Chick Dissection | That Crazy Guy

o/` Condoms, Back Seat, KY

That Crazy Guy

Crab Lice, Herpes, Butt-Sex

Is That Crazy Guy…

He’ll burn you where you pee…

He’s everything that every guy should be! o/`

This tract is a fundamentalist viewpoint on how awful and evil sexual intercourse is, and how humans are awful, irresponsible, disgusting, disease-ridden creatures for even thinking about it. And how you should save it all for marriage, when you can share this awful, evil, disgusting, disease-spreading, filthy act with someone you really love.

Wahhhhh, dude, bitchin’!

Here comes another Chick tract! This one deals with the dangers of evil, evil sexual intercourse, including AIDS and having to get lectured by an ultra-religious doctor about how god is punishing humanity for being driven instinctually to reproduce.

While this tract is incredibly stupid, and anyone in their right mind knows that the religious fundamentalist views on STD’s and sexual intercourse is completely off the charts on the insanity scale, it does raise an important question that I’m sure you’ll be asking yourself by the end of this: Which is worse, AIDS or Jack Chick?

Look out, Goldie Hawn’s on another bender!

Boy, for a guy who’s only intention is to get laid, he’s sure scheduling things far enough in advance. “Alright, four months from now, I’ll pick you up at eight.” Does he keep track of his projected sexual fulfillment on a calendar or something? Now, I know I’m going to be horny next Tuesday, but that’s when my porn comes in from Netflix, so I think I’ll be all right then. Uh… let’s see, the following Thursday, I’ve scheduled myself as getting a series of pretty furious boners. Yeah, that’d be a good night…”

Dear god, she only has thumbs! SHE ONLY HAS THUMBS!!

Somehow I doubt a guy who dresses like a cheap Burt Reynolds knockoff knows how to be a real party animal. GO BACK TO THE 70s, YOU ASS!

“Beautiful” just doesn’t seem like an appropriate description for this guy. I was thinking more like, oh, I dunno, “lame”, “stuck in the past”, “anal about his mustache”, “trying too hard to be a rogue police officer from 1980s drama television”…

“I’ll go see Ms. Damien, the woman so tall she has to have her doorknobs installed at eye level.”

What’s going on with her hand? It’s like she’s growing a White Spy out of her wrist.

*DRASTIC FACIAL FEATURES TRANSFORMATION ALERT!* It’s like when an actor quits a television show and instead of canceling the show or getting rid of the character, they just bring in someone who looks similar to the original… only it’s Jack’s complete inability to draw consistent facial features, making his characters look like entirely different people in each new frame.

Alright, put on your bullshit-waders, ladies and gentlemen. Better yet, you might want to grab your bullshit Hazmat suit. We will soon be approaching Jack Chick’s idea of what “dialog” sounds like coming from people he doesn’t agree with, all of whom are people that don’t actually exist anywhere on this planet, and say things that are never uttered outside of mental hospitals.

You have to take a look at the science behind sex (as opposed to rejecting science as a whole for being “a tool of the Debbil”) before you start drawing incredibly shitty comics about how horrible people are for doing it. We are, ultimately, animals. Yeah, we should be able to utilize control over our instinctive urges, but the majority of us can’t.

And I think people still do fear STDs, pregnancy and sexual intercourse in general. Well, most women do, at least: there was a psychological experiment done on a college campus where a “sexy” male went around asking women to have sex with him. Every single one turned him down. While, yes, people are incredibly fallible when it comes to exerting control over their instinctual impulses, we’re a far cry from the color of irresponsibility ol’ Jack is trying to paint us.

There is what could be viewed as a “problem” regarding people’s attitudes toward sexual intercourse. But these religious fundamentalists are basing what humanity is supposed to be off of a fabrication… a story. They’re expecting us to live up to ideal depictions in a book, and there’s no evidence that anyone has ever been able to pull this off. It’s an unrealistic expectation supposedly placed on all of us, and what kind of a cruel God would judge us based on that? And there’s a bit of a contradiction, here, as well: If it doesn’t matter what a person’s done throughout their life as long as they “accept Jesus”, then what’s the point of these bullshit comics telling people how to behave?

Anyway, we ARE animals, whether we want to admit it or not. And animals have biological instinct hard-wired into them on the deepest and most basic of levels. In other words, people are going to be driven to fuck, and there’s nothing any amount of scripture or bible-beating is going to be able to do about it. Sex doesn’t just feel good because it’s “god’s gift to a married couple so they can share intimate holy pleasure”. Sex feels good because it’s NECESSARY for it to feel good in order to perpetuate the species. We’re not these ultra-pure entities that only engage in sexual intercourse when it’s been given the green light by some storybook. If God would “say” one thing but make reality something entirely different with no real evidence of truthfulness of what he supposedly said, then he’s kind of a dick, and I don’t think I’d want to spend an eternity with him even if I could.

Here’s where we start getting into the vague generalizations regarding the youth of today. Allow me to impersonate Jack Chick’s mental image of a non-fundamentalist youth. *ahem* “Look at me, I’m incredibly stupid and easily led! I have no thought processes of my own, and whatever anyone tells me, I believe! I’m not a fundamentalist religious-type, so I am therefore not only wrong, but very, very stupid, and very, very weak. All I need is for someone to mention the word ‘Jesus’ and I’ll be on my knees praying quicker than I’ve ever been convinced to go from a standing position to a kneeling position before in my life, slut that I am. Also, I kill puppies and worship Satan.”

I challenge you, Jack, to find me ONE person… just ONE SINGLE REAL-LIFE NON-ACTOR PERSON… who acts like this and says this kind of shit.

I’ll agree… there are ignorant people out there who don’t really understand the potential risks of sexual intercourse. There were teens in Britain who thought an empty potato chip bag could be used as an effective condom. Teenagers who aren’t ready for the responsibility of parenthood are doing it all the time and having children before they even graduate from high school. There are people who believe that condoms will keep them totally safe from pregnancy and every kind of disease, but as the education (that, ironically, these religious fundamentalists are trying to put a stop to) of these people becomes more and more widespread and they’re all becoming more and more informed, these misconceptions are being slowly eradicated. I seriously doubt, though, that there are a lot of people out there who believe that “Science has EVERYTHING under control.” A lot of the time, people are aware of the dangers but don’t think it can happen to them, or are willing to tolerate the risks involved. Which, of course, is a mindset that doesn’t just apply to sexually-transmitted diseases.

“Craig’s so cute… and real crazy!” “…He covers himself in Vasoline and rolls around in dead ladybugs! Then he eats a whole roll of electrical tape!”

“What could possibly go wrong?” Hrmmm. What’s that I smell? Why, it’s the overpowering scent of the setup to a really lame-ass plotline in a shitty fundamentalist comic strip!

Um… who the fuck IS this woman, anyway?

Wow, he’s every girl’s dream! He tries to screw you on the first date, he boastingly asks you to compliment him, AND he calls you by another girl’s name! And a license plate that says “LOVER” held in by the oh-so-classy “Do it in the dirt” holder? I think I’m in love.

Oh, and Jack? Um… might want to check on what the lettering for a REAL license plate looks like. You know… one that’d actually be considered “legal”. Though I suppose if the plots aren’t all that realistic, why should the drawings be?

“Man in the moon, I may have been knocked up by some jerk who didn’t even have any feelings for me…” (Whoever gets that reference deserves a great big cookie.)

Would she have been as freaked out about getting pregnant if he was a great guy? Strange that the whole “pregnancy worry” came after her feelings of disgust about the guy. “What a creep. Man… what’d I ever see in him? He looks like he came from the 1970’s, if the 1970’s was this big giant retarded godzilla-like monster that terrorized the people of Japan by shitting out pseudo-cowboy losers. *sigh* What was I thinking?? Oh… and, as an afterthought, I wonder if I’m pregnant with his child.”

She sure does like her “not being pregnant”, huh?

Two little surprises? Awwww, he bought her a couple of midgets. He really is a sweetie after all!

Where the hell does she live, anyway? A marshmallow candy house in the middle of an Rorschach Test?

Damn, so it’s NOT midgets? Well, that’s a disappointment.

“Down there”…? Did he give her athlete’s foot or something? Rugburn on her knees? Be a little more specific, here, Jack.

“Mrs. Damien? Daughter-in-law of Satan?”

Looks like SOMEone forgot to take their MANIC-DEPRESSIVE pills this morning. What’s with the mood swings? Jack never gets into this, of course. He’s trying to go for a “the people who supported you will turn against you when you need them” type of thing, but he doesn’t really explain any of it at all. WHY does she turn on her? WHY is she acting like a bitch? I don’t understand. It’s just an irrational character personality change to try to paint a generalization about people who try to persuade you into immorality. It’s a mildly sensationalist tactic Chick seems to employ quite often… bizarre character behaviors and dramatic swings thereof. He never quite explains WHY these things are so far off from reality or so out-of-nowhere, he just tosses them in to try to convince people to adopt the opposite mindset and attitude.

In other words, everyone who isn’t a Christian is thoroughly horrible in every possible way.

Wait a minute… again, who the fuck IS this woman?

…So… she takes the time to explain what the clap is… before she suddenly freaks out, pulls a can of Lysol out of thin air and starts going all “germophobe supernova” on everything. “Hey, what’s this? *holds out package of explosive material with a ticking timer attached*” “Oh, that looks to be a bomb. You know, the bomb was invented in ($blah) and is usually composed of ($ramble) etc. Oh my god! We have to defuse it!”

Is this a different woman or something? I’m not understanding this drastic change in personality, here.

I think the other side of her head is exploding. Yeah, I guess so violent an embolism could definitely explain the sudden dramatic personality shift.

And suddenly we’re back in Dark Dungeons. “I’m fasting and praying for you, Debbie.” Once again, the good Christian is the person who helps out. JUST LIKE IN REALITY!

She’s apparently scared to death that her parents are going to kill her.

I like to think they just sat and stared at each other awkwardly in the ten minutes that elapsed between panels. It’s a lot more fun and far less annoying than thinking of Suzi dragging out her “I had sex with a total jerk, now it feels like i have fire ants living in my vagina and this random woman I hung out with thinks I’m icky” story into ten whole fucking minutes.

AIDS is spread from one person to another when fluids from an infected person come in contact with fluids from another person. It’s implied that she’s a virgin, so I can believe that there were vaginal tears and things. But if the condom didn’t spill or break (and it obviously didn’t or I’m sure it’d have been mentioned earlier), or if Craig didn’t have any open sores on an area not covered by the condom, I find it hard to believe she could’ve gotten AIDS so easily. This implication that condoms are COMPLETELY useless in protecting against ANYTHING is incredibly retarded. Sure they’re not perfect, but when used properly and nothing goes wrong with them they DO significantly reduce the risks of viral contamination and pregnancy.

Welcome to Retardedville, folks. Now this is just plain fucking STUPID.

Fundamentalists and opponents of condom use claim that there are tiny holes in condoms which allow HIV and other germs and viruses to slip right through. I guess there was an article at some point in Science Magazine that talked about how there were holes in latex surgical gloves, which is probably where Jack is getting this whole “surgical gloves” thing. However, those were surgical gloves, they weren’t condoms. It HAS been found to be true that the rubber used in manufacturing latex gloves have tiny holes smaller than 5 microns in diameter. However, surgical gloves are only dipped once in latex when they are made, and condoms are dipped TWICE.

There’s a “water leakage” test that rubber gloves and condoms are put through in order to test how secure they are. The regulations for gloves are a lot more lax than condoms… gloves are allowed to fail the test at a rate of forty per thousand, but condoms are only allowed four failures per thousand before the ENTIRE BATCH is rejected.

Additionally, the studies done by opponents of condom use have been faulty and inaccurate. The virus particles used in these studies, which reportedly “proved” that condoms were inefficient against prevention of HIV, were 100 million times smaller than the HIV particles responsible for contamination through sexual contact.

Condoms have to pass a series of very strict and thorough quality control tests, since they’re a medical product and are therefore regulated by the FDA. Additionally, the overall quality of condoms is constantly improving.

There have been numerous studies that have consistently proven that condoms do NOT allow HIV to pass through. In fact, these studies have proven that the use of latex condoms during intercourse reduce the risk of transmission of HIV by TEN THOUSAND times. There were research studies conducted in America, Europe, Africa and Asia with couples where one partner was AIDS-infected, the other was not. The studies found that only two percent of couples who used condoms properly and consistently transmitted infection between each other.

So, I’m really sorry, Jack… but you’re TOTALLY FULL of SHIT.

Where’s he pulling this shit from? And who were these supposed “sexologists”? Were they religious fundamentalist sexologists, like all the other “experts” Jack references? If so, their opinions are completely invalid due to their extreme bias. Even if they were unbiased, that 2% failure rate mentioned above would be enough to put me off to trusting my life to a condom. Granted 2% is an incredibly small percentage, but I know my luck well enough not to take chances like that. Big deal… I think a lot of people wouldn’t want to risk having sex with someone they knew had AIDS, even if condoms were made of titanium. People are afraid to even TOUCH someone who is infected with AIDS, for fuck’s sake.

So that doesn’t really tell Susan anything, actually. Shut the fuck up.

Do you REALIZE how much WORSE of a problem sexually-transmitted diseases would be if high schools DIDN’T hand out condoms?

*Slaps forehead* Did someone open up Jack Chick’s head and urinate on his brain or something? How… how is it POSSIBLE… for someone to be so GODDAMNED STUPID? So ABSOLUTELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE EVIDENCE PRESENTED BY THE WORLD AROUND THEM?

I’m just waiting for the day when the cure for AIDS is finally discovered. Not so much for the whole, you know, relief from a terrible and fatal disease and the aversion of the tragedies caused by it, but because I am really going to love watching all these religious fundamentalist fucktards scramble to find another medical problem to tag as “this is god’s punishment for you being so naughty!”

Man, if we’d have only followed that darned “Thou Shalt Not Haveth Any Contact with Monkeys” thing, AIDS wouldn’t be a problem. AIDS didn’t start just from people screwing each other. There’s some debate as to the exact origins, but it’s basically a generally accepted fact that it had something to do with contact with a primate of some sort. Certain virii can pass from animals to humans, a process known as “zoonosis”. Theories include someone getting bitten by an infected orangutan, or eating some kind of infected monkey for food, or a variety of other primate-related ideas. I mean, it’s not like a guy cheated on his wife or, like, a couple had sex before they were married (*gasp!*) and suddenly, *pop*, AIDS was born! (Also, animals can have STDs. Are animals being “punished” by god for not getting married before they reproduce? Come on.)

Honestly, folks, AIDS has only been around for about twenty years. Sure, other venereal diseases have been in existence since long before the dawn of AIDS, but very few were quite as deadly. Syphilis was deadly during the renaissance but people eventually developed immunities to it that helped avert that outcome of the disease. And even then, it wasn’t because the disease was ultra deadly, it was because Europeans didn’t have the right defenses for it. So where was this “punishment of god for not following the rules of fucking” back then? “Oh, no, you’ll get genital itching! And have to take medicine for a few weeks! You see? Do you see what happens when you have sex with people?”

Look at tuberculosis and other contagious and fatal diseases over the years. What, does god have specific “rules” for breathing that will keep people from getting killed by respiratory diseases? I mean, come on. Do you know how retardedly silly it is to apply some kind of apocalyptic biblical meaning to venereal diseases? Or any kind of disease, for that matter.

And is every disease some kind of “god’s wrath” thing? What’s cancer the punishment for? How about when the white man inadvertantly ended up killing off a shitload of Native Americans by carrying over foreign contagions from Europe? Was there some kind of god-law against people living on this continent before European settlers arrived? I mean, what the hell did they do?

And even if a person was to follow the rules “set up by god”, that still doesn’t mean a person is going to be completely safe from the acquisition of deadly disease. AIDS isn’t only a sexually communicable disease. None of the STDs are really limited to being ONLY sexually communicable. It’s mostly just that genitals are a very sensitive region, and the parts are kinda made of a different material than the majority of the body. Is it really that huge of a surprise that you’re going to be more vulnerable in the most sensitive parts of your body? Herpes can infect your mouth, too, you know. Ever hear of a “cold sore”, Jack? “This is god’s punishment for… uh… sharing a Coke with one of the infeeeected onessss!”

Anyway, you can get AIDS from blood transfusions and other similar non-sexual things, and there are even assholes who’ll prick themselves with a syringe needle and put the thing into the seat cushion at a movie theater to spread their little fun-germ. So you can be a die-hard fundamentalist religious zealot, never having sex save for procreation (and even then, including a “please forgive me” after every moan of “oh, god”, whipping yourself afterwards and taking a week off from work to cry in shame and beg god for forgiveness), and your choosing of seating at a movie theater can turn you into an AIDS-infected member of the foresaken. Of course, maybe I’m just forgetting about some obscure “Thou Shalt Not Sit in the Third Row From the Front, Fifth Seat From the Left” commandment. And how about the high rate of AIDS in African countries? Was there some “Thou Shalt Not Live in the Third World” commandment that went missing somewhere?

“Go and see my grandfather, Susan. He works at Christ’s Christy Hospital of the Holy Bible on the corner of Fundamentalist St. and God Blvd.”

Man, would you listen to this guy? It’s like he swallowed a TV that was tuned to EWTN.

Most people don’t want to listen to “what god says about sex” because it’s NOT “what god says about sex”. It’s some fucked-up ultrareligious arbitrary rhetoric that’s been perpetuated by morons with a sheeplike mentality who accept whatever they hear without question.

Can you PROVE that “god” said that? If you believe that what these people say “god” said is actually a message from a divine entity, then you have to believe that crazy people and psycho killers have been given “god’s word” as well. Otherwise, you’re a hypocrite. So those kids that that one guy slaughtered really would have grown up to be antichrists and demons, that woman who killed her children really WAS saving them from evil, and half-eaten peanut butter sandwiches and packs of cigarettes are going to be the saviors of humanity. Well, okay… if that’s what you all want to believe.

Do you know that the bible ALSO says that it’s totally cool for a guy to have more than one wife? (Of course, it doesn’t say the same thing about women, which makes it really rather sexist.)

How come she always has an “I so STOOOOPIIIID!!” look on her face?

I get tired of this “everything that has ever happened ever is a tiny little act of God” mentality.

No, it’s not really “heavy”, it’s actually quite light. I mean, this is microbiology we’re talking about, here. Boy, she really IS an idiot, huh?

“But now AIDS has hit our land.” It originated in Africa. So, what, like it didn’t matter when it was in Africa, but now that it’s hit “our land” it’s a problem? I don’t like what you’re implying, here, Jack.

She seems pretty damn calm for someone who’s realizing that she’s well on her way to dying. Her exaggerated questioning posture is somewhat inappropriate for the question she’s asking as well. Like… “What me worry?”

Far worse than AIDS? You mean… she’s going to have to meet Jack Chick?

Huh. I didn’t know AIDS turned people into ditzy-looking ragdolls. Seriously, what the fuck is this supposed to be, Jack? She’s like a China doll with a few extra chromosomes.

Okay, if this guy was my doctor, I’d switch. …to Satanism.

What the hell is with the big black circle in the background? Is he standing inside of her pupil or something? Or, like… “But Jack Chick’s comic isn’t going to be sold in any comic book store. No, his is a work that can only be seen… in the Twilight Zone.”

Oh, NOW she’s crossing her legs. It’s a little too late for THAT, Suzie.

Blah, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. (Rant building…)

Oh, come on… I’m sure they’re not ALL screaming. Some of them might be pretty accepting of their fate. Especially if the alternative is having to spend an eternity with such a petty, jealous, angry, wrathful, horrible entity like the fundamentalist depiction of God.

“Unspeakable”? You just mentioned it.

It looks like his head is about to slowly slide down his necktie.

No, schools don’t care about children. That’s why taxpayers pay so much money for, and why parents send all their kids to, some kind of educational facility: to have their children sit in some dank, filth-strewn shithole where none of the teachers there give a damn about them and nobody learns anything at all. That’s why all the kids behave like primates and cave each other’s heads in with rocks. That’s why there’s no disciplinary action at all and nobody ever gets detention. Bah, they don’t care about children and shaping them into respectable adults. That’s nonsense!

Also, your parents don’t love you. Nobody else does, either. Only JESUS does. Blah blah blah. I have a brain parasite that makes me stupid.

If Jesus really loved everyone so much, would it really matter whether or not people believed in him? If he indeed “died for our sins” with all of his “infinite love”, wouldn’t that apply to EVERYONE, then, regardless of what their beliefs were? Otherwise it’s a conditional “love” and totally contradictory to everything that these Christians keep spouting all the time. And if god was really perfect and infinitely loving, then why would he need continual praise and reassurance that people believed in him and why would he hold these supposed wrathful grudges for so long? Think about it. It’s all so incredibly contradictory.

Urge… to rant… rising…..

Okay, it’s ranting time.

Hey, maybe we could all just give up everything logical that we have ever known and we can all just switch to believing in blind faith for everything that ever happens ever! Wouldn’t that be cool? Totally ignore the world around us and all the evidence we’re presented with and participate in this giant game of hide and seek where some “True Nature” of everything will only be revealed after we’re dead? Yeah! We don’t have to bother with explanations for anything – we can just use a blanket-explanation for everything! “It’s God’s will! That happened because God wanted it to happen! God said so! (Er, well, through a bunch of people who claimed he said so, and then through a bunch of translations and things.) And the only reason to be a decent human being is because we should be concerned with avoiding eternal punishment!” (Oh, what’s hell for sadomasochists, by the way? I know some people who’d really get off on being whipped for all of eternity. What are you going to do, NOT spank them?)

These morons just accept reported information without question and believe it to be the truth just because some people said it was the truth. This is how they think things like Intelligent Design are real. “Well, a bunch of people say it’s real, so it MUST be, if there are a lot of people who agree that it’s an idea that makes sense!”

Gay people* aren’t the reason terrorists flew their planes into the World Trade Center. Fuck you if you think so. Fuck Jerry Falwell, fuck his mother, fuck his whole goddamned family. May every ill fate that ever has the opportunity to befall him succeed in doing so. Same goes for all his other little televangelist shithead buddies, and all the people whose brains they whitewash on a regular basis. If ANYBODY should be praying for ANYTHING, it should be the slow, painful deaths of these hypocrites who spread hate under the guise of “Christianity” which claims to be all about “love”.

Look at all of the deaths that have been caused for CENTURIES because of these so-called “religious” people who believe they’re right and feel the need to try to force their shit onto other people through extreme methods. Look at Ireland… the Protestants and the Catholics fighting with each other for centuries. Look at the Middle East – it’s been going on there for millenia. Look at the Spanish Inquisition. The Crusades. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. You think you’re the only person who feels your religion is “The One True Faith”? How can we tell which one of you is “right”? Tug of war?

* Regarding homosexuality. If these people are going to persecute gay people, they may as well go after people with fetishes as well. It’s the same thing… some sort of deviance from usual sexual behavior. Here’s an interesting concept: What if someone has a fetish for sucking penis but is totally turned off by the idea of having any kind of sexual relations with a guy? Does that make him gay or does he just have a cocksucking fetish? What about sadomasochists and people with foot fetishes? Fetishes are as hardwired into a person’s sexual psychology and physiology as gender preference. They’re not a choice, they’re not something that can be “cured” or “helped” or whatever, they’re just THERE. People aren’t evil for being fags, and people aren’t evil for wanting to be jerked off with someone’s elbows.

It’s the famous Insta-Conversion(TM), as seen in all Chick Tracts.

So Jesus wants her to be an AIDS-infected little slut? And I like the doctor’s “you’re a walking corpse, say goodbye”-type attitude.

All it takes is a shitty religious doctor to mention “Jesus” and suddenly she’s a total believer, no questions asked. No wonder that Craig guy had no trouble getting her into the sack. “If you put this snake in your mouth, you’ll get a magical marshmallow creme that’ll make you live forever!” “Oh, really?” *HUALGUALGUALGUALGUALGUALGAUGLAGUALGUAL*

From the way she’s drawn, it almost looks like she’s talking to the doctor’s penis. I wonder what he told her in between segments that got left out. “THAT’s Jesus?” “Yep. Accept him into your heart right now. You know… through your mouth like I showed you.”

“For more on helping teens…”? Maybe for very, very loose definitions of “help”.

Jack Chick utilizes something that can best be described as the down syndrome equivalent of logic and reason when he creates these horrible clumps of anal-content. For those of you with fundamentalist friends or acquaintances, I URGE you to send them here. And if you could, not just as a favor to me but as a service to all mankind, if any of you ever see a “Chick Tract” laying around somewhere, write “ => dissections” on it.

Bleh. That’s all for this update, folks. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and clean all the blood clots and detached chunks of brain tissue out of my head from all the aneurisms and embolisms I had trying to understand Jack Chick’s logic and how people can possibly be so damned stupid. See you next time.

All images Copyright 2002 Chick Publications, Inc. All Rights Reserved

45 thoughts on “Chick Dissection | That Crazy Guy”

  1. God loves you for this. I bet you’re going straight to heaven. Hell (GASP I WROTE HELL OH HELL I WROTE IT AGAIN OMGWTFBBQ ;_____;), I’ll pay some of them angels to get you a special seat when the time comes. You totally deserve it.

  2. Excellent disection. Spot on. I wish the fundies would stop worrying what I do with, or where I stick my dangly bits.

  3. Whew! what a roller coaster this one is! As for Christ, let me just agree with you that Jack Chick is full of #$^%&; and respectfully disagree with you about the message of salvation. I will say this, I do beleive that Jesus has a definite sense of humor; that he’d sit and read your comments about Jack Chick’s stupid tracts and whoop with laughter over how right you are. C’est la vie!

  4. Quote about Native Americans: “Was there some kind of god-law against people living on this continent before european settlers arrived? I mean, what the hell did they do?”

    What they did was not worship god! He obviously didn’t take the time to enlighten them that he existed, Jesus never sailed across the atlantic to preach to them, so OBVIOUSLY they have to all die!

  5. “Syphilis was deadly during the renaissance but people eventually developed immunities to that.”
    There may have been some of that, but the disease itself also evolved. The reason is pretty simple: people under six feet of dirt don’t infect many others. The original form was outcompeted by milder variants. (And it is still deadly, just not as deadly, and not as fast, and treatable by antibiotics).

  6. This tract was first printed around 1980; that’s why everyone looks so 70’s-ish.

    In the original version, Betty (er, Suzie) was given herpes, not gonorrhea/HIV. Guess ol’ Jack didn’t think herpes was enough for poor Suzie.

  7. “…And how you should save it all for marriage, when you can share this awful, evil, disgusting, disease-spreading, filthy act with someone you really love.”
    ROFLMAO I nearly died after reading just that.

    “Which is worse, AIDS or Jack Chick?”
    Tough call, but I’d have to go with Chick as being the worse one here.

    “Science has everything under control.”
    Oh, you mean the science that’s stagnating in our country due to outdated textbooks in public schools and the active efforts of people like you [Chick] to suppress science that doesn’t agree with your world-view?

    …Okay, anyone with half a brain knows that SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES are SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED. Assuming this bipolar woman knows what the clap is, why’s she spraying Lysol and screaming to get out? And when did she warn her about ANYTHING? Good Lord Chick, try to be a little consistent/sane with your characters, you twit.

    “I’m sorry Susan…you’re dying and there’s no cure”
    Enjoy your AIDS LOL

    “How about when the white man inadvertantly ended up killing off a shitload of native americans by carrying over foreign contagions from Europe? Was there some kind of god-law against people living on this continent before european settlers arrived? I mean, what the hell did they do?”
    Silly heathen, according to Jack, they were ignorant godless pagans that deserved to burn anyway. God is love!

    If God doesn’t want us to have sex, then why didn’t He give us another means to reproduce, like budding?

    “WOW, that’s heavy!”

    If my doctor started preaching at me like that, I’d punch him in the throat and find a new physician.

    “…your school doesn’t care about you, or your soul.”
    Okay, I can understand that there are a few bad eggs when it comes to school administrations, but come on. And since when are schools paid to care about peoples’ spirituality? Separation of church and state, hello?

    “If Jesus really loved everyone so much, would it really matter whether or not people believed in him? If he indeed “died for our sinsâ€? with all of his “infinite loveâ€?, wouldn’t that apply to EVERYONE, then, regardless of what their beliefs were?”
    THIS sentiment right here is the cux of MY faith. Don’t let Chick fool you, not all Christians are insane.

    AMen, brother. Authority should be questioned, even God’s, especially when it runs contrary to reason/is contradictory/fulfills someone’s personal agenda/bigotry. Faith without reason/thinking is a sin imho.

    *In response to fetish comment*
    *applauds politely*

    “The Lord Jesus wants you just as you are.”
    Then why the fuck is he sending her to Hell? If he loves her for who she is/is so infinitely forgiving and understanding then why is he judging her? The sort of thing the Biblical Christ DIDN’T do?

    “If you put this snake in your mouth, you’ll get a magical marshmallow creme that’ll make you live forever!� “Oh, really?� *HUALGUALGUALGUALGUALGUALGAUGLAGUALGUAL*

    I feel it is better to be an honest ‘sinner’ than a repressed hypocrite.

  8. “Man in the Moon?” The Torkelsons. The short-lived Disney sitcom from the early 90s. I think I’ve seen every episode. For I am a huge geek…

  9. What I particularly like is Chick’s meticulous referencing. How can we know that viruses can pass through condoms? The rigourous scientific method of “Focus on the Family Newsletter 2/3/92 pg 2” will leave no room for doubt.

  10. Odd this one, as Protestants like CHick-so obssesed with evil, have largely given in to it by using condoms, pills, etc.

    Then again, they only beleive in them for married couplespya know, the ones joined by God into one flesh to aid him in procreation, etc.

    Truly double minded nonsense.

  11. PRoblem #1
    Yes, some comdoms sit in trucks, go through immense cold and heat prior to arrival at the store and are faulty.

    Problem#2 Again we see you have no concepts at all grounded in anything other than rationalist Enlightment ideas-which this is too far pats you, no doubt

    3. You apparently bought into every lie spewed by medicine and GOvt-never mind that many scientists and GOvt folks have admitted they want to kill you, to eradicate 80-90% of hte world, so they can have it and everything in it. Read my other blog:

    and article:Global Elites-Kill 90% of World’s Population!!

    Sorry, humorous at times, but you are a mindless drone-a perfect example of whats wrong with a Sheepish America and public school system

  12. What intrinsic properties of condoms make them “evil”? And what negative effects do they have on the observable world? It’s certainly demonstrable that their absence has led to countless deaths and widespread disease, and that the Catholic Church’s stance on them has created massive problems, especially in Africa.

    Is your solution that people simply not have sex except for procreation? If so, is your solution to food messes on the carpet that people abstain from eating? Is your solution to traffic that people learn to fly? Then again, your solution to homosexuality is that people just learn how to be attracted to and aroused by something they’re not attracted to or aroused by, so I suppose it’s not too off the mark.

  13. The Catholic Church teaches chastity-no sex, no diseases. It is fairly simple, except for weaklings that can’t resist their urges.

    The problems in Africa come from a world promoting sex and filth. The answer is obvious, but one ignored as it is not “fun” and takes some courage and self control.

    Condoms sure have not cured AIDS nor slowed it much here in USA.

    No sex outside of marriage and sex in marriage only, would solve most diseases in a few generations.

  14. Hrm. So, let’s say we had a military strategy that hinged entirely on a single point of failure, with no contingency plan. What odds of success would you give such a strategy?

    It’s easy to cast judgment by extrapolating our own experiences to be representative of all things, but without being able to step into other people’s shoes (and neurological chemical compositions), any attempt to make judgments about self-control and a person’s status as a “weakling” is mere speculation. Not everyone thinks the exact same way. I could just as easily tell someone they’re a “weakling” because they were incapable of rapidly recovering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Or call someone a “weakling” because they have schizophrenia and a hard time dealing with it.

    For most teenagers, sexual urges are very intense. People can easily get caught up in the moment, in their own emotions, and don’t think, and get rushed with endorphins that alter their judgment.

    Given that such technology exists, why not use it? Even if it’s not entirely failsafe, it beats relying on a single point of failure. It’s like telling your squadron, “we can take this city if we run down this street full of snipers to the town square. If you get shot, you’re just a weakling who can’t move fast enough to avoid enemy fire.”

    But that’s almost beside the point. Sex has real-life, palpable consequences, the effects and risk of which can be significantly minimized by the appropriate methods, which are readily available to anyone who requests them. To increase the risk and consequences of actions that are extremely difficult to avoid simply because of some arbitrary stigma or meaning or significance or, more accurately, cultural superstition that’s been attached to the act of intercourse is absurd. It’s only a shuffling step away from the Jehovah’s Witness religious restrictions about medical technology. What kind of loving God would truly want his people to do this to themselves? And why?

    If I’m going to believe in God, I’d like to believe he actually cares about his people, and doesn’t just claim to. Symbolic self-flagellation and self-torture doesn’t really fall into the category of “things you want the people you love to do”.

  15. I got to the ‘magic snake’ part and laughed out loud.
    Scared my coworkers no end.

    Great job of dissecting! A former coworker of mine used to leave Chicktracts around the office. She hasn’t done it lately – she suffered a psychotic break and had to be hospitalized. I’m sure she and Jesus have had a lot to talk about lately. . . .

  16. “The Catholic Church teaches chastity-no sex, no diseases.”

    Actually, the two most effective vectors for HIV are blood transfusions and being born to an HIV-positive mother. Although the latter certainly does involve sex, it doesn’t involve it on the child’s part.

    Condoms sure have not cured AIDS nor slowed it much here in USA.

    Actually, condom usage decreases the risk of contracting HIV by 80% or more. Programs emphasizing condom usage have had a positive effect on HIV infection rates. Abstinence programs have not.

  17. I hope that they DO find a cure for AIDS as well. And your rant on fetishes and homosexuality is right on, too.

    Great rant, BTW. I just hope I get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t have AIDS or HIV…or any of that.

  18. This tract is as retarded as the person who made it. (And that person’s very retarded.) I can make a tract about someone dying in an plane crash (first time travelling by plane too) then go on about how planes are “evil”.

    Like anyone going to miss out on all the fun just because there’s a very small chance of getting some disease. Sheesh… Plus, not all diseases are fatal or incurable. Such a disease (assuming you’ll ever get it) is nothing compared to years and years of abstinence/virginity.

  19. Please go easy on John Chance, he seems to suffer from both a severe form of dyslexia and a computer without a spell-check feature.

    Since it comes up often, I’ll throw in a word about how these tracts always insert a paranthetical explanation in the scripture from John to explain “perish” and “have everlasting life.”

    Also…I finally found a paper copy of these on the sidewalk in Hell’s Kitchen (Manhattan) this weekend. Thrilling experience for me.

  20. …i love how the doctor’s more into lecturing her about how DIRTY NASTY SINFUL sex is than he is edifying her about how she should get medicated and try to live longer. but i must have forgotten, HIV meds are the DEAVEEL’s CREASHUNS and are not to be used.

    but seriously. hey, Johnny Chance? let me ask you a question about HIV. you, uh…you know it can lie latent/dormant for as many as 12 years, right? …and that, theoretically, if you got a blood transfusion sometime before the early 90’s (when they started screening for HIV and other STDs and blood-borne diseases) you could have gotten it and never even known, right?
    …so, if you were a ten-year-old kid in the 90s, and got into a car accident, lost most of your blood, and got an infected transfusion, you’d get it and never even know to suspect anything?
    or, how about this. you’re born to an HIV+ mother in the 80s. you grow up, no symptoms, and then spread it to your spouse after you’re married. and then, possibly on to your own children.
    yeah. “saving oneself for marriage” is safe, under the right circumstances. otherwise? uh, no glove, no love, baby.

    and do please explain– how *is* a latex sheath over the penis is supposed to stop/cure a full-body viral infection? does it work the way the ancient egyptians figured that putting a live mouse on a rotted tooth would cure it? because, otherwise, it makes no sense to me. but hey, i don’t know–maybe i’m just a bit slow.

  21. I thought I’d share an amusing tidbit.

    I’m a cab driver by trade. One day, about the time I usually take a break and grab a bite, I decided to hit the ‘by the slice’ pizza place. So I mosey over, only to discover a beat up old blue station wagon taking up two curbside spots – and no other parking close by. The driver is in the car, eating his slices, so I pull in front, step out, walk back to his window, and ask him politely to move back so I can pull in all legal-like. He says, “I’ll do you a better favor”, reaches into a cardboard box on his passenger seat, and hands me a Chick Tract through the window. (alas, this over a year ago, I searched the bag I keep my paperwork in, but no luck). Then he drove off.



  22. i did notice one thing about this tract. the doctor who diagnoses suzie with aids doesnt even bother to tell her about treatment options, he fixates instead on all that going to heaven stuff and why condoms are wicked. i mean, while it is true that aids currently has no cure, there are treatments that help patients live life as normally and healthy as possible. but, apparently this doctor doesnt care (so much for pro-life). he only wants this girl to give her soul to christ so he can serve his lord (good works do count when youre saving horny little bitches with aids(wink)). and while im pretty sure you can be a doctor and STILL have religious beliefs and by the bill of rights youre allowed to have those beliefs, i wouldnt want to have a doctor who does more proselityzing than curing.

  23. oh, by the way, of this girl wants to see jesus, i dont think it’s gonna be “real soon”. aids takes time to kill. might as well shoot yourself while youre at it.

  24. It’s nice to see someone devoting time & energy to critiquing Jack Chick’s mad creations. In the end, I wonder if the heavy-handed Chick has turned as many people off to fundamentalist Christianity as he has succeeded in converting.

  25. Hehehehehehehe…

    I love dissecting Jack Chick’s monstrosities.

    profpaul: He certainly turned ME off of Christianity. I’ve got no beef with Christians in general, but he – and many who think like him – is a whole other story.

  26. So every time you sleep with someone, that person will have Aids, and even while wearing a condom (which don’t work, apparently, even though they have a 97% chance of safety) you will contract it and die. They never said if she died or got saved, so she probably burned in Hell with her Aids. Even though the sex was consensual and she asked for forgiveness.

    This is total bullshit.

    Also, on the cover, it looks like The Crazy Guy is getting shot in the head.

  27. To answer one of Jabberwock’s questions, I think TB is a punishment for gambling and gunfighting…It must be because infamous gambler and gunfighter John “Doc” Holliday died from it. Yeah that’s it, TB is God’s wrath for gambling. And apes get STDS as a punishment for…uh…flinging their feces at people…or not wanting to live in zoos.

  28. I feel I have to defined doctors. No good doctor would say: ”You’re dying and there’s no cure”, to say that someone is going to die, isn’t exactly positive thinking. Today doctor say something like this: “You’re HIV-positive, it’s not going to kill you. It’s like diabetes, sooner or later you’ll have to take medicine, however you can live a happy life”. Ok the track take place in 1992, in 1992 they known that HIV took years or even decades to develop into AIDS. They know that AZT had been around since 1987, they known that AZT prolonged life of AIDS patients in double blind tests. And most important they known that it was intensive research going to find a cure. And how did the doctor know that she had gotten it from protected sex? What about blood transfusion? What about needles? Theoretical she could have gotten it from her mother, not likely, but that she got it from protected vaginal sex, isn’t likely either.

    On the other hand, mr Chick thinks 16 years olds gets hearts attacks from LSD flashbacks. Anxiety can make you think you’re having a heart attack, but thinking something isn’t the same as having one. Chick don’t know much about medicine, he don’t know much about anything.

  29. Hahaha
    This is all stupid.
    You religious faggots know nothing about science. You just makes things up and then CALL it science even though it’s not. I’ve never laughed so much as the day I first heard about “christian science”. Christian science is a big joke. Religious people keeps making things up and calling it science just to make people belive in an imaginary person. Stop littering your minds, idiots!

  30. Cover: Whoooooaaaa! Dude! Your comments are disconnecting my head from my neck! That or the shockwave of the bullet that just passed behind me. Daaaaamn, physics!

    Page 1: But of course she’s lucky! Everyone knows girls go moist for the Brawny paper towel man.

    Page 2: Wait, this smacks of Dark Dungeons, where some live-in adult happens to be there for the sole purpose of giving bad advice. Seriously, where does Ms. Damien come from? Is she a teacher? A retired nanny?

    Page 3: You’re half-right, Jack. The word ‘venerealle’ first appeared in 14th-century England.

    God, look at those eyes. I know where she comes from, now: she’s a retired anime character who can’t get a job outside indie comics.

    Page 8: My mother’s a postpartum nurse, and she was nice enough to explain HIV to me. While yes, there is no known cure, you hypothetically can live a full life with it, so long as you take the medication necessary to prevent it from advancing to AIDS. Additionally, you don’t immediately get AIDS when you get HIV. It takes years to advance that far if left untreated.

    Oh, and when detected early, the clap is treatable with antibiotics.

  31. Page 13: In the historical context: whenever there was a disease, God was the reason. In 1772, for instance, the English Rev. Massey argued that smallpox was sent as a punishment (the cradle of the modern-day anti-vaccine movement.) Before that, it was the bubonic plague.

    Chief difference there is, one doesn’t exist naturally anymore, and the other happens at a significantly subdued rate.

    Page 14: Because getting married will prevent you from getting AIDS. Works everytime!

  32. I can picture this doctor’s boss now:

    “Dammit, Rick! You did it again! You’re supposed to talk to them about treatment options you fundie fuckwad!! How did you even become a doctor?!”

  33. “Highschools are handing out condoms like candy”?
    When then, I need to head to the nearest highschool and give the teachers my ‘inexperienced cutie pie’ face. Because last time I brought a 3 pack of condoms at Wawa, it cost me 6.00+ fucking dollars.

    And reaallly…she didn’t know what her ‘immune system’ was.
    I grew up fucking homeschooled, and I found out how the immune system worked before this teenage girl did.
    Fuck you Jack.

  34. With this approach to sex and the same approach to drugs and alcohol, does no one touting the “do it once and you’re dead” line realise that they undermine their own case? If you insist, like this does, that one fuck, one horrible awkward fuck will lead to immediate contagion and death when a fundie kid actually does have that first awkward fuck and doesn’t die or get ill they will start to wonder why they were always told they would. Similarly, tell someone they’ll immediately get hooked on all drugs as soon as they even sniff some weed and that being hooked will lead to a hideously short life of squalor and destitution, and as soon as this fails to happen they begin to wonder what other lies you’ve fed them and then they will start experimenting with more dangerous stuff. Why do they not trust people enough to tell them the truth? Can’t people do the right thing unless they’re scared shitless of doing the wrong thing? What a horrible world it must be for fundamentalist Christians, if they view everyone as such an inherently untrustworthy and foolish fuck.

  35. Hi. I just want to truly thank you for the rant on Chick Publications and their tracts. 5 years ago, I used to be a fundamentalist christian who associated with street preachers who hands those out like hotcakes back when I was in the closet. Now, that I’m a gay man, I would just love to hug you and cry over your shoulder in gratitude.

  36. Hi, thanks for providing this dissection. I found one of these on our campus and was about write up my own criticism of this piece of misinformation.

    One factual error in your dissection, I think: You stated that condoms reduce HIV transmission risk 10,000 times. That number comes from a CDC study of glass beads the size of HIV virii forced through condoms at high pressure. The reduction of transmission of HIV through “The worst condom found would still reduce exposure risk by 10,000-fold”. This means that using the 4/1000 leak-test rate, that the worst 1/90 condoms would allow a single virion through. This does not equate with contracting the disease. I would suggest that, barring user-error, the reduction of “risk” of transmission is far, far lower – and risk of CONTRACTION of HIV would be even lower than that.

  37. Oh goody this is such a treat. Chick’s version of Steve Martin is going to teach us all about STDs and premarital sex. That’s all I really have to say about this. It was hilarious though.

  38. I rarely leave remarks, however i did a few searching and wound up here Chick Dissection | That Crazy Guy
    – J Crowley. And I actually do have a couple of questions for you if you usually do not mind.
    Is it only me or does it look like a few of these comments come
    across like coming from brain dead visitors? 😛 And, if
    you are writing at other social sites, I would like to keep
    up with everything fresh you have to post. Would you make a list of
    every one of all your communal sites like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?

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