Chick Dissection | The Gay Blade (By Guest Mia)

We have a special guest doing a Dissection this update. Her name’s Mia, and if you find her to be amusing, you can visit her LiveJournal.

This week’s Chick Dissection has to do with homosexuality. Because of the fact that Jack is a total moron who has no idea what he’s talking about, this entire thing is completely ridiculous.

Wherever I felt compelled, I added my own little quips and things. (“Editor’s commentary”, of course.)

Boy, that Jack Chick sure loves his gay-hatin’.


Fun fact: All fags love purple and either radioactive decay or measurement of wavelength!

Commentary:

Well, it seems that Chick is tackling weddings. Fair enough, I mean I’m sure Jesus was opposed to HOLY MOSES! THEY’re…oh my lord…THEY’RE BOTH MALE! Mabel, get the smelling salts because I’m about to pass out! MALE? That’s unspeakable! UNSPEAKABLE!

* Editor’s commentary: Father “Leper Elvis” likes to poke balding homos’ eyebrows!

Commentary:

(panel 1) And so the terminally depressed gay men get into their car while Mr. Kotter showers them in rice and Charles Bronson thinks wistfully about how darling they are. I’m assuming Mr. Bronson is thinking about his own upcoming gay wedding, or maybe he just loves the apparently leather suits of the gay men. I’m not sure, but MAN, is THAT an unhappy couple! Hey people, you’re GAY! Start acting like it, damnit.

(panel two) NOT NEW? You mean GAYS are getting married? But aren’t same sex unions illegal in all but two states? I mean, even in a symbolic ceremony, it would most likely not happen in a church, but outdoors or such. Unless it’s a really neat church that allows gays to marry and offers candy to people. The Gay Candy Church. That would rule.

Commentary:

(panel 1) SPECIAL NOTE TO JACK CHICK: When writing about homosexuals, please attempt to meet one for reference instead of just randomly throwing body hair at a sketchpad and assuming it will come out as the prototype for all gay men. Because, let’s face it Mr. Chick, those look more like crazy circus folks than any homosexual male I have ever met. I also love how they’re both staring straight (PARDON THE PUN LOL) at the reader. As if by looking at us with their uber-fruity eyes they’ll terrorize us in our dreams. Instead, they just look sort of friendly.

And lady, next time you swallow hard, do it out loud instead of just thinking it. Because last time I sneezed and it appeared in a thought bubble, it blew out my ears and I was in the hospital for five days. Also, crushing your childs head isn’t the best way to protect him from the sweet, swishy men walking about. I just think it will make your son bleed. But he’ll be bleeding for Jesus.

(panel 2) Can I just say that I grew up around gays and lesbians my entire life, and I have yet to meet a gay militant. I have met angry gays, short gays, large gays, gays who climb on rocks, tough gays, and even gays with chicken pox. But no militant gays. Although I once knew a gay in the military. I don’t know if that counts.

Commentary:

What the hell are those? Gays? Hippies? The International Boggle Players league? Whatever they are, they sure are angry. I wondered what crawled up their
ASS OMG ANAL SEX JOKE THERE

I also love Mr. Chick’s narrative style. The gays emerge from the Shadowy, satanic underworld. They come forth, living tragic lives because of the fact that they..um..I can’t figure out why their lives are tragic. By the looks of it, they’re just angry all the time. Or maybe constipated, which would be tragic if it was chronic.

Commentary:

(panel 1) By using quotation marks around the word gay, I have been shown that there is nothing “gay” about being “gay”. And not only that, but these “Gay” people are all over “sitcoms” and “talk shows.” I “bet” they are even “on” the “radio” “station”. Fags.

SIDE NOTE: the girl on the right side of the panel is extremely hot. If you’re trying to lure me away from the devious world of homosexuality, it isn’t working.

(panel 2) Oh, christ! They’re talking! They’re being invited to speak places! What’s next, being invited to the office christmas party? Or the next box social? This has got to stop! And not only are they being invited, they’re stating that homosexuals shouldn’t have their intestines ripped out, and other sorts of “special” treatment. Damn them! DAMN THEM ALL!

Commentary:

(panel 1) You mean the guy behind the counter at McDonalds could be gay? What about the girl at the library? And the person driving the bus? ALL GAY? Good lord, next you’ll be telling me that there are homosexuals who work in interior decorating and in the WNBA.

(panel 2) Look at them all! Standing there, staring with their beady homosexual eyes. This “gay” is affecting a cross-section of American life, by the looks of it. From the CIA agents to the People’s Choice Awards host, it seems to be taking this countries white people by storm (don’t worry, it appears that you wacky “ethnics” can’t catch the gay)

* Editor’s commentary: What the hell profession is this supposed to represent? “I get paid eight bucks an hour to frolic underneath a GIANT FLAG!”

Commentary:

What I don’t understand about this panel is that it makes no references to the practices of Sodom, just to Caananites. I know that there is a connection, but I have no knowledge of it. I did go to Catholic school and studied that..ohwhatisitcalled..um..I know it starts with a B…BIBLE! Yes, that’s it. Of course, it was the EVIL GOING TO HELL NOW DEATH NIV, not the SUPER COOL GIVING YOU BLOWJOBS JUST BY READING IT KJV. Man, I’m Catholic AND bisexual. All I need now is to play some Dungeons and Dragons and before you know it Jack Chick will be coming to my house with a truckload of tracts being fired out of a cannon. That would be cool. I only get visited by the next door neighbor’s kids, and all they do is run around the house screeching like monkeys. And I like monkeys and all, but you know..sometimes I don’t want them in the house. Especially when they’re just filthy fifth grade boys without shirts on. I have no idea how I got to shirtless boys from Jack Chick tracts. THAT IS THE BEAUTY THAT IS ME. And also, if these archeologists are so disgusted that they are vomiting by what they have discovered and claiming “BY GOLLY GUM WE CAN NEVER PUBLISH THIS EVER KTHX,” how did Mr. Chick get word of it? Magic Jesus Powers?

* Editor’s commentary: Of COURSE it’s filthy. It’s a wall in a fucking cave, you douches.

Commentary:

So off we go to Sodom, to see what the deal is with all these Gay people and possibly airline food. Apparently a city based on an overhead view of a common Wolfenstein 3d map (but without any Nazis, damnit! I want to see Jesus fight the Nazis in a battle to the death!) is filled with SO much sin that God wants to destroy every single solitary person in it. Abraham says, “Um, I’m all for the mass destruction of people, but you know..my nephew lives there and all. Could you, you know, spare his life? I know you’re all with the infinite kindness and all, so if you could not horribly disembowel him, that would be really wicked. Just asking, you know. But killing everyone else? Super cool. Do that, ok? Especially Johnson. That guy is SUCH an asshole.” Also, Mr. Chick: Everybody fucking knows that the term Sodomy comes from Sodom. Thank you for informing Jim Jinkins in Shithole, Tennesee with that fun factoid!

* Editor’s commentary: No wonder they were all wicked, they lived in a giant hedge maze. I’d be pissed off, too.

Commentary:

So who does God send to rescue this man from a city of wacky oversexed homosexuals apparently living in lego houses? MALE ANGELS. Fuck. Listen, God. I know we’ve all made some blunders in our life. I mean, remember when you and Buddha got totally toasted and made the duck billed platypus just to scare the fuck out of Ganesh? That was hilarious, but then Izanagi accidently dropped it and it landed on Earth? Yeah. But listen, when rescuing someone from male homosexuals, DO NOT SEND HOT SEXY MEN. Send women. Ugly women, perhaps, just so they won’t get tempted. Or why not some sort of goat wearing a silly hat? Yeah, good going, God.

* Editor’s commentary: Yeah, I think this accurately represents the contradiction to the “god is all-powerful” claim. Why not just fucking teleport him out? Hmph. All-powerful my ass. I could “send a couple of people into a city to get a guy”.

Commentary:

(panel 1) What to you do when angels come to rescue from crazy homobuttsextown? COME ON OVER TO MY HOUSE! WE CAN TOTALLY FUCKING TARRY ALL NIGHT, DUDE! I’VE GOT SOME CORONAS AND A COPY OF FLETCH ON DVD IT WILL BE TOTALLY AWESOME! Lot, you are a genius. I’ve never been invited to tarry all night, and damn it sounds fun. I suppose my horrible body odor makes the potential tarry-inviters run in fear. If only I could rescue someone from GAYSEXLAND, then I’d get in on the tarry action.

(panel 2) You ungrateful angel bastards. You’re given a chance to TARRY DOWN and kick it with LOT away from the crazy buttsex homos, but OH NO IT’S OK WE’LL JUST SLEEP ON THE GROUND OR SORT OF WANDER AROUND ALL NIGHT. See Lot? This is how much your stupid God cares for you. He sends the two angels that can’t even spell their name right on the SAT to come down to save you from GAPINGASSHOLEVILLE. Of course, this sort of revelation made Lot’s “DANGER SENSE” spark up and shoot sunbeams out of his skull.

Commentary:

(panel 1) DING DONG MESSAGE TO MR. CHICK: I DON’T THINK THEY WOULD HAVE EATEN ROAST HAM. Just a guess. Also, when you move to your next town, please invest in shades or perhaps a goat skin to put over your window, as that would easily prevent the local homosexual population from peeking into your house and noticing the hot angel asses ready for the pounding. Apparently gay people don’t know the fine art of NOT STICKING YOUR ENTIRE HEAD IN THE WINDOW WHILE PEEPING. No wonder the military doesn’t want them.

(panel 2) So Mr. Peeping Homo has told all his friends about the hot angel ass, and now they gather about poor Lot’s house for a SEXY HOT ANGEL SANDWICH ORGY. Damn, that’s what you get for leaving your window open in GAYRAPEUSA. Word spreads fast in Sodom, and “gay” people from all around will surround your house once they learn that virgin buttholes are tarrying at your pad. They don’t drink, sleep, or eat. They just sit around listening at windows, hoping they’ll find out when the next stranger is in town so they can gather the “gay” posse together from all about the town to invade your house.

* Editor’s Commentary: “LOT!” Yeah, I suppose it is. Maybe, I dunno, 40 x 30 feet… there’s even a house built on it. I don’t see why you’re getting so damned excited about it. Sheesh.

“…well practiced in every form of perversion.” Do you take classes in Being Vague, Jack?

Commentary:

(panel 1) I didn’t know that the old man from Zelda lived in Sodom, let alone that he wanted to rape angels. It figures, considering the fact that he was an asshole. GET IT ASSHOLE OH FUCK YES SO CLEVER ASS IS WHERE HOMOS HAVE THE SEX AND ASHSOLE IS ALSO TERM FOR JERK *BLAM DEATH*

(panel 2) Just in case you didn’t figure out that the wild and crazy rump riders didn’t want to just see the men and ask them for parking validation, Mr. Chick makes it perfectly clear that the citizens of Sodom wish to SODOMIZE the angels (sexually). Seriously, I don’t have anything to say about this panel except that it is truly one of the most hilarious pieces of dialouge I have seen in a long time (sexually).

* Editor’s commentary: Re: Zelda: “It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this.” *Whips it out* (sexually)

Commentary:

(panel 1) Dear dad: We totally fucking hate you. Love, your two virgin daughters. PS: We mean it.

(panel 2)Up, down, up, down, punch: Gay Fireball. Unblockable. Special attack of Sodom resident #822

* Editor’s commentary: Hey, Mia… not only that, but the guy in the bottom left in the first panel looks a lot like Tekken’s Heihachi Mishima. Hrmmm, or maybe a balding Wolverine.

They came at lot? Ewww. Boy, they really ARE libidinous.

Commentary:

(panel 1) back, back, down, low kick: Angel hand door smash block. Only defense against fireball. Special attack of Angel 2.

(panel 2) When all else fails, just turn your house into a gigantic glowing tetris block. After having asked for a line for what seems like hours, your enemies will become so frustrated they’ll claw there own eyes out.

Commentary:

Fun fact: Blind gay people, when unable to find a door, put their arms in the air and wave them about as if they do not care.

* Editor’s commentary: “Hey, everybody! Let’s all play Airplane! VRRRROOOOOMMMMM!”

Commentary:

Yes, yes, it could have been Sodom, Mr. fake archeoligist smarty-pants. But how do you know they didn’t have a mass fish fry that got out of hand, with BBQ’s flying everywhere and children buried in delicious spices and batter? Thousands of people dead, burned alive due to their inordinate love of halibut.

One of the saddest events in history, folks.

* Editor’s commentary: So the people of Pompeii were all flaming homos as well, then?

Commentary:

(panel 1) Article 12, Section 2: All males and females found to be of the homosexual persuasion are openly encouraged to grab non-homosexuals by the arm and shake them violently. All non-homosexuals must comply, or be fined $300.

(panel 2) God: OMG U FAGS R SO GHEY STOP IT KTHX

* Editor’s commentary: What, exactly, is so “demonic” or “satanic” or “evil” about homosexuality? I can just picture “The Devil”, sitting down in “Hell”… “Yes, my pretties, YES! Stick your flesh-poles into each other’s poop-chutes! Oh, YES! I can feel my power increasing already!” And yes, by definition of the word “bigot” (a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices), they are, in fact, bigots. Sorry, Jack, but… y’know. Fuck off, moron.

Commentary:

(panel 1) Oh, you clever sack of cock, Mr. Chick. See, she needs to TURN AWAY from the mufflicking, and in the panel she is, in fact TURNING AWAY while running from the lesbian house (like a crack house, but filled with lesbians and blasting Indigo Girls all day long). If I could ever be that witty, I would be where you are today, sir: old, angry, and handing out tiny comics to random people at the truck stop.

(panel 2) Being a lesbian means never having to wear sleeves, too. Check the other panel as well: them carpet-munching ladies like showing off their bare shoulders.

* Editor’s commentary: When are these assclowns going to get it through their heads that HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A CHOICE? I’m not gay myself or anything, but I AM capable of exercising logic and intelligent thought processes. How can you just MAKE yourself be attracted to someone of the same sex? It’s not like one morning I’m going to wake up and say to myself, “you know… yesterday, the idea of having someone fill my anus with cock was disgusting to me. But today… hrmmm. You know… I can really see the appeal of a semen enema.”

Commentary:

(panel 1) Ok, so God hates gays and gave them AIDS. Fine. Apparently God hates pirates, since he gave them scurvy, as well. God also hates babies, since they always have SIDS and such. And what about stray dogs/cats and their rabies? God, you are such a hateful spiteful bastard.

(panel 2) Yeah, Kurt went down to the used gay lot and picked himself out a new one after the old one broke down just outside of Los Alimitos. This one comes with a limited warranty, but unlimited roadside assistance. Pretty good deal, all around. And it came with power steering for free.

* Editor’s commentary: Hey, it’s Billy Bob Thornton!

Commentary:

(panel 1) Well then, thank God I didn’t just murder my girlfriend in a fit of drunken rage after learning that she found out about the affair.

(panel 2) CAN YOU TAKE ME HIGHER?!?!?! TO THE PLACE WHERE SOMEHTING SOMETHING!??!?!

or

SOMETHING A HERO CAN SAVE US!!!!11! NOT GOING TO STAND IN THE WAY!!! SOMETHIGN WINGS OF AN ANGEL!!! SOMETHING SOMETHING JESUS OR SOMETHING!!!

Commentary:

(panel 1) New Oxi-JEsus! Makes your whites whiter, brights brighter, righteousness righteousser! Only $9.99! Act now and get a free robe!

(panel 2) You now, he’s only mad because someone erased his face with a giant pencil the other day. That’s what you get when you kill Chuck Jones, buddy!

Commentary:

DO YOU LOVE JESUS? NO? FUCK YOU AND DIE FOREVER.


Thusly, we have learned many things through this magical tract:

Gays will eat your brains/children

Lesbians hate sleeves

Angels were totally into tetris

God will shine you up like no tommorow



All images Copyright 2002 Chick Publications, Inc. All Rights Reserved

79 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | The Gay Blade (By Guest Mia)”

  1. Damn! Seriously.
    Okay, Heathen Terrible Tommy’s comments:
    The three STUPIDEST religions in the world are, in order, Scientology, Mormonism and Christianity: Period.
    Now, firstly: The ENTIRE BIBLE and the vast majority of Christian mythology is a direct, provable rip-off of the Summerian “Enuma Elish” (q.v.) by way of Zoroastrianism. The people currently know as Middle Eastern or Semitic are, provably by genetics, the closest representation of the original Aryans; but I digress.
    Jesus is Tammuz, the sun: Glowey-headed asshole in Pope Chick’s delusional Bulls is Lord El, who, while no sweetheart, was a LOT nicer than Lightbulb-for-brains. But so was Hitler, Stalin and Mao, so, no contest.
    Note also: Pope Chick has, apparently, embraced the heresy of Jesus-only Anti-trinitarianism. Older tracts portray the Trinity as three persons, Glow-head, Jesus/Mitra and a vague dove-shape, who is also referred to as “He.” Now, it’s all one person.
    Last, but hardly least, Sodom and the Canaanites:
    1.) The History Channel has an excellent episode involving actual archaeologists digging for Sodom. An enormous collection of naturally-occuring ASPHALT did, indeed, wipe out an entire habitation. But cities crawling with homosexuals and Trans-genderals stand, inhabited, to this very day, including cities like Tyre, which “infallible” prophets predicted would be gone, gone, gone.
    Oops.
    2.) The actually ISBE article is at: http://www.biblemaster.com/bible/ency/isb/view.asp?number=3767
    Prof. Macallister’s real, non-delusional, research is at:
    http://www.bibleplaces.com/bolen/robertalexanderstewartmacalister.html
    Finally, is it just me, or do all the Queer Boys in Chick’s “Doom Town” look like Rip Taylor in very bad drag?
    And please note: The “God Hates Fags” bunch just LOVE Chick tracts and distribute them whenever they’re protesting some dead faggots Christless funeral orgies, I mean, obsequies.
    Blessed bea, Andy, opie and Barney; but NOT Gomer; he has a female Bible prostitute’s name AND he’s a queer!

  2. it seams to me that everything living , which includes trees all plant life all insects all of everything with a life has one thing in common, that is to keep its kind reproduceing to carry on the blood line . the only thing that cannot and dosent is a dumb old rock and lesbian and gays , like it or not you were not i repeat not born that way. wake up before its to late for you .

  3. I’d love to see your scientific evidence for this, because it really would save all the countless scientists and researchers a whole lot of time, given that you have the answer they’ve been trying to find for decades.

    And who said things reproduce merely to “carry on the bloodline”? The bulk of people reproduce merely because they’re driven to by their biology. Do some research on “biological imperative”. And who said that lesbians can’t have kids? I’ve heard plenty of stories of lesbians getting impregnated with the sperm of friends and a turkey baster so that they can have children.

    Ever wonder if homosexuality might be nature’s way of protecting against overpopulation? I mean, it makes a ton of sense. a) Keeps too many people from having kids. b) Provides an additional source of caretakers for those who already have too many children, or have unwanted children. Etc. I could write up an entire essay on this if you wanted, but I’m sure there are others who have already done so. I recommend googling the subject.

  4. RE: “thinker,” you stinker. Or, at least, your grammar and spelling. Dude, we Pagans tend to turn off the attention when we get letters declaiming: “Jesis luves YEW!!!”
    Anyway, let me put it in terms you MIGHT understand:
    “The chicken is the egg’s biological strategy for making another egg.”
    I look at your blither and I say again:
    “Praise Ishtar I’m a PAGAN!”

  5. As a Gay Christian minister I find this …….UTTERLY HILARIOUS. I LOVE the J.Chick parodies, and I’m quite familiar with his booklets.

  6. Didn’t those two guys on page 3 play for the J. Geils Band, or maybe it was Steppenwolf, I forget. 🙂 I loved the line “Dear dad: We totally fucking hate you. Love, your two virgin daughters. PS: We mean it.” I injured myself I laughed so hard!
    Keep up the good work!

  7. Poor Jack Chick … so misled.

    Abraham didn’t just want to save Lot; he asked for the city to be saved if he could find good people living in it, and bargained the number of good people necessary for this down to … three or something.

    The Sodomites were rapists; there are schools of thought that that was the final factor in their destruction. Pity people like Chick confuse gays with rapists.

  8. I wonder…if the angels had been female, would the story be that heterosexuality is evil and wrong? Or would it suddenly just be rape or inhospitality? Hmm…

    And why does the final ‘OMG PRAISE JESUS!!1’ bit have the words ‘precious blood’ emboldened? That just makes it look like something a vampire would say.

  9. You know how in the tract about the girl getting kidnapped God talks to her? WHY DIDN’T HE DO THE SAME TO LOT????? It seems a whole lot (heehee pun) easier than sending angels there.

  10. notice the second sleevless dyke breaks the fourth wall by saying “no blah blah blashphemy ect” directly at us? creepy.

  11. Pingback: The Prodigal Sheep
  12. Well this tract cleared up alot of confusion I was having about homosexuality. I always thought up until today that Jesus was a black lesbian woman but now I see the light that Jesus was really a gay bashing redneck. I never realized how obsessed God is with what I do with my penis. By the way, gay orgy in the lake of fire at 7PM tonight!

  13. In regards to the panel with the gay man saying “Are you a bigot?” and the straight dude saying “Let’s go” (it’s the 17th one down):
    This is an example of Chick actually changing his tracts over the years. Apparently, an earlier edition of this comic showed the gay guy hitting on the other guy, and the straight man saying something along the lines of “Go to hell, heathen fag”

  14. Too bad no one made the connection that the GAY RAVENING HORDES probably didn’t want Lot’s two virgin DAUGHTERS. If’n Lot’d had boys, the story would have turned out different, don’t’cha think?
    “You’re turning the boys over to us, Lot, my man? Good ’nuff. We’ll just leave you to your feasting, then. What time do you and the tight-butted strangers figure on mosying out of town? I have to call in sick to work tomorrow…” 🙂

    I laughed my ass off! Chick’s a loon.

  15. “those who suffer the agony of rejection”
    And why do you suppose that is, Mr. Chick?

    Am I the only one who thinks the protester left from center looks like a stereotypical Native American?

    “their tragic lives prove there isn’t anything gay about being gay.”
    So…why would they ‘choose’ this sinful, miserable lifestyle?

    Wait, if the archaeologists were so horrified by what they found to the point of not publishing their findings (the panel REALLY reeks of HP Lovecraft), how do we know about…wait, what DO we know about? What the Hell has so terrified the diggers? I can’t see jack shit on the wall. Wait, maybe they found Deut 7:2 on the wall. And being the godless secular scholars that they are, they decided to cover up the existence of the inscription to keep people from finding Jesus somehow.

    You know, none of the pictures of Sodom in this tract look particularly evil. The panorama and gate scenes actually look pretty idyllic. I think I’d like to visit Sodom if it still existed 😛

    No, no, no. You can’t send a goat with a hat into Sodom to rescue Lot, some of the Sodomites are probably furries (I kid). Seriously though, I’m surprised Chick hasn’t released some tracts attacking furries. Or Trekkies. Or otaku. Or historical recreationists. Or DnD nerds…oh, wait.

    Lot REALLY looks like he’s worshipping the angels. And he’s a righteous man HOW?

    Why the Hell would the angels decide to stand in the street all night? And if they were so adamant, how was Lot able to convince them to come inside? This only reinforces my belieft hat Chick has reached a new plateau of human insanity.

    “young and old”
    So little kids, infants, and oldmen in an age before Viagra want in on the gangbang?

    Is it just me, or have some of the mob already pantsless/naked?

    Note that he mentions Lot’s offer of his virgin ENGAGED daughters to the mob in passing but doesn’t actually DRAW it

    I would very much like to see the life expectancy study he’s talking about. And I don’t even need to mention how despicable the notion is that AIDS is divine retribution for homosexuality, a trait that GOD HIMSELF seems to give gay people.

    So the message is accept Jesus, and you’llturn into a mutant superhero, like the X-Men? Then why the fuck can’t I reconstitute matter with my mind? Why hasn’t my penis fallen off only to be replaced with a bigger one that can *TWISTED SEXUAL IMAGERY REMOVED FOR THE GOOD OF THE WORLD’S SANITY* At the very least, why don’t I glow in the dark like this freak? (though the advantages of being a sub-human living lite-brite are questionable)

    If God loves us so much like Chick claims, then why’s he so quick to destroy us? The way Chick’s got it set up, its almost as if God (read as Chick) doesn’t really want to help/save people. This raises another point; how is Chick supposed to genuinely convert someone to Christianity when God is painted as such an arrogant, arbitrary bastard?

  16. It is a scientific fact that accepting Jesus in your heart makes you “gay” no, not homosexual, but GAYYYYYYY.
    Jack T. Chick, go to hell, you heathen fag.

  17. I always thought Lot’s offering of his two little girls to a ravening sex-crazed mob was a bit nasty, but then after they escape and his wife is turned into a pillar of salt for looking back at the destruction, his daughters get him drunk and have sex with him. I’ve always kinda thought that this was a bit strange. Very seldom have I heard of daughters who really had to get them some of that ol’ daddy action. Taken the other way round — daddy gets drunk and mistakes his daughter for the parlour maid — is much more feasible and given the misogynistic slant of so much of the rest of the old testament (sell them daughters off) I would be much more likely to believe the latter version and that the biblical authors turned it around to make daddy appear nice and viruous. After all he’d just escaped being toasted with them bum-buggering Sodomites because he was a ‘righteous’ man so having him immediately initiating incest would be a little bit puzzling as to what moral we were meant to draw from this story.

  18. After reading various articles on the biblical account of Sodom, in my mind the story sounds more like a small town in modern day America with a bunch of rednecks from the local Klan trying to break into some poor guy’s house to get to the two “fags” from out of town. Although they were probably more than likely perceived as being foreign spies (I think Abraham had just saved their butts in a war or something, so maybe there was some post 9-11 mentality going around). Either way, there’s no evidence to back up anything. You can’t say “to know” means “to know (sexually)” without putting some or your own anti-sex bias into it.

    Being transsexual myself, I’m waiting for Chick to make a tract about the evils of cross-dressing, using “Psycho” and “Silence of the Lambs” as scientific evidence.

  19. Mia-at times funny, as I dislike Chick immensly-but, yes sodomy and all sin is the Devil’s work. Esp going against nature and the God that made it. Sorry, truth hurts dont it.

    Some I have met DO choose gay sex, some do not-but dod not resist as they are called on. IF I had a sexaholic problem, do I say “heck, can’t help it” and then commit adultry? Nope. Resist the Deviland he will flee from you (James 4)

  20. Uh, what intrinsic property of inserting a penis into a place other than a vagina somehow makes it “evil”? I reject your teleology. It’s extremely patriarchal, and phallus-centric.

    I can just as easily attach this arbitrary symbolism to anything else. Have you ever carried milk into your house? WRONG! God says that only women may carry the milk across the threshold of the home.

  21. IF that is your “take”, go for it. The anus was made for one purpose alone, but hey—-enjoy fecal material on ya Jabber.

    Reject me? Nope, only Christ!! IT is His book, not mine.

    Funny insights, but ya aint too bright, are ya??

  22. A book that was written by man, which inturn is failable. I work in a mailroom on an airforce base and we get crazy letters all the time, so if i put them all together I too can make my own “Word” of God?

  23. I reject your teleology. Everything has a function; it does not necessarily have ONLY that function. If something else can be done with it, then that’s a function of it as well. It’s like rejecting hitch-hiking because thumbs were used to grip tools, not to signal to drivers on the highway that you need a ride. Or like Djur said to me recently in conversation:

    “God doesn’t hate gum, and neither do Christians. Although to be fair, chewing gum isn’t right. I’m not chiclephobic, but to be blunt, the teeth are right above the esophagus for a reason.”

    Why does the prostate have nervous sensation? Why not make it completely numb? Wouldn’t you say, based on your logic of “purpose”, that a part of the body that can feel pleasure was meant to feel pleasure?

    Explain to me “purpose”. What are the “purposes” of every part of the body, and why? What’re the criteria?

  24. Nearly irrelevently, I recently read an excellent SF story in which the main character is a gay scientist born to a “Neo-Christian” woman after the gay gene was found and many parents aborted fetuses found to have it. He discovers a way for people to de-gay themselves, AND a way for sperm to penetrate each other… and has 15 children with his partner by attachment of placenta to bowel. At the beginning, people considered the gay gene a slow-corrupting alien weapon. By the end the scientific consensus is that homosexuality may be a “backup” reproduction system.

    See, when you call someone who doesn’t agree with you stupid, what you mean to call them is ignorant, and a very specific sort of ignorance, too. But if you find yourself trying to find a simple meaning to the story I just summarized, that means you’re stupid.

  25. “enjoy fecal material on ya Jabber.”

    I don’t know Jabber, but after quite some experience with the unspeakable vice of the Greeks I can testify that you’re about as likely to get shit on your dick from anal sex as you are to get blood on your dick from vaginal sex. That is, it’s all in how and when you do it.

    Really, though, the rectum is a nice shape to receive an average-sized penis. It’s a good grip and it’s hotter. I understand it feels good going up, too — about half your pelvic nerves are in the rectum.

    Sorry, but a handful of old Greek and Semitic fairy tales aren’t going to dissuade me from going in unto the butt, even if they actually condemned it (hint: they do not; no reference to anal sex is ever made in the Bible, nor to oral sex).

  26. The interpretation of that particular story in the bible made more sense to me as constructing patriarchal standards of hospitality and tantamount protection of the male bloodline.

  27. Wait, wait. Lemme get this straight.
    Lot was spared because he was a ‘righteous’ man in a city of immorality.
    The guy that offered his virgin daughters to the sex-crazed crowd.
    Yeah, that makes sense.

    And these angels. They get sent to get Lot out because God wants to destroy the place, and they start dilly-dallying around. “Eh, Lot? Uh….well….ya see….God’s about to destroy this city,….so uh……how about getting your family together and coming with us?”
    And Lot’s response was, “God’s gonna rain hellfire on the city?!?!??!…..well c’mon in and lets fritter away the time eating. What’s the hurry?”
    “Uh…..the hellfire?”

  28. Wow, homosexuals live in misery and sin? I’ve got a gay friend who is one of the happiest people I know. And he’s my youth worker… OMG! A gay youth worker! Help, help! I’m being corrupted! These sinful deviants are working with our children! Run for the hills!

    Jack Chick has absolutely no idea about the nature of the human condition whatsoever. I am not normally attracted to men, but do I go to hell because there’s a really cute guy on my bus who I’d quite like to get off with?

    If the criteria for getting into heaven is that you have to be an arrogant self-righteous fundamentalist, then heaven is going to be a very quite place.

    And in the words of Tiny Tim: God bless us, every one.

  29. What happens if i snort xanax….

    Your head explodes, and it makes a foul, gory mess. Every time, in fact, so stop it.

  30. I’m a Christian, and in all honesty I have mixed feelings about Homosexuality.

    One of my bigger problems is the lack of well-established facts, a problem Jack Chick’s tracts certainly fail to alleviate. There are strong pointers to biological or genetic origins for Homosexuality, and there are also factors that point elsewhere. If there is clarity in this matter I am missing, I would appreciate its revelation. As it stands, the constant arguments between the extremists remind me too much of Darwinists and Creationists. I often want nothing to do with such furious arguments.

    My gut feelings aren’t even conclusive. Something feels off about homosexuality, but I can’t qualify what that is. Outside of the context of my religion, it is hard to say it is intrinsically bad in any way save that it feels unnatural. Then again, I’m sure homosexuals have similar feelings about heterosexuality.

    I believe that Homosexuality is sin, but at the same time I believe I don’t have the right to hate the people who practice it, or condemn them in any way for believing differently. If I want to keep them from being ministers or elders in my religion which qualifies it as sin, I have the right to do that. I do not have the right to bar them from seeking equal rights from a government separate from religion, especially if claims about Homosexuality are true.

    I can’t say I personally know many homosexuals. The only one I know is an unstable, neurotic person whose best descriptor is childish. Being rational, I realize a sample size of 1 is utterly useless statistically and thus do not judge all Homosexuals by his example.

    I hope that similarly, those here do not judge all Christianity by Jack Chick’s example.

  31. Darian, I’m replying to your post, but I think it’s complex enough an issue that I’m going to make a front page post out of it. Look for it within the next week or so.

  32. The parable of Sodom and Gomorrah is not a condemnation of homosexuality but a condemnation of city dwellers for not following the ancient laws of hospitality followed by the nomads like Abraham. In ancient times, travelers in the desert depended on the hospitality of strangers for their very survival — even today food, shelter, and water are provided free of charge to whomever happens by regardless of rank, station in life, or tribal affiliation — it is considered a sacred duty to look after your fellow human being and denying hospitality is the worst kind of sin.

    Look at how the story begins — Abraham welcomes three strangers into his tent for food and company before he even realizes that they are God and two angels traveling in disguise. In the corrupt Cities of the Plain, the people have forgotten their obligation to be hospitable and mistreat travelers and strangers with the worst kind of humiliation, rape, and physical abuse imaginable. Lot in contrast, remembers his obligation to be hospitable and that is why he is saved and the Sodomites are punished. Not because they were gay but because they were inhospitable to strangers.

  33. I’m a little late to the game, but I have heard that the rate of homosexuality in any creature population (Sans plants. And sponges. Freaking sponges.) is around 11%. So as the number raises, so does the number of gays. Ergo, they don’t have children, and a certain percentage of the population stays at a standstill.

    Also, I had an ultra-conservative tell me that gays are evil not because they engage in mansex, but because they don’t produce children, thus undermining the US’ military supremacy.

    SRSLY.

  34. i recently had surgery in the area around my tailbone…where several muscles apparently meet. Needless to say, i am in a lot of pain. This website brings vast joy to me because it is really really funny. In fact, this one made me laugh hard enough to actually make me feel pain in my surgical wound!@1

  35. …Little did I know, as I stretched it, protesters were gathering around, angrily chanting: “Free pregnant fucking!  Free pregnant fucking!  Free pregnant fucking!”

    Meanwhile, she was — again.  She keeps compulsively being.

  36. the third panel i thought was just funny. i mean, i dont recall walking down the street and watching gay men dressed like that. ever. even transvestites in drag dont look like this. for a while i thought that was how gays looked in the 70s until i looked and the tract was made in the year 2000. i mean COME ON im pretty sure gays have a way better sense of fashion than that, what with having a feminine side to them. also, that “lambda” sign chick claims gays use doesnt even appear on wikipedia. the only sign i can remember gays using is the rainbow.

  37. and careful cause all gays ahre horny bastards woh will rape you on the spot (sexually). so watch your back so they dont make you their beatch (sexually).

  38. You have to give Chick credit though. He noticed that there are lesbians in addition to gay men. Most christian fun dies concentrate on men only.

    And the panel with two gay men and mother covering her child’s eye is taken from real photo. Heavy edited of course but it’s based on real thing. I saw it on another site criticising this tract as well.

  39. Jack using faulty research.He states that gays live only 39-42 years because of research by a fucker.The fucker had looked for the ages of gay men in obituaries.Obviously obituaries can’t tell you anything about the ages of living people.These christian-scientist fuckers should just drink cyanide,like Kent Hovind says,”It’ll prevent cancer,rEALLY I MEAN IT”

  40. Curse you, Jack Chick! There’s only one Gay Blade and that’s Zorro!

    This whole thing had me busting a gut laughing, even without the commentary from Mia!

  41. I’ll bring this up as no-one else has touched on it – notice how, in talking about heterosexual sex being normal, it says that getting fucked by men is a woman’s “natural use”. Does anyone else find this a horribly dehumanising sentiment?

    Gee, I always thought I was human and my life was mine to live as I choose, with a career, hobbies, interests, a personality. But no, apparently as a woman I am merely a commodity with a “use” – and that “use” is as a fleshy toy for men to play with. Nice. No wonder I rejected fundamentalist Christianity in my teens.

  42. :is such a total lesbian:

    Best one yet. Had me laughing the entire time.

    Also, and I really feel the need to say this, rape does NOT equal sex. They are too different acts. Rape is, you know, non consensual sex, where the main concern for the rapist is control over the person they are raping.

    Also, I love that offering his two virgin daughters is a better choice than the angels being buttsecksed to hell.

    “NO, TIMMY, DON’T LOOK! Two men hands is EVIL!” As far as I can see, they’re not committing indecent acts in the middle of…wherever they are. Reminds me of the “Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?” quote by Ernest Gaines.

  43. “Thou Shalt with mankind, as with womenkind; it is abomination.”

    And, uh, impossible.

    Men don’t usually have vajayjay’s, if I can retain anything from base elementary health.

  44. Pyrosavi: Ahh, thanks for pointing that out. I moved a directory recently that I thought was inconsequential, and it turns out that’s where the images for the Dissections were for the first several of them.

    Fixing it now… this one should already be fixed.

  45. Panel 18: A bemused Dumbledore, an angry Wolverine and Dim from A Clockwork Orange.

    Funnily enough, Chick was right about Dumbledore.

  46. Totally butchered the quote thing. Anyway, I love how Jack never fails to make an ass of himself. Judging by his complete lack of knowledge about anything BUT the Bible (and even then I have to wonder), I think it’s safe to say he lives in a box. Or a cave. Or an asylum. Or a church. Wait, I already said that…

  47. Does “know” really mean “have sex with”? It could just mean they want to take them out on the town, have a few drinks, get to know them as buddies.

    In fact, from what I read myself, Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed not because they were all fags, but because they were all selfish jerks without any hospitality.

  48. Eh? Sub-par. Sems the guest dissecter still has a “victim mentality”..one of my pet peeves. Homesexuality isn’t, but “victim-ology” is. Chick has it, and seems to me, so does Mia.

  49. * Editor’s commentary: So the people of Pompeii were all flaming homos as well, then?

    Only *after* the volcano, J… before, they were just the *regular* homos…

  50. Why is EVERYONE in Jackchickville either miserable, angry, sexually repressed, or afflicted with an obsessive-compulsive need to do some old-time proselytizing–or sometimes all four? Everyone is mentally unstable in his world. I’m guessing both his parents were religious maniacs, and his youth pastor butt-fucked him in the back of the church bus when he was twelve. How else does one explain Chick’s obviously deranged state of mind?

  51. I like the panel where the gay guy goes “You’re offended by gays? Are you some kind of bigot?” I can picture the other guy actually acting stereotypically gay going, “Let go! You’re hurting me you bitch!”

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  53. Holy shit, the narration in the fourth panel is fucking DEEP EPIC SHIT. Holy shit.
    Chick, were you trying to get me to NOT to like gays with that description?
    That is totally fucking METAL.

  54. What I find hilarious about this is that the picture with the American flag is that it’s directly taken from another hilariously bad Chick Tract, Sin Busters, but altered so the dudes look like their holding hands. Great dissection, btw.

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