“Who loves you so much he gave you life and left heaven to die for you? It was Jesus!”
Are you sure? ‘Cause this guy named Larry once gave me life and left heaven to die for me, too. Of course, he’d only give it to me if I followed him into an alleyway, closed my eyes and sucked it out of a hose. Thought that was kinda weird. But still…
You found a piece of heart! Collect three more of these to gain an extra heart container!
You mean… Jesus my baby daddy?
So, wait, let me get this straight: Jesus – the supposed physical manifestation of God presumably born 2000 years ago – created God? Or something? I mean, even assuming the whole dipshit “Trinity” idea, what was Jesus before Jesus was born? Could he be a son without a mother? If so, why was Mary even necessary? I’m sorry, this is just goofy.
All things that were made were made through his (Jesus’) making, making all things that were made made by him, and without him no things that were made were made made made. Made.
Baby looks like it’s got a piranha with a 9v battery in its mouth worming its way up his/her urethra. Either that or its dastardly plan has once again been foiled by its arch nemesis, and it’s expressing its frustration over such in a stereotypically villainous fashion. “Muaaaggghhhh! Curses!”
WHO CREATED THIS WORLD FOR YOU TO LIVE ON?
Uhhhh… Bob Sagat? Alan Rickman? Uh, wait, no, I know this… Neil Patrick Harris? No, wait. Santa Claus? Oh! I know! Jim Caviezel! Noooo… uh, shit, uh… the Fonz? Shit, shit, wait, no. Bill Pullman! It was Bill Pullman.
Oh, wait, JESUS DID? Well that doesn’t make any sense. You sure you’re not misinterpreting the Bible, here, Jack? I mean, I know you’ve never done it in the past, but…
Looks like the weather today is a 95% chance of “none”, followed by scattered “nothing”, with highs in the mid “absolutely no fucking atmosphere at all, here, folks”.
Yes, Jesus is a creepy, invasive jerk who is absolutely obsessed with everything you think. Remember that time you wanted to fuck that girl? Jesus knows it and thinks you should be set on fire for the rest of time for it. You know that time you pretended to be a wizard and acted like you were casting magic spells? Well, he saw that, too, so consider yourself stuck with two flat tires in the middle of Shit County. Yeah, that’s right, you better look out ’cause he’s watching all those old Bewitched reruns scrolling through your skull and he is pissed.
Wow, they’re speaking in such a low frequency that the sound waves are coming out as straight lines.
You… you want a Christ Hug? Huh, buddy? Huh? You feelin’ kinda glum? Huh? Huh, there, little guy? Uh-oh! Here comes the Tickle Express! Huh? Huh? Do I see a smile? That’s a smile! Who knows how to cheer you up? Huh? Jesus does! That’s right… it’s Jesus. Nobody understands you like Jesus. Nobody loves you like I do. Nobody. Do you understand? NOBODY. Have you been seeing that Mitch guy again? What the FUCK did I tell you about that? Huh? Does MITCH understand you like Jesus does? NO. NO! NOBODY! *slap* NOBODY UNDERSTANDS YOU LIKE JESUS DOES! *slap*
What in hell is “shacking”? The act of being a roughly built hut or cabin? I mean, I’ve heard of “shacking up” before, but never just “shacking”.
Stubbornness is a sin? Since when? This sounds more like something people say to their kids in order to get them to submit to their instructions. “What do you mean, you don’t want to put on your scarf? Stubbornness is a sin, you know!” Is God really going to send you to hell because you adamantly refused to see a particular movie that your friends wanted to drag you to that you weren’t all that interested in?
And does the “wanting something that belongs to someone else” thing still count if it’s, say, a turkey sandwich that some morbidly obese kid is shoving lackadaisically into his tubby face and you’re homeless and haven’t had anything to eat but some cardboard with Lawry’s Seasoning Salt on it for the last eight days?
It says incest is a sin, but apparently not when it was just Adam and Eve and their remaining son. Or after the flood, when all that was left was Noah’s family and mating was every relative for him/herself.
Drunkenness is a sin? Oh, come on, where does it say that in the Bible? Even Jesus turns water into wine.
Lot of redundancy, here, too. Aren’t “cheating” and “having an affair” the same thing? Or maybe they mean you’re going to hell if you, say, use a noclip cheat in Half-Life or something. Comforting to know that all those little wallhacking, aimbot assholes are going to be burning forever for it.
It’s like a bunch of sperm rocketing into the sky. Kinda Eraserhead in reverse.
Does “in the air” strike anyone else as kind of a vague location to “meet the Lord”? “Where should we meet you, Jesus?” “Uh, gosh, uh… the air? How’s that work for you guys? Does meeting in the air work for everyone?” “Could you be a little more specific?” “Just… in the air. You know? Good place to meet.” “Well, I mean, could you maybe even give an approximate altitude, or a rough latitude and longitude, or…?” “Just… IN THE AIR, okay? Jesus H. Me, Ted, why do you always have to be so difficult?”
Going to be a little crowded if everyone is standing directly next to Jesus.
No, guys, wait! The evil Lord Xenu has positioned huge soul vacuums up in space to trap your souls and brainwash them and attach them to an emerging intelligent life form on some other planet!
I guess it’s visiting day in Hell or something. What’s with the angels giving tours to children? Like, over on the left there… “Wow, look, Gabriel! Stalactites! What a beautiful cavern!”
Wait, so all it takes is repentance to avoid eternal damnation? I thought it was accepting Jesus as your savior. Which is it, Jack? Make up your damn mind.
And if Jesus or God or whoever really didn’t want people to roast in hell forever, they wouldn’t make it the fucking default outcome for each and every person’s life in some kind of retarded, horrible, particularly cruel “guilty until proven innocent” system of judgment.
Clouds! In space!
Gyah, what the hell? Okay, so this whole while, Jack’s been saying it’s Jesus who created everything. But Jesus is “God the son”. Throughout the Bible, isn’t it “God the father” who’s said to have created everything? So if Jesus is the form of God that created everything, then Jesus is “God the father”, and, thus, Jesus sent some kind of sub-Jesus to Earth. Or. Something? When they say that Jesus is “seated at the right hand of the father,” are they saying that Jesus is sitting on his own hand? I don’t know. No wonder fundamentalists are so incredibly fucking confused about everything their mind encounters. If this kind of logic is the product of their mental framework…
Also, isn’t the whole “Trinity” thing the idea of those horrible, evil Catholics Jack hates so much?
You know, if you’re some kind of deity and your religious text needs parenthetical annotations added to it in order for people to understand just what in hell is going on, you can’t really blame people for not really getting it right. If you start throwing people into eternal torment for it, you’re just an omnipotent jerkoff.
(Oh, and by the way, Jack: If I’m not mistaken, there’s some passage in the Bible about not interfering at all with its text. Have fun explaining all these parenthetical references.)
I think he just Xeroxes this one.
Who went back to the space clouds? JESUS!
And what’s with these enormous dotted arrows? Are we tracking Jeffy? I’m half expecting, like, a broken flower pot along the way… a terrified cat… some lost mittens…
You guys like money, don’t you? Y’know, things? Material possessions? You have no other incentive to be a decent person than the promise of having all the consumerist, upper-class shit you longed for in life magically bestowed upon you in the afterlife? You’re a good person! God approves! Welcome to heaven!
But I thought all I had to do is believe in and accept Jesus and everything will be fine! Make up your fucking mind!
The dude on the hill really needs a guitar.
Why is this hill so popular, and what is its connection to Christianity?
…and you know it, clap your hands!
This is sort of the opposite of the Tract where he doesn’t use any words. This one is practically ALL words.
But you don’t get to be a Batman action. That one he keeps for himself.
“[W]e shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is”? Wait, I thought God supposedly created mankind in his own image. We’re in very confusing territory, here – even more so than then usual fare.
He would, but he doesn’t.
So wait, which one is the “you” here? ‘Cause the way I like to look at it, the angel is running up to alert the dude with the cigarette that there’s someone dangerous with an umbrella approaching.
And, yeah, that’s totally what that Bible quote really means: Shady-looking, poorly-drawn guys on well-lit streets won’t rape/mug/murder you because of angels.
Oh, come on! Jack is just quoting Lord of the Rings, here. And then in march the Ents, right?
Why is Jesus named “Faithful and True”? Why does he need to be faithful?
WHO SHINES A GIANT FLASHLIGHT OUT OF THE LUMPY, CELLULITE-PADDED ANUS OF A GIGANTIC BLACK MAN FLOATING IN SPACE? JESUS!
But who the hell wants the Earth if you’ve got a big-assed mansion up in heaven? This isn’t much of an incentive at all. Who are you going to be ruling over if everyone’s been slaughtered and sent to either heaven or hell? Really, what’s the point of ruling Earth?
Isn’t that a beautiful love story? You know, burning for an eternity regardless of whether you’re a good person because of some arbitrary actions you neglected to take? Someone who’ll apparently commit worldwide genocide on some unknown date in the future, killing you and all your loved ones unless you comply and submit to their list of confusing demands? Someone who’ll consider you automatically guilty and condemned until you can demonstrate your innocence? Someone who’ll obsessively and constantly watch you, recording your every action and then eventually playing it back to you and criticizing you for it? Someone who demands to know everything you think so that they can determine whether to torture you for an eternity based on it? Someone who doesn’t like something you did, so they had a kid, killed it, then considered things okay between the two of you? Someone who hates when you even think about anyone but him?
HOLY SHIT! NO WAY!
“Hey, God. We’re here to roast some marshmallows on you.”
Yes, everybody in heaven gathers ’round to hang out with the guy who almost tortured them forever, and oppressed their every action and thought in life! It truly must be paradise.
You know, this is one of the lamest religious songs I’ve ever heard. The lyrics are constantly interrupted by annotated passages from the Bible, and the scansion is terrible.