Eh, alright. I’m not going to really going to attempt to argue with this one, I’m just going to make fun of it. It’s kinda meant for little kids, apparently, and there are very few words. It’s just stupid.
“There’s only ONE WAY to give a rectal exam!”
1: “Come, children, I want to show you my collection of giant grapes.”
Hey, check it out! God is an action from Batman! <BAMF!> <POW!> <GOD!>
Jack Chick’s “Faceless, Creepy God”, coming this fall from McFarlane Toys.
2-1: “Is… is he talking to us or the tree?” “I don’t know.” “What does he want? Excuse me, what’s that, God? You don’t want us to point at trees?” “Maybe he’s trying to tell us that the tree is very, very hot.” “No, no. I’ve got it. I think he means he doesn’t want us to be fruits.”
2-2: So Adam and Eve stared at the tree for the rest of the day, wondering what he meant.
3-1: “You know, maybe if we tried one we might know what the fuck he was talking about.”
How d’ya like them apples? I… I dunno, really. They’re a little too poorly-drawn for my tastes. Apples, oranges, nondescript balls… whatever.
3-2: Keep this tree and all poisons out of the reach of children.
You know, what kind of God makes a tree that shits poisonous concrete powder? That’s just a really stupid idea for a tree. May as well have made, like, “knifegrass” and “rapebushes” while he was at it. Good thing these trees all apparently died off. Thank God for evolution, I guess.
<CRASH!> <POW!> <SIN!>
4-1: What’d they eat, leperfruit? And where did those clothes come from?
So what’s the implication here? Mankind didn’t have the ability to smell until they sinned? Or mankind didn’t produce any kind of bodily scent? And eating things gives you the ability to summon clothes from nothing?
4-2: And God said unto them, “seriously, get away from me, guys. You smell like someone puked rotten meat onto a burning tire.” And it was done. Amen.
5-1: “No, really.” *Stack, stack* “Stay the hell away from me. What did you two EAT?” *Stack, stack, stack* “It’s disgusting. You can come back when you don’t smell like you bathed in rat feces and rotting fish entrails. Thanks!” *Stack, stack, stack*
5-2: “You know, Adam, he sort of implied that we should stop bathing in this pool of filth.” “Yeah, but what else are we going to bathe in? Water? Oh, right, Eve. Like I’m going to listen to you after you did so well with that whole ‘apple’ thing.”
This reminds me of a joke I once heard. Okay, Adam and Eve are in a field having sex, and when they’re finished Eve goes over to the stream to clean herself off. God comes strolling by and notices. “Oh, dammit!” he shouts. “I’m NEVER going to be able to get that smell out of the fish.” *budump-tschhhh*
6-1: I guess an easy way to counteract this “punishment of god” would be… well… soap.
“Me Tarzan. You… smell like someone’s anus.”
6-2: “Flintstones: The Deep South”.
Eventually, they humped out a couple of filthy little shits to stink things up even more.
The look on his face: “*Sniff, sniff* ‘What is that smell, guys? It’s… it’s Billy down there, isn’t it?'”
7: A typical Alabaman family reunion photo. Or: The cast of the Broadway musical Stink!, the not-quite-as-successful sequel to Stomp!
It doesn’t even look like the wall is all that high. I’m sure that freakishly tall guy just left of center could easily hoist himself over it.
8: o/` All alone or in twos, the ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand, some gathering together in bands
The bleeding hearts and the artists make their stand.
And when they’ve given you their all,
Some stagger and fall, after all it’s not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.
The mob seems to be marching along so angrily. Like they’re going to go and confront the mayor over the backed-up sewer problem.
Arbitrary black person alert: second one from the corner, afro-tized and stereotyped for full effect. I guess other than that one black woman, all sinners are apparently white.
9: Didn’t I see this on an album cover somewhere?
10: Like this doesn’t just scream “Roach Motel”.
I guess he’s trying to say “It’s clearly marked!” But that’s just stupid. If he’d made it so damn clear, do you think people would’ve been fighting over it for so many millenia?
It almost feels like cheating for him to use words.
11: “Come inside and check out the World’s Most Acute-Angled Architecture!” Seems ol’ Jack’s “perspective” problem is more encompassing and multi-leveled than I initially suspected.
Okay, okay. Stink lines. We get it.
“Only midgets and children will be saved!”
Is it just me or does that sign look like it reads “GOD’S ACNE GIFT INSIDE” from this angle?
Fuck this, I’m going to go and read MAD’s “The Lighter Side of…” You know, down at the bottom right corner of the panel, there.
12: Boy, Faceless God sure has a hardon for the whole brick motif, doesn’t he?
Without words or a familiarity with the whole “Jesus” story, none of these pictures would make a bit of fucking sense. “Okay, a woman used a baby with a glowing head to look around in her barn. After that, a man on a camel looked at a star. Then a man standing on a small hill gave a man with a t-square directions.”
13: “Lower-case ‘t’ attacked the villagers by crushing them. They tried throwing rocks at it and whipping it, but it was unstoppable. It taunted them by holding up one of its victims like a puppet. Then everybody cheered as a man in a robe was abducted by aliens. The end.”
The little boy on the left looks like he’s trying to explain it to the other two. I wonder what his interpretation is.
14: “God’s Free Love Gift.” A corpse nailed up to two pieces of intersecting wood. Thanks, God! I love you, too! It’s like what a prize on “The Price is Right” would be like if it was hosted by Charlie Manson.
If that’s the entrance off to the left there… and Jesus, there, is back a little ways… and there was that hallway of pictures… then what the hell part of the building are they in? Jack has some real issues with space and building geometries.
“Oh, no! Lower-case ‘t’ has returned! Everybody run!”
15: So the kid just instantly hates Jesus from looking at a series of uncaptioned pictures. This seems more like a problem with marketing than anything. Not sure what sold the kids on the right. Six confusing images are all it takes to get them to buy an idea, I guess. I’m not exactly sure if these are the kind of people with whom I want to spend an eternity.
“Jesus Corpse is so dreeeeeammmy.”
16: “New Downy: Christ’s Blood! It gets out even the toughest of stains, and leaves your laundry smelling Mount Sinai Fresh!”
17-1: “He gets our whites whiter! He truly is the Messiah!”
17-2: “Are you saying I can dodge bullets?” “I’m saying that when the time comes, you won’t have to.”
18: “Bah, screw this. If my eternity is a choice between those giddy, obnoxious douchebags or a lake of fire, I’m going to go ahead and pick the less torturous one.”
19: “Go ahead, lady, you spend the rest of time with those saccharine twits. I’m getting back in line.”
20: Oh, God. Even though this is a “silent” cartoon, I can still feel them about to break into song. o/` Heaven… I’m in heaven… and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak… No doubt they have tap shoes on as well.
21: No, kids! It’s a trap! Don’t run into God’s force shiel–*BZZZZZZTP* Oh, well.
22: And here is where he makes up for not using words. Blah, blah, blah, Jesus, blah, blah, Jesus, Jesus, blah.
In summary, apples make you stink.
I think one of the must humorous things about this tract is the fact that if one were unfamiliar with the story of Adam and Eve (which, you know, is apparently the assumption Jack makes, since he’s trying to be all “educational” and whatnot) it would make absolutely no sense at all. But, whatever. I’m totally fine with getting a bunch of kids all terrified of the letter ‘t’. It’ll make watching Sesame Street more fun.