Chick Dissection | Bewitched?

Here’s Chick’s introduction, from the Big List O’ Tracts: “Time was running out for Ashley. Drugs would soon kill her. But a praying grandmother made the difference.”

In the epic war between heaven and hell over souls, the Battle of Ashley Wilson would go down in the history books of angel, demon and man alike as one of the most deciding battles. Also, something vaguely about how some TV show from half a century ago helps give people black magic superpowers. Yes, this is apparently named after that cheesy sitcom in which an average mid-20th-century stereotypical marriage is mildly complicated by the fact that the wife is a witch.

No thanks, I already have one!

“It is time for our rave, sire! Does everybody have their lollipops?”

What the fuck is this guy, anyway? I didn’t know feces got an afterlife.

Say what you will about Hell, but it does have some pretty nice conference rooms.

Effective at what? Is watching Get Smart effective at making people detectives? Does watching episodes of The Monkees make people instantly able to play the guitar? Do Chick-Brand fundamentalists really believe that looking at a thing makes you somehow turn into it? Is that why they’re always trying to censor everyone’s genitals? ‘Cause it ain’t working – they’re all still dicks.

Let’s step back to a meta level, here: By depicting evil and witchcraft and such, isn’t Jack aiding Satan in exactly the same way as these TV shows of which he’s so critical?

Anyway, if Bewitched is an act of Satan, was Dick York getting injured and subsequently becoming addicted to painkillers, collapsing on the set, and quitting the show all an act of God?

“Sir, I know this is hell and all, but, uh, me and the boys were wondering… can we at least have chairs? Even legs would be nice. I mean, you wouldn’t think we’d need legs in Hell and all, but… you built all these board rooms for some reason.”

“And all of it’s working! Every young person who ever uses a Ouija board gets everything they want!” I’d find this more believable if there was ANY EVIDENCE AT ALL that ANY OF THIS HAD ANY TANGIBLE EFFECT. And how are “hallucinatory drugs” tools of Satan? The same way as rock music, I’d imagine.

“We have a winner in our drug division… the Oscar goes to… cocaine!” *applause* *handjobs all around*

Impressive he can juggle drugs. Pills are hard to catch, and syringes are a real bitch.

Astrology sales? “Yes, I’d like to buy an Astrology, please.”


Why’d they all suddenly turn into Plaid Elementals?

I think the dude on the left is about to sneeze, all over what’s apparently the ghost of Nelson Muntz.

“Our lady with the gift of prophecy”? Am I missing a joke here or something?

In claiming anarchy is “evil”, one is implying that fascism is “good”. It also seems to illustrate a fundamental misunderstanding of what anarchy really is. Then again, Chick and ilk also feel that pornography and homosexuality are “evil” as well. I’d like for them to explain to me what intrinsic properties any of these things have that make them “evil”. And I mean intrinsic, not symbolism that’s been attached to them by religion or cultural superstition or societal superego.

“Who wants to smell my finger? Guys? Hey! Hey, guys! Do you dare me to shove it into this fire? Who’ll give me ten bucks to shove it into this fire?”

So, wait, the really terrifying implication, here, based on the emphasis of certain words, is that Chick wants there to be a fundamentalist One World Government. Chilling.

Though, uh, wait a damn minute – how can there be a worldwide government if anarchy is on the rise? Again… fundamental misunderstanding of terms. I’m beginning to think that’s what “fundamentalist” really means.

“Ecumenical movement”. Oh, God forbid people try to arbitrarily organize our arbitrary symbolism!

“Well, given our apparently near-total domination of the media, government, religion, and consumer goods, this single praying grandmother totally throws a fuckin’ spanner into our works, doesn’t it?”

You know, there’s something I never understood: What kind of god would want people to starve themselves in order for something positive to happen in their lives? What the cock is that shit? It’s like, “all this horrible stuff is happening in my life! Please make it stop!” “NOT UNLESS YOU COMPLICATE THINGS FURTHER BY MAKING YOURSELF SICK BY STOPPING NUTRIENT INTAKE.” “Yes, God! You are truly loving and just!”

I don’t really get the whole “battle for souls” thing, either. So, life is just one big sorting system for souls? Like Earth is one big Plinko board like on The Price is Right, only instead of different amounts of money at the bottom, it’s “Hell”, “Heaven”, “Purgatory”, “Limbo”, etc?

*gasp* An executive!

I dunno, the infodump on the right is just goofy. Do they have this all in some big database somewhere? I wonder what Hell’s filing technique is. Let us hope it isn’t unstoppable.

So she sleeps with a nest with eggs in it, a Raggedy Andy, and half a cat stitched to half a large rabbit.

“Dear God, Why does my head hurt? The whole top of my head. I don’t know why.”

“Yes, master, she also wants her home.” Ashley’s grandmother wants Ashley’s home? Or…?

Yeah, when was the last time you saw someone pray for something, and than that prayer actually came true? Probably the last time you saw a Ouija board actually work, I’m sure.

Something fun to do while reading these: Swap every instance of “salvation” with “salivation”.

I somehow doubt the plausibility of your prognosis, doctor Turd-in-a-Robe.

Jack Chick: Expert on drug use and its effects. Oh, and hey, while we’re at it, why don’t we ask him about D&D and sex?

Groovy! Dig the lingo, man! Totally bummer, dude! Like, radical! …Not!

And the conversation, here, just doesn’t make any damn bit of sense. It’s so fucking contrived. Where’d the “your mom” thing come from? And what’s with the assumption that they’re into drugs, so they’re all, like, totally into this groovy, bitchin’ mystic shit, too, dude? Bogus!

“Turn not to those (mediums) who fart ghosts from their talking nipples.” – Lev 19:31

So, uh, I’ve never actually seen this happen. Anyone else? Is Jack writing these about another dimension, or…? Perhaps he’s more experienced with drug use than we’d expect.

Her mom is a translucent Punch and Judy puppet.

Caution: Bible is hot.

“Ashley’s grandmother continues with her prevailing prayer.” Try saying that five times fast.

I like how “the enemy” is so clear-cut a concept. Evil always has a face, and the entire world operates in black and whites! There is never any middle ground/grey area/etc!

So apparently there’s no real free will at all – your actions are all dominated by either other people’s prayers or demonic influence. And I like how she’s hitchhiking. Yeah, that’s real fucking safe. God is compelling sixteen-year-old girls to hitchhike.

Boy, what a better world it would be if we executed every person claiming to be clairvoyant, and every supposed psychic. Round up the gays in there, too, and that would just solve every problem wouldn’t it?

Isn’t it also an Old Testament law not to eat a calf in its mother’s milk? Haven’t we been through this?

Supposed LSD brain damage or not, anyone who can’t recognize a hallucination has some preexisting issues. Same goes for the heart attack – nowhere have I read that LSD causes heart problems or heart attacks, so obviously she had a weak heart to begin with. She could’ve watched The Ring and had a similar reaction.

So, uh… I guess what Jack is saying, here, is that LSD and other drugs actually have no effect at all, and that all the things you experience while on it, and all the flashbacks, are all really just demonic activity.

How often is he going to rely on this tactic of depicting characters with obviously preexisting conditions as developing these issues from “sin”, anyway?

Everybody wants the doctor who makes a flash diagnosis and then immediately retracts it. “I’m afraid she’s going to die; we’re not sure whether she’s going to die, but ask again at eight.”

That night, grandma was sucked into the Plaid Dimension, where angels are apparently bouncers of some sort.

“I hate the way that woman prays. Ass all sticking out like that… gah. Seriously, her posture is horrible. And it doesn’t help that she does it in her Bobcat Goldthwait voice, either. Hate it.”

Hands up, Christians, how many times God has immediately answered your prayers, bending to your every whim.

(Insert usual blah blah blah fundamentalist Jesus Saves rant here.)

“Hey, grandma, thanks for waking me back up into this horrible nightmare of a world! What’s that? Jesus? Sure, I’ll buy whatever the hell you want to tell me. Just let me die.”

“I’m saved, I’m saved, just let me die already! Jesus, souls, he’s in my heart, whatever. Yes, yes, I saw the pink penguins, and the rose-colored bear draped me in a blanket of spider’s silk, and they served the tea made from the magical goat urine. Yes, yes. Goodb… good… what’s that? Yes, grandma, I did. Beavers sorrowfully releasing daffodils into the stream, and all that. Goodbye, grandma.”

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to go now. No relatives comforting their dying relatives in their final moments. Hospital policy.”

“This is Dr. Hensley. I’m sorry, but Ashley passed away just 10 minutes ago. Call back at 6:45 and we’ll know for sure.”

“I have ways of making you really sorry. You can’t come to tomorrow’s rave. Nyah.”

I’m sorry, this is all just too ridiculous, and anyone who believes this is a gullible moron. There, I’ve said it. There’s no other way of looking at it. It’s just too damn silly. Grandma versus the demon! Who will win? Who gets her soul? Who will Ashley choose? Who gives a shit?

Seriously, is this all there is? Is this what an omnipotent fucking being who created and controls all the cosmos does to occupy his fucking time? Uses grandmas to play tug-o-war with cloaked anthropomorphic feces? Hell, we humans have come up with better entertainment than that.

Here, God, wanna play my Wii? Come on down. You can squirt carrot juice at crazy-looking rabbits by making jerk-off motions and navigate a pig through a bomb field and dozens of other things, all in just one game. Much more fun than this stupid “count the souls!” shit you’ve got going on.

Y’know, for a Tract called Bewitched, with the whole TV sitcom setup in the first few panels, the show sure didn’t factor in much to any of this. What the fuck?

52 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Bewitched?”

  1. The death bed scene was reeall stupid and gay.

    But, the rest is fairly on track. Thought the prophecizing woman would be Mary-yet another attack on her!!

    BTW-fasting is Biblical, Christ did for 40 days!! IT has a purifying principle. And yes, opening up to occultic practices has been documented for 2000 yrs ot open a portal to Satan. Sorry, the way it works.

  2. Well, “documented” how? In the same way that people buy EMF detectors and use them to find “ghosts”? That’s the thing, anyone can draw faith-based conclusions about any phenomenon. Once you detach yourself from comparing the observable to the observable, any explanation becomes just as “valid” as any other. There’s no more evidence that Ouija boards open up a path to demons and the devil than there is that they open up a path to undetectable, malicious, mind-controlling hedgehogs.

  3. Maybe the nurse was all “I’m sorry, but you have to go; your fundamentalistic rabble is getting the other patients nervous.”

    Maybe the nurse was EVAHL!

  4. Chick is claiming that astrology, ouija boards, and media are familiar spirits – but they aren’t. How suspicious.

    The formula he uses to invoke Jesus does seem suspiciously like a spell. And what he values most about Jesus is not his miraculous gospel, but his ability to cast Polymorph and Resurrect. Hmm – maybe his going on about media and astrology are some kind of cover-up. But for who…?

    Wait, holy shit!

    Jack Chick is in league with Satan and his wizards!

  5. I never knew that Satan made Bewitched in order to lure people into the occult. I want to see Jack Chick’s take on Gilligan’s Island.

  6. The doctor who tells Grandma that Ashley’s dead is, I think, the idiot kidnapper from “Kidnapped!” Scary thought.

  7. I’m scared. I watched “Bewitched” religiously (no pun) when I was a kid. I’m going to hell and both of my grandmas are dead. Who will save my soul?

  8. The devil seemed awful pissed at losing one soul. Bah, who cares about that one soul. At the rate Jack Chick says they’re going, the demons of hell will control the world in ten years. Better join the winning side and start watching bewitched and studying astrology

  9. These are entertaining. I like anyone who points out any and all errors in Mr. Chick’s storylines. I can’t say I approve of your attacks on Christianity, but since you use logic to back them up, I’ll let it slide. I do request that you tone down the foul language a bit though. It’d be just as funny without the F word. (Though “doctor Turd-in-a-Robe” is pretty funny) 🙂

  10. Gilligan’s Island, you should know, is expressly for purposes of mnaking kids gay. It’s the main form of getting visible, talking demons who everyone pretends aren’t there to crawl over them and make them gay.
    (Readers of some of the other tracts will get the joke.)

  11. “I’ll let it slide.”

    “I do request that you tone down the foul language a bit though.”

    Who died and made you Prince of Fucktardia? King Douchey Anklebiter III?? Queen Shitty McFuckstaff??? Lord Sthruss of Twatshire????

    You better tone down that fat face of yours, pissnuts.

  12. Also: if 60 trips on acid (even ‘mixed with speed’) were enough to kill you, the Sixties would have ended in about 1965 when all the hippies’ arteries gelled up and they keeled over dead.

    Hey, Robert Anton Wilson just died recently at a good age. He probably did more like six thousand trips.

  13. Your commentary was pretty good on this tract! I should read the other commentaries while I’m here! :thumbsup:

  14. I did use a ouija board once, and it did “feel” like it was moving by itself. Of course, it wasn’t a supernatural thing as much as it was a subconscious thing.

  15. Is it just me, or does Ashley look like a man in a skirt when she’s hitching? That or some sort of wedge of cake or pie. Mmmm… pie…

  16. If Mr.Chick truely believes that “Bewitched” can turn teenage girls to witches, then it’s not surprising that he believe his ridiculus tracts can turn people to fundies.

  17. There’s so many things wrong, not simply from a theological standpoint, but a design standpoint.

    Page 6: Playing cards: definitely a path to the occult, like dominoes.

    Page 8: Mmm, Satan looks pretty hot in this picture. I don’t know why, everyone is dressed like medieval monks being addressed by a superhero.

    Paraphrasing page 9, right hand side: “Most Christian churches are members of the Church of Satan.”

    Panel 11: “I got her mother and her little dog, too!”

    Panel 14: I think there’s some gays who think a comic showing the Satan character working over the hairy hippie would be hot. Or maybe that’s just me.

    Panel 18: One panel, the demon is making Ashley hallucinate. In the next, the demon is being taken out on a stretcher?

    It took me a while to figure out grandma was praying by Ashley’s grave in the last panel. It looked like she was kneeling on a rug near a large sheet of paper.

  18. I just read this tract for the second time, and have come to a shocking and horrible realization:
    That’s not Satan at all! It’s actually Tony Stark, alter ego of The Invincible Iron Man!

    …I wonder if that makes Captain America Jesus? And where does Spiderman fit into all this?

  19. And all this time I thought Walmart was the devil. Damn. This shit is so funny, and oddly enough: I’m a Christian. I was thinking about starting a Jack Chick comic collection, it’s not hard. Some idiot keeps leaving them in the restroom at work.

  20. “Is watching Get Smart effective at making people detectives?”

    To be fair, I don’t think being on Get Smart made Maxwell Smart real effective at being a detective. He only managed to disguise his idiocy with competent co-workers and dumb luck.

  21. Jack Chick is in league with satan!!! He uses horrible tracts to make people turn away from Christianity!!!

  22. Whatever it is that the demon in the first panel is holding, it looks so much like a lollipop that when you called it such, I didn’t even realize you were joking. It was after like the third read that I even noticed that it wouldn’t make sense for a demon to have a lollipop. Hm, maybe it’s a poorly drawn version of one of those skinny 1950s gameshow microphones.

  23. Nearly laughed my ass off – again!
    What I hate about your Chick dissections is that I actually have to read the tracts. Their screaming idiocy makes my brain hurt, it’s worse than watching German Idol (ZOMG IDOL STONE THEM!).
    Now, since I actually had to read this tract to enjoy your dissection, I would like to comment on its content: Chick claims that, among other thing, that the devil works through Astrology, Ouija (hell to spell!) boards and the oecumenical movement.
    To paraphrase Team America: “Surprise, cockfag!”
    The main opposition to oecumeny comes from the catholic church, at least here in Germany. Since the age of Enlightenment began, astrology is no more practiced by scientists, but reserved to primitive, superstitious cults, like that one that believes the birth of its Witch Doctor Efendi was foreshadowed by a star over his cradle. And ask a scientist what he thinks about Ouija (hate that word) boards… I presume Joshua from post #12 would be rather displeased with the answer. In summary, it seems that Chick might want to look for new allies.
    Sorry for the long post, and do keep up the good work. I’m looking forward to your next dissection!

  24. I think Dr. Hensley misdiagnosed Ashley’s condition. When he calls the grandmother he’s not wearing his glasses! He misread the chart! They buried Ashley alive when she was just in a coma!

  25. check out the third panel. looks like satan has the peace sign sewed on in his robe! peace is for heathens kids! by the way, satan’s appearance is inconsistent with other tracts where he actually appears with horns and tail (ironically enough, popularized by middle age catholic artisans). also, ive read the bible myself and i dont EVER recall it talking about satan’s appearance. youre a heathen jack!! however, in revelation, it does talk about how jesus looks:
    13And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle.
    14His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;
    15And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters.
    16And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.
    17And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last:
    18I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death. (by the way, this came from jack’s pet bible, the kjv.)

    and this is from the new international version bible, a bible routinely condemned bible:
    turned around to see the voice that was speaking to me. And when I turned I saw seven golden lampstands, 13and among the lampstands was someone “like a son of man,”[b]dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash around his chest. 14His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. 15His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. 16In his right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance.
    17When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: “Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. 18I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.
    19″Write, therefore, what you have seen, what is now and what will take place later. 20The mystery of the seven stars that you saw in my right hand and of the seven golden lampstands is this: The seven stars are the angels[c] of the seven churches, and the seven lampstands are the seven churches.
    not only is this inconsistent with the bald-face depiction that jack gives jesus in his tracts, but i wouldnt find appealing or beautiful a god that has swords coming out of his mouth.

  26. I know that this is an old dissection, but there’s something that’s always pissed me off about the Fundies.

    It’s their moronic fear of the “New World Order”. Firstly, there is no way that there could be a well enough organized worldwide coup that takes all the power in the world. And secondly, in reference to their fear of the UN, didn’t the Bible say something about all the nations living together in peace? Wouldn’t it be a good thing if there was one government, that ruled the whole world, removing sectarian violence? But they’re far to stupid to realize that.

  27. Page 5, Panel 1: Are these playing cards? Guess Chick’s not the only joker here.

    Page 5, Panel 2: NO opposition whatsoever…except one of the most sloppily spent government programs in recent history. And WHY CAN’T I GET MY FACE ON RIGHT?!

  28. About fasting- besides being a form of spiritual cleansing, in Biblical times during the dry season, you couldn’t grow a lot of food, so you had to abstain from eating more than what was necessary. It’s the reason Ramadan takes place when it does.

  29. Wait a sec, I just realized something: Satan here looks like that fundie douchebag Bob from such tracts as “In the Beginning” and “Cleo”, but with a goatee. Could he be Bob’s parallel twin, like from Star Trek? He’s the exact opposite of Bob, advocating drug use, faggotry and everything else fudies hate.

    The only problem is that you can’t spell his name backwards like so many other parallel twins. Fucking palindromes.

  30. Page 8: Cracked gave an excellent take on the United Nations in the article “5 Pathetic Groups that People Think Rule the World.”

    “Well, if your religion teaches that a one-world government will spell doom for mankind (a subject that the Bible actually mentions not at all) well, hell, here’s a place where all of the leaders of the world gather to talk about stuff! That’s practically a one-world government right there!

    After all, the U.N. stops countries from going to war, sucks up money from powerful nations and controls massive amounts of our precious wealth in the form of the International Monetary Fund!

    Actually, it does none of that.

    It tries to, yes, but it fails miserably. The U.N. voted against the war in Iraq, but the U.S. went ahead and did it anyway. The U.N. tried to get countries to interfere in Darfur. They didn’t. And with the I.M.F.’s budget cuts, it’s not hard to see how it hasn’t shattered the hinges off of every vault in Switzerland with all its wealth. Honestly, if an organization couldn’t even force the tiny republic of Mauritania to make slavery illegal until 2007, it’s not in control of the world.”

  31. Page 16: “A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit…shall surely be put to death.”

    Two questions: First, why post the “shall surely be put to death” part if Chick’s not going to obey it?

    Second, do angels that trip people count as “familiars?”

  32. I would also appreciate tone down the swearing a bit but I don’t mind, really. Write in the way that you like to write, and I will write in the way that I like to write. I do like your dissections regardless.

    The “Astrology Sales” chart seem strange. Why is the title covering up the data? Why is there no label on the vertical axis? What are the astrological signs along the bottom for? The only thing I can think of is that it is a chart for the sales of astrology books in one tropical year, and that those are the sun signs at the time which they are sold.

  33. “This is Dr. Hensley. I’m sorry, but Ashley passed away just 10 minutes ago. Call back at 6:45 and we’ll know for sure.”

    ROFL!! Even though these dissections are old, I just recently stumbled upon them. Great work.

  34. That handsome devil!
    Seriously, I like how the devil is good looking in this one. In the bible he was supposed to be the most beautiful angel in heaven. It fits with his evil, deceptive, and manipulative personality. Who the fuck would trust some red fucker with horns and an rich asshole goatee?
    He looks a lot like the younger version of the pastor of my local superchurch, which makes it all the funnier to me when the demons mention excitedly about getting their OWN superchurch soon.

    It’s possible to have an LSD flashback or hallucination, and to have trouble telling if it’s real… for a few seconds.
    Actually, considering that it’s a flashback (and I think she meant earlier that she’s been “down OFF it for a few months”), the flashback would not be that intense.
    Even if she had just taken an LSD at her Christian grandmother’s house for some reason (dumbass, what idiot would do that in that environment if they wern’t ready for an intense trip), then it’s pretty much her fault. And she does has a weak heart, it wasn’t the acid that did it. A shame, but not the acid’s fault.
    (I ruled out the “speed” i.e. cocaine/ampthentamins, because it would take more then 2-3 years of it to give you a heart problem. Maybe if she did speed every day, but then she’d look and act a lot different than she is)

  35. What actually is the point of the whole devil v god battle for souls? What do they each get out of it? Does the Devil actually want souls? If he does, how is he being punished by being allowed to get them?
    Also, just to play some sort of advocate here, the devil responds when people ask him for stuff. It may be stupid, selfish, predictably sex and power related stuff, but the devil always seems to be right there when people need him. God, on the other hand, couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss for basic (equally banal) good requests- peace anywhere, but particularly in the middle east (where God briefly holidayed in the first century) sorry, No. Cure for cancer? Erm… no. Maybe He could stop hunger? No. Let me win the lottery? Ah- that’s selfish, so no. Even if I use some of the money for cancer research, some to build homeless shelters, some to go to organizations that help build peace in the middle east, drug rehabilitation centres etc- something where God apparently does piss all now but where filthy lucre could have a demonstrable benefit- could you make that happen?
    Say what you like about the devil, he seems a damn site more active than God, who lets little old ladies do his work for him, and is happy to let millions die for absolutely no good reason.
    AND ANOTHER THING- given that the Devil wants people’s souls so badly, why is Hell still such a shit hole? Why doesn’t he spruce it up a bit, make it somewhere people are happy to go. Put in a pool and some pubs, throw in risk free drugs and totally guilt free sex, and bung in all those books God didn’t want people to read, all those films we had to watch in expurgated forms, all the artwork that was supposedly blasphemous. Hell’d be a fucking joy.

  36. Panel 21:You’ll pay for this!!….I’m sorry Massa!!!…..I have ways to make you pay…….(BUZZZ!!!)Not the electrified ribbed dildo Massa!!!

  37. “I like how “the enemy” is so clear-cut a concept. Evil always has a face, and the entire world operates in black and whites! There is never any middle ground/grey area/etc!”

    I’d be more concerned about the fact that Ashley is having a normal conversation with a crazy black-robed occultist, myself. Isn’t the standard reaction to that to stare and say “WTF?” to yourself?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *