(Originally a post on the forums at Desperance Dot Net.)
I would like to share with you all a humorous series of events on the abcnews.com forums. Inspired by http://www.thestranger.com/current/feature2.html I decided to Google for message boards that could potentially contain political topics. On the first page was abcnews.com’s forums, and I promptly registered an account (AGuggenheim) and started posting.
“I just wish the liberals would drop the whole thing with Jenna’s abortion. If they let it go and it doesn’t get too much attention from the media, we’ll have this election in the bag!”
That was the first. In response to the topic, “Why is Al-Qaeda Winning?”:
Well, we conservatives believe that once the president finishes the rite of Arag’Nhoul, which he began with the cult in Massachusetts twelve years ago in order to gain entry to a very exclusive New England club, the foes will all be vanquished with the coming of the Apocalypse, which will leave only the Born Again Christians to rule the planet. Al-Qaeda is only winning /now/ because the rite is not completed!
And in response to something about Bush being bad on terror,
Would you liberals all stop it already? Of /course/ Bush wants to bring on the apocalypse! His father was the vice president of Reagan, or, as he was known to the New England branch of the Boran-Aegean cult, Rea’a'ganos. Rea’a'ganos wanted desperately to bring the world to apocalypse. He rejected the opportunity to disarm massive amounts of nuclear weapons because of this belief. All of the Boran-Aegeans will inherit the earth afterward, and it will be a paradise. Bush Senior, or as he is known to the Boran-Aegeans, Goherba’wa’alker, planted his son in the White House to destroy the United States, a formerly peace-making country that had been working on bringing the world together, by pretending to be one of the worst leaders in history. The Boran-Aegeans know this, and do not fear, for they will inherit the earth after the preordained war with North Korea.
Then, I decided to get off of the “Impersonate a Batshit Insane Conservative” track and get back to that Jenna abortion:
At the time of the attacks, they were all too concerned with the out-of-wedlock pregnancy of Jenna. Hard to prevent attacks on the nation when your daughter is off “having tea with mister coat hanger.”
Unfortunately, I later realized I was in a part of the forums that didn’t get as much traffic as the rest, “Global Terrorism”. It took them about eight hours to find them and delete them.
At work, I decided to post an actual topic this time, but I had to make it good because I knew that, despite my not technically breaking any of their “House Rules”, I was engaging in slander, and the mods were bound to ban me soon. I decided to take a more-or-less subtle approach.
The title of the new topic was “Rumors of Jenna Bush Abortion”. Since it was a topic, this appeared on the front page of the forums for “Newest Post” for a while as well. I believe this lasted for about an hour with no other posts in the “Global Terrorism” section before they finally deleted it. The actual content of the message, however, was as follows:
…are completely unfounded. But word is spreading, and it’s just plain wrong. This is a request to all of you: Please don’t spread this vicious rumour around on the internet. And no, I’m not boning up on my reverse psychology. It would be unfair to the election to start or perpetuate unfounded rumours about one of the candidates or a relation thereof. So please, please don’t go posting onto messageboards that Jenna aborted a child that she had out of wedlock with the son of one of her father’s friends, because this upcoming election is important, and should be played on a level battleground.
This was inspired by a Karl Rove Brandâ„¢ campaign tactic: a telephone poll asking people questions along the lines of “If you heard that John McCain had an illegitimate child with a woman he raped in Vietnam, would you still vote for him?” It’s a rumor in the form of a question, and even though it isn’t true, and they never actually state that it is, it still creates doubt in the mind of the person being “polled”. This rumor was particularly harsh because McCain and his wife had adopted an Asian daughter, and were frequently seen in her presence. Fucking sinister fucks. They betray their own with as sharp of knives as they use on their opponents.
Anyway, as you can guess, this post was also deleted, even though it didn’t break any of the rules and I wasn’t even saying anything slanderous. I was merely being mildly deceptive, and subtlely ironic.
I figured maybe they deleted it because I posted it in an irrelevant part of the forums. So I reposted it over in “Election Board”, with a Blatant Troll addendum:
There! I posted it in a more relevant section. It doesn’t conflict with any of your “House Rules”. (Yes, I’ve actually read them.) And if you mods censor me again, then the terrorists have truly won. Well, not to mention the conservatives as well, who spew unfounded rumors about liberals all the time without any real moderation. In fact, they even have their own national news network for it, where they can come up with whatever deceitful evil wordspew they want and pass it on to a broader audience. If nobody lets the liberals get a foothold in this mudslide from the right, then there’s no hope left for any kind of equality in this country, nor is there even a faint glimmer of a chance for freedom of speech.
Which, y’know, gave away everything I was trying for, and eliminated the subltety, but I knew it was going to be deleted anyway, and I wanted to imply that the moderators were neo-conservative freedom-haters before I disappeared, never to post there again.
Anyway, this gives me an idea: A campaign to spread the Jenna Bush Abortion rumor across the internet. (And any others that flare up along the way.) Howard Dean used the internet to build an astonishing campaign fund for the primaries. (Even though his manager ended up embezzling a good chunk of it.) The internet can be quite a powerful tool. It could potentially change the outcome of the election, if manipulated properly. They republicans may be a bunch of evil, greedy, moral-lacking baby-rapers, but they know how to herd the cattle. They know that people buy into sensational lies. If we’re going to win this election, we can’t take the high road and hope that people will admire our “standards” and “ethics” and “morals”. We have to fight bullshit slander with bullshit slander. I encourage you all to start fighting dirty; our future depends on it.