I’ll start with this:

Our second great responsibility to our children and grandchildren is to honor and to pass along the values that sustain a free society. So many of my generation, after a long journey, have come home to family and faith and are determined to bring up responsible, moral children. Government is not the source of these values, but government should never undermine them.

Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be redefined by activist judges. For the good of families, children and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage. (Cheers, applause.)

Protection from what? Zee Germans?

I’m so fucking sick of the notion that religion begets morality. It’s like saying that reading “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” makes me a witty British space traveler, or that reading “Mein Kampf” makes me Hitler.

And who said that marriage is the foundation of society? What about our staggering divorce rate? Does the success of society have the same approximately 50% success rate?

A good chunk of his speech was contradictory. Even inebriated, I was able to tell. (I played the drinking game, sort of. More accurately put, I played by only one rule: “if the State of the Union is on, drink”.) I’m not sure how the Fifty-One Percenters don’t catch these kinds of things while sober. Not to be elitist or anything, but I’m fairly certain that what that implies about their intelligence isn’t in any way flattering.

And even if his statements weren’t contradictory in and of themselves, certain phrases were obvious lies that were just plain contradictory to everything for which he and the other neoconservatives REALLY stand. Like, for instance, when talking about embryonic stem-cell research: “I will work with Congress to ensure [...] that human life is never bought or sold as a commodity.”

So… free hospitals, then? I mean, you can’t say you’re going to make sure that human life is never bought or sold as a commodity without including categories of “human life” other than embryonic stem-cells. How many people die each year, or struggle through exacerbated medical conditions, because they can’t afford health care?

This is proof, by the way, that he’s not pro-life, but pro-birth. The only life he really comes close to giving the remotest shit about, other than his own, is only arguably human life at all. If you’re not inside of a womb, you can just fuck off.

Oh, he’ll fight for you until you pop out, but from that point on, it’s tough love, baby. “Oh BOO HOO HOO your mommy can’t afford baby formula so you’ve been living off of Kool-Aid? TOUGH SHIT. Welfare is for PUSSIES. If the government gives you money, you’ll have no incentive to go out and EARN that baby formula, kid. Oh, could you hold a sec? I have to cut this multi-million-dollar tax return check for Paris Hilton. It’s a good thing she can afford good hospitalization because whatever crack-addled, underdeveloped baby she manages to pop out is sure going to need it.

“Have I mentioned, by the way, that she’s one of the most productive members of society? CAN YOU BELIEVE I ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS KIND OF SHIT, KID? What’s that? Your mom works three jobs, only sleeps four hours a night and still can’t make ends meet? HEY! Paris’ family OWNS a HOTEL CHAIN. What’s that? How does she, personally, contribute to society? Well, uh, she, uh… she stands around being a total ditz on television, which, uh… makes… uh… PROFITS! Yes, she generates profits from all the commercials that run during her television show. Also, she’s a slutbag. That counts for something, right?

“Anyway, kid, I’m busy. I don’t have time to listen to your petty little whining. Don’t like your situation? Work for a better one. What’s that? You’re not even two years old yet? Well, fuck, I’m sure someone could teach you how to stitch some shoes. Some of those Asian kids already have a six-month head start on you– better hurry! Your current struggling should only motivate you more. But for now, I have to find my scissors. I’m doing some work on Social Security and the Constitution today. But tell you what– crawl back up into your mother’s womb and maybe I’ll give a shit, and then we’ll talk.”

Tackiest Fucking Things Ever (a top two list):

1. The Purple Hearts on Band-Aids thing from the Republican National Convention.

2. The fucking Iraqi-vote-ink-finger thing for douchebag congressmen at the State of the Union Address who don’t even have as much courage as can be found in the foreskin or fingernail of a REAL Iraqi voter.