Chick Dissection | In The Beginning

So, here’s something amusing: The actual paper Chick Tracts I managed to get a hold of are all from a place called “Jesus Saves From Hell Fire Ministries”. It’s one of those fantastically ambiguous sentences. Does Jesus Save from “Hell Fire Ministries”? Or is it “Jesus Saves from Hell Fire” Ministries? Who knows?

Either Jack Chick is completely insane or some kind of post-modernist irony master. I’m leaning toward the former.


Oh, great. Dinosaurs. And man. Coexisting. Again.

This is gonna be a blast!

Hey, we’re getting some background development on a recurring character. That’s good writing, right? …Right?

“Computer man.” I’m not sure if the guy with the dinosaur is calling him this because he’s fixing the guy’s computer, or if it’s just his (lame) nickname for his friend, or the guy’s a robot, or what. In whatever case, regardless of the relationship, it seems rather awkward and bizarre for him to just walk into a room and start talking to a guy about dinosaurs, acting like the guy had never even heard of the things before. “Hey, a television! Why don’t I carry this into the next room and start talking about it? Oh, salt shaker! I’ll bet he’s never seen one of THESE before. A fork! Bob’s sure to find that interesting! Wait, is that sliced bread on the table? Why, I’ll bet he’s never even heard of this! I’d better inform him about ovens, as well. And the wheel.”

“Your teacher’s been brainwashed. By facts and observable evidence. That God, for whatever reason, lets him see instead of the apparent ‘truth’, which is something that can only be speculated about through blind faith, and that we can only really find out about when we die. Because nothing that we can observe in the world around us is trustworthy, and is potentially all just an illusion. Except the Bible. That’s real. Because it says it is. There’s no way it could possibly be a trick of Satan or anything. Because it says it’s not. Really. But everything else in the whole world is potentially an illusion.”

Scott Huse, huh? Yeah, I’ll bet he’s respected for his objectivity amongst the scientific community. Hey, a bunch of easily-led people agree that what he says sounds like it could make sense, so that makes him right, right? ‘Cause that’s what science is, right? Just a bunch of people making up stories and agreeing with each other without testing any evidence or doing comparative research?

“Computer man” a.k.a. Hitler, I guess. Jeez.

I hate when people call science a “religion”. It’s not like there are a bunch of guys in robes praising idols of Einstein and Newton and such with necklaces made of strung-together test tubes. It’s like saying that books are the “religion” of people who write, or that dishes are the “religion” of bus boys, or the internet is the “religion” of people who work for, say, Google. Like anyone who has the occupation of experimenting to observe evidence and better understand the world is only blindly worshipping like some kind of cult.

“Those guys are only guessing. Because I say it’s all guesses. And if I say something, and claim it’s related to God somehow, that automatically makes me right. See? All my dialog is just unfounded accusations and claims, and the trick is that you’ll end up believing it by the end no matter what, because you’re written, like all Chick’s characters, like a naive and spineless moron with no idea what you’re talking about. So you might as well just resign yourself to it and listen up.”

“I can tell you the exact day. It was the, uh, the first one. Monday, I think.”

Why, yes, and there’s NO CONTRADICTION IN THE BIBLE at ALL!

So the only source you can trust is a book featuring monsters and magic and seas splitting in half and people rising from the dead, the only “validity” of which is its own circular-logic claim that it’s the truth? And you think you can condescend to people who rely on repeatedly testing things in the world around them until the results form a fairly undeniable correlation, and then continuing to test them just to make sure? Gah.

Might as well live your life believing that there’s an invisible, intangible dragon constantly following you around and making faces behind your back.

“There was no Big Bang. Because this book said so, see? And look, I was right: You’re starting to believe me, even though what I’m saying is total bullshit. I could probably get you to believe Just So Stories by Rudyard Kipling. Hey. Hey ‘dinosaur man’. Wanna hear about how the tiger got his stripes? This is a true story. It’s in a book that claims to be real. And you can’t disprove it so I win!”

Apparently these kinds of conversations make the guy’s dong go all rigid and anthropomorphic.

What in fuck would be the purpose of this? And why haven’t we seen anything like this on any other known planet? How does one explain the complete defiance of what we know to be the laws of physics? (Oh, right, “Because God”. I forgot.) Why does nothing even remotely like this ever happen nowadays? God just got lazy, apparently, or stopped giving a shit. If he really wanted to come out the winner in that whole arbitrary “collect the souls” contest with Satan, he’d keep wowing people with stuff like this.

Why would the seas need to be divided? This seems to imply that land formations were either at exact level with or at lower elevation than the water. In which case, not only should we have all been submerged simply from the water on the Earth during the supposed “Great Flood”, but the amount of water should’ve totally submerged the entire planet forever. Where’d all that water go?

Not only that, but a thick dome of water in the sky completely enveloping the planet is going to be a LOT of water. How much could possibly be left on the Earth’s surface that it would need to be “divided” (given that there’s no more or less water on Earth now than when it allegedly happened) in order for there to be land exposed?

Of course, I’m working off of the assumptions of Chick and his ilk, that it existed and was this thick dome of water surrounding everything. Uh, not sure if they’ve noticed, but we currently have a canopy of “water vapor” over us. They’re called clouds. But I don’t know, for whatever reason, they seem to think that if it existed (which seems completely unbelievable and fantastical), it was this huge, thick dome of water. Whatever.

Doesn’t this guy realize that the answer is always going to be “Because God”? Why even bother asking? Then again, maybe I should follow my own advice…

What in fuck would it even MATTER if there was a sun? There was a thick layer of water around the Earth. People might as well have just hung flashlights over their crops.

“They had to be real days or the plants and trees would have died.” WHAT. I’m not even sure what that’s supposed to mean.

Uh-oh! His expression is starting to convey doubt! And we’re not even halfway through the Tract yet.

Considering all the different species that have become extinct, that’s quite a lot of animals all living together at once. And apparently with no replacement when they just disappear. By the way, if there was no evolution, then that means that all single-celled organisms that existed between then and now would’ve all existed at once. The bacteria alone probably would’ve wiped out nearly every other species.

Like this guy’s never heard any of this before. WHY, YES, EVERYONE IN AMERICA IS COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE EXISTENCE OF CHRISTIANITY

“And fossils? Just tricks! They’re evidence completely contrary to our beliefs, and God allows them to continue to fool us for whatever reason. We’re not supposed to trust anything we see, remember? Except the Bible. We know that’s true because it says it’s true. If a T-Rex femur or a Peking Man skull had ‘I AM REAL’ carved into it, maybe then I’d be more likely to believe it.”

Why “our”? And why would God need to look like man, anyway? (And vice versa, for that matter.) Assuming that this “likeness” goes right down to the very genetic structure, why would God need genes? Why would God need lungs? Does God need to breathe? Or eat? Does he really need a mouth for speech? And given that he’s omnipotent, why would he need hands? What use are hands if you can fashion the universe in an eye-blink? Why would God give apes such a close resemblance to himself? And speaking of ape resemblance, why would he need that forward-tilted pelvis? We sure don’t. It does nasty things to our spines. There are so many things wrong with the human body, and so many additional things that can go wrong – why wouldn’t he think to try to improve the design a little? I mean, either there’s no “Intelligent Design”, or God’s just plain retarded.

“It’s in a book, so it MUST be true. And come on, when was the last time you saw tested observable evidence be right about anything?”

Yeah, I’d imagine it would be pretty hard to swallow. It’s a pretty thick book. Maybe if you ran it through a food processor first or something. (TIP YOUR WAITRESS)

Click Here for a picture of these “man and dinosaur tracks together”. I DUNNO, GUYS, I’M CERTAINLY CONVINCED. DURR. Even most of the die-hard supporters of this shit have given up on this “evidence” as a bullshit idea. Hey, Jack, I’ve got an image of the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich to sell you.

What I like is that they’re willing to take pock marks in rocks as evidence of their accusations, but are unwilling to consider the mountains of similar (but far more believable) evidence in favor of evolutionary theory.

God doesn’t lie“, I guess. Oh, and neither do people, apparently. Especially not Kent Hovind. (Also: See below (bottom).)

“Then what I’ve been taught in school, films and magazines is all phony. Because I’m a total doofus who’ll believe the first fairytale that someone tells me about unobservable things that can’t possibly be disproven and therefore are potentially possible. Boy, you’re right, Bob, I’m falling right into this, aren’t I?”

“And you’re going to hate what he did to you. And you’re going to hate God, too, for being so petty about it that he cursed the entire lineage of man for the rest of time. Er, wait, no, not that one. But you’ll sure WANT to.”

“HEY, ADAM. OOP, LEMME JUST TOUCH YOUR ASS, THERE FOR A SECOND. AH, YEAH, THAT’S NICE. I MADE A NICE ASS.”

Oh, it’s a cameo by Jack Chick’s Faceless, Creepy God. Only this time, he’s not surrounded by the “Batman action” effect.

Why would you even put that there? That’s just massive irresponsibility on God’s part. “I will make a naturally curious, rather dumb creature that’s totally susceptible to temptation, and then put this really tempting thing right here in the middle of the damn place. This is going to work out just fine.”

Here’s something I don’t get, either: Was Adam supposed to reproduce asexually? Like, through budding or something? ‘Cause, I mean, like God wouldn’t have had the fucking foresight to make a human woman in addition to all the female animals.

And now the drama begins. You know, like it ALWAYS does when a woman gets involved. Sheesh! Women. When will they stop acting like they’re anything more than a vagina with legs to be available for me to shove my dick into?

Both clever and dangerous? A deadly combination! In fact, I believe, the deadliest.

What was she supposed to help him do, exactly? He seemed to be doing just fine naming the animals (in English? Latin? What language?) or whatever all on his own.

So apparently, from what I remember, God took away the snake’s long arms as punishment for its deception. But, well, a) didn’t Satan possess the snake? Like it was the snake’s fucking fault. And b) Like the snake would’ve even fucking needed arms in the first place. Given the way snakes’ bodies operate, such appendages would be entirely fucking unnecessary.

Oh, she did not, “[m]ore than anything, [want] to be a God”, you fucking misogynist jerkoff.

Here, try reading the damn thing, for a change, Jack:

(I’m King James, bitch!)

4: And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
6: And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

Nothing about Eve being power-hungry. Nothing about Eve wanting to be a god. Come ON. No objections from Adam, either. Stop making this all so patrio-centric.

And what in fuck did God expect, anyway? He didn’t make humans wise – that apparently came from the tree. So how could they possibly know any better about anything? You make ’em stupid, they’re going to act stupid. That’s how it works.

Again, either God doesn’t exist (at least in the sense that most fundamentalists or Christians in general believe), or he’s a complete fucking moron. Take your pick.

Ah, now God’s become a Batman action. They just had to rile him up a bit. *ZOT* *POW* *GOD*

Yeah, yeah, big surprise. Your stupid people did something stupid. Hey, you’re the one who’s supposed to have infinite foresight. Even I could’ve predicted that’d happen.

They didn’t blame each other. Adam blamed Eve, and Eve admitted it. What’s with the smear campaign?

Here:

11: And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
12: And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
13: And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

For someone with such a raging boner for the Bible, Jack sure doesn’t seem to know a fucking thing about how the stories actually play out.

So basically entropy didn’t exist until a woman ate an apple because a talking snake with arms told her to do it. Okay! So much more believable than any other thing I’ve ever heard or witnessed in my life. Where do I sign up?

And so Adam ate an apple, therefore all of his descendants would all be horrible people and murderers and whatnot. The sin of eating an apple apparently equates to the sin of murdering someone in cold blood, I guess.

You know, I only just now realized the anti-intellectual implications of this entire story. As soon as man became intelligent, he started killing and being evil, and, thus, intelligence is bad. Of course, this kind of ignores the fact that it was stupidity that led man to eat the apple in the first place. So whatever.

In other words, God cursed all of us for what the supposedly original two people did, and then decided to judge us based on this curse, which apparently even taints the kindest and most loving of us and potentially condemns them to an eternity of torture if they don’t abide by some rigid set of vague and contradictory instructions that may or may not all apply based on your attitude. GOD IS LOVE

How do we know that hearts haven’t changed? If fossils and physical reality are all just illusions created by God (or created by Satan and allowed by God to continue to exist), then how can we be sure of anything at all?

“Oh, man, I’m in real trouble… Thanks, Adam! Oh, wow, you’re right, Bob! I’m totally just believing every little nugget of shit that tumbles listlessly from your mouth. You sure called it!”

Uh, didn’t really cost him anything, actually. He supposedly made a physical manifestation of himself, and that was killed, and then he became God again, or was just also God as well the whole while. I wish I could turn into an omnipotent being after my physical existence in this world expires. WHAT A LOSS. SURELY IT WAS A PAINFUL SACRIFICE FOR AN ALL-POWERFUL BEING

And, again, one would think he could’ve come up with something far less contrived. Why not just, y’know, wave his hand and forgive everyone’s sins automatically like he supposedly did to create an extremely complex organism out of dirt?

So, uh, why are there people who think that this makes more sense than examining and comparing the world around us and its reactions to itself and various parts thereof?

Aaaaand surprise, surprise, the naive idiot character is on his knees blubbering like a moron and begging for Jesus to love him. HOW TOTALLY UNLIKE ANYTHING I’VE EVER SEEN BEFORE

See? I told you. ALWAYS remember to cover your face when Jesus comes into your heart. You get any of that Christ-jizz in your eye, and you’ll wind up with one hell of an infection.

I dunno, man, I wouldn’t be so quick to trust a guy who looks just like Hitler.


Brief Note About “Dr.” Kent Hovind

Someone needs to inform “Dr.” Kent “Doctor” Hovind that of the following stipulations for his $250,000 reward for “proving evolution”:

*NOTE: When I use the word evolution, I am not referring to the minor variations found in all of the various life forms (microevolution). I am referring to the general theory of evolution which believes these five major events took place without God:

1. Time, space, and matter came into existence by themselves.
2. Planets and stars formed from space dust.
3. Matter created life by itself.
4. Early life-forms learned to reproduce themselves.
5. Major changes occurred between these diverse life forms (i.e., fish changed to amphibians, amphibians changed to reptiles, and reptiles changed to birds or mammals).

Numbers 1-3 are more along the lines of cosmological theory, not evolutionary theory. He also apparently has another requirement that one must disprove the existence of God.

Well, I offer “Dr.” Kent Hovind “D.D.S.” the following challenge:

I will give you $250,000,000,000,000,000,000 if you can objectively prove to me the existence of God.

*NOTE: In order to fully demonstrate this, you must also:

1. Develop an anti-gravity engine that can successfully propel an aircraft at least the size of a 747 airplane across the Atlantic Ocean.
2. Levitate eight feet in the air using only your mind.
3. Wrestle a bear to the death.
4. Drink nothing but smoothies made of spider silk and bee stingers for an entire week.
5. Successfully predict eight consecutive sets of lottery numbers in five states.
6. Die.*

(* Offer not redeemable posthumously.)

So, come on, I dare ya!

So far, “Major” Kent “Hovind” has completely failed to demonstrate the existence of God. Therefore, God doesn’t exist. In the event he manages to prove to me, using the criteria above, that God does exist, I’ll let you all know. Until then, I guess it’s just safe to assume that he doesn’t.


Anyway, that’s all for now. Stay tuned: More to come. Same Chick time, same Chick channel.

57 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | In The Beginning”

  1. Wow, I never get tired of these half-assed attempts at disproving “science”. Serously, this is just sad, I am just a recent high school graduate and I know more than him.
    I loved the disection though, It reminds me of how I act when people throw the “because god” card around.
    On the bright side, with or without Jabberwock comments, I still get a good laugh. =P

  2. Some scholars read the Adam and the Animal thing as him actually trying to hump them all. Were all the original animals (aside from Adam) then female? Was everything a male then? How was that supposed to work?

    Worth noting that he had a first girlfriend before Eve who was removed in a rewrite around 100 BCE.

    Finally, Jesus was supposed to be fully god and fully man, yet he never sinned. I say that if you never sinned, you’re not a person. Jesus never disappointed his mother? He never got into some no-win situation where he had no choice but to let somebody down? He never screwed up? Not human. He’s a cylon.

  3. I hate when people call science a “religion”. It’s not like there are a bunch of guys in robes praising idols of Einstein and Newton and such with necklaces made of strung-together test tubes.

    Actually, most of us wear togas and praise Darwin and Mendel. It’s those new age freaks with their fancy robes that bow down to Einstein.

  4. Some scholars read the Adam and the Animal thing as him actually trying to hump them all.

    That would certainly explain his hold on the ibex. Alternatively it could just be Chick’s inability to draw and the propensity of some biblical scholars to suggest some very silly things, but hey, anything’s possible.

  5. Nah, he’s definitely fucking that thing. Though, I think he’s very confused about where the hole is. (Adam! Hey! Try turning it about 90 degrees counter-clockwise! Y’might find that more interesting!)

  6. I always feel really enlightened after I read this. I never knew that there was some bullshit story about a snake that had arms. Doesn’t that make it a lizard? How can you have arms with no legs? Is this all just to make a half-assed attempt to disprove evolution?

    Snakes with arms, give me a break. Besides, why didn’t god just kill him instead of crippling him?

    Because god is a huge masochist.

    ETJ can come into my heart anytime.

  7. Why does “dinosaur guy” just happen to have a poster-sized picture of a “prehistoric man”. Maybe he just carries it around in his back pocket, for just such an occasion. Especially considering it is highly stylized and is historically inaccurate to the extreme…

  8. Oh, yeah… WHERE THE HELL DID THE APATOSAURUS AND T-REX (and all dinosaurs for that matter) GO? Thanks, god, you made an entire type of creature disappear. Way to go. They couldn’t have become extinct or anything. Maybe the snake made them eat the Crabgrass of Knowledge or something and god punished them by death… I don’t know, though the bible had better tell me BECAUSE IT CERTAINLY COULD NOT HAVE LEFT THAT OUT!

  9. Why does “computer man”, while talking about “Day 4”, grope the chin of “dinosaur man”? It looks like D.M. is embarassed about being groped like that.

  10. //swoon// I *heart* your Chick dissections.

    Also, I feel bad for Satan getting the blame for “tempting” Eve. Nowhere in Genesis (or anywhere in the Hebrew Bible) does it say that Satan was in the form of the serpent – Christians retroactively assigned Satan that role. So Eve was tempted by a plain old wily snake. With arms.

  11. In Genesis God tells Adam not to eat of the apple, “for on that day you shall surely die”. Meaning instant death, not death by aging.

    The serpent says that they will not die, but their eyes shall be opened, and that God knows this.

    After they eat the fruit, the scriptures themselves say that their eyes were opened.

    Doesn’t that make the serpent the one who told the truth?

  12. Before you guys rush to condemn the whole God thing as rediculous, remember that Chick is a fundamentalist, meaning he interprets the Bible word-for-word as literally true. The whole Christian belief system is much more believeable to you enlightened ones if you interpret the whole thing as allegorical. I.e., symbolism and not literal truth.

  13. I absolutly hate it when he refers you to someone else to try and prove his retarded thought prosses *mockingly* “I’m Jack Turd-burgarer Chick and Dinosaurs and man co-existed and where are record players and can opener saying ‘it’s a living.‘ if you don’t belive me ask the catcher to my picher and visa versa when I’m feeling spry ‘D.r’ Stu Padasso” now if it where an accedited professer of historical or a rogue carbon dater (that sounds like a kick ass job) than maybe not a felony commiting wackjob.

  14. in other words, Ignorance is Power!

    Chick’s excuse for a “religion” is actually a cobbled-together bunch of primitive myths taken at their literal value. Once again he’s giving a bad name to all religions. The “service” that Chick does us is to try and roll back the wheel to the medieval way of thinking, with all its related mumbo-jumbo, ignorance, misogeny and reactionary views.

  15. Eat of that tree and I shall surely die?

    Everything walking around is less than a day old. The dinosaurs still have that new-leather smell. Die? What’s that? Maybe Dying is fun.

    If nothing’s had time to die yet, isn’t this an unfair threat to Adam? I mean, if I threatened to gremue you if you eat oranges (in a threatening manner, of course), doesn’t some part of you want to eat that orange, just to find out?

  16. I don’t want to get rid of my beliefs in God or Jesus Christ, but I also don’t want to get rid of everything I’ve learned in school and stuff like that…I’m scared. I need help.

  17. scarletsword, dude, use your brain. it’s easier than you’d think. do some research and think about whether you’d rather believe thousands of years of logic and reasoning, or thousands of years of single minded belief in a god you’ve never seen.

  18. Miss Mephy: I feel uncomfortable just converting to Atheism though. I can’t just abandon some of my beliefs just like that…I mean, I haven’t gone to Church in a LONG time, but I still don’t want to deny the existence of God or Jesus, even if the Bible may contradict itself and even when science explains a lot more.

  19. If it helps, you don’t need to “choose” to be an atheist. Some people who consider themselves “soft atheists”. They don’t really know whether or not there is such a thing as God or gods. But seeing nothing in everyday life to suggest such a being exists, they say it’s best to live considering your consequences on this plane of existence, rather than also trying to consider multiple, conflicting, theoretical planes of existence.

  20. My personal philosophy is to avoid drawing definite conclusions about things that can’t be observed, tested, demonstrated, proven, etc, since doing so is a clear departure from reality (or, rather, the observable world). Once you cross that line, if you try to apply your perspective to reality, it’s all entirely arbitrary and doesn’t matter if you’re doing it because of God or because of the absence of God or because of aliens or because of dragons or because of the winged penises that dangle from your ceiling and whisper spiritual thoughts and are imperceptible to everyone but you.

    I also sort of think that the best way to worship God is to not believe in him. Any God worth his salt is going to have more respect for people who do/are good without needing to be scared into it with horror stories of eternal torture. If God exists, I hope that’s what he’s like, because I certainly wouldn’t want to spend an eternity with God as most Christians depict him. It would limit my afterlife possibilities to hell or hell with clouds. I really don’t understand the motivation to grovel to an omnipotent, petty, vengeful, vicious assclown. “YAY WE WANT TO BE CLOSE TO YOU! PLEASE PUT US THROUGH MORE TORMENTS AND ‘TESTS’ AND JUDGE US BASED ON ARCANE, CONFUSING GUIDELINES THAT ARE UNCLEAR TO EVERYONE BUT YOU!”

    1. That isn’t really your philosophy, though, since you do draw a definite conclusion about the existence of the invisible giant trapdoor spider that could possibly live under your sofa every time you decide it’s safe to sit on it.

  21. You know, I couldn’t help but notice that those “dinosaur tracks” in Texas are a bit close together to belong to a creature with reptilian hips… and that they suspiciously resemble large cat prints… and that the placement suggests a fairly small animal.
    Just my thoughts, mind you. Nothing to shatter fundies’ hopes and dreams with.

  22. “They had to be real days or the plants and trees would have died.” WHAT. I’m not even sure what that’s supposed to mean.

    I think ol’ Jack is “disproving” the idea that the “days” in the Genesis creation story refer not to 24-hour periods but much longer eras (an argument which featured in the Scopes Monkey Trial, as well as the subsequent play Inherit the Wind). Now, if he can just explain why God wouldn’t have the foresight to create a sun before the plants that needed it for its survival, or indeed before the Earth that orbits around it…

  23. You know, I’m really, really starting to think that interpreting the bible literally is completely missing the point of it. The bible is a story of redemption and other stuff, not a guide or historical text, just like the quran and stuff.

    Like was said in V for Vendetta: “I don’t have to be a muslim to find the metaphors deep or the imagery beautiful” (or something like that…

  24. Jack Chick is a Fundamentalist, that means he takes the Bible literally as long as the Bible text fits with his preconceived notions.

    In the bible book of Matthew Chapter 16 we read Jesus saying to Simon Bar Jonah: “You are rock, and on this rock I will build my Church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it”.
    Chick will tell you those words mean this:
    “You are Peter, and I will build my church on the Bible, not you, and the gates of hell will overcome it immediately and the truth will be lost until the reformation.

    Sounds like a literal interpretation to me!

    Fundamentalism turns God into some kind of Genie who grants your every wish. Just thump on your Bible three times and the genie comes out and does as you command.

    You can see the kind of man Mr. Chick is by the friends he keeps: Kent Hovind has been sentenced to 10 years in Federal prison for income tax evasion. Alberto Rivera was a con man who fraudulently claimed to be a Catholic priest while he was in and out of trouble with the law. Rivera was so fake that the magazine ‘Christianity Today’ even called him a fraud.

  25. “See ‘The Collapse of Evolution’ by Scott Huse, available from Chick Publications.”

    Of course Chick would say that. Of course he would. HE’S SELLING THE FUCKING BOOK FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. IT’S JUST ANOTHER WAY OF RAKING IN THE CASH.

    Incidentally, don’t the Fuindamentalist Scientists also have a “meditative session,” in which they meditate by inhaling sacred narcotic substances from volumetric flasks?

    Fel

  26. I like how that one panel with the “John 3:16” in it and Jesus on the cross and all that is in every single tract. It must cut down on the effort required to produce these things. Maybe if he made that every panel, he could focus on coming up with a coherent storyline or a believable character or something.

  27. Those “dinosaur tracks looked like they’re in ice when I saw the picture link.Then I found that there were actual tracks,but many were hoaxes.It originally looks like a hoax,as if Chick took advantage of his cheap black-and-white tracts to make the “dinosaur” tracks look real.
    Chick is so fucking stupid.There is slim-to-none proof of God,yet he believes us to believe scientific contradictions make evolution fake.If contrdictions made something false,then the Bible, and arguably Christian Fundamentalism is false

  28. Jabberwock said: “Scott Huse, huh? Yeah, I’ll bet he’s respected for his objectivity amongst the scientific community. Hey, a bunch of easily-led people agree that what he says sounds like it could make sense, so that makes him right, right?”
    well if they could be easily led, wouldn’t they have been led away from fundamentalist Christianity? I think it is somethinmg else, I think that fundamentalist Christians are insecure about reality and are unable to cope with the idea that they don’t have ABSOLUTE knowledge of what is wrong and right and what will happen when they die.
    They can’t cope with not knowing, so they pretend they know. This, to a lesser degree, exists in many atheists when they make such ridiculous claims as that after death, they will simply “blink out of existence”, etc. etc. The truth is they don’t know, but they pretend they do so that they can feel some security.

    Great job, keep them coming.

  29. another weird chick tract. it just amuses me how suddenly some fundies like chick NOW believe that dinosaurs and men coexisted in some form or another, especially now with the tons of fossils unearthed. and he provides some shady evidence of man and dinosaur footprints togther. im no paleontologist, but ive never heard of this evidence before. and then, i’ve seen a few sites of christians that OPPOSE the whole notion that not only did humans and dinosaurs live together, but believe fossils are a deceiving tool of the devil. one thing they and chick have in common: no hard evidence, or what, are they gonna give us a pic of satan himself burying a t.rex skull as evidence?

    by the way, this bob character, he’s a very recurring chick hero alongside lil susy. just wondering, where does he work? i mean, he has a computer and nice clothes and a nice car, evidence by other tracts he appears. is that a gift from god?

  30. I always felt sorry for the poor snakes. If you follow the story it looks like God punished all snakes because the Devil took the form of one of them, even though not all snakes where at fault…in fact its kind of like the entire Adam and Eve thing as well…

  31. I actually belive in creationism, but Old Earth progressive creationism. It seems that the not christians in Chicks tracts, can be easily convinced that the Bible is true.

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  34. There goes Jack with his fundamentalist interpretation of the Bible. The Bible more or less implies that the world is flat as a “dome” would have to have a beginning and an end (i.e. is not a circle), so the “dome of the sky” would have to cover something flat as say a table-top (Genesis was written in a time when people didn’t routinely travel far). Reading on (and I don’t know about the KJV), Genesis insists that plants and animals were all made after Adam. Could there be two different stories because they are both allegories? Not according to our friends who also believe that people lived to the ripe old age of some thousand years old after God said “man’s days will number no more than 100” (PS: They frequently do number a little older today). Basically I could spend all day pointing out factual and logical (not just scientific) inconsistencies in Genesis, but I think I’ve made my point. Anyone taking Genesis of an accurate depiction of the history of the world is fairly brain-dead.

    1. If you notice, God’s covenant with Noah at Gen 9:1 is identical to the covenant made at Gen 1:28, implying Gen 1 is supposed to be a version of 2-9 that focuses on the events Gen 2 sort of handwaves. Whoever wrote Gen 1 it doesn’t seem to have really cared that they’d got the events of Gen 2 in the wrong order, since that was probably the original.

  35. Personally I take a nonliteral interpritation of the
    Bible, as I believe it is combination of Gods word
    dumbed down for early nomads and the politics of the
    time of its writing. Personally I believe a God
    capible of making an ever changing dynamic universe
    is infinitely more powerful than Chicks ‘god’ who
    poor cobled together a static universe.

    My religious beliefs are somewhat odd as I see myself
    as an agnostic Christian as I believe in Christ, but
    I also believe that the existance or non-existance of
    God is unknowable. I also believe that God was wise
    enough to relise that since transportation in the
    anceint world was slow to non-existant that he
    presinted himself in many ways meaning all religions
    are more or less correct at there core (though not
    always in there interpritation in that any use of a
    religion for hate is going against God).

    well thats my 2 cents

  36. You know, I just realized something: Aren’t people who try to use science (or some mangled, idiotic bastardization of it) to prove God exists sinning? Because both Deuteronomy 6:16 and Matthew 4:7 state “You shall not put the Lord, your God, to the test”, meaning that you shouldn’t try to prove God’s power or existence. Reminds me of the magician’s creed: A magician never reveals his secrets.

    Hmm… a man performing illusions to impress a crowd? Sounds familiar…

  37. Page 1:

    “That’s a joke!”
    “Hey, my teacher told me that!”
    “Wait, what?”
    “Um…my teacher told me that?”
    “Um…are we on the same page?”
    “What do you mean?”
    “I mean…okay, okay, I’m confused. Did you teacher tell you that was a joke, or did she tell you that 145-million-year thing?”
    “Um…damn.”
    “Yea, let’s just agree that Jack needs to hire a proofreader to make the dialogue comprehensible.”

    Page 2: “Pull my finger.”

    Page 6: I remember back in seventh grade, my science teacher used the same argument (Presbyterian school) to discount the “long day” hypothesis of creation. I gently pointed out the separation of light and dark from the first day, which was subsequently ignored.

    Page 10: My word, all this brain-reeling I mentioned three pages ago has given me a stroke.

    Page 16: To the best of my memory, I don’t recall any passages that personify Death or turn this abstract concept into a “creature.”

    Page 17: If our “hearts haven’t changed,” there’s no way mankind could’ve become “worse and worse.”

    Page 18: Awkward dialogue again. “Oh boy, what an exciting prospect! Bob, What do I have to do to go to Hell?”

  38. What the hell kind of fruit are they eating, anyway?? Looks like boneless chicken breasts with the skins removed. I’ve never seen a fruit shaped like that. And why is everyone so fucking gullible in these tracts?? Anything some Christian tells them, no matter how absurd, is accepted with all the faith of a three-year-old child believing his mommy when she tells him all about Santa leaving gifts under the tree. But at least the child can SEE the gifts; nobody can see this God being, who supposedly does all these marvelous things and created the world only 6000 years ago (so that all those civilizations that existed more than 10,000 years ago apparently are hallucinations caused by Satan).

    In real life–you know, where Jack refuses to exist–I know of absolutely no atheists or agnostics who are that easily fooled. ALL of them ask many questions and demand lots and lots of evidence. When the questions go unanswered and the evidence amounts to nothing more than “Because the Bible says so,” or “Because my preacher taught me,” the skeptic scoffs and then walks away with a mixture of amusement and disgust. Of course, Jack knows none of this because he has never spoken with actual skeptics and does not want to learn their viewpoint. He assumes that everyone in the world is as gullible as he is.

  39. I know I’m being kind of a perv here, but check out the panel where Adam is naming all the animals. It is just me or is he side-humping that gazelle? No wonder God gave him a female human as a companion.

  40. To me i think the universe was created billions of Earth years ago—-by Almighty God, people were also created, they were called Angels they were highly civilised, something went wrong, a war started between them. We come into the story in Genesis: 1 v 1-2. Think, use that stuff between your ears, also how come a snake can talk? and about the tree how can a tree give any body the knowledge of good and evil. the way people read the Bible is the way a child reads a Noddy book. THINK, THINK, THINK.

  41. One of the more interesting theories I’ve read about the Genesis account is it’s actually an authoritarian retelling of the Greek myth of the Titan Prometheus, who stole the secret of knowledge (specifically, making fire) from Zeus to give to man, and was punished terribly for his transgression.

    It has quite a few of the traits of a poor rewrite, like failing to alter parts that contradict the new meaning: especially, Adam and Eve lack the knowledge to evaluate the decision they’re punished for, because originally Zeus’ action was supposed to be viewed as unjust, and the Bible writers didn’t think to change that part.

    1. It’s also worth noting that the original Jewish fable and the Pentateuch as a whole features a very early version of YHWH (possibly a relic from a prior polytheistic religion, which would explain the Golden Bull as being a rival god in the pantheon that Moses rejected the worship of). This version is very like a Greek god, fearing mortals overtaking him (in the creation story and the Tower of Babel story) and being flawed and capable of being wrong (such as when he loses an argument with Moses).

      Equally, in the original interpretation the serpent in the garden is just a serpent; Satan is a title given to many servants of God who act to test the faith of mortals, as part of imagining God’s domain as something like a nomadic clan’s council with YHWH acting as the chief who must be obeyed.

      Christianity, born in the structured authoritarianism of the Roman Empire, instead pictured God as like a Roman emperor with armies and legions of heavenly bureaucrats, and Satan as a figure resembling an opposing general. This rewrite has the same kind of issues as the Prometheus -> Genesis rewrite, particularly in issues like why God would ever create Satan to begin with or why He would need to banish and do battle with Satan when He’s omnipotent (with the answer being “because that’s what a Roman emperor would have to do”).

      Revelation, incidentally, is generally believed by non-wingnut Bible scholars to be seditious literature prophesying the fall of the Roman Empire as a message for the faithful to keep strong.

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