We have a special guest doing a Dissection this update. Her name’s Mia, and if you find her to be amusing, you can visit her LiveJournal.
This week’s Chick Dissection has to do with homosexuality. Because of the fact that Jack is a total moron who has no idea what he’s talking about, this entire thing is completely ridiculous.
Wherever I felt compelled, I added my own little quips and things. (“Editor’s commentary”, of course.)
Boy, that Jack Chick sure loves his gay-hatin’.
Fun fact: All fags love purple and either radioactive decay or measurement of wavelength!
Well, it seems that Chick is tackling weddings. Fair enough, I mean I’m sure Jesus was opposed to HOLY MOSES! THEY’re…oh my lord…THEY’RE BOTH MALE! Mabel, get the smelling salts because I’m about to pass out! MALE? That’s unspeakable! UNSPEAKABLE!
* Editor’s commentary: Father “Leper Elvis” likes to poke balding homos’ eyebrows!
(panel 1) And so the terminally depressed gay men get into their car while Mr. Kotter showers them in rice and Charles Bronson thinks wistfully about how darling they are. I’m assuming Mr. Bronson is thinking about his own upcoming gay wedding, or maybe he just loves the apparently leather suits of the gay men. I’m not sure, but MAN, is THAT an unhappy couple! Hey people, you’re GAY! Start acting like it, damnit.
(panel two) NOT NEW? You mean GAYS are getting married? But aren’t same sex unions illegal in all but two states? I mean, even in a symbolic ceremony, it would most likely not happen in a church, but outdoors or such. Unless it’s a really neat church that allows gays to marry and offers candy to people. The Gay Candy Church. That would rule.
(panel 1) SPECIAL NOTE TO JACK CHICK: When writing about homosexuals, please attempt to meet one for reference instead of just randomly throwing body hair at a sketchpad and assuming it will come out as the prototype for all gay men. Because, let’s face it Mr. Chick, those look more like crazy circus folks than any homosexual male I have ever met. I also love how they’re both staring straight (PARDON THE PUN LOL) at the reader. As if by looking at us with their uber-fruity eyes they’ll terrorize us in our dreams. Instead, they just look sort of friendly.
And lady, next time you swallow hard, do it out loud instead of just thinking it. Because last time I sneezed and it appeared in a thought bubble, it blew out my ears and I was in the hospital for five days. Also, crushing your childs head isn’t the best way to protect him from the sweet, swishy men walking about. I just think it will make your son bleed. But he’ll be bleeding for Jesus.
(panel 2) Can I just say that I grew up around gays and lesbians my entire life, and I have yet to meet a gay militant. I have met angry gays, short gays, large gays, gays who climb on rocks, tough gays, and even gays with chicken pox. But no militant gays. Although I once knew a gay in the military. I don’t know if that counts.
What the hell are those? Gays? Hippies? The International Boggle Players league? Whatever they are, they sure are angry. I wondered what crawled up their
ASS OMG ANAL SEX JOKE THERE
I also love Mr. Chick’s narrative style. The gays emerge from the Shadowy, satanic underworld. They come forth, living tragic lives because of the fact that they..um..I can’t figure out why their lives are tragic. By the looks of it, they’re just angry all the time. Or maybe constipated, which would be tragic if it was chronic.
(panel 1) By using quotation marks around the word gay, I have been shown that there is nothing “gay” about being “gay”. And not only that, but these “Gay” people are all over “sitcoms” and “talk shows.” I “bet” they are even “on” the “radio” “station”. Fags.
SIDE NOTE: the girl on the right side of the panel is extremely hot. If you’re trying to lure me away from the devious world of homosexuality, it isn’t working.
(panel 2) Oh, christ! They’re talking! They’re being invited to speak places! What’s next, being invited to the office christmas party? Or the next box social? This has got to stop! And not only are they being invited, they’re stating that homosexuals shouldn’t have their intestines ripped out, and other sorts of “special” treatment. Damn them! DAMN THEM ALL!
(panel 1) You mean the guy behind the counter at McDonalds could be gay? What about the girl at the library? And the person driving the bus? ALL GAY? Good lord, next you’ll be telling me that there are homosexuals who work in interior decorating and in the WNBA.
(panel 2) Look at them all! Standing there, staring with their beady homosexual eyes. This “gay” is affecting a cross-section of American life, by the looks of it. From the CIA agents to the People’s Choice Awards host, it seems to be taking this countries white people by storm (don’t worry, it appears that you wacky “ethnics” can’t catch the gay)
* Editor’s commentary: What the hell profession is this supposed to represent? “I get paid eight bucks an hour to frolic underneath a GIANT FLAG!”
What I don’t understand about this panel is that it makes no references to the practices of Sodom, just to Caananites. I know that there is a connection, but I have no knowledge of it. I did go to Catholic school and studied that..ohwhatisitcalled..um..I know it starts with a B…BIBLE! Yes, that’s it. Of course, it was the EVIL GOING TO HELL NOW DEATH NIV, not the SUPER COOL GIVING YOU BLOWJOBS JUST BY READING IT KJV. Man, I’m Catholic AND bisexual. All I need now is to play some Dungeons and Dragons and before you know it Jack Chick will be coming to my house with a truckload of tracts being fired out of a cannon. That would be cool. I only get visited by the next door neighbor’s kids, and all they do is run around the house screeching like monkeys. And I like monkeys and all, but you know..sometimes I don’t want them in the house. Especially when they’re just filthy fifth grade boys without shirts on. I have no idea how I got to shirtless boys from Jack Chick tracts. THAT IS THE BEAUTY THAT IS ME. And also, if these archeologists are so disgusted that they are vomiting by what they have discovered and claiming “BY GOLLY GUM WE CAN NEVER PUBLISH THIS EVER KTHX,” how did Mr. Chick get word of it? Magic Jesus Powers?
* Editor’s commentary: Of COURSE it’s filthy. It’s a wall in a fucking cave, you douches.
So off we go to Sodom, to see what the deal is with all these Gay people and possibly airline food. Apparently a city based on an overhead view of a common Wolfenstein 3d map (but without any Nazis, damnit! I want to see Jesus fight the Nazis in a battle to the death!) is filled with SO much sin that God wants to destroy every single solitary person in it. Abraham says, “Um, I’m all for the mass destruction of people, but you know..my nephew lives there and all. Could you, you know, spare his life? I know you’re all with the infinite kindness and all, so if you could not horribly disembowel him, that would be really wicked. Just asking, you know. But killing everyone else? Super cool. Do that, ok? Especially Johnson. That guy is SUCH an asshole.” Also, Mr. Chick: Everybody fucking knows that the term Sodomy comes from Sodom. Thank you for informing Jim Jinkins in Shithole, Tennesee with that fun factoid!
* Editor’s commentary: No wonder they were all wicked, they lived in a giant hedge maze. I’d be pissed off, too.
So who does God send to rescue this man from a city of wacky oversexed homosexuals apparently living in lego houses? MALE ANGELS. Fuck. Listen, God. I know we’ve all made some blunders in our life. I mean, remember when you and Buddha got totally toasted and made the duck billed platypus just to scare the fuck out of Ganesh? That was hilarious, but then Izanagi accidently dropped it and it landed on Earth? Yeah. But listen, when rescuing someone from male homosexuals, DO NOT SEND HOT SEXY MEN. Send women. Ugly women, perhaps, just so they won’t get tempted. Or why not some sort of goat wearing a silly hat? Yeah, good going, God.
* Editor’s commentary: Yeah, I think this accurately represents the contradiction to the “god is all-powerful” claim. Why not just fucking teleport him out? Hmph. All-powerful my ass. I could “send a couple of people into a city to get a guy”.
(panel 1) What to you do when angels come to rescue from crazy homobuttsextown? COME ON OVER TO MY HOUSE! WE CAN TOTALLY FUCKING TARRY ALL NIGHT, DUDE! I’VE GOT SOME CORONAS AND A COPY OF FLETCH ON DVD IT WILL BE TOTALLY AWESOME! Lot, you are a genius. I’ve never been invited to tarry all night, and damn it sounds fun. I suppose my horrible body odor makes the potential tarry-inviters run in fear. If only I could rescue someone from GAYSEXLAND, then I’d get in on the tarry action.
(panel 2) You ungrateful angel bastards. You’re given a chance to TARRY DOWN and kick it with LOT away from the crazy buttsex homos, but OH NO IT’S OK WE’LL JUST SLEEP ON THE GROUND OR SORT OF WANDER AROUND ALL NIGHT. See Lot? This is how much your stupid God cares for you. He sends the two angels that can’t even spell their name right on the SAT to come down to save you from GAPINGASSHOLEVILLE. Of course, this sort of revelation made Lot’s “DANGER SENSE” spark up and shoot sunbeams out of his skull.
(panel 1) DING DONG MESSAGE TO MR. CHICK: I DON’T THINK THEY WOULD HAVE EATEN ROAST HAM. Just a guess. Also, when you move to your next town, please invest in shades or perhaps a goat skin to put over your window, as that would easily prevent the local homosexual population from peeking into your house and noticing the hot angel asses ready for the pounding. Apparently gay people don’t know the fine art of NOT STICKING YOUR ENTIRE HEAD IN THE WINDOW WHILE PEEPING. No wonder the military doesn’t want them.
(panel 2) So Mr. Peeping Homo has told all his friends about the hot angel ass, and now they gather about poor Lot’s house for a SEXY HOT ANGEL SANDWICH ORGY. Damn, that’s what you get for leaving your window open in GAYRAPEUSA. Word spreads fast in Sodom, and “gay” people from all around will surround your house once they learn that virgin buttholes are tarrying at your pad. They don’t drink, sleep, or eat. They just sit around listening at windows, hoping they’ll find out when the next stranger is in town so they can gather the “gay” posse together from all about the town to invade your house.
* Editor’s Commentary: “LOT!” Yeah, I suppose it is. Maybe, I dunno, 40 x 30 feet… there’s even a house built on it. I don’t see why you’re getting so damned excited about it. Sheesh.
“…well practiced in every form of perversion.” Do you take classes in Being Vague, Jack?
(panel 1) I didn’t know that the old man from Zelda lived in Sodom, let alone that he wanted to rape angels. It figures, considering the fact that he was an asshole. GET IT ASSHOLE OH FUCK YES SO CLEVER ASS IS WHERE HOMOS HAVE THE SEX AND ASHSOLE IS ALSO TERM FOR JERK *BLAM DEATH*
(panel 2) Just in case you didn’t figure out that the wild and crazy rump riders didn’t want to just see the men and ask them for parking validation, Mr. Chick makes it perfectly clear that the citizens of Sodom wish to SODOMIZE the angels (sexually). Seriously, I don’t have anything to say about this panel except that it is truly one of the most hilarious pieces of dialouge I have seen in a long time (sexually).
* Editor’s commentary: Re: Zelda: “It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this.” *Whips it out* (sexually)
(panel 1) Dear dad: We totally fucking hate you. Love, your two virgin daughters. PS: We mean it.
(panel 2)Up, down, up, down, punch: Gay Fireball. Unblockable. Special attack of Sodom resident #822
* Editor’s commentary: Hey, Mia… not only that, but the guy in the bottom left in the first panel looks a lot like Tekken’s Heihachi Mishima. Hrmmm, or maybe a balding Wolverine.
They came at lot? Ewww. Boy, they really ARE libidinous.
(panel 1) back, back, down, low kick: Angel hand door smash block. Only defense against fireball. Special attack of Angel 2.
(panel 2) When all else fails, just turn your house into a gigantic glowing tetris block. After having asked for a line for what seems like hours, your enemies will become so frustrated they’ll claw there own eyes out.
Fun fact: Blind gay people, when unable to find a door, put their arms in the air and wave them about as if they do not care.
* Editor’s commentary: “Hey, everybody! Let’s all play Airplane! VRRRROOOOOMMMMM!”
Yes, yes, it could have been Sodom, Mr. fake archeoligist smarty-pants. But how do you know they didn’t have a mass fish fry that got out of hand, with BBQ’s flying everywhere and children buried in delicious spices and batter? Thousands of people dead, burned alive due to their inordinate love of halibut.
One of the saddest events in history, folks.
* Editor’s commentary: So the people of Pompeii were all flaming homos as well, then?
(panel 1) Article 12, Section 2: All males and females found to be of the homosexual persuasion are openly encouraged to grab non-homosexuals by the arm and shake them violently. All non-homosexuals must comply, or be fined $300.
(panel 2) God: OMG U FAGS R SO GHEY STOP IT KTHX
* Editor’s commentary: What, exactly, is so “demonic” or “satanic” or “evil” about homosexuality? I can just picture “The Devil”, sitting down in “Hell”… “Yes, my pretties, YES! Stick your flesh-poles into each other’s poop-chutes! Oh, YES! I can feel my power increasing already!” And yes, by definition of the word “bigot” (a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices), they are, in fact, bigots. Sorry, Jack, but… y’know. Fuck off, moron.
(panel 1) Oh, you clever sack of cock, Mr. Chick. See, she needs to TURN AWAY from the mufflicking, and in the panel she is, in fact TURNING AWAY while running from the lesbian house (like a crack house, but filled with lesbians and blasting Indigo Girls all day long). If I could ever be that witty, I would be where you are today, sir: old, angry, and handing out tiny comics to random people at the truck stop.
(panel 2) Being a lesbian means never having to wear sleeves, too. Check the other panel as well: them carpet-munching ladies like showing off their bare shoulders.
* Editor’s commentary: When are these assclowns going to get it through their heads that HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A CHOICE? I’m not gay myself or anything, but I AM capable of exercising logic and intelligent thought processes. How can you just MAKE yourself be attracted to someone of the same sex? It’s not like one morning I’m going to wake up and say to myself, “you know… yesterday, the idea of having someone fill my anus with cock was disgusting to me. But today… hrmmm. You know… I can really see the appeal of a semen enema.”
(panel 1) Ok, so God hates gays and gave them AIDS. Fine. Apparently God hates pirates, since he gave them scurvy, as well. God also hates babies, since they always have SIDS and such. And what about stray dogs/cats and their rabies? God, you are such a hateful spiteful bastard.
(panel 2) Yeah, Kurt went down to the used gay lot and picked himself out a new one after the old one broke down just outside of Los Alimitos. This one comes with a limited warranty, but unlimited roadside assistance. Pretty good deal, all around. And it came with power steering for free.
* Editor’s commentary: Hey, it’s Billy Bob Thornton!
(panel 1) Well then, thank God I didn’t just murder my girlfriend in a fit of drunken rage after learning that she found out about the affair.
(panel 2) CAN YOU TAKE ME HIGHER?!?!?! TO THE PLACE WHERE SOMEHTING SOMETHING!??!?!
SOMETHING A HERO CAN SAVE US!!!!11! NOT GOING TO STAND IN THE WAY!!! SOMETHIGN WINGS OF AN ANGEL!!! SOMETHING SOMETHING JESUS OR SOMETHING!!!
(panel 1) New Oxi-JEsus! Makes your whites whiter, brights brighter, righteousness righteousser! Only $9.99! Act now and get a free robe!
(panel 2) You now, he’s only mad because someone erased his face with a giant pencil the other day. That’s what you get when you kill Chuck Jones, buddy!
DO YOU LOVE JESUS? NO? FUCK YOU AND DIE FOREVER.
Thusly, we have learned many things through this magical tract:
Gays will eat your brains/children
Lesbians hate sleeves
Angels were totally into tetris
God will shine you up like no tommorow
All images Copyright 2002 Chick Publications, Inc. All Rights Reserved