Let me tell you about my very best friend! He made everything, and is even getting a big mansion ready for me! His name is Jesus. Written especially for children.
o/` People let me tell you ’bout my best friend,
He’s a vindictive person who’s damned me in the end…
I’ll be gettin’ pitchforks in my rear end,
He’s a jealous insecure guy, sees all I do from in the sky.
“This is my best friend! I plucked out her eyes and mutilated her feet so that she’d ALWAYS be my best friend! In my basement. Forever. Forever.”
“I’ve got a NEW best friend. This swollen goiter jutting out from my jaw!”
“What about you? Are you kidding? I don’t want to even be seen with you. You’ve got that greasy, shaggy hair plastered to your head like sloppy black spaghetti, eyes that look like your optic nerves are lightly exploding, a navel-like mouth of proportions you’d see on a blow-up doll for midgets, and that long, single asscheek. Seriously, what is that bulge in the rear of your pants? Are you trying to pass a soccer ball or something?”
I can’t really place where they’re supposed to be standing. It looks like there’s a giant fingerprint or something in the background. Maybe it’s just raining really hard. Though, is that a waterfall in the background of the first panel? But it’s all so dark and gloomy. Maybe they’re in a cave of some sort. But then, why would there be flowers growing, especially in such ridiculously ground-covering quantities? My guess is that this is The Flower Dimension, where there are flowers stretching to the horizon in every direction, and no sky.
She could be talking about either Jesus or this creepy pedophile down the street with the extremely-well-tended museum of all the little girls he’s killed.
Cat must’ve swallowed an anti-gravity generator or something.
“I don’t care about this new friend of yours,” said the little girl, lustily eying her friend, “just shut up and kiss me.”
I can’t tell if the girl on the left is being intensely smug, or if she’s nervous and creeped out about her friend approaching her with that look in her eyes.
“Oops, look out, stumbling into you, here. Bombs away, cat — there go my flowers! Sorry, I’m a little drunk. …On the Lord.”
I really love the appeals to material wealth, as though the only reason to not be a complete prick to everyone would be if there were unlimited gifts involved as a reward. “He’s going to build me a BEAUTIFUL mansion! You like stuff, right? Would you like some things?” Though, really, if everything is exactly the same, then there’s nothing special about having any of it. What’s the point of a mansion if everyone has a mansion? And why would an incorporeal being need a mansion in the first place? How much room does a soul take up? Can souls even open doors?
Fang! I hope he gnaws that self-satisfied smile right off her face.
Sure, Fang may look all badass, with his saw-tail and, well, fangs, but he’s getting his ass pretty thoroughly kicked by Antigrav Cat.
“Only Jesus could build a mansion.”
Oh, come on. Stop with the birds and the butterflies and the happy anthropomorphic nature. Pretty soon she’s going to break into a song about a goddamn prince or something.
“God also created two planets very near the Earth that were roughly exactly the same size. And a bunch of stars in the immediate vicinity that just seemed like they were very far away. Then gravity fucked the whole thing up because God forgot all about that, and he had to start over again with everything at reasonable distances from each other.”
I dunno, if you look at the picture, here, and compare it to her description, it almost seems like she’s saying the first two people are those planets, and the “garden” is the field of stars around them.
STOP. SMILING. SO. SMUGLY.
I like the look on Adam’s face. You can tell he’s totally squeezing a breast, here.
“See this flaming sword? You’re gonna get it right up your asses if you don’t get the fuck out of here. Like this, see?” *prod prod*
You know, this whole story is kind of bullshit, and if taken literally really just illustrates what an enormous asshole moron the fundie version of God is. Okay, he creates these two people who are completely retarded. I mean, he intentionally makes them just supremely ignorant, otherwise the apple would’ve done nothing for them. Then, he puts this tree in the middle of the garden — a tree bearing fruit that infuses the eater with knowledge — and tells them not to eat from it. Then, when they inevitably do because they’re completely stupid and a talking snake coerces them into it, and the tree actually gives them exactly what the snake told them, God condemns the entire race of humans to eternal torment.
a) If he really could see the future, and he really didn’t want them to become intelligent, he wouldn’t have put the tree there in the first place. Free will or not, he didn’t HAVE to put the fucking tree there, and could’ve left it out without interfering with the will of man. b) Why did he create a race of morons that he hoped would never better themselves or advance in any way? What an oppressive fuckstick. c) Why is it “wrong” for these people to better themselves? Isn’t disobeying such an oppressive jerk of a God actually a good thing? If someone told you, “you can’t read books. I don’t have any real reason why, but I say so and I want to arbitrarily limit you, so you can’t do it,” why should you remain illiterate just because they say so? God or not, that’s still a really cruel and oppressive thing to do, and rebellion against that is good. The snake in this story is, to me, the protagonist, and God is the antagonist. I mean, hell, even if the snake was deceitful toward Adam and Eve, well, so was God. At least the snake didn’t oppress them.
Anyway, point is, either God’s an enormous, oppressive dickhead, or he intended for Adam and Eve to eat the fruit from the tree, so that something would happen other than an entire race of people just sitting around on some grass being oblivious dipshits. Extending this idea, then, either original sin is just an extended cruelty on the part of the oppressive fundie God who should be rebelled against anyway, or it’s bullshit and God planned the whole snake thing so that humanity would become more. I mean, why couldn’t God have been the snake, instilling in humanity something that was lacking in its original creation, something it had to figure out for itself: independent thinking? The apple, after all, allowed us to become aware of our own existence.
I mean, I don’t buy into the story, but there are just so, so many other better ways of reading it.
Haha, I love this. A vulture looks on as some lumpy jerk with what appears to be Down Syndrome bonks another lumpy jerk right on the head. This panel, to Jack Chick, represents sin.
So they just happen upon a graveyard at a convenient point in the girl’s story.
Her mouth has gone back to being a navel again. I guess the only time she’s not startled is when she’s coming on to her friend.
What I find amusing about this is, what kinds of “wrong things” could this girl have possibly done? Is God going to send a little girl to hell for being jealous about her friend’s dolly, or for saying “damn” when the cat bit her? If she died right now, would God condemn her to an eternity of urethral prodding with a white-hot sewing needle or having the entire Bible inscribed over her flesh with acid using a tiny brush because she disobeyed her mother?
All the animals apparently really hate Antigrav Cat.
So God won’t let long-haired rocker hippies, little bullies with slingshots, some goofy kid without a shirt who’s apparently really into KISS, skinhead Neo-Nazi Wiccan teenage Moe Howard bonking some kid with a mouse for a hand, and dogs that manically hop up and down into heaven.
Oh, no! Navel-mouth is contagious!
Huh, a cemetery with a swimming pool. With… a shark in it. You know, all cemeteries should double as nature preserves.
“The Bible, silly!” Because, y’know, there’s only one holy book. Of course, this is just like the “Jesus who?” thing.
Yes, yes, standard 3:16 fare. But this time with a duck!
Looks like the girl on the right is still trying to squeeze the basketball out of her ass.
Yeah, join the club, kid.
Her hands are about 30% the size they should be. Way to proportion, Jack.
HOLY SHIT LOOK OUT SLIVER STORM!
Wait, the Bible had pictures in it?
See, I like how the whole thing isn’t at all self-evident or self-explanatory, yet according to fundies, God apparently expects people to fully grok and abide by it in order to avoid an eternity of suffering. Seriously, pictures? What the fuck?
So she’s going to use pictures that aren’t in themselves intrinsically explanatory or meaningful and that require a great deal of subjective imposition of meaning to explain text that isn’t in itself intrinsically explanatory or meaningful and that requires a great deal of subjective imposition of meaning. And apparently the latter is so bad with its lacking in intrinsic meaning that it requires the former, which is itself pretty horrible in the same respect. Uh.
Let’s remove the words, and see how much sense the pictures make on their own.
Panel One: Unfinished portrait of a man in a throne on top of some stairs.
Panel Two: A person impales a globe they really love on a pointed fragment of tinted glass. Or, Radioactive Space Giant loves Earth!
God loves everyone! Including Arabs, Rodney Dangerfield, a Secret Service agent, Léon The Professional, Karl Rove, some woman with freakishly enormous eyes, and a crudely-drawn Alfred E. Neuman.
Panel One: Bunch of people standing around. Some kind of group photo? Maybe a diversity convention?
Panel Two: Unfinished portrait of a person very proud of another person. Or maybe a life-sized doll. Painting is from a perspective viewed through a broken tinted glass window. There appears to be a fire, or a fog machine.
Something else I don’t quite get: Even if Jesus was God, doesn’t the fact that he was human, born of a human woman, mean that he’s at least partially subject to the “Original Sin” thing? Let’s go back to panel seven, in the graveyard, where the little girl informs her friend that “God said sin would bring death and since Adam and Eve sinned, they HAD TO DIE”, with the Romans quote about “the wages of sin is death”. So, if Jesus was God and didn’t sin, then he couldn’t die, because death is only the result of sin, right? Yet, in the story in the Bible, he was crucified and died. But he wouldn’t have been able to die if he wasn’t subject to “Original Sin”, meaning God must’ve bent these arbitrary rules to allow it to happen anyway. But then, if God can make it so that Jesus was able to die even without him being subject to “Original Sin”, then why couldn’t he make it so that humans weren’t able to die, even though they were subject to “Original Sin”? Why all this complicated symbolism? Why not just do the reverse of the whole Jesus thing and remove the “Original Sin” status from humans?
Panel One: A woman had a baby, and presumably another one, and they later were happy to see some other man, presumably their father?
Panel Two: Lower-case ‘t’ looked down from the hillside, mocking the all the people of the land by holding up his latest victim like a pathetic and lifeless puppet. A bolt of lightning appropriately accompanied the scene.
Panel One: “Hey you! Wing guy! [toss] Take this enormous goddamned rock the hell out of my cave!” Or, “This rock you brought me is WAY too big. I asked for one about like this, see? This big.”
“HURMPH HOMPH OH GOD HOMPH I FOUND THIS REESE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUP ON THE GROUND HOMPH HURMPH I JUST HAD TO FALL ON MY KNEES AND STUFF IT INTO MY FAT MOUTH ON THE SPOT HOMPH HURMPH”
The “in hell” seems like an afterthought.
Panel One: Guy with wings stands on a block in the middle of a sea of sand and leaves.
Panel Two: Another unfinished portrait of the guy on the chair at the top of the stairs. He doesn’t have a face or anything. There’s a beam running through, and… what appear to be a bunch of enormous potatoes. Perhaps a different attempt at the same portrait, but with a different angle and a bit of a surrealist approach?
I’m just picturing Jesus up in heaven, dressed in mortar-stained overalls, sweat pouring down his cheeks, laying brick after brick. A voice crackles over his walkie-talkie: “Jesus, we’ve got three more.” Jesus grumbles a little and wipes sweat from his brow, leaving a streak of mortar in the wake of his workman’s glove. He’s nearly done with the foundation — after this, he’ll start turning the stacks of wood around the lot into floors and walls. “Me-dammit,” he mutters, looking at the empty lot across the street. “I died for this?” An enormous backhoe comes rolling down the street, stops in the lot and starts digging the hole for the foundation of the mansion Jesus will have to start building after he’s finished with the one he’s working on right now. “I should’ve never taken up carpentry.”
I’m picturing her delivering the “Oh my, YES” in an impersonation of the Professor from Futurama.
“MUNCH CHOMP MMM THESE FLOWERS ARE DELICIOUS CHOMP MUNCH”
“Tee-hee… when Jesus came into my heart, I think he got a little in my hair.”
“My sins are gone, and my navel mouth has been healed! It’s turned into a continuous smug grin, just like yours, Suzie!”
I think that squirrel just tried to defecate onto Fang.
AWWWWWW! HOW SWEET!11!1!!11!!ONEONETWOSIETEEXCLAMATIONPOINTBUTTER!11!1
Jesus gets another message over his walkie-talkie. “There’s been a bit of a complication with the layout.” Jesus’ shoulders slump. “Oh, son of a… FINE, I’ll tear this one down and rebuild it down the street. Just… do you have any idea how hard this all is with these holes in my hands? Just… agh. Fine. Fine, fine, fine.” He sighs and gives a very wide-armed shrug.