Chick Dissection | A Demon’s Nightmare (Guest Dissection by Rarend)

What we have here is a guest Chick Dissection from fan Rarend. As in previous guest Dissections, I’ll be adding my own commentary as well, because, well, it’s hard to resist. Think of it as kind of like MST3K, with multiple people doing the mocking.

Instead of italics this time, each paragraph of my added comments will start out with a “J:“.

When a youth finds Christ, he becomes a nightmare for the demons trying to stop him.

Just another tract that tries to make Christianity look like some super cool awesome journey for salvation whilst fighting off the evils of Satan. I suspect. This tract is the only tract I know of that actually breaks the fourth wall. It exaggerates the effectiveness of preaching and just makes no sense to me whatsoever. This is somewhat of a soul-war rip off of Hogan’s Heroes. It also shows how quickly a disease can sweep the globe.


Hey, the red background got ripped. A demon’s nightmare: getting printed on the title page of a Chick Tract.

J: Nah, it’s not ripped. That’s just Demon Jesus.

“Attention units 12-28-65 and 266 I have lost my radio.”

J: I wonder if 12-28-65 is someone’s birthday. In any event, kind of an inconsistent numbering system, what with the dashes and no dashes and all. Might as well throw in some phone numbers, binary code, Planck’s Constant, the Dewey Decimal System…

Once again we see somebody thinking “gulp” instead of saying it. Why in the world is that one demon transparent? It is bad enough that the Enemy is sighted, now he is fading away from the material plane?
What city is this? The skyline consists of only one building and there is nothing to be seen for miles around except a white oblivion. I guess this must be Regina, Saskatchewan.

Where’s the trouble? It must be behind that queer in the suit. What could he be up to now? He is up to walking and whistling! Oh the horror! He kind of reminds me of that demon-in-a-man-suit from “Somebody Goofed”. One and the same?

J: I don’t know what he’s up to now, but he apparently just scored a point in Wii Tennis.

J: “Stand by for action!” Oh, and what an ‘action’ I’m sure it will turn out to be!

J: Oh, there’s Waldo. Finally. I’ve been looking everywhere.

Woah! Hasn’t kid noticed that his friends are demons? Probably not, since he looks blind.

J: Old goat? I thought demons revered goats.

Yes I have head that story. It is called “The Rise of Atheism.”

J: Actually, strangely, I recently read a blog post discussing the apparent increase in secularism in the United States, speculated to be — at least in part — the result of people’s desire to distance themselves from the likes of fundies. If this is the result of such rabid proselytizing, perhaps fundamentalists should take a step back and recognize that they’re actually — at least from their perspective — helping Satan win souls. Then again, rousing such introspection in them would be a feat akin to reaching into a lion’s mouth and tugging out from it completely intact the wildebeest it ate six days ago. Anyway, hard to kill something you can’t even prove exists.

What a great conversation starter. He just sits down and out of the blue he starts talking about religion. “This is a nice spot to sit. Hey! You! Ever hear about that extremely popular Christian story of the crucifixion of Jesus?” You can tell that this tract was written by Chick because the boy listens. In real life he would just point out how strange he is acting. Odds are, in real life, that kid would either already have a religious background or feel threatened by this strange man.

J: Wow, so they’re going to sit around being all passive-aggressive at a couple people who seemingly can’t even hear or see them? What action! Thrill as they mutter under their breath at passersby long after they’ve passed! Find yourself on the edge of your seat when they make concealed obscene gestures when the intended recipient’s head is turned! Daring feats of general unperceived grumpiness!

That is right folks! Every time you see a hot woman, it’s merely Satan and his minions playing a trick on you, because we all know that women are tools of the devil. But seeing as how this kid is blind, I suppose hot ladies would not work on him anyway.

J: Just as there’s no such thing as a secular person, there’s also no such thing as an attractive woman. They’re all either demons, or illusions manifested by demons for the purpose of distraction.

The kid looks frightened in the second panel, probably because the man’s hand just grew to monstrous proportions. And wow, the preacher just made the blind kid see! He’s got the power of Jesus in his hands.

J: “For all have sinned and come short of the– aw, hell, why’d I have to have that ‘Eat Me’ cupcake for lunch?”

Here we see Insta-convert(tm) in action. It is a mind control virus that inhabits your brain, gives you feelings of ecstasy once you accept Christ and turns you into a dull Christian.

J: And Insta-grow(tm), apparently, as well.

“Next time, I want to be the foot rest!”

J: Actually, looks more like: “Fine, fine, get it over with. I should’ve never had this vagina-shaped fistula installed between my lung and armpit. How the hell drunk was I that night, anyway?”

“AIEEEE! I just realized that I have no nipples!” “Don’t worry about it man, we’ll go up this way (points) and get some”

He’s hopelessly lost. That means that there is no way to save him so why bother wasting your time? If he’s hopelessly lost, then he has NO HOPE.

I thought the greatest love story was Romeo and Juliet, the story about how Jesus died is more of a Christian myth. Anyways, if god LOVED me that would make him a homosexual and an adulterer.

J: I always thought the greatest love story was Titanic. *sigh* Ahh, Leonardo DiCaprio.

So these demons are the same ones that helped crucify Jesus? The very same ones out of an entire Hellfull of them? Cool, they must be like, celebrities.

J: I think the implication is supposed to be that all Jews are demons. So, adding them to the list of secular people and attractive women and correcting for overlap, that leaves roughly 2/5 the population as real people.

J: Of course, if the demons incited the mob to crucify Jesus, then, uh… weren’t they doing God’s work? I mean, that kind of needed to happen in order for Jesus to be, y’know… the savior and all? What would have happened had there been — as this Tract states is the cause — no demonic influence among the crowd that crucified Jesus?

How dare that demon say “shut up” instead of @$%!#*! No wonder he’s a demon

Apparently this panel takes place in Hiroshima during 1945. Wait a minute, that kid just surrendered to Jesus just because someone asked him to, so I guess this is somewhere in France.

J: HOLY SHIT, THE DEMONS HAVE THE BOMB! WE MUST PRE-EMPTIVELY INVADE HELL! SMOKING GUN (OR AT LEAST A SPEECH BUBBLE) IN THE FORM OF A MUSHROOM CLOUD! RABBLERABBLERABBLE!

“What will Jesus do with my life if he has it mister awkward preacher?”

J: I don’t know, but I’m guessing you’ll probably want him to have it dry-cleaned before he gives it back.

New insta-convert(tm) the most effective way to recruit Christians! First you spit shit into their ear then they will become Jesus slaves. Just hand them a bible laced with the Insta-convert ™ mind control virus and watch the rest. We will soon see more of the affects this virus has on the victim.

J: “How the fuck do I read a sword? What, s’it got, like, Elven engraved onto it all Lord of the Rings style?”

Now the kid is enjoying a bit of ecstasy from the virus in his brain. That’s a sign that he’s infected.

J: “Something wonderful has happened! I’ve become addicted to the effects of emotional neurochemicals that are produced in my brain from ‘powerful’ sensations like total submission, in much the same way as people can become addicted to the neurochemicals produced during sexual intercourse!”

This would never have happened if only units 12 and 28 had showed up.

New demon: “MY BROTHERS HAVE ESCAPED YOU, er, I mean, YOU’RE TOO LATE, HAHAHAHA!” (if you do not get this refrence, look up Diablo II or Mephisto lord of Hatred).

“Matt 13:18-22? No! In other words, kill him. I said ANYTHING goes.”

That is not a very good demon. He knows exactly what a section in the book of Matthew says and can casually bring it up. Are they not supposed to be bible haters? I mean, does not it make him look like some kind of priest? “Sure chief, I’ll kick his ass just like this section of the bible describes. I’ll even tell you what verses they are in case you want to look it up later.”

J: Nah, the best way to hate something is to become fully familiar with it.

J: I guess Jack didn’t actually want anyone to read the text at the bottom.

The dad is screaming because he just suddenly burst into flame while the kid is wondering how spontaneous combustion is possible.

J: And mom’s having an aneurism. Ooh, and she’s Jane Hathaway! *checks card* I think that’s BINGO.

Stuff like this almost never happens in real life but Chick is trying to make it seem like the norm. I have a creeping suspicion that Jack Chick loves to be persecuted.

J: Wow, a fundamentalist with a martyr complex? How surprising.

His new faith couldn’t ruin their good name socially unless of course this family is living in ancient Rome in which case they should be wearing togas. Well, that woman’s apron looks enough like one.

That woman looks out of place. She belongs in the 60s.

J: Well, this is copyright 1972. Sweet merciful fuck — it’s always a bit of a surprise to think about how long he’s been doing this. Goddamn.

Oh, so the boy is that demon’s brother, I get it now. The mother is angry with him becoming a Christian because her family is composed of demons.

What was that kid doing? Uh oh, was he strangling the snake? It certainly would ruin his trousers.

J: I think he’s pissing the bed from the inside out.

J: …”[P]oor fish”?

Hey! Don’t drink and drive, four-eyes.

J: Simultaneously, no less.

Since this tract obviously is taking place in the days of the Roman Empire, how can there be a car?

J: The Empire Never Ended.

“I’m the Pawty Poopah” -Schwarzenegger, Kindergarten Cop

“WTF? How did all these other people suddenly teleport into our car? There were five of us and now there’s seven.”

J: I think the sign on the right says “Jesus Davis”. I even zoomed in on it — that’s what it says.

“Hey stop it! I can’t see where…” KaSmaSH!!!

J: “HAW HAW HAW GIMME THAT EYE!” *slap, prod* “GIMME!” *grope, glasses-tug, slap, slap* “GIMME THAT EYE!” *slap, slap*

That guy didn’t see where he was going because the girl was covering his eyes and he must have crashed the car through the wall of a very formal business banquet which is the place they are now.

J: You know, if you have to live your life all stick-up-the-ass and oppressive toward all your friends in order to be acceptable in the eyes of the Lord, then I’ll take a one-way ticket for hell, please.

“JESUS this is quite a party” Who the fuck says stuff like that anyway? And the scene depicted is not quite a party either, they’re all wearing suits and have table cloths! What a bunch of momma’s boys. Jack Chick probably went to Jesus Loves You high school and actually attended parties like this. Either that or he is out of touch with reality and hasn’t a clue what real teenage bashes are like.

J: I read it as he meant his lord’s name was “@**!!!*”.

“Sacrilegious!” That’s a very long word. I didn’t think he would be smart enough to use it.

J: If it’s any consolation, he probably stuttered over it about a dozen times, ultimately mispronouncing it completely.

“HAW HAW to you too” Why does the girl to the left have a talking necklace?

J: I think she’s had a tracheotomy and has trained herself to use the hole to speak. Quite a trick, really. I can see why she’s so popular at these ‘parties’.

This teenage party is extraordinarily formal. Obviously Chick has never been to such a party. In any teenage party nobody would wear a suit.

J: Maybe Chick has some rare neurological disorder where he confuses “teenagers” with “Japanese businessmen and temp secretaries just getting out of work”.

“Hey everybody, we’re all a bunch of momma’s boys wearing suits and dresses like a bunch of well scrubbed angels. Lets make fun of the Christian even though some of us probably are also Christian!” Hey, when in Rome…

As you can see, everybody who becomes Christian immediately loses all their friends and are taunted by talking cars as they turn solid black in colour.

J: “Wait, that’s all he told you? Seriously, what the fuck? Okay, here, let me try: James Brolin died for your sins. Look, I’ve changed your life!” “Here, let me have a go: You’re an unclean, filthy thing who will, when you die, be sentenced to an eternity having your flesh shredded and stitched back together, but good news! Eddie Van Halen died for your sins! All you have to do is listen to Eruption once a day, and thou shalt be saved! HAW HAW, it worked! Awesome! We’ll have to do this at ALL our parties!”

What happened to their legs?

J: They became speech bubbles. So in addition to secular people, attractive women, and Jews, speech bubbles are also all demons.

J: So demons… are responsible… for sleepiness?

Either that kid is talking to himself or he acknowledges that there is a demon in bed next to him and is talking to it.

J: “Hey, it’s Sunday! I’d better get to church so I can learn who to hate! I can’t wait to listen to some smug, self-important, bloviating fuckwad rambling on about how much better our way of living is.”

J: I’d like to think the demon on the left in the second panel started out with “There’s a bright golden haze on the meadow / The corn is as high as an elephant’s eye / An’ it looks like it’s climbin’ clear up to the sky.”

Try this church, just make sure it is of the “right” sect. Because God won’t like it if you join the wrong sect (that’s why I’m not Christian).

See how miraculously the Insta-convert(tm) virus removes your connection to reality. You will be able to ignore anything, like a baby clubbing your shoulder with a book.

That woman needs to put that baby to death, just like Leviticus 20:9 tells her to. (Leviticus 20:13 condemns homosexuality. If those fundies want to ban gay marriage, they also must put rebellious kids to death.)

The Insta-convert(tm) virus makes him an emotionless dullard in a suit, now he looks just like the guy who gave him the virus. It’s kind of like the werewolf affect. When someone is bitten by a werewolf they transform into one. When someone is accosted by a Bible-thumper, they transform into one.

Not only does Chick have no idea what real people are like, he also thinks that there would be a film called “The Billion $ Movie”.

J: Oh, yeah, I heard about this one. It’s a special, supposed to come on instead of Generic Sitcom this Weekday, right after News Program.

“I’m going to lean my head in this IED over here and hope it doesn’t go off.”

J: What is that thing, anyway? Some kind of oversized pork roast? A personal-sized keg? A washtub?

Go ahead, go to church, we’re going to watch people groan and scream on TV.

J: “We just love the Yelping Growling Channel.”

“No wait don’t exit through there! That door leads the negative space between the panels!”

J: Man, a Chick Tract is all negative space.

Great, now that demon is sitting on the IED. If it goes off, it will blow him right into the next panel.

“Let’s go inside and talk with the lord, somewhere quiet so I can take advantage of you because you’re just soooo cute”.

J: Yeah, I’m betting “talk with the Lord” is definitely a euphemism for something. Like he dressed his dick up in a little robe and put a wig on it. “Have you ever seen the Lord? Know what he looks like?” “No.” “Good! *zzzzzzip* Well, here he is. Wanna talk to him? He’s a bit hard of hearing, so you have to put your lips really close. Feel free to just talk his ears off, even if he pukes at you.”

That man’s Botox injections clearly didn’t work.

Holy crap that’s a lot of diarrhea.

J: What, you’ve never seen a Chick Tract befo — ohhh, that.

(in a deep and evil voice) “It’s no commercial, it’s the smell of my misty diarrhea shitcloud, HAW HAW”

Looks like Mephisto caught his pals in the middle of African Safari roleplaying. One plays the sexy lion while the other gets to be the scared, horny monkey that tries to hide from the lion.

Hey it’s Chernabog! The demon from Disney’s Fantasia who’s sitting on top of the mountain and conjures ghosts and demons while “A Night on Bald Mountain” plays.

Why underline “your”? I think Chernabog is implying he’s their gay love child. I guess homosexuality is truly of Satan then.

It’s good that he hit the main power line along with the enemy. That means that both he and Jesus have been electrocuted.

J: “But, sir, how could we have missed The Billion $ Movie? It starred Overpaid Actor, and Attractive Actress! You know how much we like them!”

“Gulp, oh noo! To punish us, Chernabog is going to make us dance around on his hand while Night on Bald Mountain plays!”

Oh no! the Insta-convert(tm) virus is spreading at an explosive rate! The kid is spreading the contagious virus to everyone he walks close to and they in turn begin spreading it. Those poor 28 people must be suit-wearing robots by now. I knew that kid was turning into an automated missionary and was spreading the virus, but 28! That insta-convert(tm) is working overtime.

J: Holy shit. Does Chick genuinely believe proselytizing is THAT successful?

Wait, if he was in a prayer meeting, that would mean that the people he was around were already Christian. But they were Christians unaffected by this terrible sickness and the kid brought it among them! Now they have “accepted Christ” by becoming sick with this mind control virus.

It’s still the 1930s in hell because the elevator has an operator.

J: Nah, it’s just someone really, really horny demanding oral sex. Y’know, “love in an elevator” and all that. “Going down please!?”

“Sir, could you please turn back into a silhouette, you looked scarier then.”

“This is CNN (Chernabog’s News Network) today dozens of people who were already Christian were infected by a mind control virus making them infatuated with Christ and thus became acceptable in the eyes of an extremist Christian minority of which the author of this tract is a member.”

J: The guy on the left apparently thinks he’s TV. Or a robot with a picture of Josef Stalin taped to it.

One demon on the elevator gets motion sickness while the one in the suit thinks about random symbols.

“Start digging, we have got to escape this goofy tract!”

I just had a horrible thought: what if all Christians converted to the same sect as the guy who wrote this comic? We wouldn’t have enough time in our whole lives to write Dissections for the Tracts that would be churned out if that happened.

A few years later Insta-convert(tm) virus elevated its status from “outbreak” to “epidemic” when it spread across south Asia. Since this Tract is about an epidemic of Insta-convert(tm) I guess it should be called “Patient Zero” instead of “A Demon’s Nightmare”.

J: How about “Devoutbreak”?

Hey, there is a fourth wall in the direction you are looking and you’re breaking it by speaking to me.

Sure, I will burn this Tract for you. You’d better get out of it while I toss it into the fireplace.

J: At first, I didn’t recognize that as the handle of a shovel, and thought for a moment that he was shaving his nipple. Like, he was sentenced to an eternity of shaving his own nipples or something.

I don’t know who “you know who” is, but the last person I heard referred to by that name was Lord Voldemort, so I guess these people do not want you to join the Death Eaters.

Just think, after you die you will be able to silhouette yourself on a fiery backdrop forever.

J: And apparently surf rolling flames.


Moral of the story? Do not let whistling Christians sit down beside you on a bench because you will transform into a missionary against your will by means of a mind control virus and start a global outbreak of it. Do not let yourself get infected or else you will spend the rest of your life worshiping a creepy giant with a blank face.

J: That, and Jack Chick lives in a fantasy world.

This Tract also had the dumbest ending in the whole wide world. Since Chick believes everyone in the world to be gullible morons who cannot make their own decisions, wouldn’t he think that everyone who read that last bit would listen to it and burn the Tract? But then again, nobody ever accused Jack Chick of being too smart. In the end what I don’t understand is how someone can turn from a blind smoker into a fanatic in less than two minutes of conversation attempts from a fundamentalist (or were-fundamentalist since he transforms others into creatures like himself). The only answer that is possible is that the kid was sickened by a terrible mind-control virus.

This Dissection was brought to you by Insta-convert(tm), “Don’t Ask Questions, Just Listen and Blindly Obey”.

45 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | A Demon’s Nightmare (Guest Dissection by Rarend)”

  1. I’d just like to say that who the FUCK goes up to a person and says” didja ever hear the story about how mankind murdered Jesus?”. I also enjoyed the you-know-who thing, just classic stuff. also, these “demons”seem kinda pussy-ish for their job, i mean, these demons need to be a LITTLE more evil, instead of the 3-stooge types they are. they remind me of pinky and the brain because they allways fail.yet another also, regarding the party scene, when the fuck did he become YOUR lord? he acts like he’s been a christian for years, when it’s more like 6 hours tops! Looking forward to another of your dissections.

  2. Remember the Flight 144 (or whatever the number) where the 2 missionaries went to Hell? Shouldn’t Chick be arguing that our weak-willed hero should be a murderer instead of a missionary? Since missionaries are so damned and ineffectual and all…

    I will soon be meeting my boyfriend’s Southern Baptist grandparents. I just know they’re gonna conversationally ask me (ala the prick in the park with his opening salvo) about my religious leanings. I’d seriously consider replying, “The bad news is I’m going to hell; the good news is that you only have to endure me until then.” except that’d be kind of rude.

    Also, “Say, did you ever hear the story about the time God was murdered by man” sounds like the first line of the worst joke ever. Maybe we should make an actually funny punch line.

  3. I can speak from experience that proselytizing just doesn’t work. In fact I think it has the opposite effect. Every time I have become interested in a religion, the representatives of that faith has actually ended up talking me out of it. I’ve been A Christian, Buddhist, and a Muslim. I believe in God but I am getting to think that organized religion is a bunch of bunk. The biggest problem is that the religion’s followers use the religion to prop up their own fears and prejudices instead of actually following what Jesus, Mohammed, Moses, and Buddha actually taught.

    I’ve read the Gospels and I didn’t find anything remotely resembling Chick’s message in it. I found love God and love others as yourself — nothing about demons tricking people and working in some sort of mine shaft.

    Speaking of mine shafts, do the demons have unions? Hell seems to be run like a factory or at least in this tract. In other tracts its more like a corporate office. Anyway if it’s a factory then the demons should have unions and demand more equitable treatment from the management. Satan owns the means of production but doesn’t do any actual work. Does that seem fair? Demons of the universe unite!

  4. “Doctor! You were right; the symptoms match. It’s insta-convert alright!”
    “Damn! I was afraid of this… Get me a “Bewitched” rerun, STAT!”

  5. Man, Chick is quite a prophet – predicting the rise of Lord Voldemort like 30 years before JKR wrote it and even tried to prevent people to join him from back then.

  6. When the demon’s employ tactic #28, are they trying to distract the kid or the preacher?

  7. I chose Demon’s Nightmare because it is my favorite tract and, in my opinion, one of Jack Chick’s silliest works, and that’s saying a lot. It breaks the fourth wall, it uses the famous line “haw haw” THREE times in one panel, one of the nipple-less demons bursts from the ground and ends up looking like Mephisto, and a demon sits on an object that I still can’t identify(not to mention countless fallacies, but any Chick Tract has a thousand errors in it). This tract isn’t hateful like a lot of Chick’s tracts, it is just plain, downright, pure, stupidity. It is silliness in its purest form.
    I knew I had to punish this silliness and did a dissection, it felt like an obligation. Dissecting it was easy, there was just so much wrong with it… so so much…
    I didn’t intend at first to put it up here, but once I finished it I liked it so much that I contacted Crowley and he helped me put it up. Anyways, what good is punishing it if it doesn’t reach the internet?
    The dissection was aimed mostly at the tract itself, I didn’t bash God all that much. Even with minimal Christian-Bashing there was still plenty of things to laugh at that had little to do with corrupt religious ideals (Eg: The IED). This tract is one of Chick’s “Cartoon Tracts”. Little does he realize how unintentionally funny he’s being. “Say, did you ever hear of the story god about the time murdered by man” Indeed

    And they say Chick Tracts “Get Read”

  8. “Eddie Van Halen died for your sins! All you have to do is listen to Eruption once a day, and thou shalt be saved!”

    Now this is salvation I can get behind!

  9. When is Chick going to get his head out of his ass and realise that there are over 1.7 BILLION Christions in this world and that the U.S is 77% Christian?

  10. Say, did you ever hear of the story about the time God was murdered by man? They caught him in a net and boiled him. The bible says: “ye, and God did taste like chicken”

  11. Ah, but per Chick, most of those 1.7 billion Christians don’t count, as they don’t believe the way he does, and that number no doubt includes – shudder – Roman Catholics.
    Just identifying yourself as a Christian isn’t good enough – you have to believe and behave as the guy in the park and the insta-converted kid. That’s sort of the point of the “sleeping” church that he visited. It wasn’t energized and “bible-believing” the way it should be. Lots of people give lip-service to Jesus (so to speak), but only the true believers who have have “hit the main powerline” go the distance and actually swallow.
    Kate, that is the absolute best response possible.

  12. I don’t know, when I think of demons, the supposed minions of Lucifer, I generally picture something more…intimidating? interesting? evil? cunning? I don’t know, but if these clowns are in charge of eternal torment, I’ll take my chances with them. With these guys, Hell runs along the lines of “Now I’m going to push you until you fall down! HAW HAW Okay, that’s enough for now. Take an hour break or so, there’s a cold Nestea in the back for you.”

    Also, best response for someone asking you to pray (but not in sympathy, just because they’re trying to convert you): put your hands together and close your eyes. After a few seconds, open your eyes and say “It’s not working. You’re still here.”

  13. I also like Leonardo DiCaprio. In fact, I think he is the only man that could make me gay.

    J said, “I think the implication is supposed to be that all Jews are demons.”
    Actually, there is a tract called “Love the Jewish People” and how God still incites his wrath against those who go against Israel. It is pretty warped and I was thinking about trying to do guest commentary on it myself just to write out all of the absurdity. You can find it here: http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1000/1000_01.asp

    You did a good job, pretty funny stuff.

  14. I love how so many of these tracts imply that you can’t possibly live until you “surrender” to Jesus.

    “Yeah, God gave you this great gift; free will, maybe you’ve heard of it? Yeah, uh, he wants that back. Surrender to Jesus!”

  15. Where do you go to meet these proselytisers? Since I left varsity and went to work in an office out of the centre of town I haven’t met one at all. I went back to the campus recently and they were all gone from there too.

    And I haven’t seen a real live paper chick tract in … maybe thirteen years?

    I want to ask a fundy: Did God make Hell? Did He do it lovingly? Why the arse did He do it?

  16. The fundies are always in the tunnel under Times Square when I’m there. And their racks are always low on Chick tracts. I don’t know what percentage of people pick them up for the amusement value.

    Hell is run by TV robots! Awexome!

  17. Hahahaha. Genius, Rarend, genius.
    It’s funny, y’know; fundies always say Satan’s temptations seem attractive, because Satan makes false promises about giving us some of his power(s) and this tract is proof positive – those demons have some pretty tempting powers. Lets face it, who wouldn’t want to have the ability to speak nuclear explosions?

    Chick seems to have this sectarian bias going on pretty well; just what denomination is he part of? Baptists? Lutheran? Anglican? Besides, Rarend, you’re wrong about van Halen; my pastor told me that Ozzy Osbourne is the Messiah; we must listen to Crazy Train once a week, as told to us by His great prophets, Black Sabbath.

    Coming up next on Home Sweet Home: “Dad, are you a Super Saiyan?”

  18. “my pastor told me that Ozzy Osbourne is the Messiah; we must listen to Crazy Train once a week, as told to us by His great prophets, Black Sabbath.”

    Now I’m confused! What’s the One True Path to salvation?

    Better hedge my bets and listen to both of ’em.

  19. This one always cracks me up, esppecially the ‘the big man says the start digging – real fast!’ part.

    ‘The 9 circles of Hell? Nah, we’re at 247 at the moment…to be honest, we’re kinda running out of sins to assign to new levels…’

  20. Where do you go to meet these proselytizers?

    Oh, they’re still around. I’ve been approached at the bus stop twice in the last two weeks. One of them had a very odd approach — started off by raising the “question” of why humans have “wisdom” and animals don’t. This soon moved on to wisdom coming from God, Bible quotes whose relevance was incomprehensible, etc.

    Neither of them had Chick tracts.

  21. Your young man? This gives me a theory.

    All humans are the products of gay demon sex. They must guide their children down the path of free thinking and acceptance, while nosey Christians are trying to lure them into sheepish hate.

    I know I want to be a demon butt baby. Don’t you?

  22. Hmm. Maybe it’s an American thing: I’m in New Zealand (hence the spelling differences) where the fundies seem to have all gone underground. Unless there’s a big Destiny Church rally or something, it’s very difficult to be proselytised at around here.

  23. Hilarious.

    @il-Palazzo: Voldemort is the only true path to salvation!

    You know, I just thought of something… There seems to be a lot of parallels between fundies and Death Eaters. They all go around trying to recruit people and if you don’t agree they won’t be graceful about it. And the guy they serve is an asshole.

    THAT’S why Chick hates Harry Potter! The nagic thing is just a ruse! It all makes sense now!

    By the way, Jack Chick obviously has no idea how teenage parties go since he’s obviously never been to one. When he was a teenager, Chick was probably the biggest party-pooper ever.I can see it now:
    “Hey, do you want to try some beer?”
    “No! Satan condemns it! Satan would love to have your soul so he could torment it forver in hell! You’re lost! The only way to the light is through Jesus! I get ny ‘high’ off Christ’s love! Jesus is ‘cooler’ than any alcohol!”
    “….Last time we invite you to a party.”

  24. I was pissing my pants ate Charismatic Christian Guy’s robed and bearded penus.What’s with Chick,does he think someone like Gullible Young Man wouldn’t have already have been converted by someone else.I mean come on……..Oh crap!!!!!!!!!!!!I got to go watch Generic Sitcom.

  25. “All humans are the products of gay demon sex.”

    Chick knows! He put it right there in the Tract! Digging! Get it? HAW HAW HAW!

  26. I always thought the slogan was “Insta-convert, apply directly to the brain! Insta-convert, apply directly to the brain! Insta-convert, apply directly to the brain!”

    I’ve been approached twice by fundies; once by a student at my college, and once by a guy with a religious stand at a New Jersey flea market. I told the latter I knew about Jesus because I went to a Catholic high school. (Not because I’m religious, but because my parents thought it would be a better environment than a public school.) He told me “That makes no difference!” and proceeded to hand me a tract about Catholics. At least Flea Market Preacher had lots of Chick Tracts available.

    The dissection itself was hilarious. Loved the comments on the “African Safari roleplay” panel.

  27. Stuff like this almost never happens in real life but Chick is trying to make it seem like the norm. I have a creeping suspicion that Jack Chick loves to be persecuted.

    I’ve actually had this happen to me. Sorta.

    Bear in mind I was about ten at the time and the girl down the street got me to convert by telling me a bunch of stories about how Jesus cured people who prayed to him and I was worried about my mentally ill brother, who at the time was getting rather violent.

    Then I went home and my parents went ‘look, this is the same girl who told you to climb on the roof of a stranger’s home because she said the woman inside was related to her and probably in trouble. Use your brain’. And so ended my ten minute stint as a Christian.

  28. Does anyone else think the little demon-things look kinda like Pain and Panic from Disney’s “Hercules”? Making me think … I kinda wish Chick did a tract on how EBIL Disney is. Heard the story about the word “SEX” appearing in a dustcloud on “The Lion King”? (The word in the dustcloud was apparently put there deliberately by the animators, but they claim they meant it to be “SFX”. It just got blurred.) Not to mention the drag act – which also happened in “The Jungle Book” … hmm. Could make quite a case for Disney being Satanic.

    The Harry Potter ref reminds me, have you seen this?
    http://vampirella.gbook.nl/
    You have to scroll down a bit. It was taken from another site (“exposingsatanism.org”) but that site seems to be down.
    Several people have told me that this is actually a joke made by a fan of the books, and it probably is, but I was fooled for a long time because there’s something horribly plausible about it.

  29. SO he has never heard of the story of Jesus but as soon as he is told he is lost, he knows of the word hell and what it applies to?

  30. I the last panel, the demon is not shaving his nipple. In the comment for panel #4, we learned he screamed upon realizing he had no nipples, so now he is using his digging break to crash the 4th wall while _cutting_ a round slice out of his chest, that after cicatrization the scar leaves the impression of a round nipple, at least from a distance.

    Rarend: Cool, good job!
    Jabberwork: Just discovered your site. Been reading all your dissections this week. While I don’t share some of your opinions, I enjoy them all, lots of laughter! Man, please never stop.

    Centauro
    PS: ¿Did you notice what I’ve learned from Chick Tracts?

  31. Anyone else notice that in the prayer meeting “talking with the Lord” scene, the preacher with the huge smile on his face looks like Ted Haggard?

    Point two for the “gay” interpretation…

  32. I always thought that when strange men approach someone in a public park and strike up a conversation, they’re trolling for sex. I guess this is why I don’t get to write the religious tracts.

  33. Actually, strangely, I recently read a blog post discussing the apparent increase in secularism in the United States, speculated to be — at least in part — the result of people’s desire to distance themselves from the likes of fundies.

    I’ll confess right here that the radical, black and white beliefs of various Christian sects have led me to disparage the usefulness of any set denomination or many of the fundamental principles the fundamentalists defend.

  34. I actually did have someone walk up to me and start the whole “have you heard about Jesus blah blah blah.” Of course, since I already AM a Christian my response was to say “Yes” and look at him like he was an idiot. I think I might have suprised him. Guess he read and belived this junk.

  35. My apologies if someone else has mentioned this already, but the “unidentifiable” object that the demon sits on appears to be a footstool.

  36. One minor observation, and forgive me if someone else has pointed this out, but the demon in panel one does actually have a radio: he’s wearing a headset with a microphone.

  37. And I just realized I’ve pointed out two things here. I totally forgot about the footstool thing, and only noticed the headset my second time reading this dissection!

  38. I fell out of my seat at the sight of the mountain of demon diarrhea. I like to imagine the demon on all fours just shat out all that doo-doo along with the angry demon and the television while the cowering demon is clawing at the edge of the panel trying to get away from the horrible stench.

    Who says toilet humor isn’t funny?

  39. Randomly, the little demon at the beginning didn’t lose his radio; he’s wearing a headset with a microphone attached.

  40. Oh yeah, in case anyone’s wonder, Matthew 13, Verses 18-22 is about Jesus explaining his parable about a farmer sowing seeds into the ground and only the seeds that land in soft fertile soil yield food. It’s basically about how unless someone actually tries to understand the word of God (or understand anything in general), they won’t accomplish anything useful. Something that Chick should probably look into.

  41. Demons are supposed to be these horrifying monsters that torture the souls of the dead for all eternity in hideous and agonizing ways, yet Jack portrays them as these goofy cartoon doofuses who can’t do anything right. They couldn’t scare a kitten, let alone a human being; and if they did attempt to torture anyone, they’d probably end up impaling their own feet on a pitchfork or something. There is absolutely nothing in any of these tracts that would persuade me to be afraid of demons–or God, for that matter.

    I mean, what’s God, according to Jack? The creator of the universe, the dude who thundered his anger from the top of a big, fiery, cloud-covered mountain, the guy who rained fire and brimstone upon hapless cities in fits of rage, the being who threatened everyone with doom and destruction for the slightest of infractions…is a faceless, vaguely humanoid blob sitting in a big chair at the top of a flight of stairs. Really, Jack? That’s the best you can do?

  42. Evangelists always make three critical misjudgments:
    1. Non-believers are either completely ignorant of Christianity, or actually do believe in God but hate him because they want to live in sin.
    2. Original sin and salvation are completely logical and immediately believable.
    3. Everyone believes in some sort of afterlife, but doesn’t know how to get there.

    The normal, and rational, response is to question whether the Jesus story is actually true at all, or makes any sense. Evangelism only works on the feeble minded in a society where superstition and spirituality take precedence over critical thinking.

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