Iraq war czar: Consider a draft. They apparently finally arrived at the stunning revelation that if you treat your military poorly, it might lead some of them to quit when they can, and to discourage future enlistment. HOLY SHIT, YOU REALLY THINK? Their response, of course, isn’t, oh, say, better military strategy, or not shoving our illusory but still priapic American Might all over the damn world, or to stop lying about the people who actually attacked our country in order to fulfill an agenda that had been thought up many years before by many people involved with if not actually members of this current administration, but to pay for their mistakes with even more American blood by tossing in a bunch of reluctant countrymen so we can kill off about half the country before anyone is fucking finally forced into admitting that THE IRAQ WAR IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN A GODDAMNED STUPID IDEA PREDICATED ON MISINFORMATION. Among other things we’re advised to “consider”:
- Shoving our hand into a drawer and slamming it repeatedly.
- Bleaching our urethrae.
- Replacing our table salt with cyanide.
- Shaving our nipples with a sharpened quarter.
- Pressing our infants through a shopping cart.
- Underwear made entirely from leaking 9v batteries.
- Contracting scabies.
- Sandpaper contact lenses.
- Punching ourselves repeatedly in the face.
- Selecting the silver ball from all the objects in front of us on the table. No, I know the last three hundred times we tried it, it shocked us. This time, it will be different, seriously.
Though it may be entirely hard to believe, it turns out Rudy Giuliani “misspoke about” 9/11 and ground zero. Said Giuliani, “okay, now, when I said I was ‘exposed to the same health risks’ as rescue workers, what I meant was, I was ‘exposed to the same health risks’ as they were the day before 9/11, when many of them were in various offices doing their usual jobs. And when I said I was there ‘as often, if not more, than most of the workers’, I meant New York City, not the site of the former World Trade Center’s Twin Towers. What I… what I was trying to say is that ‘I was there’ in much the same way everyone else was there who was watching from somewhere other than New York City — with our hearts, our big American hearts. 9/11. 9/11 9/11, September the eleventh. Of September. Don’t want another one of THOSE, do you? Vote Rudy. I know I didn’t prevent it last time, but at least I ran around with a bullhorn. Who else is going to do that for you, huh? Oh, wait… Tom Green. I forgot.”
Actually, here’s what he really said, which isn’t much better: “You know, what I was saying was, ‘I’m there with you.’” … “What I was trying to say yesterday is that I empathize with them, because I feel like I have that same risk.”
Like always, a few fun ones from Pandagon:
Do you believe in magic?Ã¢â€žÂ¢ Marketing magic? A recent study found that children are more likely to prefer food in McDonald’s wrappers to the exact same food in unmarked wrappers. In a couple related stories, Altria Group Inc. has announced that their popular Marlboro brand of cigarettes will be renamed McMarlboro, and every member of the infamous pedophilia group NAMBLA has filed to legally change their names to Ronald McDonald. Asked for a comment, both Altria and a NAMBLA representative issued the same response: “I’m lovin’ it!” (Yeah, it’s kind of a crappy joke; I was going to go with something like: “Vatican to issue official change to priests’ wardrobes: Underwear fashioned from McDonald’s wrappers now ‘acceptable and mandatory’ attire.” but figured it might be too dated.)
This story isn’t really a surprise, but a Young Republican National Federation chair allegedly gave non-consensual oral sex to a sleeping man. Of actual note in this story is the Young Republican National Federation’s response to this story, which is to eliminate any reference to the perpetrator from their website. No wonder so many of them think the world is only 6,000 years old, given all the embarrassing things they’ve tried scrubbing out of history. (“Vhat vahr? Ve vere all on vacation!”) These are the people conservatives want to elect into power to control the country. Glorious.
One last one from Pandagon, a Republican Florida State Representative solicits sex from an undercover cop. Now, I have no problem with soliciting sex; I’m completely in favor of legalizing prostitution. Of note here, though, aside from his blatant hypocrisy in siding with the Religious Right, is the racist way he tried to cover it up: Basically, “a big black man scared me into giving him head!” Authorities believe this is the same Big Black Man responsible for the death of Jean-Benet Ramsey, the vehicular drowning deaths of Susan Smith’s two boys, the “real murderer” O.J. Simpson has been seeking, and is wanted for questioning in seven thousand insurance fraud investigations in the United States.
Just what is it, by the way, with Republican officials wanting so desperately to perform oral sex on other men?
In what is hoped by some to be the start of better relations with France, Bush hosts Sarkozy for a ‘heart-to-heart’ talk. Said Bush, “He’s bringing a good brain, good vision and goodwill.” He added, “and since he’s got those covered, I’m bringin’ the beer!” From the article:
As if to pound home the point that the event was a casual one, the White House put no seafood entree on the menu in a region renowned for its lobster. Instead, the visiting president got American picnic fare of hot dogs, hamburgers, baked beans and fresh dessert.
“If he feels like it, he can have him a piece of blueberry pie,” Bush declared.
He further explained that a panel of inquisitors would be convened to ensure that the French leader truly “feels like it” and isn’t just being polite. “I need to know,” said Bush. “If he has nothing to hide, then he shouldn’t be worried.”
In case you were wondering about how Iowans felt about Republican presidential candidates, Mitt Romney won some stupid straw poll in Iowa. Hey, here’s a fucking thought: Instead of blowing a whole ton of money for your glorified dick-measuring contest, why not do something that might actually matter with it, like found an orphanage, or pay for an entire lower-income neighborhood’s meals for a year? From the article:
“The people of this great state have sent a message to the rest of the country,” said Romney. “Change starts in Iowa.”
And what a change it was, with the completely mind-boggling, totally unexpected outcome of the candidate who spent the most money winning. Surely this is the start of the next great American revolution, Mitt.