Ten Commandments (v2.0)

So, apparently Moses fucked up and broke the original ten commandments, and God gave him a second set. Funny thing is, there doesn’t seem to be as much of a clamor from fundamentalists to get this set of ten posted in as many public places as possible. I think maybe they just forgot. So let’s all get together and help them out by demanding that the following ten (real, handed down by God himself, according to the Bible) commandments be placed in every public school and government building in the country:

(Exodus 34)

[11] Observe thou that which I command thee this day: behold, I drive out before thee the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Hivite, and the Jebusite.
[12] Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a snare in the midst of thee:
[13] But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves:
[14] For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:
[15] Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods , and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice;
[16] And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.
[17] Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
[18] The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt.
[19] All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male.
[20] But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty.
[21] Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.
[22] And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year’s end.
[23] Thrice in the year shall all your men children appear before the Lord GOD, the God of Israel.
[24] For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the LORD thy God thrice in the year.
[25] Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning.
[26] The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother’s milk.

In other words:

1. Make no treaties or alliances with other peoples. Destroy them and their idols. (Uh. Okay. God is, after all, love.)
2. Worship no other God. (Okay, we already had that one.)
3. Do not make cast idols. (This one, too.)
4. Celebrate the Feast of Unleavened Bread. (WITH OUR DICKS)
5. The first offspring of every womb belongs to the LORD. Sacrifice a lamb for each human child or donkey born to redeem it. (Again, God with all the overwhelming love and everything.)
6. Observe the Sabbath. (From the first set…)
7. Celebrate the Feast of Weeks and the Feast of Ingathering. Gather together as one for each festival, and no invaders will take your land. (Wait a minute, what?)
8. Do not mix blood with yeasted bread in a sacrifice, and do not let your Passover sacrifice last until the next morning. (Not exactly sure what this means. But I’m certain that there aren’t many Christians who follow this one.)
9. Sacrifice the best and the first of each harvest to the LORD. (Yeah, sure makes a lot of sense to symbolically destroy crops instead of, oh, say, maybe eating them. STARVING TO DEATH IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER AND SON AND HOLY SPOOK)
10. Do not boil a kid in its mother’s milk. (Plenty of Jews observe this, but not many Christians. Yeah, we really need to get these posted in as many places as possible FOR THE SALVATION OF HUMANITY.)

Of course, you know, far be it from fundamentalists to be at all hypocritical. They’ll hate gays because the Bible makes a passing mention of it being “detestable” for a man to lie down with a man, because THE BIBLE MUST BE TAKEN LITERALLY, but they’ll ENGORGE THEMSELVES with AS MANY FUCKING BIG MACS and CHEESEBURGERS as they can POSSIBLY STUFF INTO THEIR BELLIES, even though God himself apparently specifically said not to.

5 thoughts on “Ten Commandments (v2.0)”

  1. Just an interesting note that out of four ad Google Ads displayed on your front page, at least two (perhaps three) were stuff like, “Have the ten commandments been done away with? Find the truth from the Bible!” And on this page, two evangelical ads, one Catholic ad about baseball and the Bible, and a “New Agey” ad: “Predict exactly, down to the name, who your soul mate is. Try it!”
    Gee! Google is spot on at displaying ads appropriate for their target audience!
    I suspect evangelical sites don’t have to worry about Google Ads displaying atheist and “question dogma” type ads on their sites, but I haven’t checked out the other side yet.

  2. Where’s the part about celebrating Passover with our dicks? I scanned the passage and I couldn’t find it.

  3. That’s actually a modern custom started by gay Jews.  I think it got started as a result of confusion between the respective definitions of “leavened” and “circumcised”.  Because Jews, who are circumsized, eat leavened — I mean unleavened bread during Pesakh/Passover, because they’re uncir — No, I’m confused now…

  4. This has really bothered me for a while – the whole issue of the fundies’ blatant hypocrisy. I started reading the Torah/old testament quite a bit ago, and was looking through all the rules. I get to the 10-15 pages about, you know, animal sacrifice, and how to sacrifice them, and where, etc., and it was a real “Hey, wait a minute!” moment. It’s ridiculous. There are many more dietary rules these people don’t follow, and they damn well don’t pay attention to all the crap it says in there about leaving “the stranger in your midst” alone, blah de blah. Psssht.

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