Protection Program? Speaking of which, anytime I think of the WPP, I think of Eraser, and thus I imagine the WPP program has Arnold waiting in the wings to kick villain’s asses.

Don’t judge me!

J:

What’s really funny is, everything in this page makes sense. Science really is optimistic that it will devise at least interim solutions to many worldwide problems in the next few centuries, and despite the fact that there are MANY types of scientists (why would this reporter be talking to an apparent chemist -technician- about -sociological- problems like population booms or physics problems like energy is beyond me), I can see this conversation taking place on some level.

J: *sigh* Not the “scientists think science is God” thing again. Science is a tool for developing a greater understanding of the world around us, through repeated testing of observable evidence. And, most importantly, it changes when new information is discovered. What religion would defy its god if evidence came along to the contrary of earlier conclusions? And tell me, Jack: How much technology, medicine, biological understanding, etc has come from the Bible? Boy, it sure is great that Jonas Salk read the Bible so he could discover the vaccine for polio in Acts 3:22. And it sure was prescient of John to include plans for the semiconductor. It’s amazing it took scientists so long to just look it up and make the damn thing. Jackass.

What makes it so absurd is Jack’s idiot question about “do we have that much time left?” Well genius, if the scientist didn’t think we had that much time left, he would probably not be too content that he could solve the problems, I’d think! Just more creationist, young earth bullshit.

J: Well, if Jack thinks the world’s age is simply a tiny fraction of what scientists claim (e.g. billions of years versus six thousand years), if scientists believe there’s some catastrophe coming in maybe a couple million years, that means we’ve only got a few decades left!

J: Also, it’s not young earth, it sounds more like premillennial dispensationalism. Which, erm, is something they’ve been spouting for at LEAST a few hundred years, claiming the end of the world is “right around the corner”. Thus, we don’t have twenty to three hundred more years, because Jesus is going to be coming, like, seriously guys, about noon tomorrow, we really mean it this time, like, super super seriously, promise.

J: His head is SO BIG and his arms are SO TINY. He’s like a little baby owl or something.

Bad Grammar. I’ll let this image here speak for itself.

J: I dunno, I’m willing to let the “that” slide. And I’d put a colon or a period instead of the first ellipsis, personally. It just generally sounds like really, really shitty beat poetry to me. “Rat… rat race… can’t stand… fast pace… too much… famine… can’t we… examine? … skyrocketing prices… man’s cruel devices… rat race… can’t stand… fast pace. Peace.”

J: She’s a small mother, apparently.

Oh hey, it’s Fang. I hope he eats the stupid kids.

J: I hope he eats the stupid Tract.

Or is it the parents who’re stupid? There is nothing in the world so pressing that would cause a fit parent to miss the fact that her kid is CHEWING ON ELECTRICAL CORDS. Obviously another attempt to confuse pre-existing failures and flaws with those “caused by SHATAN!”

J: And while one beats the fuck out of the other’s probably still not entirely hard head with a small club, no less. ‘Course, if they manage to kill each other, at least those are two of her problems solved. : P

“YAAAA!” is the most believable part of her dialogue. I’ve seen people break down and start randomly screaming. Never actually heard someone yell I’m going Bananas though, that’s a new one on me.

J: In the second panel, I almost feel like she’s about to break out into a hair metal rock anthem about being a burdened mother in the lower middle class with an unsupportive husband and idiot children.

J: Wait a minute, she has insurance? Hey, lady, quit your fuckin’ bellyaching and get in line behind the millions of people who don’t have the means to take care of their medical, psychological and physiological problems when they arise. Come back when your idiot baby electrocutes himself, and you have to pay entirely out of pocket.

…yes, the most -extreme- cases of mental illness are -occasionally- given electroshock therapy.

J: I think he’s basing his mental image of psychiatric hospitals entirely on One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

No, patients are not “always” given medication, because hospitals in the US (where you LIVE, remember, you reason-forsaken puddle of ignorant superstitious pus?) are run as BUSINESSES, and medication is more expensive than sit down therapy.

J: Hah! Dr. Hyde! Hilarious!

Where the fuck did Jack go to get info on a therapy session? I was in group therapy once, I wasn’t allowed to talk after the third session because I had a habit of telling people exactly what I thought, which was “you’re rationalizing your problems so that nothing’s your fault, which is bullshit you tiny-minded tool.” Or similar things. Common rules are “no negative words” and other touchy feely crap.

That guy doesn’t look black to me. He looks kind of Asian, really. I guess they’re in “shout random unrelated stuff” therapy as much as anything else.

J: Hah, yeah. Guy looks more like Odd Job without his hat. And what possible constructive progress could be made from shouting “I hate you ‘cuz you’re black” at someone, anyway? Just… this is… just retarded.

Insert overused cliché misinformation about psychiatrists here. The blame it on your mother thing is beyond not true, it’s just played the fuck out as a joke.

J: Indeed. It’s an oversimplification of Freudian philosophy (which itself is, erm, pretty simplistic) that’s about as credible a psychological science as “I discovered through hypnosis that I was abused by Satanists”.

The second panel of this page is really just a re-take on the joke way back up in page 2, the idea of “physician heal thyself.”

J: Like it’s any fucking secret that psychiatrists are pretty notorious for generally being in need of psychiatric treatment themselves. Of course, all psychiatrists are mentally unstable, and eventually kill themselves.

I like to think this is just some random guy showing up and abusing this old lady with a sudden diatribe on everything that’s gone wrong with her life.

J: He just travels around doing this to people one at a time, like a more localized version of Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged.

And now the windows of the house are talking to us!

J: TALKING HOUSES! IT’S THE END TIMES, RUUUUUNNNN!

J: By the way, the ONLY way to find peace, or to come to terms with the stressful events in your life, is through Jesus.

J: “…at least, I hope he can’t tell a lie. If he can, I’m fucked. Oh shit, hold on… he tricked that one guy into almost killing his son, didn’t he?”

J: More talking windows! What is this, doubling as a real estate brochure?

J: “HEH HEH”

She’s not actually talking here, she’s just standing next to a bullet-pointed, speech-bubble-shaped Powerpoint presentation screen.

J: Let’s see… “Jesus is God Almighty!” Well, that’s not something he’s done, really. Presumably that’s just the way he was made.

J: Bullet point one: Okay, Jesus created the universe and all things in it. Including evil, Satan, pain, misery, and Original Sin, for which he blames us. (Also, why would there need to be a Jesus without Original Sin?) So that’s not really entirely fantastic. Sure, he created the universe, but that doesn’t mean everyone should fucking owe him for it. Yeah, it’s wonderful to be alive and all that, but none of us asked him for it, and if he only did it for something in return, then he’s not really much of a God, is he? Fuck, Satan could do something really nice for someone. What good is it if he gets to control your soul?

J: Bullet point two: Hrmm, I need a reference other than the Bible on this one. I’m sorry, it’s just… going to be necessary.

J: Bullet point three: So, a book — the origins of which, despite claiming divine inspiration, all point to human creation — said that a guy once did something really magical. How does that apply to anything else IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD?

Another case of disappearing body parts. In this case, poor fucker vanishes from the shoulders down where
Happy Jesus Woman’s word bubble begins!

J: He’s probably just some random specter that plagues her constantly, floating around and pointing out how fucked up her life is, and how much more stressed she really ought to be. She has this same conversation six times a day.

Usual boring stuff, the only funny here is that this guy looks like George Jetson.

J: Again, it’s infomercial-speak. THERE’S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY! Now, there is! Try the HotKnife, the self-warming butter knife! You just press the button on the side, and electrical coils inside the knife HEAT UP so that the knife can CUT RIGHT THROUGH HARD, COLD BUTTER! NEVER worry about forgetting to take the butter out of the fridge AGAIN! And coming soon, it’s JESUS IN A CAN! Feeling dirty with sin? Want to get rid of it? Soap and water not working? Forget all that “for God so loved the world” bullshit — THERE MUST BE SOME OTHER WAY! [boi-oi-oi-oing sound effect; cheesy, spinning graphics] Now all you have to do is press the lid, pull back the tab, and you’re FUCKING SET! Yeah! No more time-wasting prayer, humiliating groveling, and refraining from everyday activities that have been arbitrarily branded “evil”. Just pick up a Jesus-In-A-Can from your local Walgreens, K-Mart, or other fine stores.

J: At first glance, it looked like there was an umlaut over the space between “have” and “eternal”, and I thought, for a second, “how do you even pronounce that?”

The random pauses in her statements lead me to think she has a brain tumor.

J: Of course, there are other obvious indications as well.

J: The world’s going mad, all right…


Again, Jack does a good job of sticking to his usual theme, but that’s about all he does well. I think I’m noticing a trend, that the most entertaining tracts are those that are using a narrative as allegory approach. This one’s a bit more of an infomercial and therefore a touch less funny, but even so the utter absurdity of the art creates some pleasing entertainment to work with.

J: So, what did we learn, ultimately? Well, here’s what I took from this one: 1) No doctors are to EVER be trusted. 2) All psychiatrists are mentally unstable, and ultimately kill themselves. 3) Nobody EVER finds any kind of peace or stress relief, except through Jesus. 4) There is an epidemic of pre-teen alcoholism. 5) Jews control the world’s finances. 6) Science is bullshit, because God is coming, like, in five minutes, seriously, we’d better clean this place up. 7) If you take single instances or rare occurrences of events, and then extrapolate them to be representative of all things, you can convince a lot of really stupid people that you’re making a valid argument, or providing genuine information.

Well, that’s all for now. Join me next time when I take a shot at The Gunslinger (and as I try not to turn it into a huge Dark Tower reference… yeah, I’m gonna fail that one, I think).

73 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Mad Machine (Guest Dissection by Ascendance)”

  1. Black-Haired Woman in the “my husband ran off with another man” panel kind of looks like she tried casting the Mind Bondage spell on her man. Maybe THAT’s why he ran off.

  2. Also, what would have made this tract at least tolerable would have been Jack’s pudgy, non-threatening demons standing around and whispering sweet nothings into people’s ear (since that seems to be the only thing they ever do).

  3. Pfft. This one was rather silly. Good way to start the morning. Because clearly all we need to save the world from these problems is good ol’ BLACKSTRAP MOLASSES.

  4. Wow. Not only stupid, but dangerous. I’ve known people who blame and torment themselves because God just Isn’t Cutting It and still need medical help, but won’t get it because with God, they should be automatically A-Okay.

  5. My girlfriend lives with a pastor to a church (unfortunately) and tells me about a lot of Christian things that happen. For example, Jews are stupid because they’re monotheistic. Another example, their son with Asperger’s syndrome is automatically more problematic than… let’s say… starving children in Africa? And of course, the only way to treat Asperger’s is therapy once a week and no chocolate, no milk, no bread, no food, no water, etc. What else? Let’s just say that the son’s allowed to have a girlfriend while the daughter’s not allowed to have friends that are guys, let alone a boyfriend.

    And of course sex is a free for all as long as you get married… I mean the lube in their bed room is definite urge for marriage!

    If you’re wondering what church this is, look up Living Gospel Baptist Church.

  6. “God can’t lie–I know, because he told me!” A touch redundant there, sister.

    And yeah, a lot of people in psychology/psychiatry fields do have their own problems (Example: me), which is what drew their interest in the situation in the first place. And someone who deals with extreme problems such as a child with alcoholism would probably need to see a therapist of their own every once in a while just to cope with the stress of handling other people’s problems.

  7. Random slightly off-topic musing ahead. I sometimes imagine that Wowbagger would make an excellent replacement for St. Peter. “Smith?” “Yes! Can I go in now?” “You’re a jerk.” “What?” “Bill Smith? Bill Dennis Smith?” “Yes, that’s right!” “You’re a jerk! A complete asshole! Go straight to Hell.”

    Re: Gun Slinger – Hmm… 8 panels in and someone from the run down western town wants him to kill the local preacher. The preacher’s a guy, but I guess his name could be Sylvia Pittston…

  8. Panel two(with the woman in the suit): Yep, because you can just go to psychiatrists randomly without making an appointment or anything.

    Panel four(with the disallusioned patient and the beaten up guy): I’m betting it doesn’t happen very often that a doctor would treat someone for something without checking up on it in 15 whole years.

    Cos y’know, there’s no such thing as a bank account or anything.

    Panel five(the women who’s been left for a man): The fundamentalists need to realise that their homophobia contributes to the rate of divorce by trying to pressure gays and “ex-gays” into marriage, where it all inevitably goes tits-up.

    Panel seven(Sobersides Sanitarium): “Sobersides” almost sounds like the name of a philosopher, as if someone wanted to be a cheap knock off of Socrates…

    Panel 13(asylum, electoshock and drugs): Because people on medically proscribed drug treatment are the same thing as junkies getting a “high”…

    Panel 15(blame it one your mother): This almost sounds like the mantra of Joseph Nicolosi, “reparative therapist”.

  9. Just to clarify: a sanitarium is an old fashioned name for a long term health resort. Jack Chick’s use of the term gives us yet another clue to out of touch with reality he really is.

    It should not be confused with sanatorium. The word sanatorium was coined in 1904 by the National Anti-Tuberculosis Association to distinguish their care facilities from long term health resorts. Both words are derived from the Latin word “sanitas” meaning “health”.

    On a different note: there are just some problems that faith in Jesus, no matter how profound, can’t cure. Clinical depression for example. Depression is caused by improper levels of chemicals like serotonin — in advanced cases of depression these chemical imbalances can only be corrected by anti-depressants.

    And by putting all her problems on Jesus, the woman at the end of the story is just using Jesus as a drug, how is that healthier than seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist? (Heh-heh: Using Jesus as a drug. Dude can I get a hit of your Jesus?)

  10. And wait a minute…So God saved the Jews just so they could move to Germany and take over the banking system? Man the longer Chick’s at it the weirder he gets.

  11. Regarding the “black strap molasses” guy: this is fascinating to me because there is a true story from the Pennsylvania Amish country about a guy named Edward Gingerich who quite literally beat his wife to death in front of the kids with an extreme level of brutality. Seems he had serious psychoses that were being treated with … wait for it … black strap molasses (among many other things) Here’s a link:
    http://www.crimelibrary.com/notorious_murders/family/gingerich/1.html

    What makes this fascinating is that Mr. Gingerich ia a member of a closed Christian sect that adheres to a fairly strict, though not necessarily Fundamentalist, interpretation of Christianity. Of course Chick and his ilk would write the Amish off as apostate (assuming Chick and his ilk know what “apostate” means). What I wonder, though, is whether Chick was aware of the Gingerich story and the reference to black strap molasses is intentional.

  12. I will have the first panel of the Gunslinger tattooed on my back. I swear to god, if that’s not Chick’s pièce de résistance then I don’t know what is. I’ll frame it and cherish it forever.

  13. Chick forgets to mention that the more religous a country is, the higher it’s rates of crime, poverty, drug abuse, divorce, and abortion. (Google “Cross-National Correlations of Quantifiable Societal Health
    with Popular Religiosity and Secularism in the Prosperous Democracies: A
    First Look.” if you don’t believe me.) The state with the least divorce is Massechusetts! Basically, if you want to stop divorce then you need to stop Christianity!

  14. “Chick forgets to mention that the more religous a country is, the higher it’s rates of crime, poverty, drug abuse, divorce, and abortion. (Google “Cross-National Correlations of Quantifiable Societal Health
    with Popular Religiosity and Secularism in the Prosperous Democracies: A
    First Look.” if you don’t believe me.) The state with the least divorce is Massechusetts! Basically, if you want to stop divorce then you need to stop Christianity!”

    Of course it is. When you are drilled from an early age the being human is horrid, sex is the worst thing ever, and you are only supposed to live for jesus, then a lot of people are gonna have to let that steam out. Of course, fundies would never *ever* admit that. They just claim it is evidence that their way of life needs to be enforced on us *even more.*

    I seriously have trouble understanding fundies. How can your faith outweigh real life concerns? Does their ability to feel empathy become burned out? How can they not care that they hurt others? Most of my friends come from the GLBT community, and despite hearing the same stories over and over, I can’t comprehend how a parent can disown a child for being gay, or transgendered.

  15. I’ve got to say that the single worst problem in this Tract is the rampant notion of ‘If we just believe in God, he’ll solve all our problems’. Didn’t Chick read about, y’know, the Black Death? I bet religion saved the survivors.
    Also, as any dolt with even a small high school (like me) grasp on Economics would find that inflation can be caused by (drum roll please) increased consumer spending, caused by (drum roll again) lower taxes!
    ALso, I believe this tract is located somewhere between the end of the Idyllic 50’s and Satanic Seventies in the Chickverse…
    …unless the ‘Population Explosion’ is a ‘witty’ reference to declining birth rates in Western Society.

  16. I’ve noticed the “Love the Jews,” tract is a recurring joke in these dissections. Any chance we’ll ever see one for that particular tract? I mean, that particular one practically mocks itself, what with its references to “Catholic Germany,” but it’d still be nice to see on here, after hearing so much about it.

  17. Possibly a reason can be found behind the madness, if I just look closely enough . . .

    Oooh!I’ve got it! Chick wrote this in response to one too many people telling him he needed psychiatric help because of his work!

  18. In the fourth panel… after staring at it for well over ten minutes I think… that the kid on the very left is wearing a vampire cape while picking the nose of what looks like… a girl kid whose face is just a mess of lines? Perhaps?

  19. Y’know, while reading this, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Chick was trying just too damn hard to be funny.

    “NOW I’LL HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER TRANQUILIZER! LOL!”
    “YOUR SHRINK IS SEEING HIS SHRINK TODAY! LOL!!!”
    “IT WASN’T A SHE! IT WAS A HE! LOLOL!!!!!”
    “I’M NOT THE PATIENT! MY SON IS! LOOOOOL!!!!11”
    “WE WANT PEACE EVEN IF IT MEANS GOING TO WAR! LOLLERSKATES!”
    “THE SOLUTION IS SIMPLE! BLAME YOUR MOTHER! LAWL!!!111ONE ONE”

    Gimme a fucking break :op

  20. OK, Jabberwock brought up Scientology at the very beginning, I wonder if the facts that any reputable psychiatrist would recognize the techniques used by Scientology as cult leader/mind control stuff, and that Scientologists hate psychiatrists, are related?

  21. Ah, the old “modern life is driving us mad with stress” meme.

    For most of human history people lived in abject poverty, squalor, and ignorance by modern standards. Typical life expectancy was less than half of what it is today. Infant mortality was around 50%. People were utterly helpless in the face of epidemics, invasions, and tyrants of all kinds. Cancer and Alzheimer’s and suchlike were almost unknown because almost nobody lived long enough for those things to become an issue.

    And now that technology (based on science) has changed life so dramatically that the worst problems most of us face today would have been judged to be mere minor inconveniences by anyone before 1900, apparently we’re all dying of stress.

    People seem to have a bizarre psychological need to believe that life is getting worse and worse even while in fact it gets better and better. I suspect it’s the psychological influence of the tale of the Fall of Man in Genesis (even atheists are not entirely immune from influences which have become so pervasive in the culture) — we’re programmed from birth to view human history as a decline from a former ideal state, even if all the evidence shows the opposite.

  22. Infidel, you are quite right. It is human nature to fantasize that the past was more ideal than the present. No matter how good things get, we’ll never quite appreciate it enough. Why are we like this? Who knows, but perhaps it has something to do with sentimentality?

    The sad part is that Christians like Chick like to flog this extremely negative world view in an effort to promote their beliefs. I’ve seen it time and time again, where they try to portray humanity as almost beyond redemption and the world in a seriously bad state and declining, despite the fact that human beings are complex creatures with both good and bad traits and that misery, wars and suffering have existed all throughout history.

    The fact that you have to try and convince people to dislike the world around them in order to portray your beliefs as essential says volumes about the nature and validity of your beliefs.

  23. Great work, Neph. Hilarious.

    I’ve been thinking about this “Catholic Conspiracy” Stuff, and I found something disturbing that points towards it. Go here:

    http://www.population-security.org/swom-97-07.htm

    All this crap about the Catholic Church trying to take over the world – is it true, though? Take a look at the above link and it might provide reasons behind some of Chick’s ideas. At any rate, it wouldn’t mean SHATAN is behind it, but it would point to the Pope trying to influence the world’s governments.

    It’s worrying.

    Any ideas?

  24. If I remember right, people said for years that a Catholic president would serve the Vatican first, and America second. I think Kennedy more than proved the doubters wrong, and I think that the Kennedy presidency, if anything, proved that the Catholic church wasn’t the world-encompassing conspiracy powerhouse that Chickadees make it out to be.

    Alot of this would be much more troubling if I wasn’t already wary of the Catholic church. I’m not saying it’s anything on Chick’s level, but I already figured it was behind some shady dealings, so I’m really not surprised that stuff like this is surfacing.

    Doesn’t legitimize Chick any, though, especially considering that virtually every major religion in the history of mankind has been involved in shady dealings–including his beloved fundamentalist Christianity.

  25. Well, yeah. But, sometimes, you hear certain things in the news and whatnot, and it just makes you think that maybe, maybe on the off-chance, it could be true. Of course, it isn’t, but as humans, we tend to have a capacity to worry – especially with religion, as it has permeated our culture so deeply.

  26. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. The fact that (1) Chick says the Catholic Church is a sinister organization, and (2) the Catholic Church actually is a sinister organization, is little better than coincidence — it doesn’t validate him as a guide to reality.

    It’s entertaining that decades ago people worried that Kennedy would be too much a slave to Catholic doctrine, while today the fundamentalists worry that Giuliani isn’t enough of a slave to Catholic doctrine (because he’s not anti-abortion or anti-gay).

  27. I find it interesting that Chick mentions that “experts” predict an economic collapse, despite previously pointing out that “experts” can’t be trusted or believed.
    Still, it wouldn’t be a Chick tract if it adhered to anything resembling logic.

  28. The Catholic church, like all institutions, has a shady history.

    Jack, however, is using the church’s shortcoming as a means to propagate his rather prejudice beliefs.

    The problem is, if you’re gonna highlight a person’s or institution’s bad points in order to justify people hating them, you can essentially do it to ANYONE or ANYTHING, and it never stops.

    To illustrate: I could easy point to America’s history of segregation and the existence of the KKK and say that America is a country that grossly violates human rights.

    Or I could illustrate that computer technology development was largely a result of the Cold War, and that nobody should use computers or the internet out of principle.

    Not to mention that, despite what Chick seems to think, Protestantism too has a violent and corrupt history. The only difference between the Catholics and Protestants is that the Catholics had a 1,500 year headstart.

  29. National Lampoon did a parody once that showed angels in cop uniforms tossing a fornicator into a flaming paddy wagon, and one of them was saying “That’s right, Billy, and your friends are darned.”

  30. Felis-I’d actually say the Vatican has been stagnating over the past few centuries. So, if anything, attempts at controlling world politics could be the church struggling to stay afloat in deep water. Compare the Church of the 21st century to the Holy Roman Empire–not literally, but the amount of influence in world politics that each has had–and there’s a pretty wide margin. The Catholic Church once controlled entire countries indirectly. It can never regain that kind of power, not overtly, not directly.

    Sure as hell can try though, but it won’t.

  31. Yeah, you’re right. Just sometimes you get the number 1984 flashing in your head. Mind you, it’s people like Chick, more than any other, who would bring it about.

  32. Well-he obviously won’t be voting for Obama.When asked for comment-jack said ‘he’s a democrat,and worse, he’s ethnic’.When asked on Hillary he said ‘ooh and have femenism rise’.

  33. Daniel: Oh, okay.

    BTW, look at the close-up panel of von Koffenheimer. Look at the guy he’s talking too? Look at his nose – it’s even biggre than Koffenheim’s. I swear, this is such a blatant stereotypnig of Jews that I nearly fell off my seat laughing.

  34. The dinosaur tract makes me laugh. Nobody says that a comet killed the dinosaurs on its own, it’s just one of several factors. Not to mention that Chick neglects to show the facts. As for dinosaurs being big and requiring lots of air, what about the small ones, like Velociraptor?

  35. Or any dinosaur smaller than an elephant, really. Being as the elephants survived and don’t have trouble breathing, the size issue (working on the premise that Chick’s theory is accurate) would only apply to dinosaurs larger than an elephant. There’s lots of tiny dinosaurs (there were some about the size of a cat at maturity) that should still be around.

    Also? I like cryptozoology. I think it’s completely nifty and awesome and actual science and all that. But I don’t want the religious nuts giving it a bad name.

  36. Really, you don’t need to read it to get the gist of that one. More of Chick confusing “bullshit,” for “solid, accepted fact.”

    At least he didn’t have to cite his sources–there WERE none to speak of. It’s like if I wrote an article on Bacon’s rebellion with only my own personal understanding (and I use that term lightly with Chick) and just made shit up to fill in the blanks.

  37. Re: Craig

    I think I’d actually root for Chick if he took on the Scientologists. Because while he’d be completely screwed up in his own beliefs, he might get something right in his tract! :-O

    Only someone who’s never been mentally ill can propose the idea that a religion or anything like that offers a quick fix. Oh wait, Chick’s mental….he just doesn’t know it.

  38. Congrats, Brett!

    As promised, a poem.

    There once was an artist named chick
    Whose art always made people sick

    For despite all his pleading
    His religious inbreeding
    Made him act like a pompous old dick.

  39. I have to say in comment 34 DMC nails it.

    I know of a guy who:
    1. Was friends with an ex-hooker.
    2. Started a Christian church where his immediate successor cut a man’s ear off and openly denied the faith three times.
    3. Had most of his followers leave him because he presented a teaching they didn’t want to accept.
    4. Was betrayed by one of his top twelve students he appointed to spread the faith.

    And Jack Chick calls that man “His personal Lord and Saviour” whom he treats like some sort of Genie trapped in a bottle (the Bible) because he bends his God to suit his own personal agenda and thinks you go to hell if you don’t say the ‘magic words’.

  40. The guy being lectured by Happy Jesus Woman actually looks more like Mort Kondracke than George Jetson.

  41. Holy fuck…the criminal in #9…his nose is actually making physical contact with his lower jaw. How does he eat?

  42. So, if you have chemical imbalances, natural human fallen nature-ie, to worry, esp when facing NWO financed banruptcy, rime, etc-then poor you, you do not have Jesus??

    Did not Mary Magdalen weep, his Apostales?? Guess they are out too??

  43. What I just noticed is that jack does not say how to deal with the stress of our modern world. He just says the woman claims to have the answer. Since she claims, that doesn’t necessarily mean she is right. He also decides to screw how people can deal with stress and decides to scare George Jetson, further pushing the “religion of fear” concept.

    Why is he so stupid?

  44. Wow, I was just doing a random search on the ‘net and found these. I work at a hospital with no “technical” affiliation with a church, but it is also named The Christ Hospital.

    In occasion, in certain public bathrooms around the place I find these “religious” propaganda pamphlets. I used to write in them about their racist judgemental BS and leave them for the next guy. Now I just take them for my collection.

    Titles in my collection thus far include:
    * Free At Last!
    * Room 310
    * Men Of Peace? (this one’s REALLY racist! talking of Islam)
    * Hi There!
    * Boo! (anti-Halloween)
    * Why Is Mary Crying?
    * Who Is Allah? (another disgusting look at Islam)

    I have many other pamphlets left in bathrooms I’m going to give an fellow sacreligious friend as a gift, but I like the comic books the best. I take them all, but always looking for additions to the collection.

  45. What experts predict a world wide depression? Is von Koffenheimer one of whose experts? First he makes fun of “experts”, then he refer to “experts”.

    What kind of treatment centre guarantee to cure any alcohol problem? There isn’t even any cure for alcoholism, and if a cure comes it’s more likely to be in the form of a pill.

    Yes, severe psychical problems are treated with ECT, that’s wrong with that? It’s effective, fast working, and it has few side effects. And than did drugs become a problem in psychiatric care? It’s a life and death situation, a patient with delusion can for example commit suicide or even murder. Now then we actually have treatment, why not use them? Doesn’t the loving god want us to be healthy? To deny patients drugs, is to act like those doctors who laughed at Ignac Semmelweis and his crazy idea that doctors in obstetrical clinics should wash their hands.

  46. Well, well, where to start? Jack is a former actor/cartoonist who discovered that Mao used comics to spread the Communist Plague which included the Shooting of the kids at Tineman Square, the senseless slaughter of the Tibetan people, whose only crime was feeding the Lamas, driving the Dali Lama into exile, fomenting the VietNam murder of American Serviceman, and the abject humilation of the poor Veterans at the hands of those who claimed to preach- Love and Peace, while peddling hate and violence ( can anybody say, “1984”?). Many of the things that you point to have to be seen in context, in the tradition of the first American CARTOONIST, Dr. Benjamin Franklin, “don’t tread on me”, Jack DOES WHAT MANY CARTOONIST DO,exagerated drawings, look at the noses on Jug head, Miss Grundy, and Professor Flute-snoot, in Archie Comics, which in it’s own way,like “Peanuts”, “B.C.”, and “Rodgers” present Judea- Christian principles Willikers, Sandy- look at the Kurtzman- Gaines “Mad”, especially some of the Basil Wolverton concoctions. Noses are an important part of my comic repertoire also.As Jimbo, the Magical Clown. Saved you the trouble, I called myself a fundamentalist Clown,before you could.What other profession do you start by “picking your nose”? And a clown, is also able to “pick his friend’s nose”, too. Now, let’s examine a few of your erroneous conclusions.
    You seem to be guilty of the most salubrious “pick-knitting”, I’ve ever encountered… I mean LOOK at that drawing with Fang! One kid’s chewing electric cords, anther’s beaning the babby the cat grabs fang’s tail, the Mad Machine is the most ludicrous exaggeration of mad sci, I’ve ever seen… Don’t you understand? SATIRE! Do you think just the Left has a “right” to it? The word “fundamentalist”- which is the vernal arnex synapstic way of God saying, as did Pilate, “What I have written, I have written!” Fundamentalism begins with a 3 letter word, FUN, “Laughter is the ultimate reality” Any good writer tells a story Lord used parables, C.S.Lewis used talking animals, as did Aesop, J.R.R. Tolkien used Hobbits,
    Elsie Sechrist used a Spinach-eating sailor, capp used a young Hillbilly with the strength and brains of a young bullock, I did do the “Li’l Abner” musical, but I did not get the lead, because I didn’t have the brains for it! (hint- that’s called sarcasm!).
    The Scientific Laws were formulated by a fundamentalist, named Newton, most of our English language and vocabulary was developed by the fundamentalist Noah Webster, one of the pioneers of mathematics and computers was the fundamentalist,Pascal. Lewis considered his mentor to be
    George MacDonald, who hung around with an obscure mathematics professor named Charles L. Dodson, who wrote a
    little ditty that begins:”Twas brillig and the slithy toves… oh what was the name of that poem?

    e.o.s., for now

  47. Randy –

    I think s/he is trying to say that Chick is not being serious, but is engaged in satire of his own.

  48. hair metal anthem, you exactly described Bon Jovi’s “Hey God” (name is even appropriate for Jack the Chick)

  49. Its difficult to understand what madjimp are trying to say. Yes Mao was very evil, but that has nothing to do with this comic. Two, madjimp write that “the left” doesn’t have monopoly on satire, sure but are he implaying that Chick is a right wing political? I’m rightwing, Scandinavian right wing, and I don’t want to be associated with mr Chick, and I should be surprised and terrible scared if rightwing political in for example North-America should want to be associated with him.

  50. Every so often, in my netsurfeiting, I reinhabitize some of the places,

    especially when I note that someones have not understood what I last in-

    scripted on their sight( sic., site). Also, to assure that what does appear there

    is actually from us. Yes, my signature is part of a group, and also, we

    (jtmcpub.) are both male and female. In this you did guess correctly. The

    writing though done by several, is edited by one, which is myself Mad- like

    the party with Alice serving tea, and the old Magazines which were the work

    of Kurtzman and Gaines,( the new produce which like Michael O’Donahue’s

    Lord Dunsayian action that leads back to whence it began, in the old SNL

    plots, and the trite pretentiousness of Al Franken and Steve Martin’s

    attempts to be funny, and failing so much more than ever did Jack Chick.),

    and Jim P., hence, madjimp.

    When I did resurface the areas , as found in multi-search engines,

    under “madjimp”, I did find one site in which art by madjimp was displayed.

    Alas, mine own artistry is limited to stick figures, and clearly the artwork I

    found attributed to madjimp, none of us has , so far, ‘fessed up to doing.

    I, also, found my name listed in a couple of swinger sites, one, a lesbian

    dating personals site, which the females of our group avow they did not so

    subscribe us.

    But, the points which you seemed confused about were these: as a

    Viet Vet, to quote the distinguished Jewish philosopher-poet, R.Zimmerman,

    “I know the reasons why you talk behind my back,
    I used to be among the crowd you’re ‘in’ with…”

    I spoke about the Left, because I was among the Left,in the

    60s.Though, as an anarchist, actually more to the Right. And, today ,( here I

    can only speak for myself, since we are almost an ecumenical UN, including a

    mixture of sexes, races, and creeds, like any small business.), I am a

    Conservative Christian Anarchist- a slightly different form of religious right

    than you are used to.

    To the claim of “racist”, I hail from a long line of abolitionists, and was

    named for two uncles who fought for the North, because they opposed

    slavery. Holding up as their standards John Brown, Evangelist Charles G.

    Finney, and Pastor Lyman Beecher , his son Rev, Henry Ward Beecher and his

    daughter Harriet Beecher Stowe, who wrote a little book, and earned from

    Abraham Lincoln the title of “the little lady who caused the big war”. This was

    the original “Religious Republican Right”, and they preached the Christian

    message of Freedom and Truth under the leadership of Jesus Christ. Also, all

    the Beecher women were involved in the Suffragettes, yes, women’s’ rights!

    Finally, the point about Mao’s use of comics… this was from Chick’s

    bio, where he explained that if Mao could spread hatred and murder, and

    oppression, then Jack was going to use this same medium to convey Light,

    Life, and Love.

    So, what am I saying? Judo-Christianity which you want to attack as

    racist,stupid,out of touch with the times, sexist, etc. Actually, from Friar

    Roger and his descendant, Sir Francis Bacon set up many of the literary and

    scientific wisdom, which with Newton and Pascal formed the “scientific

    method” and the arts that have pulled us out of the darkness and into the

    light, much as Zeffirelli’s “Brother Sun and Sister Moon”, with music by

    Donovan,showed the young St. Francis so doing to the poor dye workers of

    his fathers. Literally leading them out of dark cellars where their bodies were

    being cankered by the hot oogie,purple dye, and out to taste the God-

    breathed air and enjoy the rays of the heavenly “Brother Sun”.

    It was Missionary men like Dr. David Livingston that brought the

    healing medicines to the sick in Africa, David Branyard, whose fervent prayer

    for the exploited Indians welfare, caused him to kneel in the cold snow, and

    exert such passion that he actually melted the snow around him. In fact,

    when they found him dead, still in prayer, within his tent, they noted that his

    knees were calloused, and they took note that he did this for his people,the

    tribes he ministered to. Place these caring individuals among the people of

    God, that you claim only caused crime and hatred. or what about Billy

    Sunday? He was a great ballplayer, but a bigger drunk, leaving the Lighthouse

    Mission to pave the way,through his Evangelical Crusades, for Billy Graham. \

    When Sunday came into a place, the Chamber of Commerce and

    the whole Community would contribute the seed money for his Revivals,

    because they noted that after one of his meetings, crime decreased,

    absenteeism at work went down, productivity increased, and the rich and the

    poor, standing together, as repentant sinners, would leave in a spirit of love

    and brotherhood, and prosperity would follow.

    I go out, standing next to the monument at the 3rd

    Presbyterian Church, which stands in honor of the great Evangelist Charles G.

    Finney… and I pray for this city, this country, and this world… that a double

    portion of this True Holy Spirit of Love, Freedom,Brotherhood, and Peace will

    once more come upon this Earth. (2Chr 7:14)

    Revival Now!

    jaime

  51. I don’t know how Chick and his friends can call the Planet young, when Supervolcanoes have erupted in the past, with the last one 75000 years ago.

  52. What the hell is up with Chick and noses? Everybody he draws except for the “good guys” has these big ol’ honkers jutting from their faces. I know a few of his “villains” are supposed to be Jewish stereotypes, but now he’s just handing out giant noses like candy.

    Maybe that’s why God’s sending them all to Hell… he’s jealous because He has no nose. Or any facial features, for that matter. In fact, God here reminds me of a dressing dummy in a bathrobe from my high school art class.

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