Chick Dissection | Guilty? (Guest Dissection by Ascendance)

Another Guest Dissection, this time by Ascendance.

The judge risked his life to save Jimmy as a boy. What will he do when Jimmy is found guilty of murder?

This one is supposed to be, in a way, an allegory for fundamentalist Christianity. It succeeds, but not in a way Jack intended, and with ultimately sort of the opposite message. I guess you could call it an anti-allegory, maybe.

Again, my comments will be denoted by a preceding J:.

What’s more fun than a guilty kid? Running him over with a Mack Truck. Or something, I dunno. Jack’s covers are usually worthless, but this is a trip into the surreal.

J: Jesus, kid, fight or fuckin’ flight already.

Ohh, a Judge, in a tract called Guilty. I gets it! I really does! Wait, where the heck did his right leg go? Seriously, did his briefcase cut it off? Is it a shin-killer case? I want one to give to people I hate.

J: “Not today, Fred — I’m going to take the trans-dimensional suitcase in to work.”

The judge’s driver will be played by BigNosedMook, guest starring Ross Perot’s ears.

J: “No, sir, that’s totally okay. I just, uh… got the car all ready for you and pulled it right up to the curb and everything, but uh, that’s totally all right. You could’ve just as easily called me earlier, but… you’re the judge. It only took me an hour. I mean… I guess I’ll just put it back in the garage, and get it all ready and polished up again in the morning. If Mister Honor wants to walk… who am I to argue?”

I know it’s just perspective in the second panel, but once again you can’t see the judge’s right leg. This makes me think he’s actually hopping from place to place and swinging his stump back and forth, which makes me smile inside.

J: It makes me smile downstairs.

Speaking of perspective, apart from the fire hydrant and mysterious line, this panel appears to be in Jack’s usual Dirac Sea. And here’s a fun optical illusion trick; looking at the line that apparently denotes the sidewalk, can you tell me if it’s the street or the wall of a building to the Judge’s right? Who says these things aren’t entertaining? We’ve got optical illusions and all!

J: Maybe this is the “End of the World” Chick and other fundies keep talking about. It’s a literal terminating edge.

Wait. The tree in the panel of the Judge’s house was dead, and this one’s full of leaves. What season is it? Well, I guess that’s irrelevant, but it illustrates Jack’s inability to maintain reasonable context.

J: Maybe it took him two whole seasons just to walk this far. Perhaps he should’ve taken the car after all.

Again, I can’t tell if that’s the ROAD beside them, or a hedgerow. Baseball at Normandy, maybe? “Here’s a home run for FREEDOM, you Axis fucks!”

I like to consider that the kid isn’t hitting the ball in the panel, so much as swatting at the Batman action word. Also, what’s up with his posture? I played little league as a kid, and I never pivoted THAT far taking a swing. Is he having a seizure? “Crap, I hit it too hard, and spontaneously developed Down Syndrome!”

J: I think you’re switching the cause/effect, here: His posture is that ridiculous because he has some kind of debilitating neurophysiological condition. It could also explain all the phantom Batman action words he sees floating about.


The judge knows the ball was close because his ear sonar waves told him so. Additionally, his right leg makes its first appearance, hooray!

J: “Oh, no! My magnetic hand has no effect on children!”

I guess it was the road, and not hedgerows. Wait… if the ball was hit in front of the judge going toward the left, and the kids were on the same side of the road as he was, they had to be ahead of him. Why did he turn around? How did the kid get behind him? Dammit Jack, perspective! Context!

J: Nah, it wasn’t a road, it’s still nothing. And where the judge is standing right now, there’s nothing. And where the kids were playing baseball, there’s nothing. And directly behind where the kid is standing, it’s nothing. No wonder the kid is so disturbingly blissfully unaware of his surroundings — there ARE NO surroundings!

Also, is it just me, or did the judge trade in that leg-hazard suitcase for a liquor bag on the right panel?

World’s most oblivious kid, meet the world’s angriest truck.

Holy shit look at those drivers! Where the fuck do I start? Huge noses, the guy on the passenger’s side appears to have a massive tumor on his right shoulder, the driver’s teeth are trying to escape his skull, and apparently they don’t emphasize words for communication purpose, they just like to emphasize the first word in each sentence. Good god that’s some freakish specimens of humanity right there. I bet they’re unsaved and unhappy about it.

J: Also, you could slice bread with the shoulders of the pinhead on the right. I dunno, maybe they’re hauling circus equipment or something. Or leaky radioactive materials.

J: What a coincidence that there would suddenly appear in the middle of nothing a street, and that the drivers of the only truck on this only street would be distracted at the precise moment the kid is running across.

This just looks like the kid responding to the truck. Really I got no more to say about that panel.

J: …why would he be speaking out loud to a baseball?

The judge’s dialogue becomes stilted here. He’s yelling the first part, but seems kinda casual on the second line. “The truck’s got its schedule, I got mine…”

J: “Son! Get out of the street.” “Sure thing, dad!”

J: Judge Jew-dy, coming this fall to FOX.

Shit! Reality’s ending just behind the judge! Look at the sidewalk flying off! Is this a Shel Silverstein piece? Shame on anyone who doesn’t get that reference.

J: Ouch. : P

Uh. Is he saving the kid, or trying to rape him? If it’s the former, I gotta comment on the inefficiency of TACKLING someone in front of a truck when trying to get him out of the way of said vehicle. If it’s the latter, well, uh… I guess the Judge is the villain?

J: The “OOMPH!” sells me on the rape idea. “Don’t wanna die a virgin, do ya, kid?” Or, “YOUR MOMMY WAS RIGHT! BAD THINGS DO HAPPEN TO LITTLE KIDS WHO PLAY IN THE STREET!”

“I can’t stop! I’m busy swallowing this harmonica!”

Is it just me, or does the perspective here make those guys look less like they’re in the truck and more like pictures ON the windshield?

J: The real drivers threw up the pictures on the windshield and dove out so they could run away and find alibis.

“Whew, that truck almost ran us over while we were getting it on. I’m glad I had the presence of mind to roll us aside.”

It looks like the truck’s trailing fire, too, which is just a cool thought, context or no.

J: Though, why is it such a fan of Dustin Diamond?

Fang again!

J: You know, I wish Jack would just make a Tract entirely devoted to Fang one of these days. If you’re reading this, Jack — *HINT HINT*

There’s another dead tree. Does death and decay follow the judge around?

J: “No, kid, thank you. I’ve been trying to get that dopey hat off my head for years.”

Judge saves a kid, and it’s worth a tiny corner of a newspaper? Damn this society and its impossibly high standards!

J: An interior corner, no less.

Ahh, the return of Down Syndrome Friend. Nothing like talking to a friend who looks like he’s about to detonate all over you.

Power? Like REAL POWER in DnD? “Seriously, you get power! Just watch me channel all this bright light out of my head!”

J: Actually, if you look closely, there’s kind of a tentacle of light coming out of the explosion behind the kid’s head, wrapping around Jimmy’s head. I think this kid is actually part of the 3/5 of the population who are actually demons, and he’s influencing Jimmy’s mind.

See? Stupid people DO have an effect on us. One dumb question from smacktard, here, and all the lights go out.

Wait, they’re on again, and now there’s a window. What the fuck Jack, is this a random chaos reality? I thought God was a God of order!

J: Yeah, what cop in his right mind won’t let someone off for murder when the perpetrator tells them “don’t you know who I AM? The judge writes me a card once a year!” This plan is flawless. Something tells me we’re in for another “pre-existing severe problems that are merely brought to light and exacerbated by everyday stupid things are indications that the stupid things are the problems” message, here.

Oh shit, his jaw just got square. He must be TURNING EVIL. Additionally, he seems to have caught fire.


Not much else to say about this panel, kinda boring really. Dammit Jack, be ridiculous more, I need to make fun of you!

J: “CITIZEN’S ARREST! Oh, wait… I’m a cop.”

J: “Hey, kid, didn’t you see the sign? Get out of that tangible background and back over here into the vast emptiness. That place belongs to For Better or For Worse.”

J: I kind of like that the kid walks, like, six paces onto some vast expanse of land with a “No Trespassing” sign on it and there’s a cop, like, right there to bust him for it. a) Where the fuck is this place? b) Who would put a “No Trespassing” sign on an enormous vacant lot with nothing but grass in it? Why care? c) Doesn’t this cop have better places to be, and better crimes to solve? I mean, this is a town where the newspaper relegates a story about a judge saving a kid’s life — a story that would, in today’s sensationalized DEAR GOD THINK OF THE CHILDREN society, likely make brief national news, even — to some deep inner corner of the newspaper; obviously there are more important events taking place.

“Hello officer, I’m going to say some stuff now that may or may not be true.” “Shit! I will believe you, son!” HAHAHAHAH no.

J: “Listen here, officer, I’m friends with the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. He comes to all my dad’s Halloween parties, and he… well, he’s like my uncle. His wife bakes me brownies. So you’d better let me off.” “I believe everything you say, and know that if you told him I did my job and actually enforced the law with regard to your actions, I’d be out of a job forever!”

What the fuck, now the cop is having an attack of the Downs. Our little budding criminal here must be a carrier! He’s the common thread!

Okay, you know, wait. Nobody can be this dumb. Judge saved me as little kid =/= I believe I can get away with murder. Honestly, what? How the fuck do you get from “I bet I can act out a little bit since people think I’m friends with the judge” to robbing banks and shooting kindly old Jewish gentlemen or whatever ethnic stereotype Jack made this guy? Serious jump in logic thar, Jack.

J: He undermines himself with his own ridiculousness. There aren’t cables anywhere in the universe strong enough for the amount of disbelief one has to suspend merely to buy the general premise of these things. Which is why these Tracts are really only effective on people who are so capable of suspending disbelief that they’ll believe just about anything. Like that a just and loving God would condemn an entire race of people to eternal torment because of a single trick played by a talking snake in a tree who was ultimately simply telling the truth about an apple. Which is kind of why Chick’s efforts are somewhat futile: The kinds of people who’d buy into these are the kinds of people who’d have blindly bought into religion in the first place.

Also, what the fuck is up with that question at the bottom? Is the mysterious tattooed guy we’ll never see again asking it? Is he like Jimmy’s narrator? Also, the question itself doesn’t make sense, the judge never protected Jimmy, Jimmy implied he would. Gah, brain hurt, gonna go look at Fang for a minute, a few panels back.

Ahh, that’s better. Anyway, on to the strip.

See, the cop on the left is smarter than the cop on the right, because he’s not looking directly into Jimmy’s face. This has saved him from the horrible, contagious Down Syndrome (though nothing can save him that Burt Reynold’s Stache) while his poor partner is reduced to blithering idiocy as he apparently contemplates the gleeful possibilities of raping young Jimmy.


Legal Dude? NOBODY talks like this! And that’s a pretty fucking stupid lawyer, relying on a client’s claim he knows the judge. Seriously, there’s the whole issue of partiality and shit! I’d be beating the kid in the head saying “bring that up in court and WE LOSE.”

J: I also like the “he likes me” bit, as though people’s opinions and ideas are chiseled into stone and incapable of ever changing, regardless of what happens. “You sneaked up on me and kneed me in the groin every single day of the last six months, but because you bought me a coffee when we were in high school, I like you.”

Surprisingly enough, he gets the charges right (killing a witness to a crime is technically first degree murder).

Additionally: Fuck. Any judge worth their salt would recuse themselves from this case! Come on already Jack. I already get the premise you’re trying to set this up on, but have a LITTLE sense about it! “Because I need it to work” is not a valid literary argument.

J: Only the front part of this courtroom exists. In shots toward the back, of Jimmy’s face, there’s nothing behind him.

Oh, he “wasn’t acting as a judge” so it’s all okay. NO!

J: Yeah, it’s like he’s saying “as a man, I think what you did was perfectly all right. Unfortunately, I’m acting as a judge right now. Too bad I’m not on the jury, huh?”

I like that mouse though. He’s wondering what the fuck the Judge is smoking just like I am, I’ll bet. And I agree with the security guard, napping is better than listening to Judge Rambling speak. I mean, Rawlings. Rawlings.

J: Actually, I think we’ve switched to a different story with some plot resemblances, and the door is addressing the security guard it saved. “Murray! Murray, come on, wake up. I saved you. Come on! Get me a cup of coffee. I’m dying, here, Murray. Murray?”

Seriously, “I became your savior”? What? WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?

You couldn’t be his judge either! You have to recuse yourself or this whole thing goes out on appeal! STOP BEING STUPID!

Hell of a courthouse though.

J: Yeah, where is this, anyway? This further emphasizes my point that there’d be a lot more going on here that there’d be police available at every lawn with “No Trespassing” on it, willing to punish people to the full extent for walking ten feet onto a vast expanse of grass.

“Crap, he’s gonna sentence me! Down Syndrome power not working! Must make eyes bulge out of head!”

J: “…must impersonate… Chinese… New Year… dragon!”

Not hanging? Getting a bit soft in your old age, eh, Jack?

Ah, a naked soul being ushered into heaven by the angels. We certainly haven’t been HERE before.

J: This is actually kind of interesting, and here’s where the “fundie allegory” part comes in: Whereas one’s personal relationship with their “ultimate judge” guarantees them an innocent “verdict”, one’s relationship with their meaty judge means nothing, and if the judge is worth a shit, he or she will even let another judge take their place so that a personal relationship won’t get in the way. In fact, this is pretty much enforced by the law. And while real-life judges are concerned with people’s behaviors and actions toward each other, God apparently doesn’t give a shit how horrible people are to each other. (“Faith, not actions” and all that.) So in kind of an odd, ironic turn, it’s almost as though Jack is arguing that God shouldn’t be the arbiter of human morality.

“Get away from me! Not only are you filthy, you’re… ETHNIC.”

J: “Guess it was a bad idea to roll around in all those dog feces on the way toward the bright light after we died,” said the man in the sunglasses. “Great idea, Ed.”

Random narrating questioner will be played by Steve Buscemi, who is tragically recovering from a stroke… wait, recovering from a tragic stroke. Right.

J: He’s kinda funny-lookin’. More n’ most people even.

Again with the idiocy. People know who the fuck Jesus was already, stop pretending ANYONE is ignorant of what you believe about him, Jack.

J: I like the implication that there are a ton of people in the world who believe there’s an entire major set of religions built entirely around the idea of some kid born in a manger somewhere. “Let’s have our baby in a BARN! Then WE’LL be FAMOUS, TOO!”

Oh no! God’s exploding! ARRRGGH!!!!

J: Man, he’s really got the high beams on today, huh? If only we could harness the power of God, we wouldn’t need to kill ourselves ecologically and financially with our dependency on all these fossil fuels. Come on, God — you could at least throw us a fuckin’ bone.

Who says these Dissections aren’t doing any good? Take a look, Jabberwock, Jack’s stopped doing forced forelengthening in his crucifixions! You’re doing the world a service, man.

J: Woo-hoo.

Catholic Jesus raises shields against the storm!

And one of those images that always makes us laugh, a big angel chucking a naked man into fire. Seriously, I can’t stop giggling when I see these.

J: I like the implication raised by the “If you want to go to hell — don’t do anything” thing. So doing even something will get you into heaven? What if I raise my foot like this and wiggle it in the air? Does that count? I mean, I’m not “not doing anything”. Apparently as long as we exhibit action of some form, we will get into heaven.

Real men pray with their whole body. Like Moslems.

J: Be sure to pound the iron spike completely into the floor with your bare fists while you pray, or else you have to start all over again.

Usual block of summary text. Also, what’s up with that “the next step” illustration. “Become a Christian and you too can be a SPARTAN!”

J: Then an angel comes along and drop-kicks you into the fiery pit.

That’s all for this one, folks. Please consider donating to Down Syndrome charities to help all of little Jimmy’s victims. ~nepphie~

46 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Guilty? (Guest Dissection by Ascendance)”


    Hilarious, nepphie. Because it’s funniest to mock the drawing.

    I think Jack may have some philosophical explanation for why all his humans are butt-ugly but his Angels are proportional (and Aryan).
    The contradiction is glorious. “God is like this, only completely different”

  2. I;m curious:Is Rat Man really that fucking stupid to remember a completely trivial detail of Jesus’ life, and is completly oblivious to the weekly bombardment of ‘Jesus is God/Man/Demi-God’? Also, if he doesn’t know in the slightest what/who Jesus is/was, why does he arbitrarily capitalise his name? I mean, fuck.
    Oh, and once more you guys have proven your domination of Chick dissections. 1337 0WN4G3 +1!

  3. I need to look up my copy of deities and demigods from 2nd edition, see if they statted up Jesus or not. That’d be tight.


  4. Brilliant, neph. Brilliant.


    Personally, I don’t think the cop is having a Down attack. I think he’ trying to hold off a fit of Tourettes, because if he swore at that kid, he’d get into a load of trouble.

    Alright, kid, I’ll just give you a FUCK warning, just CUNT don’t do it aFUCKINGgain, ok!

    The cop who gives the right to an attorney looks like a deformed Mario.

    Oh yeah, look carefully at the first panel with Cletus the Slack-Jawed Trucker, and you’ll see what appears to be a frowning eye. The other is covered by text. Fuck, the truck really was angry.

    Timmah! Lib-a-lah, Timmah!

  5. I really don’t get Jack Chick’s repeated use of the “Who’s Jesus?” character. Does he honestly believe that people don’t know who Jesus was? Does the fact that Christianity is one of the world’s largest religions with an estimated billion followers not mean anything to him? Americans seem to be his target audience and 80 -90 percent of Americans already claim Christianity as their religion. The Americans who aren’t Christians have been exposed to Jesus through movies, TV specials, books, their Christian friends, or their own religion (after all Jesus is a major figure in Islam, Hare Krishna teaches that he was an avatar of Vishnu, and even Jews who don’t accept him as the Messiah know who he was and what he did — he’s in the Talmud for Fuck’s sake).

    Christianity has dominated much of the Western World for nearly 1400 years and has been pushed on anyone who would listen for nearly as long. I dare Jack Chick — I double dog dare him to find one person on Earth who isn’t at least familiar with the general outline of the Jesus story. He’d literally have to find a newborn baby !Kung living in Sub-Saharan Africa with its fingers in its ears, wearing a blindfold, living under a rock to find someone who doesn’t know who Jesus was.

  6. Agreed, Cacaoatl. Even if you don’t believe that he was anyone particularly special, you’re going to know why *they* think he was special.

    So the American legal system, supposedly, professes ‘guilty until proven innocent’. The Chick-Christian god’s legal system is ‘guilty until you repent and come over to my way of thinking’. Not that I’m a total fan of the current court system in this country, but it seems to be a bit fairer than Chick’s version of God.

  7. And the worst part is they all say we’re all supposed to go to hell by default, even if you don’t do anything wrong.

  8. Actually, Sei, it’s the other way around: The American legal system is supposed to presume innocence until one is proven guilty.

    And yeah, it is the opposite of Christianity, where everyone is condemned from the start and has to make a case for not being sentenced to eternal torment, by adhering to various bits of confusing rules and regulations, and apply to them in different, specific, selectively literal ways depending on which particular interpretation you think is more “accurate” to the demands of God.

  9. You know, the whole legal system in this tract is so goofy it makes Phoenix Wright look like a realistic game. What power does a judge have over a police officer, even a beat cop? What power does a judge have over a verdict once a presumably fair jury has passed one? What defense attorney would take this case, and even if he was a state-assigned attorney, why on earth wouldn’t he tell his client to exhibit remorse, build an actual case, et cetera? I mean…I’m not a real lawyer, I just play one in a game…but, damn.

  10. “Down Syndrome power.” That’s the funniest superpower ever.

    Oh, and if you need another guest dissection, I’m working on one for Lisa.

  11. What, no scene of Basic Generic Christian Guy witnessing to Jimmy? Bummer. But, I suppose he already blew it in the Jack Chick universe after he –not Murdered someone, oh dear me no, but Listened Too Long to Evil Non-Christian Dude.
    I used to believe this stuff whole cloth, but God has a sense of humor–He sent Buddha to make me look again. C’est la guerre.

  12. Interestingly enough, Dustin Diamond lives about 50 miles northwest of me in Wisconsin. A while back, a local radio station tried to help him save his house by bailing him out of the loan on which he was in default. He turned them down because they wanted him to come on the radio and talk about his life. He lost the house and had to move into a much smaller one. He really doesn’t like people apparently and will do anything to keep from being recognized. I guess that’s what happens when child actors get crappy roles in unrealistic, contrived TV shows 🙂


    Maybe chick gave the first tree a disease, mehbye?

    still, great dissection you two, keep it up :O

  14. That has to be among the most pathetic newspaper imitations I’ve ever seen. Seriously, at least in the past, Chick simply drew a newspaper or page in a comic context, instead of that failed poorly scanned mock article. I kind of wish Chick used one photo prop in each tract as an Easter Egg, though, kind of like he does with Fang.

    I don’t know why Chick uncharacteristically uses an Orthodox Jew as the morality lecturer. You’d think he’d at least be portrayed as a Messianic Jew!

    I’d say more, but the Judge has to be one of the sexiest men I’ve seen in a Chick tract. Normally, that isn’t saying much, but with that distinguished beard and dashing suit ruffled up from taking that tumble out of kindness… Excuse me, I think I’m going to run in the road with my baseball now…

  15. Jabberwock, you’re doinfg a dissecion every week, right? So, by this time next ear, you’ll run out, because there are only about 60 tracts. Oh yeah, if you want more Down’s Syndrome art, try dissecting Cleo. That dog looks like it has Downs. YA RLY.

    On a more serious note, thEsE tracts really are quite disturbing, in an obscured way. I mean, these things are marketed to kids (not necessarily this one, though). My real concern is the violent aspect of them being seen by 5 yr olds.

    Well, that’s the way to do things. Scare them with hellfire; get ’em while they’re young.

  16. I’ve been looking over a bunch of the Chick tracts (and laughing hysterically in the process) and I’ve noticed a few recurring characters. Not just Fang but the main proselytizers show up in several different tracts. Also, the same “devil” teacher woman appears in several places. Just something to notice as you giggle over the absurdity of these things.

  17. “Actually, Sei, it’s the other way around: The American legal system is supposed to presume innocence until one is proven guilty.”

    Right, right, slip of the metaphorical tongue.

  18. Reading or watching a witty person make fun of a bad work (movie, book, tract) is one of life’s little pleasures. It’s also why i’m a huge MST3K fan.

  19. Johan-ghost: E-zackly.

    I’m waiting for Jabberwock to dissect Angels?. That one is just so ridiculous.

  20. I love how this guy’s face just goes from “innocent and naive” when he’s wanting to be good, to “gnarled and evil” as soon as he decides he can get away with stuff because of his “connections”. Not to mention that I want to see the thought processes that take him from “I can walk on the grass!” to “I can shoot people and get cleared!”. I like to think there were no intervening crimes. He just went 5 years doing nothing, then shot someone randomly.

    And I agree, Mystical. Angels has it all.

  21. Mystical: is “Angels?” the one where Jack tells us to Burn all of our rock because loud music is the product of Satan? Because that’s probably the first time I’ve heard of certain genres of music be overtly Anti-everything-Christian.

  22. “Angels?” consists of four or five guys whom Satan recruits for a “Christian” rock band because OMG SATAN IS A DIRTY DIRTY LIAR AND WILL TRICK YOU INTO FOLLOWING HIM WITH COOL MUSIC It’s so ridiculous, especially the songs (“We’re gonna rock, rock, rock with the rock!” I… what? That wouldn’t pass muster anywhere. Apparently Chick has never actually listened to any rock music, ever.)

    Chick mentions burning rock music in “Dark Dungeons,” which has been dissected.

  23. Check it out! He’s shooting that guy in the shoulder! He must have had a really frail constitution to die from, what looks like at worst, a shattered collar bone. Then again, looking at his waist and legs he may have been suffering from some kind of palsy.

    Seriously, those are some prominant buttocks on that poor dead dude! Maybe he had dwarfism and Jacks poor knowledge of perspective merely makes it look like he’s on the same visual plane as dear old Jimmy. Shooting a Jewish dwarf! You should be ashamed!

  24. I honestly don’t know why I keep looking up these chick tracts online. It could be that I’m an intellectual masochist, driven to torture myself with stupidity. I read them back in elementary school, where I’m ashamed to admit I took them seriously, though I had some reservations about whether nonchristians would react as represented. Also, it seemed contradictory that my church would show me tracks about how Halloween was satanic and then throw a Halloween Carnival. That was confusing.

    Now that I’m older, I am frankly appalled. This guy… wow. I can spot about 30 misrepresentations of Christian beliefs without even trying. I think it would highly amusing, by the way, to watch C.S. Lewis or N. T. Wright rip this guy apart.

    However, I must say that the commentator’s acidic views on my beliefs got really old, really fast. My main problem is that he uses a straw man argument, assuming that Jack Chick’s warped views actually represent what christians believe. Please, I’m begging you, take a bible lit class before you dissect another tract. Not only will it get even appallingly funnier if you have even a vague background in Christian Theology, but it will stop annoying me.

  25. Lee: Are you a fundamentalist Christian? Or a conservative Christian? I personally make it a point to specify in those terms, and have since about the second or third Dissection. In fact, I think at one point I went back and edited every instance of “Christian” to “fundamentalist” or “conservative Christian” just because I wanted to make sure not to include the relatively sane Christians in my attacks. If you’ve missed that, well… I apologize for your lack of reading comprehension, and yes, this is an intentionally non-apologetic, blame-placing apology.

    I am fully aware of the fact that Jack’s bizarre perspective isn’t representative of that of all Christians, but you’re kind of contradicting yourself by saying that a) he doesn’t represent your beliefs, but b) you’re upset because I’m attacking your beliefs by attacking Jack’s beliefs. Which is it? Either he’s part of some goofy tangent aberration, in which case my attacks on his beliefs fall far outside the spectrum of yours, or you share a lot of beliefs with him, in which case my attacks on what his beliefs are actually “acidic views on [your] beliefs”, as you’ve stated.

    I was raised in a Catholic church, which I attended regularly until I was about 17 or 18 for the sake of not damaging what I felt was at the time a fragile relationship with my dad, so I have plenty of firsthand experience with Christian theology. It’s not that I don’t understand all the silly metaphysical shit, it’s that the Bible is on the whole pretty fucking goofy. Outside of Jesus’s whole “be nice to everyone” philosophy (which is rather unoriginal an idea, but it’s good that he was getting it out there), the Bible is generally a bunch of contradictory garbage, divided between baseless assertions about arbitrarily “acceptable” and “deplorable” behavior, which you don’t need to believe to be a good person, and a bunch of fairy tales that, if you don’t take literally anyway, are no more important or special to your perspective than using other forms of moving literature to shape your philosophies and attitudes toward others. I’d be just as critical of someone who felt that because they took their personal philosophy from, say, Atlas Shrugged or A Christmas Carol or Star Wars or etc., they felt their views were beyond reproach, including all the fictional or narrative elements.

    I also question your minimizing the quantity or influence of this supposed “fringe” of your theological brethren: Considering there are a lot of fuckers who believe roughly the same thing as Chick running around acting as elected representatives, I’m not sure these warped views are necessarily the minority of Christian faith. Even if the population as a whole isn’t necessarily, this presence in the government’s power structure skews things a bit. Or are people like Tom Delay just men made of straw in my head?

  26. First off, thank you for responding and listing your objections.

    My responses, in order:

    Am I a fundamentalist christian or a conservative christian?
    I honestly don’t know. Without a definition of each, I am unable to answer this question at all. I suspect that we have different terms for different things, which makes it a bit tricky. As far as I can see, a christian is one who hears the voice of God and allows it to shape his life. Beyond that, I shall not venure without a thorough description of what each of us believe.

    Aren’t I contradicting myself by saying he doesn’t represent my beliefs, but that by attacking his beliefs I too am under attack?
    This is actually a bit embarassing. By this, I meant that while correctly slapping down Chick’s insanities (for example, The Last Generation, hilariously godawful stuff), you ALSO attack truths I hold: faith in Jesus, God is Holy and good, etc. But upon rereading several dissections to come up with evidence of it, I reluctantly acknowledge that it was mostly you adopting Chick’s voice in exagerrated stupidity to get a laugh. While I still disagree with the conclusion that God is a paranoid sadist, I can hardly say it’s an actual attack.

    By the way, when christians talk about our belief in Jesus, we don’t mean, “I believe that couple thousand years ago, a man named Jesus existed and did a bunch of spiritual stuff, therefore I’ve got front row seats in Heaven.” Hell, that doesn’t even make sense. I submit to you to consider it from a different angle. The same way a Capitalist believes in a free market economy to solve a FUBAR country and the same way Lenin believed in Communism to solve oppression, that’s what we mean. We’re saying that this world is broken (for topics related to broken, see war, murder, adultery, racism, etc.) and that we believe that Jesus is the way to set things right.

    I got a bit sidetraked there, but I think it’s an important distinction. Moving on.

    Next paragraph wasn’t a question for for me but an explanation to me, but I shall respond nonetheless. One: “[T]he Bible on the whole is pretty fucking goofy.”
    I disagree. From what I’ve studied, the Old Testament is the history book of Israel, showing her from Abraham to Rome’s conquest, her glorious heights when they obeyed God and soulcrushing despair when they broke away to follow their own will. Alongside all that are supplementary books like Psalms (poetry toward God), Proverbs (ways on how to live life skilfully), Ecclesiastes (One wise man reflecting on just how bleeding meaningless everything is- seriously, read it sometime, I was shocked when I read such a nihilist hiding in my Bible), and Song of Solomon (if any christian tries to tell you sex is dirty, direct them to Song of Solomon. If they persist, smack them upside the head.) Having said that, if you don’t actually believe in God’s existence, some of it gets pretty surreal, I’ll admit. However, this would be questioning the truthfulness of it, not how comprehensible it is. Also, Jesus said a lot more than a mere “Let’s be nice to each other.” He claimed that he was the one who would singlehandedly save the world from its brokenness (see above), which is a somewhat rarer sermon then “Don’t hurt people.” I might go on, but as you implied, without you at leastaccepting it as possible, it would be a waste of my time to write it and yours to read it.

    Am I minimizing the quantity or influence of the nutters like Chick?
    Hmm… Quite possibly. I was thankfully raised in the kind of church where they encourage reason and logic as gifts from God. As such, I have very little contact with idiots like Chick. It’s entirely possible that there are miniature Jacks running around outside my range of vision, although I did get a similiar branch of idiocy from christian groups at high school.
    However, I doubt even the most intrusive survey could find out exactly how many of them there are out there, so I must assume there more than I think, but hopefully less than you believe.

    Please respond with thoughts, objections, whatever.
    By the by, Lee is my middle name. I’m Eric, but I didn’t want to be confused with the guy who posted before me. If I post again, it will be under that name.


  27. You have to admit that Chick makes Christians look really nuts. If you only go by these tracts you would think we where all paranoid crazes who hate everything seculer in the world.

    I love these. Please keep doing them! This is a lot like MST3K…only without the robots and the Mads. Still, since that show was cancled..

  28. You know, I’ve always thought it was amusing how fundamentalists seem to think that you can do whatever the hell you want, and all you have to say is “Whoops, my bad J. I LOVES YOU JEBUS!!!” and all is right with the world. It’s like saying I can be a completely douchebag, kick your dog, punch your baby in the face, and piss on your mother’s grave, but so long as I say sorry, we’re just peachy keen.

    So then, if it doesn’t matter what you do, just as long as you accept jesus, then why the hell does it matter what you do in life? I suppose Chick’s trying to make a “don’t get caught with your pants down” argument…so remember kids, no matter how insignificant your misdeed was, always say “I LOVES YOU JEBUS! I’M NOT LIKE ONE OF THOSE HICK COUNTRY FOLK CHICK DRAWS!”

    Anyways, first time post…just wanted to say love the dissections.

  29. >> Proverbs (ways on how to live life skilfully), >>

    One thing I’ve noticed about Proverbs: if apply it to your daily life, you’ll get the chicks, because chicks want a boyfriend with a lot of skills.

  30. Eric/Lee;

    I -have- taken a bible lit class. In addition, I’ve taken Systematic Theology, Apologetics, Hermeneutics, Eschatology, New and Old Testament Survey, and a host of other classes on textual criticism and whatnot.

    Thus, from the position of a man who has studied ad still IS studying the source material rigorously, let me say; Christianity is the mortal enemy of reason and morality.

    It advocates punishments far out of proportion to the crime (stoning children for the crime of rebellion, which the bible equates to witchcraft), then claims that the law doesn’t apply in some instances, only to fail to specify just -which- portions we’re exempt from.

    It is a religion that holds a child accountable not for his own actions, but for those of a pair of people from the beginning of the WORLD. It is a faith that claims god is omnipotent and loving, yet claims he for some reason cannot (not omnipotent)/will not (not loving) absolve people of responsibility for SOMEONE ELSE’S MISTAKE how many countless generations later, except if they follow an obscure mystical rite that even the authors of the bible can’t agree on the exact interpretation of. Oh, and he had to hand his own son over to brutal torture to make it happen.

    None of this is “wild interpretation” of a “crazed idiot sect like chick,” this is commentary on the source texts. Codex Vaticanus, Codex Leningrad, Codex Aleppo. This is commentary on the religion’s own writings. So just to be perfectly clear where I stand; Christianity is a religion of death; the death of reason, the death of liberty, the death of personal responsibility, and the death of hope itself.

    And that’s all I have to say about that. I’ll let the dissection stand for itself.

  31. What I have noticed recently is that Chick seems to have a problem with Halloween, Evolution, Generic Anti-Fundamentalist stuff, but he seems ok with having his characters get the Death Penalty. This happened in Fairy Tales also. What an egomanical asshole.

    Thanks for doing these dissections. it really makes a valid argument.

    P.S Man and Dinosaurs coexisting is extreme bullshit

  32. Guy driving tuck looks look those depression era-and before-carictures of black folks-large lips, ape-ish. The two fighting are like the strip showing the couple hitting the priest.

  33. If Jimmy shot the old guy in the course of committing another crime, like robbery, is that first degree murder? Granted most of my “knowledge” of the American legal system comes from reruns of Law & Order and its spinoffs, but, to my understanding, first degree murder is only applicable when the killer plans the killing in advance, as opposed to just blowing the guy away in a fit of anger whilst committing another crime. Someone elaborate on this?

  34. Another great one… all of the mashed potato faces and season-defying trees were priceless, as was the generally faulted ‘moral’ message.

    Sadly, D&D has never statted out Jesus or the generic God of Christianity, even back when they statted the Mythos deities without license.
    Although you can find several fan-made stats of Jesus for nearly every system out there… Hell, here he is in Risus.
    *denotes lack of existence


  35. I had to laugh at the murder victim in the “5 years later” panel. If I ever get shot in the chest at point-blank range like that, I hope I have a more interesting expression on my face than mild alarm. It’s like he just realized he left a pot of rice boiling on the stove and now it’s burning. Shit! Now I gotta soak that pan for HOURS to get the burnt crap off the bottom!

    Wait, would a guy really be sentenced to death that quickly? I mean, murderers spend years, even decades, on death row awaiting their fate as various appeals go on and other delays happen; but the implication here is that this particular murderer was put to death no more than a few days after sentencing. What makes him so special?

    “But there is hope….”

    This random man, who has been nailed to a cross-shaped house support structure, will be pounded repeatedly on the chest with a sledge hammer until he dies, and then tossed into a river by the Mafia purely because they didn’t like the way he looked at them. We have no idea how this will help, but trust us, IT WILL! There were studies and everything!

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