Chick Dissection | The Accident

“When a priceless carpet is permanently stained, its owner learns that only Jesus’ blood can remove the stain of sin.”

See? Good things CAN come from staining carpets, mom.


The only accident here was that someone mistakenly filled their flask with crude oil.

The emphasis on “priceless treasures” just makes it sound sarcastic. Like the place contains The World’s Largest Human Booger, or necklaces made of toenails, or a chandelier made from beer bottles, or Smelliest Dog Corpse of the British Isles.

Wow, how “fascinating” that a famous treasure would be kept in a locked room. THE VERY THOUGHT OF IT MYSTIFIES AND CONFUSES ME, DAWSON. YOU’RE TOTALLY BLOWING MY MIND.

Also: The implication, apparently, is that there are no other locked rooms at Winthorp Castle.

I have no idea what is taking place in the first panel. I think the old man is arresting a tiger while simultaneously giving the Maharajah a shoulder rub. And he’s apparently wearing armor, or a clam shell on his shoulder, for some reason.

Wait a minute, that’s not Dawson at all! It’s Professor Moriarty, arch-nemesis of Sherlock Holmes!

“[N]ineteen years”, huh? I’ll explain this in just a moment.

Oh, come on – that’s merely a tolerable kitchen, mediocre at best.

In the time you’ve spent standing here discussing the box, had you actually just picked it up and done the job yourself, you probably could’ve been halfway to delivering it to him by now.

Way too much emphasis on “STRAIGHT“. It seems stressed to the point that she wants him to walk in a perfect line, through any walls that might be in the way. And why has Lord Winthorp hired some kind of pig-human chimera, anyway?

So there’s only one locked room at Winthorp Castle… and they leave the key in it.

You know you’re going to run into problems if you hire someone with stink lines. You’re really just asking for it.

Aww, a cute little mousy!

He was speechless because he actually is, it turns out, literally this painting.

“The ‘Carpet of Snow’. It was woven from the hairs of white tigers. And, uh, daddy Winthorp used to store all his blow under it.”

“I have it brushed twice daily! Huh-hyuk huh-hyuk! And I will squeeze it and feed it and I will name it George!” Man, Dawson really hasn’t aged well since, uh, four panels ago. This can’t be the same guy. Whither our dashin’ young Dawson, wif ‘is jaunty top ‘at an’ ‘is proud jaw’r an’ ‘is smashin’ mutton chops?

Ah, the fetishes of nobility. “Your majesty, I have this really nice carpet that I just got that I want you to come over and walk on for me.”

You know, as shitty as Chick’s drawings can be, I do kind of enjoy his MAD Magazine-style “put something kooky in the background” stuff in a few of the panels in this one. HAHA! A SPIDER IS COMING DOWN IN FRONT OF THE PAINTING, AND THE PAINTING IS LOOKING AT IT NERVOUSLY!

Whoa, who the hell’s this, now? Winthorp’s got the horrifying and improbable offspring of Yoda and Glenn Shadix for a doorman?

The once in a lifetime event of walking on a fur rug! HOLY SHIT.

This treasure is priceless beyond measure, woven from the fur of white tigers. Which is why I’m going to slam open the door like a fucking moron!

You know, with a cap that loose on something that’s apparently ink or oil, they were just asking for trouble. Especially when they handed it to the guy with the stink lines and sent him past the only locked room with a key in the door.

WHACK!

SPLASH

MOUSE!

Is that birch bark wallpaper or Morse Code?

You might think his reaction is a little overblown, but dammit, that rug really tied the room together.

He’s either glowing brightly, or turning into a Batman action. I can’t decide which.

Ah, the days before Oxy-Clean. How did mankind ever survive?

And, of course, the new guy is rolled up inside.

Though, this kind of begs the question: If Winthorp doesn’t allow anything with a stain on it in his house, then why did he hire the new guy with the obvious stink lines in the first place?

Okay, a trivial nitpick, here, returning to the “nineteen years” thing, from above: Reportedly, an indeterminate number of “the Maharajah’s people spent nineteen years” working on this thing. Now, given this shot of the rug (and ignoring, for a moment, its apparent Escherian construction – follow the roll, and you’ll notice it somehow switches directions somewhere in the middle), using the mouse for scale, it’s about maybe twelve by thirty feet, tops. Now, according to this article on the weaving of Persian carpets, which, I think, can serve as an accurate representation of carpet weaving in general, “Each nine-square-meter Persian carpet takes one year to be woven.” That’s the equivalent of about 96.9 square feet. The rug, if the estimated proportions of the illustration are accurate, would be about 360 square feet. Thus, it would have only taken about 3 3/4 years to complete this rug, under normal production circumstances. Of course, one would think the Maharajah would’ve had his people put a greater, more concentrated effort into this particular carpet. Even giving Jack the benefit of the doubt of some extra width and length in the carpet and adding a couple additional years of production, “nineteen years” would still be more than double the expected production time. And in the illustration with the old man and the tiger and the Maharajah, granddaddy Winthorp looks sixty at the youngest, so one would think the Maharajah would know to send a gift that the man would have a reasonable likelihood of seeing before he died.

“God in Heaven” as opposed to, what, God Johnson down the street? God in Mexico? God in an Applebee’s?

“What do you mean by that, Dr. Carlton?” “I mean, sir, that you’re a petty pyromaniac asshole who overreacts to insignificance and condemns beautiful things over expectable flaws that you really should’ve been able to predict.”

Nah, they’re alike in that they both get a ring of Batman Action spikes around them when they get angry.

“There’s a stain on your soul because God lets there be a stain on your soul, regardless of how good a person you are. Instead of using his omnipotent powers to undo the ‘original sin’ of Adam, or to bring himself to just plain not give a shit about something so trivial as the creatures he created to be curious and stupid actually exploring the world around them, getting tricked and disobeying him, he instead created this arcane and generally baffling system that’s like a big game of Intangible Hide and Seek so that you can guess at what you’re supposed to do or think or feel and to what extent in order to not end up tortured for the rest of eternity. Which is, by the way, the default outcome for your life. Because he loves you.”

“Even if you lied to keep someone from having hurt feelings – even if they were suicidal and telling them the truth would’ve driven them to kill themselves. You’re still a horrible sinner in God’s eyes for any lie, at all, regardless of context, because God is apparently incapable of thinking complexly, and everything must be broken down into oversimplified dualities for his dullard mind. You unimaginable bastard.”

Monocle off…

…and back on again. Plus, his legs appear to be coming right out of his chest, like his body just kind of skipped everything between the nipples and knees. I mean, I know Jack’s trying for perspective and all, but look where the top of the sheet is. It meets the bedpost.

LA LA LA! I’M COMPLETELY GULLIBLE AND I’VE NEVER HEARD OF RELIGION BEFORE!

Like, I dunno. I doubt people this stupid and weak-willed actually exist in real life, but if they did, I bet you could convince them of just about anything. You could convince them that, say, Wilford Brimley is really a magical dragon who eats insulin to retain his human form, and that he can be transformed back and banished to the hollow underground land of his ancestors beneath Mount Pinatubo using an amulet carried by Marc Linn-Baker the guy who played “Cousin Larry” on the sitcom Perfect Strangers, made from the bladder tumor of the late Telly Savalas preserved in the crystallized urine of Oprah Winfrey, and that in doing so, you rid everyone in the world of their sins, but take on the greatest sin of all, which can only be absolved by chanting the lyrics to Blondie’s “Heart of Glass” through a hair comb embedded in an onion while a kid with Down Syndrome plays “Danny Boy” on an accordion as you both stand knee-deep in the blood of newborn ants.

I mean, come on, anyone who just unquestioningly believes a contrived, random story about some arbitrary, unobservable, post-death protocol and a magical, all-powerful, imperceptible Sky-Daddy who stalks your every move and for whatever reason looks exactly like a human has got to buy just about any old bullshit. Like, what would be their limit, do you think? How unabashedly ridiculous would something have to be in order for them to stop, give you a funny look, and go “nuh-uhhh”?

“Should I become religious… and do good works?” “That will NOT remove the stain from your soul.” “Okay, good, can I kill this owl out on the ledge, then? I don’t like the way he looks at me, and he’s always asking me personal questions about the people I know.”

You know, what the fuck’s the point? If actions are irrelevant, why even bother doing anything good at all? Of course, Jack seems to go back and forth on this, because if actions really are irrelevant, then it kind of destroys their argument about gays going to hell. There’s kind of a conflicting message going on here: A) “You can’t be gay or have pre-marital sex or (list of myriad other arbitrary things), because you’ll go to hell. All your actions are recorded, and will be played before God after you die!” B) “You can accept Jesus at any point prior to your death, and as long as you really super-duper mean it, regardless of what you did in life, you’ll go to heaven.” Meaning, of course, that having your life played back for you is kind of meaningless. Like, do you think God looks at the chart, looks at you, sighs, rolls his eyes (which he, as, y’know, an omnipotent being actually has, for some reason) and goes, “Aw, fuck, you found the loophole. Me-dammit. Well, enjoy. NEXT!”?

Yes, we ALL deserve eternal torture because the first man and woman alive did a bad thing that earned them God’s disapproval. Even assuming Adam and Eve were real, wouldn’t that just make God the biggest and most petty of assholes, with an unbeatable record for grudge-holding? If a person can forgive their friend for sleeping with their significant other, or the family of a murder victim can forgive the killer, then don’t you think God – who, by the way, one would think wouldn’t be emotionally limited in the same way as lowly man – could forgive people he created as stupid and easily led and naturally curious for eating an apple he told them not to eat?

And, as reader Dogmeat points out in the comments of the “In The Beginning” Dissection:

In Genesis God tells Adam not to eat of the apple, “for on that day you shall surely die”. Meaning instant death, not death by aging.

The serpent says that they will not die, but their eyes shall be opened, and that God knows this.

After they eat the fruit, the scriptures themselves say that their eyes were opened.

Doesn’t that make the serpent the one who told the truth?

The painting in the background is angrily checking out the maid’s ass. And I’ll bet she’s thinking “Oh, no, someone’s got Master Winthorp all riled up again. Last time, Professor Wittingsly convinced him the butter was haunted.”

God demands innocent blood! Because he is, might I remind you, love. You know, he’s supposedly all powerful – why couldn’t he have people do some other arbitrary thing that doesn’t involve expunging a living thing? I dunno, hold a fish under your armpit, turn around three times and spit, or something. Comb a giraffe. Anything.

Isn’t it kind of selfish to slaughter something innocent to cleanse your own sins? Not only is God a massive, massive prick for forcing people to perform this extremely arbitrary violent activity, he’s just plain horrible for eternally punishing people who couldn’t bring themselves to kill an innocent living thing. What the cock is that shit? You know, Lucifer only wanted to usurp the throne of God. God routinely tortures people for eternity, and for a long time demanded people kill innocent things for him or they, too, would be punished forever. (He’s also depicted as advocating a whole bunch of other horrible things, including genocide.) Who’s really “evil”, here?

Or, better yet, fundies are always talking about how fossils are a trick of The Debbil. Of course, they’ve never stopped to wonder if these horrible things presumably being demanded of humans – like killing other people and the advocation of genocide and slaughtering innocent living things and bearing seething hatred for gays – isn’t all some kind of illusion that Satan or Lucifer or Michael Medved or whatever he calls himself uses to get people to do cruel and awful things without really intending to.

It’s not necessarily “Once and for all” if it’s still this big stupid guessing game people have to play with contradicting, arbitrary rules governing behavior and action. And God’s supposedly omnipotent – there weren’t any easier and more effective and sweeping of solutions? I don’t really see, either, how embracing the sense of shame that came only after Adam and Eve ate the apple is supposed to get people closer to God.

The maid is now beating her head against the door in frustration. *THUNK* *THUNK* “Not again… it took months to get him to stop leaving fried eggs on the windowsills to ‘ward away the fitful spirit of Teddy Roosevelt’.”

Spirits reproduce through overshadowing.

I like how the Bible was written long before anyone had any idea what “genetics” was.

Omnipotent beings have blood, for some reason.

If Jesus was an innocent with sinless blood because it was God’s blood, then do animals – who are also innocent and apparently sinless – have God’s blood, too?

At least he got the nail positioning right. In most Christian imagery, they usually have the nails going through the palms, which would prove incapable of supporting the weight of a human and would tear through the hands.

It wouldn’t be a Chick Tract without this particular excerpt from the Bible in it. You know, one of about a dozen Jack is actually familiar with.

I think Djur said it best: “It’s like I was mad at you, but then I cut myself and decided that was enough for you to be forgiven. Utterly ludicrous.”

Heavens yes, Doctor, I believe every word you’re saying without question. Please tell me more about this… ‘Amway’ of which you speak.”

Why do all of Chick’s antagonists look Jewish or have some kind of a stereotypically Jewish characteristic? Look at that hooked nose, for instance.

Christ’s Salve(-ation) will take the hook right out of your nose!™

Repenting his sins has turned him into Michael Gross, apparently.

“The stain is GONE! Un-burn the carpet, I think I can pray that stain out, too!”


Jesus Blood will get your whites whiter, your darks darker, and won’t fade your colors! Now available in “Ocean Mist” and “Spring Rain”.

Stay tuned for more Chick Dissections. Tell your friends!

30 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | The Accident”

  1. I assume it took 19 years because of all the white tiger breeding –or inbreeding– thing. But still, burning the carpet that probably took the lives of many white tigers and maybe a handful of tiger breeders is a bit too rash. I’d take it with humor, put random spots of oil everywhere and say it was done with dalmation’s hairs. Then swear to never hire stinky folk unless their resume say they can manage to travel from point A to B with safety.

  2. I kind of thought that about the “having to actually raise/breed the white tigers”, too, but I figured why wouldn’t he pick a gift of equal extravagance that had a better chance of getting to the old man before he died?

    Also, heehee! re: the dalmation thing.

  3. Yeah, it would probably take quite a while to get all those tigers. Probably not something they would breed, but would have to hunt.

  4. Seriously, we’re not supposed to blink at the whole “God is like a crazy old rich man” metaphor? I sort of wish I believed in anything, so that I could get pissed at how blasphemous these things are.

  5. You missed something in the animal sacrifice panel- it says that God has always demanded the shedding of innocent blood, except in Old Testament times, it didn’t do what it was supposed to do. It only covered the sins, it didn’t erase them.

    So God told the Hebrews to sacrifice animals so their sins would be forgiven, but was lying to them?

  6. I think you should do “Flight 144” or “Apes, Lies, and Ms. Henn”. I think you could be really funny with either of them

  7. I love the way, in the next to last panel, the Doctor smiles at Winthorp while caressing his jaw. “Wouldn’t you like to have that stain of sin removed from your pretty, firm, immaculately shaven jaw? Let me massage it out. Oh, yes…”

  8. So basically, if I ask God nicely, he’ll clean my carpets for free? But what about the linoleum? And what if I get hardwood? Then what, huh? HUH?!?!

  9. When Chick talks about Jesus being innocent with sinless blood, I think he means it was because he was not conceived though sex which all good christians know is something “dirty”.

  10. I think the tract comes full circle in the last panel when Winthrop achieves the circular batman action bubble. We all know that thanks to His sometimes merciful sometimes vengeful always confusing decision, Winthrop has, dare i say, evolved beyond pointy action lines.

  11. Arent white tigers endangered? If you can breed enough white tigers to make a 360 square food rug out of thier fur, why not release them to the wild instead of killing all of them. Thats like cooking a big enough pizza to rid the world of hunger, eating a few bites and then throwing it out.

    Also, it occurs to me that the bible enforces evolutionary theory (not that it needs to be enforced, mind you, because it has already been basically proven, except for the whole monkey thing which is fine cuz its just a huge misconception…) in the story of Noah. His family was (I assume) all of the same race. Somehow, we have incredible diversity. EVOLUTION! The family members that moved to Africa were better suited with dark skin, and BAM! EVOLUTION. To survive, the family members in Asia developed narrowed eyes and natural acrobatic talent…BAM! Evolution!

    Finally, look at the 25ish panel, where Adam is eating the fruit. What the hell is Eve doing to him? Here adam, while you enjoy this apple, i’ll massage your biceps. She also appears to have a hole in her cheek and has a pained expression… what the hell? Maybe she just wants a bite “ADAM COME ON LET ME TRY THE APPLE!” “No, Eve, remember what happened last time? it all came squirting out your cheek-hole and you cried for hours.” “C’mon adam, maybe if I massage your arm enough you’ll let me try?”

    1. “…) in the story of Noah. His family was (I assume) all of the same race. Somehow, we have incredible diversity. EVOLUTION! The family members that moved to Africa were better suited with dark skin, and BAM! EVOLUTION.”

      That theory can get pretty fucked up, depending on the Christian you talk to.
      In the bible, there is a part in Noah’s story after the flood where Noah makes a vineyard, gets drunk, and konks out in his tent naked.
      One of his sons, Ham, sees him naked and giggles about it to his brothers, who go and cover up their dad’s balls without looking at him, and then Noah says: “Cursed be Canaan[Ham’s kid]; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.”
      And…that…is where some Christians think black people come from… T_T

      There’s also the one about how Cain’s mark (after killing his bro) is…BLACK SKIN.

  12. Man, good stuff! Jack CHick, like many Fundies proof textes scripture. For instance, they never finish Paul’s thought-read Eph 2:10.

    Also, in the end, a man thinking he is saved on his own feelings is Gnosticism!

    Further, since Christ was True God AND True man, he would have gotten 1/2 his DNA and blood from Mary!! Fundies do not like to think of that. After all, they throw Mary out like trash, so they think Christ did too (so much for Honor Your .. and Mother). Again, we see Nestorianism and Manchienism going on here.

    Fine work, albeit a bit sarcastic on religion in general, but good at exposing how childish Chick is.

    http://catholicresistence.bravejournal.com/

  13. “Again, we see Nestorianism and Manchienism going on here.”

    Oh no! Those sick bastards are heretics! They’ve corrupted the precious myth of Jesus in disgusting and precedented ways!! They’re making the Lord God and also his son Jesus, who are the same person, and the Holy Ghost, who is also the same as the other two, but not really the same, very sad!

  14. So people are judged by faith and not by actions huh? So lets say you have a man who is deeply religious and for whatever he goes and rapes a few children before he dies. He has more right to be in heaven than a child who died from sickness before it could even speak?

  15. of course the rapist has more right to be in heaven. especially if he was a catholic priest. if that child couldn’t speak, how could it tithe 10% of its earnings to the church?

  16. Well, speaking of children going to hell, you have to remember the “age of accountability” idea, that God doesn’t punish children for their sins until they’re old enough to understand, or think about consequences, or stop being cute and cuddly, or something.

    This seems a common Protestant idea. In Jack Chick’s “The Last Generation”, the evil toddler with the SS uniform goes to hell, but with the explanation: “Bobby grew up and died in his sins.”

    Of course, there are folks such as Kirk “Growing Pains” Cameron and the other folks at “Way of the Master”, who used the bible to say that God killed King David’s son and sent him to hell to teach King David a lesson.

    I listened to a show by them for an hour, and was in tears, feeling that if they could edit the bible and put hundreds of pages describing the torture and mutilation for their fun, they would.

    If such a thing as God exists, it had better not be the version who wants to make as much flesh as possible to eternally barbecue.

  17. I think I would have cut off the bit with the stain and just had a slightly smaller rug.

    “I mean, sir, that you’re a petty pyromaniac asshole who overreacts to insignificance and condemns beautiful things over expectable flaws that you really should’ve been able to predict.”

    That seems more plausible than the analogy Chick was going for.

    I’ve read a lot of your dissections and laugh until I can’t breathe. Please do more!

  18. man… you just always manage to fit in at least one overwhelmingly fabulous reference in these, one reference that makes me fall over laughing.

    perfect quote if any of us meets Jack Chick’s god. “Man I got certain information, alright? Certain things have come to light… and… ah… you know… ah…. Has it ever occurred to you… ah… that instead of… ah… instead of running around… ah… blaming me… given the nature of all this new shit… you know this could be… ah-lot more ah ahhh complex… I mean its not just… I mean it might not just be such a simple ah… ahh… you know?”

    and The Dude abides.

  19. Oh, and when Carlton mentions that God will allow no stained soul to be allowed into heaven, why in the world does Winthorp automatically assume Carlton is talking about HIM? Seriously, Carlton says Winthorp is “like God in heaven,” because “no soul will be allowed into heaven with a stain on it,” then out of nowhere His Lordship demands to know, “How could there be a stain on MY soul?” What made him think Carlton even meant him?

  20. I’m glad you brought up the Oxy Clean, that was my first thought when I saw this one:

    “Now we’re going to make this soul REAL dirty by rubbing greasy chicken entrails all over it!”
    “We’ll never get that clean!”

    I know I’m reading these things backwards, so my comment is coming right at the end, but in some of these things, Jack insists that other religions are religions are religions of fear and that his own never uses fear (ever). So why is this like the third strip I’ve seen where someone is saved after saying “Wow, I’m scared/you’re scaring me”?

  21. That part about Wilford Brimley is probably the most awesome thing I have ever read. I might just make a religion based on that one paragraph.

  22. Good dissection, my favourite part was: “What do you mean by that, Dr. Carlton?” “I mean, sir, that you’re a petty pyromaniac asshole who overreacts to insignificance and condemns beautiful things over expectable flaws that you really should’ve been able to predict.”
    Beautiful relation to God there.

  23. Right. I’m attempting to keep the British end up here. Firstly- no grand castle has white formica cabinets in the Great Kitchen. This is not the early nineteen sixties in Cheshire, it’s a bloody castle. With a peer of the bloody realm in residence. These guys charge us millions for their decor, they could have wardrobes made out of the wood from the bastard ark in there on expenses- there’s no way they went to Habitat and got some wipe clean whit wall hung affairs. Secondly, why is the chandelier lit in the middle of the day? Ours is a cold grey little island, set in a shining sea that serves in the office of nacre, gradually enveloping the whole place, but really. Chandelier, middle of the day. Thirdly, TAKE YOUR BLOODY HAT OFF. You’re indoors, man. That may be what they do over there, in the colonies, but in Britain we do things properly. We include all the letters in our words, we never say exactly what we mean and we DO NOT WEAR OUR HATS IN THE HOUSE. It’s what made this nation great. Although it’s not entirely clear when this is set, it looks to be Edwardian or late Victorian. A British peer at that time would most likely not have been baptised. He would have been Christened. Into the Church of England. Of course, Winthorpe could be, you know, Welsh… but then it can hardly have been a surprise that he was going to hell. Also the Empire on maps was always shown in red. What colour is Hell? I think Lord Winthorpe will do just fine, thank you kindly cousin Jonathan.

  24. I think actually we can whittle down where Winthorpe is from. He’s been baptized- so he’s non-conformist, so he’s not English. He’s presumably not Irish gentry either, because he’s apparently never heard of Jesus Christ and sin and redemption and the entire Judeo-Christian mythopoetic tradition, and the Irish have always been tremendously keen on that sort of thing. And he’s not a Scot because he’s lied. As everyone knows, that’s something no true Scotsman could ever do. Winthorp’s a taffy. I realise to anyone not from the UK this seems pretty pointless. I never claimed it wasn’t.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *