Dispatches From the Cave: The Personal Blog of Osama Bin Laden

Via FireDogLake: The United States government has begun a massive sweep for information on the internet, with inadequate Congressional oversight. Their sights, according to The Christian Science Monitor, are set pretty broadly, gathering information from news sites, blogs, and, well, just about everything. They’re apparently trying to find terrorists who use the internet to communicate their plans to one another.

At first, I thought this was extremely silly. I mean, what, like Osama Bin Laden is going to have a blog for fuck’s sake? But after extensive digging and research today, I did indeed discover the secret blog of Osama Bin Laden. So, without further ado, here’s today’s entry:

Thursday, February 9th, 2006 | 9:42 AM

Today, my dialysis machine started making a funny noise. It was scary, but it seemed to be working all right.

Omar thinks I should get a haircut. He says I’m looking a little ragged. I told him, ‘what does it matter? I haven’t been putting out any tapes.’ He said it was just for my own good. Maybe I should. I haven’t gotten enough ‘me’ time lately.

The Infidel keeps ignoring me. I mean, after all that shit I pulled, it’s a little frustrating that they won’t even return my calls. Maybe I should try e-mail, but I might have to go to a public library. I hate touching the keyboards at public libraries, ’cause I suspect there are plenty of perverts who use them to try looking for porn, and then go and whack off in the bathrooms. Who knows where their hands have been. Certainly nowhere I’d want mine to be. Eww. Plus, I can’t stand to look at the veins popping out of the backs of the librarians’ legs. I wonder if I could get wifi out here. I’ll ask Omar.

Three of my wives have been starting to complain about my sex drive. I considered having them killed, but I guess they have a point. I’m depressed. It’s probably from not getting enough sunlight, down in this cave. It’s like seasonal depressive disorder full-time. I don’t think I’ve had an erection in weeks.

Oh, well. Rahim is coming over a little later, so I should probably take a shower soon.

Current Music: Radiohead – Sit Down, Stand Up

Current Mood: Tired *_*

One thought on “Dispatches From the Cave: The Personal Blog of Osama Bin Laden”

  1. Well, I personally do not think lingerie would help Osama bin Laden. I don’t know what Tramadol is, but I’m sure Osama can find a better supplier than a seedy online business.

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