Chick Dissection | It’s Your Life

This ain’t a Tract for the broken hearted. A silent prayer for faith departed. You ain’t gonna be just a guy handing out Christian comics at a college, I’m gonna hear your voice when you rant your fundie knowledge…

It’s your liiiiiife, and it’s now or never. You’re not gonna live forever! You just wanna live while you’re alive. You’re heart is like an open highway. Like Jesus said, you did it your way. You just wanna live while you’re alive. It’s. Your. Life.

…Sorry.

What amuses me about this one is that on the list of Tracts on Chick’s site, this is one of several noted as being “Adapted for black audiences”. I guess that means “ssh! Pass this one out to the darkies“. Is black salvation different from white salvation? What must, for instance, Mexicans do differently from, say, Inuits in order to achieve salvation? And how do Asians fit into God’s plan?

Read on to find out! (Hint: Or not!)


This one’s about, I dunno, black people being black, doing black things, getting their black on, blacking it up, and Jesus. Or something like that. For blacks.

Is he inflating her head? What’s going on? It looks like he’s playing her skull like a trumpet.

“WHAAA?” I think his confusion stems from the fact that he’s clutching the wrong side of his chest, which is, y’know, kind of where a person wouldn’t expect to be having a heart attack.

So, he drops the wine glass straight down in the first frame, yet in the second, it looks like it ends up about four feet above the head of his fallen corpse, somehow managing to displace itself approximately nine feet. SURELY THIS IS A MIRACLE OF GOD. And why wouldn’t they have carpeting in their seemingly otherwise very comfortable room?

I’d like to know, by the way, what the aforepictured woman is doing during all of this.

Regarding the Bible passage in this panel and the previous one: In other words, don’t spend your last night enjoying what little you have left of your life – be miserable instead and spend each moment dreading your inevitable demise!

You know, this is an interesting angle and all, but it just looks like they buried him with his legs sticking out of the ground. And, I dunno, some rabbit ears or something.

So wait a second: Only after he’s been carted off to the mortuary, embalmed, laid out in his finest suit, and finally buried in the ground for an indeterminate amount of time does his soul finally leave his body? What in fuck was it doing all that time?

What is he, in the ground, on the ground? I don’t get it. And why does he have to be naked, Jack?

Uhh, did we skip a line? The word “judgment” hasn’t been mentioned in any of the dialog until this point.

Wait, no, seriously, Jack must have taken out a panel. This just doesn’t make any sense at all. Suddenly the guy is standing up and there’s an angel there and instead of being all “HOLY WTF ANGEL”, he just yelps “JUDGMENT?” like it had been brought up in conversation.

“Come, you have an appointment. Due to weight restrictions, I’m afraid I can only take your head, right arm, and shoulder.”

“I’m sorry we had to leave most of your body behind. It’s just… really hard for me to fly with one big wing on my back and one tiny wing growing out of my left ear.”

(Yes, yes, I know Jack (or, actually, his stand-in illustrator, in this case, I believe) is trying to do perspective and all, but even so, that wing is way too small, too far forward, and seems to be growing out of a spot somewhere in the air behind his head.)

I’ve led a really good life! Here, let me rub your shoulders to demonstrate such! Er, though, wait, how is he doing that with those wings in the way? Somehow he’s standing between the angel and the angel’s own wings. And he’s got a really stumpy left upper arm.

“No, not one! Not even Jesus! Seriously! Fuck the whole lot of you! Filthy, filthy, filthy!” Romans 3:11

Ah, so by “Adapted for black audiences”, Jack means that he made God slightly grey.

With Ralph Edwards!

Wait, “review”? But I thought once you go black, you can never go back. (TIP YOUR WAITRESS)

The kid’s not even playing the drum, it’s just sitting near it and shaking.

So after you’re dead, you have to watch your whole life all over again on a movie screen in space? Gah, how fucking boring. Isn’t this just like that really, really bad trip described in Philip K. Dick’s A Scanner Darkly? “Your sins will be read to you ceaselessly, in shifts.”

I’d imagine the difference is that in hell, you have to watch it over and over and over and over again forever.

“Hey, God here. Yeah, remember that time you got a boner? Well, unfortunately, because of that, you’ll be having hot coals shoveled into your rectum while centipedes run races through your urethra, for the rest of time. Oh, and that whole ‘finding a woman attractive’ thing doesn’t help your case, either.”

I’m confused: I’m not supposed to want to fuck guys, but I’m not supposed to want to fuck women, either? Should I even ASK if I should be wanting to have sex at ALL?

UMMM NICE” He’s not masturbating – he doesn’t even look aroused. He looks taken aback, and angry.

“Whoremonger”? This guy was a pimp? And since when is whispering considered a sin? I guess horse whisperers must be ESPECIALLY on God’s shit list.

I tell ya, it’s a good thing there aren’t any fundamentalist Christians who exhibit any of these traits. They make the world such a pleasant and peaceful fuckin’ place, huh?

I’m beginning to think Jack only really knows about a dozen passages from the Bible, tops. There are the two vague references to homosexuality, a few about hell and the devil, one or two particularly prescient ones pertaining specifically to Dungeons and Dragons, a few about Noah’s ark, a few about Genesis (post Peter Gabriel), and this one, which appears in every single fucking Tract.

If he has this negative an attitude, why is he even bothering to go? Ah, right, so that Jack can claim that the guy was, in fact, informed about Jesus. Because fundies seem to have trouble arguing why God can justifiably send a person to hell who’s never even really heard of the whole “Jesus salvation” thing, so they tend to avoid the topic entirely. GOD IS LOVE.

Wait, God’s white again. What happened to his grey tone from a few panels back? Guess Jack is (or his readers are) just a little uncomfortable having a black man demonstrating authority, or something. I wonder if the missing panel earlier on was something that was “whitewashed” as well.

Nobody’s name appears – from the look of it, that book is blank.

“Get in the box.”

Ooh, I like their muscle-tissue-patterned wallpaper.

Hrm, I think it’s still technically “life eternal”, even if you’re being tortured throughout all of it. I mean, you’re continuing to exist in one form or another, even if you’re having your anus raked with molten sporks.

Hold on… do only the “sinful” things you do before you die count? I mean, if you jerked off to internet porn in heaven, would you get kicked out? If so, what in fuck is the point of this whole “judgment” process, then? If not, why not? What makes pre-death sins so important? And if you can’t jerk off in heaven, is it really paradise?

Oof, and the genitals are the first thing to hit the flame. Ouch.

So, based on their little film reel, all this guy did in his life was tell dirty stories, be attracted to a woman on TV, ignore a priest, and vibrate while sitting next to a drum. Now, even if those were the only things he ever did, and he never did anything kind or nice or thoughtful or selfless for anyone else, why do his actions bear the consequence of eternal torture? I mean, man, God is really going overboard with this whole “love” thing, huh?

Totally ripped off from the movie Clue. I can even hear the music playing over it.

“That’s how it could have happened…

…But what about this?”

I guess what this passage from the Bible is saying is that God created people to be incredibly stupid, self-centered, insatiably horny, and easily affected by the world around them, down to the most trivial of experiences, and it’s some kind of arbitrary game they all have to play to find their way back to him like lost idiot sheep he scattered far away from himself and confused with an illusory world. What the fuck is WRONG with this guy? And how come I always get arrested when I try to do the exact same thing with children in my basement?

Jesus said, “verily, verily, verily, verily, life is but a dream.” John 3:3

So the key to redemption is to be a gullible moron who’ll believe anything anyone tells them about some system of arbitrary protocols that exist outside the range of human observation.

Oh, and by the way, which part, exactly, of the Bible do you believe? The one part, or the part that contradicts the first one, or the other part that contradicts and is contradicted by both of those? Or the other parts that all do the same things to each other? I mean, if you believe it all equally and fractally, you’ve got to be one confused motherfucker.

“DO MORE MUNDANE TASKS! CONTINUE TO BE INCREDIBLY BORING! MORE EMPTY SYMBOLISM! HUAGAULGUALUALGUALUAUL!” Sayeth the Lord.

You know, I, too, got on my knees and asked God what he wanted me to do. He said “MORE CHICK DISSECTIONS”. So there. He also said he was going to give me a pony and a Chevy Nova.

“By ‘fine’, of course, sir, I mean ‘very thin’. He’s the perfect man to take over running wires through the walls!”

What the hell is he clutching at now? Is he having a thyroid explosion or something? What the fuck? Maybe he’s giving birth to some kind of trachea-parasite alien. The “striking chest” effect does, after all, make it look like there’s a large bulge forming under his hand, like something’s about to pop out.

“WELL DONE! A WINNAR IS U! U WON LIFE! LOLZ! ENTER UR INITIALS!” 1 Corinthians 13:37

God’s black again. I haven’t quite figured out the pattern on that one. Whatever.

As Janet points out: “WELL DONE, THOU GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT!” Way to go, Uncle Tom! Yeah, a Tract that praises servitude is something that’s really going to appeal to black people.


Yeah, standard Chick fucknuttery. The thing about this one is that I really don’t understand why he had to specifically note that this was “for black audiences”. Why couldn’t he have just had this one be about this black guy and his life and death without any specific mention of target race? There have been plenty of people of various races and ethnicities in his other Tracts, and he hasn’t made special mention of it as targeting some specific group or groups. And why was God seemingly of darker complexion from a distance, but white up close?

Anyway, if it turns out God exists, and he’s so fucking petty that he plays a movie of my entire life, nit-picking every little pedantic trifle like an obsessive ex who secretly tapes and then transcribes all of your conversations to throw in your face in the event of your breakup, I’m just going to politely ask him to stop the tape so that I can dive off the cliff into hell without any further ado. Sheesh.

Until next time. (Hopefully next week.)

36 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | It’s Your Life”

  1. I don’t know what to think of the whole “white people get white angels, black people get black angels” convention. It sort of almost implies that in Chick’s theology, there’s a separate Black Heaven.

  2. ok in panel 14 he claims he’s a teenager on the film-o-life but it looks like he’s 35-40 years old WTF, and i think that Chick thinks heaven is still stuck in the 50’s pre-Rosa Parks where everything’s segregated they get (refering to another dissection) their own personal jesus, god and angels.

  3. Welcome fucking back, man! You’ve been gone so long I was emotionally bereft. I tried dissecting my own Chick tracts, but it just wasn’t the same.

  4. Hah, sorry about that. Went through a busy spell on top of a lazy spell and then went on vacation for the holidays. Things will hopefully be back and running pretty regularly again. I’m not going to make any promises, but I’m hoping to pull off a Chick Dissection a week, or every 1.5 weeks or so.

    Flattering that I was missed. Thanks! And thanks for continuing to read.

  5. Hah, sorry about that. Went through a busy spell on top of a lazy spell and then went on vacation for the holidays.

    And then he realized his wicked ways and repented, accepting Chick into his heart cross hairs once again.

  6. liked it… started cackling in stitches like i always tend to do when something is over normal funny, but thaats both good and normal.

    i first discovered chick was an idiot in dark dungeons but now i laugh at his lousy artwor and terrible, unstudied plotline on any dissection.

    i think jack will be rather surprised when He looks into the boook of life and discovers his name AIN”T IN IT!

    i think he’s racist.

  7. “It sort of almost implies that in Chick’s theology, there’s a separate Black Heaven.”

    Unfortunately, I think in Chick’s theology, if you have to spend eternity with any of the darker races, it really can’t be called Heaven.

  8. I know Chick started adapting his tracts recently, and for the life of me I don’t know why. His latest one didn’t even change the name of the “Star”. So let me get this straight; the same cleaning lady happened to lead two seperate actors named Douglas Ford to Christ in exactly the same way? Incredible!

    Good to see you’ve started doing these dissections again, BTW. I love ’em!

  9. On the why God changes colour when far away and up close, I got the answer! Maybe you have seen those stickers with the funky cartoon character that changes position depending on which angle you see it? I believe it’s the same concept.

    And, the joy of being with God is moving from one side to the other, trying to find the angle were both black and white are seen together… What? It’s not like they said heaven would be all about four-foot trophies and hand-jobs.

  10. You are getting way to sacrcastic on this one.

    But yes, Chick-and other Fundies-know only a few scripture quotes-mostly taken out of context and pieced together.

    Most claim to read the Bible, more like a dozen, out there and in space vacuum

  11. “But yes, Chick-and other Fundies-know only a few scripture quotes-mostly taken out of context and pieced together.”

    It’s such a pity that they pick and choose which parts of the turd they’d like to eat, when everyone knows that you have to eat the whole pile of shit to really let the Lord into your heart.

  12. On page 13 were the guy is wondering about the game in church made me think of a quote from Homer Simpson. There was that episode where he decided to stop going to church and then he started talking to God and asked him “Why should I sit through an hour of church each Sunday to be told how I’m going to go to Hell?”

    And it’s funny how being disobedient to your parents is presented as being so shameful to God (page 12). It’s a part of growing up for petes sake, every kid does it.

  13. Anyone else reminded of the game Altered Beast witht the “Arise!” panel?

    and anyone check out the people in the background of the eulogy scene (particularly the guy with the huge afro)?

  14. THIS IS j00R LIFE!!!!!!!OMGLOLZ1111111onehundred!
    WE HAVE 2 GET TEH LITTLE RED BOOK OUT LOLZ!!!!!cheese

    That black dude is fucking rolling in it. Is he supposed to be George Foreman? If not, who? He looks like a stretched version of Gary Coleman in the first panel.

    Who’s the guy supposed to be looking at on the tv screen? Tatyana Ali? Seems Chick-boy has more racist stereotypes than we imagined. He seems to assume all black people like Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Speaking of that, the angel looks like an older version of Will Smith.

    Now what the feck is the look on Foreman’s/Coleman’s face supposed to be? He’s sweating. That looks liek the sort of expression characters have when they’re suddenly suprised.
    He soesn’t look suddenly suprised-he’s known about hell for a long while by now.

    Personally, I’d expect to see a large stream of brown vapour arching over the cliff edge and coming from his ass where he’s just shat himself with fear and it all then evaporated.

  15. “WELL DONE! A WINNAR IS U! U WON LIFE! LOLZ! ENTER UR INITIALS!” 1 Corinthians 13:37

    That was hilarious. Chick Tracts are already funny enough (unintentionally (presumably)) funny enough on their own, but your commentary just makes them funnier. Keep up the good work!

    Also, I think this one’s kind of racist in a way. I mean, what, does he think black people can’t relate to anything unless everybody in it is black?

    And there’s the whole “blah blah blah thinking about sex and telling dirty jokes is a sin worthy of eternal torment blah blah yackity smackity” thing going on in this one, too. Jesus, God is harsh. Am I going to go to hell for telling a dirty limerick or something? What a jerk.

  16. <blockquote> </blockquote> around whatever you want to quote.

    You’re right, separating “black understanding” from “white understanding” is rather a racist sentiment. He’s actually going through and redoing a bunch of his Tracts as “modified for blacks”, for some reason. I can’t quite figure out why.

    Anyway, thanks, glad you found it funny.

  17. He’s actually going through and redoing a bunch of his Tracts as “modified for blacks”, for some reason. I can’t quite figure out why.

    He’s probably doing it to try and convince people he’s not racist after he said something racist or something.

  18. Wait, when was the Grim Reaper a part of Christian theology? I thought it just kind of…happened, pretty much independent of religion, just because of how people cut withered crops. I think this is the only time the Reaper is ever portrayed in a tract.

  19. Did anyone else notice that in the opening panels the main character is dressed like a king of some pre-industrial African nation? The rest of the time (when he’s not naked)he is dressed like some sweaty slob? And where in the Bible is shaking near a drum described as a sin?

  20. Uh…dude. God is Lord Voldemort. That explains the really, really white (but well-outlined) face, his baldness, and lack of facial hair or a nose. And why he hates muggles like us. 🙂

  21. As I understand it, these were originally intended for people in English-speaking black countries (Jamaica and some parts of Africa, for example.) Missionaries have reported that not presenting Christianity as “white” makes their work easier.

    Keep on dissecting…just wanted to get that straight.

  22. What’s the point of reviewing a whole life if just doing the acceptance ritual is the only important thing?? They didn’t show that missionary couple getting their life reviewed. I guess Chick’s God knew he’d have to sit through seeing a whole bunch of redeeming, beautiful acts of kindness, and he really doesn’t give a shit about that stuff. He just wants to rub your nose in it if you’ve sinned all your life.

  23. “I acknowledge Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal savior”

    ‘Hey, the name’s Christ. Jesus Christ. Call me JC. Lost? Yeah. You look lost. I’m a personal savior. $40 an hour, but tell you what, I like you. Make it $20. Here’s my card.’

  24. Not surprising. This is an adaptation of his first tract “This was your life!” (Some cultures can only speak in present tense, of course.) This tract exists in 65 languages, with facial alterations for respective races.

  25. Page 1: Okay, Jack, time for scrutiny by a graphic designer: it generally helps to finish your drawings before publishing them. Either shade the rest of the picture, or leave it at line art.

    Page 2: Thanatos. Jack Chick not believes in Thanatos but he believes Thanatos wears what appears to be a burlap sack on his head.

    Page 4: I estimate that projectile shit weighs 12.2 Courics. No wonder he’s wearing that expression; he’ll probably be leaving his ass back on earth like a launchpad.

    Page 5: “Tell me…is my deodorant still working?”

    Page 10: Because sitting naked in front of a drum and vibrating is sinful! SINFUL!

    Page 19: No kidding. Muscle-fiber wallpaper must’ve been in vogue in 2006.

  26. Actually, look close. Not /all/ of the characters there are black. Panel 21 (I think, the one right before the second version of the death scene that’s showing all the mundane life stuff). The guy who’s calling him ‘one of our best workers’ is white…

  27. I find it hard to believe that a guy who did an average life’s worth of sinning deserves the same punishment as say, a genocidal dictator. I much prefer Dante’s rings of hell tuvm.

  28. “Is he inflating her head? What’s going on? It looks like he’s playing her skull like a trumpet.”

    They must engage in some REALLY weird sex games. “Ohhh, that’s right, baby, you know how I like it. Let’s play the trombone game next.” As for what she is doing while he’s dying of a heart attack…. I don’t think he’s having a heart attack. I think she poisoned his wine and is now standing off-frame with a look of smug satisfaction at all the insurance money she’ll soon be collecting.

    That angel is HOT! Seriously, I’d hit that any day. Mmmmm, sweet, sweet angel sex…. Wait, aren’t they supposed to be sexless, according to Christian mythology? Then why does this one look male? What would be the point of making an angel have a masculine face if they are supposed to basically be genderless?

    That baby with the drum looks totally stoned. Did his parents put weed in his milk?

  29. for black audiences means there are no none black characters. Black people are incapable of understanding poorly plotted fables unless they consist entirely of other black characters. Put one middle eastern, hispanic or white person in there, black people won’t know what’s going on. Is it reading too much into this to suggest that this shows an inherent racism on the part of these fundies? There’s no explicit condemnation of other races, but there is a sin of omission- I mean as well as there being no non-black people at the funeral there is the quite blatant message that there is a black heaven that is not white heaven. Grey God totally has the voice of Barry White though, and I bet any money the black angel was originally Gabriel’s sassy sidekick.

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