Chick Dissection | Here, Kitty Kitty

Bad boys had mean plans for Betsy’s kitty. Will help come in time? A great salvation story for children.

Manipulate children into adopting your religious beliefs by making vague implications that their pets’ lives are in danger from Satanists and ne’er-do-wells if they don’t believe in Jesus. Special guest illustration by Charles Schulz……..’s corpse.


Meow at the moon.

Parents: Be sure to burn all candles and chalk. They are tools of the devil.

Oh, come on, Jack – shouldn’t it be Majik Spellz? And I’m certain one or two of the letters should be backwards, especially the ‘e’. This is totally not cutesy enough.

“And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the… er, I mean… then I guess we’re all set.”

Is she gesturing to indicate they need to transition into the next panel in order to see whether they have everything they need, or is that just some kind of palsy?

Like twenty-sided dice, rock music, consensual sexual intercourse, fossils, critical thinking, and technology, black cats are tools of evil. Burn every one you can find at your next book burning. Knives, too.

“The most important part of our ritual is a black cat, and a knife, a knife and a black cat. The two most important parts of our ritual are a black cat, a knife, and ruthless efficiency. Er, the three most important parts of our ritual are a black cat, a knife, and ruthless efficiency. And an almost fanatical devotion to Satan. Our four – no – amongst the most important parts of our ritual are… such elements as… I’ll come in again.”

He’s like the bastard child of Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty.

Man, there are some sexual allegories going on here I’m not even going to try to touch.

“Don’t you want to permanently destroy your cat in order to not achieve any kind of real-world effect at all? What are you, stupid?”

I love the reliable duality in all of Chick’s Tracts: Either you believe in Jesus, or you’re the kind of person who’ll stab a kitten to death.

Wait a minute, how’d she get the cat away from him?

“Good grief! My poor kitty!”

Gee… now, where have we heard this kind of thinking before? Oh, right, that guy fundamentalists turned out in record numbers to vote for in the last election.

Suddenly the kid in the near-copyright-violating wavy-lined shirt has become an angry, middle-aged, soccer-mom dwarf.

Oh, wow, they’re “In Class”, huh? I’d never have fucking guessed that without the little word block in the top corner. I missed it the first time I read it and thought they were sitting on desks inside a volcano on Venus. Or, like, at a meat processing plant.

It was especially hard to figure out because, I mean, it’s not like we’ve ever seen this particular scene layout before.

GULP!

Who’s going to kill her kitty? Jack was right all along – rock music really is evil!

So cliché she’s even got an apple on the desk.

Hey… hey wait a second! Adults aren’t supposed to be comprehensible to the audience in these!

SNIF “Uh, honey… you’re getting snot all over my apple. Thanks.”

YOU

What a little fucking tattletale.

She’s pointing so hard, it’s vibrating the hair on the back of the teacher’s head. And she spills her secrets unbelievably easy, especially given they’re rather disturbing and threatening things, and she’s speaking to the intended victim. “We were thinking of killing a cat in order to do horrible things to you!”

“But spells don’t work on me, Betsy.” “Why not?” “Well, because spells don’t work in general. I mean, think about it: How many times in your life have you EVER seen ANYTHING that was the result of black magic? And similarly, how many times have you ever seen anything that was the result of prayer? Come on, let’s try both right now and see if we can get any kind of effect at all out of either. Oop, there. Nothing? Thought so. Go save your cat.”

Oh, come on. There is no fucking way this girl could be living in the United States and be completely oblivious to the name “Jesus”.

Whoa, teacher fall in crude oil between the two panels?

So if Jesus made the universe, what did God do? I mean, I get the whole “Trinity” thing, but the terminology here doesn’t make any sense. Jesus was Jesus before Jesus was born on Earth? Why did they need Mary? If Jesus is “God the son”, and there’s a “God the father”, then if God the son created and did everything, then what did God the father do? This is just… fucking stupid. Also, wasn’t the Trinity primarily a Catholic thing? I’ve heard fundamentalists argue against the idea of a “triune God” numerous times. It’s a big part of why “Catholics aren’t real Christians” – it’s “worship of Baal”. So what the fuck?

She’s gesturing to her left again. Yeah, must be some kind of palsy.

So you can repel zombie midgets by just sternly telling them “NO!” I guess.

Wait – that’s Pigpen! I guess Pigpen wasn’t dirty, he was just visibly manifesting sin all around him.

Why doesn’t God just… destroy all sin? He hates it so much that he’s willing to torture everyone who engages in it – which is apparently everyone – for all eternity. If you’re going to be that fascist, you might as well just eliminate free will while you’re at it. It’s much better to control people’s actions their whole lives than it is to fucking torture them forever.

“God won’t let me in just as I am?” “NO, because God’s love is conditional. See, God is incapable of unconditional love. It’s kind of weird that ordinary people can love each other regardless of what they do, but that God basically hates you unless you choose to believe in him. But I don’t question; love is a human-specific quality. But God is love!”

Wait, so if there’s “a much better way” than soap and water to clean yourself of sin, that implies that soap and water is “a way”, just not as efficient.

Why does she have a suitcase?

*PUNT* “Get the fuck off my cloud!”

Hahaha, I love this one. It’s like God is just tossing Jesus down to Earth. Y’know, from his space cloud.

The dotted lines are amusing, too. *swatswatswat* “Oh, shit! Bee! There’s a bee following me down!”

The fact that people thought (and likely many still think) God lives “up on a cloud” and that Hell is a “hot place underneath the ground” should be evidence enough that the entire idea was conceived when people had no fucking clue at all what was happening outside their range of perception and just created speculative stories about mythical deities and creatures living somewhere beyond the skies and deep down in the Earth where all the stuff that shoots out of volcanoes comes from.

“His name is Jesus, and he dances on the sand. I mean… and he taught us how to love and forgive.”

So God told God that God would take God’s punishment for sins? Er… what?

This is like God saying “okay, well, I’m only fucking omnipotent, so because it’s not like I can just, y’know, outright forgive sins or anything, I’m going to make a physical embodiment of myself, call it my “son”, and then let you torture it to death. That’ll make us even, right?”

And the thing is, he didn’t take everyone’s sin on himself, he basically just distilled it all down into a single sin for everyone: disbelief. And that’s apparently the only one he can’t save you from.

Three days later a miracle happened – Jesus became a Batman action!

“Do you want to go to heaven?” “You mean, do I want to spend my eternity with a petty, angry, incompetent, judgmental monster who afflicted me with a vague condition that wasn’t my fault, and is so ineffectual at being omnipotent that he couldn’t just alleviate the condition but instead created this bizarre, contrived process wherein I have to somehow have a very specific way of thinking about Jesus in my head or I’ll burn for eternity? Oh, sure, yeah, sounds like a fucking blast. I totally can’t wait!”

And then

Ever have that “Not-So-Fresh” feeling? Plug yourself up with Jesus! “I feel so clean! God forgave me! I’m going to heaven! But first, I’m going to go horseback riding and play some tennis!”

Wait, why “Later”? And how much “Later”? “Later, after Miss Johnson finished molesting Betsy…” “Three hours later, after an extremely awkward silence…” “Three seconds later, nearly immediately after the last panel, which is what seems to make the most sense in context and renders this text block unnecessary…”

They’re playing hand-puppets! Either that, or Miss Johnson has a set of vocal cords in her arm with an additional tracheal passage terminating in her wrist. Try as she might, though, Betsy just can’t get the hang of projecting her voice into her hand.

OH NO! Where’s Fluffy? Gee, maybe if I didn’t stand around for an hour praying with my teacher, I could’ve gotten something done and actually had a tangible effect in the world around me!”

I wonder how long that dog has been sitting there, exaggeratedly startled by the presence of an empty cage. Maybe it’s dead and they had it taxidermically preserved.

Isn’t this the one where they take the masks off after midnight and their faces have been permanently altered to look like the masks they were wearing?

Poor kid in the back in the ghost costume got a rock.

She has to be dressed like a witch, because if you’re not dressed “the part”, the spell won’t work. Which is why he’s dressed like an angry Ziggy.

Pfft. Yeah, kid, God didn’t stop the Holocaust, he’s not stopping the genocide in Darfur, but he’ll save your pwecious widdwe kitty.

Hah, they’re just stabbing the cat to death. No rituals or chanting or anything one would associate with stereotypical “black magic” behavior. Fuck, if it were that easy, you’d have pre-psychopathic children (at least, in this imaginary universe where black magic and prayer actually work) running around getting wishes granted left and right.

STOP right there! I wanna know right now: Before you go any further… do you love me?”

At least one of these kids is armed, and instead of, oh, say, calling the police or something, she just goes out there by herself with nothing but a flashlight.

She’s squeezing the cat like it’s a tube of toothpaste. Everyone just keeps swinging that poor fucking thing around like it’s a hammer or something.

Okay, so these are kids who were willing to kill a fucking kitten to get what they wanted, yet when confronted by the object of their scorn, they back down nearly instantly. “Don’t do witchcraft… Do your HOMEWORK!” “Okay, sorry! Didn’t mean to bring a knife over here and try to stab a kitten to death in your back yard to curse you with the powers of Satan. Our bad…”


AAAAAUUUUUUUGH! Good grief. I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it…

43 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Here, Kitty Kitty”

  1. Well, maybe Chick’s just misinterpreting another thing the fundies think of as a sin, which is also referred to as “killing kittens” …

    Hey, it could happen with this guy’s mental ability.

  2. So, kids dressing up like cartoon characters and begging door-to-door for sugar is evil, along with rolling funky dice to determine the outcome of fantasy scenarios and bestsellers about four-eyed kids with lightning bolts on their forheads. Funny how in all the Sunday school, confirmation, sermons, and assorted spiritual discussions I’ve attended over thirty years, that was never covered…

    Charles Schultz is rolling in his grave.

  3. Chick is kind of a one-trick pony, isn’t he…?

    His world is amazingly narrow and cramped. He sets up a range of situations, but nearly all of them just feed into that same little canned speech about sin, Jesus, and salvation by faith alone. It’s hard to imagine a fantasy or SF writer whose created world was as bland and simple as this selling many books, but it’s the best his omnipontent God can do.

  4. Wait, if this is based off of Charlie Brown’s style, wouldn’t that teacher speak in “OWAAAOO WAOOO BLOOOO” way like all adults in those cartoons?

    Just imagine her speaking like that for extra absurdity

  5. Sarasoji: Indeed. I’m actually working on a follow-up to this along a similar vein.

    TheDiva: Not only is he rolling, but I think he’s going at such a high RPM that, were we to somehow figure out a way to harness it, we could power the entire United States well into the future.

  6. So- Wikipedia says that the majority of Christians, not only Catholics, believe in the Trinity.

    I never really understood the whole concept, as my childhood only contained spots of religion. As far as I was concerned, God and Jesus were the same, and what the fuck was the Holy Spirit slash Holy Ghost?

    Wikipedia, my ever-loyal source of information, says that Pentecostals believe the Holy Spirit shows itself in glossolalial form.

    Ah.

    O/T, sorta: Stephen Lynch’s “Kill a Kitten” is now stuck on repeat in my brain.

  7. I’m confused. Why is the girl bringing chalk? Were they going to draw a line around the cat after it was murdered and investigate it as a crime scene?

  8. Wait a second. Now, maybe I wasn’t paying close enough attention, but just who is this Jesus guy or lady they’re talking about?

  9. Jesus said, Punish Me, instead.

    Does this mean her boyfriend is an S&M bottom? I didn’t think the teacher looked that kinky.

    Or is Punish Me the title of a book Jesus is referring to?

    I think the teacher is toting around a portable guillotine, so that when people ask to go be taken to heaven, she can help it go on right there on the spot. The case is just to minimize the mess.

  10. “Punish Me instead. My safe word is Holy Ghost.”

    When I saw the title, I thought it might have been Jack Chick’s warning about how BESTIALITY IS AN ABOMINATION IN THE EYES OF THE LORD.

  11. heh, i like panel 25 “god loved betsy so much (even though she didn’t exist yet) he sent his son to become human”

    …so this whole christianity thing happened for the sake of one little girl, and god doesn’t give a rip about the rest of us? that’s got to make the poor kid have a complex, like god’s stalking her. “look sweetie, i love you so much i killed my son! geez that didn’t work… she doesn’t even know who jesus is… i guess i’m going to have to send someone to kill her cat. yeah, that should get her attention.”

  12. Jokes from my never-completed dissection of this comic:

    Panel 10: Check it out, the cat’s wearing blackface!

    Panel 14: Teacher: “Betsy, would you mind stepping back? You’re getting tears on my cliché…”

    Panel 18: Teacher: “What are you, some kind of Jew? How can you not know about Jesus…”

    Panel 19: Betsey: “So the apple is Jesus?”
    Teacher: “I really fucking hate you, Betsy”

    I also noticed that the teacher has picked an odd time to check her breasts for lumps…

    Panel 22: So you have to believe in Jesus and bathe regularly to get into Heaven?

    Panel 25: [I’m skipping the shoving joke] Shouldn’t Jesus be a baby or something if he’s being sent off to be born? And if Jesus created the universe like Chick said in that earlier panel, wouldn’t that make him God and thus also be the guy on the cloud? Why is there a cloud in space? Why am I expecting logic in a Chick tract?

    Panel 27: The Passion of the Christ, now in convenient comic panel format! Also, you’ve gotta love the hooked noses Chick gave everyone in this panel.

    Panel 31: Betsey: “But I saw a video on Youtube that says otherwise…

    All kidding aside, why is she so eager to go to Heaven? The teacher never said anything about why anyone would want to go there!

    Panel 37: That’s a sweet “angry hook-nosed Roman” mask, Charle Brown.

    Panel 38: Shouldn’t that ghost costume be full of holes? Come on Chick, if you’re going to rip-off the Peanuts, at least be consistent. Waitaminute…ghost…holes…hole-y ghost? HAHAHAHAHAHAKILLME.

    Panel 39: What, no helpful panel telling us that it’s nighttime? You’re slacking off, Chick.

    Panel 42: I don’t know what’s worse: that pun or fact that the cat is doing a blackface routine again.

    And here’s my comment for the missing end page:

    I’m guessing that “The Next Step” is a fundamentalist Christian exercise system, like those Charles Atlas ads in old comic books. “That bully used to kick sand in my face…but now that I’ve found Christ, I’m king of the beach!”

  13. I think it’s nuts how Chick thinks girls are forced into dressing as witches….I mean, when and where does that happen?!

  14. Actually, there’s another great Halloween-themed Tract that involves a girl actually being forced to dress up for Halloween, and being castigated because she doesn’t dress like a witch.

  15. “Check it out, the cat’s wearing blackface!”

    That was the very first thought that popped into my head too! XD

  16. “You mean, do I want to spend my eternity with a petty, angry, incompetent, judgmental monster who afflicted me with a vague condition that wasn’t my fault, and is so ineffectual at being omnipotent that he couldn’t just alleviate the condition but instead created this bizarre, contrived process wherein I have to somehow have a very specific way of thinking about Jesus in my head or I’ll burn for eternity? Oh, sure, yeah, sounds like a fucking blast. I totally can’t wait!”

    ..if i get to hell first i promise to save you a seat. maybe two.

    1. This bizarre contrived process we’re then all supposed to feel guilty and responsible for even though none of us existed when it happened, and were never asked if we actually wanted Jesus to take our sins upon himself. What an arrogant prick! I’m quite happy to sin and deal with the consequences, I’d prefer it if Jesus hadn’t patronized me before I was even alive by swaggering in like Charlie big potatoes and taking the responsibility for what I would later choose to do. Why should we be grateful for that? Aside from its pointless complexity and arbitrary violence, the crucifixion is basically a way of God saying he doesn’t think we’re capable of making informed choices, and are essentially too stupid to be allowed to accept the consequences of our own actions. So how exactly does free will work again?

  17. This is what happens when you try to turn an abstract concept into a simple and concrete story. You end up with logic holes you can fit Australia in.

    “You need to join my religion.”
    “Why?”
    “Because if you don’t, you’re going to be tortured for all eternity when you die”
    “Why will I be tortured?”
    “Because you have sinned.”
    “What if I never sin, but still don’t join your religion?”
    “It doesn’t matter, because your soul is stained from what the first people did.”
    “Well if I have sin anyway, how do I avoid damnation?”
    “Because God died for all of our sins.”
    “Wait, God died?! How did that happen?”

    You can see where this is going. Answers only lead to more questions. New explanations contradict previous ones. It is a vicious cycle that ends up leading nowhere.

    1. And how is Hell supposed to work as a threat if the person isn’t a Christian? If you don’t believe in God, why would you believe in Satan?

  18. I think these things are aimed almost entirely at children–thus the complete lack of things like ‘logic’. Almost anything aimed at kids is crappier than stuff aimed at adults, in part because kids haven’t fully developed their logical abilities, and so can’t *tell* that this stuff doesn’t make sense. So they’re intentionally manipulating people whom they *know* aren’t mentally capable of understanding their arguments.

    Of course, adding irony to despicability, these things *aren’t* aimed at unbelievers–true unbelievers are already lost. They’re aimed at people who are already Christians, intended to ‘convert’ them or further indoctrinate them in a more extreme branch of Christianity.

  19. No! You’re wrong! It’s SCIENCE FICTION that’s evil! Blue police phone boxes are tools of Satan!

    Oh yeah, God didnt look like he kicked Jesus off his cloud. I think it was just a super God-fart. Failing that, it was a Batman Action again.

  20. The Doctor Who reference was cause of the “Who’s killing kitty” line, but I fucked up the quotes lolz.

  21. They’re doing a spell do get better grades?!? Hahahahahah what? No, seriously, what?

    And then the teacher’s all like “don’t do witchcraft, do your homework!”. Best catchphrase ever. This is hilarious.

  22. God says, “hey, I don’t make the rules, I just work here.” Well, actually, I built the place, too. And I used to make the rules. But now I don’t! No, now I just work here. The CEO is a dick, I know! I personally hate the guy. But, I have to do my job. I’ve had a really long week, alright, and to save some time, you’re all just going to be what we like to call “guilty before me”. I know, I know, it sucks. But again with the “don’t make the rules/just work here bit.” Now get the hence, sinner.

  23. Rachael, this is probably really late, but I’m Presbyterian and was taught that the Holy Spirit was pretty much your conscience. I’m not really sure what other denominations say on the topic, but considering the Not-Like-Us vibes I pick up when Pentecostals are mentioned, I’m guessing my view is more standard.

  24. “that’s my fluffy” huh huh huh, i get it! he wants to stab her “fluffy”, huh huh huh! though in that case, it sounds like theyre about to do incest if he’s gonna stab her “fluffy”

  25. Notice how the teacher didn’t look particularly concerned about them killing the cat, but she jumped to her feet when she found out they were casting a spell?

    And neither the little girl nor the teacher seem at all in a hurry to save the cat. It’s dark out at the end of the tract, so that means – with the knowledge that kids are going to sacrifice a cat in her backyard – the teacher waits for it them to arrive, waits until the last moment when they raise the knife to kill the cat – and THEN stops them.

    And she doesn’t tell their parents that their kids were going to stab a cat to death. Nice.

  26. Due to the size of that cat I have arived to the conclusion that it isn’t an actual cat, but an aborted kitty fetus.

    And in the first panel the cat appears… WTF happened to that kid’s hand?!

  27. I also like the recurring aspect of “I have no idea who Jesus is, but if you even mention heaven, which is vaguely defined in all religions, I know exactly what you’re talking about and want to go there.”

  28. Well, according to Jack, anyone who’s not a fundamentalist has never heard of Jesus or God, no matter what religion they are (they all lie to you about Jesus, don’t’cha know?).

    Let’s just pray that Jack never decides to rip off Marvel’s art style for a Tract. Last thing we need is Professor Xavier preaching to Wolverine about Jesus and sin.

  29. Panel 27: lowercase “t” strikes again!

    Panel 40: STOP RIGHT THERE OCCULT SCUM! No one commits heresy on MY watch! I’m compensating your stolen kitties. Now do your homework, or its off to hell!

    <– chosen answer

    THEN PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD!

  30. So the teacher didn’t, you know, talk to the kids’ parents about how they were going to KILL AN ANIMAL? That’s considered one of three warning signs of sociopolitical behavior, y’know.

    I’m also wondering how they got a hold of a book of magic spells. Did they just take it out of the public library? And for shame Chick – you had the perfect chance to draw Harry Potter or the ankh or something similar on the cover and didn’t take it! I’m disappointed!

  31. “His name is Jesus and he dances on the sand.” Oh, God, I laughed so hard! I’m watching Duran Duran videos on YouTube, and now I won’t be able to hear the “Rio” lyrics any other way! X>D

    Do Fundies really believe that magic works? I mean, I know they believe prayer works, despite all evidence to the contrary, but most of them scoff at the notion that Harry Potter-type magic is real. It’s sort of like, “MY magical God is REAL, but your stupid witchcraft, Ouija Boards, and casting spells are all make-believe.” So why would Jack write these stories entirely based on the premise that magic is a real power that can be wielded if you do the right spells?

  32. okay,this does not make the least bit of sense.I’ve read numerous Chick Tracts but I’m still naive enough to think it can never get more stupid.They were going to kill the cat to get good grades.Why waste a perfectly good sacrifice on that when you could conjure up a million dollars or something?And why are they so afraid of the teacher?Why not just kill her through their “spoooky” magic?I mean,they haven’t heard of Jesus yet,they have a ritual ready,and they seem to dislike the teacher.Why not just kill the bitch with magic?

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