Dispatches From the Cave: The Personal Blog of Osama Bin Laden

Friday, March 10th, 2006 | 11:28 PM

Well, I was wrong. There was no surprise party after all. No balloons, no presents, no surprise cakes with one or more of my wives jumping out. My suspicions were all unjustified, and I had two of my wives and six of my men locked in small metal boxes in the direct sun for nothing.

Well, good. I didn’t want any of that anyway. I hate birthdays, almost as much as the infidel! …Oh, who am I kidding? As much as I told them not to make a fuss (and beat them not to, in some cases), I was really hoping they were going to do something special. I mean, for the love of Muhammed–may he be praised–it’s not a guarantee I’m going to make it to the next one! And it’s not like I’ve been awash with attention lately either.

Bah, I suppose it is my own fault. Perhaps they really were planning something, and changed their minds after all the torture. But, come on! I beat them nearly every day! It’s not like it’s something out of the ordinary. It’s like if they decided not to have a birthday party for me because the sun came up.

No, I guess it’s just that nobody cares about old Osama anymore. Wouldn’t that be a great name for a brand of whiskey or something? “Old Osama”. Maybe I could get Omar to bring me some bathtubs and we could make some down here in the caves. Really show the infidel what some of that capitalist initiative can do. I could not drink any myself, of course, praise be to Allah, but I could certainly sell it!

Bah. Bah! Look at how far my aspirations have fallen. I used to have ideas for blowing things up and now I just have ideas for making bathtub whiskey at the bottom of a cave. Maybe that’s all I’ll do for the rest of my life, sitting here at the edge of the cave in a rocking chair with a shotgun and permanent chewing tobacco stains in my beard, whittling and mumbling. May Allah kill me now if such is the case!

What a birthday. What a depressing, horrible, lonely birthday. I must be disappearing to the whole world or something. I am so upset that maybe I should do another tape. No, I would just end up making angry motions at the camera and then pacing back and forth growling and hitting myself. I doubt the infidel would really be threatened by that.

Oh, well. I guess I am only one day older than I was yesterday, and that is not such a big deal.

Current Music: The Beatles – Birthday
Current Mood: Disappointed =_=

Editor’s note: Yes, Osama Bin Laden’s birthday is March 10th. I’m not projecting; it’s just coincidence.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *