Chick Dissection | A Love Story

“Who loves you so much he gave you life and left heaven to die for you? It was Jesus!”

Are you sure? ‘Cause this guy named Larry once gave me life and left heaven to die for me, too. Of course, he’d only give it to me if I followed him into an alleyway, closed my eyes and sucked it out of a hose. Thought that was kinda weird. But still…


You found a piece of heart! Collect three more of these to gain an extra heart container!

You mean… Jesus my baby daddy?

So, wait, let me get this straight: Jesus – the supposed physical manifestation of God presumably born 2000 years ago – created God? Or something? I mean, even assuming the whole dipshit “Trinity” idea, what was Jesus before Jesus was born? Could he be a son without a mother? If so, why was Mary even necessary? I’m sorry, this is just goofy.

All things that were made were made through his (Jesus’) making, making all things that were made made by him, and without him no things that were made were made made made. Made.

John 1:3

Baby looks like it’s got a piranha with a 9v battery in its mouth worming its way up his/her urethra. Either that or its dastardly plan has once again been foiled by its arch nemesis, and it’s expressing its frustration over such in a stereotypically villainous fashion. “Muaaaggghhhh! Curses!”

WHO CREATED THIS WORLD FOR YOU TO LIVE ON?

Uhhhh… Bob Sagat? Alan Rickman? Uh, wait, no, I know this… Neil Patrick Harris? No, wait. Santa Claus? Oh! I know! Jim Caviezel! Noooo… uh, shit, uh… the Fonz? Shit, shit, wait, no. Bill Pullman! It was Bill Pullman.

Oh, wait, JESUS DID? Well that doesn’t make any sense. You sure you’re not misinterpreting the Bible, here, Jack? I mean, I know you’ve never done it in the past, but…

Looks like the weather today is a 95% chance of “none”, followed by scattered “nothing”, with highs in the mid “absolutely no fucking atmosphere at all, here, folks”.

Yes, Jesus is a creepy, invasive jerk who is absolutely obsessed with everything you think. Remember that time you wanted to fuck that girl? Jesus knows it and thinks you should be set on fire for the rest of time for it. You know that time you pretended to be a wizard and acted like you were casting magic spells? Well, he saw that, too, so consider yourself stuck with two flat tires in the middle of Shit County. Yeah, that’s right, you better look out ’cause he’s watching all those old Bewitched reruns scrolling through your skull and he is pissed.

Wow, they’re speaking in such a low frequency that the sound waves are coming out as straight lines.

You… you want a Christ Hug? Huh, buddy? Huh? You feelin’ kinda glum? Huh? Huh, there, little guy? Uh-oh! Here comes the Tickle Express! Huh? Huh? Do I see a smile? That’s a smile! Who knows how to cheer you up? Huh? Jesus does! That’s right… it’s Jesus. Nobody understands you like Jesus. Nobody loves you like I do. Nobody. Do you understand? NOBODY. Have you been seeing that Mitch guy again? What the FUCK did I tell you about that? Huh? Does MITCH understand you like Jesus does? NO. NO! NOBODY! *slap* NOBODY UNDERSTANDS YOU LIKE JESUS DOES! *slap*

HOMOSEXUALITY (GAY)

What in hell is “shacking”? The act of being a roughly built hut or cabin? I mean, I’ve heard of “shacking up” before, but never just “shacking”.

Stubbornness is a sin? Since when? This sounds more like something people say to their kids in order to get them to submit to their instructions. “What do you mean, you don’t want to put on your scarf? Stubbornness is a sin, you know!” Is God really going to send you to hell because you adamantly refused to see a particular movie that your friends wanted to drag you to that you weren’t all that interested in?

And does the “wanting something that belongs to someone else” thing still count if it’s, say, a turkey sandwich that some morbidly obese kid is shoving lackadaisically into his tubby face and you’re homeless and haven’t had anything to eat but some cardboard with Lawry’s Seasoning Salt on it for the last eight days?

It says incest is a sin, but apparently not when it was just Adam and Eve and their remaining son. Or after the flood, when all that was left was Noah’s family and mating was every relative for him/herself.

Drunkenness is a sin? Oh, come on, where does it say that in the Bible? Even Jesus turns water into wine.

Lot of redundancy, here, too. Aren’t “cheating” and “having an affair” the same thing? Or maybe they mean you’re going to hell if you, say, use a noclip cheat in Half-Life or something. Comforting to know that all those little wallhacking, aimbot assholes are going to be burning forever for it.

It’s like a bunch of sperm rocketing into the sky. Kinda Eraserhead in reverse.

Does “in the air” strike anyone else as kind of a vague location to “meet the Lord”? “Where should we meet you, Jesus?” “Uh, gosh, uh… the air? How’s that work for you guys? Does meeting in the air work for everyone?” “Could you be a little more specific?” “Just… in the air. You know? Good place to meet.” “Well, I mean, could you maybe even give an approximate altitude, or a rough latitude and longitude, or…?” “Just… IN THE AIR, okay? Jesus H. Me, Ted, why do you always have to be so difficult?”

Going to be a little crowded if everyone is standing directly next to Jesus.

No, guys, wait! The evil Lord Xenu has positioned huge soul vacuums up in space to trap your souls and brainwash them and attach them to an emerging intelligent life form on some other planet!

I guess it’s visiting day in Hell or something. What’s with the angels giving tours to children? Like, over on the left there… “Wow, look, Gabriel! Stalactites! What a beautiful cavern!”

Wait, so all it takes is repentance to avoid eternal damnation? I thought it was accepting Jesus as your savior. Which is it, Jack? Make up your damn mind.

And if Jesus or God or whoever really didn’t want people to roast in hell forever, they wouldn’t make it the fucking default outcome for each and every person’s life in some kind of retarded, horrible, particularly cruel “guilty until proven innocent” system of judgment.

Clouds! In space!

Gyah, what the hell? Okay, so this whole while, Jack’s been saying it’s Jesus who created everything. But Jesus is “God the son”. Throughout the Bible, isn’t it “God the father” who’s said to have created everything? So if Jesus is the form of God that created everything, then Jesus is “God the father”, and, thus, Jesus sent some kind of sub-Jesus to Earth. Or. Something? When they say that Jesus is “seated at the right hand of the father,” are they saying that Jesus is sitting on his own hand? I don’t know. No wonder fundamentalists are so incredibly fucking confused about everything their mind encounters. If this kind of logic is the product of their mental framework…

Also, isn’t the whole “Trinity” thing the idea of those horrible, evil Catholics Jack hates so much?

You know, if you’re some kind of deity and your religious text needs parenthetical annotations added to it in order for people to understand just what in hell is going on, you can’t really blame people for not really getting it right. If you start throwing people into eternal torment for it, you’re just an omnipotent jerkoff.

(Oh, and by the way, Jack: If I’m not mistaken, there’s some passage in the Bible about not interfering at all with its text. Have fun explaining all these parenthetical references.)

I think he just Xeroxes this one.

Who went back to the space clouds? JESUS!

And what’s with these enormous dotted arrows? Are we tracking Jeffy? I’m half expecting, like, a broken flower pot along the way… a terrified cat… some lost mittens…

You guys like money, don’t you? Y’know, things? Material possessions? You have no other incentive to be a decent person than the promise of having all the consumerist, upper-class shit you longed for in life magically bestowed upon you in the afterlife? You’re a good person! God approves! Welcome to heaven!

But I thought all I had to do is believe in and accept Jesus and everything will be fine! Make up your fucking mind!

The dude on the hill really needs a guitar.

Why is this hill so popular, and what is its connection to Christianity?

…and you know it, clap your hands!

This is sort of the opposite of the Tract where he doesn’t use any words. This one is practically ALL words.

But you don’t get to be a Batman action. That one he keeps for himself.

“[W]e shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is”? Wait, I thought God supposedly created mankind in his own image. We’re in very confusing territory, here – even more so than then usual fare.

He would, but he doesn’t.

So wait, which one is the “you” here? ‘Cause the way I like to look at it, the angel is running up to alert the dude with the cigarette that there’s someone dangerous with an umbrella approaching.

And, yeah, that’s totally what that Bible quote really means: Shady-looking, poorly-drawn guys on well-lit streets won’t rape/mug/murder you because of angels.

Oh, come on! Jack is just quoting Lord of the Rings, here. And then in march the Ents, right?

Why is Jesus named “Faithful and True”? Why does he need to be faithful?

WHO SHINES A GIANT FLASHLIGHT OUT OF THE LUMPY, CELLULITE-PADDED ANUS OF A GIGANTIC BLACK MAN FLOATING IN SPACE? JESUS!

But who the hell wants the Earth if you’ve got a big-assed mansion up in heaven? This isn’t much of an incentive at all. Who are you going to be ruling over if everyone’s been slaughtered and sent to either heaven or hell? Really, what’s the point of ruling Earth?

Isn’t that a beautiful love story? You know, burning for an eternity regardless of whether you’re a good person because of some arbitrary actions you neglected to take? Someone who’ll apparently commit worldwide genocide on some unknown date in the future, killing you and all your loved ones unless you comply and submit to their list of confusing demands? Someone who’ll consider you automatically guilty and condemned until you can demonstrate your innocence? Someone who’ll obsessively and constantly watch you, recording your every action and then eventually playing it back to you and criticizing you for it? Someone who demands to know everything you think so that they can determine whether to torture you for an eternity based on it? Someone who doesn’t like something you did, so they had a kid, killed it, then considered things okay between the two of you? Someone who hates when you even think about anyone but him?

Gee, who could ever love you like that?

HOLY SHIT! NO WAY!

“Hey, God. We’re here to roast some marshmallows on you.”

Yes, everybody in heaven gathers ’round to hang out with the guy who almost tortured them forever, and oppressed their every action and thought in life! It truly must be paradise.


You know, this is one of the lamest religious songs I’ve ever heard. The lyrics are constantly interrupted by annotated passages from the Bible, and the scansion is terrible.

36 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | A Love Story”

  1. It’s like a bunch of sperm rocketing into the sky.

    Hah, that’s the first thing I thought before reading your comments.

  2. The artwork is simply atrocious, the text is patronizing and repetitive and it’s really just another remix of what Chick’s said hundreds of times before in his previous comics and tracts. In other words, a typical JTC product!

    I’m sorry, but the baby is simply frightening. Looks like some monster birth out of a horror flick!

    I always thought the rapture panel was full of sperm!

    The one with the angel and the dodgy alley character is simply the worst. It’s hard to even tell what’s going on. Awful, awful art that even a highschool student could surpass.

  3. Ah, trinitarianism — the original heresy. Probably the lamest, most indefensible, and least significant doctrines that anyone was ever killed over.

    These days, even American proddies like Chick are effective unitarians — they just call all three of them Jesus.

  4. Jeffy’s mom has finally grown sick and tired of his constant antics, leaving dotted trails all over the goddamn house, which she has to scrub off with Orange Clean on her hands and knees that she got fed up and punted his little towheaded ass off this good earth.

  5. Thank you, Jack! I finally know what “Rosemary’s Baby” actually looked like after all these years of wondering.

  6. That’s it. I’m thoroughly convinced Chick is some kind of super ironic Kaufman spectacle that’s gone on too long without anyone catching on.

    And hell yeah, fuck those wallhackers. From now on if my kill/death ratio is too disproportionate, I can just say it’s God’s will.

  7. Who loves you so much that he died for your sins?
    Not me!
    Yes, you!
    Couldn’t be!
    Then who?

    I love that list of sins. Jack Chick thinks I’m a murderer. Awesome.

  8. Is “unbelief” even a word?
    Hating parents is a sin! Even if they like, you know, beat you or something…
    Playing with the Occult! Dont fight the zombie or youre going to hell! Playing what? Its just a game now, I see.
    Lust! A subconcious uncontrollable desire! Sin!
    Pride is sinful! Even pride in being christian!
    Worshipping false gods! Except Jesus!

  9. You know what’s the longest sin?
    WANTING SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO SOMEBODY ELSE! Wait… Is that different than “envy”? And is “hate” different than “hating parents”?

    I think he missed a few other sins:

    EATING
    EATING COOKED EDIBLE FOOD
    EATING FOOD WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH!

  10. Does it occur to anyone else that it’s kinda… Well, GAY for God and Jesus (Both men) to love all us guys so very much? AH the fun of contradictions. Also: one of the lamest of all Chick tracts. I prefer the ones which bash something close to my heart (DnD, Evolution, being queer), because then I can be personally outraged rather than just amused at the general patheticness of it all.

  11. “Does it occur to anyone else that it’s kinda… Well, GAY for God and Jesus (Both men) to love all us guys so very much?”

    that the fact that we are “one nation under god”…..
    NOW THAT’S A WHOLE LOTTA LOVE!

  12. that the fact that we are “one nation under god”…..
    NOW THAT’S A WHOLE LOTTA LOVE!

    BBG Looking for Followers – g4mw:

    6,000 year old God looking for devout followers for love and rapture. Drug/Disease free, please! Turnoffs include Pride, Lust, and Shacking.

    NO STRING (SRSLY!)

  13. If stubbornness is a sin, then does that mean the Iraq War is a sin, and does that make the current Bush administration sinners?

  14. kevin: You’ll find that American evangelicals find it very difficult to keep Ronald Reagan and Jesus Christ separate, even though they’re polar opposites in almost every way.

    This also does a wonderful job of explaining why they can’t tell Osama bin Laden from Saddam Hussein or, in general, good from evil.

  15. Ok, so god is eternal, right. And Jesus is part of god. Therefore, Jesus is eternal. Jesus needed Mary to incarnate as a person, but since he’s eternal, he existed before that. This in contrast to human souls which are created at conception.

    That’s the reasoning. Weird, huh?

  16. You may know this already: JTC has been spewing this stuff for a long time. We had a lot of fun with his “Holy Joe” tract during the Vietnam War, especially after listening to Arlo Guthrie relate how he asked the recruiting sergeant if “…you want to know if I’m moral enough to join the Army and burn women, kids, houses, and villages after being a litterbug?” In other words, you’ll have noticed that commission of a military atrocity isn’t on ol’ Jack’s list of heinous, hell-worthy misbehaviors. What we used to say back then is still pertinent, ie. killing for peace is like fucking for virginity, but according to Jack we will fry like Fritos only for doing the latter.

    Anyhow, after you’ve had fun with Jack for a while (if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, trust me), check out some more interesting head-trips such as . No offense, but doing Jack is really just a kind of MST3K, if you stop and think about it.

  17. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen:)
    “ONLY GOD ALMIGHTY” “Holy shit! No way!” genius! brilliant! I can’t wait for the next one:)

  18. Incidentally, I clicked the link, and read:

    Note: The Public Sex Offender Registry has a new look!

    I felt like I was watching another episode of “Extreme Public Sex Offender Registry Makeover”.

  19. I love reading your analysis of these tracts. Your humor has opened my eyes to the truth of the lies printed by Chick and forced on us by the “believers.” It is people like this who scare people away from religion in the first place. Keep em’ coming!

  20. “Hates parents”. That’s a sin.

    But what if one’s parents work for the Vatican? What would Jack Chick have to say to that?

    IT WOULD TOTALLY FUCKING BLOW HIS MIND.

    Dig this:

    “For God (the Father) so loved the world (that’s you)…”

    I’m the world! I am the whole, entire fucking world. Me! That is awesome!

  21. Clicking on the link for “more” I am ambushed with a triumphant Legend of Zelda reference. I was one sentance into the article, and it was already made of pure and distilled win. Well played, Jabberwock… well played.

  22. Do you realize that the bible alludes that one on earth cannot follow him (Lord) and see him. So… drawing of God. Is Jack Chick dead now? My bible teacher (weird…) says if you see God while you’re alive, you’ll die.

  23. Why is the “Self” in “Selfishness” underlined? Is there something I’m missing there?
    Also, isn’t it more than a little ironic that Jack says that “Hate” is a sin? After all, who makes a fat pile of cash from spewing hate?

    “Jack Chick!”

  24. Just brilliant. Your little comment about using no clip in half life cracked me up. Keep it up.

    Djir said: “Ah, trinitarianism — the original heresy. Probably the lamest, most indefensible, and least significant doctrines that anyone was ever killed over.”
    Well, I am sure you understand the importance of cracking your egg on one side rather than the other.

  25. This is the worst love story ever told.Even West Side Story has a better love story.Wo would reward you even for killing your family-god(Exodus 32:26-29)

  26. So once again, the tract, is dissected, thanks to, The Jabberwock!

    Seriously, that is what I thought of the cover. Just like Powerpuff Girls

  27. For the “It’s like a bunch of sperm rocketing into the sky.” panel, I thought you were going to say “HOLY CRAP! Sharp icicles are falling from the sky! Everyone run for your lives!”

    Good Chick Dissection.

  28. Aren’t “envy” and “wanting something that belongs to someone else” exactly the same thing? And didn’t the Bible tell you to be stubborn about things? If stubbornness is so bad, why do these fundies refuse to even examine evidence for evolution, or listen to arguments about religion? That there is stubbornness to the extreme.

    Also, on mansions, this is what I got, from a bible that has been re-translated – you know, with modern English that isn’t archaic, by people who probably have a better understanding of ancient languages – as: “In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”

    What I’m getting isn’t “God’s going to give you a big, pretty mansion, you materialistic whore” but more of a “There’s tons of space in heaven, let me help you get there”

  29. “HOMOSEXUALITY (GAY)” Okay, no problem. I’ll stick with non-gay homosexuality. No traveling the Hershey Highway with a smile on your face.

  30. One small criticism: drunkenness IS mentioned in the Bible, and with the exception of Lot (Gen, 19:31-36,) crawling into a bottle is somewhat frowned upon (Rom. 13:13, Gal. 15:21, 1 Tim. 3:3, Tit. 1:17, 1 Peter 4:3.)

    Fortunately, you’re talking about a group that confuses drunkenness with drinking, or at least the street preachers I’ve crossed. Key difference, the Bible said don’t get plastered, not don’t drink.

    But you already knew that.

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