Gay men did it with “fag,” African-Americans did it with “nigger” (yes, I typed it even though I’m white, it’s just a word for Christsakes). Now, it’s time to reclaim a word that I used to loathe, a word that still makes me cringe when used it a derogatory manner (not because of the word itself but because of the implications of judgement), a word that I’ve come to embrace: slut.
I was moved to write about this partly by Bitch | Lab’s post about classist implications of the insult “slut;” but it’s also just been hanging out in my head for a little over a year now.
All over the place, “slut” is used as an insult. But I don’t think most people actually stop to think about, and examine, what the insult really means and why. I know I didn’t, in 9th grade when I was calling other girls sluts for some reason or another (often jealousy).
So, first ask yourself: what is your definition of “slut”? (If you’ve already gotten past using it as an insult, this section doesn’t apply to you, since you’ve already done the hard work.) Your answer might be something like, “A girl who gives it away1,” or, “a girl who has sex with lots of guys2” – something like that. Then go a step further and ask yourself, “Okay, well why is [whatever your defintion is] bad?” More and more questions will follow, which you should continue to ask and answer.
If your definition of “slut” was something that included other assumptions – for example, “A girl who has lots of sex because she has low self-esteem” – then you also have to question the validity of those assumptions. Why do you assume she has low self-esteem based on her having “lots” of sex? And so on.
It’s not enough to just go along with neatly packaged, widely accepted sexual mores just because you’ve never had occasion to call them into question. You should call them into question. Why make decisions (and judgements) based on beliefs you haven’t even bothered to examine, but have just accepted at face value?
So, what’s my reclaimed definition of “slut”? A slut is someone who is self-determined, secure in his/her own sexuality, and who does what s/he has found to be right for himself/herself, regardless of whether it’s right for others. Concurrently, s/he doesn’t bedgrudge others the right to make different choices. Whatever s/he does (or doesn’t do), it’s because it’s what s/he wants; s/he won’t be pushed around.
You can see that this definition includes nothing about number of partners, type of clothing worn, gender, sexual orientation, etc. By this definition a virgin could be a slut (and apparently, some are). To be a slut is to be sexually liberated – it has nothing to do with how much or what type of sex you have.
1 Should she be receiving payment instead? Surely that would be even worse, right?
2 Note heterocentric assumptions and a lack of a definition for “lots.”
Not a very good argument. If one defines a slut as someone who sleeps around because of low self esteem, then someone is not a slut just for sleeping around. They become a slut when the sleeping around is caused by the low self esteem. Using this definition, you could sleep around like crazy, yet not be a slut. Therefore, calling someone a ‘slut’ is really saying ‘you sleep around because you have low self esteem’. Mix and match for other assumptions.
Are you a therapist who’s job it is to diagnose these things?
You don’t have to be a therapist to believe someone has low self-esteem. There are signs which can suggest it.
And besides, ‘slut’ is not a scientific term. It’s not a diagnosis, it’s an opinion. It’s perfectly possible to consider someone a slut because you believe them to sleep around due to low self-esteem, without needing to ask around amongst medical practicioners to find out if your belief has validity. You could be wrong, of course, but since when have terms of denigration bothered about that?
Have you ever called someone mean? Cold-hearted? A jerk? Any other type of word which requires an opionion. BtI is right, you’re not making a diagnosis, you’re expressing your opinion
I considered myself a virgin slut for years, partially because I was tired of being jealous of the real sluts.
Wattly’s right, though: if you’re determined to use it as an insult, better to have a pop psychological judgement than a baseless moral one.
If I wanted to be more of a pissant than is my general wont, I could helpfully point out that only one of the three epiphets you brought up under the subject of ‘reclamation’ have a zero chance of applying to you – and it was the one you offered the least explanation or apology for.
No, actually, that’s pretty mild. Here’s me as a pissant:
what is it that makes you feel like you have any standing to dredge up a quintessentially hateful, demonizing, and abusive word aimed at a community you have the wrong gonads to be a part of? And don’t give me any kind of bullshit about understanding or liking it. There needs to exist an implicit full rapport – something stronger, far stronger, than you’ve established anywhere I can see – to bring up the worst single epiphet any member of a community can encounter in a given language – without qualification. I’d be less harsh if there weren’t a fine body of evidence pointing to you not giving a shit about anyone without ovaries anyway.
…
I appreciate your point, and I find your usage of language acceptable on a personal level. However, do bear in mind that I spent half of Sunday evening berating a Mexican acquaintance for possessing ‘secret Jew magic’; I understand that my personal practices and opinions are actively contemptible to a fairly large and respectable segment of humanity.
In other words, when I smile and nod, chances are you’ve offended somebody. Just a heads-up.
…
I think reclaiming ‘slut’ is a good start, but it’s rooted in connotations of servitude (originally meant something along the lines of ‘woman-servant’, without a sexual connotation at all); any equivalent words imply prostitution, which is queen of no-nos for feminists.
I understand and sympathize with the want to take pride in fucking around. Believe me, I think the world would be a better place if the automatic reaction to a woman or a man getting their rocks off wasn’t fundamentally different; however, reclaiming words is definitely the wrong way to go about doing that.
Reclaimages like ‘fag’ or ‘nigger’ are, at their heart, aimed at reclaiming not *humanity*, but *community*. One gay man calls another a fag, or one black woman calls another a nigger (assuming neither is used as a term of abuse, which is fairly common in and of itself) and the connotation there is ‘We’re all in it together’. If anything, it’s the opposite of reclaiming humanity – it reminds people that they’re part of a big, strong group and that’s nothing to be ashamed or afraid of.
Yeah, maybe the current culture is evil to what I guess you’d call sluts. But better than half of the adult population of the country is potentially so; treating that number of people in the same fashion as you would a persecuted minority makes as little sense as the evangelicals putting on their martyrdom show.
And that’s all I have to say.
I’m confused by your post. Who are you replying to? I’m pretty sure Amber is a girl.
Well, hurling slut at people is an opinion too. So, dressing it up with a pretty word “low self esteem” isn’t any less of an insult.
The point about the word being used orginally as a term for servant — um, duh? I think you’d have to go to Bitch Lab to get it. But don’t let a little knowledge stand in the way of eternal ignorance.
Wattly: I was commenting on her unqualified use of the fag-word. I don’t mind it, but I know people.
Bitch|Lab (whoever you actually are): If you’re talking to me, would you mind making it a little clearer what you’re getting at? I’m afraid you’ve lost me.
Ah, makes sense now.
Yes, the confusion is strong with these comments.
“what is it that makes you feel like you have any standing to dredge up a quintessentially hateful, demonizing, and abusive word aimed at a community you have the wrong gonads to be a part of?” says Alec.
One time I thought it would be funny to yell, “hey you dyke!” at a friend of mine who I saw walking upon my college campus. And she looked up in fear. Err, opps. I’m queer and I use that word, but it hasn’t really been thrown at me in a hateful way (well, once or twice, but not in a threatening way). If I’d been gay bashed while being called various epithets, I’m sure I’d have a different view of them. Or if, say, my junior high years were haunted by a terrible label that I couldn’t escape, like “slut.”
If you haven’t experienced it, you haven’t experienced it and it’s not yours to throw around or reclaim. I’m not saying you have to have been labelled as a slut to use the word “slut” in a reclaiming way, but it has to actually apply to you in some way. Just like being a woman is not enough to grab the word “dyke,” you actually have to be a dyke. You have to be a slut to make this work.
Also, I want to second Alec’s comment and expand it to n—. It is not “just a word.” It’s a signifier for hatred, lynchings, violence, systematic discrimination, disenfranchisement, segregation and the terrible scourge of racism in America: past, present and future. When black folks use it amongst themselves, that does not make it ok for you to use it. Not because it’s “just a word.” Not because you have black friends, black colleagues, a black boy/girl friend, some connection to the black community. It’s not yours to use. It has baggage and is a cultural signifier. Not just a word.
What on earth makes you think I haven’t experienced it?
I’ve stopped posting here bc the assumptions are just too numerable for me to address, but I got a wild hair up my ass today and thought I’d stop by.
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Let me look again at that definition: a slut is someone who is self-determined, secure in his/her own sexuality, and who does what s/he has found to be right for himself/herself, regardless of whether it’s right for others. Concurrently, s/he doesn’t bedgrudge others the right to make different choices. Whatever s/he does (or doesn’t do), it’s because it’s what s/he wants; s/he won’t be pushed around.
Okay, that’s good enough if you want to be positive about it, but I just can’t see “slut” as a good thing. Sure s/he is doing right for her/him self, but just as often could not possibly care less about anyone else, esp. the (offstage) person the slut’s partner is committed to. Oh yeah, a slut doens’t begrudge another’s choices, but then said slut doesn’t respect another’s feelings either: I can have your beloved any time I like! Is this a good thing to go around flaunting?
A slut won’t be pushed around–more often is the one doing the pushing, refusing to be discreet or even calm, and making everyone notice him/her whether they like or not. It’s like a single-minded pursuit of chocolate, nothing else will do but to get one’s way, get all the attention.
Sure it’s important to stand up for oneself, to not go judging others, to be comfortable with one’s desires, but the term Slut just does not come to mind for me. Call me old-fashioned, but someone’s got to be the fuddy-duddy around here.
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