Chick Dissection | Something In Common?

Mr. Chick has outdone himself with this new tract. It is, like most of his tracts, about how we’re all going to burn in hell.

This is a guest dissection by M. “Djur” Boeh, Knight of Malta and royal consort to Queen Elizabeth I of England. For more lies, visit the Desperance Network.

01

We’re all made of meat!

02

“OH GOD HOMPH HOMPH YUM CHICKEN HOMPH POTATOES HOMPH PRICKS”

Here we see Jack Chick’s dark view of the world. We have a shameful glutton; a woman being driven slowly insane by her loutish, bloated husband’s snoring; and a dog being forced to sleep out in the rain. It’s a terrible world, isn’t it, Jack? A WORLD WHERE MEN LICK DICK?

03

Looks like someone has tertiary pneumonia. Jack should have made this the chick from “That Crazy Guy!” It’d be like an inside joke for the hardcore fundies and Chick-mockers.

Another example of the hideous, painful world Jack lives in. OH GOD ETHEL I WISH MY WANG STILL WORKED HURRRRRRRK DEAD

04

Your parents aren’t ugly, hairy monkeys, kids. They’re a couple of white people in animal hides with neatly coiffed hair.

What is this shit? Were there razors in the Garden of Eden? Beyond that, why are they clothed? It’s common knowledge straight from the Bible that Adam and Eve didn’t wear clothes until they ate the Fruit of Knowledge and realized they were a couple of shameless exhibitionists. In this case, why is the snake still in temptation mode, and why’s the First Couple so damned happy-looking? Shouldn’t they be ashamed and cowering from God?

The real answer, of course, is that Biblical accuracy must stand aside for modern prudishness regarding the instruments of Satan we have dangling off our body.

05

HUAUGUUAUGUAUUGUALBRP BLUB. This is a truly great panel. Look at the white man drowning.

8 people? Is Jack-boy forgetting that the early Hebrews were polygamous? The Noah clan would be sure to have many wives — especially helpful when you’re facing the task of repopulating the world without engaging in too much incest.

Why is Noah’s wife dressed like a German hausfrau?

06

This is incredible. From left, we have such luminaries as the Ayatollah Khomeini, a Mexican thug, the Pope, a damned Chinawoman, a burka-clad Muslim, a suspicious woman of high society, Ozzie bin Ladin, some kind of black intellectual, the Buddha, a sinister sheikh, Chairman Mao, the chick from “It’s Coming”, a Buddhist Monk, and, of course, an Ottoman Turk. Considering that Chick thinks most of these people are filthy heretics or worse, it amuses me that he threw in a token black man.

BONUS SUPER EXTREME EDIT: Mr. Alec Kyras informs me that the black man appears to be Lawrence Fishburne, known for his role as “Morpheus” in the smash hit action movie The Matrix.

How did we come in a variety of colors if Adam and Eve were white as snow? Dark skin is dominant. White people don’t have the requisite genes to have black kids.

07

Apparently some of us are also huge pricks. Why is everyone featured in a Chick tract so ugly?

HEY! IT’S J. JONAH JAMESON! TALKING TO PETER PARKER?? I think Chick had just watched Spider-Man 2 when he drew this strip.

08

Why is a baby included in the smorgasbord of sinners? Is Chick a primitive Catholic suddenly?

As usual, Chick’s depiction of a Biblical event directly contradicts the actual text of Holy Writ. God was pretty clearly in human form and had to call out for Adam and Eve, who were hiding. Nothing about a big white man’s hand taking Adam by surprise. In addition, Adam and Eve covered themselves with fig leaves, not with animal skins. Some Biblical literalism, Jack.

Of course, this is because Chick and his fellow fundies don’t actually believe in the Bible. They believe in the particular religious tradition they were raised in, like most people. That tradition has little to do with the actual
text of the Bible.

09

HOMPH HOMPH HOMPH OH GOD YES

Adam looks a lot different in this panel. At least he’s naked here.

I didn’t think fundies believed in inheritance of original sin. That’s Catholic doctrine. EVIL SATANIC CATHOLIC DOCTRINE SIR.

Sinners don’t go to heaven. Well, prickhead Mr. God, you’re the one who made people sin in the first place. What a dickweed. I guess this is kind of like the whole self-sacrificing thing, but I’ll get to that later.

10

All together now:

o/~ HIIIIIIGH-way to Hell! o/~

I’m expecting to read “Burma Shave” here somewhere. Also, I like how Jack Chick is using “hip” and “radical” casual language and slang to pick up those young people with their hip-hop and low-rise jeans and Satanic rock music like Creed.

11

Ah, and here we have the classic disturbing triune god issue. You know, the concept of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit actually originated some centuries after the birth of Christ, in the Catholic church — after the “real Christians” Jack believes in went into hiding.

Clouds in space. Awesome.

And, again, we have a Semitic woman depicted as lily-white.

12

The Holy Spirit came upon Mary? Not to beat a dead horse, but since when do external ejaculations impregnate women?

Fun fact: the world’s two biggest religions feature conceptions without the aid of a human male. Christianity has the Holy Money Shot, and Buddhism has a weird legend about a dream of a white elephant fucking Gautama’s mother with his trunk. I suspect this is due to remnants of matriarchal theology.

13

Yet again, we have a bunch of white semitic Jews. Oh, and a very distilled summation of J-Man’s many teachings. Also, Santa Jew.

14

Nice piece of fundie theology here. See, if you look at the wording, Jesus didn’t attack the Pharisees because they were perverting Judaism — he attacked them so they would have him killed. Kind of an early version of
“suicide by cop.”

Note the standard Chick strategy of depicting the bad guys as wretched trolls. In this case, he has a lovely “big-nosed kike” caricature going. So much for Loving the Jews.

I still don’t get this self-sacrifice thing. Why did God have to make humans kill his avatar so he’d let them into heaven? Why couldn’t he just let them in himself? It’s not like God actually died; his dopey vessel did.

It’s like I was mad at you, but then I cut myself and decided that was enough for you to be forgiven. Utterly ludicrous.

BONUS NOTE: Who the hell is the Pharisee on the right talking to? The other Pharisee? His phalanx of armed guards? HIS BUNNY NAMED HARVEY ??

15

That is some nasty shit, Jack. Look at that. Jesus is ripped in more ways than one — check out those fuckin’ delts, man. ROCK HARD.

16

Doubting Thomas there has some fucking huge ears.

Heaven has many mansions. I bet Heaven is really just Rhode Island.

17

Again, the tendency to make non-Christians incredibly repulsive. Also, the refrain of “individuality and self-reliance are tools of Satan.”

This is something I’ve talked about on many other occasions. Either God doesn’t really care about the people who are going to Hell, or he’s just an incompetent. You’d think he’d have predicted that his avatar wouldn’t be enough to save the vast majority of humans on Earth. You’d also think that he would have made sure Jesus said “oh, and the Catholic Church is totally going to pervert my teachings and send you all to hell.”

What a fuck-up.

18

This here is the best panel since the famous “fighting the Zombie” remark from “Dark Dungeons.” Right off, anyone who calls God “Allah” is going straight to hell, even though the Arabic word for ‘god’ is, well, ‘allah’.

“I’m a Buddhist and YOU don’t exist.” Jack Chick is so blissfully ignorant of other religions that he’s managed to confuse Buddhism with solipsism. This has become an instant classic line.

“(Fuck|Shit|Damn|Hell)! There’s nothing wrong with adultery or lying!” Who says this? Seriously. Even people who believe there’s nothing wrong with adultery or lying don’t go around saying it amidst profane ejaculations.

“We’re all GODS!” I think it’d have been really awesome if he’d thrown “‘Do as thou wilt’ shall be the whole of the law” in there somewhere.

“We’ve shacked up for years…” You know, living with one’s partner doesn’t necessarily include sex, whether or not you’re married. In any case, it’s a fucking hilarious line. Say it aloud a few times. Say it in kind of a sultry
drunk hillbilly voice. Say it like Eartha Kitt. You know you want to.

“I LOVE being nasty…” What the hell is this supposed to mean, anyway? It sounds like something a cheap whore would murmur to you before asking for a minute to snort a few lines on the toilet seat. Feel free to repeat this line in the aforementioned voices. It’s great.

“I love my sin… HUAURUAUGUAUTLGPPTH OH GOD DEUCE NO”

19

Another “we are the world that jacks your car” scene. You can see an Azn punk in the lower left corner, an extremely wrinkled old bat in the middle, some kind of half-black half-Hindu type behind her, and a fucking COWBOY in the right.

Why does God need to know that you’ve sinned? Doesn’t he know everything? Haven’t we all sinned anyway? Reference the previous remark about Him being a total idiot.

OH GOD BE MY MASTER !! I’M A SLUTTY LITTLE TART AND I’VE BEEN REAL BAD !! OH DEAR LORD NOT THE WHIP AGAIN !! NOT MY ASS

20

“That’s too damn easy. Shouldn’t I have to meditate on a big black dildo or something like that?”

“Um… yeah, actually, you do. And you have to let me take pictures. For, um… my church group.”

21

Cletus the Slack-Jawed Evangelist. Try saying his line in a hick voice. “Thiys ays duh mowst em-POR-tahnt de-SHIZ-un in yer un-TIRE LIYFE-uh.”

And the sinner appears to be striking some sort of kung-fu pose.

I have no comment on the second panel. It speaks for itself.

22

YOU FUCKING RETARD, YOU REJECTED JESUS. GAME OVER.

LUCKILY, YOU HAVE TWO CONTINUES LEFT. RESPAWN [Y/n]?

This is great. See, if it was as direct and easy as checking a box reading ‘Heaven’ or a box reading ‘Hell’, everyone would choose to go to Heaven. But nooo, God has to speak through an ancient Jewish rabbi and a bunch of wild-eyed freaks.

REPENT

Hey, look. If you buy Chick’s book, you get to become a totally decked-out Crusader with a big sword and everything.

Being a Christian ROCKS!

36 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | Something In Common?”

  1. Dear God,

    I’m sorry for being a dirty whore and worshiping Satan and also for compulsively stealing rubber gloves and alcohol pads when I go to see my doctor.

  2. When Jesus comes back to life:

    “It’s never happened before!”

    But it totally did. With Lazarus. Seriously Chick, read the Goddamn Bible.

    Also, the high society lady appears to be Queen Elizabeth II.

  3. There is no God axcept Allah. and Allah has no son. He is one any only . he has created this world. he sent his messengers to guide people, but he has no wife,mother,daughter, father or a son. These cannot be a connected with God. may Allaha help all of us. do get information about islam. it can change you. bye

  4. I believe in the message of salvation. I do agree that the people in this booklet are hysterically ugly! Oh well, I also beleive that God does have a sense of humor, He’d have to, with letting the likes of Jack Chick run around.

  5. Im not religious at all (and not even more athiest after reading chick’s work), so maybe im wrong about this…
    the tract says that all you have to do to get into heaven is to repent your sins and accept jesus as your savior or something along those lines… so couldn’t you leave a sinful life and just before you die pray to god and repent your sins??? That’s what chick implies…

  6. sorry about the typo in the previous comment… it should read
    “Im not religious at all (and even more of an athiest after reading chick’s work)”

    sorry

  7. What I learned:

    1. Adam lived in Bedrock and wore Fred Flintstone clothes.

    2. The paths to Heaven and Hell are big penis shaped arrows.

    3. The path to Heaven is an ERECT penis.

    4. You WILL bow down to Jesus and his erect penis!

    Jesus, be my Master and take me to Heaven *stroke, stroke* Ooooh, ooooo, oooooooh, thank you Jesus.

  8. VoiceofReason: That is pretty much exactly what Chick (and many other fundies, not to mention some of the more mainstream denominations) preaches. If you’re a psychopathic mass-murdering pedophile drug dealer pimp, and you use your last breath to repent, you go to heaven. If you live a perfect life, never break a single law of man or god, but don’t acknowledge Jesus, you burn.

    But for some reason that’s not quite the way they phrase it…

  9. “…and Buddhism has a weird legend about a dream of a white elephant fucking Guatama’s mother with his trunk.”

    This might be too late as this dissection came out for a while, but as a Buddhist I feel the need to correct this. The Buddha was born from a normal conception. His mother is married and got pragnant normally. The elephant dream (I’m not quite sure what the elephant did, but definitely not fucking her) is just a sign that a great man will be born.

    Actually this isn’t such an important part in the scripture. I just don’t want you guy to be confused.

  10. Isn’t that Chick’s antisemitism peeking from behind his “I love jews” veil in that panel with the Jewish priests not liking Jesus? Their noses seem a bit… long…

  11. Chuck Norris would make an awesome Jesus in the film adaptation.

    Seriously though, these dissections make my workdays go by much faster. Keep it up, jabberwock.

  12. FYI, I think the guy in the funny hat above the Buddhist monk and the lady from “It’s Coming” is a follower of Confucius, or Confucius himself. I could be wrong.

  13. Yeah! We ride for Rohan!

    BTW I think the suspicious rich woman is meant to be the Queen. And, if you look in the ‘Why do we do bad things?’ panel, the guy in the bottom right of the sinner group looks like a retarded version of Prince Charles. They guy above him looks like fat Eminem.

    In the ‘All of Our Emotions are Alike’ panel, why the fuck did that guy smash a mirror? I’m angry, I’ll smash a random pane of glass on my wall!

    Chick is a cunt.

  14. “Also, Santa Jew.”–if you keep up shit like this, my head might just explode from laughter.

    “I still don’t get this self-sacrifice thing. Why did God have to make humans kill his avatar so he’d let them into heaven? Why couldn’t he just let them in himself? It’s not like God actually died; his dopey vessel did.”
    I wrote a blog on just this subject that you may find interesting. http://atlasbergeron.wordpress.com/2007/07/08/omnicience-is-not-omniexperience/

  15. You know that book, “The Next Step”, advertised at the end of the tract? I had the unfortunate experience of taking a look at it, and I think it has sufficient mileage for at least 2 or 3 parodies, if not more.

  16. ‘Everybody who followed Jesus from then on…got off that highway to hell.’

    Nice, Jack. Very subtle. What I want to know is, if rock music is so eeeeevil, what were YOU doing listening to it in order to pick that line up?

    Anyway. I’ve been reading these dissections for a while now, and I thought it was about time I said something. As a Christian, I have to say thank God that there are sane people out there. I discovered Chick’s tracts etc through another site some time ago, and actually agreed with some of them, until one came out shortly after the 7/7 bombings in London in which a terrorist attack on the city was used as the startpoint for the tract. That’s not a fantastic explanation, I know, but I found it the most tasteless, tactless thing to do and it made me realise what complete rubbish this man talks.
    From an artist’s viewpoint, I have to wonder where he gets off on thinking this is talent. Hello? Perspective? Where did it go; did it run off into the Blue with Proportion?
    I’m feeling inspired: I might have a go at a dissection of my own sometime…

  17. Page 4, Panel 1- OH NO TEH ZOMBIE RIZES FROM TEH DEAD!

    Page 8, Panel 1- So I’ve read some stuff saying that the “fruit of the tree” may have not necessarily been an apple. Still, that doesn’t excuse the fact that CORN IS NOT A FRUIT! And it DOESN’T GROW ON TREES! *takes a closer look* Or is that some sort of corn/pear hybrid?

  18. I’m Wicca (solitary practitioner by default) and even I don’t believe in a straight-up god. I subscribe to the Wiccan theory that we worship the universe THROUGH the personifications of the God and Goddess (though, personally, I DO think magick works…I can’t really prove it scientifically or logically, but every time I’ve tried an incantation, it always ends up working out exactly as I asked, and usually with a fast delivery rate. Granted, I don’t try often, and I usually try stuff that’s doesn’t have a whole lot of effect on my future but would be sort of a nice little boon.), so, technically, I don’t worship a god. Chick, of course, can’t fathom the idea that one doesn’t have a god of some sort.

  19. Am I the only one who thinks Jesus there looks like a stack of pancakes with a severed head on top?

    Jesus Cakes! Now available at IHOP!

  20. Dear lord, Jack Chick is all sorts of fucked up.

    This sort of thinking is why I subscribe to the morals of Norse Mythology

  21. Actually, it IS possible to get pregnant from an external ejaculation. It’s really unlikely, but there have been documented cases of “virgin” births. When semen meets labia, all bets are off!

  22. “And, again, we have a Semitic woman depicted as lily-white.”

    Also, she has a brightly glowing head, which I guess is a side effect of being impregnated with God’s holy radioactive semen.

    Hey, is this the first appearance of Fang? That’s the only cool character that Chick ever created. He should get his own comic, except not drawn or lettered by Chick.

    “It’s never happened before!” I guess this person wasn’t around when Jesus made Lazarus come back to life, and that little girl in Matthew 9. Also, Elisha raised a woman’s dead son back to life in 2 Kings 4, and ALL Jews would have known this story. This is proof positive that Jack has never read the Bible, but gets all of his information from memories of Vacation Bible School.

  23. I have this feeling that Chick thinks the readers of his tracts are dumb. Is it really necessary to put an arrow pointing to the earth from the space cloud? I mean I’m pretty sure we get that he’s saying Jesus went down to earth from heaven.

  24. And then it hits you: You gotta pay your OWN way, Jack. Little late in the game to buy out now.

    Seriously, I guess this comment thread died off a few years ago, but Since the Great Man has returned to the dust from whence he hath been formed, I think now I’m really going to miss Jack T. Chick…

    …God’s Special Little Creature.

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