GUYS : …………………… shit while i lick your ass :) – m4m – 27 (Midtown)

Ah, forgot to include the disclaimer:

WARNING: These are genuine CraigsList posts in their entirety, including horrible images of sometimes hideous people engaging in sometimes terrifying behavior. I am not responsible for the content of these pages, and advise you not to view them in an environment in which such actions would get you into trouble.


A lil’ fun mam? – m4w – 23

I’m loving the crotch-level lamp, and the lens flare glancing across his thinly-veiled cock. Why is it down there? Does the cock need a reading light?

Seeking fun hot lady to sit on this – m4w – 35

That’s really poorly-formed haiku. How about something more like:

in the rain, my cock
looking for horny, fun girl
very cool and nice

The shadow kind of makes it look like it was photoshopped in, like Hussein’s cock in the South Park movie.

cute – w4m – 19 (Midtown West)

Fuck off. Not only are you sending the feminist movement back about four or five decades, but, uh, what the hell incentive is there for the person doing the spoiling?

Unless, of course, you really mean that you’d like someone to open you and leave you out on a sunny day unrefrigerated.

(CL Search Results Page)

You don’t need to click any of the links, but check the descriptions and locations and you’ll notice nearly all of these seem to come from the same guy. Dude, get a fucking life.

Be honest,Is it the picture? – m4w – 39

Yes, it’s the picture. Hunched, clutching your pug, standing next to your fat, cartoonish neighbor isn’t exactly going to be setting any panties awash with the glistening nectar of arousal. This might fly if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, but if you’re wanting to exchange oral sex with no strings attached, this doesn’t exactly scream SUCK MY COCK or anything.

Could I just have your Semen – 28

Wait, you aren’t going to charge me? I suppose that means “until I sue you for paternity in nine months”. What the cock is this shit, anyway? I’m supposed to just trust that you’re not going to create some kind of abomination with it and ruin the rest of my life just because, I dunno, both of my hands were somehow inoperable? A quick glance-through of the rough mentality of the people who post in the personals section, and somehow “give your sperm to CraigsList” doesn’t really strike me as the best idea.

An Anonymous Anal Playmate – m4w

Yeah, “non violent”. Until you get to the pictures. I mean, I’m sure you can find an eager taker for this offer, but I think you might be misrepresenting yourself a little in your description if this is what you’re looking for.

sexy muscle guy seeking no string – m4mw – 33

I am seeking no string. No. NO! Listen, bitch, I’m looking for TWINE, okay? No string. NO STRING. Got that?

Good that he informs us that he’s “100% here.” Often, with this type, you get 70% here, 80% at best. When they have a phantom lung or foot, or a dimensionally-displaced forearm or heart, you can find you wind up with a lot of unexpected problems.

The geometries and angles in his cock pic are baffling. Is it enormous and growing out of his abdomen? Tiny and growing out of his knuckle, but close to the camera? Two feet long and growing out of the expected location, but the base is obfuscated by his disproportionately tiny and oddly-angled arm?

Does your bush scare most men… Then I’m your man! – m4ww – 23

“I trim off the shaft” is a rather disturbing line. I’m picturing that the entire penis is lined with a thick fur, and he carefully landscapes around the shaft with fingernail scissors. Maybe he styles it like a bonsai. I don’t know what he does with the hair on the head of it, though. Maybe he styles it… combs it back down the shaft. Braids it?

Maybe he’s a black bear. “Don’t worry about the protective spines lining my penis – I keep them trimmed. Oh, and I have to host. It’s winter, see. Hibernating. You know. Be forewarned: I’ll probably fall asleep right afterward.”

And the pictures. Well. They’re… certainly there, aren’t they?

Demolition Expert Wanted for Temporary Erection Today – m4w – 55 (Midtown)

Is he looking for someone to blow up his cock? A better title for his ad might be: “Person to do like what a thing that puts objects into its orifices wanted for guy with shitty metaphors – m4w – 55”

Really Honry! – m4m – 34

REALLY HONRY!

Honry the Eighth I am, I am, Honry the Eighth I am.

Beautiful Somking Rob – $50

Why, yes, I could definitely use a somking rob, especially with red disgin. You have no idea how many times I have to remove the effects of gin from things, but you can only ever find green disgin. It would be very pleasant to have a nice red disgin around for such purposes. Pleasing to the eye.

Okay, so he can spell “beautiful” and “interested” and “condition” and “believe” without typos, but fails spectacularly and repeatedly on “smoking” and “robe”.

2 black men want to play in your tight white pink pussy – mm4w – 69

I’m sorry, what? I’m afraid I don’t fully follow. Would I be providing a secured pussy loan, or…? Will you be bringing your credit scores? I don’t think I can view them if I’m not some sort of financial institution.

They will also, they note, be providing you the “GIANT BLUE ANIME ROBOT” orgasm.

GUYS : …………………… shit while i lick your ass 🙂 – m4m – 27 (Midtown)

I feel like e-mailing him and telling him “no”, just so I can be entirely sure it’s never going to happen.

The scary part is that he’s so into this he’s taken the time to craft a custom toilet seat to put over his face. I’m hoping this will be the single technological achievement that survives the inevitable apocalypse long enough to be discovered by alien archaeologists.

looking for a warm-up girl – m4w – 26 (Chelsea)

GYAH. What the… fuck? It’s like he has whole Thanksgiving turkeys for thighs. They’re like Popeye-style caricatures of heavily-developed thighs.

“Looking for a warm-up girl. I need to crush a few heads with these before every workout.”

Wedgie Exchange – m4m – 25

I’ll give you two wedgies for ten euros and four dollars CDN.

I wanna phone fuck!!! – w4w – 28 (East Village)

“My 8” loader needs to go now!!!” Is she talking about her laserdisc player, or is “loader” some weird slang for a penis or vagina of which I’ve been until now unaware?

HOT BUNZ LOOKING FOR BIG GAY/BI/STR8 SAUSAGE – m4m – 29

I can picture him screaming this at the cashier at, say, a Nathan’s, like he’s speaking in all caps. SUP HOT BUNZ LOOKING FOR BIG GAY BI STR8 SAUSAGE SMOOTH TONED TANNED. LET’S MAKE IT HAPPEN. HOT DOG HOT DOG HOT DOG. And then he puts his ass up on the counter and demands a sausage be placed in it.

LET’S FUCK, BRO!

6 thoughts on “GUYS : …………………… shit while i lick your ass :) – m4m – 27 (Midtown)”

  1. I just don’t get scat, myself. And I don’t get the fetish for “str8 guys”. I myself would want a guy who likes guys, not a guy who does not.
    Did you ever see the picture book, “Hotel of the Vanities”? It’s about a Victorian England style anthropologist who lives around 4000 CE, and tries to reconstruct a portrayal of American society from artifacts found in a hotel buried under junk mail. Anyways, there’s a page where his wife wears a toilet seat as a necklace and toothbrushes as earrings. That’s the first thing that came to my mind when reading that ad.

  2. Uh, I’m pretty sure the lesbian with the ‘8″ loader’ is referring to her phone. Not that it’s a functional or funny joke, but… just so’s yall know.

  3. As for “A li’l fun ma’am” – is that a horrible growth on his neck, just behind his head? Was he decapitated once and his head stitched back on very badly? Can he wrap his dick around his neck? What? What is THAT? Wait… Maybe it’s just his shirt. No… No… Looks like a tumorous growth. Maybe just the lighting? Judging by the twing! of light off his pitiful boner even through his boxers, I’m guessing it’s a medical condition.

    What’s in it for the straight boys to induce them to poop on another guy’s tongue? Was there a monetary incentive? I missed that. And very generous with the “No reciprocity needed”. You mean, he actually gets it that other people are violently turned off at the prospect of someone shitting on them? No way!

    This may explain why my unworn wedding dress failed to sell on Craigslist. Perhaps if I had written:
    “Wanna special souvenir of my anal rape? Shit-smeared wedding gown with spots of blood for sale*. Guaranteed to still smell. (*Each spot sold separately)”

    Damn. I could have made thousands! Hm… Maybe it’s not too late.

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