So, here’s something amusing: The actual paper Chick Tracts I managed to get a hold of are all from a place called “Jesus Saves From Hell Fire Ministries”. It’s one of those fantastically ambiguous sentences. Does Jesus Save from “Hell Fire Ministries”? Or is it “Jesus Saves from Hell Fire” Ministries? Who knows?
Either Jack Chick is completely insane or some kind of post-modernist irony master. I’m leaning toward the former.
Oh, great. Dinosaurs. And man. Coexisting. Again.
This is gonna be a blast!
Hey, we’re getting some background development on a recurring character. That’s good writing, right? …Right?
“Computer man.” I’m not sure if the guy with the dinosaur is calling him this because he’s fixing the guy’s computer, or if it’s just his (lame) nickname for his friend, or the guy’s a robot, or what. In whatever case, regardless of the relationship, it seems rather awkward and bizarre for him to just walk into a room and start talking to a guy about dinosaurs, acting like the guy had never even heard of the things before. “Hey, a television! Why don’t I carry this into the next room and start talking about it? Oh, salt shaker! I’ll bet he’s never seen one of THESE before. A fork! Bob’s sure to find that interesting! Wait, is that sliced bread on the table? Why, I’ll bet he’s never even heard of this! I’d better inform him about ovens, as well. And the wheel.”
“Your teacher’s been brainwashed. By facts and observable evidence. That God, for whatever reason, lets him see instead of the apparent ‘truth’, which is something that can only be speculated about through blind faith, and that we can only really find out about when we die. Because nothing that we can observe in the world around us is trustworthy, and is potentially all just an illusion. Except the Bible. That’s real. Because it says it is. There’s no way it could possibly be a trick of Satan or anything. Because it says it’s not. Really. But everything else in the whole world is potentially an illusion.”
Scott Huse, huh? Yeah, I’ll bet he’s respected for his objectivity amongst the scientific community. Hey, a bunch of easily-led people agree that what he says sounds like it could make sense, so that makes him right, right? ‘Cause that’s what science is, right? Just a bunch of people making up stories and agreeing with each other without testing any evidence or doing comparative research?
“Computer man” a.k.a. Hitler, I guess. Jeez.
I hate when people call science a “religion”. It’s not like there are a bunch of guys in robes praising idols of Einstein and Newton and such with necklaces made of strung-together test tubes. It’s like saying that books are the “religion” of people who write, or that dishes are the “religion” of bus boys, or the internet is the “religion” of people who work for, say, Google. Like anyone who has the occupation of experimenting to observe evidence and better understand the world is only blindly worshipping like some kind of cult.
“Those guys are only guessing. Because I say it’s all guesses. And if I say something, and claim it’s related to God somehow, that automatically makes me right. See? All my dialog is just unfounded accusations and claims, and the trick is that you’ll end up believing it by the end no matter what, because you’re written, like all Chick’s characters, like a naive and spineless moron with no idea what you’re talking about. So you might as well just resign yourself to it and listen up.”
“I can tell you the exact day. It was the, uh, the first one. Monday, I think.”
Why, yes, and there’s NO CONTRADICTION IN THE BIBLE at ALL!
So the only source you can trust is a book featuring monsters and magic and seas splitting in half and people rising from the dead, the only “validity” of which is its own circular-logic claim that it’s the truth? And you think you can condescend to people who rely on repeatedly testing things in the world around them until the results form a fairly undeniable correlation, and then continuing to test them just to make sure? Gah.
Might as well live your life believing that there’s an invisible, intangible dragon constantly following you around and making faces behind your back.
“There was no Big Bang. Because this book said so, see? And look, I was right: You’re starting to believe me, even though what I’m saying is total bullshit. I could probably get you to believe Just So Stories by Rudyard Kipling. Hey. Hey ‘dinosaur man’. Wanna hear about how the tiger got his stripes? This is a true story. It’s in a book that claims to be real. And you can’t disprove it so I win!”
Apparently these kinds of conversations make the guy’s dong go all rigid and anthropomorphic.
What in fuck would be the purpose of this? And why haven’t we seen anything like this on any other known planet? How does one explain the complete defiance of what we know to be the laws of physics? (Oh, right, “Because God”. I forgot.) Why does nothing even remotely like this ever happen nowadays? God just got lazy, apparently, or stopped giving a shit. If he really wanted to come out the winner in that whole arbitrary “collect the souls” contest with Satan, he’d keep wowing people with stuff like this.
Why would the seas need to be divided? This seems to imply that land formations were either at exact level with or at lower elevation than the water. In which case, not only should we have all been submerged simply from the water on the Earth during the supposed “Great Flood”, but the amount of water should’ve totally submerged the entire planet forever. Where’d all that water go?
Not only that, but a thick dome of water in the sky completely enveloping the planet is going to be a LOT of water. How much could possibly be left on the Earth’s surface that it would need to be “divided” (given that there’s no more or less water on Earth now than when it allegedly happened) in order for there to be land exposed?
Of course, I’m working off of the assumptions of Chick and his ilk, that it existed and was this thick dome of water surrounding everything. Uh, not sure if they’ve noticed, but we currently have a canopy of “water vapor” over us. They’re called clouds. But I don’t know, for whatever reason, they seem to think that if it existed (which seems completely unbelievable and fantastical), it was this huge, thick dome of water. Whatever.
Doesn’t this guy realize that the answer is always going to be “Because God”? Why even bother asking? Then again, maybe I should follow my own advice…
What in fuck would it even MATTER if there was a sun? There was a thick layer of water around the Earth. People might as well have just hung flashlights over their crops.
“They had to be real days or the plants and trees would have died.” WHAT. I’m not even sure what that’s supposed to mean.
Uh-oh! His expression is starting to convey doubt! And we’re not even halfway through the Tract yet.
Considering all the different species that have become extinct, that’s quite a lot of animals all living together at once. And apparently with no replacement when they just disappear. By the way, if there was no evolution, then that means that all single-celled organisms that existed between then and now would’ve all existed at once. The bacteria alone probably would’ve wiped out nearly every other species.
Like this guy’s never heard any of this before. WHY, YES, EVERYONE IN AMERICA IS COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE EXISTENCE OF CHRISTIANITY
“And fossils? Just tricks! They’re evidence completely contrary to our beliefs, and God allows them to continue to fool us for whatever reason. We’re not supposed to trust anything we see, remember? Except the Bible. We know that’s true because it says it’s true. If a T-Rex femur or a Peking Man skull had ‘I AM REAL’ carved into it, maybe then I’d be more likely to believe it.”
Why “our”? And why would God need to look like man, anyway? (And vice versa, for that matter.) Assuming that this “likeness” goes right down to the very genetic structure, why would God need genes? Why would God need lungs? Does God need to breathe? Or eat? Does he really need a mouth for speech? And given that he’s omnipotent, why would he need hands? What use are hands if you can fashion the universe in an eye-blink? Why would God give apes such a close resemblance to himself? And speaking of ape resemblance, why would he need that forward-tilted pelvis? We sure don’t. It does nasty things to our spines. There are so many things wrong with the human body, and so many additional things that can go wrong – why wouldn’t he think to try to improve the design a little? I mean, either there’s no “Intelligent Design”, or God’s just plain retarded.
“It’s in a book, so it MUST be true. And come on, when was the last time you saw tested observable evidence be right about anything?”
Yeah, I’d imagine it would be pretty hard to swallow. It’s a pretty thick book. Maybe if you ran it through a food processor first or something. (TIP YOUR WAITRESS)
Click Here for a picture of these “man and dinosaur tracks together”. I DUNNO, GUYS, I’M CERTAINLY CONVINCED. DURR. Even most of the die-hard supporters of this shit have given up on this “evidence” as a bullshit idea. Hey, Jack, I’ve got an image of the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich to sell you.
What I like is that they’re willing to take pock marks in rocks as evidence of their accusations, but are unwilling to consider the mountains of similar (but far more believable) evidence in favor of evolutionary theory.
“God doesn’t lie“, I guess. Oh, and neither do people, apparently. Especially not Kent Hovind. (Also: See below (bottom).)
“Then what I’ve been taught in school, films and magazines is all phony. Because I’m a total doofus who’ll believe the first fairytale that someone tells me about unobservable things that can’t possibly be disproven and therefore are potentially possible. Boy, you’re right, Bob, I’m falling right into this, aren’t I?”
“And you’re going to hate what he did to you. And you’re going to hate God, too, for being so petty about it that he cursed the entire lineage of man for the rest of time. Er, wait, no, not that one. But you’ll sure WANT to.”
“HEY, ADAM. OOP, LEMME JUST TOUCH YOUR ASS, THERE FOR A SECOND. AH, YEAH, THAT’S NICE. I MADE A NICE ASS.”
Oh, it’s a cameo by Jack Chick’s Faceless, Creepy God. Only this time, he’s not surrounded by the “Batman action” effect.
Why would you even put that there? That’s just massive irresponsibility on God’s part. “I will make a naturally curious, rather dumb creature that’s totally susceptible to temptation, and then put this really tempting thing right here in the middle of the damn place. This is going to work out just fine.”
Here’s something I don’t get, either: Was Adam supposed to reproduce asexually? Like, through budding or something? ‘Cause, I mean, like God wouldn’t have had the fucking foresight to make a human woman in addition to all the female animals.
And now the drama begins. You know, like it ALWAYS does when a woman gets involved. Sheesh! Women. When will they stop acting like they’re anything more than a vagina with legs to be available for me to shove my dick into?
Both clever and dangerous? A deadly combination! In fact, I believe, the deadliest.
What was she supposed to help him do, exactly? He seemed to be doing just fine naming the animals (in English? Latin? What language?) or whatever all on his own.
So apparently, from what I remember, God took away the snake’s long arms as punishment for its deception. But, well, a) didn’t Satan possess the snake? Like it was the snake’s fucking fault. And b) Like the snake would’ve even fucking needed arms in the first place. Given the way snakes’ bodies operate, such appendages would be entirely fucking unnecessary.
Oh, she did not, “[m]ore than anything, [want] to be a God”, you fucking misogynist jerkoff.
Here, try reading the damn thing, for a change, Jack:
(I’m King James, bitch!)
4: And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
6: And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
Nothing about Eve being power-hungry. Nothing about Eve wanting to be a god. Come ON. No objections from Adam, either. Stop making this all so patrio-centric.
And what in fuck did God expect, anyway? He didn’t make humans wise – that apparently came from the tree. So how could they possibly know any better about anything? You make ’em stupid, they’re going to act stupid. That’s how it works.
Again, either God doesn’t exist (at least in the sense that most fundamentalists or Christians in general believe), or he’s a complete fucking moron. Take your pick.
Ah, now God’s become a Batman action. They just had to rile him up a bit. *ZOT* *POW* *GOD*
Yeah, yeah, big surprise. Your stupid people did something stupid. Hey, you’re the one who’s supposed to have infinite foresight. Even I could’ve predicted that’d happen.
They didn’t blame each other. Adam blamed Eve, and Eve admitted it. What’s with the smear campaign?
11: And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
12: And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
13: And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
For someone with such a raging boner for the Bible, Jack sure doesn’t seem to know a fucking thing about how the stories actually play out.
So basically entropy didn’t exist until a woman ate an apple because a talking snake with arms told her to do it. Okay! So much more believable than any other thing I’ve ever heard or witnessed in my life. Where do I sign up?
And so Adam ate an apple, therefore all of his descendants would all be horrible people and murderers and whatnot. The sin of eating an apple apparently equates to the sin of murdering someone in cold blood, I guess.
You know, I only just now realized the anti-intellectual implications of this entire story. As soon as man became intelligent, he started killing and being evil, and, thus, intelligence is bad. Of course, this kind of ignores the fact that it was stupidity that led man to eat the apple in the first place. So whatever.
In other words, God cursed all of us for what the supposedly original two people did, and then decided to judge us based on this curse, which apparently even taints the kindest and most loving of us and potentially condemns them to an eternity of torture if they don’t abide by some rigid set of vague and contradictory instructions that may or may not all apply based on your attitude. GOD IS LOVE
How do we know that hearts haven’t changed? If fossils and physical reality are all just illusions created by God (or created by Satan and allowed by God to continue to exist), then how can we be sure of anything at all?
“Oh, man, I’m in real trouble… Thanks, Adam! Oh, wow, you’re right, Bob! I’m totally just believing every little nugget of shit that tumbles listlessly from your mouth. You sure called it!”
Uh, didn’t really cost him anything, actually. He supposedly made a physical manifestation of himself, and that was killed, and then he became God again, or was just also God as well the whole while. I wish I could turn into an omnipotent being after my physical existence in this world expires. WHAT A LOSS. SURELY IT WAS A PAINFUL SACRIFICE FOR AN ALL-POWERFUL BEING
And, again, one would think he could’ve come up with something far less contrived. Why not just, y’know, wave his hand and forgive everyone’s sins automatically like he supposedly did to create an extremely complex organism out of dirt?
So, uh, why are there people who think that this makes more sense than examining and comparing the world around us and its reactions to itself and various parts thereof?
Aaaaand surprise, surprise, the naive idiot character is on his knees blubbering like a moron and begging for Jesus to love him. HOW TOTALLY UNLIKE ANYTHING I’VE EVER SEEN BEFORE
See? I told you. ALWAYS remember to cover your face when Jesus comes into your heart. You get any of that Christ-jizz in your eye, and you’ll wind up with one hell of an infection.
I dunno, man, I wouldn’t be so quick to trust a guy who looks just like Hitler.
Brief Note About “Dr.” Kent Hovind
Someone needs to inform “Dr.” Kent “Doctor” Hovind that of the following stipulations for his $250,000 reward for “proving evolution”:
*NOTE: When I use the word evolution, I am not referring to the minor variations found in all of the various life forms (microevolution). I am referring to the general theory of evolution which believes these five major events took place without God:
1. Time, space, and matter came into existence by themselves.
2. Planets and stars formed from space dust.
3. Matter created life by itself.
4. Early life-forms learned to reproduce themselves.
5. Major changes occurred between these diverse life forms (i.e., fish changed to amphibians, amphibians changed to reptiles, and reptiles changed to birds or mammals).
Numbers 1-3 are more along the lines of cosmological theory, not evolutionary theory. He also apparently has another requirement that one must disprove the existence of God.
Well, I offer “Dr.” Kent Hovind “D.D.S.” the following challenge:
I will give you $250,000,000,000,000,000,000 if you can objectively prove to me the existence of God.
*NOTE: In order to fully demonstrate this, you must also:
1. Develop an anti-gravity engine that can successfully propel an aircraft at least the size of a 747 airplane across the Atlantic Ocean.
2. Levitate eight feet in the air using only your mind.
3. Wrestle a bear to the death.
4. Drink nothing but smoothies made of spider silk and bee stingers for an entire week.
5. Successfully predict eight consecutive sets of lottery numbers in five states.
(* Offer not redeemable posthumously.)
So, come on, I dare ya!
So far, “Major” Kent “Hovind” has completely failed to demonstrate the existence of God. Therefore, God doesn’t exist. In the event he manages to prove to me, using the criteria above, that God does exist, I’ll let you all know. Until then, I guess it’s just safe to assume that he doesn’t.
Anyway, that’s all for now. Stay tuned: More to come. Same Chick time, same Chick channel.