Chick Dissection | Flight 144

A couple spends 50 years on the mission field, trusting in their good works. But when they die and stand before God, they learn that good works can’t save… only Jesus can.

“[O]n the mission field”? Where is that? Is that in Idaho?

This one almost seems like self-parody. There’s no way anyone can believe this kind of shit with a straight face, and anyone who does should be locked up in a place where they can no longer hurt themselves or others.

How gross! HAR HAR HAR.

“There’s a man on the wing of this plane!”

Hah, this has got to be one of the best openings to a Chick Tract ever. I’d like to think her response is the result of some bizarre fourth-wall breakage that’s allowing her to look down and see all the remaining panels. “Oh, no! Not another Chick Tract!”

“Are we in TROUBLE?” If you looked out the window of an airplane and noticed the engine was consumed in fire and smoke, wouldn’t you just assume “trouble” and ask the subsequent questions about likelihood of survival, bracing positions, and things like that? And suddenly the window is on the other side of her seat.

Meanwhile, the tubby, mouth-breathing goon with headphones and the furiously bitchy, mustard-cunted, hipster librarian are apparently somehow completely oblivious to the fact that there’s an engine exploding right outside their window, even despite the tubby woman behind them wailing about it.

Wait a second, that’s the same woman, replying to her own question, muffling her voice with her hand!

Everything is under control. It’s perfectly normal that there’s a giant flower with a single, cyclopean eye and a long body made of curly, black hair engulfing the airplane engine.

I hate to nitpick, but do you know how extremely unlikely and rare airplane malfunctions like this actually are?


Oh, yeah, the crowds really gather to see those famous missionaries at airports.

Wow, Zambolo’s got some really lax airport security. “Okay, everyone! Swarm the plane and say goodbye!”

“We ALL love you! Except for Larry! He’s kinda ambivalent! And Natalie doesn’t know you yet because she just got here, but I’m sure she’ll love you when she finally meets you! And then there’s that retarded kid, Ralph! It’s hard to tell what he feels about anything! But NEARLY ALL of us love you!”

Wow, all these people are praying for them, and God’s not going to save them from the imminent plane crash? Why does God only answer the piddling, negligibly important prayers? If a little girl can briefly pray and receive divine instructions to save her from violent rape and murder, why can’t God answer the prayers of, what, like, thousands of people and do something as simple as making a plane operate as expected?

The lumpy woman with the newspaper is nervously eying the large-mouthed, horse-faced, “pretty” woman next to her, like her collagen-inflated lips are about to explode and splatter goo all over the place.

How did they know his name? How did they know his name?

“We only clothe the natives that are dear to us. There are many we don’t care much for. Some we’re just plain apathetic about. Depending on how non-dear a particular native is, they’ll either get ‘World’s Greatest Grandma’ long-sleeve t-shirts, Garfield shirts from the 80s, hot pants, second-hand breast-milk-stained oversize sports bras, or no clothes at all.”

It took them fifty years to build five schools and four hospitals? Were they doing it by themselves using only their feet? I mean, they claim God was helping, but he couldn’t have done much. I’m picturing him just leaning on a shovel, whistling and shouting come-ons at all the girls walking by on their way home from high school.

They’re flying Nondescript, Unmarked Airlines, looks like.

Yeah, I know the first thing I’d say to open a conversation is to discuss how I killed a guy.

The old lady mugging for the perspective is going to haunt me the rest of my days. Her expression seems torn between “Are pants supposed to have pudding in them?” and “What’s that scratching at the opening of my urethra?” with maybe a touch of “I’m suddenly apprehensive about my idea to keep my pet centipede in my sinus cavity” thrown in for good measure.

Check it out, it’s a smarm-off! Look at those smiles – you could grease a train axle with those things.

Ah, here’s the setup: Dude who killed a guy versus people who’ve dedicated their lives to doing nothing but good. GEE GOLLY FUCK, I WONDER WHERE THIS PLOT COULD BE GOING.


Yeah, the only reason anyone should be doing anything good is to acquire rewards in the afterlife. GIVE ME CROWNS! CROWNS TO STACK ATOP MY NON-CORPOREAL HEAD LIKE THE NUMBER OF BOWLS OF BRAND-X CEREAL I’D NEED TO EAT TO GET THE SAME AMOUNT OF FIBER AS ONE BOWL OF TOTAL! A large part of the problem I have with fundamentalist Christianity is that the entire thing seems to revolve around around concern with yourself. You do things to personally avoid going to hell. That’s the big motivation, really – protecting yourself from the threat of eternal punishment. It’s all very selfish. Though, I mean, that was Jesus’ message, right? “Fuck other people – only do things that will ultimately reward you.” I guess it is a rather effective tactic, though, appealing to a person’s self-preservation instincts.

“Have I mentioned how dear these people are? I don’t think I’ve been quite patronizing enough yet.”

This woman seems to always have a mildly disgusted and confused look on her face, like the interior of her intestines suddenly sprouted taste buds or something. Maybe the guy is casually shitting into her purse while they talk.

Wow, that was sudden… one engine fails and one explodes over the course of three lines of dialog. Not only that, but these people must speak incredibly slowly: If you look at the ogreish dicklump up in the first panel, he’s using headphones. They only let you use headphones after about ten or fifteen minutes into the flight, when the plane has reached an altitude of 10,000 feet. There have been only fifteen or sixteen lines of dialog since the missionaries were seated.

“Mwuhhhhhhhh.” Jack’s really good at cartoonishly disgusted looks.

So, basically, everyone should ignore the message of Jesus, which was essentially “help those in need and do good works for others”, and instead simply believe in him. That’s real Christianity. “It’s easy! We don’t have to do anything but believe!” What the cock is that shit? Seriously, I don’t get this. What was the point of Jesus even talking to anyone? If all that mattered was his death, why didn’t God just arrange to have him killed shortly after he exited the womb?

Oh, really? CRASH? ‘Cause, I mean, I don’t think I’d have been able to tell what was happening to the plane without that comic sound effect.

Holy fuck! Those are some insanely huge fish! Or maybe… does Jack not know that he doesn’t have to use models for low-budget special effects if he’s making an illustration?

According to research done on Mythbusters, episode 33, “Killer Brace Position and Cellphones vs Drunk Driving” (yes, I’m aware it’s not the absolute source of all information), only 20% of people involved in a plane crash die on impact. The rest die from subsequent complications like smoke inhalation, fire damage, and drowning. Even given that these passengers appear to be shifty-eyed paranoids, oblivious tubs of hair and fat, and Linda Tripp (see panel 1), one would think there would’ve been at least ONE person capable of deploying emergency rafts and exiting the aircraft in an abrupt water landing.

For instance, the CEO of the company I work for was involved in a plane crash about a year ago (the landing gear jammed up and they had to slide in on the belly of the plane), and he was perfectly all right – in good enough condition even immediately following the crash to stand up and exit on his own.

Then again, maybe this is what you get when you fly Unmarked, Anonymous Airlines.

So Ed doesn’t even have to bother being weighed and judged by God? This is inconsistent with other Tracts, where even the faithful characters have to stand before God for judgment. Maybe if it’s a busy day, the angels are told beforehand whether to bring someone before God? I dunno.

“Not just SOME of our good works, dear – ALL of them. Dear. Have… have I mentioned yet, dear, that things are dear to me? Do you hear me up there, dear angel? Dear! Dear dear!”

And again, let’s appeal to people’s greed and material desires! It’s what Jesus would’ve wanted!

Well, that doesn’t make sense. If God doesn’t know them, then he’s not exactly omniscient, is he? Unless they mean “know” in the Biblical sense. In which case… are people supposed to fuck God?

This is off-topic, but how come Harley owners never refer to their bikes as “Davidsons”?

*gasp* They’re nude! How DARE Jack depict nudity? WORK OF THE DEVIL! WORK OF THE DEVIL!

This scripture is taken completely out of context. Here’s the passage with context included (emphasis mine):

21: Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
22: Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23: And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
24: Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:
25: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.
26: And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
27: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.

Which, I mean, if you actually read it, seems to be saying: People who do the good works I’ve described will be allowed into heaven, whereas people who only claim to have done such good works won’t be.

I don’t see anything in there at all about the act of doing good things being meaningless. That is, unless you set up such a context yourself and only include lines 22 and 23. Which, erm… isn’t that what we’re seeing here? SHITS, YOU MEAN IF YOU TAKE SOMETHING IN THE BIBLE OUT OF CONTEXT AND PLACE IT INTO A DIFFERENT CONTEXT, IT CAN MEAN SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT? And, in fact, given line 21, it seems to imply almost the opposite of what Jack is trying to say, here. That is, not everyone who professes Jesus’ name will be allowed into heaven, but only those who do good works. So, uh, Q.E.D., muthafucka.

“We were GOOD people! We did everyth— oops. My pants have pudding again. And I’m not wearing any.”

Seriously, though, the guy sitting next to them killed someone. Murdered them in a drunken brawl. Actively destroyed another person’s life. And he goes to heaven simply because he decided to hold in his head the thought that he believed in Jesus? And people who spent fifty hears in Africa building hospitals and helping eliminate the misery of thousands of people are tortured for an eternity because they didn’t hold that one particular thought in their heads? I don’t… I just… this… God would have to be retarded. Seriously. There is no way an omnipotent being could demonstrate logic and reasoning capabilities that are easily surpassed by those of Corky from Life Goes On. I mean, come on.

I think that this, at least in part, is simply a way of reconciling the conservative attitudes toward the economy with the ability of one to consider themselves “Christian”. While Jesus actually said that people should be responsible for others in need, if you only take certain passages out of context, it makes it sound like only belief matters, and not good works. See, it’s an extremely easy way to convince yourself that you’re assured an eternity of pleasures, and you don’t have to do anything. What’s more, you can bring yourself to believe that nobody should ever pay taxes or help the poor, because good works don’t matter.

“I did ALL the work necessary. By which I mean: First, I created a planet with incredibly stupid, ignorant, and naive, but naturally curious creatures, and lied to them about what the fruit from a particular tree would do to them. When they disobeyed my instructions after being misled by a creature I allowed to exist and allowed to have contact with them (which is really an event that I set up to happen, since if I created time, I created all the events within time, and, thus, nothing happens that I didn’t set in motion) who was actually, oddly enough, telling them the truth about the effects of the fruit, I decided to punish not only them but their entire kind for the rest of time.

“See, I created, for whatever reason, two forms of existence for them: Corporeal and incorporeal. I made the corporeal particularly miserable, painful, and extremely challenging to deal with, and then I made it so that by default their incorporeal existence is an eternity of torture. There was no way for them to escape this, so I let them needlessly slaughter animals for a long time because they thought it might do them some good and, well, fuck, I’m just God, it’s not like I can undo what I’d done and go easier on them with an afterlife, or even just tell them the animal sacrifice was meaningless.

“Then, for whatever reason, I decided that the only way to cure them of this condition would be to have a version of myself manifest itself in corporeal form, and then let them kill it, and then tell them to hold a particular thought in their head that said ‘I believe in that guy we all killed’. It was the ONLY WAY. Of course, people had to know to do this to avoid the eternal punishment I created as their default afterlife, so I inspired a bunch of people to write a vague, self-contradicting story about all of it (these were different guys than the ones I’d inspired to write the first part, which is good because the new stuff conflicts quite a bit with the older stuff) and then let a bunch of people twist and interpret the text in a variety of ways.

“You see? I DID ALL THE WORK! ALL OF IT! *gasp* *snort* *fart* *splutter* *wheeze* *fap* *spurt*”

This illustration is horrifying. I think his face is swelling.

Erm, excuse me, uh, God? Yeah, uh, you didn’t say that – John did. You didn’t directly write anything in the Bible. Not even Jesus – it’s all second-hand accounts. And there’s evidence that a lot of stuff has been added to it to embellish it or to further the agendas of the organizations translating it. And was it you, God, then, who said: “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.” (I Timothy, 2:11)? If so, you’re an enormous asshole. Can I be cast into the corner of hell furthest from this little throne, here, when I die, please? Thanks in advance!

By the way, should we pay more heed to what Jesus was reported to have said about how we should do good works, or to another book of the Bible not having to do directly with a description of what Jesus reportedly said?

If God is really “the creator”, then nothing could exist without it being allowed for in God’s blueprint. That means that sin and evil and the possibility of engaging in both were created by God. If Adam and Eve really did bring them into the world of their own accord, then they possessed the same power of creation as God. And, thus, God wasn’t the creator, but merely a creator.

So God sentenced all of mankind to eternal torture for the actions of the first two, with no hope of escaping such an outcome. And Lucifer lusted after the throne of God. Uh… why is the former not considered “evil worthy of condemnation” while the latter is?

Is that… eggplant? And why does Eve always look so scheming and malicious? That depiction is nowhere to be found in the Bible.

Huh, never seen this before…


“Well, at least I don’t need glasses anymore, so eat me.”

This raises the question: What, exactly, constitutes “belief”? If you’re acting in the name of Jesus and the name of God, doesn’t that mean you believe in them? I mean, you wouldn’t, for instance, build a hospital in Jesus’ name if you didn’t believe in him. What more to it is there? Is there a specific phrase? A secret handshake? Do you have to mail something in? I don’t really understand.

“Uh, actually, God, if I may: You didn’t say anything at all in the Bible. It’s a piece of literature written entirely by the hands of man. Whether it’s your word or not can be nothing but mere speculation, as there’s no way to really demonstrate that anything that claims to be ‘the word of God’ actually is what it says it is. I could write ‘all first-born girls should be raped by grizzly bears’ on a bar napkin, and then write ‘this is the word of God’, and who’s to say that it’s not what it claims to be? This is the exact same argument your followers have been making about the authenticity of the Bible. Do you see how people might get a little confused or doubtful? No? Well, shit, then, I’m on my way to hell. At least I don’t have to play your goofy fucking guessing game anymore. Good riddance.”

Actually, you know, the motivations behind the whole “dying on the cross” thing are a little… unclear to me. Why would an omnipotent being have to do something so incredibly elaborate to accomplish its goals? It’s like if someone ate the bear claw I was saving for breakfast, and I decided that in order for me to be able to forgive them, I had to impregnate someone and have her carry the baby to term, and then somehow play a trick wherein the grandchild of the person who ate the bear claw ended up thinking they’d killed the baby. Why can’t I just outright fucking forgive them?

(While I was typing this, I almost typed “Bibile”. I think that’s my new favorite term for the teachings of fundamentalist Christianity: Bibile. Say it with me!)

*TOSS* Heh, I kind of like that, actually. They just sort of… fwoop! right off the edge of heaven. Though, when you think about it, heaven must be a pretty warm place, too, if the flames of hell are that close.

“On Dateline tonight, after Friends, ten surprising things in your home that may very well threaten the lives of you and your family. Be sure to watch or you may very well die!” That’s like all Christianity is is just a giant ad for evening news that plays upon people’s fears in order to draw in easily frightened viewers.

The moral of the story? Never do anything good for anyone, ever.

I guess there’s a certain logic to it in that I suppose it’d be hard to convert people who’d done a lot of horrible things in their lives to Christianity without implying that it doesn’t matter what they’ve done. Like, how are you going to get any of these apparently numerous, genuinely-converted, formerly-horrible people who are interested in Christianity to actually go through with converting if you don’t convince them that they can still be saved despite their actions?

But it’s a double-edged sword. At the same time, if actions don’t matter, then the implication is that people can get free passes to be just as horrible and murderous and destructive as they want, as long as they inevitably end up believing in Jesus before they die.

And probably the most frustrating part of this is that even the people who believe that good works are essentially meaningless are still obsessed with trying to control everyone else’s lives under the mistaken impression that they’re “doing good in the world”. If the actual works of believers are meaningless, then stay the fuck out of my bedroom.

Tune in next time, and tell your friends. (e.g. Please link to me from your blog, or print out Chick Dissections and hand them out down the sidewalk from the people on campus handing out the actual Chick Tracts themselves. We can’t afford them any more influence and propagation than what they already manage.)

72 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Flight 144”

  1. That last panel is kinda disturbing. I mean, if angels are supposed to be really good and nice, wouldn’t they feel a little bad about throwing people into everlasting fire and hearing them scream and all? Do they have a Celestial Counselling division up in heaven for all the traumatised angels or something?

  2. To make that last panel more amusing, and only if you are a basketball fan, imagine those angels throwing the old folk up, only to have another angel dunk them down into hell… Also known as the alley-oop, or rather, helly-oop

  3. Wait, weren’t they supposed to be missionaries? And aren’t missionaries, you know, religious by definition? These aren’t just aid workers, they’re people who seem to believe in God. How drunk was Chick when he wrote this?

  4. I like to think that the stewardess is being VERY sarcastic when she’s saying “No ma’am, EVERYTHING is under control.” Then I like to pretend she rolls her eyes and runs away screaming about how they’re all going to die.

  5. “I’m sorry, I hate to be a bother or anything, but is there supposed to be a fire billowing from the wing of this plane?”
    “No, ma’am. At least, not from that one.”

  6. ..I was a christian until I was about 12. Which is when I started going to a catholic school and actually learned about jesus, the bible, how I was dirty and sinful, etc.

    Seriously after reading about it and THINKING about their theology I’d just rather spend the rest of eternity as far away from that “god” cunt as possible. Good work as always dude.

  7. SO if I believe in JC,and cause genocide in his name cus I BELIEVE it was meant to be, I’ll go to heaven.
    I’m glad I can deal with this world and chaos in such a manner now

  8. 2 things about this that disturbed me:

    1. Chick usually depicts people like the missionaries as hypocrites- doing one thing but thinking another. These two, however, seemed to be sincere- they thought they were doing God’s work. So God will send you to Hell to be tortured for all eternity if you do what you think he really wants you to do? Very sick.

    2. “If good works could save, do you think I’d have suffered and died on the cross?” WTF does that mean? I still can’t wrap my mind around it- “I died so that you have to believe in me. If I wanted you to actually do what I said, I’d never have gone through all that pain”? I don’t know what he means.

    1. Six years later, I’ve come across this site, and I really have to agree with your comment there, Madpuppy (though I doubt you’ll ever read the reply).

      Chick is utterly TERRIBLE at writing people who are anywhere between the extremes of good-hearted and pure fundamentalist and HAW HAW HAW villain. Even the soon-to-be converts he writes up aren’t terribly realistic; they adapt to fundamentalism in seconds, making them seem like impressionable four-year-olds. The only characters with consistent personalities are the ones on one of those extremes.

      Except, in this tract, he finally does it. Aside from that “shut up” comment by one of the missionaries, he writes them consistently, and they’re neither fundamentalists nor bad people.
      This is so true that he writes the husband as, in the middle of realizing he’s about to be tortured for eternity, crying out in horror for the fates of OTHERS, not for their own, because those people’s fates are about to be the same as theirs.

      It’s like Chick stepped out of his usual bubble of us/them radical extremes and into actual reality – it’s proof that he CAN understand and accept that there are good people outside the repressive umbrella of fundamentalism – and it STILL doesn’t change his beliefs.

      In that way, it’s more horrifying than even the Lisa tract, given that the characters in this one are a hundred times more believable than anyone in Lisa.

      And when I saw the part about “No! I did ALL the work necessary for salvation”, I had to stop and stare at the panel openmouthed for a while.

      Because then it also puts Lisa into a whole new light.

      He’s outright saying that earthly suffering and pain doesn’t matter. Not that it doesn’t matter IN COMPARISON TO the afterlife, but that it doesn’t matter at all, under any circumstances.

      That panel where the husband holds his wife, glaring angrily at their cruel judge, seconds before being thrown into eternal torture… there is no more fitting panel for this.

  9. Chick is full of shit, him and the rest of the fundies who believe that everyone but themselves, and possibly a few others, are going to hell. What idiocy!

    You should try disecting ‘The Missing Day’ next. It’s a pretty horid tract about how Thanksgiving is somehow a christian holiday.

    As for Christ’s dying on the cross for our sins, I agree that it does seem pretty elaborate, but I believe William Langland’s Piers Plowman, Passus 20 explains it fairly well.

    The basic idea is that due to Lucifer’s deception he now had domain over the earth and every soul in it. In order to undo what Lucifer had done, God had to play a trick on Lucifer himself, so he was born on earth as a mortal man and like all mortals Lucifer attempted to tempt him to do what he knew was wrong for once he did one thing wrong, Lucifer would have his soul. Christ, though, was very familiar with Lucifer’s trickery and managed to avoid his traps.

    Lucifer began to see that Christ was no ordinary man but he was still unaware of who he really was. It wasn’t until Christ had died on the cross that Lucifer realized who Christ really was and what he had just allowed to happen. He realized that he had been tricked. After all, the very thought of an immortal, omnipotent being giving up his immortality to live among humans and die for them was unthinkable to Lucifer.

    Since Christ died a mortal man he, like the other souls, descended into hell, but since he died in a state of purity Lucifer had no authority over him and thus he kept his powers. Once he reached the gates of hell he tore open the gates and released every imprisoned soul he choose, basically any good person who had died before Christ’s coming, which would include the prophets, Moses, Adam and Eve and others. The rest were kept in hell and Lucifer was punished for his deception. Then, the resurection happened and Christ was able to bring the souls back up to heaven along with himself Thus ending Lucifer’s dominance over the earth.

    The basic idea is that, “it takes a trick to undo a trick.”

    Well, at least that’s what I believe, you can take it or leave it, but it is better than the shit Chick puts out. Anyway, I can’t wait to see the next disection, whatever it’s going to be about.

    1. So God can be tricked and is therefore not omniscient? Or Lucifer tricked humans in this scenario? Why then would GOD (ALL CAPS) who both supposedly created and is superior to anything and everything in existence (including Lucifer) need to resort to trickery himself? I mean, this is an entity capable of simply declaring fundamental forces into existence, right? why the charades and shadow puppets? Why not just send Lucy to the corner, slap a new coat of paint on the universe, say, “It is Fixed”, and call it Miller time?

      It’s a close call between this and ‘The Last Generation’ for my “favorite” tract but ultimately I think I’ve got to go with ‘Flight 144’. It’s got nowhere near the entertainment factor of TLG (that inspired piece brings me to HAW HAWS!! every time) but it does a great job pointing out exactly why I find being an atheist preferable to believing in a petty, self-aggrandizing, narrow-minded, willfully cruel and abusive entity such as being portrayed here (and in so many other places across the world). In fact, Heaven here sounds pretty shitty, its a bunch of mansions filled with proselytizing ex-cons and people who were only in it for the money; like Beverly Hills without a Prada.

      TL;DR – Boobies.

  10. If Jesus loved everyone so much, why would he pick and choose which souls to bring out? Wasn’t the point of the whole thing that he could save EVERYONE?

    Myself, I sorta like to think that if there IS a Hell, it’s not permanent. In a lot of near-death experiences, people have apparently claimed to have been told that Hell is just a temporary state, inflicted by the soul’s own guilt, until the soul works out what it did wrong and repents. I’m not discarding the notion that NDEs are some sort of mass hallucination (it’s possible – that’s one theory for alien abductions) but it’s sorta comforting.

    So back to the Tract. Okay, so people go to Hell for not believing in Jesus. So, that means that people will go to Hell because they, for example, died before they were old enough to understand words and grasp the idea of Jesus. Or because they died before Jesus was born. Or because they were otherwise born into a place and time – eg, pre-fourteenth-century America, in which it was impossible for them to hear of the message. This being because God put them there.

    Right. If God turns out to actually be anything like that, I think I’ll be happy to join Lucifer’s legions for the Apocalypse. As Jabberwock has pointed out, Lucifer didn’t really seem to do an awful lot except try to take the throne of God, and if God’s really like this, maybe Lucifer would be a better ruler. At least Lucifer was fucking consistent and comparatively logical. (I’m not converting to Satanism, though – as far as I know Lucifer actually is the bad guy. As it is, I’ll stick to hoping God isn’t like this, and sticking up for what I believe is right in the hope that either something up there is sane enough to realise that’s what I’m doing, or that in fact there is nothing up there, in which case it won’t matter.)

  11. What disturbs me the most (or, well, nearly the most) is that fundamentalists are so quick to point out one thing or another being “a trick of Satan”, but they’ve apparently never considered that the Bible might be. Fossils, for instance, are apparently a “trick of the devil”, and supposedly if you don’t agree and you think evolution actually exists, you’re a horrible person who’s going to go to hell. There’s nothing about comparing the observable world to itself and drawing conclusions from it that’s “evil”, and doing so doesn’t necessarily have any impact on the direction of a person’s spirituality.

    Meanwhile, there’s the Bible, which in part promotes belief in an extremely petty, actively malicious and demonstrably evil entity. Why can Satan affect the fossil record and other parts of observable reality, but not a particular book? Ultimately, would it really matter what the name is of the person they were believing in? Especially if the belief influences their actions in this life, leading them to, for instance, attack gays and spread hatred and ignore doing anything good for other people – all things that seem to conflict quite a bit with any definition of “good”, regardless of whether the definition is derived from a utilitarian or religious perspective.

  12. I guess all you can really do is take the bits of the Bible which might have some validity (eg “Do unto others” etc – which was actually said by Confucius a couple of centuries beforehand, but the Bible deserves some credit for spreading it) and hope that God doesn’t really consider that it’s moral to, for example, throw your daughter and maidservant outside to distract the mob while an angel escapes. (That actually is in the Bible. Story of Lot, who, by the way, was supposedly the “only good man” left in Sodom. By what kind of standards?) Or, say, send two bears to kill forty-two children whose only crime was referring to the prophet Elisha as the Hebrew equivalent of “baldy”. (That’s in there too.)

    The Bible does have SOME good ideas, but they’re kinda eclipsed in the stuff like that, and I’ve decided to simply refuse to be associated with it. I’d like to believe there’s a God. Just not THAT one, thank you. If God sends me to Hell for that, was he really worth believing in anyway?

    While on this topic, I recommend that people read this;

  13. Ed helped one man find Jesus, hell, I didn’t even know he was missing… dum bum ching! Sorry…. Great job again, Josh. By the way, didn’t that first panel sort of remind you of the “Twilight Zone” with Shatner?
    I have to admit, Chick has confused the hell out of me (maybe now I’m saved?) as he has these old believers dying after 50 years of sacrificing themselves and wasting their time building hospitals for lepers. They should have just retired to Florida and built casinos for bluehairs–they then would have at least had a fighting chance. I must thank Chick for helping me feel a little less guilty. I guess there is still hope for me because I haven’t even built a shit house for someone with as much as a cold sore. Don’t anyone waste time praying either because it
    only helps if Grandma does it for drug addict whores. I wonder what the world would have been like if God didn’t make defective firsts like Adam and Eve? Wait, does that mean that God isn’t perfect because he made man in his image and they fucked up? WHAT?! The next time anyone wants to scream something out during orgasm they better start saying
    “Oh, Jesus!” instead of “Oh, God!” Only Jesus saves, yelling to his Dad is just a waste of breath.

  14. The more I try to figure out what the Hell Jack Chick is trying to say with this thing, the less it makes sense. At first it seems to be a variation on his favorite theme that God will forgive anything except using the wrong name when you talk to him, or chosing not to believe in him at all (which is understandable, since any god(s) that might exist are, by definition, outside of human knowledge and cannot be defined, proven or disproven by any means we possess)–which always strikes me as being remarkably petty for a being of unfathomable love and mercy. But wait a minute–the two missionaries are obviously Christian. They refer to “God” (not YHWH or Allah or Buddha or whathaveyou), not in a colloquial sense but as a force that they truly believe guides and aids them. Furthermore, they’re actually living in accordance with that belief (unlike the Ted Haggards of the world)–feeding the poor, tending the sick, doing all that stuff Jesus said we do for him when we do it for those who need it most. So why the firey pit? Because they didn’t try to forcibly convert the heathen while they were out there? Is God some kind of cosmic Amway representative who only cares how many people are in your pyramid scheme? And wait a minute, isn’t witnessing a “work”–one of those things that Chick says won’t save us no matter what? I think the message is that anyone who doesn’t believe exactly what Jack Chick does is going straight to Hell–in which case, most if not all the people I’d want with me in the afterlife are there already.

    Long-time fan, first-time poster. Keep it up. May I recommend “The Nervous Witch”? That’s the one where reading Harry Potter leads to demonic posession, doing Satanic rituals in one’s bedroom, etc.

  15. Crane – St. Thomas Aquinas, I believe, logically proves that people in heaven, including angels, get to observe the torments of those in hell and enjoy them. Thus again proving that the saved are smug bastards and you’d always rather hang out with the damned. In fact, isn’t that living in this world – constantly bearing misery by having people around to commisserate?

  16. Thank you very much for dissecting this horrible tract.

    “This is Flight 144”. Please tell me I’m not the only person who imagined the pilot saying that in a “This is the Colbert Report!” voice.

    This guy is a missionary, and he’s called REVEREND Davidson. Um… why is he going to Hell? Didn’t he do everything according to what Jack Chick said? I mean, he must have been a pretty serious Christian. At least that’s the impression I got.

    Jesus’ message was not “BELIEVE IN ME BECAUSE OTHERWISE EVERYTHING ELSE YOU’LL DO WILL BE MEANINGLESS!” There was actually a lot of stuff in there about helping people.

    And, given how kind and sweet Jack Chick’s Asshole God apparently is, I’m right now imagining that Jack Chick ain’t going to go to a very pretty afterlife for twisting the message and trying to convince people that helping the less fortunate is absolutely pointless.

  17. No no no no no no no. The missionaries are already believers: they make this clear in the early panels. It’s not their belief that’s the problem; it’s the fact that they DIDN’T GET ANYONE ELSE into God’s great pyramid scheme that’s caused them to be tossed into the Pit Of Yaaaaah. See, to get into Heaven, you have to convert people. Like the murderer guy did. Otherwise it’s crispy fries for you.

    But converting people is intimidating and difficult, not least because you might have to spout crap like this while people are looking at your face. So the best and easiest way of converting is … TRACTS!

    Yes tracts. 15 cents each from, available in packages of 25. Buy enough of them and you’re guaranteed* not to go to Hell.

    Chick makes me sick. He makes his money frightening little old ladies and stupid people.

    *Lifetime guarantee: void when death do us part.

  18. Flight 144 was one of the first Chick tracts I came across…and the one that convinced me Chick was a certifiable lunatic. Absolutely loved the dissection, especially “My pants have pudding again. And I’m not wearing any.”

    On a completely unrelated note…I love that messageboard Chelonian linked to. Cool place.)

  19. Have you dissected “The Deceived” yet? The one that exposes Islam as being a Catholic conspiracy? As bizarre as many of his claims are, that one has got to take the cake… Also there’s an amusing one where he exposes Mormonism as being a modern-day form of Baal worship (which I discussed here.

  20. Breathing Meat: by that logic … let us assume that people really are gullible enough to be converted by these stupid comics. Eventually, in several generations, the entire human race will be converted. Then, they will all go to Hell, because there won’t be anyone left for them to convert to save their own souls.

    I’m really looking forward to going to Hell now. I’ll be able to point and giggle at Chick’s followers. And besides, I’d probably get on better with Satan than with Faceless Creepy God. I hear the Adversary plays a mean violin. (And, according to the comic that the board I linked to was set up to discuss, he likes to take the form of a rather cuddly-looking blue skunk, who looks ominously like the character the artist uses to represent himself.)

  21. hey, my girlfriend Nimue brought your site to my attention. I’ve enjoyed a lot of your previous articles, and I think your powers of criticism are improving. Inthe past, I felt you were missing the mark here and there, but in this article I think your aim is almost 100% on target. I’d love to chat sometime about theory of criticism and reason and such. Not that I’m formally educated or anything, I’m just a tremendously critical guy who is devoted to objective truth.

    I’d love to get an email from you sometime.

  22. Chelonianmobile: I guess we’ll all have to have brief conversions to Islam or Catholicism so that we give each other opportunities to convert us back to the good ol’ straight-and-narrow?

    Anyway, who gives a fuck what happens in several generations’ time? By that point either the world will have ended in a hail of frogs and stars, or we’ll be dead and it will be other people’s problem how they get into Heaven. What is it to us? Our arses will already be saved.

    By that time, Chick will have long since shuffled off the old M.C. and will no longer be selling these tracts. With no reliable means of converting people, anyone alive in those days will be doomed anyway.

  23. I’m still sort of confused as to what the message of this tract is.

    In the beginning, the Davidsons didn’t save anyone, which is apparently why they went to Hell.

    Faceless, Creepy God later said “Those who place their faith in Me, Jesus Christ, receive this gift.” So, evidently, all you need to be is Christian.

    Also, I find it hard to believe that anyone with the title of Reverend didn’t manage to convert a single person throughout their entire 50 years of missionary work. I mean, sure, they apparently didn’t march around going “BELIEVE IN OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, YOU HEATHENS, OR ELSE YOU WON’T GET ANY OF OUR CHARITY!” but I can’t imagine there was not a single instance in which they told someone that it was because of the teachings of Jesus Christ that they decided to do this missionary work.

    In closing, Jack Chick needs to decide on what the fuck the point of his tracts are supposed to be.

  24. the point of the chick tracts is that everyone’s evil and going to hell unless they convert to his particular brand of christianity (preferably through a tract) and then encourage others to do the same.
    thus selling a shitload of tracts.
    or maybe it’s that “jesus loves all of us-the Muslims, the menstruating females, the abortion-performing doctors” and the selling tracts and scaring the shit out of people thing is just a horrible, horrible mistake?

  25. This is probably the absolute worst Chick tract yet. I’ve read all of your dissections thus far (and loved them all – the dissections not the comics -) but this comic is just… horrendous. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and I can’t get the vision of that old lady blankly staring at me with fudge in her pants out of my head.

  26. Man, that tract is moronic even for Chick. I’m completely confused–if the missionary people were doing “God’s work”, it’s kind of implied that they believe in Jesus, ergo, are going to heaven? Just because they didn’t tell other people how to get saved doesn’t mean that they are not saved, does it? Because getting other people saved would be works…? Damn. What a stupid stupid tract. Chick has really outdone himself with the idiocy in this one.

  27. Reason #23 why I could so easily become a fundie: relief from secular humanist guilt for not doing more charity work!

  28. Just looking over the tract again because there’s something about it that just nags at me, and boggles my mind. In the last three panels featuring the couple before they’re tossed into the garbage disposal, they come off as very sympathetic, and set against an angry, malicious tyrant with a short fuse. The old man is horrified at thinking of good people going to hell. Next, he hugs his crying wife and looks at the god of hate like he wants to start another revolt. I suspect people who have empathy for other’s feelings would generally side with the old couple, not the tyrant.

    I think about Jack Chick’s inspiration, which seems to be war-era Communist propaganda tracts, which were perhaps even less sophisticated than Chick’s. While I am no expert on propaganda techniques, I strongly suspect that making the “villain” appear as a sympathetic protagonist — while the “hero” seems enraged, vicious, and sadistic — is not a particularly effective storytelling technique. The only thing that would have clinched the tract would have been in the reformed killer elf were as vindictive as Chick portrays God to be.

  29. Randy; that’s kinda making me suspect that either Chick is mind-bogglingly stupid in more ways than his Hypochristianity thing, that this tract was guest-written by someone who hates Chick and he okayed it without reading it, or that he’s just slipping it in there to see how stupid the tracts have to be before people stop going “wow, I believe in Jesus now!”

  30. While I’m A Christian,I’m Not A Fundamentalist,
    Therefore,I’ve Never Quite Understood Why Karla Faye Tucker Suddenly Became”Born Again”And assk That Her Life Be Spared,While People Like the Elderly Folks In The Comic Who Were Good Folks Go To Straight To Hell!!

  31. Jabberwock: I am impressed with the high quality of your critiques.

    This tract is a classic example of how Fundamentalists like Chick yank bible verses out of context to fit with their own preconceived notions. Here are some examples from this tract:

    The former murderer escapes judgement because he “accepted Jesus as Lord”. The idea that someone who “believes” will not be judged by God is found nowhere in scripture.
    Even those who get in to heaven will be judged before they gain entry: according to scripture.

    Chick claims that God said “I did all the work necessary for salvation when I died on the cross”. Yet in the Bible Paul (Collosians 1:24) states “Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ”.
    When the rich young ruler asked Jesus how to follow him Jesus commanded the man to do a work: “Sell all that he had and give to the poor” and the young ruler was distraught and went away. Jesus did not say “Just believe with faith alone because I’m going to do it all on the cross and you will not be judged”

    Chick loves throwing other people into hell even though the Bible he claims to follow says “Judge not lest ye be judged, condemn not lest ye be condemned” It is like he gets a boner off it or something, maybe Mr. Chick is where the phrase “Jacking off” came from

  32. Revelation 20:12-13

    And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Also another book was opened, the book of life. And the dead were judged according to their works, as recorded in the books. And the sea gave up the dead that were in it, Death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and all were judged according to what they had done.

    Perhaps Chick missed this passage as he was jumping from one end of the Bible to the other, valiantly trying to piece together a point.

    And as long as we’re on the subject of literal interpretation, let’s hope Chick’s one of the mere 144,000 that will achieve final salvation, or did he miss that verse too? (Revelation 7:4)

  33. I would just like to point out that the hell-bound missionary’s wife looks like Jocelyn Wildenstein. God should consider being married to her as an ample replacement for hell.

  34. oh my god that woman’s face aahaaahahahaha, that is so fucking funny. Funniest thing on a Chick tract hahahahaha.

  35. Just because the owner of this site does not like God’s Word and plan of salvation through Christ…doesn’t make it untrue.

    The point–which the site owner clearly missed in his nit-picking–is that while good works are clearly good (1 John tells us that “faith without works is a useless, dead faith), it is NOT the crux of salvation.

    Getting your sins forgiven is easy: 1) repent and confess to God that you have sinned, and tell Him you are truly sorry, 2) accept God’s son, Jesus, gift of His life for your sins, 3) Be glad of heart, for you now have eternal life and will go to heaven. 4) Go forth and do good works, and try to not sin.

  36. Gee, WWW, you sure told us off! I mean, I guess we’ll have to stop flipping off the sky and yelling, “God, I believe you exist, but I hate you out of my selfishness!”

    Those three paragraphs now show me that Evangelical Christianity is the one religious dogma that’s literally true. In fact, I now believe Jesus and God both are real existant personalities, Jesus took over the role of God from God, that they’re both love, and that the best way to show love is to torture people eternally.

  37. I’d just like to point out that there very well MIGHT be a reason why Eve looks so scheming and malicious: The bible puts the introduction of sin into the world squarely on Eve’s shoulders. Sure, the snake tricked her, but it ends up looking like this:

    Snake: “HISS. Somehow, I can speak! HISS. Here, have this apple. HISS.”
    Eve: “Hey, sure, why not?” NOMNOMNOM, “Delicious! Here Adam, have this apple that I got off a tree that that voice in the sky said not to!”
    Adam: “Ok, sure. And while you’re at it, make me a sammich, woman.”
    Eve: “Oh, you. Right away, darling.”
    Adam: NOMNOMNOM.
    “It was her, Lord! She made me do it!”
    God: “Oh, well, lets just go over to her.”
    God pulls off the mask that she is wearing, out pops some horrible woman/monster.

    Hundreds* of years later, Jack Chick pops out another tract, in which Eve is evil looking.

    But seriously, Eve probably looks all evil for a good reason.

    *-Yes, only hundreds. Or should I say 6000?

  38. Chick of course conveniently ignores the passages that state good works ARE the passage to heaven. They are Matthew 5:20, Matthew 12:37, Matthew 16:27, Matthew 19:17, Matthew 25:41-46, Luke 10:26-28, John 5:29, Romans 2:6, 13, 2 Corinthians 5:10, 2 Corinthians 11:15, James 2:14, James 2:17, James 2:21-25, 1 Peter 1:17m Revelation 2:23, Revelation 20:12-13, and Revelation 22:14 asll clearly state that salvations is through good works.

    Matthew 19:17, Matthew 25:41-46, John 5:29, James 2:14, and James 2:17 in particular deep six Chick real fast as they all state the exact opposite of what he claims in this tract.

  39. Wait, the couple goes to hell because they did good works for Jesus, but he claims that they didn’t accept him because they did things i his name. He says all the good works mean nothing as he made salvation when he died on the cross. if so, why is there conflict in Darfur, Aids, Cancer, Robbery, Rape, Murder, and Fundamentalists who act like dicks to everyone who is not one of them?

  40. I always thought this tract could be the sequel to “A Demon’s Nightmare” tract. the youth in “A Demon’s Nightmare” is actually a young Mr. Davidson. As that tract ends, it is revealed that he is a Missonary in Asia. Fast-forward 50 years to this tract, and Mr. Davidson has married, committed 50 years of his life to creating better living conditions through his ministry in Africa, dies, and goes to Hell anyway. Haw Haw Haw.

  41. As I understand it, Chick claims to be Lutheran—and I was confirmed into that church myself. From what I remembered (this was back when dinosaurs roamed the earth; Chick knew they were contemporaneous with people, don’t’cha know) a lot of the “faith, NOT works!” stuff was a reaction to the medieval church—where you could buy “indulgences” for sins with money. This was satirized in The Black Adder, in “The Archbishop;” Brother Baldrick is explaining to Blackadder (who’s been named Archbishop of Canterbury by his father, the King) that there’s a sliding scale of indulgences, ranging for one that sells for one egg, forgiving some very minor sin, on up to a very expensive one forgiving all sorts of horribleness…signed by all three Popes.

    “Justification by faith” is a lot more complicated than this, but that’s where it comes from. Chick’s trying to get the idea across, but he’s no theologian, and since his stroke, he’s been more than a bit nuts anyway.

  42. I don’t know how the lutheran faith is in the US – but this horrific garbage that Chick tells us in his tracts has absolutely nothing to do at all with Lutheranism how it is teached here in Germany (after all, Luther’s birth country) and the rest of the protestant countries in Northern Europe.
    Most Protestants here don’t even believe in the existence of the devil and hell. It goes more like every person on the planet gets saved anyway unless somebody forcefully rejects to become a resident of heaven.
    It’s like Jesus saying to a mortal: “Ok, you just died, here I am, I forgive you anyway if you accept me, so come with me to heaven!” and then the mortal grabs the nearest tree and yells: “No, no! I won’t come with you under any circumstances because even now that I know that there is a paradise and that I can enter it, I don’t want to be saved!” In which case Jesus responds: “Ok, then you will continue existing on some other plane than heaven but it won’t be hell and there won’t be any fires but it will still be really hard for you because you won’t be at my side.” (I might add that many Protestants don’t quite understand how somebody possibly couldn’t completely fall in love with Jesus if he witnesses him and that “not being with Jesus” isn’t hard at all for people who don’t care about him.
    Of course, there are also some Protestants who claim that you can only be redeemed if you accept Jesus while on Earth, and who, if asked about what happens if you die without knowing anything about Jesus (like, for example, every native American before the arrival of Columbus) go all about “Eeeeermmm…” and “Let’s change topics, please!” (See, they don’t believe in hell so basicelly they have absolutely no idea where all those people go.)
    To make it short, Lutheran Protestantism here in Europe doesn’t make much sense from a Non-Protestants’ perspective either, but I guess it’s a whole lot more sympathetic than Chick’s “Satanic conspiracy on earth/eternal damnation in the afterlife”-world.

    But than again, this is all meaningless anyway because according to Chick, Germany is going to unite with Russia, march against Israel and be destroyed before the Gates of Jerusalem. Go, Blitzkrieg!

  43. I could make tons of jokes about how William Shatner wasn’t there to shoot the airplane gnome because of post-9/11 security….but instead, I’ll just say this. In panel 17, the guy’s mouth is turning into a Hitler mustache.

  44. Let me assure you that not all Christians are as pushy or out there as Chick is. He doesn’t speak for me, nor a lot of other Christians. I dare say he doesn’t speak for most of us. Please don’t lump us all in the same category just because this fool has gotten his name out there and has become a face of Christianity.

  45. Wait! The tract left off before the other guy on the plane got to heaven and God said, “I was naked, but you did not clothe me, etc. Plus you killed a dude!”


  46. Okay, I have said that “The Gunslinger” was the most horrible of Jack’s comics, but seeing this one makes me have my doubts…

    So God doesn’t care that we’re good people if we’re not nutjobs who worship him 24/7. If God was really like that I wouldn’t worship even if I had proof he was real.

    Well, I beleive there is a God, and that he’s not the psychopath, faceless prick that appears in Jack Chick’s craps.

  47. My dad explained the whole thing to me in a way that kinda-sorta made some sense: Okay, so you believe in Jesus, and you regularly ask him to forgive your sins, right? BUT every time Jesus forgives sins in the Bible, he say “Go and sin no more.” You have to repent of your sins and actively try to follow the word of the Bible in order to demonstrate that you really believe.

    My dad has a Master of Divinity degree from Yale Divinity School, so of course, being a Christian with some actual logic and sense, chose to be very left-wing, and vote Democratic. I myself am borderline Communist, having gone a little further over than he did. These right-wing “Christians” seem to believe the old saying, “the Lord helps those that help themselves,” despite the fact that it never appears in the Bible and, in fact, FLIES RIGHT IN THE FACE OF THE BIBLE. If anything, the Bible teaches that the Lord helps those who CAN’T help themselves. Basically, the fundies are FUCKED. This whole “end times” thing is bullshit too. The Bible doesn’t say “in the next 100 years”. It could be talking geologic time. God is supposed to be an OMNIPOTENT, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING ENTITY. What’s “right around the corner” for him could be a bazillion years from now. You shouldn’t repent because “the end is RIGHT FUCKING THERE guys, I can see it, it’s srsly gonna happen tomorrow”. You should repent because it COULD happen tomorrow, or fifty bajillion years from now, and, being the pathetic meatbag you are, you have NO WAY OF KNOWING.

    I’m Wicca, myself, but I grew up in one of those rare combinations between a Christian household and a logical household.

    My dad also has a very sensible explanation for the whole thing about Satan and Hell. Notice that Satan is never mentioned at all in the Old Testament except for a few books like Job that were almost certainly written around the time of Christ. Now, the name “Satan” comes from a Hebrew word meaning “enemy”. The enemy of God is sin. Satan, therefore is not necessarily a separate entity, but is, in fact, simply the inherent human quality known as sin, that we are guilty of from time to time. It gained a personification sometime between the time the Israelites were exposed to Greek influence and the time that the Romans marched in and the whole crucifixion thing happened, and the personification’s origins trace back to Greek polytheism. Basically, Satan the being is a product of human error. As for Hell, my dad examined a number of interesting passages (completely in context) and believes that the SIN goes to Hell, not the sinner. It’s stripped off of you at death, and the only pain felt is the emotional pain of seeing everything you poured your life into fade into obscure meaninglessness, and then you’re in heaven, and it doesn’t matter. Gays AREN’T going to Hell; their sexual orientation is. Muslims AREN’T going to Hell; their faith will simply be stripped from them.

    As for the Garden of Eden: the Bible was set down in words by man. ASSUMING divine inspiration, God would be smart enough to know that the whole evolution thing, as well as the Big Bang, would be WAY too much for these people to fathom at their current point.

    There’s ALSO another possibility, that makes A LOT of sense: the creation story is nothing more than a myth made up by man. Weirdly enough, the Babylonians can sort of back this one up, by NOT SUPPORTING IT ALL: the Judeo-Christian creation story is, in many respects, a point-by-point refutation of the Babylonian creation story, from the Inuma Aelish (I hope I transliterated that right; I’ve never seen it spelled). The Aelish says that there was a council of gods, and one of them rebelled to make mankind as slaves; the Torah/Bible suggests that there was only ever one God who made mankind as pets, objects of his affection (the tree doesn’t QUITE fit in logically with that, but it was written before most of the great logicians were ever born, so you have to give them a bit of a break).

    It IS strange that a great many ancient religions had myths involving huge floods, but their existence in other faiths suggests that many, many more people survived than just Noah and his family, which renders all the myths mutually exclusive, despite their similarities. I don’t think a descendant of Noah would just make up his own religion and sell a whole bunch of people on it…well, actually, hold on, that exactly what L. Ron Hubbard did, fuck…and then use the flood he’d witnessed to inspire new myths…shit, maybe the fundies do have a loophole there, but, of course, none of the flood myths can be proven. Anyway, the idea of all life being wiped out except for that in the Middle East kind of kills the idea of there being people in the western hemisphere, unless there really IS continental drift, and the Bering land bridge DOES fit in with fundie illogic, but, of course, they argue that the current state of landmasses is a result of redistribution caused by the flood, which is ludicrous (where did the water go, by the way? I asked a fundie, and she said it went into the oceans, then I explained that no, that doesn’t work, because the water, by definition, covered the entire Earth, and, due to liquid physics, would have to be evenly distributed, so it was already higher than Everest, and therefore already covering the modern oceans, and she just looked at me funny, and couldn’t see what I was driving at).

    Anyway, whether Christianity’s right or wrong, though, there’s no fucking way that assholes like Jack are right.

  48. P. S. Sorry for the giant space-wasting rant, I know no one’s going to read it anyway all the way over on this page. I’ll copypasta parts of it to the next dissection, if that’s okay.

  49. Myself, I sorta like to think that if there IS a Hell, it’s not permanent. In a lot of near-death experiences, people have apparently claimed to have been told that Hell is just a temporary state, inflicted by the soul’s own guilt, until the soul works out what it did wrong and repents. I’m not discarding the notion that NDEs are some sort of mass hallucination (it’s possible – that’s one theory for alien abductions) but it’s sorta comforting.

    I think that’s somewhat like the Catholic idea of purgatory.

    and hope that God doesn’t really consider that it’s moral to, for example, throw your daughter and maidservant outside to distract the mob while an angel escapes. (That actually is in the Bible. Story of Lot, who, by the way, was supposedly the “only good man” left in Sodom. By what kind of standards?)

    Probably by the standards of Sodom. I think what we’re supposed to get is that Lot was bad, but was a saint by the standards of Sodom, so that’s why he got out.

    Or, say, send two bears to kill forty-two children whose only crime was referring to the prophet Elisha as the Hebrew equivalent of “baldy”. (That’s in there too.)

    Maybe someone can confirm something for me: I saw someone claim that the phrase they used (“go on up, you baldhead”) could be used as threatening; that is, “go on up” means die and go up to heaven, so his actions were possibly self-defense. I don’t know if that’s true or not, not knowing any ancient Hebrew.

    And as long as we’re on the subject of literal interpretation, let’s hope Chick’s one of the mere 144,000 that will achieve final salvation, or did he miss that verse too? (Revelation 7:4)

    That’s taking it out of context. Only a few verses later, it says there’s a lot more who get saved than that, in 7:9. Revelation 14 seems to suggest that the 144,000 get some kind of “special status”, but they’re not the only ones to be saved. Revelation is one doozy of a document, of course, but at most it seems to say that these 144,000 get some kind of special status; I don’t see anywhere that says they’re the only ones who get saved.

    Replies aside, this tract is honestly baffling. What’s Chick trying to say? That only faith will get you into Heaven…but even if you have faith, you don’t get in? Huh? It’s mind-blowing. He contradicts himself multiple times in this tract. It seems he’s going for a “if you don’t evangelize, you’re in trouble” but then doesn’t bring that up again, and goes with “if you don’t have faith, you’re doomed”, kind of ignoring he established they did have faith. So the moral this tract ends up with: Make sure you have faith, but don’t actually try to do anything good, or else you won’t be relying on the faith.

  50. you guys are so biased to the full of sh*t point..I can travel the web for years I never came across religious people banging on,,,what are you? unbelievers? agnostics? smart? well trained? (yes, very well) something of value/utile Internet Parrots! Zeros to the left!
    find scripture of you sizes LOL

  51. From reading these tracts and more, it seems that the only people who would actually be on Jack’s side are gullible idiots or violent opportunists, while all the smart and logical people will be against him all the way.

  52. “And people who spent fifty hears in Africa building hospitals and helping eliminate the misery of thousands of people are tortured for an eternity because they didn’t hold that one particular thought in their heads?”

    Ah, but they DID think the same thought as Ed did. They’re missionaries after all, right? In fact, the tract is self-defeating, because the good works described are done with Jesus in mind. Double-whoops.

  53. “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are saved it is the power of God.”

    1 Corinthians 1:18, The Bible

  54. Okay.According to Jack,The Swingin’Chick,Christianity is some sort of bizarro Scooby Doo episode!!!
    Only instead of Freddie;Shaggy;Daphne;Velma and Scooby pulling the mask off the villian and discovering it’s(Take your pick)Milburn Drysdale;MF THaterton;Dick Cheney;Varack Obama who planned to tear down the(Again,take your pick)Abandoned Amusement Park;Museum;Air Base;Farm and Ranch;Museum;Haunted House and turn it into a House of Ill Repute where Charlie Sheen or Tiger Woods would be his prefferred customers if only Those Meddling Kids(TM.Hanna-Barbera/Time Warner Entertainment)hadn’t gotten involved;
    it wound up that the Villians got Scooby and the gang arrested and turned the abandoned Amusement Park into a new Shopping Center with Wal Mart and Target as it’s anchor stores with a Bed Bath&Beyond;Best Buy;Payless Shoes;Dollar Tree;Chili’s and IHOP as it’s clients!!!

    “Now Flip Flop and Fly.
    I Don’t Care If I Die.
    Don’t Ever Leave Me.
    Don’t Ever Say Goodbye.”
    -Flip Flop and Fly.Recorded by Big Joe Turner.

  55. Chelonianmobile – “Myself, I sorta like to think that if there IS a Hell, it’s not permanent. In a lot of near-death experiences, people have apparently claimed to have been told that Hell is just a temporary state, inflicted by the soul’s own guilt, until the soul works out what it did wrong and repents.”

    That’s, interestingly, the explanation for Hell I heard was used in the movie Dogma. It’s said that Hell used to just be the absence of God and nothing more, but the souls that were sent there felt as if they deserved to be punished and thus the pain there is pretty much self-inflicted.

    Something about this tract that bugs me though – in the first panel in “Zambolo”, we see a person shouting “We’ll pray for you!” I don’t think Chick has ever shown anyone who’s not Fundamental Christian actually pray, so what’s up with that? That seems to imply that at least some of them are Christian. And since I don’t think Chick makes ethnic, non-American people Christian as default, that can only suggest that the couple DID win some people over. Maybe not consciously, but wouldn’t that still count?

  56. Tons of folks here deriding fundamentalists that seem should really be atheists but can’t quite let go of the god thing. Let go of the god thing and all the cognitive dissonance, and next stop trying to make sense out of the bible. In 6 months, you’ll feel way better.

  57. I can’t stand Chick’s stance on good works. You see, the idea that Martin Luther had during the Reformation was that good works (according to that passage that every evangelical ever quotes) do not contribute towards salvation SEPERATELY from faith in God. However, he reasoned that the true expression of faith in God would be dead without some sort of good works for those in need. Therefore, the missionaries that Chick rages at, who spent years in Africa saving lives and presumably, as missionaries, promoting God and helping people grow in their faith (for heaven’s sake, the man is even a Reverend!), are good people. Likewise, the murderer who is truly repentant and who inspired his fellow prisoner to follow the way of God is also in God’s divine grace. This is where the Catholic tradition of purgatory starts making more sense, as he would be sent there for a time before ascending to heaven (that poster above who talked about a temporary hell? Yeah, that’s sort of what purgatory’s like). Uh, I’m not sure if that really explained anything or whatever, but it was therapeutic to write.

    1. In the Inferno, Dante added the idea of a separate section of Hell for “honoured pagans” whose deeds were sufficient to earn them a measure of grace from heaven, even though they would as unbelievers end up in some part of Hell. It’s where he put great leaders, scholars and philosophers of antiquity and people he respected like Saladin, since he wasn’t enough of a dick to think God would just toss them into the fires.

  58. Missionaries, by definition, are Christians, meaning they HAVE accepted Jesus as their savior. As you said, how could one do good works in the name of a god they don’t believe in? Is Jack saying that, for 50 years, these people built hospitals and schools in the name of Jesus, and preached to the natives about God, Jesus, and the Bible, and never ONCE learned about basic Christian teachings such as salvation, baptism, God’s grace, the Crucifixion, etc? On what planet would this be possible?

  59. Why does God not have a face?


    God didn’t build man in his own image. He built the Slender Man in his own image.

  60. I can’t make out how the plane is flying in the fifth page. The background looks like clouds, but it’s a top view of the plane…so either the plane is upside down and has some sort of anti-gravity system in the cabin, or the entire Earth is shrouded in a thick fog.

    Or maybe Jack’s just a bad artist who has trouble portraying things clearly.

  61. I can’t understand why Jack Chick keeps on writing these horrible tracts. He’s pretty much an international disgrace, and it’s obvious that no-one with half a working brain would actually take his messages seriously now that he’s become so notorious.

    This is probably your best dissection yet, apart from “Best Friend”.

  62. I have this odd feeling that this tract came about because Chick lost an argument to some non-wingnut Christians on a plane who called his beliefs monstrous when they realised what a loon he is, and he just memorised the entire conversation, crashed the plane halfway through it, and had them have the rest with Chick-as-God. So no, he doesn’t understand other points of view.

  63. Thank you so much for pointing out the very obvious contradiction between what Chick claims that Matthew 7:22-23 means and what it actually means (which is obvious as soon as you look at verse 21). It seems like Chick likes to take to the Bible with a pair of scissors and a bottle of glue, using it to convey whatever message he likes by purposely pasting passages into situations where they’ll be misunderstood. (Remember that the Devil can quote scripture for his own nefarious purposes. Shakespeare said this, but it’s a thing that actually happens in the Bible.) Anyway, I’m glad to see you point this problem out rather than railing against the passages from Matthew 7 themselves.

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