SomethingAwful’s Christian Complaint Box

SomethingAwful is usually hit or miss, but I was pretty amused by their Anonymous Christian Complaint Box.

Some favorites:

Dear Anonymous Christian Complaint Box,

I got into an argument with my biology teacher about science. She said that Jupiter isn’t against the Bible and I said it is. I will be praying for a good letter to come to me for the school board so they’ll make her teach about how Jupiter ain’t there.

-Fed Up With Planets

Dear Anonymous Christian Complaint Box,

My mommy took me to a hospital to protest abortions and there was a scary picture of a fetus. I asked mommy what happens when they die, and she said they go straight to heaven.

Will they bite me when I go to heaven?

Dear God,

I’ve been out of work for about two years now and it’s really starting to test me and my family. I’ll keep praying for a job, but if you don’t come through for me soon I might have to start putting in some applications.

Check ’em out, if you haven’t already.

5 thoughts on “SomethingAwful’s Christian Complaint Box”

  1. That third one reminds me of a joke my dad told me as a kid. Seems there was this guy, we’ll call him Bob, who prayed fervently every week to win the lottery. Week after week he got down on his knees, but week after week no jackpot. Finally in despair he raised his hands to the heavens and cried, “Lord, I am a good man. I have asked for nothing before and will ask for nothing ever again–just give me a break and let me win the lottery!”

    And from above, a mighty voice rang out, “Bob, give ME a break and buy a ticket!”

  2. I can just see the horror movie trailer now…..

    “They’d made it. They were in Heaven. They thought they were safe. But there was one thing they’d forgotten…..

    NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD ETERNALLY LIVING ZOMBIE FETUSES!!”

    (Fade out, with chomping and gurgling noises in the background.)

  3. Reminds me of another old joke:

    I prayed to God for a new bike, but nothing happened.

    Then I realized what would I should do: I stole somebody’s bike, and prayed to God for forgiveness.

  4. If the babies go to heaven, what are the fundies so riled about? Isn’t the whole idea that it’s preferable to living?

    Maybe the fetuses could technically be considered to be committing suicide?

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