Chick Dissection | The Little Ghost

a.k.a. “Little Bitch Ruins Halloween”

“I’m not afraid of you… because Jesus loves me!” The simple Gospel for young children.

For varying definitions of “simple”, specifically “retarded”.

“I’m not afraid of you! I’ve got my fear-based religion to provide my terror for me!”

Another Halloween one, just because it’s a completely inappropriate time of the year for it.


“Puke for sale… get your fresh, hot, Halloween puke.”

He said “Boo!”, dipshit – what are you, deaf? It’s not that difficult to figure out which one-syllable word terminating in an “oo” sound you’re having shouted at you from a kid with a sheet over his head on Halloween. Though, maybe she really is deaf, and she’s confused because he’s signing the letter “c” at her, and she can’t read his lips because of his costume.

Of course, if she can actually accomplish forcing her skull through the front of her face like it seems she’s attempting to, it’ll be much better a costume than the other kid, so maybe the “WHAT?” is more like a “WHAT? You think that’s scary? Check this out. Nnnnnngh! *riiiiiplork*”

Or perhaps Jack forgot to put up the first panel, wherein the ghost kid says “I’m going to slowly shuffle toward you while squeezing at the air in front of me and saying ‘Boo!’ until I’m pinching your nipple”, which could also explain why she’s defensively covering her chest. Maybe he’s really saying “Boobs!”, but Jack is too shy to write it out.

She’s right, jazz hands just aren’t that terrifying. Especially such lackadaisical one– AWWWWW, KITTY!

You can picture him saying “BOOBS!” here, too, I guess, if you want a cheap laugh.

So, she’s not afraid… because Jesus loves her. Even though the whole belief system is, erm, structured around being terrified of eternal damnation. In other words, she believes in Jesus because she’s afraid, and believing in Jesus assuages the fear that he’ll become unjustifiably angry with her and cast her into hell for all eternity. This really starts to seem like an “If you suck me off, I promise not to beat you for the rest of the night” kind of relationship.

What they should be afraid of, however, are all the feces that mouse is going to be dropping in their candy bucket.

I just figured out what her costume is: She’s an inverted ice cream cone, only instead of being filled with the appropriate iced confection, it’s two scoops of vague, unprovable threats, a complete lack of joy and a willfulness to destroy others’ happiness, and probably a rotten mouse corpse or maggoty human finger or something. Hell, forget the mouse in the previous panel – I wouldn’t be surprised if she yanked their candy buckets away from them and shat into them herself.

Oh, she is burning a hole right through his head with that look. And vigorously rubbing the ghost’s belly, for some reason.

I wonder how many Christians include the devil’s pitchfork as part of their belief system. Is there supposed to be livestock in hell? Some may think he’d need it to jab sinners in some goofy, comical fashion, but if you’re torturing people with the near-infinite number of different horrible ways of inflicting suffering, what the fuck do you need a pitchfork for? It’s like, “Dude, why the toothpick? There’s no food in hell. You haven’t eaten for, like, hundreds of millennia.” “Eh, I keep it around for poking at people.” I know, I know, recognizable, stereotypical iconery and whatever. That doesn’t make it any less goofy.

I think the ghost kid is stuck in some kind of mode where he repeats every first and fourth thing he says.

*sigh* Not this again. Yeah, no non-fundamentalist child in America has EVER heard of JESUS. Come on. Western culture has Christianity’s greasy fingerprints all over it. Chick makes it seem like there are maybe, oh, say, two dozen people in the entire country who are familiar with the name “Jesus”.

That is the expression of a broken human being. Or, maybe he wasn’t lying when he said he was the devil, and there are actually nerves in that tail that the dog is furiously gnawing. Anyway, get used to the feeling, kid. Soon, you’ll be an adult, reading newspaper articles about ridiculous Supreme Court decisions on abortion, gays persecuted at every turn, Attorney Generals draping the breasts of fucking statues, the FBI trying to pry their way into your bedroom over the internet to enforce “obscenity laws”, withered old shitsticks trying to perpetuate the systematic oppression and subjugation of women in a larger attempt to return the country to the fuckawful 1950s, and America generally turning increasingly into a theocracy. It’s like waking up every morning to a fresh blast of piss in your face, a big, greasy, warm shit coiled up in your cereal, and a swift, diarrhea-inducing series of kicks to the lower back. Better start stashing away that allowance for all the goddamned antidepressants you’re going to need.

Anyway, speaking of animals, it looks like the mouse made it into the candy bucket. “Hey, you guys! Look! Someone gave me chocolate sprinkles! I know we’re not supposed to eat unwrapped candy, but Jesus will protect us, right?” Meanwhile, the cat, oblivious to the easy prey just a yard or so away, appears to be sinking its teeth into the ghost kid’s thigh, eliciting no response at all from its equally oblivious victim.

“You guys – what an incredible fart I’m having!”

Y’know… kid songs that specify generic race “colors” don’t seem like they’re going to really be all that effective at eliminating the mental separations between “types” of people in children’s minds. This shit’s just going to end up leading to questions and comments like “Mommy, what’s a red kid?” and “Look! A yellow person!”

And if someone started wailing this at me with this kind of an expression on their face, I’d drop everything and run like these were the first lines in the phrase-activated detonation sequence on the organic bomb built into their body.

I envision her saying both lines, here, with the same expression on her face, singing the last line of the song with a whispered, reverent awe, emphasizing certain words by gently stabbing her finger forward in the air. “JEsus LOVES the little CHILdren OF the WORLD.”

“Ow… ow… cat… rending… back-flesh… pitchfork… thrusting into… side… but not… going… to move…” Is this kid completely devoid of a nervous system?

“Meh, just gonna drop this shit right here. You don’t mind, do you, ecosystem? Good, here, have some plastic.”

You know, I actually kind of like this dog… rabbit… saw… thing. Wow… something Chick drew that’s actually kind of neat-looking. I’m going to have to write down the date – the day I actually liked something Jack Chick drew.

And hey, God is the one sentencing people to eternal damnation if they don’t believe in him. Jesus should save people from him.

Oh, yeah, take it allll off, baby.

“His ghost costume was stifling. It narrowed his vision, and he must see far. His candy bucket was heavy. It threw off his balance, and his target is far away.”

The cat chases the dog away from gnawing on the devil mask. Because, y’know, cats are tools of the devil.

Jesus did something awful. Wait a minute, I thought that was Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka

He died? Wow, ’cause nobody ever dies. That’s amazing!

No, kids! Don’t stare into her hypnotizingly blank eyes! That’s how she takes your soul!

“I’ve transported you into this dark, shapeless void to tell you the rest of my story.”

“HAW HAW HAW! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to grind down my horns and get back to controlling the world’s banking system. Oy!”

Yeah, the devil’s response to the physical embodiment of God – his nemesis – dying? Laughter! No wonder he was unsuccessful at usurping the throne of God if all he does is gloatingly giggle over every minor victory.

Gyah! Put your ghost costume back on, kid! That… that head! Those eyes! It’s like he’s staring at forever.

He really must not have a nervous system, or is at least incapable of reacting to sensory input. I mean, he’s got the other kid’s ear lodged in his eye and he doesn’t even seem to be acknowledging it.

Yeah, why did Jesus do that?

Jack Chick doesn’t draw children, he draws doughy-faced, navel-mouthed homunculi. Are they all having allergic reactions or something?

“Ook ook ook!”

What would it matter that the mere physical embodiment of God died? “Whoo! This physical embodiment – something of which an omnipotent being could create an endless supply – has died!”

“Jesus made the devil’s spinal column explode!”

ONLY the children. Nobody else. Just children. Who, erm, don’t go to hell anyway because there’s no such thing as purgatory or limbo.

“Cool! …what’s a ‘heaven’?”

You know, no context necessary or anything. Why in fuck would they want to go to heaven? If they didn’t even know who Jesus was, how are they supposed to know about the rest of Christian mythology?

“…he can finally get into the Guinness Book of World Records for ‘largest stack of human hearts’!”

I feel like any second, these kids’ faces are going to peel back, and their enormous, blank eyes will just be floating in mid-air above their necks.

Heyyyyy… wait a minute. She’s making them afraid in order to convert them to her religion! “I’m not afraid” my ass!

Kid, you… you got a little… a little bellybutton lint in your… in the corner of your… uh… “mouth”, I guess… there.

“Wait, we’re a little unclear. Who, exactly, is the devil? And why is he so bad?” “Yeah, and how can you demonstrate to us this ‘protection from bad things’ that Jesus supposedly provides? Are we just to take your word for all of this? You’re fucking, like, six years old.” “Yeah. And just look at Jimmy – he’s like a magnet for cat’s claws and other sharp, pointed things. Is Jesus going to protect him from his constant maulings? How? And if he’s not, won’t Jimmy still be afraid of something? What’s the point of only being fearless about vague, intangible things and still having to fear immediate, real-world injuries and dangers?” “Yeah, and why would we want to go to heaven, anyway? What is it? Can I sin in heaven, or do I still have to be paranoid about every action I take? If I can, why would God stop caring? If I can’t, what’s the point? Is that really paradise?”

“HyahaHAHA… oh, God… haha… *eye twitch* Why am I… hahahaha… Why am I shoving this… *eye twitch… eye twitch* whole tray full of… *eye twitch* haHAhaHAAA… ice cubes… up my ass… HAhaHAhaGAH… *eye twitch… eye twitch* one cube… at a time?”

Or: “Tee-hee! Aneurism!”

Or: *thwack* “Sorry, kid! Forgot to yell ‘fore!'”

Or: “Hahahaha, wowee! I’ve forgotten how much fun it is to just randomly start masturbating in public!”

Or: “Yaaaaahhhh! Nothin’ like a mid-day coke snort off your wrist to get your mind right!”

Or: “Gyaaaagh! Why did I think it was… a good idea to… put a rabid wolverine… up my skirt?”

Or: (Hell, you try. This panel is hilarious.)

“HOMF HORMPH HOMPH candy tastes so much better when you’re shoving it into your face with both hands! URMPH HOMF mmmm HOMF HORMPH dirt, too HOMF”

So is it some kind of requirement to bury your face in your hands while praying?

The animals aren’t praying, by the way – they’re just covering their faces in sympathetic embarrassment for the children. “Aw, fuck. I can’t believe they bought it.”

“(…And complete his human heart collection.)” “What?” “Uh, nothing! I didn’t say anything. (Join ussssssss…)”

“*gasp* Sweating… *gasp* Ahh… *pant* …double penetration… *pant* …exhausting.”

Gah, put your fucking costumes back on, you hideous little monsters.

“We’re all violently farting at once! It’s awesome! Thanks, Jesus!”


Careful, parents: Apparently your children can be easily converted by fundamentalist children using contextually bare fairy tales and implicit threats about intangible enemies.

66 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | The Little Ghost”

  1. Wow…the second time one of your Chick Tract dissections made me laugh so hard I cried. Third-to-last panel was side-splitting.

    That little dog/rabbit/saw thing shows up in a LOT of Chick tracts; makes me wonder why he doesn’t use the little fella as a mascot.

  2. “Red” people? That’s odd, I thought those dirty, filthy commies weren’t human at all. Unless she means Native Americans, who weren’t equal, since they all went to Hell for the sin of trying to hold onto their land.

    Also, for Naruto fans, that girl must have the Tsukiyomi ability: she traps people in a terrifying illusion by looking at them.

  3. Isn’t Chick supposed to be trying to make heaven, Jesus and all of that shit more attractive? From every tract I’ve seen there is nothing attractive about believing in Jesus. So far it is filled with hideous children with faces scarier than when they had the masks on, too stupid to have ever heard of Jesus or the devil, murderers and addicted crack whores but as long as they found Jesus, they are in with the heaven crowd. I want better membership than this to be encouraged to join this elite club. Maybe a couple of really good blues guitarists, a sax player, throaty singers and a couple of pot smokers and we can negotiate.

    I don’t think those kids are praying either. They are counting to 100 while Jesus hides and they have to find him.
    Everyone is trying to find Jesus.

    You are right about the critter he drew, still trying to figure out how a vampire bat, rabbit and saw can mate but
    maybe that’s another tract with the evils of cloning. It
    is cute though. I wish I could adopt it thru the Humane Soc.
    I’ve got some neighbor kids I’d like to turn it loose on.

  4. Oh, in that one panel…I don’t think it’s his belly she’s rubbing…..it looks lower than that….can’t really tell
    though.

  5. Dear God, the EARS on those children…it looks like they glued cereal bowls to the sides of their heads or something.

  6. Looking at this tract, I was immediately reminded of those margin drawings they had in MAD Magazine.

    That girl is so tweaked it is unbelievable. “Boo.” “AAAAAAAAAAARGH! I’M NOT SCARED! NO, I’M NOT! JESUS PROTECTS ME! YESH HE DOES! BLAAAAAAAAARGH YOU’RE ALL SATAN AND SATAN IS EVIL! HE’S OUT TO GET US, MAN! IT’S A FUCKIN’ CONSPIRACY, MAN! SATAN’S EVIL, MAN! AND JESUS IS GOOD! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, WHY? ‘CAUSE HE DIED FOR OUR SINS! NOW GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND PLEASE THE LORD BEFORE THE EVIL SMURF-MONKEYS HUNT ME DOWN AGAIN! AAAAAAH!”

    Those other kids that the girl converted will need some serious therapy.

  7. The ice cube thing must be part of how she manages those nuclear farts. From her expression the cubes must have razor-sharp edges. Oh, well, whatever yanks her crank…..

  8. That’s it! It’s the same kid! Same ponytail and even the same ice-cream-cone skirt! She’s just a few years older. Obviously she was so traumatized by the near-sacrifice of Fluffy the kitten that she became an unhinged bulging-eyed ice-cube-fart raving lunatic, obsessively spouting the same drivel that her teacher subjected her to on that fateful day. What she needs is a good psychiatrist. And to stop appearing in these tracts. It only feeds the obsession.

  9. Yeah, a point on the abortion tract Chobit’s linking to (which I hope to see you spork soon). The teacher says “condoms break”. They do sometimes, but if they do, they do so very obviously, as latex tends to shred when it splits. Ever seen a popped balloon? So there’s no way she couldn’t have noticed it breaking. Just a fact-check to throw in among the other stuff.

    (I’ve never seen this first-hand, but I’ve heard it from multiple sources.)

  10. Oh, and one Bible quote you might be able to use against Chick. Matthew 6.5, King James Version;

    “And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.”

  11. My girlfriend has just informed me that she, actually, prays with her head buried in her hands, in order to sleep during church services.

  12. Oh, wow, that one’s terrible, Chobit. It’s definitely been added to the “ones do to soon” queue. Though, directly next up might possibly be Jack’s freshest.

    Chelonianmobile: Thanks. Heh, yeah, condoms don’t just, like, “spring a leak” or whatever. When they pop, it’s more like a water balloon – you get little bits everywhere. Of course, that’s about when you rush down to the local drug store or Planned Parenthood and pick up some Plan B. (Which many fundamentalists mistakenly think is an “abortion drug”, by the way, but it’s really basically just a triple-dose of the birth control pill. But, y’know… that’s just a fact, and who the fuck trusts those?)

  13. And maybe that psychopathic cat is a grown up verson of the kitten in the other tract! Or maybe Jack just has a very small imagination. It’s kind of a toss-up really.

  14. Jabberwock; true, Plan B can’t be an “abortion pill” because the egg cell hasn’t implanted yet. If you take it at the late end of the safe use period (say, seventy hours) sperm may have met egg, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be less than halfway down the Fallopian tube, and it’ll still be about sixteen cells at most.

    I saw somewhere at the Freethinkers’ Association website that the Bible does not say a single word on abortion, though I’m pretty sure herbal abortives were available at the time (I know pennyroyal works, and there must be a Middle Eastern equivalent) and in fact states somewhere that a baby is not “alive” until it takes its first breath. Ding! More proof the fundies haven’t read their own book, along with that little part about not preaching in the streets as the hypocrites do! (One of the few Bible verses I still hold valid.) Besides, considering the fact that something like half of all fertilisations abort themselves naturally and most of those times the mother doesn’t even realise she was pregnant, God must not mind abortion all that much.

  15. Exactly. All it is, really, in most cases, is induced miscarriage.

    And heh, well, there are quite a number of parts of the Bible that fundamentalists conveniently ignore.

  16. Commenting on abortion…in many religions, any form of birth control is strictly against “God’s will” and is a sin. Even using a condom is considered a sin because you are interfering with “God’s will”. I guess this God likes it much better when unwanted children are being born neglected or abused. It is even considered a sin if a mother terminates a pregnancy if the fetus is developing with defects or if it puts her life in jeopardy, such as with a tubular pregnancy. As Chelonianmobile stated before, many fetuses spontaneously abort due to defect, also healthy “wanted” pregnancies miscarry. If this is “God’s will” then, as said earlier, God must not mind abortion as many claim.

    Talk about the reason and logic of “God’s will”…in the bible
    Sarah spent her lifetime barren and at 90 became a mother. What is the logic in that? She could have broken a hip during childbirth not to mention having to chase little Isaac around.
    Good old Abraham had to be great help, too, becoming a father at 100. I’m sure it was a great laugh back then, “God’s will” and all. He had a better sense of humor back then.

    Look at the number of Cesarean sections that are being done on a regular basis. Some are by the request of the mother so that they will have a “scheduled” birth but others are by necessity. Shouldn’t these be also considered against the will of God as they are not considered natural? Is it God’s will or just lucky that there are skilled people who know how to use a scalpel? Are these physicians going against the will of God to save the baby, mother or both? Where is the protests of this practice? Should we start one?

  17. The Bible does claim that several people lived for eight or nine hundred years, so either there’s a major mistranslation in there somewhere, the early Hebrews measured years entirely differently, or early Biblical people aged much slower than we do now. With that in mind, Sarah and Abraham were probably fine. Still, God does move in truly weird ways in that part.

    Speaking of whom, is anyone else thoroughly freaked out by the sacrifice-of-Isaac thing? I don’t see a good pious man there, I see a nutter unquestioningly willing to kill his kids on the orders of the voices in his head. (Was thinking of writing a fantasy novel, in which the folklore of the hero’s society has a story similar to that, but it ends with the Abraham figure being struck dead by the god for trying to kill his kid without a decent reason. Or if I decide on a happier story, the Abraham figure refusing, or at least asking “why?” and being rewarded.)

  18. Even using a condom is considered a sin because you are interfering with “God’s will”.

    Not much of an omnipotent God, is he, if his will can be so easily interfered with. If it’s so important to him that someone get knocked up, why doesn’t he just use some of that omnipotence to rupture an extremely thin sheet of rubber? Why does he need to employ whole herds of bossy people to run around preaching against contraception, rather than simply causing the contraceptives to fail to work at a critical moment?

  19. Re: comment by Chelonianmobile…the sacrifice of Isaac story is supposed to be a lesson in the test of faith but what sort of sick message is this? I remember hearing this story as a child and being totally freaked out by a God who would test a man’s faith in such a cruel and wicked way. He made the devil
    look good. Satan offers a piece of fruit to test faith and God says “Kill your child whom you’ve waited a lifetime to have.” One of those guilt trip things “If you love me, you’ll do it.” He supposedly doesn’t believe in abortion but requests someone to kill their child after it is born as a test of faith? Sick by all accounts.

    Infidel’s comment brought back a memory as well about a group who lived in our area who were so outraged by condoms and their being openly displayed at the local pharmacy that they pushed pins through all of the boxes so that they wouldn’t work. Great logic there. Let’s have some unwanted pregnancies, possible diseases being spread just so that we don’t have to read the word “trojan”.

    What gets me, too, are these pro-lifers who have huge posters of aborted fetuses displayed where little children can see them and they say they are spreading the word of God. I love this one the most. Any child who sees a herd of preachy people holding up giant photos of aborted fetuses I am sure will sign up for Sunday School as soon as possible so they can learn how to spread this loving word of God.

  20. “What gets me, too, are these pro-lifers…”

    What gets me is how names like that are used. “Pro-life”? Hell, EVERYONE is “pro-life”, (almost) nobody wants to massacre helpless people. The difference between the two groups is whose life you are arguing for. The so called “pro-life” group wants to save the lives of unborn groups of cells to have the chance to possible be born maybe. The “pro-choice” crowd wants to save the lives of the mothers, who are not ready for motherhood and would probably have a really crappy post-child life.

    How we let them use names like “pro-life” which makes them sound like saints is beyond me.

  21. My personal cut off point for birth control is conception. It’s the only point between foreplay and birth that there’s a clear difference in the state of the egg. Unfertilized before, fertilized after. Left alone, one won’t become a kid, but the other probably will.

    I’m supportive of the needs of women not ready to be mothers, but I’m confused as to why it’s required to end the pregnancy. Last that I checked newborn babies are in high demand for adoption. I realize that pregnancy has large effects on a woman, especially towards the end (my sister is expecting her first child). However, we’re talking about a life or potential life (depending on how you look at it).

    The bottom line, I’m not sure why we can’t both preserve the life of the child and the freedoms of the mother. They don’t seem mutually exclusive to me.

    As for the Chick tract, hilarious as always. If I ever had children as weak minded as those boys, I’d probably shoot myself.

  22. “High demand”? There are millions of kids needing homes. Most of them aren’t cute cuddly babies, though. People seem to lose interest once the kid’s not cute.

    And actually, I saw somewhere that about half of all fertilisations abort themselves, usually before the woman even notices she’s pregnant.

    What if the woman was raped, and/or is suffering mental or emotional problems in other ways, or has physiological problems, and the trauma of actually carrying the pregnancy to term would be worse for her than removing the embryo? Or the embryo is found to be carrying a defective gene which will result in the baby dying soon after birth? I know damn well I couldn’t deal emotionally with a pregnancy and birth, and I could cope even less with raising a kid (I have high-functioning autism, recurring depression, REALLY hair-trigger stress problems, and a minimal pain threshold), but then I’ll take all precautions to ensure I never experience one in the first place and I never have to make a decision like that, and if a friend ever ends up there, I’ll make sure I support them whatever they choose.

    I actually am in favour of preserving the embryo’s existence and growth if possible, and I don’t like the idea of aborting a foetus that’s developed well enough to feel pain, but if it would traumatise the mother more to give birth than to have the embryo removed, I tend to ethically class it as a form of self defence. Besides, the embryo hardly knows what it’s missing by not being born. Might also be because, on days when I don’t feel atheistic, I believe in reincarnation – so if the embryo DID have a soul (an idea I’m not clear on) it gets to have another go.

    Abortion as a form of birth control isn’t good, though. Even if you don’t believe you’re ending another’s life, it’s an unpleasant and invasive surgery procedure, and I think in some places you only get a local anaesthetic (which I do NOT think is smart – do they expect the woman to sit up and watch the procedure or something?) Mercifully it’s now medically pretty safe if performed by a doctor, but it’s still not something anyone would do for fun.

    Whichever side of the issue you’re on, I’d recommend reading this if you feel you can cope with migraine-inducing stupidity (which you obviously can, or you wouldn’t be here);
    http://mypage.direct.ca/w/writer/anti-tales.html
    I accept that a lot of people don’t approve of abortion, and I respect that view, but this lot is outright ridiculous.

  23. Jon – indeed. Even scarier is when they use terms like “pro-abortion” in place of “pro-choice”. Bastards.

    Darian: Heh, another comment that has elicited a response from me long enough that I’m going to turn it into a front-page post. Though Chelonianmobile appears to have just made a post which covers a lot of what I’m going to be saying. Look for it sometime within the next 12 hours.

  24. ooh! ooh! i’m one of the ones suffering from mental/emotional difficulties. despite being a legal adult, and patently fucked in the head, and having a recommendation from my shrink, i’m not allowed to have a hysterectomy to prevent pregnancy. how awesome is that!! gotta love christ-based decision making.

  25. MissMephy: Gah, that’s horrible. You can’t even decide whether to have your own hysterectomy? What’s their reasoning behind that? That your eggs are somehow “viable human life” or something?

  26. I think the reasoning behind not hysterectomising young women (I think in Britain most doctors will discourage women under thirty-five from doing it unless they have a major medical reason) is that they might change their minds later.

    I’m only seventeen and I’m already pretty sure I won’t change my mind, but I plan to remain celibate for various reasons in any case, so it likely won’t ever be an issue.

  27. “I think the reasoning behind not hysterectomising young women (I think in Britain most doctors will discourage women under thirty-five from doing it unless they have a major medical reason) is that they might change their minds later.”

    Oh, hub bub bub. The real concern is “GYAAAAH!!! A CHRISTIAN WHITE WOMAN’S WOMB GOING UNUSED??? INCONCEIVABLE!!!!”

    Abortion as a form of birth control is only problematic because it’s generally inferior to other methods. However, honestly, there are women who can’t effectively use chemical birth control methods and for whom barrier methods are unreliable. I’ve known some. If frequent early abortions are the only alternative to forced celibacy, then I’m all for abortion.

  28. “I think the reasoning behind not hysterectomising young women (I think in Britain most doctors will discourage women under thirty-five from doing it unless they have a major medical reason) is that they might change their minds later.”

    Oh, hub bub bub. The real concern is “GYAAAAH!!! A CHRISTIAN WHITE WOMAN’S WOMB GOING UNUSED??? INCONCEIVABLE!!!!”

    Much like the underused procedure of castrating men to prevent accidentally fathering children.

  29. Most doctors do not recommend a hysterectomy to a woman of any age unless there is an underlying reason for it such as fibroids, uterine prolapse, severe bleeding, etc. Because it is a surgical procedure which may possibly result in a MALPRACTICE lawsuit I think is their biggest reason. Even with underlying conditions, some doctors try every possible option before going ahead with a hysterectomy. I know because I’ve been there but my good doc had the good sense to know when enough was enough and decided to yank that puppy. It was the best thing I could have done. I suffered with so many problems before including nausea, which made me feel as though I had the flu every day. I had irregular bleeding and periods which lasted from days to weeks at a time and terrible cramping and finally it was a hysterectomy. With any surgery there are risks, including just being “put under” and I think that is the greatest reason for doctors to hesitate with the surgical option. Even with laproscopic surgery there are risks. Many times, if the ovaries are healthy they remain in the woman so that menopause can be done naturally instead of instantly so ladies we still have our eggs just no place to hatch ’em.

  30. Panel 13: Look at the boy in the foreground’s expression… then look at how close the boy in the background is to him… I wonder what’s going on there, Chick.

    But seriously, go to google video and search “Penn and Teller’s Bullshit”. It is a hilarious show which has the same views as this site, and they have a show or two about religion. You guys will love it.

  31. Yeah, I find it interesting the way doctors will be patriarchal/matriarchal about one’s reproductive decisions. Like when I went to get an IUD put in and the doctor thought I was too young to be able to decide that I was willing to face the 5% risk of infection. I mean, she didn’t object outright, but I was very strongly discouraged. Reproductive freedom comes in all forms, people.

  32. Man, I’ve seen so many good choices for the next tract to dissect.

    That’s one problem when mocking Chick tracts; there are so many tracts to pick from, yet so little time to cover them all.

  33. Ditto to Warren’s comment! I love the debates that some of these postings produce. Jabberwock’s sense of humor and comments on these tracts have me nearly peeing my pants!
    Glad that they are getting a great response. Keep up the great work.

  34. There’s a new tract out called Fairy Tales. I think it is one of the worst tracts yet. I’d love a dissection of Fairy Tales

  35. Hmm, I think I know what they were really doing when they were “praying” they were really presenting themselves to Satan. I mean it would explain the big white explosions

  36. Re:Abortion

    When two lifeforms share one body somethings rights have to come first. I’m in favor of the woman having rights. Seniority and all. . .

    The procedure everyone is talking about is a tubal ligation,not a hysterectomy. In a tubal the tubes are clipped/blocked or cut and burned. In a hysterectomy the whole works are removed and you have to go on HRT. After asking several doctors for a tubal (I’m 26 btw) I actually had one dr ask me, with a straight face, “You know that’s permanent, right?” On the other hand when a male friend wanted a vasectomy all he had to do was watch a 20 minute video. bastard

  37. Doctors seem to have this habit of dumbing stuff down. Sometimes to the point where it is no longer accurate. Either there are a lot of really stupid patients out there dropping the curve for the rest of us, or doctors just seem to have very little respect for us patients.

  38. I’ve got to stop reading these at work. I’m afraid my coworkers will hear me laughing continuously as I fail to stifle the laughter.

  39. Hey…is that the same Antigrav cat from that Best Friend (or whatever it was called) one?

    Funny thing. He and Fang are the only normal ones in these things.

    These are great. Could you do that “Nervious Witch” one? I’ve never seen that one, but I’ve heard its the one that takes a stab at Harry Potter…as if a book serise is really going to led kids to witchcraft! Please! They’re more likly to go looking for other books!

    But then again, ignorance is good for these people. They don’t have to think as much if their heads are uncluttered with boring facts.

  40. RE: “Abortion as birth control method”

    This concept seems to come up a lot, as though newly sexually active women actually think “Well, if I do get pregnant, I can just get an abortion.”

    The thought process goes (or, rather, it ought to go) more like “Well, as long as I make sure I can get on the pill, get an IUD, make sure we use spermicide, or any combination of many other contraceptive methods, and, of course, make sure we use a reliable kind of condom, I can have sex quite safely. And if the condom breaks, I can get Plan B just in case. And if, after all that jazz, I actually do get pregnant, I can get an abortion.”

    It’s not as though the expensive surgical procedure is the first line of defense against unwanted pregnancy, and you can’t let fundies or forced birth advocates (I may have to use that from now on) make you think everyone is as narrow-minded as they are.

  41. Mom says:

    “What gets me, too, are these pro-lifers who have huge posters of aborted fetuses displayed where little children can see them and they say they are spreading the word of God. I love this one the most. Any child who sees a herd of preachy people holding up giant photos of aborted fetuses I am sure will sign up for Sunday School as soon as possible so they can learn how to spread this loving word of God.”

    Yes, and even worse are those who produce videos of the same, presumably to be shown in health class or (Heaven forbid!) Sunday School.

    If there’s one thing organized religion can do effectively, it’s supply humanity with a steady flow of that good, old-fashioned “Nightmare Fuel.”

  42. “That is the expression of a broken human being. Or, maybe he wasn’t lying when he said he was the devil, and there are actually nerves in that tail that the dog is furiously gnawing. Anyway, get used to the feeling, kid. Soon, you’ll be an adult, reading newspaper articles about ridiculous Supreme Court decisions on abortion, gays persecuted at every turn, Attorney Generals draping the breasts of fucking statues, the FBI trying to pry their way into your bedroom over the internet to enforce “obscenity laws”, withered old shitsticks trying to perpetuate the systematic oppression and subjugation of women in a larger attempt to return the country to the fuckawful 1950s, and America generally turning increasingly into a theocracy. It’s like waking up every morning to a fresh blast of piss in your face, a big, greasy, warm shit coiled up in your cereal, and a swift, diarrhea-inducing series of kicks to the lower back. Better start stashing away that allowance for all the goddamned antidepressants you’re going to need.”

    Jeesh. Now I know why you’re called “Jabberwock”. Though some of the comments are funny, every tract we get shit like this, where you jabber on and on about how dumb Christianity is. Dude, it’s just not funny. STFU and move on.

  43. While down in Palm Bay, FL to visit my relatives,(on Halloween, no less) I stopped at the local McDonald’s right off Interstate 95. As I filled my drink, I turned to the left to see two of these placed in front of the clear job applications box. Here’s the kicker: They were in Spanish! It was titled along the lines of “El Phantasma Pequeno” (memory’s fuzzy -_- ) So I thought of two ideas at that point:

    Is Jack trying to press the biblethumping agenda to the Hispanics? Or are there Spanish biblethumpers around the area?

  44. “Now, for my impression of April May (while her testimony is breaking down) from Phoenix Wright!” ~twitch twitch~ The ice-cube-shoving facial expression just reminded me so much of that scene.

  45. Geez, these kida are the most hilarious wide-eyed soulless abominations I’ve ever seen. Coming from someone who watched all those Zwinky advertisements.

  46. When little sisters from Bioshock do Christianity…

    “And if you don’t convert to my fear mongering religion, a mutated man that sounds like a whale in a diving suit with a huge drill on his arm will maul you to death!”

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