Chick Dissection | Birds and the Bees

Just… utterly revolting. No wonder Jack Chick hates gay people–he has absolutely no idea what they’re really like. And if he thinks tolerance is being pushed in schools, when kids like that little six- or seven-year-old in Louisiana are sent home from school for saying the word “lesbian” when describing why he has two moms, he’s even more… erm, well, we’ve already established how out of touch with reality he is, and how enormous an idiot, so… right.

Bah. Fucking hate-mongering, appalling bullshit. What would Jesus do? Certainly not this.

Careful, everyone–this one’s like Jedi Lightning.

What the hell is she wearing? Is she on shore leave or something? These kids are extremely easily impressed. Who says “Oh, wow!” before they even see what the surprise is? For all they know, it could be the Spanish Inquisition. That’s always a surprise, because nobody ever expects it.

Aww, the guy on the right brought his cat. And the guy on the left brought his… uh… breathing apparatus of some sort?

Man, these people are hideous. I’ll explain why later.

…oops!, wife?

Erm, nope. Not buying this, Jack. Fuck, you can’t even get the terminology right. “Wife?” “Wife?” I’d say “partner” or “husband” is far more likely. He’d probably only call him his “wife” if he was a heterosexual who was somehow bamboozled into thinking he’s been having sex with a very masculine woman named Charles who just happens, for whatever reason, to have a penis.

Aww, lookit the widdle demons. Those are probably the cutest things Chick’s ever drawn. They sure beat his disproportionate, bug-eyed, repulsive monster children.

Gah, her face is melting. What is that?

You know, I’ve never heard of a teacher just randomly springing a “surprise” gay couple on a class for no real reason. I did a pretty thorough Google search, even, and couldn’t turn anything up at all. I’m willing to bet, in fact, that if I had a LexisNexis account, I wouldn’t find anything there, either. Want to know why? Because it’s fucking stupid, and we don’t hire people with sub-50 IQs to teach in public classrooms. It’s almost like: “Okay, kids–we have a surprise today! Here’s a heterosexual couple. Yep. They have sex with each other on a regular basis. Figured I’d… uh… bring ’em in here. Just wanted to show you. No real reason.”

Nobody. Acts. Like. This.

By the way, Genesis 2:24 says:

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Nothing about “no fags” there. And as far as Leviticus is concerned, let’s make sure to kill everyone who has ever gotten a divorce for reasons other than unfaithfulness, then, as well. Oh, and God hates shrimp, apparently, too. God forbid you eat shellfish, because, well, God forbade you eat shellfish. Let’s not forget that there are large portions of rules in many religions, Christianity especially, that existed at the time, thousands of years ago, for the sole purpose of maintaining hygeine and health.

Guess what Leviticus also says? I can own SLAVES! Well, as long as they’re bought from a neighboring country. So watch out, Canada! Oh, and how could I forget the ever-important Lev. 19:27, thou shalt not shave. ALL OF THE CHARACTERS DEPICTED IN YOUR TRACTS ARE HAIR-TRIMMED ABOMINATIONS!

Oh, and I could go on for hours about the semantics of Romans 1:26-27. But instead, I’ll just link to THIS.

Oh, like she’s never seen Queer Eye?

Jack tries for innocent, cute and endearing, but he ends up with simple-minded, chipmunk-like and obnoxiously saccharine.

Wait, so believing something is wrong makes it totally cool for you to use (apparently) offensive terminology? “Well, my dad said being gay is wrong, so it’s okay if I call them ‘pillow-biting, buttfucking faggots’, right?”

Nobody acts like this. Seriously. Find me a gay person who sincerely believes a homophobe should be put in an insane asylum, Jack, and I’ll give you a… well, I’ll give you an especially skeptical look. You know, despite what you might think, what you believe is usually not somehow inversely reciprocated. Just because you think gays should be put in an asylum doesn’t mean gays and people okay with homosexuality think homophobes should be.

You know, Jack, there’s a perfectly good actual definition of the word “intolerant” available. We don’t need your annotated Pseudo-Definitions For Children. Here’s what Merriam-Webster says:

Main Entry: in·tol·er·ant
Pronunciation: -r&nt
Function: adjective
1 : unable or unwilling to endure
2 a : unwilling to grant equal freedom of expression especially in religious matters b : unwilling to grant or share social, political, or professional rights : BIGOTED
– in·tol·er·ant·ly adverb
– in·tol·er·ant·ness noun

Being intolerant of blacks, for instance, doesn’t mean you “don’t support” them. Yeah, brainwash some more innocent children into thinking being “intolerant” is somehow okay, and that the word itself is just a silly bit of tripe. Why do you hate America?

o/` Darling, I don’t know why I go to extremes. / Too high or too low, there ain’t no in-betweens.

Huh, how’d that get stuck in my head suddenly?

Yes, gay people want to put everyone in prison.

Oh, right–the disgusting appearances thing I mentioned earlier. Look at this guy. I’ve discussed this in earlier Dissections, but here’s one of Jack’s little illustration tricks: Because his arguments are so weak, he resorts to depicting characters on the other side of his arguments as hideous or even just subtly visually unappealing. I mean, yeah, there is his general lack of talent, but it doesn’t fully account for the phenomenon illustrated by his, well, illustrations. Go through any of his tracts, and you’ll see this classic cartoon-stlye “villains = ugly” pattern.

For some reason, I want to play Dr. Mario. I’m really not sure why.

Ah, hell. I sense a load of “You can’t even think about God in school”-scented bullshit about to drop.

Is that someone else’s hand over that kid’s mouth, or does he just have a dislocated arm?

Stupid is as stupid draws.

Blah, blah, blah, filler panel.

Wait, “Gay”? With a capital “G”*? Why? When did “gay” become a proper noun, other than as a surname or the name of a town?

And, yes, the Bible has all the answers for everything, especially when referenced from within the memory of an eight-year-old.

*And that rhymes with “P”, and that stands for “Pool”.

I don’t recall Jesus saying anything about homosexuality in the Bible. I DARE you–go ahead and find ONE THING that Jesus said about gays. ONE THING. And we’ve already covered some of the specific references to non-Gospel passages in the Bible a few panels ago, so go ahead–try that route again if you want to experience the sensations of what a swift punch to the throat feels like.

Another activity for you: Prove, without reference to the Bible itself or using mindless tautology, that “the Bible is true“.

“The Bible shows us what’s right and wrong. Here are some examples: Right – owning other human beings as slaves; burning animals in sacrifice; staying in an abusive marriage instead of getting a divorce. Wrong – eating shellfish; working on the Sabbath; planting two different crops in the same field; being at all effeminate, or treating a man as one would a woman (which is kind of ambiguous, but whatever, let’s just say it’s about the fags).”

Yeah, I want my kids learning those values.

You know what else they did years ago, little girl? Burned witches. Oh, and there were state religions in many European countries, and anyone who didn’t subscribe was in danger of severe, sometimes fatal, punishment. Romans fed many Christians to lions, because of religion. And many people were tortured to death because they didn’t believe in Christianity. Yes, let’s go back to THOSE times, you sniveling little shit.

Whenever the fuck did this ever happen? No, no, no. It’s absolutely fine, as it well should bloody be, for you to bring a Bible to school, and pray, and talk about Jesus. It’s not okay for teachers in a public institution to proselytize to children.

You PROVE to me, Jack–again without tautologies or reference to the Bible itself–that the Bible should become the school-taught religious system and not, say, the Quran, or beliefs of the Hopi tribe, or the writings of the Sumerians, or Celtic beliefs, or whatever. Go ahead and try.

While you’re at it, I’ll be over here drafting up some legislation to try to make sure you have to discuss alternative perspectives in your church sermons. Don’t think there should be separation of church and state? Fine. But it can just as easily work from the government to the churches as it can the other way around. Instead of the church telling the government what to do, I want the government to tell the churches what to do. How do you feel about that?

And yes, yes, there’s this just, like, MASSIVE conspiracy of public school teachers to get little kids to burn forever. Right. Want to know why nobody’s told you about it, you gaping, dumb little twit? Because you go to school to learn how to think, not how to believe. Scientific theory and religious theory are two very different concepts. The former relies on repeatedly testing observable phenomenon to the point of almost ridiculous redundancy, whereas the latter relies on “it was written down by someone at some point, and then called ‘The Word of God'”. You know, why even fucking go to school at all if you’re just going to believe in everything? Why learn anything at all if you can just chalk it all up to “God said so”? Want to learn about God instead of reality? Don’t go to school, and just write in “because God” for every explanation to everything that ever happens. But don’t expect to be taken seriously, then, either.

Okay, so what if none of these kids EVER told a lie? What then, huh, Susy? Huh?

I’ll bet you could switch the head of the girl on the right onto one of Chick’s adult female bodies and nobody would really be able to tell the difference. The black girl in the second panel isn’t so much surprised or desperately curious as she is terrified by the girl on the left’s HUGE, TERRIBLE EYES.

So all these kids, then, went home absolutely terrified that they were going to burn forever because they didn’t tell their mom who broke the vase, or they told their dad they weren’t getting him a tie for Father’s Day. Christianity: The Faith of Fear.

“…so this is what he did. He gave everyone a message that was kind of ambiguous, and then allowed it to be tampered with by various monks and religious organizations that added their own bits to suit their own agendas, and just over two thousand years later, it’s been translated so many times by so many different organizations, and is worded so ambiguously and contradictorily that it’s really not very clear what to do or believe in order to be looked upon with favor by the eyes of God. So much for omnipotence, huh?”

Wasn’t the whole “sending Jesus to Earth” thing really more of a symbolic gesture? If God is truly all-poweful, why go through the whole complicated process when you could just go “huzzah! Your sins are gone!” and be done with it quickly and easily? Or, better yet, just, y’know, modify the very fabric of reality so it’s more in tune with your expectations.

So what if you believe in Jesus, but are gay? I mean, what if you’re a man who has sex with other men, but you worship Jesus as your Lord and savior? That… doesn’t necessarily contradict itself, you know.

VERY SOON! How soon? So soon, they’ve been predicting it for HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

Hey, wait a minute. What happened to those cute little Dr. Mario Virus Fag-Demons? Those things were adorable.

Oh, a silhouette. How creative, Jack. What’s the matter, just didn’t feel like actually drawing anything for this panel?

So God is a petty attention-whore, then? And, I mean, what constitutes belief? I’m willing to accept the idea that I may be wrong and maybe Jesus really did come here from God to die in some kind of elaborate “rescue” ritual–does that constitute belief? What about people who only sort of believe? Like, maybe they have some doubts about all of it. Or how about people who believe solely out of fear of the potential consequences of not believing? Does their sort of “forced” belief still count?

“All three kids got saved”? What kind of cop-out shit is that? What, you had to include the redundant filler panels with the kids asking the girl if she reads the Bible, but you couldn’t include them all falling onto the sidewalk and bawling? You could’ve had them on a hopscotch grid, maybe a basketball off to the side next to a discarded jump rope.

And if it’s that bloody easy, then what’s the point? What is it with all this ridiculous symbolism? “God is all-powerful, yet he has to do everything the absolute hardest and most contrived way imaginable.”

Yes, the gay lifestyle depicted in the Bible is exactly like that of the gays living today. I’ll admit, there’s a part of the gay community involved in drugs and wild partying, but the same can be said for just about any community. That doesn’t mean those communities as wholes are “evil”. Yeah, there are a TON of college kids who fuck each other seemingly at random, get stoned and drunk out of their minds, and live in a kind of sad pseudo-hedonism, but that doesn’t mean that every college student is disgusting and wicked.

And many translations of the Bible say “homosexual offenders” when depicting the citizens of Sodom. Like, you know, sex offenders. There’s a difference between a homosexual, and a homosexual sex offender. It’s the same as the difference between a heterosexual and a heterosexual sex offender. If you honestly believe, Jack, that gay people who have wild, abusive, hedonistic sex with each other (like those apparently depicted in Sodom) are the equivalent of what the Bible refers to when it says the bit about “lying with a woman” or “having the love for a man that one should have for a woman”, then I have serious worries about your perspective on relationships with women.

Bahaha, possessions. Right. One of the many excuses for getting out of the responsibility of free will.

Why would God want to destroy them? He created them. And why destroy them? Why not, erm, heal them? Depossess them? He is, after all omnipotent. Or maybe he’s not, if his solution to everything is “BURN IT TO THE GROUND”.

Why the fuck didn’t Lot just move? Or was he comfortable buying groceries from people who were apparently brutally raping each other behind the counter and having jizzfests in the food carts?

Hey, um, Jack? Jack? You, uh, missed a part. You know, the part where Lot offers his daughters up to be brutally raped by the townspeople?

5And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

6And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,

7And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.

8Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

I’m not sure if this is all something out of which you’d want to make a lesson in morality. That is, of course, unless your morals say it’s okay to send your daughters out to be raped. But, yeah, there’s no such thing as moral or ethical ambiguity, right?

Hah, “back“? You’ve obviously never heard of THE LAST SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS. Rome? Riddled with fags. Greece? You couldn’t toss a nickel without it dropping onto some boy-on-boy action. Homosexuality isn’t just some current trend, you moron. It’s just been kind of culturally closeted for a couple centuries. People have still been gay, they’ve just been terrified to come out about it. It is BIOLOGICAL, and doesn’t just DISAPPEAR with prayer. If you think it’s gone, it’s really only just repressed. And what’s better than repressed fags entering into essentially loveless marriages with obnoxious, pissy women who are so religiously sexually repressed themselves that they won’t even let you make love to them unless you’re both in a dark room wearing blindfolds under four layers of bedding with a slab of particle board between you with a hole cut through it? YEAH, THAT’S PROGRESS.

Hey, Jude 7. Don’t make it bad. Take a sad Psalm, and make it better.

You know, why should I take you seriously at all? Why should anyone listen to anything you have to say about sex? I mean, for fuck’s sake, you people think clitoral orgasms are an abomination.

Oh, yes, all those laws that say Satan must destroy children. You know the ones.

Another dare for you, Jack–this time I double dare you: Find me ONE law that indicates in ANY WAY that teachers have to bring gay couples into classrooms. (Tip: You might want to opt for the Physical Challenge on this one.)

Who can MAKE someone be gay? How does that work? I’ve had gay people hit on me before. I’ve even had one guy offer to fly me out to his place if I felt like “experimenting”. I turned them down, of course. Not because I believe in Jesus, but because I’M NOT GAY.

I think Jack is confusing gay people with rapists. See, Jack, here’s the difference:

You: I’m not gay.
Gay person: Oh. Okay, sweetie. Plenty of fish in the sea.


You: I’m not gay.

I know it’s subtle, but there is a difference.

By the way, Jack, it seems like you don’t pay too close attention to Revelations:

For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.
– Revelation 22:18-19, KJV

So your little notations and taking things out of context and such? Not a good idea.

I, uh, think you’re going to be pretty surprised when Jesus returns. Trust me on this one.

Huh, has Non-Susy, there, been aging throughout this tract? What is she, like, forty now?

Again, who can be “tricked into” being [g]ay? And WHERE OH WHERE did Jesus say ANYTHING about being [g]ay?

“When Jesus Christ returns to rule the world, you’ll be on the winning side.” Or so you think. You people are extremely assumptive about the mind and will of God, aren’t you?

Pfft. “[D]evil’s crowd”.

Oh, it’s a good thing he pointed out that we’d be saved “(from hell)”. I was under the apparently mistaken impression that we’d be saved for later use, or for a rainy day, or posterity or something.

God looks really, really bored. He should conjure himself up a PlayStation3 or something. I’m sure he could make a pretty awesome screen on which to play it as well. I mean, he is, after all, an awesome God.

So the moral is, apparently, “whatever Hell you feel awaits gay people after they die you should ensure is matched here on Earth”. You know, God’s Love and all that. It’s okay to hate fags, as long as you hate with love!

65 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Birds and the Bees”

  1. “Don’t be upset when the big mean faggot bullies pick on you.

    Eventually, your Big Brother Jesus is going to come down and light their fucking asses on FIRE.”

  2. I hate this “What Would Jesus Do?” bullshit. You know what Jesus would do about homosexuality? He would rise from the dead and ascend into Heaven at the right hand of God the Father. Jesus died for your sins, He didn’t die for politics.

  3. It’s a crying shame that ignorance isn’t a crime. Excuse me, stupidity. I’ve read Jack Chick’s little comics before, and they make me as sick to my soul now as they did then. I am a Christian, and I don’t stand for this hate-mongering propaganda that he preaches. It’s just WRONG. It’s no wonder that there are so many former Christians in the world, if they have this man showing a false example.

  4. I grew up on the Christianity from which Jack Chick sprung (hatched?) Thank the Gods I’m a Pagan, now. It is Pope Jack the Tripper whom we Heathen regard as REAL Christians—insults firmly intended. The rest of you penis-jockeys are just timid Zoroastrians!
    Praise Baal and Rock on!

  5. This is some pretty funny shit, however- It is also sad/infuriating etc…. We all know there are millions of…. people who think just like this dumbass depicts in his tracts. Keep up the good fight, jabberwock! The more people like you we have in the world, the better.

  6. One thing: The Romans fed Christians to lions not because of what is necessarily a religious issue, but a political one. In ancient Rome, whenever the Romans conquered a new territory with a foreign religion, they would simply absorb the pantheon of the native religion into their own, which is reflected in the very obvious “plagairism” of the Greek gods in Roman mythology. The Christians refused to allow their god to be absorbed into the Roman pantheon, and were therefore seen as trying to undermine the faiths of the other Roman citizens and undermine the Empire itself. They were political martyrs, not religious ones.

  7. Man, it’s terrible that there are people who actually believe stuff like this. This is a comic obviously aimed at litte kids, so don’t be surprised if you hear about an increase of queer kids being beaten up in school, because aparently, its ok and they are going to hell anyway. oh, well.

  8. The whole thing about gay being different from rapists was hilairous. God bless your soul. You are wounderful person helping to destory this hatefull false teacher.

  9. I’m not gay and even that tract pissed me off. It’s obvious that it was written by a homophobic retard.
    If it was okay for God to destroy Sodom with fireballs than surely it’s okay for us to KILL ALL GAYS!!!!!!!!!!! Jack Chick also is notorious for depicting non-christians as ugly, immoral scum.

  10. Guest-authored by Fred Phelps. It’s just wrong, to have a little girl saying such things. It’s not the subject matter, it’s that the girl is getting sex education that young OUTSIDE of school. And, speaking of “intolerance,” we agnostics are not all prejudiced against Christians. True or not, “Judge not lest ye be judged” is a good point.

  11. Those gay guys also remind me of Dr. Forester and TV’s Frank.
    When you first see the little demons clinging too the gays, one of them looks kind of like a face hugger

  12. Actually, in class we recently read an article called the “Gay Learning Curve” which offers some interesting ideas on homosexuality in our culture. Basically, what the article says is that in thier teens, gays hide thier homosexuality to avoid embarrassment and ridicule. Later on, when they finally do come out of the closet, they are sexually immature and basically as a heterosexual would be 20 years ago. This accounts for the prevalence of drugs, etc. The author makes the point that religion takes the use of drugs and stuff and says it is a result of being gay. As you can probably see, it is a vicious cycle, that thinking makes people in the LGBT community wait longer, which accounts for more drug use and other problems. If society stops just worrying about it and is accepting, everything will be better.

  13. YOur dare is on-Jesus says he and the Father were one. He said he was I AM. He, the Father and HS were there at creation. He was the silent member of the Trinity. Scripture slowly revealed God and his plan, inc Trinity.

    Since the God of the OT is the same as the NT and Christ is one w/Father and HS-yes folks, he destroyed Sodom too!

    Jabber against displays his ignorance and sets up a division between OT and NT. One that does not exist.

    Jesus came to bring the New Covenant and die for your sins. He was not:
    a revolutionary
    a rebel
    hip hipster
    nice guy, never condeming
    peace, love and fluff

    Good talk on this:

    Jabber the Manichean!!

    BTW- Jude-an apostale of Jesus-condems gays in his short letter, so too does Apostale Paul, Peter……..

    Get off the athiest cool aid fella

  14. So a person saying something makes it automatically true? What if I say that God and I are one?

    If you read anything more recent about religion that I’ve written, you’ll note that it’s at the very least heavily implied that I don’t believe atheism, either, and that the true path to secularism is agnosticism. Making any definite conclusions either way about anything undetectable, unobservable, and, thus, unprovable is completely unscientific and does not in any way represent reality.

    Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, and it’s entirely possible God does, in fact, exist. However, until it can be observed, making definite claims or assumptions about it in either direction (e.g. he exists; he doesn’t exist) is foolish and unrealistic.

    There’s no more evidence that anything depicted in the Bible is factual data than there is that a giant, omnipotent, undetectable bee in the center of the sun controls every atom with its infinite arms. Unless we’re just taking “someone wrote something down thousands of years ago and said it was the word of God, and it even itself says it’s the word of God” as “evidence”. In which case, I hereby declare that everything here at EtJ is the word of God, inspired by His divine hand, and that he guides every word in order to set mankind on the right path again.

    There – refute that. God and I are one, and my word is His. I came to bring the New New Covenant. To claim this is in any way incorrect is to undermine your entire argument about the Bible being “true because it is”.

    1. I get pissed off with this whole “atheism is a belief” thing. It’s not. Just because douche canoes like Sam Harris try to make a cult out of it, doesn’t mean that’s actually what the word means. Atheism is not a belief, it is an absence of one. It doesn’t involve actively believing “God doesn’t exist” it means not having the belief that he does. It’s strange that it is used as a label “I am an atheist”, when it means really nothing. You wouldn’t describe a person as being “unwinged” or “not made out of jam”. Atheism doesn’t involve any other belief, it is possible to be entirely irrational and not believe in God, to be entirely unaware of evolution or the scientific method (Christopher Marlowe, Walter Raleigh, Percy Shelley) and still just not believe in God. It’s a total twattery born of the U.S.’s insistence that people be of a faith that has lead said douche canoes like Dawkins, Hitchens and Harris to lump beliefs into what is essentially just an absence of one. Please don’t make that mistake.
      Dan- not made of jam, without wings, without God.

    2. I have to respectfully disagree with your claims about atheism. Simply put, Atheists don’t (or SHOULDN’T. Some of them do this, even though it’s not actually a tenant of atheism) claim with certainty that god doesn’t exist. We simply believe that he doesn’t, and there is an actual difference. It’s like the difference between declaring a person innocent and not guilty. Atheists don’t declare god “innocent” of existing, we declare him “not guilty” of existing.

  15. “Jesus came to bring the New Covenant and die for your sins.”

    I thought suicide was a sin. It’s a weird system you have where an omnipotent being has to kill himself to keep himself from having to torture people. Seems more like an insane, violent man committing suicide so he never abuses his children again.

    We’re supposed to worship this sick fuck?

    “yes folks, he destroyed Sodom too!”

    You should ask the folks that you derived your religion from. They don’t believe Sodom was destroyed for homosexuality. The text doesn’t support it, either.

    And I’m not even going to begin to address this pap about Jude and Paul. Learn some Greek or find a good side-by-side translation of the New Testament and take a look for yourself. Read up on Greek pederasty. Stop relying on inherently unreliable translations of inherently unreliable, non-original texts by inherently unreliable people who didn’t even know Jesus.

    Paul was as much an apostle of Jesus as I am — he never met the guy.

  16. “Also, the Bible is true“ – I got laughing when i’ve read this tautology. I mean, if you really want to convince people to belive in your distorted version of religion, try a less laughable argument.

    And, ofcourse, this fascist homophobia must be stopped at its tracks – NO PASARAN!

  17. Methinks Jack Chick is also buddies with Fred Phelps and his family and the freakin’ Westboro Baptist Church, judging from what it says in his homosexuality tracts.

  18. Quote:”YOur dare is on-Jesus says he and the Father were one. He said he was I AM. He, the Father and HS were there at creation. He was the silent member of the Trinity. Scripture slowly revealed God and his plan, inc Trinity.

    Since the God of the OT is the same as the NT and Christ is one w/Father and HS-yes folks, he destroyed Sodom too!”

    God said to stone an adulteress in the OT.
    So the aswer to the question “What Would Jesus Do?” is he would say “Stone her.”
    But……I could swear he said something else. Something about “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Basically, “DON’T stone her.”
    So what then? If God and Jesus are the same, then why the two opposite messages? Is Jesus supposed to be the second personality of a schizophrenic god? Throw in Satan and suddenly God is Sybil.

  19. The John Chance issue may be moot now. I checked his site out; first thing I saw was he was angrily criticizing a Biblical scholar for being… get this… a… PROTESTANT!!! (Oh my stars and garters!)

    I checked again, and his next blog post was a copied post condemning Jews for not agreeing with anti-Jewish comments. The post was copied wholesale from another source with a different name, and he added no annotations or comments to clarify what was going on.

    So I’m somewhat suspicious that he isn’t likely to use critcal thinking about his own firmly held beliefs.

  20. What’s the obsession with cute little kids spewing fundamentalist rubbish. No child can talk like that and have half a clue what she’s talking about. I used to, and I didn’t know a damn thing.

    It upsets me to think that, whereas I was brought up in a household where I was taught love, kindness and tolerance, there are kids from the Chick/Phelps clans who are growing up on a constant diet of hate and damnation.

    Won’t somebody please think of the children?!?

  21. I giggled the whole way through this, and I thank Bast daily that I got ,/.away from that crazy shit! My ex-fiancee used CHICK publications as “evidence” that he was right, and there’s a wold-wide conspiracy with the Catholic Church, and the Illuminati *snerk* was out to get him. Puh-leeze! What I don’t get is how Jack Chick ever got out of the asylum, he is obviously not well!

  22. Apparently when you are gay you have an 18 inch long “demon” cockroach crawling around on your clothes. What the &$#@ is that?

  23. Call me crazy…but I don’t see demons. Anywhere, anytime, near anyone. I think if I did, I’d be a little concerned.

    Or is it that only little kids can see them? And all little kids, not just Christian ones, because the kids in the tract could see them and they thought Jesus was a type of fish. So maybe everyone is born with the Sight, and loses it and all memory of it the moment the hit puberty.

  24. How is it possible for someone to think he’s Oh-so-Godly and still be this fucking STUPID about the teachings of his God? As a lesbian and a Christian, I really don’t think I’ve ever been this offended.

  25. I think it is interesting to note that the “homosexual” acts condemned in the Bible are not necessarily the same as the homosexual relationships we see today. In the ancient Mediterranean world and the ancient Near East, the forms of homosexual behavior that are known to have been widely practiced were pederasty, temple prostitution, and the humiliation of defeated kings and generals through anal rape. It is more likely that the Bible is condemning these behaviors rather than the kind of consensual and (usually)loving relationships we see today which seem to be much more recent phenomenon (An evolutionary development as a natural population control perhaps?).

    1. Nice idea but I don’t think the Bible is supporting the idea of loving, tender sex between consenting partners. For man to have sex with a man as he would a woman is wrong, apparently, but the way men have sex with women in the Bible is pretty fucked anyway. Sex is all about power in the Bible, except in the Song of Songs which apparently isn’t actually about sex (that’s one of the books not to be taken literally). In Sodom, though the sin is never actually named, the men folk want to rape the two angels. God rewards Lot despite his suggestion that the men might prefer his two virgin daughters to rape instead. These daughters later take turns to date rape Lot and conceive kids with him. Abraham has sex with his wife’s handmaiden, who doesn’t get a say in this at all, David has Uriah killed so he can steal his wife- who doesn’t have a choice either, Mary never gets asked if she wants God’s child, it’s just assumed she does. So for men to have sex with each other like they did with women would actually mean treating another man as a walking orifice with no right to object. You know, like they did to women.

  26. I think it’s totally inappropriate for a little girl to be saying such things.


    Because women are not supposed to teach men, it says so in the Bible. And Chick believes in every word of the Bible. NO cultural contexts allowed. Therefore, Lil’ Suzy is gonna BURN!


    j/k :-p

  27. 1: The title lied

    2: Wrong! God HATES homosexuality! Why??? Where does it say that?

    3: My wife Charles??? Gays don’t say that. Does Chick really think they are pussies or something?

  28. Am I the only one who’s reminded of those “evil child” movies like _Village of the Damned_ or _The Bad Seed_ when I see Li’l Susy’s eyes? Particularly in the panel where she’s talking about how Jesus said it would be like the time of Lot.

    “What’ll you give me for a basket of kisses, Li’l Susy?”

    “_I_ won’t give you anything…but _Jesus_ will give you a basket of hugs!”

  29. Earlier, Ms. Henn said they were dentists coming in to the classroom. Why did it suddenly turn into a discussion about poorly portrayed gay stereotypes. The guys didn’t have to say they were gay. They could have just said that they were both dentists who worked at the same office and were both called out give the presentation to children. Their personal lives did not matter at any point. They didn’t even tell the kids the proper way to floss or what happens if you don’t get a cavity removed.

    One of Chick’s problems with the Lil’ Susy storyline is that he portrays Ms. Henn as a monstrous Alan Greenspan, but i reality, she is just a teacher who is following school curriculum, like teaching evolution and celebrating Halloween. She does what she is instructed to do. It isn’t like the other teachers are having the children memorize the Bible word for word and the Lil’ Susy is in the wrong class.

    What a horrid attempt to scare people into a fascist religion

  30. Wouldn’t it be just great if Jesus popped up right in front of Chick and said “Hey there, babes, you wanna go hang out with me at the gay bar, I bought you these shoes that would go just darling with that shirt!” And wouldn’t it be great if Chick became an Atheist after that.
    Besides, it seems Chick completely forgot the part in the bible that says Love the sinner, not the sin. So what if they’re gay, they just have a difference in DNA then a straight person, and also, what about bisexuals? Are they now Half rapists? Do they have mood swings or something?

    I’m not even going to try and figure out Chick on this one.

  31. Okily Dokily;Well,I Got The Thankilyess Dankilyness Gee Gosh A Rooney Job Of Researching Jack the Chick Magnet’s WWII Service!!
    Well,Ol’Jackie the Jokeman Chicken Little(In The words of The Great Steve Earle song”Copperhead Road”)Joined The Army On His Birthday in 1943!!
    After Completing Basic Training,He shipped Out For the Pacific!!Upon Being assigned TDY at Long Beach,Ca.;He Went AWOL To go For A Swim in The Pacific Ocean;Where He Was Captured By A Nazi UBoat Under The command of Kurt Jurgens;
    Who Was Being Chased By A Destroyer Commanded By Robert Mitchum!!
    OOPS!!Sorry,I Was Watching”The Enemy Below”Earlier!!
    Damned Good War Movie Too!!Anyway,He Was Captured And Taken As A POW On A Nazi UBoat!!
    But somewhere Between California and Japan;Jack D.Ripper
    Got the Upper Hand On Those Nazzy’s and Their Nipponese Accomplices and After Eating His Spinach;He Gave The Fashists a Lickin’ but Kept On tickin’!!!
    He Singlehandledly Overpowered The crew and Sailed The Sub To Pearl Harbor Where Kate Winslet and Jennifer Garner Wanted To give Him Some”Sexual Healing”;But He Turned Them Both down Stating That”Uncle sam Wants His Fighting Men To Be Pure Hearted and Chaste Until The war Is Over!!”;
    So They Wound Up Giving BJ’s to Ben affleck and Josh Hartnett Instead!!
    FDR Offered To Give Him A Commission To General,But He turned It Down So He could Go Back home to springfield and Marry his sweetheart June!!
    However,June Married A Draft Dodger Named Ward Cleaver and Bore Unto Him Two Sons:Wallace and Theodore;Who Grew Up to Be Famous Rappers Wally and Da Beev!!
    Heartbroken;He Tried selling Secret Info to the Germans and Russkies;But They Turned Him down and Made Fun of his Name!!
    He Got A Room at The Heartbreak Hotel and Told His Parents They Could Find Him At The Home Of The Blues!!Then One Day,He found Jesus!!
    Turns Out It Was An Illegal Mexican Immigrant Named Jesus*(*Pronounced’Hay Soos’)Savior Who Tried To Join The US Army But Instead Got A Contract To Supply the Armed Forces With Burritos;Chimichangas and Flatuas!!!
    Jesus Offered Him A Piece of the Action And He Accepted!!
    He Made so Much Money That He Tried To Start His Own Fried Chicken Franchise Called”Jack The Chick’s”And It was so Successful That He Started Putting Little Tracts In Each Two Piece Dinner!!
    And as Paul Harvey Sez:”Now,You Know The rest of The Story!!”.
    PS:A Sad Footnote,Jack T.Chick died On The Toilet of His Graceland Estate in Memphis,Tennessee in August 1977!!

  32. Hey, why don’t -I- have an awesome little demon crawling all over me? Those things are adorable.

    And yeah, I’m always trying to make everyone I meet gay. They’re always like “NO JESUS HELP” but when all’s said and done they submit and we have crazy lesbian orgies. It’s great.

    Someome please tell me that this guy is not serious. D:

  33. “Hey, Jude 7. Don’t make it bad. Take a sad Psalm, and make it better.”

    great reference.

    im not gay but i still want one of those demons, they’re kyoot’

  34. I like to think that in the third panel, the “SMACK” sound effect was one of the kids being beaten up by “Mrs. Henn” or whatever her name is for saying some religious stuff, like “Allah is the best!” or “Zeus is the god of gods!!” or, my personal favorite, “Thank the Gods that there’s going to be a human sacrifice tonight!!!”

  35. Better still; read MY church’s webpage at If you like Jabberwock (one of our BEST Public Satanic Agents), you’ll f*cking DIE LAUGHING over OURS!
    NOTE, PLEASE, PEOPLE: Jack Thomas Chick, a.k.a. Pope Jack Thomas the First or St. Chick [or St. Jack the Tripper] IS the True False Prophet! He literally cannot TELL the truth, like a color-blind person cannot see colors: He has neither the mental capacity not the basic perception to be able to do otherwise. And, really, when you get down to it, my fiend and congregant, Terrible Tommy, is right: ALL Christianity/Cretianity really is nothing more than Roman-derived Mitraism, with a thin, thin, 16mm, shell of Judaism-varnish. Jack attempts to spin dusty, ragged cobwebs into suspension bridges.
    Don’t feel TOO bad, though, Jack: Howard the Dick (“Anton Szandor Lavey”) tried to pull the same sh*t—and not NEARLY as well as the TFP.
    Blessed Bea, Andy, Opie and Barney (but not Gomer, he was a homo)!

  36. Funny that the KJV includes the part about taking things out of “the book”.

    No offense to anyone who uses KJV, just to Jack and his literal, narrow interpretation of the Bible.

  37. wait, jabberwock, love, you live in NYC and you find these being handed out??? i freakin live in jersey city and every time im in the city, the fundies in times square never hand me fun stuff like this!!!! jesus h. tapdancing christ. this is outrageous shit.

  38. As part of an optional test protocol, we are pleased to present an amusing fact: The gay dentists in this comic are drawn in a way that is not necessarily ugly. Jack tried to do so by over-detailing them, but they come off as grandfatherly. Plus, notice that the little Dr. Mario demons are actually caricatures of the men in question.

    Thank you for participating in this Enrichment Center Activity.


  39. As part of another test protocol, we are pleased to present another amusing fact: Leviticus is contradicted by Exodus on the slave-owning issue. There is a passage somewhere in Exodus saying that he who steals a man or sells a man (there was one more thing, I forget what…it’s referenced somewhere in one of Chick’s tracts) deserves death. So, what was that about the Bible never lying and being consistent?

    Thank you for participating in this Enrichment Center Activity.


  40. At the very least, Jack can draw his villains consistently. Page 6, for instance. Did Larry suddenly do into the final stage of leukemia, then inflate into a one of the Three Tenors in the next panel?

  41. I just had a thought: if being gay is caused by demonic influence as they claim, then it’s more like a disease (like how the common cold is caused by the influence of viruses), and thus its not a choice, since these ‘demons’ forced you to become gay through possession. So either way, whether or not being gay is caused by demons or genetics, its not a sin, since sins are done deliberately. It would be like saying that having yellow fever is a sin, or that being Caucasian is a sin.

  42. Ya know, every time I see this particular tract brought up somewhere, I wonder if anyone else has ever noticed the gay couple’s names are Charles (which can be shortened to Chuck) and Larry. Wonder if that was intentional – when was this one made?

  43. Unfortunately, it couldn’t have been intentional on Chick’s part as this was written several years ago. I wonder, however, if the writers of the movie might have (consciously or not) named their protagonists after these characters….?

  44. If there’s any more of you straight folk out there that want one of the exclusive fag-demons for your very own, drop me a line, I’ll be happy to convert you…

    …of course, if you’re resistant to the conversion, then we’ll just have to continue with our plan to imprison every last one of you filthy breeders.

    If that doesn’t hasten your conversion process, I don’t know what will…


  45. As a homosexual, the part i found most insulting was how ugly he made them

    I mean come on! Thats the one thing we have going for us! No equal civil rights but…Hotness!

    Also Ms. Henn? Bitch please, that wig is dry as hell – sort that out.

    1. So right on the hotness! I don’t know why, but almost every gay man I’ve ever met or seen is unbelievably good-looking.

      I think Ms. Henn is dry as hell. It’s pretty obvious she hasn’t had sex of any kind, with any gender, in at least 40 years.

  46. One thing in the bible’s defence here- shrimp aren’t shellfish. They’re crustaceans. Sorry to be that guy, but you’re ok to eat bits of locusts, so I assume crustaceans are ok. When I say “bits of locusts” you’re not allowed to cut up and eat a whole one. But if you find a bit of one that’s been smashed by a cartwheel, fucking tuck in. Also you can’t eat weasels or ospreys. I’m fairly sure neither of those live in the desert anyway, but that’s what it says. This is not because it is from the King James Bible, and that was written in the seventeenth century in England and so used numerous examples of animals familiar to a British readership. It’s because God knew that one day someone in Snowdonia was going to look out of his window, see an osprey and think “There’s lovely. I’ll have that with a bit of toast, I think.” There’s no mention of kangaroo or koala meat in there, though, so I guess that’s ok.

  47. “Miss Teacher, are these men that are kissing each other in front of us and holding hands affectionately, are they… queer?”
    “…Yeah, Frankie… they are Queer.”
    “Oh. Because I thought it was really odd when the one guy called the other guy his wife… just wondering.”
    “Hey, Frankie, fuck you, you little passive-aggressive asshole. Oh, and nice haircut, Guile.”

  48. “And many translations of the Bible say “homosexual offenders” when depicting the citizens of Sodom. Like, you know, sex offenders. There’s a difference between a homosexual, and a homosexual sex offender. It’s the same as the difference between a heterosexual and a heterosexual sex offender.”

    Jesus! Thank you for making that point.
    It is the stupidest shit when some people say that all gays are pedophiles by nature that lust after little boys to corrupt and turn them at a young age into being gay. That logically means all straight men are also all closet pedophiles that want to corrupt little girls into either being submissive sex tools when they grow up, or complete loose sluts.

  49. What are you talking about? I remember many teachers bringing gay guys infested with little adorable demons to talk about their personal business.

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