Chick Dissection | Wounded Children

Yes, that’s right, folks – the Tract so bad Chick himself recalled it. I’m not sure if I can think of any better an introduction.

Special thanks to Ryan Rinkerman for tracking down the original Tract images.


Oh, God, they really are wounded! The killer left only their heads! It’s only their heads!

THIS IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY, IN THAT I ONCE HEARD ABOUT A GAY GUY WITH AN ABUSIVE DAD

“Don’t get mad, daddy! I’m not doing anything! I was just practicing my mime routine! Look, daddy, I’m trapped in a glass box! See? See, daddy? I’m pressing against the walls with my hands, but I just can’t get out!”

You know, Stacy Keach gets typecast as angry, patriarchal father figures too often. Er… is that an empty holster hanging from his belt?

So he’s told him, “to stay out of my office” a hundred times, “to” included? “Son, to stay out of my office!” I don’t get the colon, here. (And apparently neither does Jack. *rimshot*)

Then again, I never really did understand this expression. What does it even mean? “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times.” Are we just to assume that you have, in fact, told someone this once before? If so, why are we taking it as understood, then, that having told someone something once before, you’ve effectively told them a hundred times? Someone thinks perhaps a little too highly of the effect of their words on other people. Further, how does this relate to other expressions involving certain quantities of event instances, like “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”? By fooling me once, then saying “if I fooled you once, I fooled you a hundred times,” could you be fooling me a hundred times, thus invoking 99 times the shame upon me?

I’m curious about this whole “Pest, Proverbs 11:29a” thing, but I’m afraid it might end up being the script for that shitty John Leguizamo movie. (Actually, it’s just something with only a vague relation to the word “pest”: “He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.” Yeah, I don’t get the significance, here, either.)

Oh, and by the way, while I’m at it, since this thing seems so fucking littered with passages from the Bible with only the vaguest relations to dialog, here’s Ephesians 6:4:

4: And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Yeah, ’cause the Lord isn’t wrathful or anything.

I’d like to think that the last two lines in the bottom right corner are completely unrelated, and that the first is an expression of appreciation for the aesthetically pleasing physical appearance of his friend. “Looks like you’ve been moisturizing. Any corn on the cob left?”

“Honey, I’m gonna have a barbecue with a few of my friends. You should invite that friend of yours. You know, Cthulhu. Edith Cthulhu.”

Good lord! Porno! How DARE people have the sexual needs and drives that God created within them?

“I’M GOING TO CONSUME YOUR SOUL *SLURKPLURPA PLURPL SPLURPLURLP* Er, I mean, uh, SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?”

Galatians 6:7:

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

So… by putting porn in his office drawer… it’ll grow… more porn? I guess?

Look at the attention to detail… such lovingly-crafted slabs of man-muscle. But why does he only become translucent in the parts overlapping David?

Uh, mister demon? It might be more effective if you said things out loud, into his ear, instead of just thinking them out of yours.

HAW HAW HAW! Did you hear the one about the traveling salesman? HAW HAW, okay, so the traveling salesman walks into a bar with a bishop, a priest, and a Rabbi. Three weeks later, he was found bludgeoned to death in the basement of a house on his sales route! HAW HAW HAW!

Gah, what’s wrong with his head? Apparently when you lose your innocence, your face implodes.

In the first three panels of this fucking thing, he’s gone from looking like he’s fourteen to looking like he’s eight, then up to twelve, then down to six. How the hell old is he supposed to be?

The role of “Demon” in the panel on the right will be played tonight by Johnny Depp.

If not for this single incident, David would grow up to be entirely devoid of sexual interests and desires, completely sexually unmoved by the idea of intercourse, just like God intended.

Awwww, little David! Jack’s patronizing description is just totally making me care about this character. Like, he just seems so helpless — a poor little child I should be giving a shit about.

Wow, one day of demonic possession and he’s already able to swivel his neck about 110 degrees from forward.

Anything sexual is UNHEALTHY and AWFUL. Be ASHAMED of yourself for having a set of functioning organs in your body. Fundamentalists lose both ways on this one, by the way: If there is a God, and if he created functioning genitalia and such an intense drive to use them, then he’s a twisted, cruel little fuckwad if he demands people resist any attempt at doing anything with them. It’s like telling people “okay, don’t use your spleen or you’re damned!” or “if you use that saliva for anything but swallowing food, you’ll roast in hell forever!” and is a demand that really ought to be disobeyed, as this petty, sadistic little shit of a God is totally unworthy of anyone’s adoration. On the other hand, if God doesn’t exist, or if he’s intelligent enough to have just created a self-sufficient universe complete with evolution*, then being ashamed of sex is just silly and totally arbitrary and unnecessary.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, any sexual desires are the result of demons. There’s no such thing as neurological and physiological chemistry. Nope, it’s all demons whispering subliminal messages into little kids’ heads.

Now that cloning is possible, should we be ashamed of generating any cells at all, since the nuclei can apparently be used in the process? Why only be ashamed of sperm and eggs?

* If you want to really piss off a fundie, tell them the only way Intelligent Design could be at all Intelligent would be if it were evolution. A stupid God would create a universe that required his constant attention and micro-managing intervention. An intelligent one would make it self-sufficient. Thus, the only Intelligent Design is evolution.

Ahhh, he’s ten. Actually, if you take the averages of my four guesses two panels ago, that’s what you get, so I guess the depiction is roughly accurate.

OH NO! HE MANUALLY OPERATED ONE OF HIS WORKING BODILY ORGANS!

If the extent of his sexual activity thus far has been masturbation and sexual fantasy, what the fuck did he need her around for?

So here’s Matthew 10:25-27:

25: It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household?
26: Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known.
27: What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon the housetops.

What does ANY of that have to do with what’s going on in this panel? Would you give it up already with the shoehorned-in Biblical references, Jack?

Yeah, that’s what being gay is — you’re a (gender typically associated with the genitals you do not physically possess) inside of (whichever gender is typically associated with your genitals). It’s that simple!

Wait, so if demonic influence and “mind control” is responsible for enforcing gender roles and belittling homosexuality, then are all fundamentalists being influenced by demons? Oops! Unintentional undermining of the entire fundamentalist perspective on homosexuality, implying demonic influence in all homophobic and gender-enforcing Christians: Lose 10 Jesus points!

All gay men played with dolls growing up. Because all gay men, as previously mentioned, are really just women with penises. But wait! Then how do you explain gay men being really masculine? If they’re just women inside — as has been implied — then… I… just… *head explodes*

I had no idea homosexuals had “ranks“. Is it number-based, or more military? “I’m a level five homo!” Or maybe like, “Okay, Billy, Olivia here outdid you in gayitude yesterday by doing two women at once. That means you’ve slipped from 52,817 to 52,818. And Eric, I heard you were slightly aroused by a woman last night, so you’ve dropped to 188,412. Try harder, people!”

Put this one in a circle, add the word “pasghetti” somewhere, and you’re halfway on your way to Family Circus.

SISSY! SPACEK!

“But… but… but… homosexuality IS treatable, if you’d just TRY, doctor! I know it is! I don’t have any experience, and my only real understanding is just my intuition that it’s ‘icky’, and all this unfounded stuff religious people tell me, but I’m a mother and I know. I mean, you’ve been able to convince straight men to stop being sexually aroused by women, right?”

Eye makeup? You sure he’s not just emo?

At first glance, I almost thought she said “…take him fisting” in the second panel, which is a subtle alteration that could make this whole thing so much more fun and interesting.

For tonight’s performance, the role of David in this panel will be played by Ed Norton.

MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND ALREADY. Is the father’s anti-gay, “homosexuality is caused by parents” attitude demonic behavior or not?

“Doesn’t anybody understand? I’ve got to get out of here,” thought dad’s hand, desperate to somehow detach itself from this entire ridiculous, bigoted ordeal.

That’s one pointy demon. He’s even got Dilbert’s Boss hair.

The dialog in this is hilariously appalling. It’s not even so much that it’s a bunch of misguided, homophobic boarshit, it’s that nobody in real life would ever say or think half the idiotic phrases the characters do.

Yes — the torment of being gay is caused by the act of being gay itself, not, oh, say, societal pressures and expectations, bigots, persecution and ridicule from the people around you, other people thinking it’s “not normal”, implicit social biases, cultural signification, and the myriad other things that make gays feel they’re “wrong”. What accurate cultural observation!

Because ALL gays do drugs, and drug use is EXCLUSIVE to the gay community. Right? I mean, just because this is demonstrably extremely untrue, that doesn’t mean it’s false, right? Or… wait, amyl nitrate? This isn’t about drugs at all! Why would Michael Landon be in a gay bar asking Crocodile Dundee for a diesel fuel additive? I dunno, maybe this is a gay truck stop or something. It’s kind of hard to tell, given it’s apparently some kind of Dirac Sea.

Come on in and bathe with some gays! ‘Cause, you know, in real life, nobody’s creative enough to come up with any other names for their bars and clubs than generic things like “BAR” and “GAY BAR” and “GAY BATHS”.

[C]ancer*.

*A.I.D.S.

Oh, yay, more beefy men for Jack (or his illustrator accomplice) to lovingly detail for us on paper.

“Hey, David, cliché your clichés on that guy!” Is there some kind of significance to the demon’s various states of transparency, by the way, that I’m somehow missing, here?

“I know we can make it”? Make it where? Home? The highway rest stop? Arby’s? After all? The end of the Tract? Canada? White Castle? The Moon? Really, it doesn’t make a difference if they make it or not. They’ve got each other, and that’s a lot.

Yeah, you can tell you’re fuckin’ soul-mates after, what, like, a half an hour of conversation.

All gays are promiscuous! Which is why they want to be able to get married! SHUT UP IT MAKES SENSE. SOMEHOW.

Oh, also: All gays sit around without shirts on.

What’s the point of trying to talk him into suicide if you’re only going to talk him right back out of it? Maybe these demons would be a little more successful if they actually established some goals and worked toward them instead of firing off randomly. One moment it’s “maybe you ought to kill yourself” and the next it’s “Hey David, why don’t you fuck some fish?”

My, what chiseled facial features. Look at him, he’s like a Roman emperor. David the Weepy.

I think Jack’s normally crisp and witty dialog is falling a little flat, here.

So is this all inspired by demons as well, or is this behavior Chick endorses? Or both? I mean, one would think it would be the result of demonic influence, right? Why would demons focus exclusively on getting men to insert penises into each other’s anuses and not put any effort at all into vicious beatings? But if Chick supports enforcing gender roles, which is apparently a demonic-inspired perspective, why wouldn’t he support this as well? I’m beginning to see why he recalled this one.

“BLOOBLEOOBLEURRPPHHHHFFFFF PPPLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO PLOOOOOFFFFF PLOOOOOOO-W-W-WHAT!?? OH MY GOD — BRIAN! PPPLLOOOOOOOOOOO BLLBLLLOOOOO!”

I’d like to think his head just keeps going like that, whipping back and forth at high velocity, wildly splattering drool all over the newspaper.

Why does the demon need to be transparent here? Boy, it’s a good thing we can see the arm of that chair and a sliver of David’s sleeve instead of being able to tell where the thought bubble is originating.

Notice there’s now active communication between David and the demon. (Or, well, the demon’s navel, apparently.) WARNING: THIS DOES NOT ACTUALLY HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. ANY BEHAVIOR RESEMBLING THIS IS THE SIGN OF A MENTAL DISORDER, WHICH CAN LIKELY BE CURED WITH SOME FORM OF MEDICATION. IF YOU EXPERIENCE ANYTHING RESEMBLING COMMUNICATION WITH DEMONS, PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IMMEDIATELY. Unless… Do “chemicals” count as “demons” in the literal sense?

Nobody wants an old queen? Tell that to Elizabeth II, asshole! She will not be amused, I assure you. (Prince Edward might take personal umbrage as well. HAR HAR OUTDATED BRITISH TABLOID HUMOR)

Oh, come on, he hasn’t tried “everything”. He’s not even desperate and obsessed yet. And I haven’t seen him stalk even one celebrity.

I’m going to steal this as a conversation opener. “The Lord sent me here to witness to you.” After that, I can tell them whatever I want, and it’s the “Word of God”, right? I mean, that’s how it seems to work.

Oh, wait — that’s Bob Vila! He must be here to film an episode of This Old Gay Bar, or Bob Vila’s ‘Homo Again’, or something.

“At one time I was gay, just like you. Now, with careful, obsessive repression of my emotions, instincts and desires, I’ve managed to hide the fact that I’m totally miserable from myself! It’s so much easier to persecute myself than it is to deal with all the persecution from other people. But, I guess this is a much better solution than people actually not being total fucking homophobic morons about every goddamned thing.”

“…Be not deceived: neither fornicators nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves nor nobody’s fucking reading this anyway because it’s way too goddamned small and way too fucking long. I could say just about anything here, and I’m willing to bet that 90% of everyone who looks here is going to be all ‘TL:DR’ about it, simply because there’s no point straining your eyes to the point of retinal detachment just to fucking read a boring-assed passage from the Bible that talks about how basically everyone is going to hell, even apparently people who are ‘effeminate’. Seriously, what the fuck? Who determines this? How does one quantify such a thing? Do I have to lift weights? Wear a particular style of clothing? Thump my chest and grunt? Adhere to all the extremely arbitrary cultural markers regarding what’s “masculine” in our culture? How many power tools must I buy in order to not be ‘effeminate’? What if I use them for craft work? What a bunch of fucking garbage. Is God Arnold Schwarzenegger? ‘Thou shalt not be a girly man’? Seriously, what the cock is that shit? Who could possibly take this seriously while simultaneously not suffering from acute retardation? And blah blah blah, nobody’s going to read through all of this anyway. P.S. – I don’t see the word ‘gay’ anywhere in the Biblical passage in the Tract. Oops!”

Wrestle with principalities? What, like Monaco? Or… is Jack referring to Angelic Choirs? Does he mean we wrestle with the fifth highest order of the ninefold celestial hierarchy? I… I don’t… what? (Yes, I know it’s in the Bible, and I don’t care. That clearly doesn’t make it not stupid.)

“Only God can change your life.” Er… so there’s no free will after all, I guess. It’s just Jesus and demons tugging your soul back and forth, making every decision for you.

*KISSSLURP SLURK SLUCKLSLUCKLICKSLUCK SLURP SUCKLE SPLURP SUCK SSSSKKKKISSSS SMOOOCHLE SPLURK KISS SUCK-SUCK-SUCK SLURP KISS* — FUCKING GET A ROOM ALREADY, YOU TWO

“The Bible says if any man is in Christ, he becomes a new creature. No, that’s not a metaphor, or figurative writing — you literally become, like, a frog or a bull or a cheetah or, y’know, whatever else. I’m not really sure how he picks it. I’m an alpaca!”

So… what if you change, but you’re still gay? Why does that, specifically, have to change? And hold on a second… I thought a person’s actions didn’t mean anything, and that all a person had to do was believe in and accept Jesus.

It seems “active” gays have bulked-up, sculpted bodies, and “reformed” gays turn into pudgy, jowly flesh-sacks.

“Your speech bubble is drooping there a little. Here, let me just prop that up for you.”

Here, I want to play around with this one: “But the Bible says you were born in the image of God…

…therefore, homosexuality — though the origins are extremely unclear to even the most intelligent scientists and researchers using the most rigorous testing — is a learned, sinful behavior.”

…therefore, God is fat.”

…therefore, everyone looks exactly the same.”

…therefore, people with Down Syndrome cannot possibly logically exist.”

(The possibilities for violent logic collisions are endless! Pick up the home version on your way out of here tonight and try your own!)

Gah, just SHUT UP, you WOOL-HEADED FUCKBAG. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. GO AWAY.

Yeah, and how much else of Leviticus are you hypocritical facefucks trying to follow to the letter? Eat me. You try to force everyone to abide by these three fucking passages in the entire Bible that exhibit only a vague, inconclusive reference to anything even remotely related to homosexuality while ignoring an enormous number of passages that are much clearer in their wording and reinforce themes that occur throughout the Bible, yet you somehow believe yourselves in a position to cast judgment on others. Just shut up. Just stop talking immediately. With every fucking word that falls like a wet turd from your cracked, horrible mouths, you only serve to reinforce the easily-drawable conclusion that your miniscule, oversimplifying, idiot minds are incapable of fathoming the supposedly mysterious and complex mind of the God you claim to represent. You openly blaspheme by claiming to understand his will and trying to impose this interpretation of it upon others, mercilessly scrutinizing them under its scope, and, well, I’m not in any way a religious man, but that seems like far worse an offense than simple lack of belief. (Would you rather have someone not speak of you at all, or totally misrepresent you?) Just shut up. Shut up now, and shut up until you can learn how to expel words from your mouth instead of blind, cross-thumping, talking points that bring nothing to the world but arbitrarily propagating hatred and oppression. You have no place casting judgment on others on an individual level, let alone wielding government as a tool of oppression. You have no more insight into “God’s will” than any other person on this planet, so stop deluding yourselves into thinking otherwise because of personal insecurities, fear of mortality, and a desire for revenge on those you were helpless to punish yourselves in this lifetime.

Perhaps we need, as a country, to ask ourselves what’s more important: Preserving religious freedom at the potential sacrifice of the entire scope of individual freedoms, or preserving the entire scope of individual freedoms at the potential sacrifice of certain levels of religious freedom? Does that one freedom — religious expression — trump freedom as a whole?

This is not “a Christian country”. Just shut up. Fuck.

Oh, and P.-Fucking-S. – Stop conflating consensual sex and sex-related activities with non-consensual sexual abuse. You have — if such a minuscule quantity is even possible — even less an understanding of this than you do of God.

Why is a black square on the side of a building having a conversation with itself about homosexuality?

Oh, hey, wow, this one doesn’t have the patented Jack Chick “Crucifixion Scene” Xerox panel. Where’s my John 3:16, dammit? Where’s my 3:16?

“Are we going to stop him from killing himself?” “No, silly! We’re going to convert him! Now, hurry — to the Reformed-Faggot-Mobile!”

“Hurry, Kenny! Kill yourself now! Kill yourself! Take these pills! Though, maybe you should try fucking a fish. There are plenty of them. Fuck ‘em and leave ‘em, that’s what I always say. Come on, let’s go bar-hopping.”

Is that Tim Curry being shaken by Demon Judge Reinhold?

Blah blah blah, save us Lord, usual, predictable, “happy” Chick Tract ending.

I’m willing to bet the recall of this Tract has something to do with the extreme likelihood of the final paragraph having to be updated to read: “This book was written with the help of the late pastor Perry Roberts, a converted homosexual delivered by Jesus Christ. Prior to his tragic suicide (FOR TOTALLY UNRELATED REASONS, SERIOUSLY, GUYS), he helped many others find freedom. If you have further questions or need prayer, please write the estate of pastor Roberts [address]. Unfortunately, due to his untimely death, pastor Roberts is no longer available to speak to churches, schools and civic groups, etc.”

I like to think that the guy on the right acts and looks the same way when defecating. “GRRRRNNNNNHHH! I TAKE AUTHORITY OVER YOU, CEMENT-LIKE, CLOGGY, PAINFUL TURD, IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST.”

I also like to think this all ends with a big gay orgy, like it does in the film adaptation.


In conclusion,

[C]ancer*.

*A.I.D.S.

Gah. Awful.

An anagram of this, by the way, is “WOUNDED LECH RIND”. Another fun one is “DO UNWED CHILDREN”.

Until next time, when we’ll hopefully have a Dissection by Djur since my family’s in town for the week.

110 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Wounded Children

  1. Dear god.

    I’d have never thought it’d be possible for Chick to seem even less connected with planet Earth than usual. I was wrong.

  2. Can ten-year-old boys even get aroused? Or is it just porn in general that steals innocence from whomever it is shown to under whatever circumstance? Do porn magazines steal the innocence of, say, blind people? People who are asexual?

    So if David had listened to the demon, he would have stopped his close friend from being beaten to death? Is this Chick’s impression of a “demonic” suggestion?

    What the hell is with this Kenny character. He’s brought up in the last panel and we’re suddenly supposed to give a shit that he’s alive after we don’t even know who he is? Although if he had killed himself it would have been pretty awesome, ’cause then there would have been an opportunity for a South Park joke.

    And this stuff about boys playing with dolls is crap. The straightest guy I know still played with Barbies long after I stopped.

    This dissection was hilarious, but the tract was awful. I mean, what the hell? Every single gay person has their own personal Satan? Come on. If Satan really has as little a life as Chick tracts depict, couldn’t he spend his time on an MMORPG instead?

    • Oh my god, can you imagine Satan on an MMO? He’d be like everyone’s least favourite player, that douchebag who KSes his teammates, speaks in outdated, illegible chatspeak all the fucking time, makes a guild dedicated to PKing lowbies for the figurative hell of it, and whom everyone higher-levelled kills on sight. Maybe that seriously explains some shit.

  3. I like how in the “Why was I born this way? Why can’t I die?” panel, the demon actually looks really… concerned. Like “Oh, man, it’s not so bad, buck up, li’l fella!”

  4. Why is a black square on the side of a building having a conversation with itself about homosexuality?

    I know I’m weird, but this seems like something that could have happened when they activated the infinite improbability drive in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

  5. wait, ciggarettes are sinful now? “you were not born with a ciggarette in your hand, sinful habits are learned…” When did that happen?

    Didn’t people in the bible, like smoke pipes or something? maybe it’s not the tobacco… maybe it’s some thing in the little paper tube…

    joe camel does kinda look like a demon. and if you look reeeeeal close at the camel box you can kinda see some vauge outlines of naked people, possibly having sex. maybe that’s it.

    • “Didn’t people in the bible, like smoke pipes or something? maybe it’s not the tobacco… maybe it’s some thing in the little paper tube…”

      Impossible–tobacco was a cash crop originating in America. The events and settings in the Bible don’t occur anywhere near America, thus, no one smoked in the Bible.

  6. So where is it, Jack, that ‘door to the world of sexual fantasy’ you mentioned. I’d really like to step in. Even better – do you know where the ‘door to sexual activity’ is?

  7. By the way. This is by far the best Chick Tract EVER. Containing a demon who try to influence a man to commit an act of courage to save his friend, even scold him when he refuse. (Is Chick trying to tell us that demons always fail, even when they try to do something nice – “so choose the winning side, morons” ?) The same demon also stop that man from killing himself, although another demon encourage it on his victim. It seems that Satan need to document a clearer job description for his minions.

    In conclusion, the Johnny Depp demon is such a nice friend. Not only he did all that I mentioned above, supported a gay man through his hard times, he also show you porn (and where to find them).

  8. Completely forgot where I originally found this tract, but I’m darn glad I saved it. ^^

    One thing I totally don’t get. (In a list of many.) How could David read about an unidentified body, with no leads, which may have no connection to the beating he witnessed, and instantly realize “OMG THAT HAD TO BE BRIAN!!1!”

  9. Heheheh. I love the Demon. He seemed way more supportive and helpful than any of the christians. ;-)
    Also the thing about gay meaning being a woman in a man’s body is total shit as well. That’s transsexuals.
    You can see why this one was recalled. It’s plot makes so little sense, and it’s so horrifically illogical that it doesn’t properly demonstrate the bigotted Chick Views.

  10. Once again, you got me with an awesome pop culture reference. +10 Bon Jovi points.

    This tract proves I’m doublegay. drugs + sittin around without a shirt on. Nimue thinks it loops me back around to being straight….

    “what the cock is that shit?” have you been watching the Angry Nintendo Nerd?

    I adore your rant which starts with Leviticus and such. Absolutely awesome.

    Also, there’s a great movie about the groups in this country that try to make gay people straight, and how horribly they fail and totally suck. … I don’t remember the name, though. Pot’s a bad drug mkay. And you never know, that Pastor might have turned away from “God” and started up with the joyfully sinning and buttsechs and such.

  11. You should apply for a government grant for all the good work you do. Keep it up, Jabberwock.

    I don’t know if you’re a reader at pointlesswasteoftime.com but their freshest article is relevant and interesting.

    Also:

    With every fucking word that falls like a wet turd from your cracked, horrible mouths, you only serve to reinforce the easily-drawable conclusion that your miniscule, oversimplifying, idiot minds are incapable of fathoming the supposedly mysterious and complex mind of the God you claim to represent. You openly blaspheme by claiming to understand his will and trying to impose this interpretation of it upon others, mercilessly scrutinizing them under its scope, and, well, I’m not in any way a religious man, but that seems like far worse an offense than simple lack of belief. (Would you rather have someone not speak of you at all, or totally misrepresent you?)

    Amen.

    Though I still reckon Chick’s not in it for the souls. Read the newsletter on his site: it’s all about “brave soulwinners” who buy literally thousands of his fearmongering self-marketing hate tracts at 15c each.

  12. Indeed. Human males are apparently capable of erection even prior to birth (but not ejaculation until usually about a decade later).

    Pity. You could have chain pregnancies.

  13. Last night a documentary on American Christian fundamentalism was aired by the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (not be confused with the American one that stole our damn acronym). It’s called “God On Our Side,” and it was done by a very good journalist by the name of Andrew Denton. He went to the National Religous Broadcasters Convention, and did some interviews with fundie celebrities and people in the modern evangelical industry (sadly, our Jack was not in attendance).

    Being a very good journalist he attempted to give a fair and accurate portrayal of these people and their worldview. And these people, being these people, could not help but jump at the oppurtunity to make complete mockeries of themselves (much like our Jack). My personal favourite scene was when Denton attempted to make a Christian explain why the Bible was true. It went something like this (I can’t recall exact wording):

    Denton: So why do you believe that the Bible is the root of all truth?

    Christian: Well, no other document except the Bible accounts for everything you see. You can go out and see the sun, the moon, the earth, and the Bible is the only document that describes all of that, and therefore it is the word of God, and is the basis of all the truth.

    Denton: But the Koran for example, does the same thing, why isn’t it true?

    Christian: Well, because the Bible says that its not true.

    Really, this is one of the more sensible parts of the documentary. If anyone is interested, I’ll track down its publishing information (it might be available as a free download), and post it here.

    P.S. I don’t get it Jack, is being able to empathise with women a sign of the strength of David’s homosexual tendencies? Should we just go back to the beat’em and fuck’em method?

  14. Was the dad into gay porn or does straight porn+Demon Depp= gay man?

    Also I am still a bit confused by the Demon on one hand he gives David hints about suicide then a little while later tells him that it will get better…is he a friend or a demon?

  15. By the way if you want another bizarre, rare, recalled tract look for Lisa, it is about child molestation and how if you get saved you can keep the kid you are molesting and the doctor wont tell any one, also women drime men to molest children.

  16. *sigh*

    You know, I found out the facts of life when I was nine. I thought it was kinda gross for a while, then came to the conclusion that adults were really weird and completely forgot about it until I was about eleven (when I started watching for menstruation). I accidentally viewed soft-porn when I was twelve. FURRY porn, in fact. At the time, I didn’t even realise that was what it was. I just thought it was “art”.

    Now, I’m seventeen, and in fact I pretty much class myself as asexual. I still think the whole process is kinda needlessly complicated, but if other people want to do it that’s entirely their own business ^_^ (I probably think this at least partly due to my Asperger’s Syndrome – it means I’m socially inept and don’t like touching people – but the point still stands.) My existence is yet one more piece of proof that Chick’s full of shit on this one.

    Well, okay, I do have more-or-less non-sexual furry tendencies. But I had those BEFORE I saw the porn, because I was looking for an entirely different and perfectly childsafe furry webcomic at the time.

    I fail completely to see how anything which hurts nobody except the sensibilities of a few morons is “wrong”. I was kinda icked by the idea when I was a kid, but not much more than I was by het sex. Same reason I don’t really get why people think masturbation is sinful.

  17. I think the problem here originates with superstitious people using magical thought to try to “solve” their problems.

    I’ve had kind of a low-level OCD most of my life. Starting in middle school, I managed to wrestle it down almost completely to the point where it’s now kind of useful. (I’ve actually caught the toaster oven on, and the oven turned on, and several other things of that nature, which I wouldn’t have noticed were it not for my compulsion to walk around before leaving making sure everything heat-generating was turned off.) I’ve noticed that there’s a lot of OCD that has a kind of “magical thinking” element involved.

    I’m actually writing a short story about what I feel could be a possible accidental origin of religion. I’ll summarize:

    This guy finds himself addicted to caffeine, and he wants to give it up. He gets headaches every day unless he has his coffee, and he just doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. So one day, he decides to quit, but he finds it too hard. In order to keep himself to it, he convinces himself that if he drinks coffee, his wife will die. He keeps repeating it until he believes it, and does, in fact, stop drinking coffee.

    His friends ask him how he managed to give it up, because they have things they want to quit, too. So he tells them about his method, and they adopt it. One woman convinces herself that if she doesn’t stop smoking, her mother will get Alzheimer’s. That kind of thing.

    Pretty soon, they’ve all formed a support group, and people keep wanting to join. They all have things they don’t want to do anymore — things they personally feel are “wrong” or “icky” or “just plain not right”. Through their discussions, they manage to organize in such a way as to act as a collective support system. For instance, they agree that if one person in the group wants to give something up, the rest have to as well, because otherwise they’ll look around and see that all these people are still smoking and their dogs aren’t getting hit by cars, or whatever.

    There’s a lot of resentment toward all the people in the world who don’t abide by this same protocol for behavior, because they’re an obvious demonstration that, say, best friends don’t get cancer whenever a person eats too many candy bars. So eventually the “dangers” turn from physical to something less perceptible, giving it a kind of “Schroedinger’s” feel. People start worrying about their loved ones even more, and trying to get them to abide by the same protocols. “You can’t prove that you WON’T be forced to eat elephant jizz for the rest of time after you die because you didn’t give up smoking, now, can you?”

    And… yeah. It goes on from there. I started it, but never got around to finishing it. I’ll have to dig it up and do so.

    Anyway, point is, religion isn’t founded on things that have intrinsically “bad” or “wrong” or “harmful” attributes, or that have any real significance in any way. It’s all just things that a group of people don’t want to do, see, or deal with because they’ve made subjective assessments of certain behaviors and have deemed them “icky” or “bad” or “detestable”. Like I’ve said before, religion is exclusively about what MAN wants, not what any omnipotent being would want.

  18. Cool. I’d be interested in reading that story if you ever post it.

    And another thing. Chick thinks porn is so bad? He plainly isn’t familiar with the Song of Solomon. Bible porno! I’ve read it, and … parts of it are very good, but I think it loses something in the translation. I sure wouldn’t be pleased if my lover compared my teeth to a flock of sheep. (Not making that up, honest.)

    • That’s not the product of a bad translation, that’s just cultural dissonance. Think about it: these were ancient Jews living in the desert, where likely most had yellow, chipped teeth. For them, having teeth white “like a flock of sheep” would have been a big compliment. It doesn’t mean anything to us because white teeth are now commonplace.

  19. Heheheh… there’s an easier way to read that tiny little passage from Leviticus up there, Jabberwock — just do a copy-n-paste into something like WordPad, and the type is ~magically~ large enough to read!

    But yeah, I think you’ve pegged it on what “effeminate” means to these asshats. I remember seeing in the paper once a picture of a contingent of men at a Promise Keepers rally who were wearing T-shirts saying “Warriors Not Wimps For Christ.”

    Bleh.

  20. Dear Jack Chick,

    Upon (finally) seeing your (in)famous tract Wounded Children, I have been very much amused, and yet all the more spiteful towards you. Therefore, instead of making popcorn and watching the House Season One box set tonight, my girlfriend and I are going to engage in consensual, hot, kinky, lesbian sex. With whips. And handcuffs. Apparently, because all lesbians are men in the body of women, this also counts as gay sex. Plus two sin. Roll for eternal damnation.

    Yrs. in lesbianism,
    Kelse

    P.S. You, my good sir, are an asshat. That is all.

  21. I think my favorite parts of this tract are:

    “David”s apparent detachment from normal human aging. Apparently being gay gives you the power to fast-forward or rewind your age from moment to moment! I need to learn to tap into this power.

    And, like pretty much everyone else, I kind of wonder about the “demon” in this tract. He seems awfully friendly and concerned for the well-being of others. Kind of… not evil, really. Maybe that’s why Chick recalled this one – his demon was a little too likeable!

    I do have to wonder, though.. In the “Cancer*” panel, what is that “CRUISE, YOU FOOL, IT’S GETTING LATE!”. Is that the demon shouting to be heard over what is probably thumping techno beats? Or is that some sort of sign they hung over the door?

    Also, fishing keeps you from becoming gay. Who knew?

    And why is it that the tract’s illustrator paid such loving detail to the sculpted physique of all the gay men?

  22. You know, I kind of have to wonder about Chick’s extremely and unsettlingly specific knowledge of (then-contemporary) American gay subculture. I mean, he’s so utterly off-base on the ‘normal’ parts of being gay (mistaking it for transgenderism, using the old ‘daddy didn’t love me right’ canard…), and then immediately he… well, he uses ‘amyl nitrate’, but who the fuck in the Jebusite laity would even know that much?

    ‘GAY BATHS’ is a little too much knowledge for our priggishly closed-minded Chick, along with phraseology like ‘nobody wants an old queen’, the dated (but then accurate) stuff like ‘cancer’ being a euphemism for AIDS…

    What this all paints for me is a little picture: Chick (look for the sketch of the man – maybe on Wikipedia) hunched over the drawing board, unlit cigar in between his teeth, muttering ‘I owe my audience the truth – but if I use ‘poppers’, will the Vatican’s secret Jew sorcerors who’ve been fixing my shameful desires on Billy Graham know that I’m on to them?

    He moves the cigar from one side of his mouth to the other, then back again. He resists the temptation to move it a third time.

  23. That sitting guy in the 10th panel… he looks like He-Man.

    Personally, I like this tract. The art is pretty good and the story is more complex (and, dare I say, believable) than Chick’s usual fare.

  24. Well… “Like” is strong for one of these tracts. However, this does seem to be “merely” a cynical portrayal of American gay life, if still dependent on strange outdated psychology and the supernatural. But if one compares it to probably any other tract about homosexuality, at least the gays bear a resemblance to real people, instead of the usual cartoonish “heterophobes” harrassing frightened straight folk, and chasing childreh in Sodom. ‘Course, I’m sure it has something to do with an ex-gay cowriting it.

  25. Y’know what really irritates me about this tract? The proverbial bit of sand in my sandal? (All of it is atricious, like any Chick tract, but there’s always ~one little bit~ that is more irritating than the rest….) This tract highlights ~blatantly~ the major, self-contradictory flaw in this whole pray-the-demonic-gay-away fundie spew. (Even the fundies who don’t explicitly say that “demonic influence causes Teh Gay still say it is “sin” and “sin is from the devil” etc etc.)

    in the panel up there where the “ex-gay” dude is trying to talk David out of being gay, he says “sinful habits are learned and influenced by demonic forces…”. And later when David is Saved!, his and the other guy’s Buddy Demons are cast out, saying basically “curses! foiled again! we have to go find another David now!”

    So… if being gay is caused by demonic influence, and you have these demons “cast out” when you are saved, why then is it “not going to be easy” to become hetero? (Even the “ex-gay” dude up there says that.) Buddy Demon and his demonic gay influence is gone… why then are you still gay?

    This anti-gay tract exposes the inherent self-contradiction for all to see. And yet, somehow, the fundies DON’T SEE IT! So much for Jesus giving them “eyes to see”….

  26. Fishing may not keep you from becoming gay but it will make you a Master Baiter. Sorry………it had to be done.

  27. Someone in an earlier post mentioned the track “Lisa”… This is more retarded than Wounded Children. In fact, it gives “That Crazy Guy” a run for its money.

    I’ve actually found a site with it scanned…

    http://members.aol.com/monsterwax/Tracts.htm

    It’s right between “L’il Susy” and “The Littlest Bride”, and yet even in comparison to those two jewels, it sucks hard.

  28. [re: “Lisa”]

    Oh. My. GAWD!!!!

    I thought ~this~ (i.e. “Wounded Children”) tract was horrible. But that “Lisa” tract??? That’s beyond horrible, that’s ~*criminal*~.

    Wow.

  29. As a gay men myself, I was eagerly looking forward to this. Actually, this isn’t quite as bad as people made it out to be. Granted, it’s pretty stupid and patronizing, but it’s the standard we’ve come to expect from Chick.

    Rather than Chick’s usual style of elaborate conspiracy theories, this one is merely a repository of the most common (and outdated) gay stereotypes. He’s got everything covered! Let’s see now:

    *) Men become gay because of emotionally-distant fathers
    *) Exposure to pornography at an early age will turn you queer
    *) Men become gay as a result of rejection from girls
    *) Gay men believe they’re really girls in boys’ bodies (something which even Chick himself acknowledges as false and tries to explain away in his footnote, but still makes the narrative a bit moot)
    *) Families get destroyed when gays come out the closet
    *) Fishing (or any arbitrary “butch” pastime) prevents your kids from becoming gay (my personal favourite!)
    *) All gay men try dating girls for a bit
    *) Gay life is all about sex, drugs and clubs
    *) AIDS and cancer are the same thing (a tough contender for my personal favourite!)
    *) All gay men met at a pickup bar
    *) Gays are promiscuous
    *) Gays are suicidal
    *) Gays are cowards and wouldn’t help anyone in a crisis (you can’t possibly paint any gay in a positive light or as a worthwhile human being, you see)
    *) Gays spend pretty much their entire lives battling with their sexuality
    *) Homosexuality is something that can be cured
    *) The cure for homosexuality, is, of course, Jesus! (Don’t bother with Bhuddha or Muhammed, they just don’t have the same credentials as Jesus, man!)

    The most curious point, though, is why did Chick remove this from his catalogue? As I stated above, quite a few of his other tracts are far worse than this. And I don’t see anything that couldn’t have just been edited or removed, as he has done with previous tracts. And who is this Perry Roberts? A curious search on Google or Wikipedia doesn’t herald anything. Roberts is either a fraud or fictitious, but nonetheless Chick has continued to publish material from exposed fraudsters (John Todd comes to mind). Perhaps someone can shed some light on this?

  30. This must have been retracted because the first two panels are actually decent. Obviously being nasty to your kids isn’t going to drive them gay, but it isn’t good parenting, and the Bible does point that out (whence the Ephesians quote.) Or as they say, “Children, honor thy mother and thy father, and parents, give thy children no reason to dishonor you.” Most folks leave off that part, because gods forbid parent-child relations be based on anything even remotely resembling reciprocity or that there should ever be a and tollegitimate basis for kids being displeased with their parents.

    Chick probably decided that the kid deserved to be kicked out of his dad’s office, and screw any message about raising your kids in a loving manner.

  31. Well I guess “god” is like every other man, according to this tract, hates gay men but perfectly fine with lesbians. What the fuck is the deal with that shit?

  32. Last time I checked, there weren’t actually Biblical commands against lesbianism. I think it was just assumed that women wouldn’t be having control over their sex lives, anyway.

  33. To DMC: The Rev. Roberts spells his name Perri Roberts. Google that name and you’ll get his website. In fact, he looks like the bearded “Bob Vila” dude that “saves” David in the tract.

    To Jabberwock: Your dissections are great and always make for a good laugh. The tracts I would like to see dissected are: Angels?, A demon’s nightmare, and Somebody Goofed.

  34. Anyone else notice that in the panel with the thugs, Chick censors “Fucking” but writes “fags”?

  35. *looks up Perri Roberts*

    Hmmm…looks like Roberts isn’t actually dead. I’ll leave it up to everyone else to decide whether or not that’s a good thing.

    Also, Roberts is really creepy looking. Creepier than he looks in this tract.

  36. One of the things that pisses me off the most about fundys is how they will try to compare being gay to “being a woman on the inside.” IT IS NOTHING ALIKE, and I think I would know, being both queer and transgender. What would chick say I was? A man inside a woman inside a man?

  37. [quote=Ryan]Also, Roberts is really creepy looking. Creepier than he looks in this tract.[/quote]

    I agree.

  38. From http://www.dyingforlove.org/ :

    This book is about adventure, survival, and ultimately, faith. You will read the harrowing account of how God saved the life of young Roberts when a coven of witches tried to kidnap him for a human sacrifice. Also riveting, and utterly amazing, Pastor Roberts tells of is his true story of seeing Jesus in a cloud; on a mountaintop where the Lord stopped the devil from taking his soul, and the souls of his two friends to hell.
    Then just as intense, is his story of God reaching out of a glorious light, taking his hand, and revealing to him the path of life and what would come in later years. These stories will be uplifting, when you yourself, through the words of this book, behold the love and grace of almighty God.

    Which totally sucks. when I was an evangelical, I was desperately trying to get God to cure me of being gay, but couldn’t even get as much as an audible, “Hey, kid, it’s just a trial to make you more devout.” But someone like Perri gets personal appearances by the most powerful forces in the universe fighting on his behalf!

    I guess it’s because my first name ends with Y, not I, meaning I don’t have the extra gender-challenge that causes Jesus to step in and say, “Enough is enough!” Or, just perhaps, Roberts is lying or hallucinating.

  39. I don’t think the Devil was ever trying to give evil power of suggestions, at least with the comment of suicide, I think he was just validating his assumptions of his friend David being possible suicidal before jumping to conclusions. When he found out he was right he tried to reassure him that there is more to life and that one must learn from his mistakes. So far Satan seems like a much more sympathetic, and empathetic, guy than God.
    Does Chick try to make my decision easier on being an Atheist?

  40. I love the assumption held by many gay bashers that gays are some how more promiscuous than straights, that looking at porn at an early age turns you gay, and that all gays have emotionally distant fathers. The most promiscuous people I have known have been straight, I had an emotionally distant father and turned out straight, and my early experience with porn helped me get over the notion that many young boys have that girls are “yucky”.

    I also love the outdated use of the term “cancer” as a euphemism for HIV/AIDS. “Gay cancer” and “GRID” were both used back in the bad old days of the early 80s before AIDS was discovered amongst hemophiliacs, IV drug users, and women.

  41. If looking at porn at an early age turns you gay, I’d say half the internet-possessing homes in this country would be cranking out gay children like donuts at Krispy Kreme.

  42. This is probably Chick’s best tract. Although he is definately condemning gays to hell or whatnot, at least he acknowledges that you can’t just be ‘cured’. (“it will be hard” etc.)

    Also the artwork is pretty decent. I give it a 5/5 on the Chick Scale.

  43. Has anyone noticed that in this one the Devil is rather good looking for a change? Usually Chick features one of those cartoony Panic&Pain models, the ones in Demon’s Nightmare are typical of the breed, but this guy doesn’t look half bad! Is it because this one was about homosexuals? And how come all the homo man are rather *ahem* hot stuff here, whereas in most tracts they’re portrayed as giddy, swishy sissyboys? Hmmm, am I reading too much into this here? Makes me wonder if there was another reason this one got recalled.
    What’s with the Winged Horse shown fleeing with the devil as David the Miserable repents?
    There’s something interesting in the line, “David, you need me, and you need homosexuality and OH GOD DAVID DON’T LEAVE ME, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME! WE HAD SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL TOGETHER! YOU CAN’T JUST THROW IT ALL AWAY!”

  44. I think Chick recalled it because the gay main character actually came out pretty sympathetic. You can’t spread the hate as easily when your audience is reading the tract and going, “Awwww… I feel a little bad for him.”

  45. I’m confused. How does masturbating make you turn gay? it is a pleasurable use of your nether region, releases endorfins and is a good way to burn calories and stress relief. Why is it that it is seen bad to use a set of functioning organs. If God shaped us in his image, than he also has the ability to masturbate, whether male or female, because we don’t know.

    Also, was he jerking off in front of the girl? Even for ten years old, that is extremely creepy.

    Where do all the fundy characters come from in these tracts? Bob Villa just walked up to David and automatically knew he was struggling with his sexuality. Do they have gaydar or something?

  46. besides, i dont think junkies will refer to amyl nitrite (poppers) or any other drug for that matter, by their scientific or formal name. it’s like someone talking about weed as “dude, le’s smoke this joint of cannabis sativa” or “cant wait to snort some Erythroxylum coca up my nose” as referring to cocaine.

  47. The whole entire “Destroyed Innocence” thing reminded me of something that happened when I was like, I dunno, Five or six. My dad had come down to Utah from California with my step mom, they weren’t married at the time, but they were engaged. My sister and I were playing and just being ourselves when my dad and my step-mom kissed, out of the blue my mom starts screaming “YOU’RE DESTROYING THEIR INNOCENCE! YOU’RE DESTROYING THEIR INNOCENCE!!!” and flipping out like they were showing me some rape film or something. So I’m guessing my mom’s with Chick, ANYTHING that shows affection in a manner of love that is not spiritual can destroy your innocence?
    I kinda feel like becoming an Atheist now… -_-

  48. This tract needs no discussion. All credibility, if indeed it or Jack Chick have/had any, went out of the window with that one little asterisk.

    ‘Cancer*’

    ‘*AIDS’

    How anyone can take this man and his tracts seriously is beyond comprehension to me.

  49. Quote: “Don’t you sense a force here that has control of you?”

    I sense a disturbance in the geek world, as if thousands of voices suddenly crying out, “59 comments above and *nobody* made a Star Wars joke yet?” Serious face+palm going on over here.

    You make Obi-Wan’s ghost cry :(

  50. The title alone made me think of Pat Benatar’s “Hell is for Children. (a song about child abuse) But it didn’t wind up to be what I thought it would be looking thru this tract.

    Here’s my conclusion from it all: Jack has one sick mind and someone needs to commit his ass to the nearest insane asylum.

    If anyone here lives in the California area, (where Jack Chick Publications is located) there’s a sketch of him on Wikipedia. See if you can find this wacko.

  51. “You can love a brother in the Lord, but you can’t have sex with him”.

    So, does that mean that you can have a gay relationship as long as there is no sex? Or does Jack assume that all homosexual partnerships are all purely about the sex? And what about heterosexual relationships based around nothing but sex? Does God condone that (well, assuming they’re married, because any sex at all outside of a marriage, no matter the circumstances, is PURE EVIL!)? Geez, you can spend hours finding the many things wrong in every single sentence in these Tracts…. it hurts to read these, it really does. I can never bring myself to read an un-dissected Tract.

  52. ^ And by that I mean that every single sentence has so much wrong in it you could probably write a comprehensive article on each individual one on their own. Sorry that it didn’t really come out that way in the last post.

  53. For someone so overly religious, this guy sure likes to draw muscular, shirtless men in leather bondage gear. :/

  54. I literally laughed until I cried over this dissection. And yeah, the demon comes off surprisingly decent–and kinda hot.

    Please dissect Angels or Sin City. I reached your site off Box Turtle Bulletin, if you’re interested.

    I agree with the people saying God apparently could care less if women get it on with other women, which makes me think that the anti-gay thing is just that–anti-gay men.

  55. I read this again and couldn’t help but comment, David say “But wasn’t I born gay? The gay society, the gay churches…” Do you have gay churches in America? And how do those gay churches feels about lesbians and bisexuals? Or is it just so that Jack calls Christian churches that don’t condemn all none-heterosexual (or whatever word that should be used), for gay churches?

  56. …Am I the only one getting kinda turned on by some of these panels? D:

    I find it VERY suspicious that every single one of those gay men are extremely attractive and only turn into a flabby, Bob Ross lookalikes after they’re ‘straight again’… (Seriously, I half expected the guy to break out randomly with a “happy trees” comment.) Check it out; even dad is kinda on the ‘do not want’ side of the attraction meter. Is there something about dear ol’ Mr. Chick we need to know? o:

    And… yeah, even the demon looks pretty darn sexy. If he’s the one whispering over my shoulder to like men and women, well shoot, I don’t think I mind that at all. However, if that bloated flying swine looking thing was the one talking to me, I think I too would be repressing my feelings. “You know she’s ho-” “GOOD SWEET FUCK GET AWAY FROM ME YOU TROLL FROM THE LOINS OF SATAN! Help me JESUUUUUS!” Speaking of the pig faced demon, is he ass-raping Kenny in that panel he first appears in? Sure looks like it with those action lines…


    Okay.
    WAIT.
    If all gay men are just ‘girls stuck in a boys body,’ then wouldn’t they all be attracted to straight men rather than other gay men, because that would mean they’re attracted to other women? Or… something? Gah! *aneurism*

  57. Chick is so retarded. When you reach sexual maturity, sexual fantasies start. Not before then. I ran across porn when I was 9. My response was something along the lines of WTF-Close-Back-to-Surfing-the-Web. I sure as Hell didn’t think about it before I went to sleep, I’m not addicted to pornography, & I’m that guy who people say they “can’t imagine having sexual thoughts.”

    Then in that whole spiel about Soddom & Gommorah, Lot is DEFINATELY guilty of child abuse, & he’s an accomplice to 2 potential rapes that were likely going to be sadomasochistic. So, of course, he’s the good guy.

    AND CANCER IS NOT FUCKING AIDS!

    Sephiroth & his lack of a surname be praised, does this man’s stupid know no end?!

    Incidently, if you think this one’s bad, you should try to find Jack’s fabled Lisa tract.

  58. I love the “gays are to weak and cowardly to do anything” part of the track. What the hell was he supposed to do, run at several men wielding deadly weapons while waving his arms and screaming “I’M COMING TO FUCK YOU IN THE BUTT!!”?

  59. “Cancer = AIDS”

    … I’m sorry, what?

    This pretty much solidifies the fact that Jack Chick has no clue what he’s saying unless it concerns fundamentalist Christianity.

    “Are we going to stop him from killing himself?” “No, silly! We’re going to convert him! Now, hurry — to the Reformed-Faggot-Mobile!”
    I’d like to think the Reformed-Faggot-Mobile is made of neatly-reformed twigs and kindle.

    Perry Roberts, converted homosexual, committed suicide? OH GEE GOLLY, I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED. *coughrepressedemotionsafterbeingconvertedcough*

  60. You know, Cthulhu. Edith Cthulhu.

    I cannot stop laughing at this.

    Anyway, this is a hilarious tract. I myself am a homosexual Christian and used to read these as a kid(I got some from a family friend). Even then I knew these were full of shit, what with all the hate-mongering and the fact the God only exists to condemn people Jack doesn’t like.

    It easy to see why this one was recalled. The reasons for David becoming gay are vague(he looked at straight porn, wtf?), the demon was very supportive and sympathetic, and the supposed ‘good’ people were a bunch of lunatics who go ‘fag hunting’ for fun.

    Man, there really isn’t anything else for me to say that hasn’t already been said. Keep up the good dissecting!

    Cancer*

    *A.I.D.S.

  61. I’m pretty amused by the builds on some of those guys. On the “NINE MONTHS LATER” panel, it’s not so much like a “8-pack” as a shiny segmented insect-like exoskeleton. Maybe “GAY BAR” is code for “STEROID DISTRIBUTION CENTER”.

    Sadly, although it is clear that Jack has never met a halfway normal gay couple, this is not even close to the most whacked out, nonsensical bit of fundie lit I’ve seen, and quite a bit nicer than the other stuff.

    For example, in this case there is no implication that gay men are “created” by older gay men preying upon/abusing the young and impressionable, nor are there veiled threats of violence by any of the stereotypically shallow hunks against various Christian churches/leaders/organizations. I’d give 10 to 1 that this tract was pulled because it was too sympathetic towards gays.

  62. Thanks to your site I saw my last collection~

    the message is clear, homosexuality is a SIN, and sin makes mankind short to the glory of GOD.

    Salvation is the only way to be saved, and society don’t want you to know it. They will force you to renounce your faith just to be one of them. Thus the fallacy of the Devil.

  63. It’s a VERY tough competition, but I think “[C]ancer* *A.I.D.S.” may be the single most retarded thing to ever appear in a Chick Tract. Just amazing.

  64. That one demon definitely seems friendly. I wanna be his friend… Damn, Jack is stupid, if he’s being serious. Hurts to see a member of my faith, and presumably a republican, be such an ignorant dumbass.

  65. Goddamn. If Jack Chick wasn’t such a crazy fundie, he could illustrate gay porn. I mean, those make-out scenes were HAWT!!

  66. Is it weird that this whole comic made me want to read smutty yaoi manga…? Well, anyway, I have better things to do than read this drivel. *cough* Hehehehehe… ^y^

    Did the demon dude remind anyone of Ryuk from Death Note? Constantly hanging around the kid and muttering things in his ear… lol! I liked him a lot, too. Seemed like a nice demon guy. ^_^

    Off to read that smut now… n_nb

  67. “Hetero porn makes young boys gay.” What?! Huh?! It does not compute. This can’t be for real. Hetero porn as a young boy made me very, very happy. But NOT gay in the other meaning! It sounds like a line from that favourite book of Capt. Kirk’s: THE STARFLEET MANUAL OF LOGICAL CONUNDRUMS TO BLOW THE TUBES OF EVIL INTELLIGENT COMPUTERS.

  68. Oh, yeah, and can TEN-YEAR-OLD boys be much interested in sex matters? There is a phase, between 9 and 12, where gender differences are unimportant, and boys show NO INTEREST in the opposite sex…

    …if you give them an XBox 360, you can extend this phase…practically FOREVER!

  69. Make you wonder why Chick recalled that track. Maybe he found out that Perry guy was a sham who wasn’t really “converted”?

  70. Ho-lee fucksticks. No wonder Jack is embarrassed about this tract. It is so full of shit, I’m surprised the paper isn’t stained brown.

    On the plus side… RAWR!! This one is LOADED with eye candy for the ladies! I want a four-way involving me, David, Brian, and that incredibly buff demon. I guess a lot of gay men would like that, too, and maybe that’s why Jack was forced to stop printing this one, after realizing that he was actually catering to the gay crowd by giving them characters straight out of a cartoon porn site!

  71. Is this the comic that got Jack Chick’s trailer truck shot up by a bunch of outraged gays? Because if so, I understand their motive completely now. Holy fuck, Jack. You idiot.

  72. Pingback: Project: Chick | saralinwilde

  73. I haven’t read all the comments, so sorry if someone else has already pointed this out, but isn’t the story of Sodom and Gomorrah the one in which the hero offers his daughters to a crowd of men so they can gang rape them, then flees with said daughters and his wife, all of whom believe that the two cities being destroyed means the whole world is also being destroyed, whereupon the wife, thinking this, somewhat understandably turns round to view everything she ever knew go up in flames and is punished for this by becoming fucking salt, and then the two daughters date rape their own father specifically in order to get pregnant by him- which they do? So this is the bit in the bible where God explicitly shows that incestuous date rape resulting in pregnancy is actually morally preferable to consensual bum sex between two (or more) unrelated men? And that rape of women is less wrong than rape of men? And that the assumption that everything in the world being destroyed by fire is no excuse to look at it? I don’t know why they needed to write a book to point all that out. Seems fairly straightforward to me.

  74. I was thinking regarding the drawings of certain men by Jack Chick, was he totally inspired by the Tom Of Finland Foundation? Maybe Mr. Chick was pissed off just because the Tom of Finland turned him down at the gay bar way back then.

  75. I just want to point out the fact that Jack is so delusional about what he’s writing, he actually made David’s demon sound like more reliable (if somewhat poisonous) company than the “ex-gay” proselytiser.

    That has to be some kind of new record in ignorance, Jack Chick actually making the Devil seem like the better choice.

  76. *KISSSLURP SLURK SLUCKLSLUCKLICKSLUCK SLURP SUCKLE SPLURP SUCK SSSSKKKKISSSS SMOOOCHLE SPLURK KISS SUCK-SUCK-SUCK SLURP KISS* — FUCKING GET A ROOM ALREADY, YOU TWO

    Unless I’m much mistaken, those two are the same couple in the background of the Cancer!AIDS scene. Which happened nearly 7 years earlier. I can’t hate on any couple who can keep the passion burning for that length of time.

  77. Pingback: Jack Chick – Is He For Real? | End Time Musings

  78. What the FUCK?
    Ok, in panel seven, the one where they take their kid to the psychiatric-whatever-guy, the doctor makes a reasonable case: Hey, the kid is gay, deal with it.
    And the dad, who has been abusive the whole time, make a somewhat articulate (though DEFIANTLY out of character case, AS IF WE AS SUPPOSED TO IDENTIFY WITH HIM ALL A SUDDEN) case of: “NO, Christianity says that God didn’t invent gays, NEEARRRR!
    Ok, if the dad was played off as a reasonable but paranoid Christian, who is about to learn how to tolerate a gay son, this would be fine.
    But the whole time he is expressed as an abusive asshole, and then, EVERYTHING is fucked by the next panel. The dad (and ALL-A-SUDDEN MOM!) goes crazy, and the dad is a verbally abusive fuck once again.
    Just.. fuck it….
    I kind of like how in the next panel, he hook up with a hyper sexual version of
    Wil Wheaton. As a nerd: ooooohhh fuckin’ YEEEAAAHHH.

  79. “Let me hit him!”
    If anyone actually said something that lame and simple during a beatdown, they’d end up on the ground alongside with the victim.

  80. I like to think that Johnny Depp demon is actually David’s inner self, or psyche, trying to convince him to accept himself for what he truly is, and his demonic appearance is due to David being unable to accept himself.

    Him flying away at the end symbolizes David’s new life of repression.

    On any account, sure is a better friend than God. He talks a depressed man out of suicide, sticks with him 24/7 while his mortal friends are nowhere in sight, and tries to convince him to not to repress who he is.

    I’m kind of curious what happens next. Does David just stop being gay? He loses all sexual attraction for men? Does he magically turn straight. “Hey everybody, I’m straight now! I love pussy!”

    It makes no sense. Like anything else in Chick’s life, I imagine.

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