Chick Dissection | Best Friend

Let me tell you about my very best friend! He made everything, and is even getting a big mansion ready for me! His name is Jesus. Written especially for children.

o/` People let me tell you ’bout my best friend,
He’s a vindictive person who’s damned me in the end…
I’ll be gettin’ pitchforks in my rear end,
He’s a jealous insecure guy, sees all I do from in the sky.


“This is my best friend! I plucked out her eyes and mutilated her feet so that she’d ALWAYS be my best friend! In my basement. Forever. Forever.”

“I’ve got a NEW best friend. This swollen goiter jutting out from my jaw!”

“What about you? Are you kidding? I don’t want to even be seen with you. You’ve got that greasy, shaggy hair plastered to your head like sloppy black spaghetti, eyes that look like your optic nerves are lightly exploding, a navel-like mouth of proportions you’d see on a blow-up doll for midgets, and that long, single asscheek. Seriously, what is that bulge in the rear of your pants? Are you trying to pass a soccer ball or something?”

I can’t really place where they’re supposed to be standing. It looks like there’s a giant fingerprint or something in the background. Maybe it’s just raining really hard. Though, is that a waterfall in the background of the first panel? But it’s all so dark and gloomy. Maybe they’re in a cave of some sort. But then, why would there be flowers growing, especially in such ridiculously ground-covering quantities? My guess is that this is The Flower Dimension, where there are flowers stretching to the horizon in every direction, and no sky.

She could be talking about either Jesus or this creepy pedophile down the street with the extremely-well-tended museum of all the little girls he’s killed.

Cat must’ve swallowed an anti-gravity generator or something.

“I don’t care about this new friend of yours,” said the little girl, lustily eying her friend, “just shut up and kiss me.”

I can’t tell if the girl on the left is being intensely smug, or if she’s nervous and creeped out about her friend approaching her with that look in her eyes.

“Oops, look out, stumbling into you, here. Bombs away, cat — there go my flowers! Sorry, I’m a little drunk. …On the Lord.”

I really love the appeals to material wealth, as though the only reason to not be a complete prick to everyone would be if there were unlimited gifts involved as a reward. “He’s going to build me a BEAUTIFUL mansion! You like stuff, right? Would you like some things?” Though, really, if everything is exactly the same, then there’s nothing special about having any of it. What’s the point of a mansion if everyone has a mansion? And why would an incorporeal being need a mansion in the first place? How much room does a soul take up? Can souls even open doors?

Fang! I hope he gnaws that self-satisfied smile right off her face.

Sure, Fang may look all badass, with his saw-tail and, well, fangs, but he’s getting his ass pretty thoroughly kicked by Antigrav Cat.

“Only Jesus could build a mansion.”

Oh, come on. Stop with the birds and the butterflies and the happy anthropomorphic nature. Pretty soon she’s going to break into a song about a goddamn prince or something.

“God also created two planets very near the Earth that were roughly exactly the same size. And a bunch of stars in the immediate vicinity that just seemed like they were very far away. Then gravity fucked the whole thing up because God forgot all about that, and he had to start over again with everything at reasonable distances from each other.”

I dunno, if you look at the picture, here, and compare it to her description, it almost seems like she’s saying the first two people are those planets, and the “garden” is the field of stars around them.

STOP. SMILING. SO. SMUGLY.

DISOBEYED

I like the look on Adam’s face. You can tell he’s totally squeezing a breast, here.

“See this flaming sword? You’re gonna get it right up your asses if you don’t get the fuck out of here. Like this, see?” *prod prod*

You know, this whole story is kind of bullshit, and if taken literally really just illustrates what an enormous asshole moron the fundie version of God is. Okay, he creates these two people who are completely retarded. I mean, he intentionally makes them just supremely ignorant, otherwise the apple would’ve done nothing for them. Then, he puts this tree in the middle of the garden — a tree bearing fruit that infuses the eater with knowledge — and tells them not to eat from it. Then, when they inevitably do because they’re completely stupid and a talking snake coerces them into it, and the tree actually gives them exactly what the snake told them, God condemns the entire race of humans to eternal torment.

a) If he really could see the future, and he really didn’t want them to become intelligent, he wouldn’t have put the tree there in the first place. Free will or not, he didn’t HAVE to put the fucking tree there, and could’ve left it out without interfering with the will of man. b) Why did he create a race of morons that he hoped would never better themselves or advance in any way? What an oppressive fuckstick. c) Why is it “wrong” for these people to better themselves? Isn’t disobeying such an oppressive jerk of a God actually a good thing? If someone told you, “you can’t read books. I don’t have any real reason why, but I say so and I want to arbitrarily limit you, so you can’t do it,” why should you remain illiterate just because they say so? God or not, that’s still a really cruel and oppressive thing to do, and rebellion against that is good. The snake in this story is, to me, the protagonist, and God is the antagonist. I mean, hell, even if the snake was deceitful toward Adam and Eve, well, so was God. At least the snake didn’t oppress them.

Anyway, point is, either God’s an enormous, oppressive dickhead, or he intended for Adam and Eve to eat the fruit from the tree, so that something would happen other than an entire race of people just sitting around on some grass being oblivious dipshits. Extending this idea, then, either original sin is just an extended cruelty on the part of the oppressive fundie God who should be rebelled against anyway, or it’s bullshit and God planned the whole snake thing so that humanity would become more. I mean, why couldn’t God have been the snake, instilling in humanity something that was lacking in its original creation, something it had to figure out for itself: independent thinking? The apple, after all, allowed us to become aware of our own existence.

I mean, I don’t buy into the story, but there are just so, so many other better ways of reading it.

Haha, I love this. A vulture looks on as some lumpy jerk with what appears to be Down Syndrome bonks another lumpy jerk right on the head. This panel, to Jack Chick, represents sin.

So they just happen upon a graveyard at a convenient point in the girl’s story.

Her mouth has gone back to being a navel again. I guess the only time she’s not startled is when she’s coming on to her friend.

What I find amusing about this is, what kinds of “wrong things” could this girl have possibly done? Is God going to send a little girl to hell for being jealous about her friend’s dolly, or for saying “damn” when the cat bit her? If she died right now, would God condemn her to an eternity of urethral prodding with a white-hot sewing needle or having the entire Bible inscribed over her flesh with acid using a tiny brush because she disobeyed her mother?

All the animals apparently really hate Antigrav Cat.

So God won’t let long-haired rocker hippies, little bullies with slingshots, some goofy kid without a shirt who’s apparently really into KISS, skinhead Neo-Nazi Wiccan teenage Moe Howard bonking some kid with a mouse for a hand, and dogs that manically hop up and down into heaven.

Oh, no! Navel-mouth is contagious!

Huh, a cemetery with a swimming pool. With… a shark in it. You know, all cemeteries should double as nature preserves.

The Bible, silly!” Because, y’know, there’s only one holy book. Of course, this is just like the “Jesus who?” thing.

Yes, yes, standard 3:16 fare. But this time with a duck!

Looks like the girl on the right is still trying to squeeze the basketball out of her ass.

Yeah, join the club, kid.

Her hands are about 30% the size they should be. Way to proportion, Jack.

HOLY SHIT LOOK OUT SLIVER STORM!

Wait, the Bible had pictures in it?

See, I like how the whole thing isn’t at all self-evident or self-explanatory, yet according to fundies, God apparently expects people to fully grok and abide by it in order to avoid an eternity of suffering. Seriously, pictures? What the fuck?

So she’s going to use pictures that aren’t in themselves intrinsically explanatory or meaningful and that require a great deal of subjective imposition of meaning to explain text that isn’t in itself intrinsically explanatory or meaningful and that requires a great deal of subjective imposition of meaning. And apparently the latter is so bad with its lacking in intrinsic meaning that it requires the former, which is itself pretty horrible in the same respect. Uh.

Let’s remove the words, and see how much sense the pictures make on their own.

Panel One: Unfinished portrait of a man in a throne on top of some stairs.
Panel Two: A person impales a globe they really love on a pointed fragment of tinted glass. Or, Radioactive Space Giant loves Earth!

God loves everyone! Including Arabs, Rodney Dangerfield, a Secret Service agent, Léon The Professional, Karl Rove, some woman with freakishly enormous eyes, and a crudely-drawn Alfred E. Neuman.

Panel One: Bunch of people standing around. Some kind of group photo? Maybe a diversity convention?
Panel Two: Unfinished portrait of a person very proud of another person. Or maybe a life-sized doll. Painting is from a perspective viewed through a broken tinted glass window. There appears to be a fire, or a fog machine.

Something else I don’t quite get: Even if Jesus was God, doesn’t the fact that he was human, born of a human woman, mean that he’s at least partially subject to the “Original Sin” thing? Let’s go back to panel seven, in the graveyard, where the little girl informs her friend that “God said sin would bring death and since Adam and Eve sinned, they HAD TO DIE”, with the Romans quote about “the wages of sin is death”. So, if Jesus was God and didn’t sin, then he couldn’t die, because death is only the result of sin, right? Yet, in the story in the Bible, he was crucified and died. But he wouldn’t have been able to die if he wasn’t subject to “Original Sin”, meaning God must’ve bent these arbitrary rules to allow it to happen anyway. But then, if God can make it so that Jesus was able to die even without him being subject to “Original Sin”, then why couldn’t he make it so that humans weren’t able to die, even though they were subject to “Original Sin”? Why all this complicated symbolism? Why not just do the reverse of the whole Jesus thing and remove the “Original Sin” status from humans?

Panel One: A woman had a baby, and presumably another one, and they later were happy to see some other man, presumably their father?
Panel Two: Lower-case ‘t’ looked down from the hillside, mocking the all the people of the land by holding up his latest victim like a pathetic and lifeless puppet. A bolt of lightning appropriately accompanied the scene.

Panel One: “Hey you! Wing guy! [toss] Take this enormous goddamned rock the hell out of my cave!” Or, “This rock you brought me is WAY too big. I asked for one about like this, see? This big.”

“HURMPH HOMPH OH GOD HOMPH I FOUND THIS REESE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUP ON THE GROUND HOMPH HURMPH I JUST HAD TO FALL ON MY KNEES AND STUFF IT INTO MY FAT MOUTH ON THE SPOT HOMPH HURMPH”

The “in hell” seems like an afterthought.

Panel One: Guy with wings stands on a block in the middle of a sea of sand and leaves.
Panel Two: Another unfinished portrait of the guy on the chair at the top of the stairs. He doesn’t have a face or anything. There’s a beam running through, and… what appear to be a bunch of enormous potatoes. Perhaps a different attempt at the same portrait, but with a different angle and a bit of a surrealist approach?

I’m just picturing Jesus up in heaven, dressed in mortar-stained overalls, sweat pouring down his cheeks, laying brick after brick. A voice crackles over his walkie-talkie: “Jesus, we’ve got three more.” Jesus grumbles a little and wipes sweat from his brow, leaving a streak of mortar in the wake of his workman’s glove. He’s nearly done with the foundation — after this, he’ll start turning the stacks of wood around the lot into floors and walls. “Me-dammit,” he mutters, looking at the empty lot across the street. “I died for this?” An enormous backhoe comes rolling down the street, stops in the lot and starts digging the hole for the foundation of the mansion Jesus will have to start building after he’s finished with the one he’s working on right now. “I should’ve never taken up carpentry.”

I’m picturing her delivering the “Oh my, YES” in an impersonation of the Professor from Futurama.

“MUNCH CHOMP MMM THESE FLOWERS ARE DELICIOUS CHOMP MUNCH”

“Tee-hee… when Jesus came into my heart, I think he got a little in my hair.”

“My sins are gone, and my navel mouth has been healed! It’s turned into a continuous smug grin, just like yours, Suzie!”

I think that squirrel just tried to defecate onto Fang.

AWWWWWW! HOW SWEET!11!1!!11!!ONEONETWOSIETEEXCLAMATIONPOINTBUTTER!11!1

Jesus gets another message over his walkie-talkie. “There’s been a bit of a complication with the layout.” Jesus’ shoulders slump. “Oh, son of a… FINE, I’ll tear this one down and rebuild it down the street. Just… do you have any idea how hard this all is with these holes in my hands? Just… agh. Fine. Fine, fine, fine.” He sighs and gives a very wide-armed shrug.

60 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Best Friend”

  1. You, good sir, are frickin’ genius.

    I think Chick has decided to insert his self-important “Chick tracts save souls!” shite into this tract, but just a little more subtley than usual.

    Seriously, if you look at the “I’ll show it to you in pictures” panel, and the panel after that, you could almost insert your own panel inbetween, in which the girl says “have you heard of a chich tract known as One Way?”

    Superdog Fang vs. Antigrav Cat! Coming soon from Marvel!

  2. Tears are streaming down my face. You keep getting better and better. You are making us addicts.
    I wonder if all of these mansions are going to have “cement ponds” too. I like Chick’s line of thinking, if you can’t get ’em with morals, appeal to their materialistic side….mansions….who wouldn’t want a mansion built by Jesus! Imagine the property value. Wow.
    Also, does Chick have something against critters? He seems to have them constantly after each other in evil ways. I wonder if they are all going to hell too….he should have a tract dedicated just to them out of furry little love.
    Oh, I hope so much that Chick keeps writing and illustrating these things so you can rip ’em apart and keep us laughing.
    Great job again! Where do you come up with this stuff?

  3. “…skinhead Neo-Nazi Wiccan teenage Moe Howard bonking some kid with a mouse for a hand…”

    This one is great, as always, and the non-fundie interpretation of the Fall was a nice touch, but I’m afraid I must correct one detail here. Wiccans use the pentagram, as it represents the human will transcending the physical elements. That boy has an inverted pentagram, which is used by devil-worshippers because they think it looks cool, and by Satanists to represent their five points of societal beliefs (taxation of churches, stratification, etc.). I know Chick has no clue, but just thought you might want to know. Most Wiccans are as ignorant about Satanism as everyone else, so they don’t take kindly to people getting the symbols mixed up.

  4. The second last panel…
    Seriously, underage lesbian love affair or something? Without the words it’s just a creepy whispering scene./

  5. you said that there’s a lot of ways to interpret the story of the garden of eden. I, personally like the zacharias sitchin interpretation:

    Aliens came to earth, and using apes as thier starting point, biologically a race of worker creatures to mine the earth of it’s gold. The aliens wanted the gold because of it’s conductive properties, and it’s usefulness in electronics. One day, one of the worker creatures, which like all the worker creatures was a mule, in capable of reproduction, discovered the means by which it could allow the others of it’s species greater intelligence and the ability to reproduce, and somehow tampered with the alien’s worker creation. The aliens were pissed, and told the new and improved creatures that they were horrible beings.

    it’s not the most perfect explanation, it has holes in it, but it makes a lot more sense than the fundie interpretation i think. It’s probably not what really happened, but it’s alot more entertaining than that version.

  6. I totally agree with Jabberwock’s view on Adam/Eve/God and how
    bizarre the entire story is. Come to think of it, there are many stories in the bible that cause one to think that God is more scary than anything. He took human form as Jesus so he walked the earth for years bearing the “original sin” of being human as he wasn’t baptized until he was in his 20’s. In most religions, babies are baptized as soon as possible after birth so they are “cleansed” of the original sin and in the event of an early death, they will go to heaven. The story of Adam/Eve and Cain/Abel well it is all far-fetched, as Jabberwock said, if God is all-knowing and all-seeing, wouldn’t he have seen all of that business ahead of time? He would have known man and woman would have sinned against him, that they would bear a child who would commit murder out of jealousy. The bible is full of tests such as “if you truly believe, kill your child to prove your faith.” Isn’t life difficult enough to get through at times without these extra “tests” to see if you are a true believer? Wouldn’t God know if you were or not without these little tests? The entire concept is just weird and scary. If I were told to kill my child(ren) for a test, I would fall on the knife myself because I would die for my child(ren). Then, that would be a sin because it is suicide. What the fuck is up with that?!

  7. I sorta thought of the Garden of Eden thing as some sort of bizarre puberty symbolism. But then I’m currently a teenager, so …

    It’s kinda sick that they’re marketing this stuff to little kids. The least they could do is give the kids decent artwork to look at with the creepy mindwashing 😉

  8. Yay for chick tract dissection!

    The idea that little kids could sin is ridiculous. I remember having to go to confession when I was eight, and the biggest sin I could think of was the time when I had made a clearly sarcastic and empty threat the previous year to disembowel somebody else. Even the priest was like, “You call that a sin? Come on! I just got through molesting that kid who was in the booth before you!”

    Oh, by the way, Jack Chick has a blacked-up version of this tract with Black Jesus and two little girls who are black, and Black Adam and Black Eve and…you get the point. It’s called Soul Sisters (gigglesnort).

    http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1105/1105_01.asp

  9. In the penultimate frame, letting Jesus come into her heart apparently swelled her face to monstrous proportions.

    Seriously. Compare with the frame before it.

  10. This just proves to me that the whole, “apple” scene and “original sin” was just and allegory to sex. Bloody stupid Christians.

  11. I like the idea of “Oh my, YES” delivered as the Professor. In fact, I think Chick should start ALL of his tracts off with the main character announcing, “Good news, everyone! You’re all going to burn in the fiery bowels of hell for eternity!”

  12. Awsome. Just brilliant, no other comment needed.

    Mom said, “Oh, I hope so much that Chick keeps writing and illustrating these things so you can rip ‘em apart and keep us laughing.”
    oh, no need for that. How long has chick been at this, like fourty years? He could stop writting commics today and Jabberwock could still keep it up for the next fourty years (although I don’t know how your mind could take the unparalleled dullness of the constantly repeated storyline. I don’t think my mind could take it.)

  13. Though I agree that Chick’s material has “unparalleled dullness” and a “constantly repeated storyline” it’s not Chick’s material that I find so entertaining. It is Jabberwock’s take on the story and the hideous illustrations that are so amusing. J’s sense of humor and comments made on each tract are outrageous, and, as you said brilliant. I also enjoy the conversations and comments that his dissections generate. What surprises me in Garrett’s comment is that Chick has been doing these tracts for over 40 years. Why? Does anyone actually read this crap and take it seriously? That’s pretty frightening.

  14. Here’s a thought, what if God isnt really a god, so much as just a really advanced alien (or race thereof). If you encountered a being who’s technological advantage was so great that you couldn’t even understand that it WAS technology, wouldn’t you assume it was God? Especially if they kept coming around and telling you to do stuff. What if this was all just someones attempt at creating life from scratch on a planet that didn’t have it? Or, that didn’t have self aware life at any rate. You take the most advanced native life form, fudge the DNA around a bit and BLAM-O! A whole race you can have do whatever you want.

    I wouldn’t be surprised. And it’s at LEAST as plausible as any religion.

  15. In the panel where the second girl gets saved, it looks less like she’s eating the flowers, and more like the stringy-haired girl finally worked up the courage to seduce her friend. You know what I mean. *wink*

  16. That link to Soul Sisters in comment 10 is brilliant. He made blank-face-Jesus black, but couldn’t quite bring himself to make God any darker.

    Assuming it was Chick, that is. The new bits of art look suspiciously good for it to be an original Chick illustration…

  17. Also, the final panels of this strip are screaming out for alternative speech bubble text in order to turn it into a beautiful story of young lesbian love.

  18. A Chick Tract and a Chick Dissection released on the same day. Stars must be perfectly aligned or something!

    Loved this dissection. So when God made the Earth, he placed it next to a giant pair of testicles?

  19. That guy looks more like Fyvush Finkel than Rodney Dangerfield to me. Which fits with Chick’s “OMG-Jews-standing-around-with-their-Jewishness-all-hanging-out” theme a bit more stereotypical manner.

    What the hell is up with all the erotic subtext in this one, anyway? Is this telling us something about Chick’s subconscious? I mean damn.

  20. Seriously, what the hell is it with Jack’s wildlife? You have Mother Duck trying to eat Antigrav Cat’s tail, a diahorretic squirrel trying to shit on said Cat, sharks in a friggin’ pond, and vultures who love to watch Down Syndrome sufferers whacking midgets for sport.

    I hate Chick’s art. In some panels (of any tract) the artwork looks like it was done by H.R. Giger, and in others it looks freakin’ Gothic.

    Speaking of gothic stuff, the angel with the flaming sword reminds me of a generic 40k character (possibly Emperor’s Champion).

    “Roll a D6 for the Angel when in combat. On a result of 4+ Adam and Eve must fall back from Eden by 2D6 inches.”

  21. Oh yeah, Tay, if you read The Nervous Witch carefully, there is what seems to be a subtle reference to a fantasy show with witches (see if you can guess).

  22. I don’t know if anyone else has mentioned this, but especially after the last page of this tract, I thought that pasty-haired navel-mouth carrier was a guy. Two kids getting it on in heaven? Paedophile-Jesus!

    Also, what are they doing at the cemetery’s shark-pond, pre-Christian Tai-Chi?

  23. I’m sure I’ve seen another one exactly like this, but the girl wasn’t a freakish-looking kid with wet hair– she was a pretty little thing with plaits.

    Agree so much on the “mansions” thing. I’ve always thought both of the classic approaches to converting people (Believe in God and you’ll get nice things vs. Believe in God or bad things will happen after you die) leave a lot to be desired. Don’t these people credit others with the intelligence to decide whether to believe in something based on WHAT THAT THING IS, and not the “consequences” of believing or not believing? Do they think that if some fascist dictator shows up tomorrow morning and shouts “Hey, America, believe in the superiority of people with pink hair and the persecution of innocents, and you’ll get free candy!” everyone will go along with it?

  24. Oh, by the way, Jack Chick has a blacked-up version of this tract with Black Jesus and two little girls who are black, and Black Adam and Black Eve and…you get the point. It’s called Soul Sisters (gigglesnort).

    “Soul Sisters”?! Agh, for crying out loud!

  25. The nervous witch, a character named samantha, wasn’t that the name of the witch in bewitched? And uncle bob, is that a reference to that uncle in the show? Was his name also bob?
    I just saw bewitched with nicole kidman and I don’t remember shit.

  26. So we still haven’t yet interpreted the story in pictures:

    1 & 2: Faceless Throne Man impales a globe on glass.

    3 & 4: A crowd of people watch through the broken glass as Faceless Throne Man shows us a smaller faceless man.

    5: A baby is born, grows up a little, then runs with a sibling to Dad.

    6: Meanwhile, on Lightning Hill, “Evil t” watches over his dominion.

    7 & 8: A man with wings delivers the wrong stone and a girl eats from the ground.

    9 & 10: So Wing Man goes and sails the sandy leafy seas on his block, and Faceless Throne Man shows us a beam amongst the potatoes.

    We have to make up a story to fit these pictures! Our souls depend on it! What are we waiting for?

  27. Tay Said:
    Since the last Harry Potter will be out this month, may I suggest this one:

    http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5012/5012_01.asp

    Look up RPG Cliches on Google, and on one of the sites it mentions one of the ‘Cliche Rules’:
    Dark Dungeons Law: At a certain character level in Dungeons & Dragons games, Dungeon Masters begin teaching the players real magic. Unfortunately, no gamer has ever been able to determine which level this would be, and – strangely – the Player’s Handbook and Dungeon Master’s Guide have absolutely no information on the matter. Of course, it has to be at some level, right? After all, the Christian fundamentalists who presented this information would never go against their religion by bearing false witness, would they?

    Jabberwocky, you should be friggin’ commended for this stuff.

  28. Jabs, there are some bloody hilarious parodies out there; google “the good, the band, and the fundie”.

    Some of these tracts are horrible. No, really. I can’t believe they’re marketed for KIDS of all things.
    Personally, I think there’s a God out there, but he’s not the Darth Vader Chick depicts him to be.

    Was all that OT ethnic cleansing true, Jack?
    Yes indeedy! “Kill the Ammonite scum in the name of the Lord!”
    Wow. God said that?
    Yes, I … er, God said that!

  29. HAHA hilarious dissection.

    And “the Nervous Witch” was also hilarious. Anyone else watch “Penn and Teller’s Bullshit”? They did an episode on exorcism, which I was reminded of when “Computer Man” (Bob) exorcised Samantha, most notably the threat “I’ll grab your tongue!”

    I was so excited about the connection to Penn and Teller that I almost forgot to read the rest of the tract.

    HOLY HELL! HARRY POTTER HAS BEEN LEADING KIDS TO WITCHCRAFT! MILLIONS OF THEM? AND ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A BOOK! LIEK ZOMG GUYS OMG I EVEN READ THE BOOKS TOO! IM GONNA DIE!111!!!!1!!11!!oneone!!!god

    Damn, I knew Chick was insane, but does he really think kids believe in the Harry Potter series? And some dude even made a video about it. You can’t even think about taking anything he says anymore seriously, though I think he crossed that line years ago. A part of me just died after reading that tract.

    But your dissection was still as they say “the shit”.

  30. Well, I was poking through Chicks site for a while, and it turns out he does some full length comics in addition to his tracts.

    http://www.chick.com/catalog/comiclist.asp

    Maybe you will want to buy/dissect some of them?
    If not I’ll grab your tongue!

    Today Chick crossed so far over the dude line for me it’s just… dude.

  31. What amazes me the most about all these tracts is that the “unsaved” person never, ever asks questions. They just blindly accept whatever they’re being told as… well, the Word of God, but without any actual evidence or wondering what makes THIS religion right and invalidates all others. If heaven’s going to be filled with people who have no minds or wills of their own, who are easily led into believing any particular thing they’re told by someone who talks with conviction, then I think I may just take a pass.

  32. Well, you have to believe the book of Genesis; it says so in the Bible. Besides, it’s not like you can DISPROVE Creation.

  33. Garrett: thanks for the info. I recently was in NYC and saw a large display of his materials and some people who seemed totally brainwashed by it all. It is pretty frightening. I’m just glad we have Jabber to put it all in the proper perspective by poking amazingly talented fun at it. As others in past comments have said, it’s often rare but wonderful to have something to laugh out loud at. Hope Jabber keeps us entertained as he has been.

  34. the gay thing at the beginning was funny.That reminds me of another tract that would be easy to make fun of.Its aclled “Party Girl” at http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0099/0099_01.asp
    Another gay joke could be made when party girl learns of god’s love from her grandmum and says “I’m ready to do it”.
    Hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  35. There are so many lesbian undertones in this panel. Why did Chick draw it this way if he think gays are the work of the devil?

    I love the Futurama reference

  36. Sorry for coming to the party late, but I stumbled onto these dissections and have stayed up way past my bedtime the last few nights laughing until I can’t breathe.

    On your interpretation of the Snake as the hero: I’m surprised nobody brought up the Gnostic sects called Ophites. Like Gnostics in general, they believe the being that calls itself “God” is in fact a tyrannical Demiurge
    (ph33r my hyperlinking skillz) impersonating the actual Creator.

  37. This is a little off base, but whenever the story of Adam and Eve is mentioned (in a Chick Tract or elsewhere) I think of that Simpsons episode when the family each find themselves in a dream based on a Bible tale. My favorite is the first one when Marge is Eve and she’s in the Garden of Eden with Adam (aka Homer). They are watched over by God (Ned Flanders) and, much to Homer/Adam’s delight, pork is kosher (and pulled from a very willing pig).

    Anyway the snake offer’s them the apple (“God’s secret stash”), and Adam/Homer immediately starts chowing down.

    Eve/Marge: I can’t believe you ate the apple when God said not to!
    Adam/Homer: You know, you’re pretty uptight for a naked chick! I know what would loosen you up, some nice fresh fruit.
    Eve/Marge: Well, it is a sin to waste food. (takes a bite) Mmm, this will really liven up the pies I’ve been baking.

    This eppie (one of my all-time favorites) also features Homer as King Solomon, presiding over a Jerusalem-style People’s Court (“Next up, Jesus vs. Checker Chariot”), Lisa & Milhouse as Miriam & Moses, and Bart as King David going up against Goliath’s son (Nelson Muntz). Finally the family finds itself in the Apocalypse.

    Marge: Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?
    Bart: Not anymore!

    A little off topic, but I just had to post on it.

  38. Too much blabbity-blah in this one for my linking, but I just love the “Let me show it to you in picture, okay?” pannel.

    Duuuuuuh, I dun get it. I wanna see a pic-ture. I wanna see a mooooo-vie.

  39. Yeah, like these two numbskulls are still going to be friends by the time they’re older. BFF’s never last, let me tell you something. Not in my experience anyway.

  40. Whoah. Did anyone else notice Peter friggin’ Rabbit in panel 11? Far left, bottom corner, below the man with a bird hat. Please tell me he’s ripping off legitimate children’s book characters, and that someone is willing to frivolously sue him for such a gross indecency.

  41. WALKIE-TALKIE: Hey, that one you’ve almost got done? He’s a Subgenius now; we’ll have to cancel his project.
    JESUS: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-…

  42. “Cat must’ve swallowed an anti-gravity generator or something.”

    What? never heard of the “Toast cat theory?”

    http://www.chaosfactor.org/images/CatToast.jpg

    Basicly its like this: Toast will ALWAYS fall on the floor on the side with butter on it.
    Cats will always fall onto the floor on their feet.

    Put toast on cat, with butter side up, you get antigrav cat.

    though I don’t see the toast on the cat… meaning he probably ate it…

    … which probably means he should have instead created a wormhole out of this tract.

  43. I really want to meet a fundy and just act EXACTLY like one of these convertees, just to see their reaction…

    “Who’s Jesus?”
    “God sees everything? But I’ve done terrible things!”
    “There IS a way to heaven? What do I have to do?”

    Then, when I fall to the ground, ready to cleanse my soul, I’d top it all off with….

    “OOOOM NOMONONOMOMON NOM NOM NOMN OM OMNNOM CHOCOLATE ON THE FLOOOR JESUS ROCKS OMN OM N OM NNN OMN”

    Oh the lolarity!

  44. I agree with you about cemeteries doubling as nature preserves. Why not? Otherwise, it is just wasted space, as far as I’m concerned. Golf courses, too. Golf games will be much more interesting when bears, wolves, and antelope are allowed to wander around on them.

    What’s with the (o) mouths? They always look as if they are speaking through puckered lips. :o/

    I love all the random, silly shit that goes on in the background of these tracts. Cats and dogs chasing each other, angry ducks flapping around, mice and birds and squirrels randomly mucking about…. That stuff is more interesting than what those two stupid girls are doing.

    Speaking of which, how many children EVER talk like this when they are playing amongst themselves? I don’t recall ever having a single religion-based conversation when I was seven years old, which I guess is the approximate age of these kids. Even in my teens, it wasn’t something that came up in casual conversation. Jack is crack-high if he thinks that even the most Fundy of Christian kids talk the way kids do in these tracts. At most, they might say, “Hey, Tina, wanna come to church with me on Sunday? We’re having Ice Cream Day!” or whatever.

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