The quotes you are about to read are real. The name of the source has been changed to protect the guilty.

“If Bush actually pulls this out and wins, I’m taking to the streets and protesting for the next four years straight. It does appear so far that this election was relatively free and fair, so the claim that he stole the election cannot really be made this time around — well, let’s see how the provisional ballots go, actually — but I still can’t stand that smirky bastard.”

“I think Roberts is the reward the Democrats get for giving Bush hell over several other high-profile nominees. Roberts may be annoyingly conservative, but he’s being appointed by a Republican — that’s how it goes. He’s certainly not as horrible as Owens or Brown, as far as anyone can tell, so I think he’s okay.”

Tune in next time, when they lose the midterms again and Congress illegalizes divorce.