So, I was sliding down one of the many, many tubes of the Internet the other day, wishing it could be more like a dump truck, when I came across this brilliant article by a fellow named “Elder George”. Well, a man with a name like that, I thought, has to be wise and venerable, and is totally not some going-on-forty-year-old misogynist still living in his mother’s basement and resenting her for his various ineptitudes. Turns out I was right: This man is brilliant, a modern-day sage to lead us through these dark times, when men stand on the verge of expressing emotions instead of bottling them up into a thick, viscous, hearty rage to be unleashed at random upon loved ones and inanimate objects.

He starts off by referencing this article on so-called “Male Mental Depression” (which, I mean, c’mon fellas, has got to be about as fake as the Female Orgasm or the “Clitoris” – amirite?) in the Manchester Guardian, which apparently…

…indicated that an alarming number of English men suffer mental health problems, but most are too “macho” to seek help. The article indicated that men don’t step forward as women do with their feelings of depression; that they must learn to acknowledge their feelings and be willing to receive treatment. [...] It illustrated the feminine and material thinking of Western society mixed in with a generous amount of ignorance.

And, as we will soon see, a heaping tablespoon of pure transgender horror! That’s right, folks, feelings are for ladies. They’re sealed up tight in a locked box labeled “SPERM-DUMPSTERS ONLY”, which can only be opened using a key made of pure estrogen. In other words, you ain’t gotta be cryin-a unless you gots a vagin-a.

What benefits will accrue if male mental depression becomes de-stigmatized? Unwed motherhood became de-stigmatized in the West and it has increased ten-fold in just two generations. Divorce became de-stigmatized and has now become the norm in Western society. De-stigmatizing the un-natural or harmful tends to make it popular and propagated; it definitely does not eliminate the condition. However, the West as we shall see, has no choice but to de-stigmatize all that is un-natural and immoral.

It’s about time someone came out and called male depression “immoral”. I mean, what other word can possibly describe that feeling you get when you find out you’ve been fired, and you come home to an eviction notice on your front door, and your best friend and girlfriend taking turns peeing on each other in the kitchen? Or when you accidentally run over your child because you’re too busy rocking out to Toby Keith and snapping into a Slim Jim that you don’t notice they set up the trampoline in the driveway? It doesn’t feel good, that’s for sure. And if it’s not good, then it has to be bad, right? And isn’t bad a synonym for immoral? Huh? You can’t argue with semantics, people.

Here’s something else he just nails, that a lot of people don’t realize, possibly because it’s not true: Prior to destigmatization of divorce, every marriage was a happy marriage. Seriously, go dig up the statistics on it. I haven’t, and I’m sure Elder George hasn’t, but I know he and I can both agree, even if you don’t, that they totally coincide with this. And, really, that’s what’s important about science: It’s not the facts or the data or the testing or any of that – it’s agreement. If enough people with the same point to prove conclude that some idea one of them made up seems to make sense, well, that beats actually doing any kind of study on the subject, right? If I say that all women prior to, oh, say, 1970 were happy to maybe get slapped around, and Elder George agrees with me, well, that’s two of us. And only one Internet. I’m sorry, folks, but the numbers don’t lie: That’s two to one.

The feminine principle adapts and nurtures; it does not change things. Women adapt to their environment and nurture it; they do not change it.

I’ve got two words for you, Elder: Sheets and diapers. I mean, come on, have you never seen a lady change bedding? What, you’re going to expect a man to do it? Pfft, fat chance. I’m usually too busy eating the pie I instructed her to bake for me, and yelling at her to dust the living room naked.

Since the Western male has been emasculated he cannot make change…

Goddamn, he’s right! I’ve completely forgotten how to count coins. What’s a quarter, again? Is that forty? Twenty? I dunno. My God, women are ruining everything!

In 2005 The World Health Organization announced that the major health issue of England, the United States, and Canada is mental illness. This year the National Institute for Mental Health announced that 26% of all Americans are now classified as mentally ill. Western society is going insane; a viewpoint supported by its own statistics.

Some might question trusting statistics reported by supposedly insane people, but questioning, like feelings, is for ladies. Unless it’s interrogation. Then it’s a man’s job. Or Lynndie England, I guess, though, with that beefy an attitude, she’s got to have testicular remnants or something. Otherwise she’d have been in the mess hall baking the men all pies to shove their dicks into after a difficult but satisfying day of severely beating bound, gagged, blindfolded men.

Whatever the issue, Western man is incapable of determining its cause.

Though, it’d make a great excuse to bomb Iran. I don’t think we can rule them out as a culprit just yet.

…the Dogon tribe in Mali has never had a case of breast cancer or cervical cancer among its women, while American women have a breast cancer rate of ten percent [...] This is not to say that the West doesn’t look for material causes of maladies such as genes, viruses, or environmental factors, but never behavioral causes-never never. The female being the receptive entity is always the victim…

Well, right. Wearing such slutty clothing, they’re just begging for cancer. I swear, some of these outfits nowadays – hell, I want to attack those breasts! Lucky cancer!

Never, you say?

I don’t know where he’s getting these figures and claims from, but they seem like they could definitely be real, so I see no reason not to believe them. I believe there’s an old Russian saying, something like “better to err on the side of gullibility than to hate America”. Not sure if that’s it, but it’s close enough. I think I remember the original having something to do with a cake and a wolf or something as well. I dunno, don’t quote me on it.

A common factor of these groupings is extended family. People raised in a strong extended family environment have a sense of security not known in the West; they also have a strong sense of purpose, a commonality of interest, an appreciation of the world of their creator, and a developed spiritual awareness.

I used to get depressed a lot back when I was working meaningless temp jobs for slightly more than minimum wage while living in one of the most rent-expensive cities in the country. I think it was because I lacked a connection with God.

However, to maintain a patriarchal and polygamous society requires that men do the job that they were ordained to do: provide the environment and means that enable women to bring forth life and nurture it.

You had me at “polygamous”, Elder… you had me… at “polygamous”.

What Western man belatedly has come to realize is that with the government taking over manly responsibilities he becomes nothing more than a production worker and consumer.

He’s right: I can think of few things manlier than sitting in an auditorium listening to a man talk about trucks and tubes. Writing endless papers in legalese, for one. And sometimes me and the guys will get together, and stand around the grill cooking up some bratwurst, and filibuster each other over Supreme Court nominations. And, man, I’m totally going to feel completely stripped of my manliness by Congress if they manage to establish that proposed Committee of Grunting and Pissing Wherever We Want.

Suicide and mental health problems occur when men feel powerless to control their environment. An illustration of this condition occurred ten years ago when I read an article in Caribbean Life that discussed the increasing rate of male suicide in the island-nation of Jamaica.

Yeah, reading about Caribbean life makes me feel powerless, too.

The action of the Jamaican man is being repeated throughout the Westernized world as governments neuter the influence of men and legitimize and de-stigmatize every form of un-natural behavior.

It’s refreshing to find another enlightened mind who longs for the days when courts blamed the rape victim. “Your honor, how could I resist that ass? I mean, could you?” Case dismissed!

All so brilliant. I know I’ve got a new entry in my Bookmarks menu!

What in fuck is “indecent”? Someone give me a clear-cut, objective definition of what constitutes “indecency”. I’ll give you a dollar.

(Something to note, before I get into this, is that on cable, there are no hard bans on these words or on anything else typically censored. What will and will not be censored is determined by the cable channels themselves. (However, this is a discussion that I will save for another time.))

What is “indecent”? So-called swear words? Why? What makes other words so “decent”? Words are representations, so it’s not the words themselves to which offense is taken but the meanings they represent. The show Farscape uses the word “frell” to mean essentially the exact same thing as “fuck”. Why was that allowed? What is it about the word “fuck” that makes it so much more offensive than “frell”, when they both represent the same meaning? Its abruptness? Why not just consider the word “duck”, which sounds almost the same, offensive then as well? If we’re considering the meanings of the words offensive and not just going through the empty motions of arbitrarily picking words, then we have to ban all the synonyms for these as well, including fabricated ones like “frell”.

And what really is it about the meanings of these words that gives them such offensive power? Let’s do a breakdown of some of the supposed ‘worst’:

(For right now, I’m steering clear of terms like ‘cunt’, ‘nigger’, et cetera, mostly because those have far different connotations and are mostly born out of and filled with hatred. Addressing them would involve having to get into various aspects of the words, such as reclamation by those at whom they are directed, and that’s far too much for a single post.)

Fuck: Derived from various Germanic terms: fokken (Dutch), fukka (Norwegian), focka (Swedish), et cetera. Often mistaken as an acronym for “For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge”, an old-timey term for rape that would’ve been scrawled by illiterate law enforcement onto the stocks of the offenders as “FUCK”. Whatever its origins, its current meaning is partially “copulation”, but it’s mainly used simply as an expression of exasperation, frustration, etc. It’s a multi-use term.

What is there about copulation to be ashamed of? Is sexual intercourse that terrible? Religious fundamentalists would say so. But in that case, what kind of sick, horrible God would curse us with such a thing, and then tell us very explicitly to engage in it? But of course it’s nothing to be ashamed about. No more than urination or shedding skin cells. It’s a natural function of the human body, and it happens.

And if we’re going to attack it because it’s something people say when they’re angry or frustrated, then let’s also get rid of “phooey” and “gowlsh-darnit” and “sufferin’ succotash”.

Shit: Here’s a fun one. Apparently, this was once considered the “polite” term for describing the brown stuff that tumbles out of the hole between our legs. Then the lower classes started using it and it was BAD. Anyway, there are about a billion other terms for this stuff, and the act of squeezing it out: poop, poo, dookie, turds, dirtsnakes, kaka, pinch a loaf, honk out a dirtsnake, rig an anal task, take a dump, etc. What’s so bad about just “shit”? It’s succinct.

Anyway, since the offense is in the meaning, not the word itself (or, again, at least, that’s how it should be, or the whole thing is meaningless), what’s so horrible about this stuff? Everyone does it. If they don’t, they ought to see a doctor. There’s a little inside of all of us, in fact. What can be so offensive about that?

Asshole: See “Shit”, above. Again, we all have one. If you don’t, see a doctor. Might as well ban the term “snothole”.

There is an enormous difference between “impolite” and “indecent”, by the way. Unfortunately, I feel the distinction is becoming lost on many in this country, especially the people given the bizarre and unrealistic mandate of weeding out “indecency”.

Then, of course, there’s the nudity. What specifically is wrong with nudity? Are we not supposed to have genitals or something? Are we supposed to be ashamed of things that grow on our bodies? Well, I suppose the Lord did indeed say, “loathe and fear thine own natural anatomy”, after all. So it makes sense!

Speaking of the religious aspect of this, there’s the whole “Forbidden Apple” aspect to consider: We were, at one point, supposedly not ashamed of our own bodies until Eve ate an apple from the Tree of Knowledge. After that, we became aware of our filthy dongs and titties and vaginas. But wouldn’t working toward reclaiming God’s graces involve working toward being okay with our bodies again? Losing the shame? And wouldn’t retaining this shame just keep us that much farther from God? Wow, more fundamentalist Christian hypocrisy! Who could’ve fuckin’ guessed? Not me, that’s for sure! Totally unexpected.

I really, strongly, powerfully fucking hate the direction this country is trying to head.

Were I in Congress, and had I then been a part of the drafting of the recently vetoed stem-cell legislation, I’d have figured out a way to work in a roundabout stipulation that if the bill was vetoed, it would enact the Conservative Christian Women Blastocyst Adoption Program, which would make it mandatory for all conservative Christian women over the age of eighteen to be implanted with one of the hundreds of thousands of blastocysts that should be used for stem cell research but will probably end up being destroyed on account of Republican turd-glutton politicians with delusions of having even the vaguest understanding of science. (Actually, it’s apparently theoretically possible for embryos to implant at certain blood-vessel-rich areas along the small intestine, so conservative Christian men can get in on the snowflake-baby action as well.)

I remember when Bush said in 2004 that the reason he wouldn’t support stem cell research was because “life will not be bought and sold as a commodity”. Funny, I don’t see him working to reduce the costs of prescription medication, or trying to establish a national healthcare system. Isn’t having to pay money to live, erm, life being bought and sold as a commodity? Well, damn, what a hypocrite! Boy, that’s news, isn’t it?

Meanwhile, over on the Global Warming front: Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) (or, perhaps more accurately, “Senator Infohole”) is trying to spread his complete denial about humans’ role in the heating of the planet using outright lies and fabrication. His motivation? Well, one can only assume he’d like to see the entire human race wiped from the face of the planet. Seriously, though, what is the motivation for this kind of behavior? I know there’s the whole “we never, ever, EVER want to regulate business AT ALL, even if they’re using ORPHAN BLOOD to grease industrial machines” aspect, but this is something that may very well kill us all, not just the poor and children without parents.

I suppose it can be explained by the Green Lantern Theory. That is, that just like the bearer of the Green Lantern’s ring, the only thing limiting what America can do is the will. So, we don’t really have to worry about Global Warming or anything else, because, since we can do ANYTHING given enough will, we don’t have to worry about material reality.

My prediction is that eventually this country is going to become so backwards about science and technology that we begin to develop pro-bacterial hand soap, medical technology that exacerbates illness, and cars made of solid iron that manage about a dozen gallons per mile, at which point we completely wipe ourselves out. After several hundred years, when the land is finally able to once again sustain life, the country formerly known as the United States of America will be colonized by Canada, Mexico, Japan, South Korea, and China, since, with global warming raising the sea levels, they’re all going to be in need of more space.