(In more ways than one, baby, yeah.)
Ever hear the story of Noah’s Ark? Want to hear a middle-aged asshole spout a rendition involving man and dinosaur co-existing and a huge magical sphere of water that lets people live to be 900-years-old in an attempt to try to turn you from your sinner ways? Actually, you know what? Screw the rest of the introduction; “man and dinosaur co-existing” is introduction enough.
A torrent of God spooge.
Okay, who the hell reacts like this guy does when someone mentions the weather? “Man, this storm is really bad!” “Well, it’s definitely not as bad as this one that there was in the bible! No, sir!” Most I get from people is along the lines of “Well, back in seventy-two, it rained so hard that your grandmother and I had to reinforce the roof… blah blah blah.”
“Oh, you and that crazy flood!” Hah. “Hobbies: Noah’s Flood.” Junior year of high school, I had this teacher who just wouldn’t shut up about trains. I’m sure you all know someone like this… they have this hobby and they kinda bring it up at every possible opportunity. Can you imagine someone who did that with “Noah’s flood”? “Man, I sure could use a drink of water.” “You know where there was a lot of water? Noah’s flood.” “Oh, you and that crazy flood!”
“…mad at you at what you said.” That doesn’t sound right. Shouldn’t it be “…mad at you for what you said.”? “…mad at you about what you said.”?
“OK. Come on over. In the middle of a really bad storm. So’s I can tell you all about Noah’s flood.”
Note the build-up of the character, here. Chick makes her out to be all arrogant and pompous and know-it-all. Just wait’ll he shows her!
“Is that Bob?” What, she didn’t remember? She’s still mad at him about something he said to her, but she doesn’t even know who he is? Hrm. Interesting. Well, relatively, of course.
“I’m glad you made it! So I can tell you all about Noah’s ark! Come on in, we’ll get started!”
Uh… wait a second, here. Okay, the earth is only 6,000 years old. Hrm. I’d like to refer you all to Big Daddy, one of Chick’s other ‘tracts’. One of his arguments was, and this is a quote, “Richard Leakey found a normal human skull under a layer of rock dated at 212 million years.” Okay. I’m a bit confused… see, I’m no mathematician. How many times does 212 million go into 6,000? It’s… it’s a lot, right?
This right here contradicts his other argument and makes it completely invalid. Or, his other argument in the other tract contradicts this argument and makes it completely invalid. Sorry, Jack, you can’t have both.
Again, the source is something provided by Chick Publications. Bravo, Jack, you sell a book that backs up your views. I’m going to start selling copies of “The Neverending Story” so I can prove that big fluffy dog-like dragons exist.
“I’m taking college courses.” He makes this sound like a bad thing. What, is learning against god now, too? “Thou shalt not understandeth.” Man. He sure paints her as an arrogant bitch, here, doesn’t he?
And here we go again with the “science is against god” argument. *Sigh*
It’s mythology, man! Chill! Dude! Aesop’s Fables, dude! Man! Embrace me, hippie brother!
Oh, yeah, that’s right… seashells are unbelievably heavy! No human in their right mind would even dare to pick up a seashell! You know, he’s absolutely right. There’s no other possible explanation for seashells being transported from near water to somewhere far above sea level. I mean, my sister has seashells stuck to the monitor of the computer in her room, so apparently my house was flooded and the seashells somehow adhered themselves around her screen and on her keyboard. It all makes so much sense now.
How is disproving something “deliberately sidestepping” it? Is everyone who proves a fundie’s argument wrong merely “deliberately sidestepping” it?
“Who cares!” I hate how he keeps painting people who don’t agree with his side of the argument as totally dismissive assholes or bitches who treat the poor fundies like shit.
“Sin had corrupted the entire human race… giving them third eyes, transforming them into members of KISS, making them wear raincoats, removing their eyes!” That’s right, people with eye-patches are EVIL! What’s with this panel, anyway? It’s like a ‘Scooby Doo Villians Reunion’ or something.
And only ONE MAN out of the entire population of humans on earth still believed in god.
Okay, that’s 1,518,750 cubic feet. How many different kinds of animals are there on earth? Oh, especially if you take into account that these people argue that “evolution doesn’t exist”, which means that it’s every single species of animal that exists today, plus all the ones that hadn’t yet gone extinct as of 4,400 years ago that were “chosen by god”. Plus food. Plus, they need to move around so they don’t get all atrophied and everything. Plus, he had to organize them properly to insure they didn’t eat each other. Etc.
Was it going to rain inside of the ship? No? Then why cover the entire inside in pitch?
Oh, HA HA HA HA HA, Jack. Yeah, dinosaurs and man co-existed. Nice argument, there, moron. Okay, if dinosaurs and man co-existed, then how come there weren’t still dinosaurs after the flood? Even if there really was this massive, world-destroying flood, and even though not every animal was chosen to be “saved”, what about water- and air-dwelling dinosaurs? *Sigh*
Okay, if Noah was the only person left who believed in god, then why allow him to save his apparently sinful and evil family?
Floods don’t really “destroy the earth” as much as just fill and cover things with water.
Hah. Dig the expression on her face, it’s like she’s choking. And what the hell’s this “mother earth” shit? Not everyone who doesn’t believe in Noah’s flood or that the earth is 6,000 years old believes in “mother earth”. I like how he just kinda generalizes everyone who disagrees with his viewpoint as being ignorant, weak, arrogant hippies. “Not mother earth, man! Dude!”
“There IS no mother earth, Janet!” He’s totally tearing down her beliefs. What a shocking revelation! There is no mother earth? He can’t be serious!
Hrmmm… then where’s the evidence of all of this shit now? I mean, sure, you can flood something but that doesn’t necessarily destroy it completely. Unless it was flooded with acid. But even then, you know… plastics and stuff.
Seriously, though, if these people had these amazing societies and wonderous machines, you’d think there’d have still been evidence of such afterwards. “And the flood just totally dissolved huge gears and buildings and… and… and… everything!”
“But their hearts were filthy and they hated god. And burned teddy bears. And they were all transvestites and pirates.” Nice drawing, Jack.
HAH. Now this is funny… the concept of a “shell” of water that just magically hung in the air. How come god never does anything cool like this nowadays? Why didn’t he put the “shell” back up after everyone was killed in the flood? I mean, it was supposed to be, like, the whole world starting over again, wasn’t it?
Oh, man. Again with the dinosaurs. This makes me giggle.
People sure became corrupt in their two generations of existence. If they lived to be 900 and the earth is “only 6,000 years old” and the flood was 4,400 years ago… I wonder how overpopulated the world had become in that time. 1,600 years is a lot of fucking.
And what, exactly, are “perfect” weather conditions? Some people like weather extremely cold, some people like it extremely hot. “Perfect” is all in the eye of the beholder, really. And how would you know if it was perfect or not? Do you not need ‘bad’ to appreciate the ‘good’?
Hahahaha… man… fucking dinosaurs. *Sigh*
People call the retarded kid who sings with a portable karaoke player on the hill across the street from the local Burger King crazy, too, and that doesn’t stop him, either.
Actually, I wouldn’t really consider being called “insane” terrible ridicule. I mean, come on… these people were apparently incredibly more evil than anything we have nowadays, they’re going to have to do better than that.
Hrm. How come we don’t have pterodactyls anymore, then?
“CRAZY!” “Where are they coming from?” Again, they’re going to have to do better than that. I can mock more evilly than that without even batting an eye and I don’t see “god” trying to flood me.
Various kinds of young land dinosaurs. Where’s he getting this proof of dinosaurs and man coexisting from? I’d really like to know. And it had better not be something “available from Chick Publications” either.
50,000 animals. Okay, let’s do our math again. 50,000 animals is about how many cubic feet? Then include food, water, running space, etc. not to mention the fact that they have to be carefully seperated to avoid any mating or hunting. And certain animals need certain foods, so you’d have to have quite a variety of different plants and meat to keep the animals alive and healthy. It’s not as easy as “Noah built the ark and all the animals came aboard and everything was peachy and fine until the water went away.”
Also, what about the bacteria? WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE BACTERIA?
I wish I had god-powered door openers.
Okay, this massive canopy of water collapses and it takes it forty days and nights for it to completely fall to the earth? And it turns into rain? What, does it evaporate on the way down and recondensate as tiny water droplets, then linger around in the sky for a while before slowly drifting down to the ground?
And, wait… of ice and water? If this thing’s functioning as our shield from the sun, you’d think the direct beating heat rays would, you know… keep it warm.
There were no mountains or canyons on earth before any of this, of course. The surface of the earth was completely smooth.
Of course, the proven concept that canyons were formed due to thousands of years of various forms of erosion is totally bullshit. It makes much more sense that it all happened because of magical tidal waves. And mountains weren’t formed from thousands of years of plate-shifting, they all just magically popped up all at once. And the Great Lakes were formed from when ‘god’ was done making earth and he pushed it up into space. They’re the indentations from his fingers. Man, it’s all so clear to me now.
Does ‘covered with water’ necessarily mean ‘ruined’? Would you call the bottom of the ocean ‘ruined’? I wouldn’t. I’d call it a beautiful ecosystem.
Wouldn’t most of the trees already be underwater? Sure, bodies float, but trees are kinda… you know… rooted into the ground.
So was there a huge sphere of millions of tons of dirt floating in the air as a protective shield as well? I mean, basically what he’s saying is that, at any given point during the flood, there were millions of tons of dirt and rock just floating in the water that all eventually settled on top of everything when the… wait. That’s another thing… where the fuck did all the water go, then? If there was enough water to bury the entire planet during this supposed “flood”, where did it all end up going? The magical floating water sphere isn’t there anymore, and the entire earth isn’t still buried in water, so what happened to all of it? Do you know how many gallons of water it would take to flood every inch of land on the planet? We’re talking oceans, here, people. It didn’t just all evaporate or sink into the ground, ’cause if it did, we’d have huge floating masses of water in the sky instead of clouds, and ocean levels would be a significant amount higher.
To give a rough estimation of how much water would be needed to flood the earth, here’s an excerpt from the NSF website regarding how many gallons of water are in the Pacific Ocean alone:
According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Pacific Ocean proper contains 169,900,000 cubic miles of water or 173,700,000 cubic miles, if one includes the marginal seas, such as the Tasman and South China Seas. With some simple calculations this can be converted to cubic inches. Since there are 231 cubic inches to the gallon, the approximate number of gallons is 187 or 192 quintillions, depending on which initial value is used. That is approximately 190,000,000,000,000,000,000 or 1.9×1020 gallons. (Dr. Sandy Norman, Department of Mathematics, The University of Texas at San Antonio, Texas)
So there are how many, like, what, QUINTILLION gallons of water, here, completely unaccounted for. Did it all just magically disappear? Did it float off into space? What the fuck happened to all of it?
Anyway, Jack is trying to get us to believe, here, that there were millions of tons of dirt and gravel floating around quite a distance above the ground that just sorta landed on top of everything, burying it in “layers of sediment”, which means that it didn’t all fall at once, enough fell to create one layer of sediment, and then after that one settled, some more fell and formed another layer while the rest just floated around waiting for it to settle, and etc. I guess for a brief moment in time, dirt and rock somehow became lighter than water. *Sigh*
This guy obviously has no concept of any kind of geological science. Layers and layers of sediment aren’t going to form within a period of forty days and forty nights. And how come, if man and dinosaur co-existed like Jack “I’ve got diarrhea in my brain liquid” Chick is stating, there has never been any evidence of dinosaurs and humans being found at the same depth in these apparently instantly-formed layers of sediment?
Huh-huh…huh-huh… Dude, check it out… that archaeologist has a bone… huh-huh…
“See Creation Seminar series by Dr. Kent Hovind…” I can only imagine. “Layers of sediment don’t take that long to form. It can take as little as less than forty days to form many layers of millions of tons of dirt and rock that have the ability to somehow magically separate and organize different kinds of animals and other buried matter. And did you know that water can just disappear without a trace, and that it can defy basically every law of physics?”
Looks like our old buddy Jack should go back to elementary school science for a couple of years until he understands BASIC SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLES.
So if it was only Noah and his family who were saved, where’d all the different ethnicities of man come from? I mean, according to Jack and all these shitheaded fundamentalist weirdos, evolution doesn’t exist AT ALL, so Noah’s family must’ve had quite a bit of ethnic diversity in order to repopulate the world with every different race of man there is on earth.
Not everything is combustable, Jack. And good luck re-layering and re-depositing “millions of tons” of non-flammable rock and dirt with the rapid oxidation of whatever flammable material there is laying around. And is the next “Noah” going to construct a completely fireproof shelter to be saved?
“Zieg Hail! Zieg Hail! Mein Führer, please tell us more about the flood!” How come this guy looks so much like Hitler? I thought Jack was trying to make the characters on his side of the argument more appealing than the ones against him. I guess the design for this guy just sorta slipped by under his radar or something. Maybe Janet is “still mad at [him] at what [he] said” about how fun it is to mass-murder jewish people.
“2,000 years ago, God (the Son)…” I’ve never quite understood this “god is three entities, but the same entity” thing. I advise against contemplating the stupidity behind the concept for too long because you’ll end up giving yourself some kind of palsy. If I was “god” and divided myself off into another completely separate part that was totally unaware of my intentions (“My father, why hast thou forsaken me?”), both parts can’t be the same entity. It’s like multiple-personality disorder. Even if there are dozens and dozens of personalities living inside of the same body and mind, they’re all individual entities. Even if it is “god”, and even if “he” is supposedly omnipotent, and even if there actually was a “Jesus” who was actually the “son of god” and all that, there’s no changing the fact that two separate entities that act totally and completely independently from each other CANNOT BE A SINGLE ENTITY.
THERE’S a compassionate god for you. “If y’all don’t believe in me the way I want you to, I’m just gonna kill the whole lot of you except for the few people who still believe and start things all over again.” I guess the “if you love something, set it free. If it returns to you, then it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was” expression doesn’t apply for “who” is described as a “loving”, “compassionate” god. I guess the one for “him” goes, “if you love something, set it free. If it doesn’t come back, KILL THEM AAAAALLLL!” You’d think if this “god” character really DID “love” us the way the bible describes, he wouldn’t really give a shit if we believed in him or not, because LOVE DOES NOT INVOLVE THE MASS MURDER OF ALMOST EVERY PERSON ON THE PLANET. “And little Adolf loved the jews SO much that he murdered as many million of them as he could…”
The weak-mindedness of the non-fundie characters strikes again in yet another Chick tract. A college education, and scientific proof, and professors, and physical evidence, and logic, and etc… are all completely toppled in this girl’s world by a two-minute conversation with a person whom she dislikes because of his extreme fundamentalist viewpoint. “I’m angry with you regarding something you said to me.” “Blah blah magical sphere of water that floats above the earth blah blah blah dinosaurs and man co-existing blah blah I have no supporting evidence of any of this blah blah blah story based on total impossibilities and defiance of every law of physics blah blah blah COCK IN YOUR MOUTH!” “You have changed my mind, sir. I have been lied to my whole life by everyone. Please forgive me, lord, for believing in logic and reason and scientific proof. I shall never commit the sin of understanding and thinking realistically again.”
Aaaaaand the point of that whole visit was, what, exactly? I mean, if “god” plans on destroying everything again ANYWAY, then what the fuck was the whole “Jesus dying for our sins” thing about?
“For god so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son…” (Oops, Jack! You forgot to capitalize the “h”s!) Anyway, he loved the world so much that he destroyed it, then sent his son to die for our sins, then is apparently going to destroy the world again. I dunno, makes sense to me. I know that when I love someone enough, it’s only natural for me to find some way to murder them.
“…that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” In other words, “die”. This whole thing is so fucking retarded. “I’m gonna kill everyone because a lot of people don’t believe in me! Fuck what the rest of them want, I’m pissed off!” Everyone dies because this “loving”, “compassionate” god is pissed off that there are people who don’t believe in him. Nice. Where can I sign up to believe in that intense, intricate web of hypocrisy?
What’s with the “40 days” theme, by the way?
Evolution? Wait, I thought we were talking about “Noah’s flood”. Of course, I guess I shouldn’t really expect the work of Jack Chick to make any sense, so whatever. This whole tract is just SO incredibly STUPID.
I don’t think it’s gonna help you much if you repeatedly call him a son of a bitch, Janet.
“I’ve been so wicked! With trying to use logic and understand reality! Through taking college courses and believing in scientific proof, I’ve been so horribly evil, lord! Please forgive me!” *Sigh* Come the fuck ON. This is just… severely retarded, to say the very least.
“For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” So even if there is this massive “destruction by fire” thing that ends up happening, if I kneel down at the last minute and call upon Jesus, everything’s gonna be okay? Awesome!
Yeah, another one of these tract end-pieces. You can just skip right over this, really. Unless, of course, you’re keen on giving yourself embolisms.
I still haven’t gotten any e-mail from ol’ Jack or any of his followers about any of this. I’m really rather disappointed. I wonder if he even knows about any of this. I’d really like to see any of the arguments he’d attempt to present in his defense. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, he’s a complete moron with no understanding of basically anything, and his pathetic excuses for “arguments” to try to convince people that he’s right and that the bible should be taken literally can be easily countered by a 19-year-old college drop-out videogame designer. I sure do hope he’s not devoting too much of his time to making these pieces of solidified piss.
I’ll keep you posted regarding any mail I receive from our buddy Jack, and I’ll post any bullshit legal threats or death threats or hate mail or whatever on the “Dissections” front page for you all to get a good laugh out of.
Until next time, kiddies.
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