Chick Dissection | One Way!

Eh, alright. I’m not going to really going to attempt to argue with this one, I’m just going to make fun of it. It’s kinda meant for little kids, apparently, and there are very few words. It’s just stupid.

“There’s only ONE WAY to give a rectal exam!”

1: “Come, children, I want to show you my collection of giant grapes.”

Hey, check it out! God is an action from Batman! <BAMF!> <POW!> <GOD!>

Jack Chick’s “Faceless, Creepy God”, coming this fall from McFarlane Toys.

2-1: “Is… is he talking to us or the tree?” “I don’t know.” “What does he want? Excuse me, what’s that, God? You don’t want us to point at trees?” “Maybe he’s trying to tell us that the tree is very, very hot.” “No, no. I’ve got it. I think he means he doesn’t want us to be fruits.”

2-2: So Adam and Eve stared at the tree for the rest of the day, wondering what he meant.

3-1: “You know, maybe if we tried one we might know what the fuck he was talking about.”

How d’ya like them apples? I… I dunno, really. They’re a little too poorly-drawn for my tastes. Apples, oranges, nondescript balls… whatever.

3-2: Keep this tree and all poisons out of the reach of children.

You know, what kind of God makes a tree that shits poisonous concrete powder? That’s just a really stupid idea for a tree. May as well have made, like, “knifegrass” and “rapebushes” while he was at it. Good thing these trees all apparently died off. Thank God for evolution, I guess.

<CRASH!> <POW!> <SIN!>

4-1: What’d they eat, leperfruit? And where did those clothes come from?

So what’s the implication here? Mankind didn’t have the ability to smell until they sinned? Or mankind didn’t produce any kind of bodily scent? And eating things gives you the ability to summon clothes from nothing?

4-2: And God said unto them, “seriously, get away from me, guys. You smell like someone puked rotten meat onto a burning tire.” And it was done. Amen.

5-1: “No, really.” *Stack, stack* “Stay the hell away from me. What did you two EAT?” *Stack, stack, stack* “It’s disgusting. You can come back when you don’t smell like you bathed in rat feces and rotting fish entrails. Thanks!” *Stack, stack, stack*

5-2: “You know, Adam, he sort of implied that we should stop bathing in this pool of filth.” “Yeah, but what else are we going to bathe in? Water? Oh, right, Eve. Like I’m going to listen to you after you did so well with that whole ‘apple’ thing.”

This reminds me of a joke I once heard. Okay, Adam and Eve are in a field having sex, and when they’re finished Eve goes over to the stream to clean herself off. God comes strolling by and notices. “Oh, dammit!” he shouts. “I’m NEVER going to be able to get that smell out of the fish.” *budump-tschhhh*

6-1: I guess an easy way to counteract this “punishment of god” would be… well… soap.

“Me Tarzan. You… smell like someone’s anus.”

6-2: “Flintstones: The Deep South”.

Eventually, they humped out a couple of filthy little shits to stink things up even more.

The look on his face: “*Sniff, sniff* ‘What is that smell, guys? It’s… it’s Billy down there, isn’t it?'”

7: A typical Alabaman family reunion photo. Or: The cast of the Broadway musical Stink!, the not-quite-as-successful sequel to Stomp!

It doesn’t even look like the wall is all that high. I’m sure that freakishly tall guy just left of center could easily hoist himself over it.

8: o/` All alone or in twos, the ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand, some gathering together in bands
The bleeding hearts and the artists make their stand.
And when they’ve given you their all,
Some stagger and fall, after all it’s not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.

The mob seems to be marching along so angrily. Like they’re going to go and confront the mayor over the backed-up sewer problem.

Arbitrary black person alert: second one from the corner, afro-tized and stereotyped for full effect. I guess other than that one black woman, all sinners are apparently white.

9: Didn’t I see this on an album cover somewhere?

10: Like this doesn’t just scream “Roach Motel”.

I guess he’s trying to say “It’s clearly marked!” But that’s just stupid. If he’d made it so damn clear, do you think people would’ve been fighting over it for so many millenia?

It almost feels like cheating for him to use words.

11: “Come inside and check out the World’s Most Acute-Angled Architecture!” Seems ol’ Jack’s “perspective” problem is more encompassing and multi-leveled than I initially suspected.

Okay, okay. Stink lines. We get it.

“Only midgets and children will be saved!”

Is it just me or does that sign look like it reads “GOD’S ACNE GIFT INSIDE” from this angle?

Fuck this, I’m going to go and read MAD’s “The Lighter Side of…” You know, down at the bottom right corner of the panel, there.

12: Boy, Faceless God sure has a hardon for the whole brick motif, doesn’t he?

Without words or a familiarity with the whole “Jesus” story, none of these pictures would make a bit of fucking sense. “Okay, a woman used a baby with a glowing head to look around in her barn. After that, a man on a camel looked at a star. Then a man standing on a small hill gave a man with a t-square directions.”

13: “Lower-case ‘t’ attacked the villagers by crushing them. They tried throwing rocks at it and whipping it, but it was unstoppable. It taunted them by holding up one of its victims like a puppet. Then everybody cheered as a man in a robe was abducted by aliens. The end.”

The little boy on the left looks like he’s trying to explain it to the other two. I wonder what his interpretation is.

14: “God’s Free Love Gift.” A corpse nailed up to two pieces of intersecting wood. Thanks, God! I love you, too! It’s like what a prize on “The Price is Right” would be like if it was hosted by Charlie Manson.

If that’s the entrance off to the left there… and Jesus, there, is back a little ways… and there was that hallway of pictures… then what the hell part of the building are they in? Jack has some real issues with space and building geometries.

“Oh, no! Lower-case ‘t’ has returned! Everybody run!”

15: So the kid just instantly hates Jesus from looking at a series of uncaptioned pictures. This seems more like a problem with marketing than anything. Not sure what sold the kids on the right. Six confusing images are all it takes to get them to buy an idea, I guess. I’m not exactly sure if these are the kind of people with whom I want to spend an eternity.

“Jesus Corpse is so dreeeeeammmy.”

16: “New Downy: Christ’s Blood! It gets out even the toughest of stains, and leaves your laundry smelling Mount Sinai Fresh!”

17-1: “He gets our whites whiter! He truly is the Messiah!”

17-2: “Are you saying I can dodge bullets?” “I’m saying that when the time comes, you won’t have to.”

18: “Bah, screw this. If my eternity is a choice between those giddy, obnoxious douchebags or a lake of fire, I’m going to go ahead and pick the less torturous one.”

19: “Go ahead, lady, you spend the rest of time with those saccharine twits. I’m getting back in line.”

20: Oh, God. Even though this is a “silent” cartoon, I can still feel them about to break into song. o/` Heaven… I’m in heaven… and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak… No doubt they have tap shoes on as well.

21: No, kids! It’s a trap! Don’t run into God’s force shiel–*BZZZZZZTP* Oh, well.

22: And here is where he makes up for not using words. Blah, blah, blah, Jesus, blah, blah, Jesus, Jesus, blah.

In summary, apples make you stink.

I think one of the must humorous things about this tract is the fact that if one were unfamiliar with the story of Adam and Eve (which, you know, is apparently the assumption Jack makes, since he’s trying to be all “educational” and whatnot) it would make absolutely no sense at all. But, whatever. I’m totally fine with getting a bunch of kids all terrified of the letter ‘t’. It’ll make watching Sesame Street more fun.

39 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | One Way!”

  1. Look, phentermine, can’t you take a compliment? (And where the heck did you get that nickname?)

    Edit: Randy is referring to a spam comment that was later deleted.

  2. This is a good one. I am a gay Christian minister, and I Love these parodies. Beware of those creeps at Chick Inc. They have a boner for people who parody Jacks “beloved” work. These are downright Hilarious.

  3. You, my friend, are brilliant.

    I love reading these parodies, and this one made me laugh so hard tears streamed down my cheeks. Keep up the great work!

  4. Hehe, well, thank you. I’m honored.

    Steve: Actually, none of them have contacted me yet. I’m a little surprised. I’d love to have a showdown with them–the publicity would be great. 😉

  5. Ha ha haa! These are so freaking funny! Once a year at my school we have Christian wackos hand out Chick tracts to us as we get off the bus. Isn’t that illegal or something? Anyway, I was thrilled to discover these parodies! Keep up the awesome work!

  6. I literally laughed until I wet myself! The loveseat will never be the same! Don’t stop making fun of ChickTracts…I know it’s EASY, but you do it so WELL!!!

  7. You know, my first thoughts on th 9th and 10th panels were that the doorway shown was a gate to Hell, and the signs set up by Satan to decieve people. You know, like when Wile E. Coyote left out a sign that said ‘Free Birdseed’ in order to trick/capture the Roadrunner. “Free God’s Gift, its at the back of this dark secluded alley.” The fact that they were set up by God raises some questions, such as:

    why Chick draws such crappy signs
    If God wants to save us, why is the way to salvation in a creepy looking hole in a wall?
    If God wants to save us, why doesn’t he do it in a way that’s a bit more…obvious? (This is more an attack on Chick’s artistic/propaganda abilities than anything else)

    Other questions arise that don’t immediately pertain to the creepy signs/hole in the wall:

    The use of the afforementioned captionless pictures on display to explain some ultimate truth without the aide of those little narrative headsets they rent out at museum exhibits
    If the sign in the gallery says ‘One Way,’ then how was that blonde kid able to leave? Shouldn’t Jesus slam the door in his face and cosmically assrape him because there’s no turning back now? (After all, by denying us free will, God would effectively be raping us by keeping us in Heaven against our will)
    Why is the blood falling on the prostrated kids’ backs not running down the sides of the rock like fluids NORMALLY do?
    Why would God leave a tree that would spray people with shit-collecting powder within easy reach of people who don’t know any better, and then tell them to fuck off when the fail to follow His incomprehensible instruction?
    Assuming He’s able to cast people aside so easily, why is God so excited to have the kids back? I mean, they may not reek of shit anymore, but they’ll stink terribly of blood. And that stuff don’t come out 😛
    Why would all those shit-coated people be walking along the length of this wall towards a big flaming abyss? I mean, there’s at least one OTHER direction they could be walking in (and I don’t mean the creepy God hole)

    It saddens me that there are people out there who take this pseudo-Christian tripe seriously. Personally, I’d prefer Hell to Chick’s vision of God and Heaven any day.

    Very good parody, man. Tom and Crow would be proud

  8. This one was absolutely hilarious. The quiet people in the computer lab kept looking at me when I laughed out loud. Guess people just aren’t into hearty displays of enjoyment, huh?

  9. Actually, not bad for-again-over simplified fundamentalism. No wonder they are usually anti-intelelctual.

    You are certainly a stereotyper Jabber-enough slams agaisnt southerns, none against the multitude of hicks also in NE and West-been there, seen ‘um and talked to them.

    Stop relying on Jerry Springer-oh, thats right, you are the gullible one to believe anything (see comments from the last posting), except the Truth.

  10. I say “south” one time in this entire thing, and it’s, in case you haven’t noticed, a joke. I don’t genuinely just arbitrarily dismiss everything or everyone below the ol’ Mason-Dixon.

  11. Hilarious is an understatement. You had me in stitches and tears of laughter all afternoon. Thanks for sharing your most amusing and intelligent remarks in this fashion. Please keep up the great Work!!! Rob from Germany

  12. The last panel looks like two homosexual men about to adopt those two children. But one is blind and lacks any phsyical features….and they have a pet dove, that lacks any phsyical features.

  13. Did anyone else notice the bottom right corner of 19-B? “Doo doo doo, walking down the path with the smelly dudes and HOLY SHIT! A LAKE OF FIRE!”

  14. that panel where jesus bathes the children with blood reminds me of elizabeth bathory, that medieval noblewoman who would kidnap young peasant virgin girls, hang them upside down, stab their necks, and wash herself with their blood. her reason was that the blood gave her eternal youth and life. now i know where she got the idea from. and wouldnt you know it, the whole drinking blood of jesus idea that chick doesnt like catholics to perform ritually but he still believes in gave rise to vampirism that fundies and other christians dismiss as satanic but does have its basis in early christianity practice of the mass. by the way, the real count dracula, vlad tepes “the impaler”, though not a vampire himself, was a devout christian who founded the order of the dragon in medieval romania as a crusading society to combat the muslim ottoman turks as well as peasants who he thought where heretics. thus, the name “dracula” comes from “dracul”, romanian for dragon, from the name of the society. so i wouldnt really want to go to heaven to meet a guy who shoved giant stakes in people’s anuses. no thanks.

  15. You know, the entire effect of this tract made me belive that Chick wants us to worship Lower Case T and not God.

    Bow down to the migthy letter t or be smitted!

  16. Hehe That’s another funny Tract I found at the Wal-Mart Supercenter in my hometown of Deland, FL. What got me was it was in the bathroom stall on top of the toilet paper dispenser.

    I dunno about you all, but in my mindset, Jack Chick Tracts don’t make for very good reading when you’re on the john. I didn’t dare wipe my ass with it since the paper is so freakin rough. Suddenly, as I was about to leave, I had an idea.

    I tore off the cover, used some Scotch tape I had in my pocket, and taped it on the ground in front of the toilet. I had hopes someone would get a laugh out of it as I threw the rest of the tract away.

  17. That whole fruit thing reminds me of this dog called Ichi, whenever she has a piece of fruit she shows it around for a bit, then leaves it on the floor and lefts it unguarded until a cat wants to smell it, then she growls, jumps on the food and eats it greedily.

    In the seventh panel, faceless god should be pointing and laughing like Nelson Muntz “HA-HA! You fell in my poison tree trap!”

  18. Wish we knew WHY the blonde kid said no to the Lowercase ‘T’ of Purification. They seem to be aware of the stink and you’d think he’d wanna be rid of it. But I guess someone has to always arbitrarily refuse Christ and be eternally doomed in these things.

  19. Y’know, the first time I read the “GOD’S FREE ACNE GIFT” line, I almost thought it said ACME. Almost.


    What REALLY makes me curious is if a kid who has never even heard of Jesus in his lifetime picks up this tract and manages to understand it.

    Keep it up, Jabber. I love your dissections.

  20. 18: Has Mr. Mustachio been standing there with his apathied left foot forward the entire time? Worst interpretation of bullet time ever.

  21. Don’t know if this has been mentioned but this is a kids adaption of another tract that is exactly the same except replace ALL of the sinners (including the ones that got saved and the one that didn’t) with Native Americans. It’s so offensive I want to go Silence of the Lambs on Chick.

  22. @Kilted_Kaboodle : Oh god I saw that one. I wonder if he’s secretly racist. The fact that he has a separate tract adaptation series made for blacks (complete with dialog alterations in some of the tracts) doesn’t really help his case, either.

  23. I have never seen perfectly spherical fruit before. But then, this is God’s perfect garden in his perfect world, so maybe all of the fruit is perfectly shaped. But if it were perfect, how did sin manage to sneak in? Hey, where is the Satan-snake?? You left out a bit of the story, Jack! The big theme in this fable is that the snake takes the part of the trickster, much the way coyotes, crows, and foxes do in American Indian myths. He tricks the stupid humans into disobeying God, but then his prank is turned back on him as he is punished, as well. Jack doesn’t get this because he has never heard of the trickster character, and would see no connection between this myth and the thousands of others that humans have made up. But I still insist that he do a revamp of this tract and include poor old neglected Satan-snake.

    1. “My beautiful snake arms and legs, nooo! I’ll get you NEXT time, God! *hiss*”
      And that’s The Satan’s orgin story, kiddos!
      “Thanks, Bibleman, played by Willie Aames!”

  24. I’m 99% sure that this was the first Chick Track I read as a child. The symbolism had a profound affect on my young mind, but I don’t think in the way Jack intended though.
    Hilarious dissection, LOVE the part were you translated the pictues on the wall, so awesome.

  25. There is only one way to be healed. That’s through E.T.’s magic finger.

    The kid who rejects the doorway entrance thing that gets people clean looks kind of like the kid in the tract that debated with the scientist about evolution. In a way that’s kind of funny because, I’ve heard somewhere that he supposedly resembles Kent Hovind.

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